Original subtitles

Because of you, these friends I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Do you know, when I was shaving this

morning, I'm sure I saw a grey whisker.

You sure it wasn't a dollop of that paint?

No, it was a grey whisker.

Why are you telling me this?

Because it makes you think of the very short span we spend on this earth and

quickly it passes.

That's a very dismal thing to say for someone who's only 89 years old.

Not dismal.

Awesome.

You had scrambled eggs for breakfast, didn't you?

How do you know?

Well, it always gives you the dooms.

I should stick to the fry -ups if I were you.

Makes you think, though, doesn't it?

No.

You're very shallow at times.

Shallow, yes.

But that's how I feel today, Eric.

I'm in the mood to enjoy the simple things in life.

A green playing field, the birds in the trees, a jar of gentlemen's relish to

open for lunch, and possibly the most simple pleasure of all.

And then you'll get your glasses changed.

Come on, hurry up. We want to get some catching practice in. Get changed as

quick as you can.

Do you want a hand?

What with?

Oh, not with the getting changed, with the big bag.

Thank you. We can manage.

First lady's cricket team this week?

Just cricket team.

Oh, I see what you mean.

You're actually men.

You're going to be here all day?

Oh, yes.

I was afraid you might be.

She's very nice, Eric. If you like instant hostility.

Look, when Cleopatra first met Julius Caesar, she didn't have a civil word to

say about him.

But he cracked it in the end, didn't he? Yeah.

And then he got assassinated.

It's playing up again.

Veronica, how many times have I told you? Never come in the room when my case

open.

How do I know when it's open? I can't see through walls.

You could have ahemmed before you came in.

I'm not going round my own house ahemming before I open doors.

When you know I've got my case out, I mean. I don't know you've got your case

out until I come into the room. There's no point ahemming then.

Splitting hairs, as usual.

I don't know what all the secrecy is about anyway.

I know what's in it.

You don't.

You can't.

Not in detail, no, but I do know that it's your soppy regalia for your lodge

meeting. My regalia is not soppy.

Not that I'm saying there is regalia in this case.

It's your lot that rolls one trouser leg up, isn't it?

No, it isn't. It's something we do with our shirts.

And forget I said that.

to work with you. Not having a practice in the paint store, are you? I am taking

my case to work because I've got a busy day and I won't have time to come home

and get it this evening.

I assume you're travelling in a security call van.

Honestly, Veronica, I could smash you round the ear hole sometimes.

My lodge fills a great hole in my life and all you do is make fun of it. I am

supposed to fill the hole in your life. The way you're behaving lately, you are

the hole.

And to think I could have...

a fishy dumb bar.

He was rank.

Rank! Maybe, but he was a kind and considerate soul. He wouldn't have spent

evening prancing around with his shirt tails hanging out.

Only one, so there.

And will you stop prying into our rituals?

I'm going to work.

Oh, do me a favour. I'm not dropping dead for you, Lionel.

Would you please get on the phone to the office and tell Sandra I won't be until

lunchtime because I'm going to check that Jacko and Eric will finish at

Place today.

Yes, all right.

Hello. Goodbye, my dearest darling.

How's that?

Oh, very well taken, wicket -keeper.

You're very good standing up club.

Skipper's name?

Linda.

Thank you.

No. Safer cows is Linda.

All right.

Who told her my name?

She did. She did.

I'll pop you one of these days, Gillian. Now come squarer. Yeah, go squarer,

Gillian, please.

Watch for the leg glance, Linda.

Excuse me, umpire.

Hurricane Linda's approaching.

She looks lovely when she's just got out of the bath.

If she intends to kill you, I would have thought to die with her.

Hello, Linda.

Now, listen, you.

I've had just about enough of your stupid, sexist remarks.

He put me up to it.

I did not. You did not.

Haven't you ever seen women before?

Let me think.

Playing cricket.

Oh, not with a wicket -keeper that looks like you, I haven't, no.

Put that right out of your mind.

He can't. That's his trouble.

Be quiet.

Sorry.

I mean, do you seriously think the level of your remarks contains any wit at

all? I've heard them all before.

Bowling a maiden over, fine leg, slip.

The only one you missed out was when I bent down.

Do men really say that, then?

Probably useless at the game itself.

I'd like to see you looking so smug if you were out in the middle facing

Sheila's bouncers.

You said that, Linda, not me.

Oh, come on, Linda. Are we playing or not?

All right, Gillian.

I'm doing this on behalf of all of us, you know.

You're quite right, of course.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, when have you ever played football with a load of girls on a

shouting out remarks about your legs?

Never. And what would you do if they did?

I'd probably try and make me thighs ripple.

These are paintbrushes.

That's very perceptive of you, Lionel. So why aren't they being used to paint

with? Because we're on our lunch.

Right, darling.

Just checking.

going to finish up here today? When have we ever let you down? Every day of your

working life.

Ow. Not breathing.

Oh, don't start getting sentimental, Lionel.

Anyway, tomorrow, you're both off down Miss Barton's Dance Academy.

A dance academy?

Yeah. What's the catch?

There isn't one.

You, you lucky toe -rag, you've fallen on your feet again.

John and Ronnie would have been on that job if they hadn't fallen off their

trestle. Well, they say goodness brings its own reward, Lionel. Yeah, good.

It could always paint blindfolded.

You'd do anyway by the look of that.

Anyway, I'm off.

No!

What's the matter, Lionel? My case.

My case! Someone's stolen my case!

I didn't know racehorses went there.

Oh, yeah.

He was trying to get his ooze up on his father, did he?

Can you get your leg up there?

Of course I can.

Can you?

Of course I can.

Go on, then.

You go on, then.

Now, on consideration, Eric, I think it's best if we loosen up first, eh?

Ready?

One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. I don't

believe it. It's you.

It's you.

It's me as well.

You're a very sporty girl, Linda.

Don't start that again.

You read a double meaning into everything, don't you?

You float like you around, I do.

You taking lessons here, then?

I'm a teacher.

All right, all right. Don't bite me head off. I'm only trying to be civil.

Here's something you won't be able to read a double meaning into.

What? You've got a cracking pair of legs.

Can't you start your painting somewhere else?

Sorry, Miss Barton's given us a detailed breakdown of where she wants us and

when. What about my clapping?

Well, we can work around it, she said. It's a matter of cooperation and

A very friendly relationship.

Well, I'm going to be in here four or five days.

Oh, God.

Or seven.

During which time I presumably have to endure your inane chauvinist drivel.

In case you hadn't noticed, Linda, you were the only person I was shy of at the

cricket match.

And why should I be the buff?

Because I think for you.

I think you should get something straight.

I find you totally obnoxious.

I wonder if Fred and Ginger used to bicker like me.

Mind you, I can't speak for the rest of the girls in my classes. It takes all

sorts.

As a matter of fact, I've got eight in my first class.

They'll probably think you're wonderful.

Well, world them in then, Linda.

Come along, girls. In you come.

Now, listen, girls.

These two gentlemen will be working here, and I don't want you to take any

notice of them.

Why?

Because Miss doesn't like me.

I like you.

I think you're a very perceptive young lady.

Has Miss got a boyfriend?

I don't think so.

Now, look.

He's going to be my boyfriend.

Sorry, I'm a married man.

You'd think that Miss would have a boyfriend, wouldn't you?

Yeah, but I don't think she likes me.

I don't think it's anything of the sort.

Come along, Chloe, and get deep attention.

play the piano for you i'd like you to get on with your painting oh no we can't

do that now we've got to wait for all this to dry firstly right come along

remember our warming up

Bloody police.

You've been round there six times since yesterday. I should think they're fed up

with the sight of you.

They're starting to laugh at me now, Veronica.

Of course they are.

You ask them to find your case and you won't even tell them what's in it.

I can't. I'm not allowed to.

I suppose they do find your case and ask you to identify the contents to prove

it's yours.

How can you identify the contents if you won't tell them what the contents are?

I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

It's not that they'll get the case back anyway. It could be anywhere by now.

Whatever possessed me to put it down just for one second, I do not know.

What happens if it falls into the wrong hands?

You're not telling me now it contains state secrets, are you? No, I mean alien

eyes. Spacemen? No.

I mean, someone who isn't in the lodge who wouldn't know what the hell it all

means. If they don't know what it means, it won't matter.

Won't matter?

There's a pair of gold -plated compasses in there.

No, there isn't.

I don't care if there's a whole geometry set in there. This whole thing is

becoming a total bore.

Oh, well, thank you, Veronica.

Thank you for heaping ridicule on the most awful thing that's ever happened to

me. Apart from marrying me, presumably.

Look, the reason I'm bored is because you've got the whole thing totally out

proportion.

All you do is phone up your lodge, ask to speak to your Archdeacon.

Archgriffin! Archgriffin.

And say, sorry, I've lost my things.

Can I have a new lot?

Well, I've heard of some crackpot schemes in my time. You don't know what

could do to me. What could they do to you?

I don't know.

I've never heard of a case of anybody losing a case before.

What I do know is that the Calamander General would be brought into it and

got this room in Erie.

Bed six.

A room from which strong men have emerged white as sheets.

Squasher Harris came out in tears.

All he'd done was get his words jumbled up when he had to say a certain phrase.

Get your wrists slapped if that's what it takes.

I'd have my hands and feet cut off if they'd forgive me. What terrifies me is

that they'd sling me out altogether.

Say they did, what would it actually mean?

It would mean that I would become the pariah of Motspur Park.

What would you be?

Nobody in Motspur Park knows that you belong to the thing in the first place.

Oh, I do hate it when you try to win an argument with this false logic of yours.

Yeah, that's my trouble. I should talk gibberish like you. Perhaps we get on

better. Oh, shut up.

It's out there somewhere.

Well, it would be, wouldn't it?

Where is it?

Where is it?

Why do you do it?

What?

Well, I've already noticed your body. You don't have to keep undressing in

of me. What do you want?

Your company and a chicken madras.

You really do fancy yourself, don't you? Not half as much as I fancy you.

It might interest you to know I'm not just a body, I've got a mind as well.

Well, while we're chatting over dinner, I'll probably fancy that too.

Thank you very much.

You'll probably like my mind as well.

That's supposed to make me fall at your feet.

Well, unless you'd like me to fall at yours.

No, I wouldn't.

Well, just stand here then and discuss the evening ahead of us, eh?

To get through to you is like banging your head against a brick wall.

Could you explain that, please, Linda?

In case you've forgotten, you behaved like a cretin while I was playing

Incidentally, did you win?

No. I didn't put you off, did I?

Don't flatter yourself.

I was only acting the cretin to get noticed, you know.

You certainly did that.

Good.

I do.

One notices a wart.

I'm a lot deeper than a wart, Linda.

All right.

I'll come out with you.

Great.

It's probably the quickest way in the long run.

How come?

Well, after ten minutes of tempted, intelligent conversation, you'll get

and revert to type.

Then I shall pour my curry over your head and walk out.

Yes. We will, won't we?

Oh, incidentally, we found your boss's case in our cricket bag.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

It's very difficult working for a man who's about to have a nervous breakdown.

I've telephoned him. I said I'd drop it round to his house after class.

Rightio.

Now, come along, ladies, too.

It's gone half past.

Oh, hello,

Gloria.

L -C -N -N.

Long time no see. Yes, I know.

I thought you might have come round...

See me one evening.

Gloria, how many times have I got to tell you you are my brother's wife?

And how many times have I got to tell you?

Reggie's on night.

There's no getting through to you, is there, Gloria?

Just for trying.

Isn't that my little hug?

Yes, it's very picturesque, Gloria.

You don't wear anything underneath it, because the ridges are... Shouldn't you

be limbering up?

For what?

Your class.

They're not all here yet.

Hmm.

Afterwards, I could either have a shower here or a long shower

at home.

I should have a shower here.

You ain't half a spoiled sponge.

I like living, that's all.

Oh, a bitch wouldn't need to know.

It's funny, these dance classes.

They're supposed to make you burn off excess energy.

But don't with me.

They just make me feel all flushed.

And gully.

Gloria, whiffs would make you feel all flushed and gully.

Oh, yeah.

Abundance declared.

Let's solo, Gloria.

Not if you come round tonight.

But I'll see you afterwards.

They ought to put that Gloria in a restraint harness.

Yeah, she'd probably like that.

What if you had just concealed yourself somewhere, waited till Gloria went home

and then picked up Linda as arranged?

A, I couldn't know what order they were going to leave in, and B, if I'd been

lurking anywhere nearby, that Gloria would have picked up my scent like a

bloodhound. Well, this Linda's not going to be thinking very highly of you at

the moment, is she?

Just a minute.

She's taking Lionel's case round his house tonight.

Well, I could catch up with her there.

Yeah, well, I'd wait until she's given Lionel the case, if I were you.

Because she might eat you round the head with it.

Well, there's life there, Tope.

See you later.

See you.

Do you think it's an actual medical condition with Gloria?

No.

She just fancies Jacko like mad, that's all.

It's not all.

She'll go for anything in trousers.

No, not go for.

That's flirting.

Difference in degree entirely, especially with Gloria.

Well, I feel very uncomfortable when she comes round here for tea, you know.

I know.

You do go some funny colours.

Well, so would you!

You're sitting here with your own wife in the room being squeezed up to the end

of the sofa by Gloria.

She always squeezes me up to the end of the sofa.

I noticed.

Don't it bother you?

No, I think it's quite funny, actually.

Why don't it bother you?

Well, I mean, she's hardly going to throw you on the table and ravage you

the fish paste sandwiches, is she?

No.

Well, she does things with her feet under the table.

No.

How do you know?

By the fear in your eyes.

Well, I don't see how you're going to be so calm about it.

I might be a husband and father, but I'm still a man.

Yeah, well, you'd have to be to be a husband and a father.

You know what I mean, Jean.

And you know what I mean.

I trust you.

Oh.

Oh, well, cheer up. That's meant to be a compliment.

I'm going to go and pick the kids up from Aunty Eunice, all right?

Being trustworthy don't make me less exciting, does it?

Gloria? Is Jack upstairs in his flat?

No, he's out. He went out.

He's gone?

Yeah.

Did he come in the day?

Uh, yeah.

Why not? Just go through.

Where's Jane?

Uh, collecting her kids.

She'll be back soon.

Oh.

Of course.

They didn't have newspapers in olden times.

No television, no radio.

Quiet.

What are you leading up to?

Nothing. The thought just popped into my head.

Sit down.

Give me a quick in the neck.

OK.

What is?

Your ears.

They're really dinky, aren't they?

No.

They're very ordinary ears.

No.

They're dinky.

As a matter of fact, you're a really dinky person altogether.

Dinky ears.

Dinky hair.

Dinky eyes.

Dinky... Auntie Eunice only lives up the road, Gloria.

What's the matter with you, Eric?

Well, in that case, could we stop talking about my physical attributes,

What I like about your dinky hair is the way it curls down your dinky neck.

Take your arm away, please, Gloria.

I can't. Why?

I've got my Joe in the wood caught in your jersey.

Well, pull it.

to take it off.

Oh, Gloria.

Oh, Mum!

Well, come round the front, then.

Oh, look how we've ended up.

Do try to cooperate, Gloria. We haven't got long.

Ask what's in there.

Sorry, dear, no.

Hand things.

You know, like your best handbag.

Handbags are not important, this is.

We're thinking of asking the Queen to lock it up with her crown jewels.

It hardly behoves you, Veronica, to come to comic now I've got it back.

When it came to finding it, you were worth and useless.

What did you expect me to do? I'm a private detective.

Show some initiative, like this little girl has.

Coming round my house?

Who's come round my house?

Hello, Jacko. Come in.

Hello, Mrs Bainbridge.

Hello, Linda.

Hello. Take a tip, my dear. Steer clear of this one. He's a wrong 'un.

Lionel's my press agent, incidentally.

Right, well, you need pressing. Do a bacon slicer.

Well -mannered rashers.

Is that a dig at me?

Look, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll be going. No, no, no, no. Not before I

reward you for your kindness.

No, thank you.

Women can be so silly when they get a lot of money in their hands.

My goodness.

You've got it on your shoulders.

Fancy being able to spot that flaw in your own sex.

You can take lessons here, Veronica.

I don't need to see the flaws in me, Lionel. You're always pointing them out

me. You try to get personal, don't you?

I must have caught it from somebody.

Veronica, there are people here.

Excluding you, yes.

You implying I'm subhuman?

No, I'm stating it as a fact. Oh, well, try this, besides.

If I'm subhuman, what's that make you?

Superhuman. Abhuman is the word I'd have used. There's no such word. Oh, there

is. It's abnormal.

Talking about yourself again.

Now look what you've done.

That young lady could have gone away with a wrong impression of me.

There is no wrong impression of you. What you see is what you get, a slob.

That's it.

I'm going to the lodge.

lager, please. Elmo?

Two bottles of lager, please.

Hello, Jacko.

New one.

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.

Come on, Elmo. We're dying for a drink. Hurry up.

All right, all right. It's not the bleeding Olympics.

What's the matter?

It's my shoulder. It's like all along there, down there and down there.

You been trying to train that dog again?

No, putting on me barrels.

You know, I wasted an hour and a half at that. Oh, it'll be morning.

waited and waited, finally got called into this room. What am I faced with?

Woman doctor.

I turned round and walked out.

Why should you do that?

Well, you do, don't you?

I don't. Well, no, you're a woman.

I mean, women doctors, all right for women. They have the same organs.

I think the BMJ would be interested in that, Elmo.

What, a motorbike firm?

really thing is that you doubt the professional competence of women as

Yes, that's the reason.

What reason would that be?

Well, they're women.

Yeah, well, you thought that one through, yeah.

Unbelievable. And there's another thing. What if she'd asked me to take my

clothes off?

She'd have been making a sacrifice in the line of duty.

What would she have had?

I'm not having her goggling at me in a buff.

But you don't think women should worry about undressing in front of males,

Doctor? No.

I know I'm not going to like the answer, but why?

Well, because women are more used to undressing than men.

I hope your shoulder gets better soon.

Well, thank you, Miss.

And then I hope your head falls off.

So, come to Revolution.

All us blokes are in for a bit of that, are we?

Come my revolution, nobody is in for a bit of that.

Oh.

So what about this curry, then?

Yeah, what about it?

I see.

You're upset because I didn't turn up at the dance studio, aren't you?

More intrigued, actually.

I mean, you spent all that time trying to persuade me to come out with you, and

when I finally agree, you don't turn up.

Why?

In a word, Gloria.

Who? My sister -in -law. She's in your dance class.

And without putting too fine a point on it, she's predatory.

And before you say you don't like that explanation, let me just tell you this.

You don't have to. I know who you mean.

She scares the life out of the caretaker at the studio and he's 83 years old.

It's not as though she likes me as a person. She just treats me as a sex

It gets on your nerves, does it? Yeah, it does.

It would you if you... Cheers.

Cheers.

Well, here we are, then.

Two little sex objects together.

I think we should console each other, don't you?

What a good idea.

Think it, Linda.

Have you ever made love with your wicket -keeper's pads on?

No, I haven't. Are they a fetish of yours?

Oh, no, no, straight as a dimey.

I hope you don't mind.

Freed, I'll do.

Mita!

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you, because of you.

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