Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, yeah.

Want to come in for a coffee?

Do I get slung out afterwards?

Look, Sandra, why keep up this pretense? You know you'd like me to stay.

Yeah, I will.

Oh, right then. But you can't.

Why not?

Because we both know where it would end.

In a very warm, snuggly place.

You're a fly -by -night jackal. Give you a week or two and you'll get scared.

I know this is going to come as a blow to you, but I'm not scared of you.

Not of me.

You're scared of commitment.

What, being put in an asylum?

Oh, Sandra, what does it take to make you crumble?

A proposal of marriage?

The knowledge that I wouldn't be just another notch on your gun.

Don't be vulgar.

I'm not convinced at all.

All these people going down the road of life.

I mean, they're like lemmings. Only they don't know where the road leads.

It leads to the edge of the cliff and they go hurtling over.

Well, I'm not going to go hurtling over with them, Sandra. That's all.

You... got a problem.

You should see someone.

I am. I'm seeing you.

Only you won't solve me problem.

Oh, get off home.

Look, Sandra, if I was to kick your milk bottles over in frustration, it'd be

your fault.

They're not mine. They're the girl's downstairs.

What's she like?

Doesn't Sandra ever cook you supper?

I can't get in her flat, let alone get any food.

Still keeping you at arm's length, is she? I don't see that that's any of your

business. She is.

Look, I'm not Superman. I've been kept at arm's length before.

Well, I know, and usually when that happens, you don't hang around for very

long. Do you think we can talk about something other than Sandra?

Suit yourself.

Where did you and Sandra go to tonight, then? God, blimey, they're coming at me

in relays.

What's the matter with you?

I just don't want my private life dissected at your table, that's all.

Sandra still isn't cooking him supper.

Isn't she?

But he's still seeing her.

Oh, I find that quite significant, quite meaningful.

I said I didn't want to talk about Sandra.

Well, you aren't. We are.

And it's our house. So we'll talk about what we like.

And that's another thing. Having kids addles your brains.

You two are behaving like a couple of three -year -olds. It's often occurred

me that Sandra would make a very good mother.

Yes, she would.

Any developments in that direction?

Has she seen a lot of anybody in particular these days?

No, I've never seen this bloke.

But he sounds a bit immature, if you ask me.

Did he not ever tell you about that red -headed usherette Eric went out with

before he met you?

I told him himself.

No, you didn't.

Oh, and then, of course, it's only fair to mention Jean's episode with that

bloke on the dodgems. What episode?

I was doing free time.

Why is he calling it an episode? I bet she works at the Odeon.

Why? Because you'd never take me to the O .G. and you always found some excuse

not to.

Me again.

I don't know what you're smiling at. You've just been cut out of my will, you

have.

34 times you saw Jungle Book because of that usherette.

She sneaked me a raspberry ripple off the ice cream girl once.

Very sordid, your past, isn't it, Eric?

It's Gloria.

Sorry to come round so late, Jean.

I just had to talk to somebody.

Yeah, well, that's all right. See yourself down.

What's up, Gloria?

I've been wronged.

You?

Yes.

Reggie's left me.

What, really left you?

Yes.

He's gone off to Elfracombe.

Well, why Elfracombe?

rubbish about becoming a lobster fisherman.

I know he's your brother, Jean.

And yours, Jacko.

And I know he's your... What did he be?

Brother -in -law.

But I have to say, he acted like an animal and a lunatic.

Did you have a row?

Well, it does seem likely, doesn't it?

More of a tirade.

Ranting, he was.

I thought he was going to hit me.

Look, I know he's a bit of a hothead, Gloria, but he only hits the blow. And

should have seen his knuckles. They all went white. And his vein kept throbbing

on his temple.

Well, Charlie complained last night.

Jacko. Sorry. And the language.

I haven't heard language like that since I went out with that fever doll.

Why was he in such a state?

Well, he came home early.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it is out.

It's difficult to think of anything to say.

So much for sympathy for a woman wronged.

Wronged? Yes.

You wouldn't understand, Jacko. You're not married.

Well, neither are you now, by the looks of things.

Men can be very hard, can't they, Jean? Yes, and thoughtless. Coming home like

that without telling you.

Catching you in flagrante delicto. It's French.

No, it's Latin. For at it.

Poor old Reg.

Not me.

I've had my bases taken away.

I need a man.

Already?

Reg, I mean.

I'll phone him for us, Jacko, please.

Go on, please.

Hey, go on. Well, who am I going to phone?

The Ophrah Coombe home for stunned husbands?

No.

I know where he'll be.

I've got the address here somewhere.

Here it is.

The lobster pot in.

Oh, go on, Jacko, please. Oh, all right, all right, all right.

He is my brother. I would like to know how he is.

He's run by this bloke called Nicky Mason.

Very broad shoulders, lovely blue eyes, and this lovely look in his voice when

he's posed.

Have you ever had any trouble like this, Jane? No, I haven't. Oh.

Hello? Is that the lodger pot in?

Could I speak to... Nicky Mason.

Nicky Mason, please.

Oh, hello. Look, this is Reg's brother.

Is Reg there?

Oh, great.

Yeah, thanks.

Lovely look to his voice.

He's got a lisp.

Oh, hang on, it wasn't him. It was that bloke on the petalo.

Hello, Reg.

It's Jacko, yeah.

How are you? How is he?

He says he's drunk.

Oh, come on.

Don't blame him.

Anyway, no, Reg, we know Gloria's here now.

Tell her to what?

What? Never mind.

The thing is, Reg, do you want to say anything about all this?

No, I'm not repeating that, Reg.

Tell him Gloria is very contrite.

Right.

Gloria's very contrite.

That was Eric.

Your sister's husband.

He said, did you ever buy that faultier he told you about?

That wasn't me.

Wasn't him.

He said it was.

No, no, just tell him I didn't. No, he didn't.

He says you missed out, Ed. It was only 72 ,000 miles on the clock. Ed, do you

mind? I was supposed to be reconciling.

Yeah, all right.

All right, now, get back to Gloria, Reg.

Look, don't shout like that. You'd get slung out the pub.

Now, we all know Gloria's a bit... Man, man.

Sensitive. Hot -blooded.

Extrovert, but... But one mistake.

How many?

No, she didn't say anything about the window cleaner, Reg.

No,

she didn't say anything about the jockey either.

Wonderful, isn't it? How those tiny little arms can control those great big

horses. Yeah, all right, Reg. Several mistakes.

But can you see a road forward from here?

Eh?

Oh. Oh, all right, mate.

Yeah, I'd get your head down if I were you.

OK, you two.

Ta -da.

What did he say?

He said he's just had a fight with that bloke who runs the pedlo.

You made a beautiful job of Leslie's flat, Jacko.

Thank you, Mrs Bainbridge.

You made a lovely job of getting dressed this morning.

What did you say?

Oh, don't cramp his style, Lionel. He's only being complimentary.

What about me?

You look lovely too, Lionel.

I meant puddin', Ed.

that I complimented Veronica this morning before you did.

I feel humiliated now.

So you should be.

Because you just have been.

What was it I liked in that dress too, darling?

A coloured awning, Lionel.

Yeah.

That's it.

Lionel, why are you so agitated?

It's because of Leslie's bio.

What did you say?

B -E -A -U.

Yo.

This bloke has taken us out to lunch. Oh, yeah. What about him? Exactly. What

about him? All we know is that his name is Giles.

Do you know anything about him?

I like his cartoons.

Is he a cartoonist?

Yeah. I'm not sure whether I like that.

Oh, he's ever so good.

He's been going for years.

Oh, my gosh. You're not going out with another old bloke. Now, don't panic.

It's a genuine misunderstanding on Jacko's part, of course, but the jars

taken us out to lunch isn't the jars he was talking about.

Then why do you say it was?

Oh, I don't think before I speak sometimes, Lionel. No.

You don't.

Because if you did... Yeah?

You would.

You just remember that.

Till the end of time, Lionel.

I'm ready.

Oh, you look divine, Angel.

You stepped out of a dream, Leslie.

You're flat.

Oh. You haven't told us very much about this Giles, Leslie.

He's out of this world.

You mean you're going round with a ghost?

I mean Giles is something else. Well, I'm pleased to hear he's out of this

and something else, but what does he do?

He's in the army, cavalry, Royal Scots Grey.

Oh, my God, he's not a jock, is he?

He comes from Hampshire.

His family's had an estate there for centuries.

What's he like personally?

Tall, well -bred and rich, Mummy.

Oh, sounds like a very nice person.

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, lime he is tall. I'm looking upwards of his knee.

Giles. Hello, pumpkin.

Daddy, this is Giles. Hello, Giles.

Mum.

Hello, sir.

You're an officer.

You've got pips.

Yes. Three of the little beggars on each shoulder.

I feel like a concertina sometimes.

You know.

That's a very good joke, that is.

Well, one likes a laugh and a laugh about, doesn't one? Oh, one does.

As a matter of fact, I quite often have the whole mess in stitches.

I can imagine that.

Here's a good one.

The other evening, several of us were planning to abseil down the clock tower

the stables when the adjutant had the most fearful attack of wind. Giles, I

think we ought to go now.

Sorry, Pumpkin.

If you say so.

Coat? Yes, of course.

Is this it?

Of course not. There.

Not my strong suit, I'm afraid.

Clothes. Suit? Clothes?

We've done another one.

So I have.

Giles, I'm ready to go.

Sorry, Pumpkin.

See you downstairs.

I see your painting.

That's very astute of you, sir. That's what I'm doing.

Good hair.

Permission to carry on, sir?

Yes, do, by all means.

Thank you, sir.

What a charming chap.

Be with you in a minute, children.

Listen, gutless knight.

Don't you dare take the mickey out of Giles. It's something you'll never be.

Yes, a gink.

I beg your pardon?

Well, let's face it, Lionel. Somebody who plays his own pips isn't exactly

mastermind here, is he?

He is an officer.

Yes, and a long streak of... Veronica.

Oh, what does it matter? Come on, let's not keep them waiting, eh?

Of course it matters.

Say, Giles becomes our son -in -law.

I try very hard to keep it a secret.

Did you hear what she said?

Don't involve me, Lionel. I'm just an innocent bystander. Oh, that's it. Take

her side.

Three bottles of lager, please, Elmore.

No, no, no. You can put that away. These are on me.

I feel as though I'm present at a great moment in history.

You are.

Why? Great news.

The wife's left me.

Oh, dear.

It's not oh, dear. It's hooray.

How can you say that about your own wife?

Withy, you never knew her. Go on, you tell her what she was like.

Well, Rose was what you might call an angry woman. Who knows why? Probably a

childhood trauma.

Rubbish! She was a nasty piece of work from the day she was born.

Why did you marry her, then? She got me drunk.

She used to sit up there all day in that mauve negligee of hers, slapping creams

on herself, shouting out her orders.

Angry, you see, Sandra.

Do you know, she even used to depress the dog.

Why, he would, even if her shadow fell on him. He's perked up no end since she

went. You should be ashamed talking about your wife like that.

The only thing I'm ashamed of, miss, is that I don't have the vocabulary to tell

you how horrible she really was.

Cheers, Elmo.

Cheers.

There you go.

Another long -term relationship up the spout.

Are you getting at me?

No, just an observation of life.

And anyway, what do you mean, another?

Well, there's my brother and his wife. He's gone off to be a lobster fisherman.

Why? Oh, just a little disagreement over double glazing.

Then, of course, there's Lionel and Veronica.

But I thought they were having a sort of second honeymoon.

No, but I don't give that very long.

Not now that they're arguing over Leslie all over again.

No, it's change and decay in all around, I see.

Have you gone religious?

Just another observation, Sandra.

that divided we stand, united we fall.

That's just your excuse for running a mile if a woman so much talks about next

week, let alone next month or next year.

Fascinating. What is?

You two.

All of a sudden you seem very preoccupied with the old Adam and Eve

find it very fascinating.

That's because you... I touched a nerve there, Sandra.

Jacko's right.

Mind your own business.

Oh, that's very companionable, that is.

Three mates out for a lunchtime drink and only two of them are allowed to

That's because the third mate knows.

Steve! How are you?

Jacko! Nice to see you. Good to see you.

Steve, I haven't seen you for centuries. Eric, oh, this is great.

Yeah, I thought you was in Canada.

I am, yeah, yeah. What you're looking at is a hologram of myself.

Can I get your drink?

No, no. Elmo!

Half a bitter, please.

Hello. Steve, I haven't seen you for ages. Where have you been drinking?

Canada. What was he doing in Canada?

He was in the Mounties, weren't you?

I still am.

I'm over here on a case.

Blimey! We're looking for a renegade lumberjack called Frenchy Ledoux.

Where is he, then?

Somewhere in Streatham.

Well, why haven't you got that uniform on then, eh?

That would be a bit conspicuous, wouldn't it?

Walking down Stratomire Road with a red coat and a big hat on. Come on, Elmo.

Well,

incidentally, that is on me.

Well, thank you, Elmo.

He's had a bit of good news.

Yeah, Steve, we'll introduce you to Sandra.

Is she, um... Oh, no, no, no, no. Sandra, this is Steve.

Great old mate of ours.

Hello, Steve.

Nice to meet you, Sandra. Yeah, we did used to have some good old times, didn't

we, eh? Yeah, we did, eh? The old football. The old snooker. The old girl.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, what are you doing back here?

Well, I mean, I like Canada, but I missed the wide -open spaces of Motspur

so we came home.

We? Yeah, yeah, me and Carol.

Married man now.

Oh, I didn't have you down for that.

Yeah, three kids.

How many? I've got two.

You haven't. Yeah, two girls. You? Two boys, one girl.

Oh, you both look so proud.

Don't they look proud, Jackal?

Yeah. I'll tell you who I saw last... I've got a terrible case of nappy rash

the moment, Eric. Oh, dear, have you? I've had some of that.

What are you both taking for it, eh?

It's no joking matter.

You want to see their poor little red buns?

No, I don't. Did you have colic? We thought it was.

Turned out to be wind.

How interesting.

I think it's wonderful.

Young fathers involved with their kids.

Yeah, you got any photos, Steve?

Of course, yeah.

So have I.

Here, look.

That's James.

James with David. Couple of little tearaways there.

My little Kaiser.

There's my two.

Susie and Katie.

Bye,

Pumpkin. Don't forget you're phoning me tonight.

Righty -ho.

May I be of some assistance?

Oh, I'll be asked a great thing.

I've been here for hours.

Not literally, I hope. Seems like it.

Aren't you tall?

I suppose I must be.

How are you going to do it?

Pardon?

My heel.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to grab your ankle.

Oh.

Well, all right.

But be circumspect, because until recently I was a happily married woman.

Yes, of course.

Oh!

Well, you should have let me row.

You should have volunteered.

I just have.

Oh, look.

Oh, my God, it's a wagon train on its way to work.

Where are you going?

I thought we'd go and have a look at the aviary. Oh, no, let's say hello to

them. And then what?

Pass the time of day.

You can't pass the time of day when it's parents with their kids.

You get swept along in a torrent of it.

Cutting teeth, learning to walk.

Who's been sick.

Funny little things they say, like, who's done number twos all by himself,

Oh, me.

I've seen you with Eric's kids. You love them. Well, of course I do, but not...

but not when I'm out with you, Sandra.

Uncle Jacko!

Hello. How are you? Hello, darling.

Oh, yes, we'd love to come to dinner on Saturday.

Well, I want to.

Well, go on your own, then.

Oh, all right, I'll come. But I warn you, with the kids in bed, they'll stick

in high chairs and feed us with plastic spoons.

He's a funny lad, then.

Well, come on, then.

I'm just looking at the wildlife.

A couple of rabbits.

Oh.

Oh, look, there's Leslie.

Kiss me.

What about it?

Good musical, wasn't it?

You pig!

Leslie! Hello!

You two know each other, then?

You pig!

Excuse me, pumpkin.

Look, Leslie...

I feel I owe you an explanation.

There isn't one.

Oh, but there is.

Gloria.

Her?

She's a wonderful girl.

Well, you go back to your wonderful girl.

But don't expect to see me again.

I hadn't actually anticipated doing so.

Well, I hope you realize what you're missing.

That's just the thing.

I didn't.

Until I met Gloria.

You pig!

Dorothy! Dorothy!

Nedley, Giles, split up.

It's terrible.

He was perfect for her.

No, Lionel, he was perfect for you.

What do you mean?

Rich, classy and stupid.

He can't be classy and stupid.

We had lunch with him, remember?

The only thing at that table that had less brains than Giles was my bit of

turbot.

Oh, but did you see the way he handled his asparagus?

And that qualifies him as a potential husband, does it?

It's upper stratosphere.

Surely that's what we want for our daughter, Veronica, isn't it? What

What I like most for Leslie is that she should marry somebody she loves.

She idolised Giles.

Oh, wake up, Lionel, do.

Leslie buys blokes like Giles in packs. They're disposable.

That's your daughter you're talking about.

More to the point, my daughter.

Well, that's what she's like. She's beautiful, but she's difficult.

Yeah, well, she certainly didn't get it off me.

Not the beauty, no.

You never saw me in my pram.

When my mother used to take me out for a walk... This place used to stop the old

street. Who told you that?

My mother.

Yeah, well, she was as biased about you as you are about Leslie.

Don't you start on my family. My family goes back generations.

Everybody's family goes back generations.

Not like mine. My family was known for things.

Yes, not that uncle of yours that was carted off in a straitjacket.

Uncle Cyril did not set light to that warehouse.

I don't care what anybody says.

Then why was he found with the petrol and the cotton wadding? He bought them

his cigarette lighter.

What, a gallon of wine and half a yard of the other?

He smoked a lot.

They're on about some pyromaniac uncle now.

It's none of your business.

Oh, I never cease to be amazed at the bizarre territory that the married row

explores.

And I suppose this is more evidence to support your theory that any

that lasts longer than a split second is doomed to failure.

Well, I'm not doing badly, am I? Yes, but look at your example.

There are others.

Yes, and there are my others, like Eric and Jean and Steve and Carol.

They're not misfits like your crowd.

They're normal people.

Just take a good close look at them when we go to dinner.

They're not trapped, and they're not...

Oh, for goodness sake. It was only a little pinch on the arm.

It was not a little pinch.

You could still see the mark when I put her to bed.

Quite frankly, Steve, you should have clipped him round the ear.

Hurry, we don't believe in hitting our children.

Which is why they go round pinching other people's kids.

Yeah.

Actually, James isn't a pinching sort of boy.

He was probably provoked.

Susie is a very open child.

She couldn't do anything underhand.

Oh, then what do you call keep snatching the baby's dummy away?

He was playing with her.

I've only ever seen Susie snatch once.

Well, when was this?

When Katie smacked her round the head with Mr Happy.

Oh, come on, never mind.

All kids hit. Steve!

Ours don't.

Oh, come on. They bash the living daylights out of each other. Well, if,

do, then you turn a blind eye. Yeah, you do too much of that as well.

As a matter of fact, I think of myself as a bit of a martinet.

What are you laughing at?

A martinet?

You're a jelly baby.

Oh, well, look who's talking.

When discipline's called for, you're nowhere to be found.

Which is why your kids go around pinching people.

Ow!

He pinched me.

Just trying to qualify for the conversation.

Have a good look at them when we go to dinner.

They're normal people.

They're not trapped.

They're not cynical.

They're happy and contented. Oh, dear.

Oh, I do hate people crowing.

Oh, look, Sandra.

The longer people stay together, the more ins and outs they discover about

other. And every little in and every little out can be used as ammunition.

Don't hang around for the war, that's what I say.

Enjoy the best of each other, then move on.

Are you trying to say you've enjoyed the best of me?

Course not. I keep getting the elbow on the doorstep, don't I? And I'll tell you

something. What?

You're getting the elbow on the doorstep again tonight.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.

You love nature.

You love nature.