Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you, because of you.

you gone mad?

We have not gone mad, Elmo. We just wanted to know. Is Lionel in here? No.

He's bad.

Good. But why?

Because ever since his wife left him, he's been coming in here moping about

an undertaker and depressing the customers.

Depressing the customers is your job, isn't it?

Exactly. And if it's not that, it's how about a night out, Elmo? I'm so lonely,

Elmo. We was always such good mates, Elmo.

Oh, he did that to us too.

Wanted to go greyhound racing the other night at White City.

Did you go?

That's been knocked down, hasn't it?

He didn't believe us. He just thought we were being uncaring and evasive.

I'll tell you this. If my old woman left me, I wouldn't go to pieces.

I'd be up west with a tart on each arm.

And a mince pie on your head, presumably.

Listen, sonny Jim, you never saw me in my heyday.

What did you think of Queen Victoria, Elmo?

Well,

I'll tell you what I think of Lionel Bainbridge, and I don't care if the

world knows it.

Even his wife?

Oh, hello, Veronica.

Hello, Mrs Bainbridge.

Eric, Elmo.

Hello, Jacko.

You look well. Thank you.

Why wouldn't you care if the whole world knew about Lionel, Elmo?

You are still separated, aren't you? Yeah.

Well, well.

I don't like it very much.

It's all right, I'm not so keen.

Where's your drink, Veronica?

Thanks, yeah, I'll have a dry martini.

This is with me. It wasn't you that took the bottle of champagne out of my hand

and slammed the door in me, Faith.

When was this?

Your daughter's engagement party.

I didn't know about that. I was too busy leaving Lionel at the time.

You do look well.

So do you.

Shall we sit down? Yeah.

Uh... Eric?

No, I'll... All right.

Cheers. Cheers.

So how's it going?

Not bad.

Got myself a little flat.

Round here?

Yeah.

Why? Oh, I don't know. I just thought you'd be sunning yourself in Lanzarote

somewhere. I don't speak Lanzarote.

You do look well, Veronica.

That's the third time you've said that.

Yeah, well, I'm seeing you in a different perspective.

You're not the boss's wife.

You're just Veronica.

I hoped you'd say that.

You've been looking for me, then?

Well, not continuously, but yes.

Why, poor quad, do tell.

Well, do you remember when I wanted to drive a stake through Lyle's heart?

Yeah, quite a beauty.

But I mean the time when I told you that I fancied being irresponsible and

having a fling.

Yes, I do remember that moment. It made me blow cold air down the front of my

shirt. You went all noble on me, and you said that if I wasn't with Lyle, the

circumstances would have been different.

We could have flung.

Not to put too fine a point on it.

Circumstances are different now.

And I think you should do some of the work.

Well, I've never been a shirker, Veronica.

Fancy dinner round my place?

What, tonight?

Yeah. Oh.

I can't.

Oh, don't tell me your bottle's gone. Look, I'm playing like mad.

No. I've got to take my sister and her husband out to dinner tonight. They've

come up to London especially to see me. When do they go back then? Wednesday.

Well, in that case, may I have the pleasure of your company on Wednesday

evening? I'd be delighted.

I'll make you risotto al jacko. What's that?

No rice.

And how much is this?

No, I'm sorry. I couldn't run for that.

Get on the phone, Sandra.

They haven't left enough scaffolding again.

I'm not walking around all day with Eric on my shoulders.

I'm a skilled craftsman.

Got a high wire act.

All right.

God, you've brought a big pack lunch, haven't you?

It's all my clothes.

Oh, thinking of changing the lot, eh?

No, I've been slung out of my flat.

Well, walked out, more precisely.

Why? My landlord, Mr Da Vinci.

Oh, he didn't ask you to pose for him again, did he?

Sorry.

What did he do to you?

He drilled a hole in the bathroom wall.

And not for fixes and fittings, presumably?

Quite. At least I squirted him in the eye with my deodorant.

Then I made certain remarks about his parentage. He yelled at me. I packed up

and here I am.

You're not going to live here, are you? I might have to. There's nothing I can

afford in the paper.

Coffee? Yes, please.

But don't worry, Sandra. Something will crop up.

In the meantime, no problem. Move in with me.

No problem.

Move in with me.

Those two statements contradict each other.

I don't follow you.

I am a girl.

Well, I'll get you scented soap in.

Are you seriously suggesting that we could share the same flat without every

night becoming a case of three falls or one submission?

You'd do me a great injustice, Sandra.

I've had nuns in that flat.

That's nothing to boast about.

No, not in a carnal sense.

Celia the novice, she was my guest for three nights.

And she left as pure as she entered.

Nobody believes that.

How do innocents suffer?

That's what I'm saying.

Oh, me, I mean.

Look, honestly, Sandra, no messing.

If you're really strapped for somewhere to stay, I promise, hand on my heart.

Yes?

Just a minute.

Now, we're not allowing for your own passionate nature here, are we?

I'll get you scaffolding.

Sandra.

Two bottles of lager, please, Elmo.

I'll pay for those, Elmo. And another large scotch.

I thought you said he was banned.

The Three Musketeers.

The Three Musketeers.

Gil, how a man's life changes when his wife leaves him, eh? Oh, give it a rest,

Lionel, for God's sake.

Yeah, well, it hasn't happened to you.

Well, it wouldn't do, would it? I'm not married.

Well, you are.

I want to see how you feel when your wife leaves you.

It's not a compulsory part of the marriage contract.

Mind you, I feel different about it today.

When I woke up this morning, something hit me.

Dodgy ceiling.

Don't joke, Jacko. I'm being very sincere.

The thought struck me, bizarre as it may sound, that Veronica walking out could

have been my fault.

What do you think of you, Ed?

No, no, it's weird, I know, because even though I say it myself, I'm a pretty

good bloke, but I'm coming to realise the fact that I must have driven her to

it.

What are you looking at me like that for?

Well, I've never seen a revelation happen before, Lionel.

It's like Saul on the road to Damascus, isn't it?

I don't know the rights and wrongs of it, but I'll tell you this, I don't half

miss her.

Only I knew where she was.

I carry these with me all the time, you know.

What have you got in there? White fibres?

Photos. It's me and Veronica on honeymoon, that is.

Where are you then?

There.

A bit of a dandy, wasn't I?

Eileen Island it was. Four days was all we could have bought.

Lousy bed and breakfast place. Once you went out, you weren't allowed back in

again till six o 'clock.

Hoard with rain every day.

Happiest time of my life.

Sounds wonderful.

I won a plaster spaniel in the shooting gallery.

Of course, his ear was chipped.

Second day out, Veronica snapped the eel off her best pair of stilettos.

We laughed all the time.

You laughed?

Yeah.

The world seemed a funnier place in those days.

Now, without Veronica, it hardly seems a place at all.

See you, lad.

You're back!

Indeed it's not.

You don't find this music too gauche, do you, Veronica?

I don't find anything you do gauche.

Well, in that case, I don't know if I've told you this.

But you do look well.

Oh, why didn't they make the human mind so they could only keep one thought in

it at a time?

What are you talking about?

It's been a lovely evening, Veronica.

You're lovely, everything's lovely.

But all the time I've had this other image trying to force its way into my

I've tried to keep it out because, well, everything's here for us, isn't it?

But it just keeps coming back and coming back. And now that image is in my head,

I can't get rid of it. What image?

Lionel. Oh, what did you have to bring him up for?

Why didn't you just pour a bucket of cold water all over us?

Well, I saw him in the pub and...

I don't know. Somehow he was different.

Civil? Yeah.

Since you walked out on him, I've honestly and truthfully haven't had an

of pity for him.

But he started doing the unthinkable.

Started blaming himself.

Oh.

Has he?

Yeah.

He produced these photographs of you and him on your honeymoon in Hailing

Island. I didn't know he kept those.

In his wallet.

He looked a bit like Sandy Shaw.

I was trying Priscilla Black.

Oh, that's a difficult line, all that is.

He does something sentimental and nice, but he doesn't let you know about it.

He misses you, Veronica.

Oh, that's not a great seduction line, is it?

Well, it isn't a great seduction anymore, is it?

Jacko, you didn't have to tell me any of this, did you?

I get these suicidal tendencies.

Must be the Japanese blood in me.

Thank you.

Where's my coat?

I've seen the whole... No, don't bother to come down.

Take care.

I'll have to get myself a teddy bear.

Come on, come on. Give us a miniature of Curacao, will you?

Miniature of what?

Curacao. Never heard of it.

Look, there's one down there. Look with him.

Cura cacao is what that's... Oh, yeah?

Where'd you get the extra syllable from?

Look, I'm in the business, I know.

That'd be a quid.

What do you want it for, anyway?

Well, I'm entertaining this evening and I want to make a cura cacao sauce.

What's wrong with that tomato ketchup?

With ice cream?

I'm flashing out a bit, aren't you? Look, Elmo, you're a sophisticated

Haven't you ever cooked a meal for a young lady before?

Yeah, yeah, I did once.

We was both sick.

Jacko, can I bump into you?

Hello, Philip. Look, I can't stop. I've got to dash and turn into the galloping

gore, mate.

Ho -hum.

Well, if you're in a ho -hum mood, Philip, I don't have to go just yet.

Shall we spit a bottle of something?

I've got a lovely Albanian classic.

Two bottles of lager, I'll make.

Even a ramus.

I'll change places.

I always feel like going through to the lounge, but this isn't the lounge.

What if it's what Elmo calls his uni bar? What does that mean?

Well, all of it's horrible.

Yeah, I heard that.

You want to have my brewers. They don't want to know about innovations.

Well, they can't do it. They'd get a decent publican in here.

Do I have life then, Philip?

Oh, well, fairly sort of ho -hum.

Better than that, is it?

What's the problem?

She started getting on top of me.

Don't really know what to say about that.

I mean, here I am engaged to a most beautiful, wonderful girl. And you're

a lot of o -humming? Oh, yes.

I've never claimed to be a forceful personality, but luckily I don't seem to

have any personality at all. Well, that's Lionel's fault, Philip. He should

thanked her bum when she was a little girl a bit more often.

She won't even let me choose my own shirt.

He keeps ordering for us in restaurants.

Well, having an old jacket on, marriage is for two people. Well, that is the

normal number, yeah.

Well, they're telling me where we're going to live.

We're going to furnish the place. What sort of dog we're having, aren't we? Go

on, Philip. Go on off all your building up to the people.

It's pretty out. Go on.

Well, I'll be crude. We're two chaps in a pub. Yeah?

I even get the feeling that...

Thing -a -me -jog is going to be on Leslie's toes. Well, only when Leslie

like it.

Of course.

Thing -a -me -jog, eh?

You don't mince words, do you? I know you must think I'm an awful weed.

Look, Philip, I think you're a smashing bloke.

And somewhere lurking deep inside Leslie's a really smashing girl. It just

the two of you getting together, that's all.

How do we accomplish that?

Well, I'll tell you what I'd do.

Yes? Well, I'd never give advice to an engaged couple. That's your problem.

Oh, I'm in again, Philip.

Look, form your own opinion, decide, and then make it heard.

By Leslie?

Well, not by me.

No, of course not. You're quite right. That is the crux of the matter.

Right. Now, look, I'm not giving you the elbow, but I really must dash.

Of course. Thanks for the chat.

Philip, tell me one thing.

Where did the tentativeness with women come from?

Did you have a nanny?

No. I couldn't really explain.

Bye, Philip.

I hope you don't find this music too ghost, Sandra.

Well, yes, I do, really.

It was a lovely meal.

Where on earth did you learn to cook like that?

The boys' brigade.

And even larger brandy.

No.

I'm fine, thanks.

Well, I don't know what you're worried about.

Your accommodation problem's sorted out. You haven't got to drive anywhere.

Talking of accommodation... Yes, yes?

I saw a lovely flat lunchtime.

Modern, clean, self -contained.

No files in the bathroom.

Exactly. I could really lead my own life in a place like that.

Only... What?

They want key money.

£800. Of course, a lot of money for a key, isn't it?

Too much.

I'll lend it to you.

Where are you going to get £800 from?

Well, I've got some put by and what we've over time and I could always sell

body.

Don't be silly.

Go on, Sandra, I mean it. No, I couldn't.

Well, perhaps this will make you feel better.

You'd be duty -bound to cook me a meal, and what with no rules about men being

in the room, you'd have to find another excuse as to why I couldn't stay the

night. I would love it.

So would I.

The flat!

Go on, then, get it.

You are lovely sometimes.

Another brandy, Sandra?

No, honestly, I'm a bit tired.

I think bed's the thing.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Any preferences to which side you want to sleep, Sandra?

Downstairs in Eric and Jean's.

I don't know what you moved in with them for. Because they are fun.

Can't be very comfortable sleeping on top of the cookie, you know.

I've got my own bed and I'm very cosy.

Well, I've got my own bed and I'm desperately lonely.

Good night, Jacko.

No, no, no, no, I don't want to be kissed. You're only after me money.

If you look at it the other way round, and I stayed after I'd accepted your

money, you might think that it was only gratitude.

And you wouldn't like that, would you?

Get down in stairs like you're free today.

Call yourself a bed, you're obsolete.

We've had two invitations, but I've chosen the Balfour's house party because

it'll be less boring.

Pick me up at nine and we'll lunch at Pangbourne.

I'll make the reservation.

Now, for goodness sake, don't pack that awful blue suit.

It makes you look like a nabby.

And on no account suggest a walk round that wretched lake of theirs. I hate

wearing borrowed Wellingtons and I hate midges.

Philip, are you listening to me?

Yes. Then at least show a little enthusiasm.

Don't talk to me. We're not going.

I beg your pardon?

Look here, Leslie.

I am absolutely sick and tired of you telling me what we're doing!

We're engaged.

And I'm old -fashioned enough to believe that the basis for marriage is a

partnership, not one treating the other like some office boy. How dare you speak

to me like that?

Well, it's better said now than later.

What makes you think there's going to be a later?

If that's all you think of me, Philip Crane, you may as well take your

engagement ring back.

On the whole, that may be the best solution.

What?

You heard what I said.

You can't do this to me.

You can't dump me.

I think I owe it to myself.

As Jacko said, it's about time my opinions were heard.

Jacko? Yes, we had a drink together.

Oh, I see, and he's put all this poison into your mind. No.

He simply helped to clarify something I've been thinking for a long time.

You don't want a partner for life. You want a puppet.

But, Philip.

Goodbye, Leslie.

Philip!

Sometimes I am a little difficult.

But we've had some wonderful times together.

And we can have a lot more wonderful times.

Remember Kitzbühel?

Yes. Our Kitzbühel.

No.

Even then, I'm not sure you weren't just using me.

Even when you were all over me, I was never sure you weren't just trying to

out what wax I put on my skis.

What do you mean, where did I get the money from?

Well, I say, where did you get £800 to lend to Sandra?

A couple of weeks ago, you were pleading poverty.

Well, if you must know, I sold volume one of my memoirs. Well, yeah, I suppose

there is quite a lot of money in pornography.

Actually, I've cancelled my holiday to Barbados. Well, I thought that was a bit

ambitious. Where are you going instead?

Southend? No, Florida.

How?

By air.

All right, all right.

Gaynor, the British Caledonian girl, has managed to wangle cheap tickets for us.

Well, I shall think of you when me, Jean and the kids are jammed in that caravan

at fourth call.

Well, you should be used to being jammed in, as you will insist on taking in

houseguests at the drop of the hat.

Sandra had to stay somewhere. Well, I'd already made her a perfectly good offer.

I'm being a sensible girl. She turned you down.

It's a terrible place to get to, Poole's Court.

You get stuck in traffic and swelter for hours and hours and hours.

I want to feed you.

Lionel looks well today.

Nice dress.

Do you hear me?

Go on, Eric. She wants to see you. Not me. No, she's got no interest in me. I'm

respectable. I'm going. Eric, where do you go to when you beat these hasty

retreats? Away.

Just away.

I said I wanted to see you. Here I am, Leslie.

This won't take long.

That's not what you used to say.

I'm not in the mood for any of your funny back chat.

Philip had the temerity to break off our engagement.

Oh. Yes. Oh.

And you put him up to it.

Rubbish! We had a couple of halves of lager and I had to listen to a load of

-humming. I'm not prepared to debate the matter.

You're sacked.

Oh, appointed yourself managing director now, have you? I don't need to.

Have you ever known my father refused me anything?

Ah. You've screwed up my life for the last time.

Do send me a postcard and tell me what it's like on the dole.

You're not having a lot of luck, are you?

Veronica.

Hello, Lionel.

You got your case.

You've come back to me.

I must need my brain tested, but yes, I've come back to you.

Veronica!

Ow! Oh, my darling. My darling, I'm so sorry.

Look, I'll do it to myself.

Ow! Ow!

Oh, I've missed you so much and I've sewn my shirt to my trousers.

Is that what he's made you come to? Oh, you don't owe the half of it.

All these weeks.

I'd have killed myself except you wouldn't have got the insurance money

being suicide.

You miss me at all?

I suppose I must have done.

I have got to tell you something.

You leaving, it was all my... It was all my...

It was all my fault.

Oh, no.

It was horrible.

It was horrible.

I wasn't designed to be left, Veronica. I couldn't cope. Nobody wanted to know

me. Our bed seemed ever so big.

I didn't know you didn't fry leg of lamb.

What made you come back?

Well, I suppose the clincher was me finding out that for all these years

been carrying our honeymoon photographs in your wallet.

Kept all your letters as well.

Where? In that velvet lime box our first cantina cutlery came in.

Oh, Lionel. Look, I know I don't always.

How did you find out about the photographs?

I bumped into Jacko and he told me about them.

He also told me how much you'd been missing me.

Did he?

Yeah.

Very nice thing to do?

Yeah.

Very nice thing to do?

Yeah. What's his game? What's he up to?

Just being nice.

Oh.

I'm going to be nice from now on.

I'm really going to try. We'll have to talk. I know.

You've got to tell me where I went wrong, probably in millions of ways, but

main one, I mean. Yeah, all right.

Yeah, what are we doing standing up in our own house?

Oh, no.

It's enough to make you mist over, isn't it?

Well, you certainly kept the place immaculate in my absence.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I'm not very domesticated. No.

What about Leslie?

Oh, she's done her best, bless her.

That's the main reason.

Leslie? You know it is.

That lazy little so -and -so has let you live in squalor and now you're

defending her as always. Leslie this, Leslie that, Leslie my angel. Leslie

not be denied.

I've become a second -class citizen in my own family.

Daddy?

Mummy. Hello, Leslie.

Are you back?

Looks like it.

Oh, Mummy, I'm ever so glad.

Well, I think I am really. You see, Veronica, we both need you. You're the

linchpin. Without you, neither one of us... Yes, excuse me, Mummy. Daddy, I've

got something I have to say.

Then you'll have to wait. I'm talking to your mother. This is important.

You've got to do something for me.

Never mind making your demands. You make too many demands altogether.

It's about time you learnt your place in the scheme of things here. Your mother

comes first, not you.

What?

If that's all you think of me, I'll go back to the Sorbonne. You can't afford

the fare. I hate you!

She doesn't really hate me, does she?

No, no, no.

Here I am.

Oh, hello, Jacko.

Mr Bainbridge, Jacko's here.

He won't be a tick.

How are you at painting bad news, Sandra?

I'm not sure.

Well, try this, besides. I can't lend you the money for your flat.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

Oh, you must have your reasons.

Well, only one. I'm going to get the sack.

Why? Royal command.

Princess Leslie of Motsburg Parks asked her dad to give it to me.

That's not fair.

Well, since when was fair a word that obliged to Lionel?

Yes, Mr Bainbridge?

All right, Mr Bainbridge.

He's ready.

Sandra, what were those words that Sidney Carton said as he climbed the

the guillotine?

It is a far, far better thing. No, it wasn't, no, it wasn't. He'll blow this

a game of soldiers, that's what it was.

Wanted to see me, Lionel?

Jack, only boy, come in.

Let me close the door for you.

Sit down.

Cigar? Oh, no thanks, Lionel, no.

And I won't have a blindfold either.

Private joke.

Oh, and very funny it is too, I'm sure.

So what did you want to see me about, Lionel?

Your future.

I was afraid of it.

Afraid? How can you be afraid of all your golden tomorrows?

What golden tomorrows? Here, I hope, under the aegis of my wing.

You mean you're not letting me go?

Let you go?

I'd cut me right arm off rather than lose you.

And incidentally, there'll be a very nice raise, an hefty one in your pay

at the end of the week, which I hope you will accept.

Well, I think I can see me way clear accepting that.

Excellent. Top hope.

Lionel, can I ask you a question?

Fire away, lad.

Have you seen your daughter lately?

Yes. Last night. Why?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Oh. And, Jacko, I know I've stuck you for some rotten jobs in the past. You

know, if a sewer comes up, you go down it.

I hope this compensates in some way.

Can you hallucinate on Nescaf?

Come again?

It was a joke, Lionel.

A joke?

Yeah. Oh, I see. I get it.

That's very funny indeed.

Well, off you go, my friend.

And remember, son, even if this door is closed, it's always open to

you.

Did he do it?

No. I think he's gone mad in thick.

He's given me a rise.

Here, you'll be all right for your flat now, Sandra.

Oh, Jacko.

He's put me on a good job.

Where? I don't know. Let's have a look.

I like that man in there, whoever he is.

What's the job? Oh, no, you can't see it, Sandra. It's top secret.

And very, very urgent.

This is all very basic, ladies.

I didn't know you could paint jacuzzis.

I'm compulsive.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.

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