Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, yeah.

So, that's it. The grand tour.

What do you think? Down.

Where's your lounge?

There isn't one.

Well, where do you sit every evening?

In that.

Well, just the one armchair.

There's a bed.

You could get three on that.

Veronica, please.

Well, what do you think? I think for a first flat, it'll do fine.

Daddy?

I think it's a hovel in a slum.

I chose it myself. Couldn't you have chosen something nicer?

Better? Bigger?

If I select a job, I will.

Look, that is all very well, but in the meantime... In the meantime, this will

do very nicely.

Well, I wouldn't live in it. I'm not asking you to. Oh, come on, Lionel. Our

first flat, now, that was a hobble and a slam.

But we were young. So was Leslie. And I'm fed up with all this criticism.

When I was at home, there was nothing I could do that was right. And now that

I'm showing you I can make a go of it on my own, the first thing you do is come

round here and start criticising me all over again.

Oh, do stop playing to the gallery, Leslie.

I'm not.

Your father doesn't mean to be a wet blanket.

Of course I don't.

I'm too nice for that.

Jesse's out of date.

I'm very sensitive.

So am I.

I don't like marks on wool.

At least let me get the place painted through for you, Leslie.

I'm not sure I could afford it.

They'll be throwing roses at your feet in a minute.

Well, I'm not.

You don't think I'd charge my own child, do you?

But I want the best paint. None of that discount warehouse rubbish.

Of course, of course.

Pink mosaic in the bathroom.

Naturally. White tiles in the kitchen.

Yes. And in here, I think I'll have Wedgwood paintwork.

Blue and white, no?

Wedgwood blue.

I'll bet you're glad you asked now.

This paint's a bit pongy today, Eric.

The old sense of smell, eh? Yeah, yeah. That's why I said poo.

Let's think about the old sense of smell and where we'd be without it. Or

wouldn't be.

You take the male butterfly.

Why, does he smell?

No, he doesn't smell. But he's capable of smelling the female butterfly from

over a mile away.

Doesn't the female butterfly wash under her wings?

I'm not talking about personal hygiene. I'm talking about...

Sexual invitations.

You want to be very careful, Eric.

Your hair will go curly.

Huh!

Nothing. I just saw something horrible.

What? A phantom.

What, of the opera?

No, no, of the pub.

I think it must be haunted.

What's that got to do with butterflies?

Well, it bore an uncanny resemblance to a dead, dead ointment.

It must have gone.

You're getting me at it.

What are you waving your hand about for? Eh? What are you waving your hand about

for? Well, it was a wasp.

Just because I was talking about butterflies, there's no need to claim

whole of the insect kingdom is congregating at your window. Will you

with your work, Eric?

You know how Lionel hates a slacking.

I could jam a paint pot over his head sometimes.

I said I could jam a paint pot over Lionel's head sometimes.

I think he's a rather sweet man, Miss Doyle.

Sweet?

I'll tell you what I think of Lionel. Look, I've got to cut you short there,

Eric. I will not stand here and hear our beloved employer maligned like that.

I'll see you in a tick.

Lionel!

Anybody else know him?

Go on, then.

Come in.

Close the door.

Sit down.

What, in here?

Are you serious?

Sorry, Lionel.

A cup of tea, will you?

You invited me in the windy house. I don't want it to get out.

I should hope not. Will you shut up and listen?

My Leslie's moved into a flat.

Well, I hope it's bigger than this place.

When she makes up her mind about something.

Well... Anyway, I want you to paint it.

Right.

When? Start tomorrow.

OK.

Lionel.

Why did we have to meet in a Wendy house?

Her place is a hovel.

If he got round, I'd be a laughingstock.

I can hear him now. Makes ten times as much as we do and keeps his daughter in

poverty.

He's got to stay a secret.

And you've roped me in because of our special relationship, eh?

I'll clock you one in a minute.

I can't swing your arms in here.

I roped you in because my wife, for reasons of her own, tells me you can

secret. She's right.

I just wish you were a member of my lodge, that's all.

I could make you swear.

You make me do that anyway.

Oaf. Oaf.

We've got ways.

What are they?

I can't tell you that.

I'll say this.

It's pretty awesome, and it involves a pair of bellows and a mouth organ.

Blimey.

Exactly.

in the lodge, so I'll have to rely on your promise.

Lionel, if this is all so hush -hush, why didn't you do it yourself?

Because I wanted to do it proper.

Bit rusty.

Leave it to me, Chief.

You want to play for five minutes on your own, don't you?

Oh, incidentally.

What? How many pints of milk do you want left in the morning?

do you want? Well, I want to come in.

Now, where have I heard that line before?

Oh, once upon a time, just before you flung your arms around me.

Yes, well, that was a long time ago.

Now what do you want? Well, I've been detailed to paint your flat.

Oh, for goodness sake, how insensitive can Daddy be?

I don't know, tell me.

Well, throwing us together again when we once meant something to each other.

I don't feel thrown together again.

I'll bet you are to be put on this job.

No, no. Lionel simply drew me aside at this little place we both know.

And he ordered me to do it.

You'd better come in then.

Right.

Oh,

yes.

Very snug.

I like it. Good.

Don't do that.

Oh, sorry.

How do you like living on your own then?

None of your business.

I was only being civil.

I know what you were being.

Get on with your work.

Yes, madam. Can I get some water?

In there.

Right.

Sorry,

just a jolly workman's whistle.

You're not throwing that lovely food away, are you?

I'm full up.

Cooked it yourself, did you?

Yes. What is it?

As long as I know what it is, it doesn't matter, does it?

What are you having tonight, then? Oh, get out of my way.

Oh,

Leslie!

You dropped your nightie on the floor, look.

On with your work. Yes, madam. Shall I get the door for you, madam? Shut up.

Peter, what a lovely surprise. Come in.

I hoped I would be.

Well, how's the flat coming along? Oh, fine, thanks.

Good. Look, I was just passing. I wondered if you fancied some lunch.

Perfect. Where?

Oh, I don't know.

Claridge is all right.

Wonderful. Good, good.

Did you bring the Bentley?

No, it's in dog.

Oh, shame.

Oh, nothing.

So I brought the Porsche.

Ready? Whenever you like.

Oh, madam.

Yes? I couldn't ask you to bung a few bobby me meter for me, could I? No, you

couldn't. Well, it's only till lunchtime, madam.

Oh, you don't have to go anywhere for lunch.

There's been whilst rabbit in the kitchen.

Hello, Jacko. Hello, Veronica.

Is Leslie in?

No, she's out at lunch. Oh, doesn't matter. I only popped round to leave it.

I didn't know you charmed snakes as well.

I knew she wouldn't buy one of these for herself.

Oh, she's always just chewing her clothes about.

Yeah, I know.

Sorry. I'm sorry you got lumbered with this job, but Lionel insisted on

discretion, and I do remember you as being very discreet.

Ah, how are things with you and Lionel now that you're back together again?

Better. Much better.

Of course, he will insist on referring to me as his archangel.

Still, I suppose that's better than all you, isn't it?

A lot.

Mind you, he's actually worried sick about Leslie leaving the nest.

Got daddy -itis, did he?

In triplicate.

Hello, darling.

Sorry, this is Peter.

Oh, hello.

This is Bainbridge. Very nice to meet you. Peter's in electronics.

He's got a branch office in New York.

Oh, nothing very grand.

More a twig office, actually.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I really must fly.

Very nice to meet you, Mrs Bainbridge. You too.

Fancy some lunch tomorrow?

Love to.

Good. Bye -bye.

Ta -da.

Ta -da.

Well, what do you think? A very attractive man, not to say downright

Ladies, please.

What? We are men, not pieces of flesh.

Yes, madam.

Doesn't he dress beautifully?

And expensively. I'm glad you like him. I do.

Shame he's too old for you.

What do you mean, too old? Oh, I'm sorry, darling. There's no nicer way of

saying this.

He's too old for you. Oh, how medieval.

Yes, I know that's how it must sound.

Still, it's your life.

Oh, I brought the basket.

Try and put your dirty clothes in it.

Then later on you can try washing them.

Ta -ra, Jacko.

Ta -ra, Mrs Bainbridge.

Think about it, love.

Relationships with an age difference don't often work.

All right.

What do you think?

I think your mum's right.

I'm not interested.

Don't ask, then.

You're right.

How can I put this?

Peter may be a novelty to you, but I don't think you're a novelty to Peter.

Don't be crude.

Crudeness doesn't come into it.

And in any case, it's far more to Peter and me than just that.

I'm not talking about just that.

Well, what are you talking about, then? I'm talking about the other.

No.

No, the other side of things.

I mean, honestly.

Intellectually, do you and Peter really have anything to say to each other?

You'd be surprised.

I'd be amazed.

Get on with your work. Suit yourself.

And in any case, what would somebody like you know about what an older man

brings to a woman?

A punch.

Maturity, which is something you know nothing about.

Sense of self -confidence.

Enough experience of life to have valid opinions.

Understanding, tact, subtlety.

They don't just grab and hope.

Oh, you mean they grab and know?

Or know when to grab?

You've just proved my case. You're callow.

Common as well. Yep. Yep.

I think that's where we came in, Leslie.

He is nice.

Yeah. I'm sure he is.

He's going to give me a job, you know.

Is he? Yeah. I'm going to ask him for one tomorrow.

Oh, yeah?

Going straight in as head of the New York branch, are you? Don't be silly.

You don't mean to tell me you're actually going to start at the bottom,

Of course not.

No, I'm not sure what I'll take.

Probably something in PR.

Oh.

How much do you expect the cop per annum, then?

I'll have to talk to Peter about that.

Somewhere over 20 ,000, I suppose.

Perhaps I'll get a flat in the Docklands.

Oh, well.

There's hardly any point in me making a start here, then, is there?

Get on with your work.

Bottle of lager, please, Elmo.

Oh, right.

Bit dead in here, isn't it?

Yeah, I don't know.

Sometimes I think I ought to get out of this trade and open up a really nice

restaurant. What, with tablecloth and things, you mean? Oh, yeah.

I could call it Elmo's Bisto.

Yeah, you could, yeah.

Working locally?

Yeah. Where?

Locally. Where locally?

Well, I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to say, Elmo.

Why not?

Because it's a secret government defence establishment.

I've never seen one of those round here.

Well, that's why it's secret, isn't it?

God, have you seen any missiles?

That's what I'm painting.

But why?

What colour?

Pink.

Siles? Yeah.

You wouldn't think they'd be pink, would you?

Well, no, quite frankly, I wouldn't. Neither would a potential enemy.

That's why it's the clevity.

I see.

You can't write off a country that thinks they're things like that.

Absolutely not, Elmo.

Hello? Hello?

Excuse me.

I'm helping to conduct a survey on British drinking habits and I wondered

could have your permission to ask some questions in your pub.

You can ask me for anything you like.

Thank you.

So, fire away.

But you're not a customer.

Well, I drink, yeah.

I'm a customer. Fine, then may I ask you some questions?

Of course you can. As long as they're not personal, because I'm a very

introverted person. Yes, I can see that.

Can I get you a drink? Oi, oi! elbowing in. I'm buying a drink.

Oh, well, whatever the lady wants and I'll have a bottle of lager. May I have

bit of lemon, please?

Which bit?

I love that one.

It's good in here, isn't it?

First question.

Would you say you were a light, moderate or heavy drinker?

Moderate. I'm heavy.

Question two.

Is your preferred drink beer, wine or spirits?

All of them.

Lager.

Three. Do you prefer a pub that serves food as well as drink?

Provided it's not in here, yes.

If I was to open a bistro, I'd make pub grub look like pig's will.

Open a what?

A bistro.

Would you mind if we moved away from the bar?

No, not at all. He has that effect on us sometimes.

Here. I'd eke out your questions if I were you. There doesn't seem to be

else about.

No. Oh, it's all right. I'll probably come back this evening.

There must be some more customers then, despite him.

We're a hardy lot round here.

Might see you tonight, then? Maybe.

You just had to, didn't you?

Had to what? I was nearly away there before you stuck your big trunk in.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Another couple of minutes, she'd have been eating out of my hands.

She's not a pigeon, Elmo.

You know what I mean.

Fish and chip supper, the works.

But, oh, no, Mr Wonderful thinks he's got a divine right to every woman in the

world. That is not true.

I think I've got a divine right to try it on with every woman in the world.

But that's a different thing.

Pleasant lunch.

Arrogant pig.

Oh, is that what you had?

I'm talking about Peter. He refused to give me a job.

Good gracious me.

What do you mean?

Oh, let's fake it, Ledley. He doesn't see you as an employee, does he? I was

educated at the Sorbonne.

Oh, I know.

Well, you dilly -tanted about doing a bit of French, a touch of sociology, a

drop of design, and three whole weeks of philosophy.

More than you ever did.

Yeah, but I don't assume I can waltz into some top job in electronics, do I?

shut up about boring electronics.

It's all Peter kept on about.

Well, he would do, wouldn't he? You're after a job in an electronics company.

Well, he won't be seeing me again.

Giving you the push, is he?

I dropped him.

Oh, I see.

I did.

If he can't do me a little favour... Well, I'll give you £20 ,000 a year job.

Oh, shut up!

Are you laughing at me?

Yes.

This is the real world.

It's not daddies where everyone toes your line.

I'll get by.

I know lots of people.

Wealthy people?

Of course.

Well, consider this.

These people didn't become wealthy by dishing out jobs to unqualified

socialites.

If there's one tear on your cheek, Leslie, I'll

give you a week's wages.

Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you? Well, at least I've got a job.

Well, get on with it, then.

I'm going to have a bath.

Don't forget to put your dirty washing in the basket your mum bought you.

My own business.

Evening, Lionel.

You're round my house again.

If you've laid a finger on my Leslie, I'll kill you. Good news, Lionel.

Oh. In that case, you can come in.

Ta.

Hello, Jacko. Hello, Veronica.

Would you like a drink?

No, thanks, no. I'm just passing through on my way to a business meeting.

Is she blonde?

Brunette, actually. Oi!

I didn't let you in my house to talk mucky.

What's this news?

Oh, you don't have to worry about Peter anymore. I've got a feeling that him and

Leslie will soon be part in their company.

Oh, God.

Who's Peter?

I thought you knew.

Well, I don't. I was going to tell you.

Tell me what?

Who's Peter?

Who is he?

Just a folk that lately's been seeing.

Then why is it good news that he's gone?

What was wrong with him? Nothing.

He's a nice bloke.

Just a bit older, that's all.

How older?

Well, not much.

About twice as old, I suppose.

Oh, my God!

A dirty old man.

Fetch the police.

No, didn't you hear, Jacko? It's all over.

I didn't even know it had started.

Why didn't you do something about it? I'm painting her flat line. I'm not

vetting anything in trousers that comes through the door.

Oh, hell.

There's hordes of them. Just Peter?

The dirty old man one, yeah.

It's terrible.

Blokes get over -faulty, they become filthy and perverted.

Most of them.

Why didn't you tell me about this, Veronica?

Ignorance is bliss.

Well, at least you're admitting your own mistake.

Look,

I think I'd better be going.

Sorry if I've put the cat amongst the pigeons.

You didn't let anyone else know about this, old man, did you?

Remember our discussion in the Wendy house, Lionel.

What Wendy house?

I've done it again, haven't I? I keep assuming everybody knows everything.

Right, I'm going.

Hang on a minute, Jack.

Lionel. What?

Jack, I took the trouble to come round and tell her.

Oh, thank you very much.

But you make sure that you do a good job on that flat.

Well, don't be over -refusive, Lionel, will you?

Ta -da, Jacko. Thanks for bothering.

Over what?

This nice Lionel.

Oh, that's all right. Good.

Lionel?

Yeah?

What Wendy house?

Hey.

I don't know what a Wendy house is.

Kitty's playing them.

Oh, that.

Well?

It was him, Jacko.

Bloody childish, if you ask me, messing about in Wendy houses.

He said you were both in there.

Listen, I had to have that discussion about Ledley, didn't I?

He wouldn't come out, so I had to go in.

Really neat inside, you know.

They've even got those toy T -shirts and everything.

Why, you should buy yourself one for the garden.

So every time you've got nothing to do, you can go out and have a play.

I didn't have toys when I was a boy.

We had to make our own fun with bits of string and old fag packets. Oh, isn't it

a shame?

That is why Leslie should have what she wants.

Perhaps if I'd have bought her a Wendy house, she wouldn't be imperial now.

What, you mean she'd be living in the garden, innit?

It's better than out there, in the jungle.

It's Motspur Park.

We shouldn't have let her go.

It might be the making of her.

Now, come on, stop worrying yourself into an early grave.

Let's go out somewhere and have a nice meal.

A very nice meal.

Thank you, Veronica.

Do you know how I think of you these days?

You're like a damp towel I can put on my head.

Honey, do you mind if we don't go out tonight?

Kate Leslie phones.

All right, come on. Who's going to kick us off with a few jokes?

Monologues? Songs?

Anybody?

Oh, come on. This is entertainment night. Somebody do something.

You don't deserve a landlord like me, you don't.

Makes the sands in Las Vegas look a bit dull.

Bloody people, they won't start.

If you can get them started, get the ball rolling.

I'd start them off with me spoons, but I've got the bar to contend with.

Well, can't you play your spoons from behind the bar?

No, you don't get the same effect if you can't see me legs.

I did think of having a piano in here, you know, for jazz evenings and that.

Now, that's a smashing idea.

What, so when Oscar Peterson's in town, it can just pop in?

Well, that sort of thing, yeah.

Well, why don't you then?

Got an unmusical brewery? No, it's my bloody dog.

What about your dog?

Well, every time he hears a piano, he just goes for you.

Still, I'm not giving in. I'll find something to get people on the op.

No wonder they call you Mr Show Business, Elmo.

Yeah, well, at least I don't pinch other blokes' birds.

What are you talking about?

Now, give me a fair crack at a whip this time, all right?

Always willing to learn. Right.

Hello, darling.

The cream is this side of the bar tonight.

Sorry, I'm on a diet. Oh, fuck!

Hello. Hello.

Can I get you a drink?

No, thanks. I really must get some of these questionnaires filled.

What about after?

What about after?

Well, going out.

After? Yes.

No, thanks.

I'm a joy to be with.

Maybe.

Look, I don't mean to sound, you know, but... But what?

Well, you're too old for me.

I'm a student.

I go round with other students, people of my own age.

Look, I'm not Methuselah. No, but own up. You have got lines, haven't you?

That's character.

Which I'm sure is very attractive to women of your own age.

There's a lot to be said for older men, you know.

Like what?

Well, uh, maturity, understanding, tact,

subtlety. Yes, but older men only make a virtue out of things like that because

they're not young anymore.

Sorry, would you excuse me? Yes.

Go on, then.

Go on, get it over with.

Spit it out.

I loved that. I liked everything she said, every word of it, and I wish she'd

said more.

You're an applied jacko. This is the beginning of the end.

Never.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.

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