Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, yeah.

What are you doing?

Sorry, I tried on whoopsie rabbit.

Well, put your rabbit down and come to bed.

Some pew in a minute, Eric.

No, no, no.

I don't want you to go to sleep.

No,

it's Jacko.

He's done something incredible.

He hasn't ironed one of his own shirts, has he? No.

He's just gone off to propose.

What?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Well, he didn't say.

Didn't you ask him?

Look, he caught me unawares.

We were talking about football, then all of a sudden he said he was going to

propose and shut off. Oh, I could kill him.

I thought you'd always wanted him to get married.

Well, not without telling me who to first.

I'm his sister, and I could kill you too.

What have I done?

Well, I won't get any sleep now, will I? You might have waited till the morning.

Jean. If I'd waited till the morning, you'd have blamed me for not waking you

to tell you tonight.

Well, either way, I'm going to have to lie here wondering who Jacko's proposing

to. Well, you don't have to just lie there.

You could be more gainfully occupied.

Well, you're the one with your clothes on.

Give me a moment, my dear.

one of your children, that is.

Well, you're the one with your clothes on.

What are you

doing here?

Avon calling.

I thought you were half past one in the morning.

We're on a failed drive.

Sandra, I want to talk to you.

What about?

Well, it's personal.

Well, I didn't think you'd come round to talk about the weather.

What sort of personal?

The sort of personal that I can't talk to you through a crack in the door

Oh, you'd better come up then.

Nice nightie. Don't start.

No, you see, it's all right for him.

He's got the football world at his feet. He's earning a fortune.

But one day, one day, Sandra, baby Maradona's going to turn round and say,

did you do in the World Cup, Daddy?

And he's going to have to say, I put the first goal in with me hand.

Well, that's lovely, isn't it?

Mind you, he might not care.

Jackal. See, he should have took the leaf out of Rodney Marsh's book.

Not Rodney Master Footballer. I mean Rodney Master Australian Wicketkeeper.

I saw him, Sandra, on the telly. Now, I think it was a test match.

The batsman was on his way back to the pavilion when Rodney called him back.

Now, that's what you call sportsmanship.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

No, it doesn't.

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm talking about what you become.

How you end up, right and wrong.

But why wake me up in the middle of the night to talk about it?

Because it involves you.

Oh?

Take Jekyll and I.

I don't think I like the sound of this.

Now, there was a bloke who had a choice.

Take the potion or not.

Well, he'd have been better off if he hadn't.

He didn't go all airy in the book, you know.

Didn't he?

No.

Jekyll, what are you talking about?

He could.

He could have found out that the other side of him... was nicer instead of

nastier. I suppose so.

Wouldn't have made such a good story, though. Nah.

Then there's Abraham Lincoln.

Now, he was naturally hairy.

Yeah, but did he set out to become President of the United States?

I don't know.

See, I don't think he did.

Well, I feel a lot better for knowing that.

To lose the trek.

Another hairy one.

Yeah. Did he set out to become a painter?

Did you?

He didn't either.

Mozart knew.

Mozart knew from when he was so high.

You mean he really wanted to be a painter?

Not.

He knew from the first days Mum and Dad bought him his first little toy piano

that he wanted to become a composer.

This is getting like trivial pursuit.

Jackal, why are we talking about all these famous people?

We're not.

You could have fooled me.

Sandra, I'm talking about me.

You're not telling me you want to become a composer.

No.

I'm talking about changing.

Into what?

A married man.

Oh, right, I'm finished with talking about it.

Huh? I'm proposing.

What?

Will you?

Will I what?

Marry me.

Good Lord, I couldn't make it any plainer.

Will you?

Oh, Jacko.

Course I will.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

Thanks very much.

That's all right.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

I said, would you like a cup of coffee?

Oh, well, if we're going to get married, I suppose... A cup of coffee in a cup?

No,

no, thank you, no.

I'm sorry I disturbed you so late.

Oh, that's all right.

It was worth it.

You won't be leaving the firm now, eh?

Well, being married to you wouldn't be all that convenient, would it? With me

living in Newcastle and you living down here.

You could commute.

I'd better ring me mum and dad.

They're about four hours behind up there, aren't they?

Of course, I've never met your mum and dad.

Oh, they're like you.

Why? Well, because you're very moral.

Sounds like a criticism coming from you.

Can Eric be best man?

Oh, yeah.

I'd like to be married in a church.

Yeah, of course, yeah.

Mr Vicar will let me in.

I need bridesmaids.

Yeah, now who do I know?

I'll find them.

I feel funny.

So do I.

Perhaps we'd better lie down.

See you in the morning.

All right, Sandra.

Look, um... I'd just like to thank you officially for accepting my proposal.

Not at all.

Thanks for asking.

That's all right.

Ta -ra, then.

What's this?

Union meeting?

Ah, in a way, yes, Lionel.

Can we have a word?

I don't feel generous today.

It's not about money.

All right.

Better come in, then.

You've all got silly grins on your faces.

There's a reason for that, Mr Bainbridge.

Jacko and I are going to get married.

Mad, Sandra.

You know what he's like.

He's a pest.

I should take him down to Vets, have him seen to it.

Will you give me away, Lionel? Well, nobody'd bloody buy you, would they?

Look here, may I point out that congratulations are in order, Mr

What's it got to do with you?

Come to think of it, what are you doing in here anyway?

I'm the best man.

Best man?

Bertram Mills?

Well, there's no need to get over -emotional, Lionel. You'll have us all

tears in a minute.

Rather you to me, Sandra.

I second that.

We'd like you to come to the wedding, Mr Beanbridge.

Of course you would. Well, unless you'd like to perform the ceremony here and

now. I mean, we are all lined up, aren't we?

Even if I was empowered, I wouldn't. I couldn't walk around the rest of my life

knowing I'd lumbered a nice girl like Sandra.

Do you really think I'm nice, Mr Beanbridge?

Of course I do, dear.

Can I keep my job, then? Course you can, poor little mite.

Do you think I'm nice, Lionel? No.

Will you be buying us a drink, Lionel? I mean, you are part of the family,

nearly, aren't you? I wouldn't be in your family.

What have you in mine?

What? Nothing.

All right, I'll push the boat out.

Pub, lunchtime.

Here, why don't you ask Veronica along?

She'd like that.

It is not your place to even imagine what my wife would like or not like.

Well, would she?

Probably. Well, ask her then.

All right, I will.

I just hope, Sandra, that he treats you with the same decorum and respect with

which I endow my Veronica.

I don't think Jackal could ever be like you, Mr Bainbridge.

No, maybe not.

You do your best. You here?

Yes, Lionel.

Um, Mr Bainbridge?

What are you, um, in about now?

You never pushed the boat out when I got married, did you? I don't push the boat

out for painters.

Unless they're like a son to him.

You, a son of mine?

I'd kill myself.

I repeat, I do not push boats out for painters. I only push boats out for

members of my office staff.

I'm the only member you've got.

Lionel's no fool.

I'm not mean, if that's what you're implying.

I see what Mr Bainbridge is saying.

That he may only be pushing the boat out once, but when he does, he does it with

immense style.

You got me up to a T there, Sandra.

I mean, how many bottles would settle for nothing less than champagne?

You'd listen to her.

We did.

Right.

Champagne it is.

I'll pick Veronica up, meet you in the pub at one o 'clock. In the meantime, do

you think we could all do some work?

Yes, Lionel. Go on, clear all.

Nice one, Dondra. I thought you played the champagne card beautifully.

It must be the company I keep.

Here, I've just had a thought.

Did Lionel know his little girl's working behind the bar?

He hasn't mentioned it.

Still, medical signs can do wonders these days, can't it?

Anyway, Larry, as it were... Where's Larry gone?

He left.

He wouldn't leave with only half his beer drunk. What happened?

He threw an empty crisp packet on the floor.

And you told it to pick it up? Yes, of course. Now, look here, Leslie. This is

pub, this is. And it's a man's inalienable right to chuck crisp packets

floor if he wants to. And dog ends? Yes.

And steel beer mats? Of course. All the traditional values, in other words. Yes.

This is an institution, it is, and he should stop trying to run it like a

he owns. You're the one with delusions of grandeur. I'm only trying to better

meself. Yes, well, I don't need to. I couldn't believe their ears when I said

champagne, of course.

But you see, with me... Leslie.

Good gracious.

Hello, Daddy.

I want a word with you, Elmo, punt me.

How dare you hijack my daughter?

I didn't. She applied of her own accord.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. This little girl was educated in Perrin. She's an

poor bonnet.

Don't shout, Daddy.

You got a job, and I did apply for it. See?

I've got bills to pay.

And you took a job to pay them? Yes.

Well done, Leslie.

But it's degrading, a daughter of mine working in a dump like this.

Well, you brought your wife for a drink.

And it's not a dump. I had continental tables outside on a pavement last night.

Well, where are they now, then? Well, a lorry got them.

And were I noticed, as I was, I'm in a brewery magazine I am. I'm an article.

Yes, well, I'm not an article, so please don't disgust me as though I were.

I'm working here and that's all there is to say. Good for you.

Do you like it?

No, I hate it.

Even better for you.

What bravery.

That is the Bainbridge blood coming out, that is.

I'll tell you this, Elmo Putney. If any arm befalls this little girl, you get

splattered. Splattered? You couldn't splatter a soft -boiled egg.

No, no. Do you want to fight? Prove it. Oh, God.

I'll have one if you want one.

How boring.

In here or in the alley. Makes no odds to me. Makes no odds to me. Choose your

spot, then. No, you choose your spot.

Hold my coat, Veronica. You're going right over that bar you are. Oh, yeah,

you're going straight through that wall.

Go on, then, put one there. No, you put one there. Just try it. Go on.

That saved your bacon.

A bottle of champagne, please.

No, that saved your bacon.

Sweet or dry? And don't you forget it.

Dry. And don't you forget it. How many glasses?

Let's all forget it. Five glasses. All right, all right.

to lose your temper.

I'm so happy for the both of you. Thank you very much, Mrs Bainbridge.

It's fine to come to his senses, Mrs Bainbridge. He's only 52.

He was a long use, wasn't he, Jacko? Oh, I had some lovely moments, so... I'm

pleased. Oh, not that they're over, I don't mean that.

That was well -timed. Here we are then.

Goodness, my word.

You're a prince, Lionel, not to say a king.

Well... As best man, I suppose it behoves me to say a few words. Who

drink? I know.

You go ahead, Mr Bainbridge.

I'm sure you're much more verbose than I am.

Oh. Well, thank you very much.

Now then.

To my secretary, Sandra.

And to my... My, uh... Best mate.

And to you, Jacko.

A long and happy marriage period.

Thank you very much.

Mrs Bainbridge meet Mr Bainbridge?

I knocked her over on Clapham Common.

What on purpose?

No, I was dirt -tracking on me bike.

Not easy on a penny -farthing.

You can laugh. We had to make our own entertainment in those days. What,

knocking girls over on your bike?

It was his mother's, actually. A big block stand -up job with a basket on the

handlebars. It wasn't my mother's bike.

It was a racing bike. Eight gears, a really light frame.

I saw the face.

I didn't make a face.

Has it come as a bit of a shock for you, love?

Couldn't care less what Jaco does.

He's just a somebody as far as I'm concerned.

He's a somebody who got under your skin more than anybody else ever did.

That's utter rubbish.

It's a shame.

What is?

He'd have been very good for you, Jaco.

Now, that is nonsense.

No, he's filtered down to his right level. The little girl in the office.

As opposed to the barmaid.

That was unnecessary.

Oh, don't be so catty, Leslie. Wish him well.

Oh, I do.

You may not believe this, love, but I am on your side.

I just hope that one day you find a really nice bloke.

Like Daddy, you mean?

I love you too, darling.

Oh, hello, Sandra.

Hello. Your dad's not in. Oh, that's all right.

I came to see you.

To congratulate you. I'm really very pleased for both of you.

Oh, thank you very much.

To tell you the truth, I didn't think you would be.

Why ever not?

Well, you were sweet on Jack all once yourself.

More the other way round, actually.

Oh.

You played your cards well.

I wasn't aware I was playing anything.

Oh, come off it. We all know that not until we're married, one.

Oh, do we?

Anyway, it's all ancient history.

Many congratulations.

Thank you.

Funny, though.

All right.

I'll buy it.

What is?

That I know what you're about to find out.

I hope you're not too disappointed.

Now, why should I be disappointed?

Just ask yourself this.

Why is Jacko going to such pains to project himself as a modern Casanova?

I've often wondered what a sour grape actually looked like.

You don't have to like me to hear what I'm saying. I don't have to believe you

either. No, you're quite right.

Well, why should I take any notice of what you say?

Now you've had your little paddle, you just want to poison the water.

I quite agree. That's how it must seem.

Come to think of it, there's no reason why I should believe a word I'm saying.

I don't. Good.

Thank you.

You fancy a roll -up?

What did you say?

I said, do you fancy a roll -up? How dare you?

What's this? What's this? She hit me. Why? He made an obscene suggestion.

I've got a sock full of sand down here.

All I said was, did you want a roll -up?

Blimey, if you can't offer a person a fag anymore in this country, well, you

stick your drink and stick your pub.

And stick your barmaid. I should have stayed on the Algarve. I was happy

That's another one.

I didn't think he meant that sort of roll -up.

Anyway, what does it matter?

What does it matter?

Look around you. You're empty in the place.

I employed you to pull the customers in, but they're leaving in droves. You

won't wear a decent dress that gives them something to look at.

And worst of all, you're giving yourself airs and graces above the station at a

pub. That's not even English.

I know what I mean. Now, you watch your step or I'll... Or what?

Or I'll sack you.

You can't do that.

I've got bills to pay.

And I've got a pub to run.

When you said come out for a cocktail, I didn't think we'd end up here.

Somebody's got to keep an eye on our child.

Look at her.

She's lost weight.

Since lunchtime.

Hello, Angel.

How are you?

How are you? I'm trying.

There's an atmosphere in your voice.

No, really, Daddy. It's all right. I'm fine.

There you are, Lionel. She's fine.

She's not.

Has this got anything to do with you?

You start on me and you're going right over that bar.

You talk to me like that, you go straight through that wall. Oh, no. Oh,

Elmo, be a good bloke. Just lose yourself for a minute, will you?

Well, that saves your baiting.

Now, come on, Angel.

Tell Daddy what's the matter.

No, it's all right. My problems are my problems now. When I left home, I said

I'd stand on my own feet, and that's what I intend to do, even if it is

than I thought it would be. Good for you, Leslie.

Oh, for goodness sake, Veronica, can't you see this child is crying inside?

Oh, Lionel, come on. Well, she is.

Look, Angel, if it's money... No, that's just what I must do.

I have to succeed by my own effort. By her own effort.

Well, survive anyway.

It's just that things get on top of me sometimes working in a place like this.

Right, that's it. Now, this is me talking now. This is your father.

You are coming home to live with Mummy and me.

That's not what she asked, Lionel. Shut up! No, Mummy's right. It's not fair.

I'm not listening. Come on. No, I mustn't. Oh, now... Come on, Angel.

suffered enough.

Oh, Daddy.

Oh.

Come on, Angel. Daddy's taking you home.

Go away, Veronica.

I haven't given you a carry for ages, have I?

Not since you were my little tiny angel.

To be honest, Veronica, I'm not sorry to see her go.

I can understand that.

What, you're going with them?

No, I think I'll just wait till I notice I'm not there.

I close at 11 tonight.

That won't be long enough.

Well,

they say the way to a man's heart's through his stomach. You've arrived,

I didn't have to go to the Thorbond to learn how to do it, either.

Now, now.

Right, custard.

Oh, I'm not very good at custard.

Oh, don't worry about that. I shall be dealing with that.

Do you like it thick?

Yeah. Good. Cos the way I make it, the test is you hold the bowl upside down

none falls out.

Would you be living here, then?

Oh, I hope not.

I was rather hoping for a 15 -bedroom Georgian mansion in Buckinghamshire.

Right, I'll pop down this weekend and get us a couple.

Right,

then. That's the food and the accommodation taken care of.

Now all we've got to worry about is, er, how we kill the time in the evenings.

There must be something we can do.

I sincerely hope so.

Jackal? Hmm?

No, nothing.

Now, I hate that. What?

Well, I was just thinking.

Thinking what?

You're all right, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, thank you.

I mean, if you weren't all right, you would tell me, wouldn't you?

You're that kind of bloke.

You would tell me, I know you would.

Tell you what?

If you weren't all right.

Will you always be worrying excessively about my health?

Not your health so much as, well, your capabilities.

Do you mean what I think you mean?

I think I must do because you look offended.

Well, blimey, wouldn't anybody be?

Yes, I suppose so.

Well, put that in your head then.

Sheer stupidity. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.

Because it forces me to do something that goes right against the grain.

What? Remove any lingering doubts you may have by sacrificing myself before me

wedding night.

Well, that's what he said.

Now, I'll be honest with you, Leslie, I didn't really expect them to invite you.

I ever not. I hope the three of us become very good friends.

Leslie.

You found me.

It's the Auntie Gloria.

Hello, Gloria.

Jean. You looking?

Oh, thanks.

I was a bit worried in case people might have thought I'd overdone myself.

Oh, no.

Oh, thanks.

What's going on?

Hello, pumpkin.

Don't define one.

He's like that all the time. Is he?

Are you sure you can't wait?

Come on, then.

Now, look here, Joe. I think you ought to know now that weddings make me go all

funny.

Do you mean our sort of funny, pumpkin?

Yeah.

Good show.

Look how nice they've made it out.

I'm saying that is not an apology.

I didn't even hear what you mumbled.

Well, I did, and it was. Now, it's about time you apologised. I'll apologise

when I hear a proper apology.

I'm not apologising twice for your... It won't be twice, because an inaudible

apology can't count as an apology.

Who said so? I said so. You and whose army?

Jean, could you?

Hello, Steve.

Thanks for coming. Oh, good luck, mate.

I want to cheer up.

Nobody actually does any physical violence, do you? No.

Hello, Mum.

How are you? How's life today, Steve?

They need a striker badly.

Well, he's not here, is he?

Give me Mum, you know. Hello, how are you?

This is it, mate.

You all right?

Away, pet.

Welcome. Come this way.

Do you want an outcome? Well, I think I might have terrible mood to die.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

You love nature.

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