Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Bainbridge?

Yes, I do. Come in, Sandra.

Close the door.

And sit down.

Yes,

Mr Bainbridge?

It's money, isn't it?

What is?

You're all the same, you canny scot.

I come from Newcastle, Mr Bainbridge.

That's all up that way.

You want a rise, but no, you don't come in and ask for it. You put a letter of

resignation on my desk.

There's a reason for that.

I'm leaving.

Nah, you just want more money.

I don't. You do.

I don't. Look, Sandra, if you wanted a rise, why don't you just walk in and ask

for one?

Would I have got one?

Not necessarily, no.

But you won't get one trying to force my hand with this sort of trick.

It isn't a trick.

I've handed in my notice.

Well, this is real, then?

Yes.

Oh.

You're leaving?

Yes.

Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Why?

Personal reasons.

I see. Well, of course I respect that.

What are they?

I'm going to have quins.

You're not!

No, I'm not.

I've got me reasons. Can't we just leave it at that?

Well, it can't be anything I've done.

Oh, you're that sure?

Yes, common sense, as I'm a wonderful employer, let alone the personal side of

me.

It isn't me, is it?

How could it be, Mr Bainbridge?

Now, are you still hooked on Bakewell's heart, or would you like to go back to

Chelsea Buns with your tea?

Oh, I think I... It's him!

What is?

Jacko!

You're leaving because of Jacko!

No, I'm not.

Why should you think that?

Because you're a girl!

What's he been up to, Sandra?

Oh, my God.

You were joking about the quins, weren't you?

It's got nothing to do with Jack. He didn't trap you in that paint store, did

he? Cos that's what happened with Miss MacRindle. That nearly went to law. Why

am I having to say everything twice to you today, Mr Bainbridge?

Pardon?

Say, why am I having to say everything twice to you today, Mr Bainbridge?

It could be that you're not making yourself very clear.

I'll try this, then.

I am leaving.

It's got nothing to do with Jacko, and I don't see that it's any of your

business. I shall be getting a replacement, Sandra.

Well, you'll have to, won't you? Just let it be known, that's all, and I'll

a cut to tough.

You rascal.

Good morning, Eric.

Morning, Sandra.

Yeah? I'm sorry you're leaving.

Thank you.

How did Lionel take it?

Thought I was after more money.

Yeah, he would.

It's because of Jacko, isn't it?

That's what Lionel said.

That's unusually intuitive of him.

It's not intuitive of either of you. Why does Jacko have to have anything to do

with it?

Well, it stands to reason.

You've been seeing a lot of each other. You're very fond of each other. But then

all of a sudden you're up in stakes and going back to Geordieland.

It's obvious there's been some sort of altercation.

And did you get a free magnifying glass with your junior detective, sir?

Yes, I did. And I'm right, aren't I?

I could be going to my grandmother's funeral.

Well, if you're going to have to leave to do it, it must be an extraordinarily

long funeral.

Look, is there anything I can do?

Mind your own business?

It's only because I like you both.

As a matter of fact, me and Jean did harbour hopes for you two.

Yes, well, maybe you did.

Morning, Sandra.

Hello.

Well, I'll just pop over to the... Out to the...

Pop to the... The place I pop to on these occasions.

What's all this nonsense about you leaving, then?

It isn't nonsense.

It's a fact.

Look, you don't have to go just because we had a little misunderstanding.

Little misunderstanding?

You accused me of trying to trap you into marriage.

It's only the way the words come out.

Look, if I was wrong, I apologise.

And there's no need to do anything drastic because of me.

My God.

Your head could go in the Guinness Book of Records.

Don't get clever.

Well, stop acting like God's gift to women.

It is possible that I have plans for my life that don't include you.

Well, get on with them, then. I intend to. Good.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got to get on with some work.

Mind you don't break your fingernails. You'll have nothing to scratch with.

Mind your head on the doorframe!

It is a shame, though, cos I did harbour oats for you two. Will you stop going

on about harbouring oats?

Hello, Ned!

What do you think?

I'm flabber and he's gasted.

I have gone continental.

You have gone off your head.

What are you playing at?

This will do wonders for me, trade.

I am bringing the visto atmosphere to the paper.

Elmo, you don't actually expect people to sit down out here, do you? They

already have, matey. Hence all the rubbish.

Saves on cleaning up inside, doesn't it? Anyway, sit down.

and celebrate my outside with a free glass of Vindy Table.

One could be a Mon Martyr, couldn't one?

One wishes one was. I have a better view.

Here you are, lad.

Tried it.

Hey, it's not that Albanian rubbish, is it?

Well, where's it from, then?

Oh, somewhere else.

It is that Albanian rubbish.

Well, what do you expect for nothing?

You're right.

We shouldn't expect anything here.

You want to watch it, you know. You won't be able to get through that door

couple of days.

Why? You're keeping it locked?

For the crowds, Curly.

If they don't come round here for all of this, they'll come round for my added

attraction.

Decent beer.

No.

Crumpet barmaid. Very tastefully put, Elmo.

You see, ever since I got shot at that dollop of face cream on two legs who

to be my wife, I can have one. I'm already advertising.

Look.

You can't put that, Elmo. That's sexual discrimination.

Against who?

Against women, you puddin'.

These days you've got to say bar person.

All right. I'll make it wanted crumpet bar person.

Don't you think crumpet is the tiniest bit offensive?

I've never found it offensive.

Give up.

Look, let me put it like this, though, Elmo. If you don't change the wording,

you'll get nicked.

Oh, pfft.

It's all right, then. I'll make it wanted bar person with no... No!

Chisel. Well, by the way, the note you sent, I'll put the word about.

Yeah, let me know if you hear of anybody, all right? All right, Elmo.

And in the meantime, enjoy your free wine and soak up the atmosphere.

One of nature's sophisticates, Elmo.

That could have been Elmo.

Jesus.

Do try the new magic island fruit drink.

Will somebody try it?

I will, miss.

Oh, my God.

Very authentic, isn't she? She has taken me for some white dirty from over the

ocean. Go away.

Not until I've had my free drink.

Well, you asked for it.

Oh, my God. That is worse than Elmo's

Albanian wine.

Thank you very much.

What's happened to the sunshine of your smile, Leslie?

I'm fed up. If I hear one more joke about this garden lawnmower, I shall

Yeah, forgive me for asking, but you don't intend making a career of this, do

you? Of course not.

But I'm behind with rent and various other things.

Well, what's to stop you doing the usual?

Tap Daddy.

I don't always do that.

Oh, I thought you did.

The merest hint of moisture about your eyes and Lionel's chucking out tenors

like a cash dispenser.

For your information, I'm made of sterner stuff now that I live on my own.

Who do you catch off now, then?

You really do have a low opinion of me, don't you?

Oh, come on, Leslie.

What are you doing this for?

Why don't you get a proper job?

I've tried, but employers don't seem to understand me.

What's the matter?

Expect you to work, do they?

I'm not afraid of hard work.

All right, then.

Elmo wants a bar, mate.

What?

A barmaid.

Don't be ridiculous.

Hello, Elizabeth.

Enter.

Miss Wilson to see you, Mr Bainbridge.

Oh, ever come in, please, Sandra.

Please.

Good afternoon, my dear. Do take a seat.

Thank you very much.

Can one of my office staff get you anything? Cup of tea, cup of coffee?

No, thank you very much.

Pardon, dear?

Sorry, I was going too far the other way, cos sometimes when I'm nervous I

quite raucous.

Oh, there's no need to be nervous, dear. Just an interview.

So, what made you apply for this job as my new secretary?

Well, I enjoyed my last employment as a swimming bath attendant, but decided to

seek other employments which had more prestige.

Oh, well, you've come to the right place, cos I'm very prestigious.

Qualifications? Yes.

What are they?

Oh, CSE in Domestic Science and Religious Education and Physics.

Who's they?

Yes, but I never actually set the exam.

How did you get the CSE, then?

I don't know.

Must have got stuck on the end of my results by mistake.

Honesty, another good quality.

Secretarial skills?

Yes.

Typing? Yes.

How many words a minute?

Well, it depends on how big the words are.

I mean, if they're little words like it or if or but, I could probably do about

six.

What about short end?

Not as such.

Not the proper squiggly stuff, but I have worked out a system of my own.

How effective is that?

Oh, quite effective.

Provided I can remember what it all means.

You're wasting my time.

There's no need to shout at me. Ah, go on, get out of it. Get back to your

swimming balls.

Well, I was only trying to better myself.

Sandra, will you grab a word?

What word's that?

Nice to see you. I haven't seen you since Ramsgate.

What are you doing here?

Oh, not getting a job.

Oh, shame.

You've got to be better than the last girl.

Well, back to the barbs.

Rotten chlorine.

And I think I've got water in one of my ears permanently.

Yeah, it's a barmaid's job going down at Elmo's, if you fancy that.

Oh, a barmaid.

There's not much prestige in there, is there?

Oh, I don't know.

He's got tables on the pavement now, you know.

Has he?

Yeah. Oh, I think I'll pop down there then.

Thanks, Jacko. Good luck.

Oh, did you ever find that shoe?

Oh, no.

Must have got swept out to sea.

Ta -ra.

Ta -ra.

It's like a disease with you, isn't it?

Naomi and I are old friends.

Dear friends.

Yeah, just about your mark, she is. A right clunkhead.

And you're no better, finding me girls like that.

I didn't. The job centre sent her.

Right. And they're getting one of my letters.

What did you say her name was?

Naomi. Not her first name.

Wilson.

Right, Naomi Wilson. I'll tell her... Naomi Wilson.

Who were her parents?

Mr and Mrs Wilson, I presume.

Donald Wilson, who runs the sports shop.

Oh, my God.

He's master of the seals.

What, trains them?

Wax seals.

Official seals.

All -powerful seals that he's in charge of at this place I go to sometimes.

Oh, the lodge?

Yes, if he finds out about a small misunderstanding with his daughter.

Well, what could he do? He couldn't take on a decent -sized jelly baby.

No, he's got powers.

Awesome powers.

Plus, I mean, up his ceremonial walking stick.

Well, I must say, Naomi, you are all I envisaged in a bar person.

Oh, very nice of you, Mr Patney.

Now you've taken the job, you wouldn't mind, well, wearing something a bit

more... Up here and down there, would you? Of course not.

It's expected, isn't it? What a very intelligent girl. The only thing that

concerns me is the prestige.

Oh, you don't have to do any cooking.

Oh, my dear child, what must you think of me? As long as you're asking, not a

lot. Quite right, too, the way I acted. I could give you an explanation, but

you'd only feel sorry for me.

Anyway, it's all water under the bridge.

Come back to work for me. Oi, oi, oi! Naomi is about to sign forms with me.

I'm not a footballer.

Erase my establishment on me. Oh, gee, she's coming back to work for me. No,

she's not. We've agreed terms.

Now, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you four gallons of grey emulsion for her. I'll tell you what.

You keep your hands off and I'll give you...

Three cases of Albanian wine. Four gallons of grey emulsion plus two paint

rollers with trays.

Three cases of Albanian wine and eight free goes on my barbillion.

Don't push your luck. I could just walk off with her. Just you try it, sonny.

I'll be right round your place and fetch you back here.

Who the hell do you think you are?

You're like a couple of sheikhs haggling over a slave girl.

Well, you can stuff both your jaws.

I'm going back to the bath.

If I have to put up with people like you for prestige, I'd rather have the smell

of chlorine and the water in my ear.

Ah, now look what you've done.

Sandra, is King getting?

No. He tore off to the sports shop with a box of cigars for Mr Wilson.

Here, I wonder what Mr Wilson has got up his ceremonial walking stick.

Well, by the sounds of this lodge of theirs, probably the flags of all

Now, that's better, isn't it?

What is?

Well, you having a bit of a laugh.

I have been known to laugh.

Oh, don't start.

Well, don't you start.

Look, that's not why I came in to see you.

Why did you come in to see me?

Well, I've been thinking this afternoon.

What about Miss Wilson and the missing shoe at Ramsgate?

No, you and me.

Oh? Look, you're leaving soon, Sandra, and I... I don't want us to part enemy.

I don't want you shivering in that igloo up there thinking nasty thoughts about

me, that's all.

We're not enemies.

We had a row, that's all.

Well, that can't be all if it made you hand your notice in.

You're like an earthworm, you are.

Always turning the ground over.

All right, forget why I think you're leaving.

Let's just not part on a gnarky note, eh?

We did have some good times, didn't we?

Yeah, we did.

Remember when I took you ice skating at Streatham?

Yes. You gave me my first ice dancing lesson.

Yeah, I did, didn't I? Yeah.

You shot straight over the barrier.

That's because the ice wasn't big enough.

We were quite big on winter sports for a while, weren't we?

Do you remember the dry ski slope?

Yeah. What was his name?

Fritz.

Do you know he told me he was a contender for the Austrian Olympic team?

He told me Fritz.

He came from Dagenham.

Richmond Park was a good day.

Yeah.

And the fair.

When we got stuck on the big whale, eh?

That wasn't me.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Sorry.

You'll never change, will you?

You'll always want all the sweeties in the sweet shop.

Well, they all look so nice in their jars, don't they?

Some with soft centres, some with hard centres.

Why did you look at me when you said hard centre?

Because you never let me in for a coffee, that's why.

No, I didn't.

And now you'll never know what kind of coffee I make.

There is another way of looking at this.

What would that be?

Well, in this mood of auld lang syne, we could say blow it.

What harm could one cup of coffee do?

Nah, I thought you'd say that.

Settle for a drink at Elmo's?

We'd only go over the same ground again.

With Elmo ear -wigging? Of course.

You're probably right.

I'll see you tomorrow, Sandra.

Good night, Jackal.

Here, I'll try these.

No, go on. No, thanks.

No, go on, you'll enjoy this. I don't even smoke.

No, come on. Come on, Mr Wilson.

You have to keep doing that. Well, I've got to get from A to B, haven't I?

Yes, but not via C every time.

All right, would you get those glasses?

Please. Please?

Certainly.

And what are you looking so petulant about?

Your dress.

What about it?

Well, it's not very bar -persony, is it?

Now, look here. You asked me to wear something attractive, and I have.

It doesn't show very much of you, does it?

Oh, I see, and that's your criterion, is it?

Perhaps you'd like me to perch on a stool in a top hat and silk stockings

sing Falling in Love again.

Would you?

Would you do that?

Oh, that'd be great. I'd love that.

Don't be absurd.

Look here, I'm supposed to be the boss here. What I say is supposed to go.

I'll go if you don't behave yourself.

And wipe that table. All right, all right.

Point a bit of love.

I'm not your love. And say please.

Sorry.

Please.

Very well. Straight glass or handle?

Straight.

Please.

Nice reading the last evening, isn't it?

Yes, it certainly is.

After a... Sorry.

There we are, sir.

Thank you very much indeed.

Keep the change.

Oh, thank you.

Not at all.

Good evening, sir.

I've got to hand it to you, Leslie.

I never thought you had it in you. You're not always right about me.

I saw you, David.

I've got her.

No, you haven't. And go put another barrel of bitter on.

I've only just come up from the cellar.

Well, you'll just have to go back down again, won't you?

Oh, she's all... I

was just going to ask for a bottle of lager. I know, you always did.

Mind you, it's easier to drink with a top on.

That'll be 58 pence, please.

There you are. Thanks very much. And have one yourself.

Thank you.

Cut the most purries, please.

Oh, and I'm one of the favoured ones, am I?

No, you're just the first to ask.

I never thought you had it in you.

You've already said that.

It's because I dared you, innit?

You're very sure of yourself.

Well, I know you, Ledley.

You could never resist a challenge. In fact, I think that's why I went out with

you in the first place.

It seems like a long time ago now.

Centuries.

Excuse me.

Yes, sir. May I have another pint of bitter, please? Certainly.

Thank you very much.

Oi, Elmo, get some large scotch.

Have you ever heard the word please?

No.

Well, it's spelt P -L -E -A

-S -E.

Oh. I'll spell it.

N...

Just having a laugh.

He's a bouncer in a nightclub, you know.

He's a lamb.

He's a very violent lamb at two o 'clock in the morning when he's kicking the

drunks out.

Well, the way I see it is this.

I may not like working in a dump like this, but as long as I'm going to, I

intend to do my best to civilise it.

You should have been one of those Victorian ladies.

You know, the ones that used to swan up the Limpopo with nothing but a parasol

and a prayer.

It's not some sort of fate I'm supposed to rise to. No.

I'm just complimenting you on your spirit, Leslie.

Something you've never lacked.

You've been fairly spirited too in your time.

What do you mean in my time?

This is my time.

Time for what?

Time for a curry and a ponder, Leslie.

I'll see you.

Say what you like.

Films, television, radio.

None of it's a substitute for the fulfilling interchange of a good

What?

Conversation. Whose?

Ours. The one we're not having.

What's the matter with you?

That's rich. What's the matter with me?

If I'd have known you was going to be this entertaining, I'd have gotten with

something really rib -tickling, like my income tax return.

I've been thinking.

I know.

I heard the cogs going round.

Well, are you prepared to reveal your profound and world -shaking conclusions

me, then I can pass them on to mankind?

I haven't got a conclusion, but I have got a question.

All right. Why did you support Charlton Athletic?

Because they're the finest football team in the country, not to say the world.

I didn't say, why do you? I said, why did you?

Because they're the finest football team in the country, not to say the world.

You're a waste of time.

What's your sense?

What are you on about?

All right.

Why does a bloke decide to support one football team?

I mean, he visits lots of grounds when he's a lad. Why does he pick one team

stick with that team for the rest of his life?

You don't want me to say in Charlton's case because they're the finest... No,

no, no.

Well, it's hard to say.

The colours they wear.

What sort of ground it is, players.

It's just something special that you can't define.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Mind you, in Charlton's case, I think it was the meat pies at half -time that

pledged it.

What about you?

I think it was the girl that sold the meat pie.

The players would be flattered to hear us talking, wouldn't they?

Yeah.

But when was your actual moment of knowing?

Some half -time, presumably.

All right.

Given that moment, how are you sure that you'd never change your allegiance?

Well, you don't know that.

It was all a matter of faith, really.

Some people change their minds.

I know.

I had an uncle who went over to Millwall, but he was never happy with

What protection have you got?

Against what?

Against changing your mind.

What, in the case of leaving Charlton to support anybody else?

Just sanity, obviously.

So you do change your mind.

So you do.

You're thinking of going over a QPR, aren't you?

Jacko. Yeah?

What are we talking about?

Decisions, I suppose.

Probably the biggest decision of your life.

And I've made it.

What? Where are you going?

To propose marriage.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.

You love nature.

You love nature.

I should tell you.

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