Original subtitles

Love is like a butterfly, soft and gentle as a fly. The

multicolored moods of love are like its satin wings.

Love makes your heart feel strange inside. It flutters like a swoon from

Love is like a butterfly, a rare and gentle thing.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to Ria Sanson.

Notice the loose -flowing line of the soft cotton top.

And the easy -to -wear wraparound skirt.

Fabulous for that special date.

labour.

Would you explain this to me?

What? This. This stuff on my plate.

It's your dinner. I know it's my dinner, but could you identify the various

heaters?

Those are potatoes.

And that's a chop.

I forget what those green things are.

My mother couldn't cook.

The first woman I fell in love with couldn't cook.

The first woman I lived with made omelettes like plastic doilies.

And now you, the woman I married.

That's gravy.

Oh, my God.

What do you mean, oh, my God?

There's some kind of reawakening.

I mean, we've been married for 19 years and I haven't come up with a decent meal

yet. Why suddenly all these oh, my Gods? Because 19 years ago I was a young and

potent horse.

I trotted triumphantly from one day to the next.

Now I've jumped my 48 fenders.

I'm galloping towards thrombosis, heart disease, hardening of the arteries.

And there you are, cheering me on with your suet puddings and hurl it in a pan

and pray dinner.

I need special attention. I'm at that dangerous age.

I could be your next man drops dead on a bus story.

I don't see how. You drive a car.

Is that a joke?

Is that a joke? Because if that is a joke... It was merely an observation.

All right.

Does he have to yawn?

Do you have to yawn?

And read at the table?

And read at the table?

You're reading at the table. I'm not reading at the table. I don't like

on the table, so I have detached myself from it and I'm reading by the table.

He's like a mobile ribcage.

You're like a mobile ribcage.

Look, isn't it time you two spoke to one another?

It's been nearly a year now.

I believe in respectability and self -sufficiency. He doesn't. I have fun. He

doesn't.

most rewarding relationships is that of father and son. When he was a baby...

When he was a baby, he peered from his bonnet like an evil otter. I bought him

wrapper and he smoked me with it. Oh, now, come on.

We are incompatible.

Dad's right.

It blew my mind when I discovered that the guy who used to giggle, giggle, goo

at me through the cut rails was my father.

My forehead is a perpetual frown. My mouth is set in a thin, angry line.

Soon my face will gather speed and reach my 50th birthday ten years before I do.

Have you seen me gumption?

No, sorry.

Never find a thing in this house.

Oh, thank heavens there's Adam.

As long as I have Adam, I can avoid Valium.

I crashed my car.

You crashed your car?

He's crashed his car.

He's always crashing his car.

Are you all right?

Great, great.

Your hand.

It's okay.

Where's your thumb? I'm missing out on a thumb.

It's there somewhere.

Come and sit down.

Well, I'll go upstairs and zonk out if you know what I mean. Oh, you zonk out

here where we can keep an eye on you.

Mum, call it. I'm okay.

Was there... No, there was no one else involved.

Just me and a bollard.

But we already owe the corporation three bollards. Source us out, not to worry.

What about the car? Where is it?

Here and there.

You mean... Scattered over a wide area.

Right. Adam, I never trusted that car.

Mum, I like clapped -out cars.

And do you like clapped -out mother?

Because that's how I'm going to end up. This whole family is clapping me out.

Soon I'll be jerking round the house with a faulty gearbox and my big end

I'll see you later, OK? What about your dinner?

As soon as I've got over this catastrophe, I'll tackle that one.

Hadn't you anything to say?

That was your son.

When you've seen a horror film a hundred times, you stop being frightened.

Look, I've done my duty. I've brought them up. I've educated them. I've taught

them good from bad, right from wrong.

Now all I've got left is about 20 years to recover.

So that's it, is it?

That is your profundity for the day.

Right.

Oh, hey, Mum, before you go and break something or slam something, can I just

have a word?

Yes, Russell, you may certainly have a word.

Happily, you and I still communicate.

What are these green things?

Those green things are mushy peas.

And I should know because I...

Excuse me.

Yes?

You've been flicking your ash in my trifle.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I must have been dreaming.

It's all right. It's just that you were heading towards my coffee. Oh, please,

let me get you another one. No, no, no. I don't often eat trifle anyway.

In fact, I don't think I'll ever eat it again.

I'm afraid it's been one of those days. I nearly stepped 100 feet and then I

collided with a litter bin. It's funny. I should imagine you to be in a car.

Oh, no.

My husband couldn't decide whether to get a little one each or a big one

us, so he got a big one between us.

For him to use.

You're married, then?

Oh, yes, I'm very married.

You know that glue that sticks anything to anything?

Well, I think it's on the inside of my wedding ring.

Oh, um, I'm Leonard, by the way. Leonard Dunn.

Oh, I'm Ria Parkinson.

Mrs. Ria Parkinson.

Children? Yes, I have one son. You don't look old enough.

Ten.

And another one of nine.

You know, when I first saw you, I thought to myself, now there is a woman.

Yes, well, I think I'd better go now.

My husband... coming home early today and my son Adam crafted a car yesterday.

A pet car.

Right into the sideboard.

And I imagine you've got to get back to work or your wife or something. Oh, I

don't actually have a wife. She went.

She went?

Mm. My best friend said I was too possessive that I ought to let her

She shot off like a band of elastic and expanded from my flat to his. Oh, dear.

Oh.

Love is a... Funny old thing, isn't it?

We're all kids chasing butterflies.

You see it, you want it, you grab it.

And there it is.

All squashed in your hand.

Oh, I'm sorry, you're squeamish. No, no, no. Please, carry on with your powerful

metaphors. It takes the problem out of dieting.

Well, nothing more to say, really. I suppose I'm one of the few lucky ones.

A pleasant house with a pleasant man and two pleasant sons.

It's just that, well, my butterfly didn't get squashed.

Oh, I'm sorry for messing up your trifle and putting you off your

chips. Well, at least I escaped with my coffee.

He didn't even get his coffee.

Well, he asked for it.

I mean, I was looking at that table first.

I was having a quiet cigarette and a quiet thing.

There were plenty of other tables in that cafe.

Poor chap.

Poor chap? Don't you mind him chatting me up?

Not really.

I suspect you asked for it.

I'm sorry about your trifle, Flutter Flutter.

And your chips, flutter, flutter.

But I'm a poor, helpless female, flutter, flutter.

And all I want to do is let you see what I've got, and then when I'm quite sure

you like what I've got, I just want to spill coffee over you.

Wiggle, wiggle.

Are you sure you're not responsible for the Kinsey report?

And speak as a man.

All men are coffee -stained.

Yes, and so they should be.

They've only got to see a woman and they're chalking her up on their

Well, for your information, women prefer to go for romantic walks in park.

Really? Yes, really.

Not just ordinary walking, either.

But intriguingly sort of creeping round the edge of a pond, feeding swans,

talking in a whisper and not quite touching hands,

furtively sharing a granary loaf.

Hey, Mum.

Smells like you're baking a cake, or is it just me hallucinating?

I am baking a cake, Adam. Yes.

Have you lost someone?

Do you have to wear that black thing round your head? What do you think the

place is, a bloody wig round?

You know, the wonderful thing about baking a cake, it's like waiting for a

birth.

Adam, you know your father objects to random references to sex.

You put something in, you wait, you worry.

And something wonderful comes out.

I will not have you talking to your mother like that.

She is making a cake.

Nothing that goes on around that oven has anything to do with procreation.

This is a kitchen, not a maternity ward.

Cakes are delivered here.

Cakes. And other disasters.

Is that clear?

Hey, don't get so uptight. I am not uptight.

Oh, come on, Dad. What did I say?

Ma 'am, this is 1978.

You described the oven as giving birth.

To a cake? Right. So what about that?

Well, it's the connotations.

The connotations.

Before you give birth, you have to get yourself into a certain condition, don't

you? You have to... to... Do naughty things.

With an F.

Is that a joke?

Is it?

Is that a joke?

It was funny, so it's a joke.

Will you both get out of the line of fire, please? I want to open the oven

now.

This is my house.

And in my house, there will be no disrespect, no vulgarity, and no

ovens.

Could someone dismantle the oven, please? This cake refuses to be born.

All I want is a quiet, unobtrusive existence.

I've struggled through my youth. Why do I have to struggle through theirs?

You're at war with youth, aren't you? Just because yours is finished, you

even let theirs begin.

That is utter rubbish. I was simply explaining to the boy that there are...

listen, listen.

Now.

Once upon a time, there was a handsome young dentist with a sense of humour and

a beautiful young girl with toothache.

Two fillings and a brilliant bridge job later, he fell in love with her smile.

A mortgage was arranged and they got married.

What happened?

The world happened.

The world?

Well, inflation happened.

Supermarkets happened.

A little sticky pride ticket happened.

The Rolling Stones and parking meters happened.

If that wasn't enough, they happened.

Excuse me, Mum. I'm talking to your father.

Oh, good. That's real handy.

Could you ask him if I could borrow the keys to his car? So that we can move

mine, so that we can go and check up on Adam's. I don't know why, but nobody

ever lends me their car keys.

I will move it in a... minute fine fine

now ben i know it's difficult for you uh this is

1978 and you're still trying to shake off 1938 but things have changed you

so yourself there are supermarkets and sticky price labels and broad

and sex i didn't say anything about sex then why don't you why don't you say

something about sex because everybody else is saying something about it the

whole world chanting about it. It's in the newspapers, on the television.

They're actually trying to make me believe that unless I use a certain

aftershave, I shall become impotent.

There, you see, you said something about sex.

Impotent, you said.

Impotence and sex have nothing in common.

You've got one, you're out of luck with the other.

I'll tell you what.

The boys are out tonight.

to the off -license and get a special bottle of wine and we can sit on the

settee together.

Maybe we can lie on the carpet and make shadows on

the ceiling with our toes the way we used to.

When you were young.

I think I'll paint the house purple this year.

Yes, purple.

With orange paintwork and yellow nylon nets.

And I'll have naked gnomes and a rude door knocker.

Mouths and flowers and patterns.

Maybe I'll form words with them.

A sentence.

A vulgar sentence.

And I'll hoist my knickers up on the television aerial.

Dash about naked with the lawnmower.

Yes, that should liven things up a bit.

You stupid cow! What the hell are you trying to do?

Look, that is a pavement for pedestrians.

This is a roadway for motorists.

Now, you don't have to be a genius to... Hello.

Hello.

I was just crossing the road.

I was just coming round the corner.

Funny we should bump into each other again.

I don't seem to be able to move I think my mind has informed my body that it's

dead Well, come and sit in the car for a moment

It's incredible, isn't it, that moment before death?

I mean, that moment before you think you're going to die.

I find myself worrying about the most ridiculous thing.

Like I'd spent the television rental money and they'd come and take it away

while they were all at my funeral.

It's full of stale peanuts.

And there are no iron shirts.

And this orange lipstick will look awful when I'm dead.

Well, in the meantime, you're not dead.

And it looks fine.

Has she, your wife, has she come back?

No.

Has your husband left?

No.

Sir, you're stuck with him and I'm stuck with me. I'm not stuck with him.

I'm sorry, I thought you said something about glue on the inside of your wedding

ring. What I meant was that I was truly married, voluntarily married.

Bound, if you like, by love and loyalty.

God, you sound like the Queen on Christmas Day.

I'm sorry.

Look, I'm... I'm 44, alone, and it's not easy.

I mean, I've passed those glorious days when I can put on dark glasses, a bobble

cap, and cruise along in my car, taking the pick of the pavement.

The only way I can get to know a woman nowadays is by running over her.

You probably won't understand this, but after a certain age, it's no fun waking

up and finding some dozy female in your bed with tyre marks all over her.

There's a certain absence of dignity.

Then if you're lucky or unlucky, and you manage to snare some nubile wench from

a wine bar, a terrible sense of insecurity sets in.

You wonder if you did anything wrong or if you did anything out of character.

Or worst of all, whether you managed to do anything at all.

And you look down at that pale, fragile heap with a perfect

skin and a perfect eyes and a perfect glow.

And you find yourself creeping along to the bathroom mirror to check out on your

remaining assets.

Everything seems to be taking a downward plunge. No matter which way you turn,

you look like an old oil painting.

Oh, boy.

Then you wish you had a big, fat, plain wife.

Oh.

You're feeling middle -aged, aren't you? No, no, no, I'm feeling 17.

I'm just looking middle -aged.

I'm not young.

But you're beautifully old.

I'm older than you think. As a matter of fact, my sons, Adam and Russell, are

really... Ten and nine. I'm very pleasant, yes, I know.

And you've got a very pleasant house in a very pleasant district. And if that

isn't enough, you've got a very pleasant husband.

Come on, I'll run you home.

I'm happily married.

But I'm not excitingly married. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Dear world, having a lovely time.

Hotel great, food great, everything great. Wish you were here.

Instead of me, love Ria.

Angry and bitter and cynical.

But I've got a lovely body.

I thought you said everything was taking a downward plunge.

It's all clambering up again now.

over there. You'd better stop here.

Not that Ben would mind me getting a lift from another man.

Oh, you don't have to explain to me.

When Unigate announced that they were going to employ friendly milkmen, I went

right out and punched out.

That's some car. What do you do? Drive it or wave it?

Oh, yes, that's mine.

Well, no, not mine. It's my friend. I borrowed it for fun.

He must have brought it round for me.

He's a very good and giving friend.

Well, I'd better go.

Bye -bye. Could we eat together?

Nothing furtive or clandestine, just an honest daylight meal with a newly

discovered good and giving friend.

Oh, yes.

Quite unimportant. I'm not pressing you. It's nothing at all, really. However, I

will be at that cafe tomorrow for one o 'clock lunch. Should you feel like

stubbing a cigarette out in my soup or pouring coffee all over the table, here

you go.

Man,

that's lovely.

Bye, Mum.

Bye, Mum.

Oh, my God. How do I keep them a secret?

I don't see how the word finish comes into it. You went mine away as I was

approaching my third chip.

I started my jerry when you fell upon the spoons.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm in a hurry to get to the shop.

The percolator's on.

The coffee will be ready in five minutes.

are hanging in the kitchen, and the milk is in the fridge, which is also in the

kitchen. And the kitchen is due north.

If one of you should get lost en route, the other two can form a search party.

All right?

I would like my coffee to be served by my wife, if you don't mind. Oh, you go,

Mum. It's okay by me.

Russell says it's okay by him. And me. You go right out and enjoy yourself.

Oh, you see, Adam says I can go right out and enjoy myself.

Enjoy myself.

Who says anything about enjoying myself? I never enjoy myself.

you accuse me of enjoying myself I devote my entire existence to this

ship I am the cook the laundry maid and the captain I'm the hoist the sails

scrub the decks and ding the dong and when you lot are sprawled in front of

television enjoying yourselves

now go to the shops, as predicted.

we just love each other.

I can't relax.

There's something ominous when you all sit there loving each other.

Ben, say something cruel and insensitive.

He can't. He wants to borrow my toolkit and he's not speaking to run.

I can't go out until things are normal.

What would you like for dinner tonight?

I really don't mind.

But you always mind.

Well, today I don't. Why today?

What's the matter with you? You're being nice.

It would be nice if it were a week ago, a year ago. Why today?

What's different about today?

Oh, no, nothing. Nothing's different.

Good.

Then whatever you cook, I will happily eat.

I'm not pleased. I want you the way you were. You don't keep being nice.

You haven't the figure for it.

That little speech you made about the family ship, you were right.

You do keep it afloat.

I don't know where dinging the dong comes in, but you were right.

Oh, God.

He's going to start appreciating me. Oh, don't worry. We'll make up for it.

You'd better take my car keys, or you'll never make it by one o 'clock.

One o 'clock? What do you mean? Who said anything about making anything by one o

'clock? Shops.

Okay?

Oh, yes.

Shops.

Oh, and watch out for that strange guy. Oh, yeah.

Strange guy?

Yeah, we were bombing round in the car this morning. This guy starts chasing

We couldn't shake him off.

Anyway, it turns out he thought he recognised the car. Said he had a friend

one the same.

We told him that car's completely unique.

And nobody else drives it except us and dear old Mama.

Did he seem surprised?

No.

Even morons like us have mothers.

See you. Ciao.

so I came home to pour your coffee.

You know, I decided I quite like my ship and the crew and the rough

seas.

Oh, it's an exciting life.

God, I thought, I'm so lucky to have such an exciting life.

My butterfly is squashed.

Thank you.