Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

If she keeps jumping off the potty, hold her on till

she does it.

Nobody ever writes to us, do they? They only... typed to us on brown envelopes

marked Inland Revenue or British Telecom.

When was the last time we had a letter in somebody's own handwriting simply

asking about our well -being?

Yesterday, from your mum and dad.

Oh, yeah.

Are there many bills, then?

As soon as we get Susie Pockytrain, she's going out to work.

Oh, no.

There's one for Jacko from New Zealand.

What does?

Mean? Well, it's probably from Celia. Well, why should that fact warrant a...

Oh, she fancied Jack O 'Light man, didn't she?

Did she?

And now she's written to him.

Yeah. I wonder what's the problem.

Well, I should open it and find out if I'm you.

Well, you two find my private life fascinating, don't you?

Can't kid yourself.

Yes, it is that it happens.

What did she say?

It said, Dear Jacko, I think your sister Jean and her husband Eric are two of

the nosiest people I've ever met.

Can I help you, Eric?

Look, Jean is intensely inquisitive, so just tell her what's in it, would you?

Oh, all right.

Oh, blimey!

What? She's getting married.

Oh. Yeah, that's a bit sudden, isn't it? She's only been away a few months.

Well, perhaps she was a mail -order bride and didn't let you know.

There's nothing odd about it. You can fall in love in two shakes of a lamb's

tail. New Zealand lamb, presumably, eh?

She's a bit young, though, isn't she? No.

Normal people grow up, fall in love, get married and settle down.

Normal people. Here we go again.

Right, I'm off to work.

Ta -ra, kids.

I think you two incredibly normal people should know one of your kids is

wandering around with a potty on her head.

Bloody fool.

They know who they're writing to.

If it's got your name on the envelope, yes.

Some training management call.

So what's the bloody fool?

I'm already a manager.

I own the whole business.

I don't think they meant you, Lionel.

Who do they mean then?

Somebody that you want trained.

You do feel intent to expand the business one day, don't you?

Of course I do.

I'm limitless.

Well, when you do, you'd want more than just Sandra and you in the office.

You'd need somebody to take some of the weight off your shoulders.

You'd need a manager under you.

Yeah.

Because then I'd be directorial, wouldn't I?

Very. I'll tell you what I've always wanted.

A big office on top of the building with tinted bulletproof glass and lots of

closed -circuit television cameras so I can keep an eye on everybody.

Why bulletproof glass?

Well, people get envious, don't they?

Like a big chair with lion's heads on the arms.

And a big block of stone from Scotland underneath it.

Why? Never mind.

I'll tell you something, Veronica.

I wouldn't half be hard to get in to see.

I shouldn't be in the clue remote, Lionel. No, no, no. I just want to keep

riffraff out.

I know.

I could have a private lift.

And I could issue only my top customers, you know, the bigwig, with a plastic

card that would electronically get them into the lift.

You'd have a special card, of course.

A pink one.

With Veronica written on it. Veronica.

Then what, I'd like... No, I don't want to be a wet blanket, but at the moment

all we're talking about is selecting somebody to go on a trainee management

course. Oh, yeah.

I've got the very man for it, of course.

Who? Arthur Chamberlain.

He's 64 years old.

Good bloke, though. Good painter.

But he'll have retired before you're expanded.

Oh, yeah. No, he'll be a younger man.

Well, there's always Eric.

He's a steady sort of character.

Yeah, in a boring sort of way.

He always sends us a Christmas card.

From Eric and family, it says.

Mind you, I think she writes it, cos it's not his handwriting.

Yeah, he's a nice enough lad, but is he potential management material?

I think of him more as a sort of cuddly toy.

I don't. No, you need somebody with a bit of go about them.

Jacko's the one.

Jacko? Yeah.

He's bright and he's imaginative.

Yeah. Well, what does he imagine?

Quite normal for a young man, Lionel. It wasn't normal for me. I saw you and

that was my lot.

I think I know the way you mean that.

Anyway, he's too full of himself. He's always contradicting me.

You wouldn't want a sycophant in charge of your workforce, would you?

No.

Of course I wouldn't. I know Jacko seems a bit feckless sometimes, but I'm sure

if he was given responsibility, he'd surprise you.

Well, I must admit, he's got head on his shoulders. Just once or twice recently,

he's acted as intelligently as I might do.

There's no greater recommendation than that.

No. I suppose not.

All right, Veronica.

I will take your advice.

I will send him on the course.

I do have my reservations, but there you are.

Perhaps I'm too close to things.

You've always seen him from a distance.

Aha! It's annihilation time, Stevie.

How many more points do I need to shoot into the lead?

Um, 960.

Right, I'm going to put my special swerve on this one.

Oh, shit!

It's not the cue, Elmo.

Hello, Steve.

Hello, mate.

Who are you playing, Engelbert Humperdinck?

Terrific, innit? I paid a lot of money for this, with a wife's money.

I thought she'd left you. Well, she has, but before she went, I half -inched her

money out of her Dutch clog on the mantelpiece.

And how did you explain that, then? I told her the dog had it.

And I had enough left over to kick myself out with some new aftershave. Get

whiff of that.

Gosh, dear Lord.

What's that called?

Gaucho.

I thought it had something to do with cattle.

I thought it had something to do with the drains when I come in.

Do you mind?

I paid 95p a bottle for this stuff.

How big's the bottle?

As big as that.

This is the new me, this is. I shall be fighting them off soon.

Blue bottles?

Women!

Well, before they all come stampeding through the bar, Elmo, can I have a

of lager? Oh, all right.

You know,

they never believed me in Canada when I told them about Elmo.

You're glad to be back this side of the water, aren't you? Oh, yeah.

Mind you, things have changed in six years.

The only job I can get is up in Leicester.

I'm moving the family up there, Friday week.

God, Steve, you've only just got here.

Here, this is with me.

You're not still celebrating Rose leaving you, are you? Course I am. How

you intend to keep that up?

Years.

Well, if you will have hundreds of kids, Steve, I suppose you've got to feed

them. Yeah.

Do you know, I thought you might have been married by now.

Did you really?

No. Six years later and you haven't changed a bit.

It's not a compliment.

You're stuck, aren't you?

Like a fly in amber.

I'll resent that.

You're a dinosaur.

Got very big suddenly, didn't I?

Oh, go on, laugh.

Well, I ain't going to burst into tears. I'm happy as I am. Yeah?

But for how long?

Steve, this new job you're going for, you don't walk around with a big bald on

saying the end of the world is nigh, do you?

Look, Jacko, I'm your mate, aren't I? I just want to see you happy and settled

down, that's all.

You can't be one without the other.

And kids, you know.

I mean, they make such a difference to your life.

Oh, I noticed that the other week.

You and Carol going aimer and tongs at Eric and Jean.

That was about kids, wasn't it?

The salt and pepper of life's meal, that's all.

Go on, you called me a dinosaur.

You're the one who's talking like you're 200 million years old.

Yeah, maybe.

Listen, we must all have a drink before I go.

Nice cup of Horlicks.

No, double Ribenas.

What about tomorrow?

Oh, I can't tomorrow.

I'm going on a trainee management course.

Well, what's funny about that?

Well, I'm hardly bowler hat and pinstripe trousers material, am I? A

I'd call it.

Thought you might.

But you can't avoid responsibility forever.

Well, before you know it, you'll be 65 and still knocking about with Wendy,

Tinkerbell and that crowd.

Look, got to go. All right. Don't forget to collect your pension.

You're no spring chicken anymore.

And get your bus pass while you're at it. What?

What did he do, eh, mate?

It's not possible to have a private conversation in here, is it? No.

Well, since you're asking, Elmo, he's a very bright bloke. It's just that the

shine's gone off his cricket ball.

Funny you should say that, because I am just about to open the bowling for the

bachelor. The group?

No!

Blokes like you and me.

Young, single and dangerous.

Now I've got rid of that... creature upstairs, you better watch out for some

competition, because from now on, I am going to be filling my life with

crumpets. Which explains the Englebert Humperdinck look. Exactly, and that is

not all.

This morning, I bought something that's going to drive them wild when I get them

upstairs.

I'm not sure I should ask this.

What is it? It's a cocktail cabinet.

A what?

Yes, a special one.

Well, what does it do? Lock the door behind them once you've got them in the

room? Don't be vulgar.

No, it's very sophisticated.

It's got glass doors with zebras painted on, with pink plastic handles in the

shape of flamingos, and when you open it, it plays Lara's theme from Dr

Zhivago.

That's mind -boggling. Oh, no!

Well, just as well I'm going away for a few days.

I don't think I could stand up to that sort of competition.

Well, I don't know.

Might be some crumpet on this course you're going on.

Yeah, but I haven't got a cocktail cabinet.

Yes, Lionel.

Yes, Lionel. No, Lionel. Very good, Lionel. Yes, Lionel. God, blimey. Anyone

would think I was going to present me credentials to the British ambassador in

Washington. You look nice in a tie.

You look quite respectable.

I feel like I've got a boa constrictor round me neck.

Well, you'll have to get used to it if you're going to come back as a fully

qualified filing clerk.

You mind your P's and Q's. It's a management course.

Oh, yes?

And what are you going to manage?

You, for a start.

That will be the day.

Yes, it will.

And you'd better know in advance, I'm not an easy executive to please.

There'll be a lot of that.

Staying behind after hours and attending to my every whim.

Not these days.

Try that on and I'll have you in the news of the world before you can say

Robinson. Of course they do say that women find power irresistible, you know.

Well, I'm all right then because you haven't got any. Oh, ha, ha.

You wait till I'm up there next to Lionel in his bulletproof office.

Be no good you crawling to me then, I shall be knee -deep in secretaries.

Don't you think you'd better see how this court turns out before you make all

these arrangements?

I suppose so, yeah.

Right, then. Here's all your bits and pieces.

Railway ticket, prospectus, timetable. Thank you, Miss Moneypenny.

You'll be careful, won't you, James?

Yes. Do you think I should nip in and see Q and get issued with a travelling

companion?

If you don't get going, M will tear out of his office and put you back in

dungarees. Ta -ra.

Good luck.

Jacko, just tell me, why did you agree to go on this course?

Something to do, isn't it?

Push off.

Good morning, Sandra.

Good morning, Sandra.

What are you doing here?

I was saying good morning, Sandra.

Well, you're supposed to be on a call.

Ah. Now, there's a way of putting this.

What way?

I've been slung off.

Well, you only went yesterday.

Yeah, I know.

Seems longer, doesn't it?

What did you do?

Oh, that's nice, doesn't it?

You instantly assume that I'm the guilty party.

Well, as you got slung off, it does seem a reasonable assumption.

You know, my mind flies back to the old Draper's case.

Now, there was a bloke who was totally innocent. What did you do?

There was a misunderstanding.

What was her name?

See, there you go again, making assumptions.

I don't know what it is about me, Sandra.

I'm just an ordinary, inconspicuous bloke.

What was her name?

Miss Rathbone.

I see.

No, you don't see.

She lost her contact lens and couldn't copy down her work in the classroom.

So, in a spirit of... Letchery?

A Belgian once fellow student, I offered to help her with her own work.

When? In the evening.

What time?

Half past eleven.

In her room, presumably.

Only because the lights were turned out downstairs.

Anyway, I was making my way to Amy and Miss Rathbone's room when I saw the

principal coming.

Oh, Jackal.

And I thought discretion was the better part of valour, so before he clapped his

eyes on me, I popped out the window, not realising I was on the third floor.

Morning, Sandra.

Morning, Mr Bainbridge.

Morning, Lionel. Morning, Jacko. Sandra, I wonder... What you doing here?

Ah. Now, how can I put this?

Convincingly.

I've been expelled.

In here.

Upside down?

From an ivy?

I've got my foot caught.

Plus frightening the life out of the headmaster's wife?

He wasn't the headmaster, Lionel. He was the assistant training officer.

It doesn't matter who he was. You were goggling in his window.

He'd never have known I was there if he hadn't have pulled the curtains.

Well, what were your intentions then?

Were you just going to hang upside down all night like a vampire bat?

No, I was going to free my foot and then make my way quietly back inside.

But no, they had to call the fire brigade.

It wasn't just you that looked a fool being carried down that ladder, you

It was me as well.

I didn't see you there, Lionel.

Don't even attempt to make a joke out of it.

It does have its funny side.

It does bloody not.

Send the man in all good faith, give himself a chance to better himself, get

slung off the course the first night.

Of course, I don't have to ask myself what was behind it all.

I'll bet you were on some filthy nocturnal visit, weren't you?

I was invited.

Oh, that makes it all right, does it?

In my book, yeah.

I didn't muck about in class.

In my book, it was just an extramural activity.

They ought to have permanent national service for the like for you.

I'll tell you what it is in my book.

In my book, you've just done it on your own head.

You're a contortionist, aren't I?

Oh, ha -ha.

You'll be laughing on the other side of your face one day.

Not now, but in a few years' time when some woman is mad enough to marry you

you start aspiring to things, you won't be able to have them.

Why not?

Why not?

Because advancement here is debarred to you.

As long as I've got breath in my body, you'll never rise above what you are

A very basic little bird.

Now, clear off.

Yes, Ronald.

Oh, I don't suppose now's a good time to ask for a ride. Get out!

What was it like hanging upside down from the ivy?

Surreal, Eric.

Did your life flash in front of you?

No, that's drowning, isn't it?

Well, normally, yeah, but it could pertain to hanging upside down as well,

couldn't it?

I suppose so. The only thing that flashed before my eyes were my credit

they fell out of me top pocket.

He's a laugh, isn't he, Jean?

It's like having Charlie Chaplin in the family.

I think it's ridiculous.

Don't mouth what's the matter with her behind my back.

Have you got eyes in the back of your head, Jean?

I don't need them with you. You're so predictable.

Has something upset you? Yes, it has. You.

What have I done?

Laughed at him.

Well, the incident is not without humour, is it? Well, it is to anyone

brain in their head.

Well, I think it's funny.

Exactly.

What have you ever got me for?

Because it's your fault.

What is?

Don't you understand?

Eric would have given his eye teeth to have got on a course like that.

Would I?

Well, I would, so it's the same thing.

Sorry, Eric, I didn't know.

Neither did I.

idea the price for children's shoes?

What's children's shoes got to do with it? Because Eric has to buy them, and

that's nothing. There's the mortgage, there's food, there's clothing.

I don't mind.

You do!

That course would have been a leg up in life for us, and all it turned out to be

was a leg over for you.

Nothing happened. I climbed out the window.

You know what I mean.

Eric should have been on that course.

I wasn't. Ah.

I didn't exactly push myself forward. Lionel told me to.

Well, then you should have had the decency to say no and suggest Eric.

He wouldn't have got kicked out.

He might have.

Don't be silly.

I've got a wild side, you know.

No, you haven't. I have. You haven't.

Oh, don't you two start rowing.

It's for dinner, Jean.

As far as you're concerned, air pie and wind pudding.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

That's me sister talking to me, that is.

All right, I've no alternative but to repair down to the local hostelry.

I might pop down for one later.

Mind you, I probably won't.

Veronica, how are you?

What's the matter? Your oven packed up.

Hello, how are you?

Me? I'm right as rain. Couldn't be better. See you.

Just a minute.

Did I hear you say right as rain couldn't be better?

Yeah. And that's how you really feel, is it?

Well, I did, but I must admit to a lowering of spirits now that your

lines aren't working.

Don't you feel any remorse or guilt about being slung off that course?

Oh, not you as well, Veronica.

I've had nothing but heavy moral gunfire ever since it happened.

I've got more right than most.

I'm the fool who talked Lionel into choosing you.

That was very nice of you. No, it wasn't. It was stupid.

Sorry.

Look, if I'd have known you'd have, well, sort of sponsored me, I'd have...

You'd have what?

Well, I'd have took it a bit more seriously.

Couldn't you have taken it a bit more seriously for your own sake?

Look, why is everybody suddenly trying to change me?

You used to like me the way I am.

Jacko, I didn't suggest you because of anything that we... Well, because of

anything. I suggested you because I really thought you had it in you.

Chicken vindaloo and a lamb korma, please.

Bottle of lager, old man.

You never change, do you, Jacko? It's always a bottle of lager. And why do you

want me to change?

Come on, let's have your full penny worth.

What do you want me to do, then? All right, mate, don't get shirty. I mean,

slippers. Oh, shut up.

I'll tell you what, then. You come and sit down over here. I'll get your beer

for you.

You all right there?

There you go.

I'm sorry, Elmo.

I'm just getting it from all sides today, that's all.

Ah, that's all right. You know who I blame, don't you?

No, who?

That tarts revolutionary party or whatever they call themselves.

What are you talking about?

Look, if that lot hadn't have put ideas into women's heads, they wouldn't have

gone up your nose and you wouldn't have come round here having goes at me.

Pitting bloke against bloke, that's what they're doing.

Why do you think all my problems are always caused by women?

Because there always are.

Well, not this time. I'm having trouble with blokes as well. Oh, yeah?

Not absolute trouble.

Everywhere I go, it's as if it's a conspiracy.

Grow up, Jacko. Settle down, Jacko. Get married, Jacko.

Be serious, Jacko.

I've had it about up to here.

I'm glad you confided in me, mate.

Now, listen to me.

Here's what you do.

What? Tell her to shut up.

Yeah? Well, that's it.

Thank you, Elmo.

That's all right.

It is football on a telly tonight. You watching?

Nah. Nah, I meant to be going out with Sandra tonight.

Mind you, to be honest, I wish I weren't.

Well, go out with him, then.

Sandra, come here.

Now, I didn't mean it like that.

I should hope not.

I'm just a bit umpty, that's all.

A bit?

All right, all right, very umpty.

Come on, come on. What do you want to drink?

I'll have a lager.

A bottle of lager, Elmo.

I wouldn't have apologised. I'd have given her a click round the kiss.

Is he going to a fancy dress party?

No, he's trying for the Englebert Humperdinck -looking carpet slippers.

You are?

Yeah.

Thanks, Engle.

Right, Mr Sunshine, what's wrong with you?

Well, put it this way. If you had a racehorse, would you put it between the

shaft of a tottered car?

Are you the racehorse? Yeah.

You won't die for a modesty, will you?

Just an example.

I'm just not the sort of bloke to plod through life, that's all.

Who wants you to?

Oh, everyone. They want me instantly matured, as if I've just been poured out

an oak cart.

Well, it wouldn't hurt, would it?

You're as bad as the rest.

What's bad about developing as a person?

Sandra, has it ever occurred to you that I might be sufficiently developed

already? No, you're not.

You just don't understand what everybody means.

I understand and I reject it. Oh, suit yourself.

I will.

Where shall we go tonight, then?

I don't know.

To be quite honest, Sandra, I've been wondering whether... Well, whether it

might be better to give it all a rest.

I see.

Why's that?

Well, you just agree with the rest of them.

Except you've got a vested interest.

Oh? And what would that be?

Well, they're all trying to reform me, and you want to reform me and marry me.

You big head!

Well, that got a shot of her, didn't it?

Shut up, Elmo.

Oh, well, here we go.

Yeah, you won't start supporting Leicester City, will you?

Well, they did produce Gary Lineker.

Yeah. And Gordon Banks.

And Peter Shelton.

When I come up and see you, we might go and watch them then.

Good idea.

Steve!

I thought I was going to miss you.

You look awful.

Oh, ta.

Why weren't you at work this morning? I had a couple of ties with you last

night.

Right, ta -ra then.

Bye -bye. Ta -ra, kids. Ta -ra. Have a safe journey. Hey, Steve.

Don't start supporting Leicester City, will you?

We've done that one.

One last word.

What? If you've got any sense at all, you'll marry that Sandra.

Keep your bowels open, lads.

Tell her.

What does he mean, marry Sandra?

Hard to tell.

It's a very ambiguous statement.

I'll tell you one thing, though.

What? You're going to have to make your mind up pretty quickly.

Now, why is that?

Because she ended in a notice this morning.

Because of you these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.