Original subtitles

Because of you, these friends I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, I've

really had a smashing evening, Jacko. You know, I thought I might be giddy in

revolving restaurant.

I spun off into my own suit the first time I went there.

Very apt, though, eating in a revolving restaurant when we're going round

together. You coming in for a coffee?

Do I get slung out afterwards?

Oh, yes.

Well, I won't bother then.

Sandra,

supposing I had cocoa instead of coffee... Oh, give us a kiss and go

I didn't know you intended going as far as kissing, Sandra.

What had you in mind for after cocoa, then?

Holding hands.

See you tomorrow.

Goodbye, old chap.

Haven't you got anything to paint?

No, I'm waiting for my employer to arrive so that he can tell me what to

I don't just point myself at the nearest object and give it a couple of coats as

a way of life, you know.

Well, I hope Jacko arrives before your employer.

Oh, he won't be long. He was out late last night.

So was I, but I'm here.

Oh, yeah.

Like Jacko. Before you go on, he was out with me.

Oh.

If you were not careful, you two would become known as a couple.

Well, we're not a trio.

Is it blossoming?

Mind your own business.

Oh, sorry.

We do get on well.

We enjoy the same things.

Laugh a lot. You know. What you might call a deepening relationship.

I don't know.

Maybe there's no point.

Why not?

You know Jacko. He's all over the place.

And he's signed a permanence in his life, and he's off, like a greyhound out

a trap.

Ah, he's got to change sometime.

That's what they said about Peter Pan.

No, he will. He's getting older.

You mark my words.

He'll wake up one morning and find that he's matured, like Stilton cheese.

And then, with the right girl, preferably one with a Geordie accent...

What girl with a Geordie accent?

Sandra. What about her?

Well, she's got a Geordie accent.

Never. You should hear me, Granny. You wouldn't understand a word for third.

See? He's lying away yet?

No. Probably still admiring himself in the bathroom mirror.

So that leaves us sitting here twiddling our thumbs in.

Any chance of a coffee, Sandra?

Yes, all right. The girl will make the coffee.

Only, er...

You won't sling me out after I've drunk it, will you?

You see, the thing is, Veronica, I haven't given up hopes of expanding the

business, but what with that loan falling through, well, if we can all

arms in at home, plus making the business more cost -efficient, maybe we

raise the money ourselves.

Of course we can. We've done it before.

When we first got married, economising wasn't a hardship, it was a way of life.

I wish Zsa Zsa Gabor was here to hear you say that.

Zsa Zsa Gabor?

What? Well, look at all the blokes she married, trying to find the right

husband. I did it in one.

I'm not your husband.

No, no. You know what I mean, my archangel.

That's a very sweet thing to say, Lionel, but I do wish you'd stop calling

your archangel.

Well, what would you like me to call you?

Just Veronica.

Just Veronica?

Veronica? Just Veronica, Lionel.

Well, all right.

But this economising, my heart... Veronica.

I don't want you going without anything. I've got everything I need.

And so has Leslie.

Yeah. She does tend to be an outgoing, doesn't she?

Tend? She is.

Do you know, sometimes when I hear there's been a run on the pound, I think

Leslie.

That is why your golden eagle has stayed at home this morning. I'm aware of the

situation and I'm going to do something about it.

Dad, will you give me a tenner, would you? Oh, certainly, Angel.

Thanks. Oh.

Abby. Yes.

Well, she did only ask for ten quid. And you didn't even ask her what she wanted

it for.

No, I didn't, did I?

Uh, Leslie. Yeah?

What did you want the ten pound for?

A tip. The gals brought my car home. A ten quid tip?

Yes. Didn't it occur to you to pick up the car yourself?

Oh, yes, but I couldn't get a taxi.

Liz! There's a bus that stops down the end of the road.

I don't go on buses.

I'm not asking you to, as such.

I want you to start economising in other areas.

Economise? Yes.

No, it's out of the question.

Lucy, come back here.

What? Did you hear what your father said? Yes, and I gave him my answer.

I wasn't putting it up as an option. I'm telling you.

I see. In that case, perhaps you could also tell me exactly where I economise.

Don't buy so many clothes.

So you want me to walk around in rags, do you?

You can't see one wall of your bedroom for clothes, Leslie.

Many of which are very, very old.

Yeah, some of them even go back to last year.

And I don't mind telling you I was very taken aback when I got your bar bill

from the tennis club.

Are you suggesting I'm an alcoholic?

No, but you don't have to keep ordering rounds of champagne cocktails.

Everybody else does.

Of course, if you want me to come across as the poor one, I'll start buying

brown ale.

There is such a thing as middle ground.

I don't know what middle ground is.

You've always brought me up to have the best.

The only thing I know.

And now you want to take it all away from me and expect me to know how to

I don't know why you're being so cruel.

Look, all we ask is that we should pull together as a family.

Mummy, Daddy and Leslie.

Well, I'll do my best.

That's all anyone can say.

Well, I think we cracked that one, Veronica.

It was painful, but I think we know how much Leslie's taken on board.

Yes, I think we know exactly how much Leslie's taken on board.

Miss, would you tell the Governor that Mr Putney would like to see him?

Who's Mr Putney?

Me!

Oh, sorry.

Just a minute.

There's a Mr Putney here to see you.

Bought this in Chichester, you know.

Hello, Elmo.

Hello.

Where's this Mr Putney, then? Yeah, me!

Elmo Putney.

Well, there's nothing funny about it. My father's name was Putney.

Well, it would have been, wouldn't it? Yeah, well, have some respect, then.

Sorry, Elmo.

Mr Putney. Mr Putney. Yeah, why are you saying this and not being called Mr

Putney all of a sudden?

Because, just for once, I am the customer.

And I think I ought to be treated with some respect.

Why am I talking to you, OK, Mia, to see Lionel? Oh, he's not in yet, Mr Putney.

Oh, oh, Moses, I got all spivved up for this.

It's all right, you can talk to me.

Lionel rang and said that I'm empowered to do business for him.

Well, all right, I don't want to go through all this again.

OK. Miss, will you take Mr Putney's hat and coat for him, please?

A cup of something, Mr Putney? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd like that.

Two coffees, please, Miss.

Certainly, sir.

Oh, second thoughts.

We have a lot of trouble with coffee. Make it tea.

Yes, sir.

Oh, great.

This way, Mr Putney.

Come in. Close the door. Sit down.

Make yourself comfortable, Mr Putney.

Oh, call me Elmo.

Why? Because I've had enough of this lot. I've gone all off now.

What can we do for you, then?

Right, I want the pub celery white.

and it's got a bit claggy down there, and I've got the brewery people coming

next week. Now, I know it's not a big job, but... That's all right. Me and

will be round in half an hour.

What's your game?

What? No -one comes that quick.

We do.

What, in a proper half hour?

In an actual 30 minutes.

And can it do the job by the end of the week?

We'll finish by Friday. Only if the brewery people see the marks my dog's

up. Elmo, Elmo, it's a promise.

Ah, here's the girl with the tea.

Mr. Patney? You can call me Elmo now I've undone me tie.

Thank you.

Sir? Oh, thank you, Miss.

Cheers, Elmo.

Oh, yeah, yeah, cheers.

Miss, I thought you knew I didn't take sugar.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were the one who liked eight spoonfuls.

Well, of course we come.

Our motto is politeness and punctuality. I'm politeness, he's punctuality.

Here, Elmo, can we leave the door open while we bring the gear in? You must

treat this place as your home.

Cheers, Elmo.

They've left the door open.

It's official. I gave them permission.

Well, on your head be it. They're blowing my dust about.

It's not your dust.

It's my dust. Well, I'm the cleaner.

You might sweep the dust, but the dust itself is my property.

Elmo, when she swept the dust up, do you look it in your face?

No. Chuck it away.

That's a very careless attitude to adopt about your own property.

Of course, in the old gold rush days, the saloons never used to throw their

away. Why?

Because there used to be gold in that there dust.

Oh, monkey.

He's having us all. Yeah, I knew that. I knew that.

Oh, gee.

If there was gold dust in that lot, I'd be entitled to a share of it. You would

not. It would be all mine.

Well, I did the prospecting. With a broom?

Yes. Well, granted you prospected for the gold, you would still not have a

because it's on my land. Hello, we're starting a range war. It's not your

You work for the brewery. And you work for me, so you've got even less claim.

Elmo.

Before we called a sheriff, do you think you can show us what you want doing

down the cellar?

Sorry, Ned.

Oh, um, Jacko, could I have a word with you before I go?

Well, have it now, Isabel.

It'll give Eric a chance to develop his executive potential, won't it, Eric? In

other words, get on with it. Yes.

What can I do for you, Isabel?

Well, before I start, am I on straight?

Pick for the left if it was me.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Now then, I know it's springing things on you, but would you take me to a party

tomorrow night?

Me?

Oh, you're thinking of the age difference, aren't you?

Well, I'll be frank, Isabel, it had occurred.

Look, forget it.

I don't know what I could be thinking of. I feel really stupid now.

Why did you ask, Isabel?

Well, this is the first party I've been invited to for ages, and... Well, I

don't know.

Me nerve's gone.

I need an arm.

I need an arm to come in on.

Well, don't you know any old, uh, men?

Well, either dead or married, dear. Oh.

Of course, if my Polish seaman hadn't gone back to Gdansk, he could have taken

me. When did he go back?

February 1947.

Ever hear from him?

No.

Oh, I do think I saw him on television once, holding a banner in one of those

solidarity demonstrations.

Now, he had an arm.

Just the one?

No.

You know what I mean.

When I walked in somewhere on his arm, I felt I could look anybody in the face.

Even though we were having an illicit liaison.

Sounds a decent bloke, Isabel.

He was.

You're not unlike Stefan, you know.

You cunning little me, Isabel.

Well, I would like you to come.

All right. What time shall I pick you up? Half seven.

Half seven it is. Oh, Jacko, there's no need to splash out on a corsage for me.

I've got a silk flower I kept from three Christmases ago.

I'm sorry you've broken your leg, Jacko.

All right, all right, I'm coming. Hang on, lads.

I have a lovely surprise to tell you.

Today you are having lunch here, a proper hot meal prepared by me.

What have you prepared, Elmer?

On the board.

And you're going to be doing that yourself, are you?

Oh, yes.

I think we'll stick to the sandwiches.

Oh, stop!

In the name of love, before you break my heart.

Shut up.

You started work yet? Yes, we're just about to. Well, done.

Get all your gear together and get round to Adley's.

What about me?

Yours is only a seller. He wants his old shop done.

More money, you mean? Yeah, more money. Come on, you. Hang on, Lionel. I

promised Mr Putney that we'd do this job now.

Who's Mr Putney? Me!

Oh, yeah.

Well, Mr Putney, I am not responsible for promises made by my underlings

my permission.

Lionel, when you spoke to me on the phone this morning, and I won't repeat

exact words, but what they amounted to was you not wanting us to sit about on

our bot -bots all day and take the first job that came along.

For a decent job, I said.

No, you didn't.

Oh, you've decided to join in, have you, Lenin?

How would you know what I said? Jackal told me. You know, I get very suspicious

about your relationship sometimes.

I'm a married man with children.

So was Dorian Gray.

Oscar Wilde, Lionel.

And the fact that Eric and I use the same dressmaker is irrelevant.

Not to me, it's not.

It's promises, Lionel. I made my promise to Mr Putney before you made yours to

Mr Hadley. You seem to forget I'm the governor and my promise annihilates

Get your stuff.

No.

What did you say? He said, we don't feel very good about this, Mr Bainbridge.

But we'll probably be getting our stuff together anyway.

No, he didn't. He said, up yours, Lionel.

How dare you speak to me like that? I didn't. I just said no.

It's only going to take a couple of days to finish this job.

It's not either here or Adley's. It's both.

All right.

Lovely. We'll do Adley's first and we'll come back here. That's a thought.

No, no, there's time to finish the game of bowls and beat the Spaniards too.

That's what Francis Drake said at Plymouth.

Mr Adley comes from Bromley.

Anyway, Lionel, I'm sure Mr Adley won't mind waiting a couple of days if he's

explained to him properly.

All right, cocky dick.

He's coming round the office at 11 o 'clock.

You do the explaining.

Just as well I'm here to bail you out.

Sandra.

Could you do a cough for me, please?

What for?

Just do as you're told, please.

Is that the best you can do?

I thought he was rather sweet. Shut up.

I don't want a cough that wouldn't blow a feather two inches. I want a real rasp

in one.

Now, come on.

It's pathetic.

Look, I wasn't employed for me coughing skills, Mr Bainbridge. Just did well.

Try it like this.

Of course, you'd see a doctor if I were you, Lionel.

Exactly.

Now, come on, do a really good act for me.

No, I won't.

Now again, that word's getting too popular around here.

All right, look, Mr Adderley will be here in a few minutes. When he arrives,

just cough a lot.

Best you can.

How much did he have to drink, Grandad?

No, it's not that, it's not that. He's holding auditions. He's making an LP

called Coughs of the World.

His master's voice.

Close the door.

Get a thrill out of making young girls cough, do you, Lionel?

Oh, I'd hate to be inside your head.

It's a virus going round.

Are we still inside my head?

No, round the firm.

We've all either got it, had it, or we're all going down with it. Oh, I'm

to hear that, Lionel.

What are we going to do? Shut up for a couple of weeks till we all get better?

It is what you are going to tell Mr Adley.

Lionel, that's as old as the hills.

All right.

Try him with...

All our materials have come from abroad, and as usual, we've been held up by the

rest of Europe.

And it won't occur to him to pop round the wall with some bar cutlery.

I'm only giving you the benefit of my experience. Don't be a... What story are

you going to tell him?

Well, I was thinking of telling the truth.

The truth?

You never ever tell a customer the truth.

Mr Hadley here to see you, Mr Bainbridge.

Never mind the colour cards. What about the painters?

You said you'd be round there today, robbing down.

We had a bit of a neck -up there. We shan't actually be able to start till

Monday. What?

He's responsible.

And who might you be?

I'm one of the two blokes who should be round your place, Mr Adley. Then why

aren't you?

Well, the thing is, Mr Adley, I promised to do a job for another customer before

Mr Bainbridge said we'd be round to you.

Now, I can only describe this as an internal cock -up, but the fact is I

this promise and I think I should honour it. Good God.

I bet you're wondering why I employed him, aren't you?

No, this is it.

Afraid so.

Well, there's not very much you can do about the truth.

But Monday's definite, is it? I promise.

It's lovely to see you so delighted, Mr Adly.

I'm not delighted.

I'm just knocked sideways because somebody's bothered to tell me the

unvarnished facts.

They talk all those cock and bull stories you fellas keep coming out with.

right, too.

It's funny you should mention cock and bull stories, Mr Adley, because Mr

Bainbridge and I were talking about them before you came in. Oh, yes, and?

Oh, Mr Bainbridge was saying that... how he hates people using them. See, we're

brought up here at Bainbridge's, by Mr Bainbridge, to treat the truth as

sacrosanct.

Well, I never did.

Yeah, I'm a very religious man, actually, Mr Adler. Really?

I'll see you on Monday. I don't want to hear anything about anything going

wrong, even if it is the truth.

Ta -ra, Mr Adler. Ta -ra.

Just how many lives have you got?

Veronica!

a terrific idea.

What's that, Lionel? When I get the extension to my premises done, I shall

it the Veronica Wing.

Don't you think that's a terrific idea?

Well, it makes me sound a bit like a hospital building.

Yeah. Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

I'll tell you what we'll do instead.

Yes? How about a 20 -foot portrait of you picked out in different colours on

front of the building?

20 foot?

40, if you like.

It might scare people off.

No, it will show the world what a stunner I'm married to. Plus, letting

know what range of paints we do.

What do you think?

I don't really know what to say, Lionel. Well, I fully intend to have you

immortalised in one way or another.

Shall we think about it, eh?

Because, after all, the extension might be a long way off, yeah.

Mind you, if I can keep the jobs rolling in at work like I did today and we can

all pull as a family at home, who knows?

Hello, Angel.

Oh, Leslie, just a minute. Yes?

What have you got in those bags?

Bits and bobs.

And Bob, it looks like you bought up our Oxford Street.

I wouldn't be seen dead on Oxford Street.

You know what your father means, what we were talking about at breakfast this

morning. Economising.

So he's buying the two tons of shopping.

For your information, Mummy, I wanted much more than this, but I remembered

new boring regime and cut back drastically. You've got no bloody idea

have you?

Well, what do you want me to do, for goodness sake? Buy a roll of Pestian and

run myself up some dresses? Your mother used to make her own clothes when she

was your age.

By candlelight, no doubt, with the rain dripping through the roof of your mud

hut. I could slap you sometimes, Leslie.

Go ahead.

Why not add physical violence to mental violence? Mental violence? All we're

asking you to do is to save a bob or two.

I don't see why I should become involved in your penny -pinching just because

you want a bigger office.

It's for all of us. What are we going to do, move in there?

Now, look, Leslie.

For somebody who's never brought a penny piece into this house, I think it's

about time you dropped this grand manner.

Quite right, too. You're 21 years old. You haven't done a day's work in your

life. Oh, now we come to it. You want me to get a job.

Well, I didn't say that. Yes, you did. And don't think I couldn't. Well, it

might not be such a bad idea at that.

Right.

I will.

You obviously won't be happy until I'm a spot welder or something.

Don't, don't, don't fly off the handles. I'm not flying off handles. I'm seeing

things. for what they really are.

Perhaps you'd be happier if I found a flat and moved out entirely.

What are you laughing at? The thought of you trying to look after yourself.

Don't think I couldn't. No, no, you couldn't, Leslie. When your mother and I

were temporarily dislocated, you couldn't look after me.

I didn't want to. You're a disgusting, drunken mess most of the time.

Were you really, Lionel? Yes, I was, Veronica.

How sweet.

Yeah, all right, you did look after your father, but you weren't capable of

looking after yourself either. And why?

Because the ironing fairy wasn't here. The cleaning up after Leslie Fairy

here. The cooking fairy wasn't... I can cook.

I cooked at the Sorbonne once. What did you make?

Melbourne toast.

Oh, well, there's nothing to worry about then, is there? No, there isn't.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

I'm going to buy an evening paper to start flat hunting.

Ogre.

What have we done, Veronica?

Come to our senses.

Nice to be back in the sunlight again after spending all morning down that

cellar.

You sure about the sunlight?

Oh, you know what I mean.

Must be awful to be incarcerated in a windowless place for years and years and

years.

We'll be finished tomorrow.

Not Almo's cellar specifically.

I was thinking more of the poor old Count of Monte Cristo.

Old good friend of yours, was he? No, I am simply saying he was incarcerated in

a windowless place for years and years and years.

And you're worried that Elmo might accidentally lock us in his cellar and

all about us, eh?

No, look, take being buried alive.

Well, I won't give this all the same to you, eh? Hello, you two.

Hello, Sandra. Hello, Sandra.

I didn't know you frequented bawdy houses at lunchtime.

Mr Bainbridge sent me.

You're not becoming a company narc, are you?

No, I'm not.

You want half a bottle of whiskey? Said he needs it.

Disgusting habit, that, drinking at lunchtime.

Anyway, Sandra, now you're here, can I get you one?

I wouldn't mind a quick half a lager. Right.

Half a lager, please, Elmo.

Oh, right. Oh, and can I assure Eric you won't be locking him in his cellar?

Why would he think I'd do a thing like that?

Oh, he's at a funny age.

He's weird.

Oh, incidentally, a token of my very sincere appreciation.

What for?

For sticking up for me when Lionel wanted to take you off the job.

Oh, there's no need for that, Elmo. There is.

Nobody ever sticks up for me.

Your dog does.

No, no, he doesn't.

Do you know, when I was being bullied at school, even then, when I was like

about... What, on the well -built side?

No, I was tiny.

I was like a little porcelain figure in those days.

Were you?

Oh, yeah.

Even my best mate wouldn't stick up for me. Who was that then?

Lionel.

Oh. Here, if Lionel wouldn't stick up for you, why was he your best mate?

Well, he was the only mate I had.

Thanks for the champagne, Elmo. That'll come in handy. I'm going to a party

tonight. Oh, yeah? Who is she?

Someone you know. Who? Who?

Isabel.

They're clean, huh?

Why?

Because she tantalises me, Elmo.

Isn't it a real wig she wears, you know?

You mean it's a false wig?

It's not proper blonde hair.

Nevertheless, Elmo, she still captivates me.

Give us a bag of crisps, plain.

You know how you were saying that Jacko has to change sometimes?

Yeah. Well, perhaps he's started.

Of course he has.

Why? Well, the way he's been handling this Elmo business.

Been very responsible, very straight and steady.

That's true.

Perhaps he really is beginning to settle down.

Sorry, Shonda.

Thank you. Oh, you needn't have bought me that.

I didn't. It's a present from my new best mate, the cheerful one behind the

And it's coming to a party with me tonight.

Who are you going with?

He's giving me cheese and onion.

I'm going with a gorgeous blonde.

Oh, no, not Leslie again.

And again.

Perhaps you end up settling down.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.