Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you, because of you.

Sorry, Mr Bainbridge. Mr Bainbridge, it was an accident.

Well, of course it was an accident.

I was just having a cup of tea.

I'll move them. No, no, no, you finish your tea first.

Would you like a cup of tea, Mr Bainbridge? Oh, I'd love one, Sandra.

your tea first.

Jack, how about... No, he's not in yet, Mr Bainbridge, but I'm sure he won't be

long. He must have got held up somewhere.

That's all right.

Goodness gracious, if a person can't be a few minutes late, well...

I just want to have a few words with him, that's all.

That's a very pretty dress you're wearing, Sandra.

Thank you, Mr Bainbridge.

And Eric, how are those two little angels of yours?

Who? Your kiddies.

Oh, oh, fine, thank you. You are naughty, you know. Why, why? I've been

to see a photo of those two little mites. You've never shown me one, have

Oh. Oh, bring one in, Mr Bainbridge. You do that. That is an order.

And your new hairdo looks nice too, Sandra. Very nice.

Do you think he's gone mad?

No, be fair.

Just because a person who's known as a miserable, aggressive old ratbag

starts acting like a polite, caring, charming person doesn't mean...

Do you really think he's gone mad, then?

Well, either that...

Oh, we're both having the same dream.

Who put them there? You're late.

Well, I've been doing me milk round.

Do you ever sleep? When I do, Sandra, it is the sleep of the innocent.

Oh, yeah.

Lionel wants to see you.

Only be careful.

Why? Because he's in a funny mood.

He's being nice to everyone.

We'd only got as far as insanity.

I know what it is.

His wife's come back to him.

Then she must be insane.

Look, Sandra, love expresses itself in many different ways.

Now, the only trouble is, you won't let me show you any of them.

Enter.

Come in, son. Close the door.

Sit down.

How are you, my friend?

A bit late, I'm afraid, Lionel. We're human beings, not machines, Jacko. Thank

you.

How's Mrs Bainbridge?

In a word.

Adorable. I can't tell you how glad I am to have her back. And I'll always be

grateful to the little cherub with a dimple on his bum who helped to make it

possible.

Cupid. Yeah, you.

Look, I'll admit to being a cherub, Lionel, but I haven't got a dimple on me

bum.

Very witty.

And I think I never used to find your jokes funny.

Perhaps I'm an acquired taste.

You've hit the nail on the head there.

Jack. Lionel.

Would you like to help your new friend out again?

With all my heart.

What a lovely thing to say.

Right then.

A bit of advice.

I'm listening.

No. From you to me.

Oh.

Uh... Seven.

Thank you.

Now, I'm getting my Veronica a present, and I've got these on Apro.

Oh. Which one do you like best?

Uh...

Not the big one?

No, I like that one.

Well, that one's quite big.

Yeah, but I happen to like the little one.

Well, it's a bit little.

Well, so are my birds.

How do they come into it?

Well, they're small and they're beautiful.

Well, that's big and beautiful.

I did have hope for an even bigger one, but it hadn't come in.

Well, buy one as big as a cartwheel if you want. I just happen to think that

Veronica would like that one.

Yeah, but why?

Because it's her birthday.

How do you know?

Well, I remember her birthday, when you bought that card.

Remember? You couldn't get it through the office door.

Oh, yes.

So I did. That was a big card, wasn't it? Yeah, immense.

The bloke in the shop, you know, said he thought he'd never shift it.

Didn't reckon on you coming along, did he?

No, he didn't.

Veronica's birthstone, eh?

Makes it personal, doesn't it?

Bloody personal.

Oh, thank you very much, Jacko.

You've come up trumps again.

I hope so.

It's not her birthday, you know.

Or our anniversary.

It's just a surprise present.

Now I've got my Veronica back, you see, I'm trying my very best to be, er...

Romantic.

Good for you, Lionel.

Not soppy, is it?

You soppy.

Leslie? Would you go to the table, please?

In a minute.

Do you know what you look like, Veronica?

You look like a tiny little pink bird with all its little feathers fluffed up.

Thank you, Lionel.

Do I look like anything, Veronica?

Yes.

Oh, um, like a golden eagle.

How long is it since I chased you round the kitchen, Veronica?

I don't know, but I seem to remember I had a bouffant hairdo.

Well, those days are back, and I have hopes of chasing you round the kitchen

till the end of time.

Oh, my God, I can't stand any more of this. I'm going out.

Any more of what?

What's she talking about?

You chasing me round the kitchen.

It's my kitchen.

No, it's not just that. You see, since I came back, you've been, well...

Wonderful?

Yes, and very attentive.

And I... I think. In fact, I know. It's put Leslie's nose out of joint.

Well, I don't know what I can do about that when she's hardly speaking to it.

Oh, it's a pity.

Well, yeah, it is.

Because Leslie will always be my angel.

But I've come to realise that the woman I married is an archangel.

Steady, Uncle.

I've got something for you.

Oh, it's lovely.

Do you like it? Do you really like it? It's beautiful.

You wouldn't want something bigger because it's possible, you know.

It's perfect.

But why is not my birthday or anything?

I know.

What makes it so special is that you go into the trouble of finding me something

with my birthstone in it.

Yeah, well, that's what I did, isn't it?

I didn't even know you knew my birthstone.

Didn't you, Veronica?

What are you playing tonight then, Francesca?

Our song.

Oh, Beethoven's Fifth, eh?

Yeah. I'll never forget that concert.

How you can single out a total stranger right at the back and play to him alone

still baffled me. Don't flatter yourself. With those lights, you can't

anything from the platform.

You mean you missed all my semaphore messages with both the programmes?

What still baffles me is how you got past the stage doorkeeper afterwards.

Oh, well, I told him that I was the reincarnation of Franz Schubert. Oh,

The fact that I flipped him a tenor might have had something to do with it.

So you mean you spent a tenor just on your chance of talking to me?

Well, either you or the dark -haired cellist. I see.

Well, a tenor, come on.

She hasn't got perfect pitch, you know. From where I was sitting, she was

pitched very nicely, thank you.

I'm going to Sweden next week.

What are you running away for? To play.

Who with?

The orchestra.

We're playing four concerts in seven days and for the rest of the time.

me, Miss.

Yes? That's a violin cave.

Francesca, this is Elmo, our local cultural giant.

Yes, it is a violin cave.

Can you play it? Well, not the cave, no.

No, Francesca, look, Elmo meant the violin inside the cave, didn't you,

Of course I did.

Sorry. Yes, I can.

Right then, how would you fancy playing in here of an evening?

Elmo...

This young lady plays for a symphony orchestra.

She is a proper musician.

Well, I wouldn't want any rubbish, would I?

Anyway, you wouldn't be playing for this outfit every night.

Well, no, I don't think you would. Right then, how about five pound a night and

all the beer you can drink?

I don't drink beer.

Well, I don't know if I can run spirits.

How about three pound fifty, six packets of crisps and... How about...

Her dressing as a gypsy and playing round the tables.

That's a good idea.

I could strap a tambourine to my elbow and a pair of cymbals through my knees,

if you like. That's brilliant. A one -woman band.

Gypsy bands.

A one -woman gypsy band. Now, that is classy, that is.

Go down your cellar, Elmo.

What's the matter?

You are talking about a young lady with intelligence and talent. And who is not

bandy enough to accommodate a pair of cymbals between her knees.

All right, be snobby, but don't say I never gave you a chance. This pub is

places. I am upwardly mobile and I'm taking a pub with me.

Well, I hope the Martians like the beer.

What Martians?

Well, it's you, isn't it?

Upwardly mobile.

Hurtling through the cosmos, towing the pub behind you.

What can he see in someone with a brain like his?

Oh, I'm sorry about him.

We'd have him put down, only he amuses us.

I tell you who has got bandy legs.

Who? That dark -haired cellist.

You don't forget nothing, do you? No, I don't. And I haven't forgotten this

wonderful idea I had just before Sir George Cholsey came over.

You know I said the orchestra's going to Sweden?

Yeah. What if you were to come along?

I can't play an instrument.

Oh, well, you know what that would be.

Yeah, but I don't know anyone out there. I'd be lonely.

I'll rub your nose in my violin in a minute.

Would be lovely.

I think so.

Yeah. I'm not due holiday for another couple of months. It's only a week.

I'm only a man.

I'll ask him tomorrow.

No, Veronica, there's nothing wrong.

I just wanted to hear your voice.

I'm sitting at my desk.

Patting my lovely clean pocket handkerchief that you ironed for me this

Where are you sitting?

Oh, yeah, of course, it would be by the phone.

And you're wearing the brooch I gave you.

You can't see me here, Veronica, but I've gone quite misty.

Oh, sorry, darling, I must hang up now.

Of course you can, Cocker. Come in, close the door, sit down, make yourself

comfortable.

Incidentally, that brooch went down a bomb with Veronica.

Now, you won't go and spoil it for buying another one only ten times

will you? Of course not.

The thought never crossed my mind.

That'd be, uh... Vulgar.

Vulgar, wouldn't it?

Incidentally, Lionel, how did you get all them brooches on Appro?

I know somebody.

Oh, fell off the back of a lorry, didn't it? No, no, no, no.

They're all bona fido.

Know somebody?

I mean, somebody in the... Cupboard?

No, in the... Yard?

In my lodge.

Oh!

What is this lodge of yours, Lionel? I can't say anything about it.

Oh, fair enough.

Anyway, what... Except that it's a group of people.

All jewellers, are they? No.

No, we come from all walks of life.

And do what?

Things.

And when you've done these things, what do you do then?

Other.

Thanks. Sounds like a lot of fun to me.

It is. It's wonderful.

Good.

Anyway, Lionel, what... Excuse me for interrupting you, son. I have just had a

very daring thought.

What about?

You. Oh, yeah? You see, you've been such a cracking little mate to me lately.

How would you like me to put you up?

What, come about your house?

Put you up for the... Lodge!

Oh!

Well, I... I don't know about that, Lionel. I'm not saying it would be easy.

We're not your everyday person, and some of our ceremonies can be quite

frightening. Well, I might not have the bottle.

That is what I asked myself when I was on the window ledge.

But I came through it, and I've never been the same since.

Well, sounds a bit advanced to me, Lionel. You can hit yourself on the head

a tin tray, can't you?

Well, technically, I'd have to say yes today.

Here you are, then. Yeah, but, um, am I as mature as you?

Am I too shallow a person?

I mean, am I sufficiently developed?

See, compare you to me.

I see what you mean, Jacko.

It's very honest of you to say it. All right, we'll leave it for the time

I'll just say this.

If someday an envelope with nothing in it comes through your door, you'll know

it's something to do with me.

I'm deeply grateful, Lionel. What were you going to ask me, incidentally?

Oh! I know I'm not due already for a couple of months, but can I have next

off? Of course you can.

Why don't you ask?

What's your staff?

Oh, yes.

Going anywhere nice?

I can't say too much.

How remarkable.

You just reminded me of myself there when people asked me questions about the

lodge. You don't give nothing away, do you? Exactly.

Thank you.

Would you like me to take the top off your egg, darling?

Yes, if you want to. How far down?

That's perfect.

Like the little lady who's going to eat.

Thank you, Lionel.

Your soldier's the right size.

Yes, thank you.

Where's Leslie?

Leslie, your egg's getting cold.

I think it's me outranking her as an archangel.

I wish you'd speak to her, Lionel. No, no, no, that's a mistake I made in the

past. Always giving in to her.

Look, it's not a power game.

You see, I love being wooed all over again, but I don't want Leslie to feel

excluded. She is our daughter and we love her. Now, you tell her so.

I would like to.

Well, then.

Leslie, can you come in here, please? Daddy wants to talk to you.

any of this minute.

All right.

Aren't I even allowed to finish magazine articles anymore?

Not when your father wants to talk to you.

Now, shake hands and let's have a good clean fight.

Don't play with your egg, Leslie.

Now, look, Angel, what is the matter?

What is wrong?

Nothing.

Apart from the fact that I'm being treated as a pariah.

Apart from the fact that nobody cares whether I live or die.

Apart from the fact that the new order seems to be that I should come last in

everything. Nothing's wrong at all. That is not true. I am vitally interested in

everything that happens to you. Like my engagement to Philip, for example.

Yes, of course.

Then you might be vitally interested to know that the whole thing's off.

What?

Why don't you tell me?

but he's interested in me. Oh, this is terrible. This is awful.

I have to bear the whole thing by myself. That's my loan up the spout,

What loan?

Philip's dad. He was going to lend me the money to expand the business. What's

that got to do with my... Unless you only got the money if Philip got me.

Well, that is the crude way of putting it, Angel.

What do you think I am, a prize heifer?

You'd have been getting a five -bedroomed house and Mercedes of your

Pin money like other people's incomes, plus Philip.

You don't care about what I might have got. You only care about what you didn't

get. You've let me down badly, Leslie.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Perhaps you'd like me to move my way round to Philip and beg him to take me

back.

My... You're actually considering it.

Don't you think you owe me something?

Where's the affection?

Where is the loyalty?

Where is the consideration?

You bought it all.

Oh, that is nice.

I bet if I asked young Jacko to do me a little favour... Like getting married?

He'd come up, Trump.

Anyway, where did that little slug come into the conversation?

Qualities. Just recently, that boy's been showing me parts of himself I've

seen before.

I won't comment on that.

You'd have to. You would have to, because he's been nothing short of a

revelation. Why don't you adopt him? I could do worse.

Then perhaps you could get him to tell you how he's the one who lost your loan.

What are you talking about?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Jacko's the one who brought up my engagement.

Coffee? A week's holiday in Sweden?

You're so jammy, you could be spread on bread.

I am paying for it myself.

Not coming out of an arts council, Grant.

I bet you applied for one.

If I didn't know you better, Sandra, I think you're having the teeniest of goes

at me.

Why should I?

It's no skin off my nose if you want to have a dirty week in Sweden with a minor

musician. That's not what you told me it was.

You described it as a Swedish artistic odyssey.

Well, I happen to have a cleaner mind than what she has. For your information,

Sandra, Francesca is not a mining musician.

I think she happens to be going places.

Yes, downhill if it's with you.

Highest suicide rate in Europe, Sweden.

Thank you, Eric.

So when you go out for walks, watch out for falling bodies.

I shouldn't think going for walks is on the itinerary. Ah, just because you

don't approve of short relationships, don't cheapen them.

How does he know you don't like short relationships?

Mind your own business.

Morning. Morning, Mrs. Burbridge.

I brought in those photos of me children you wanted to see.

as gormless as you.

I wish you'd do something with your hair, Sandra.

In here, you.

Does anyone get the impression the sun's gone behind a cloud again?

In here.

Come in. Close the door. Sit down.

You're shat. Get out.

Right, ta -da. Oi, what do you think you're doing?

I'm sick and tired of this routine, Lionel. You call me in, give me the

then five minutes later we're kissing and cuddling and making up.

Well, not this time. I'm taking you at your word. So you should. Right, ta -da.

Oi!

What? These do me the courtesy of asking me why you're sacked.

No. You will bloody ask. I won't. Right then. I will bloody tell you then.

Right, well, I'd better sit down then. You ain't. I will.

The reason I am sacking you is because you have destroyed my hopes for

expansion.

What are you talking about?

A loan.

Oh, how much do you want?

You prunehead.

The loan I was going to get if my daughter married Philip, a loan from

father.

What's that got to do with me? Because it was you who broke up the engagement.

And how did I do that? You poisoned Philip's mind against my Leslie.

I bought him half a lager and told him to do what he thought was right.

That is not the way my Leslie tells it.

Well, she wouldn't, would she? She's the one who's been given the old heave -ho.

You calling my daughter a liar?

Look, Lionel.

If Leslie doesn't get her way, someone has to pay.

Now, that is one of her little traits, isn't it?

Well, in future, you keep your nose out of my family's business.

Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Just a minute, I'm finished with you

yet.

Punishment. Oh, not paint stripper on the soles of the feet again.

You'll be laughing on the other side of your face when you hear what I'm

depriving you of.

You've guessed, haven't you?

Forget any possibility of me putting you up for the lodge.

Yeah, that hit home, didn't it?

Like a knife to the innards, Lionel. Yeah, you could have been a probationary

unicorn come next candlemas.

I'd have really liked that. I know.

And I'd have liked the thought of standing out there on that window ledge

well. So would any sane person. Standing out there in the moonlight with your

trousers around your ankles is unforgettable.

I should imagine it is.

One of those great moments in life that... Well, it's going to pass me by

isn't it? Well, it serves you right. Now, clear up and get some work done.

Oh, but my heart won't be in it, Lionel. Your back had better be.

Yes, Lionel.

Been sacked again?

Yep. Been reinstated again? Yep.

What did you get? Lying?

Sort of, but what I didn't get was me holiday taken away from me.

Sandra, bring me in the holiday roster, will you?

We'll have a nice time in Sweden, Francesca.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you too.

All right, Gerald.

I'd better go because his yoghurt's going off.

Here, just think, you could have been starring at Elmo's Pub.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you, because of

you.