Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, oh.

Oh, yeah.

Good morning, Angel.

Huh. A cup of tea?

No. Thank you.

Oh, now, look, it wasn't my fault your mother walked out.

I don't care whose fault it was. All I do know is that neither of you thought

about me.

I never wanted you to come from a broken home. Nor a pigsty, presumably.

Well, she'd got on top of me.

We didn't get on top of Mummy.

No, Mummy was a woman.

Housework came naturally to her.

But it has occurred to me, perhaps, if you were to... Gibby, is that the word?

No. Just help out a bit. I mean, it's not as though you've got to go to work,

it? Oh, I see. You'd like me to cancel my entire social life, is that it?

Course not, Angel.

It's pear to the bone as it is.

I have to clean my own room, make my own bed, iron my own clothes.

Couldn't iron me a shirt, could you?

No, I couldn't.

I'm late for my sauna as it is.

Look at that sink. It's disgusting.

Well, how do you work the dishwasher, then?

How should I know?

Find the instructions.

I don't know where your mother kept them.

Then get somebody in.

I don't like the idea of me being at work leaving some stranger in the house.

I'll tell you what.

If you could see your way clear, just for a couple of hours a day, not to do

anything, just supervise.

You really don't care what happens to my life, do you?

It's virtually in tatters as it is.

How do you think I feel when I have to tell people my mother's left home?

Do you think it's easy?

Do you like a new tennis racket?

No. What I would like is a little understanding.

Well, what about somebody understanding me?

Your mother was my wife for years and years, and then suddenly, God knows why,

she ups and leaves me. My whole world's skewed with it. Don't you see that?

Then get her back.

I don't know where she is.

Even if I did, I'm not sure I'd want her.

Well, you'd better find her before Philip and I get married.

Because if you think you're walking me down the aisle in a grubby vest, you've

got another thing coming.

You've only just got engaged.

You won't be getting married for a long time.

Won't I?

If this state of affairs carries on, the sooner the better.

But I'll be all alone.

I won't be in this evening. I'm going to the theatre with Philip.

Loneliness is a terrible thing, Leslie.

Oh, don't dramatise, Daddy.

You don't know what loneliness is?

Yet.

Do you think Mrs Bainbridge will go back to Lionel in the end?

I wouldn't. I wouldn't live with a bloke like that.

Changed him, though, hasn't it? Ain't changed his shirt, has he?

He's had the same one on all week.

Looks like something we wipe our brushes on.

I'd hate to be his pant.

I think it's affected his mind as well.

You know, when he gives you a rollicking, you can tell his heart's not

it. You've got to feel a bit sorry for him, though, haven't you?

No?

He's got about as much idea about how to treat a woman as Jack the Ripper.

She must have seen something in him early on.

Perhaps you drugged her.

There you are.

Hello, lads.

I'll find another pub at lunchtime.

It's getting to be quite a regular little thing, isn't it? This lunchtime

of ours.

Yes, we have noticed, Lionel, yes.

It's funny how circumstances can forge new friendships, isn't it?

Who are you talking about?

Me and you two.

Here's an idea.

How about the three of us going out together tonight?

Me? I can't. I've got to get home, you know. Wife and everything.

Oh, yeah.

Of course, you've got a wife, haven't you?

Still, pick her up. I don't want to start talking about that.

No, no, you don't, Lionel, no.

I manage him very well.

Very well.

That's not to say that every hour does seem to have 80 minutes to it in the

evenings.

Why don't you iron a shirt?

No need. My lessee does them for me.

What does she use, curling tongs?

Don't come easy to a girl of her education.

I've got an idea.

What's that, my little Eric?

You and Jacko go out tonight.

Now, that is an idea.

How about it, Jacko? Two lads out on the town.

Lads, you're almost a senior citizen.

You haven't seen me in my brown suit.

I think they still do tea dances at the Hammersmith Palais.

We don't want to tear you down.

Dag! That's what we want.

A skint will be a game of snooker, eh, Jacko?

I don't want a glass of lemonade and a game of bar billiards with you, Lionel.

Why? What's wrong with it?

I've got to be back at work in ten minutes. I haven't got time to tell you.

Oh, that's nice.

At times of stress, you find out who your friends are, don't you?

Lionel, you've never been a friend of mine.

You've always treated me like something you find in the U -Band.

Me? Yeah, you.

And now you're down the pan, you want to sort of behave like the Corsican

brothers. Well, it's not on.

Oh, I see.

It's kick a man when he's down time, is it?

Here's a thought for this evening.

Why not go out and have a nice meal with your dog?

I suppose you think that's funny, you little swine.

What have I done? You cheered him up. He's still nasty again.

Hello, me old mate.

Hello, pong bot.

Elmo, why the hostility?

Because I remember things. That's why.

Bainbridge. Now, be fair. I didn't ask you to do the catering for my Leslie's

engagement party because, let's face it... Arad are slightly better equipped

than you are, aren't they? It wasn't that. It was me turning up to your party

with a bottle of champagne and me bow tie on, which hurt my neck.

I thought you looked very sproncy. You didn't have time to notice how I looked.

You just took the bottle of champagne and slammed a door in me face.

That was a joke.

No, it wasn't. Of course it was.

Want to open the door again so we can have a good laugh together, you'd go.

Oh, and when was this?

30 seconds later, a minute at the most. Well, that's a lie, cos I must have

stood there all for a good ten minutes wondering whether to put a brick through

your window.

Oh. Anyway, bygones are bygones.

How about you and me going out together tonight?

No. Oh, come on.

I bet you it was still a twist for the best of us. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I

can. But I wouldn't be seen dead on the same dance floor as you.

Elmo, we'd go back a long way.

We'd have done national service together if we hadn't both failed a medical.

At least I had proper flat feet. I didn't pretend to be psychiatric.

Oh, shut up.

Give us another scotch. Make it a double. Make it a treble.

That's too much to drink, Sandra.

I'd never have guessed, Mr Bainbridge.

That's because I can hold it.

I feel terrible.

Oh, come on. Let's sit you down in your office.

Let's sit me down in my office.

I'm a drowning man, Sandra.

Yes, I know what you're drowning in as well.

Why are you being so kind to me?

No -one else is.

I just don't like seeing you like this.

You're a good girl.

You haven't been taking care of yourself, have you?

I can't.

I'm not trained for it.

Now, you just sit here quietly, Mr Bainbridge. I'll be back in a minute.

Hey, listen, I'm on a late lunch.

Now, I don't suppose you could pop out for a cup of coffee with me, could you?

Oh, I'd love to, but I've got my hands full at the minute.

Well, never mind. Just a thought.

Mind you, if you could hang on here for a while, I might be able to make us a

cup of coffee out here.

Yeah, sure. That'd be nice.

Mr.

Bainbridge.

Sandra, second thoughts, I'll see you in the pub later, hmm?

OK, Roy.

What are you doing here?

Well, not that it's any of your business, but I came to see Sandra.

Mr Bainbridge, stop it!

Come home with me, Sandra.

I need comforting.

If you don't let go of me, you'll need surgery.

Wait!

Dirty dick, leave her alone.

All right, he's drunk.

Look at him.

Just look at him.

Who? You.

What pride have you got in yourself to get in a state like this?

Oh, no, I'm the dregs.

Don't you think an apology's in order? I'm sorry, Jacko.

Not to me, you fool. To Sandra.

I'm sorry, Sandra. I don't know what came over me.

About 80 scotches, by the way, you reach.

What shall we do with him?

Stick him in a dustbin outside and hope someone takes him away, eh? Oh, we can't

just leave him.

We should get him home.

Come on, Island Fling. I had a rocking horse with one eye.

Do us a favour, Lionel.

Pass out.

I finally got him to bed.

Well done.

Not without a fight, though.

Why? He thought I was trying to steal the shoes he was wearing.

I think he was trying to grow penicillin in this one.

Oh, God, what a shamble.

Do you know the whole house is like it? The place is like a tip. It's pathetic.

A man just letting himself go.

The really pathetic thing was letting Veronica go.

Oh, it can't have all been his fault.

No, true. Only about 99%.

Sandra, what are you doing?

We can't just leave all this.

Well, I can.

It's unhygienic. That's all right. So's Lionel.

You're being very hard on him, aren't you?

I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I like women.

And he's treated a really nice one like dirt.

Why aren't you married?

Why aren't you using the dishwasher?

Look.

So that's where cups and saucers go to die.

What are you doing here? Oh, we're from the sanitary department.

We brought your dad home.

He's ill.

Ill? Yes, distillery -itis.

I see.

I wondered when he'd turn to drink.

He's very unhappy.

Well, I'm hardly euphoric.

All he thinks about is himself.

It's not very nice for me not to have a mother around the place.

No, it can't be.

I think there are some clean drying -up cloths in the drawer somewhere.

You'd like us to carry on, would you?

I'd be very grateful.

Shall we do a little spot of overing while we're about it? That would be

Leslie, sometimes I think you've been beamed here from another galaxy.

You'd let us skivvy for you, wouldn't you?

You work for Daddy.

Yeah, but we don't work for you.

I'm his daughter.

Then it's about time you started acting like one. I don't need to be told how to

behave by someone like you.

What do you mean, someone like me?

Who do you think you are?

Lady Mug talking to the kitchen maid.

You may have plenty of money, but you certainly haven't bought any good

with it. Here, try getting your hands dirty.

Dead eloquent, isn't she?

Now, all I'm saying, Sandra, is when we get the premises in large, we won't need

a guard dog.

We'll just have a big sign outside saying, Beware the Sandra.

Well, she made me mad.

And I wish you'd stop making me sound like a dullberman. No, more of a little

terrier. Small, lovable, but dangerous when roused.

Anyway, another day flitted by. Come on, killer.

We both did you have a drink? We do, but I'm eating rice.

Oh, I see.

I wish you'd stop lacking in his character.

Look, Sandra, all I said was, oh, I see.

It's the way you said it.

You're always on about him.

All right, shut up.

Run out of nasty things to say?

No, I've become emotionally whole.

Thank goodness.

Well, I'll just clear up... Oh, no.

What's the matter? The petty cat has gone.

But I locked the office when we went out.

Well, when did you last see it? Oh, earlier, when Mr Bainbridge was being

ridiculous. Somebody must have come in and taken it.

Oh, and I passed him as I came in. A chap by the name of Roy Hooper, who I'm

meant to say nasty things about. He wouldn't. Well, who else would it be?

Lionel wouldn't pinch his own money. He was too busy pinching you.

And that leaves me.

You wouldn't do it.

No, I know I wouldn't.

But if you insist on an intimate body search, I shan't resist.

Don't joke about it.

I'd better tell Mr Bainbridge. Oh, come on, Sandra. There's no point in their

estate, is there?

Let's have a drink.

Just a minute.

If Roy did take the money...

Why would he arrange to meet me in the pub this evening?

Now, that's a Mary Poppins thought, isn't it?

I'm clutching at straws, aren't I?

Come on, I'll get Elmo to fix you a cocktail.

That'll cheer you up.

Why should it?

Well, the top always flies off his shaker.

All right.

Why not? Because it's blackmail.

No, it's not.

It's quid pro fiver, or whatever they call it.

How can Lionel get nasty about the petty cash when you got him banked the rights

for sexual harassment?

That's horrible.

I couldn't even do that for you.

All right.

Let's try the more honest approach.

Tell Lionel he took the petty cash himself.

You'll be growing a four -pin in Little Horns in a minute.

No, it's my fault.

I should never have left the money lying about in the first place.

You've been watching too many stars on Sunday.

Good evening.

Hello, Eric.

Hello.

I'm going to have to get these glasses changed, you know.

Why? Well, this afternoon.

Now, I know that you were there beside me painting, but, you know, I couldn't

actually physically see you.

I'm sorry.

Something cropped up. Oh, yeah? What's the name?

First of all, Lionel got as tight as a tick and we had to take him home.

Then when we got back to the office, we found that somebody had stolen Sandra's

petty cash.

Oh, blimey. I'm worried sick.

Of course you are.

Tight as a tick, you say?

Legless. Well, tell Lionel he took it. He'll never remember.

Did you two go to the same brothel?

I'm just being decent.

How was the money, Nick, then? Roy Hooper.

We don't know that for sure.

True, true.

It's just that all the little pieces of evidence do point to Roy.

He was there at the time of the robbery.

He suddenly decides not to stay for a cup of coffee and says he'll see you in

the pub.

So where the hell is he?

I never liked Roy Hooker.

So what have you got against him?

Shim pads.

What?

When we were kids, nobody round our way had any money. But every football

season, he always had a brand new pair of shim pads.

So he did.

Never had to stuff the National Geographical magazine down the front of

socks, did he?

Always did his own work, didn't he? I always found his shoes unnaturally

My God.

I hope you two never do jury service.

Look, Sandra, I know this might sound like bias. Only slightly.

I know I'm right about him.

I just know I'm right about him.

Hello, Sandra.

Ryan!

Hi.

Sorry I'm late. You all right? Yeah.

Well, no.

I've had about £150 worth of petty cash stolen from the office.

Oh, no.

Oh, that's terrible for you.

Look, come on.

You come over here and tell me all about it.

Nobody could have that much cheek, could they? He could.

He's got more cheek than an elephant's bum.

I know he did it.

Right. How are you going to prove it?

Can't. How are you going to get the money back off him then?

Can't.

Well, we might as well go home then.

How can I go home?

Saunders is going to get blamed for the petty cash.

And he's in his pocket now, I know it is. Tell the old Bill.

And what am I going to use as evidence?

The fact that he always had new shin pads.

I wonder what Robin Hood would have done.

Robin Hood?

Well, I often find I get inspiration from historical figures.

I don't. Anyway, I haven't got a barn hour and a pair of green tights.

Wait a minute, I've got an idea.

It doesn't entail luring him into Sherwood Forest, does it? No.

He could never resist a game of cards. Get him into a game and win the money

him. There's a flaw. What? I might lose.

Never.

You're a better player than he is. Anyway, he'll be at a vast psychological

disadvantage.

How come? He's got a lot more money than you.

Now, I'm sorry, you let me explain that one.

Look, he'll get flash.

He won't be able to resist it.

But you're the hungry fighter, aren't you?

The cooler guy.

Waiting for the moment.

And then you're in there carving him into little pieces.

Yeah. Yeah, I like the theory. I like the theory.

We'll give it a go.

How much have I got?

About 40 quid. Well, I've got about 35, but I'll just use mine to bump the pot

up, you know, encourage him. You ain't got to do that, Eric.

No, look, I like Sandra as well.

Right.

Come on in for a high tuck.

Luck be a lady tonight.

Sandra's just been telling me the ins and outs.

Rotten business, isn't it? Oh, yeah, yeah, I agree with you there.

Er, Elmo, me and Eric fancy a game of cards.

What are you going to play, happy families?

No, no, three -card brag.

Fancy a game? Pound in, pound a go?

Do you realise if you play three -card brag with me, you'll be signing your own

death warrants, don't you? Oh, it'll be worth it, Elmo.

Just to be at the same table as the master.

Grandmaster. In that case, I'll get the wife down.

About time she did some work in a bar, sitting up there squirting herself with

things all day long.

Hey, Cart, do you mind if I join in?

Yeah, fancy me taking you to the cleaners as well, dear?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you could try.

Oh, right.

I thought we were going out.

It'll only take half an hour.

We'll never go anywhere you want.

Any objections?

No, no, no.

In that case, follow me to the policing room.

First jack deals, right?

Right.

I'm awake, I'm awake.

That's a joker.

It's a jack.

It's got joker written on it, Elmo.

All right, just seeing if you're awake.

Bang! Now tell me that is not a jack.

All right, that's a queen.

It's a jack. It's got a bloke's face on it.

Could be a king. A young bloke's face.

I don't want to be a killjoy, but is there any chance of you actually

this game? All right, miss, just feeling each other out, blokes do that.

So, big Elmo deals.

Cut those, say your prayers, I'm after you.

Hang on, mate. It wouldn't have been easier if we had the cards on the table.

The type of school I usually play in would have caught those.

Still, if you want to play, then hand me Pamble, wait.

Got something good, Elmo.

Maybe I have.

Maybe I have.

This is a face no one can read.

Get the money on the table, then.

Our fault. Fault. Me too.

Oh, AKQ and all.

Yours is the glory, Elmo.

In you go.

Tell me this is not inscrutable.

What, your nose?

Fizzog twerp. Like a mandarin, Elmo.

What's up?

I'll bet a pound.

Me too.

It's all right. It can cut out the tough guy stuff. I fold.

Right, pound it in.

I'll up it too.

There's my two.

And again.

Three.

No, I'm out.

There you go.

Three.

What would you say if I was to uplift to ten?

Goody, goody.

All right.

Ten.

You're ten.

And up ten.

Oh.

Well, I think I shall just have to see that.

Go on.

Nine, ten, Jack.

Not Joker, Elmo, Jack.

All right, I'll kick you all out in a minute.

What have you got, Roy?

The night is young.

Oh, come on, Elmer. Make a decision.

All right, all right. Don't forget whose premises you're on.

Oh, is that a frat guy in a bar? No!

Decisions. Right, right.

Oh, almost.

I'd fold.

Right, I'll go ten.

Well, I think I can spare ten of mine.

And I'll, er... I'll up you twenty.

Oh, don't make it any bigger. This is silly.

It's getting out of hand.

It's not getting out of my hands.

Well, come on, actually, man. Make a decision.

If I dropped out twenty minutes ago...

realise that's going to cost you 20 quid just to see me, Jacko.

Yes, I do know, Roy.

Do you take IOUs?

No.

Here you are.

Finish the stupid game.

Thanks, Sandra.

Right, let's see who's bluffing who.

Three tens.

What a shame.

You've got him, Jacko.

Not with these cards, mate.

Made in Germany. That's the trouble with that pack of cards.

You just make sure you make them all doubles, Elmo.

Make more than him, look.

I'll have strychnine.

Come on, fellas, don't be bad losers.

I still don't think you should have played for all that money.

Hey, don't knock it.

It's done you a bit of good.

How?

Because you no longer have to tell your boss that the petty cash was stolen.

Here you are. Now, you put this in the cash box, all right?

I can't let you give me that amount of money. Yes, you can.

Look, I'm just glad I can help you out.

Now, there you go.

£147. Oh, Roy, I can't.

I insist.

Roy? Yes?

How did you know it was exactly £147?

Eh? You heard.

No, Sandra said it was. No, she didn't. She said it was about £150.

No. No, you definitely said 147 quid, didn't you, Sandra?

I couldn't have done.

I hadn't finished counting it.

Well, what's the matter anyway?

You got it back?

Sandra, the top of your head is very lovely, but I hadn't really intended

talking to it all evening.

I feel such a fool.

I don't want to look at anybody.

Look, it's all over now, isn't it?

You warned me and warned me about Roy, and I wouldn't listen.

Well, everybody warned me about Jane Fonda, but I still went out with her.

Look, like I said, Sandra, it's all over.

Everyone's got their money back. You've dislocated Roy's jaw. What more do you

want?

I'm ever so grateful.

You only played cards to try to win the money from him.

And what a stupid idea that was.

Eric's, incidentally.

Anyway, let's talk about something more esoteric, shall we?

Like sex.

We've been through this before.

You know I'm fond of you, but I won't go to bed with someone whose idea of a

long relationship's a fortnight.

You're not allowing for the fact that I might change.

Pigs might fly.

No, I'm serious, Sandra.

One day I might become a one -woman man.

I'm not saying I will, but say I did and today was the day.

Now, wouldn't you kick yourself for not being there?

We'll be off, shall we?

We haven't had our dinner yet.

Are you sure? I thought I paid the bill.

I hoped you'd be in here.

Oh, my God, it's the ghost of Jacob Marley.

I won't intrude.

I just want to say, Sandra, that I shall never forgive myself for the way I

acted in the office.

That's all right, Mr Bainbridge.

You're a man.

Well, it's very nice of you to take it like that.

Cheers, then, Lionel. Yes.

As I said, I won't intrude.

Mr Bainbridge.

Oh, he'll be all right. A quick blow through with a red -hot vindaloo will

perk him up.

His life, I mean.

Wife left him.

Awful daughter.

Sandra, you're losing the thread of our conversation.

He's got no friends.

Well, I have in a rather special way at the moment.

Look,

Sandra, this table is where the important events of the evening are

It makes us seem very unimportant, doesn't it?

No, it doesn't whatsoever.

No good.

Mr. Bainbridge? Yes, dear?

Why don't you come over here and have dinner with us? Oh, I couldn't.

Peter Andre couldn't. Please, we'd like you to.

So kind, so kind.

Well, this is nice.

Oi!

You're fine young people, you know that?

You know what would really please me?

The two of you were to get together.

Because of you these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.

You love nature. You love nature.