Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you, because of you.

Lovely that you turned up.

Well, I said I would.

So you did.

Tell me something. Do all nuns get demobbed at this ungodly hour? I don't

whether I'm frightened or relieved.

Well, I know what I am.

Starving. Did you ever get a good fright for breakfast in here? No.

Right.

Well, that's going to be your first worldly pleasure.

Mmm.

Oh, I did enjoy that, I'm afraid.

It's all right. You're allowed to.

Third? Oh, no, thanks.

I couldn't.

So how did the Mother Superior take it when you told her you weren't going to

take your final vows?

Philosophically. Well, not without an argument first, I bet. Oh, no.

She's a terror to unpersuade.

Don't I know it?

I painted her cloisters, remember?

Could I persuade her that one undercoat was enough?

Anyway, it's done, and here I am. Yeah, murdering mushrooms like a veteran.

Jacko, I'm sorry to have phoned you, but you're the only person I know outside.

Out here.

Celia, I gave you my number.

Well, now you're in Civvy Street, you don't just intend to roll the dice and

what happens, do you? Don't worry. I don't intend to become an albatross

your neck.

No, my parents have sent me a plane ticket, so I'm flying off to New Zealand

Friday. The flying nun, eh?

So that leaves you three days to tread water.

Well, I thought I might stay at a little hotel.

Perhaps you could help me find one.

Oh, no problem.

It's a shame I let the sweet go at Claridge's. You could have stayed there.

Pay your fix for ready.

Pardon? Money.

Oh, no trouble there. I've got £35.

How much?

£35. I thought £10 a night for the hotel and £5 for food.

Celia, where have you been?

Of course I know where you've been.

Which is why I'm here to tell you that you're financially behind the times.

Oh, dear.

Things have gone up that much, have they? Oh, and more.

For what you're talking about, well, you couldn't park yourself like a car.

I see.

I'd help you out myself, but I've just put the deposit down on my holiday.

Where are you going?

Barbados. Lovely.

Right, we've got to find somebody to put you up.

Couldn't I stay here?

No, that wouldn't be a good idea.

I don't see why not.

That's exactly why it wouldn't be a good idea.

Don't move, Sandra.

Stay exactly where you are.

It's not a wasp, is it?

No. Standing there, you look for all the world like the famous historical

figure. It wouldn't be Lady Godiva, would it?

No, the famous figure I was thinking of was the blessed Saint Sandra of Padua.

Who? Saint Sandra, who was much loved throughout Europe for her act of

generosity and compassion.

What do you want?

Some Francis of Assisi spoke very highly of her, you know.

I think they went out together a couple of times.

What do you want?

I don't think they did much.

Just went for a ride on his donkey.

Got some invasive pigeons to the station.

If you had a donkey, you'd talk its hind leg off. Now, what do you want?

A favour.

Never. Oh, straight up, Sandra.

Look, I want you to put somebody up for three nights.

Somebody who's alone, very innocent and very nice.

That's not how I'd describe you.

No, not me. Celia. Remember her?

Celia. Oh, that novice you were involved with.

I wasn't involved with her, Sandra. She ran away from the convent and I took her

back. And now she's run away again.

Isn't it about time she made her mind up?

Oh, she has. She's given the whole idea the elbow.

Anyway, she's going to her parents in New Zealand in a couple of days and,

it's just for the inquiry.

Oh, I would help, Jacko, I really would.

But you don't know Mr Da Vinci.

Oh, not, er... My landlord.

Oh. If he found out I had somebody staying with me, I'd be out on the

Sorry.

Eric and Jean.

No, I've tried them.

He's got half his family staying with him this week.

As it is, I think his aunt Tilly's got to sleep in the sink.

Oh, wait a minute.

You've got a brother, haven't you?

Yeah, but Gloria.

That's a funny name for a brother.

His wife.

What about her?

Well, we had some difficulties.

Your sister -in -law?

I was the injured party.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm sorry, but I can't think of anything else to suggest.

I am puzzled, though.

Why? Well, you.

Trying to get a girl not to sleep in your flat.

It's not a very nice way for a taint to speak.

Something good has come out of this conversation, though. What's that?

You're Mr Da Vinci.

Who?

He was the reason you wouldn't let me stay at your flat the other night.

Not because you didn't want me to.

Yes, Celia?

I'm ever so glad I'm sleeping with you.

Are you?

Yeah. That's reassuring, isn't it? Sleeping with somebody you know.

It's the point of you, Celia, yeah.

Good night.

Good night.

Jacko?

Yeah?

What are you laughing at, Celia?

Just wondering what Mother Superior would think.

I don't know, but I bet she'd be shaking her head while she was thinking it, eh?

It's funny sleeping in a man's bedroom.

I do it all the time.

For me, I mean.

Jackal. I'll go to sleep, Celia, please.

Yes, of course.

I'll just say my prayers.

Yeah, I think I'll have a little prayer and all.

Where's Jacko?

Jacko? Yes, I saw him come in here.

Oh, that Jacko. Well, yeah, he did, but he just bought a packet of crisps and

went out the backwoods.

Blast. I wouldn't run away if you chased me.

You would, because I'd be driving a bulldozer.

Well, there was no call for that.

Cheers, Elmo, you're a mate.

Yeah, I know, five quid.

And they say friendship can't be bought.

Yes, they do.

I wouldn't run away if she chased me.

Yes, you would. She'd be driving a bulldozer.

That's what she said.

Yes, I know you couldn't. I was down there with you. Well, anyway, why are

running away from her? Are you going funny or what?

Look, Elmo, I'll explain.

What's your favourite chocolate?

Coffee cream.

Right. Now, let's say you had a whole box of coffee creams.

Nothing but coffee creams.

Now, in the end, you'd be a bit sick of them, wouldn't you?

No.

All right, say you had another box, then another box, then another box.

Well, at the end of that, you'd fancy something else, wouldn't you?

No.

Why not?

Because I like coffee, Chris.

Oh, all right, Elmo, put it another way. Take Salome. Now, that is an Italian

sausage, isn't it? Oh, forget it.

I've got to ask you a favour.

Oh. Jacko.

Hello, Veronica.

Hello, Mrs Bainbridge. Elmo.

Right, well, I'll see you then. I've got to go because I was about to be going.

I want to talk to you, Jack. It won't take five minutes, I promise.

Do you want a drink?

No, thank you.

We'll sit down then, shall we? Yeah.

Oh, bleeding great, isn't it? It's supposed to be a pub where people drink,

drink.

I came round to your flat the other morning, but Eric said you were out.

I did say you called.

Did you see how stupid I looked?

Of course you didn't. Well, I felt it.

I'd had another bust -up with Lionel and I acted on impulse.

I never should have gone through with it because I just ended up feeling

embarrassed. And if you'd been in, you'd have been embarrassed too.

Time, please.

Look, I saw you coming up the road and I did a bunk out the back door.

See what I mean?

Embarrassing. I'm sorry.

Well, that said, I don't have too much dignity left, but what I have got I

to hang on to, I suppose.

I shan't be doing it again.

Well, I must admit to feeling relieved.

Honest as usual.

Lionel's very fond of you, you know.

Is he?

I get the feeling that I rank somewhere between his power drill and his carpet

slippers.

He's just not very good with words, that's all. Oh, I don't know. He calls

some choice ones when he feels like it. Nice words.

Oh, I don't expect him to wax poetic.

Do you know, when he proposed, all he said was, what about it?

Still, at least he meant it. Nowadays, I feel like the enemy indoors.

Well, I think he needs to be taught a sharp lesson.

That's where you were going to be.

Oh. Not that I'd have told him, but I'd have known.

I don't know what to say. No, you don't know how to say anything. I just want

you to know that when you see me in future, you don't know how to disappear

the nearest manhole.

Thanks, Veronica.

I'm sorry things are rotten indoors.

Who was it who said every cloud has a silver lining?

Michael Fish.

Because I'd like to get hold of him and punch his face in. Ta -ra.

Bye, Veronica.

Take care.

Not that you're drinking anything, but it is time.

All right, all right.

Elmo, sit down.

I was going to ask you a favour, wasn't I?

Another favour, yeah.

Now, listen.

Now, I've got this girl staying with me at the moment. Girl staying with you?

Yeah, yeah, go on, go on.

Not that sort of girl.

She was a novice. And now you're taught. Yeah, yeah, go on, go on.

Elmo, please. Now, listen.

She's going home to New Zealand in a couple of days and I just think it's

if she stays somewhere else at the moment.

Now, I was wondering about that room you've got upstairs.

What? Put her up here?

I know it's a lot to ask.

Yeah, yeah, that'd be all right.

Eh? She could stay here.

Elmo, you just charged me five pounds to hide behind your bar. How much is this

going to cost me? Don't insult me, Jacko.

This is a friend doing a friend a favour.

Well, there's no need to look so surprised. I'm a human being, aren't I?

got decent feelings like everybody else.

I'm sorry, Elmo.

Yeah, well, you just bring the young lady round whenever you want to.

Thanks very much.

Look, shouldn't you square it with Rose first, make it official?

No, no, there's no need.

Well, I'd feel happier.

It's all right.

Do you want me to talk to her?

You can't. She's out at the moment.

Well, when will she be back?

Wednesday week.

When?

Wednesday week.

You dirty git.

That's right. Throw humanity back in my face.

If I did, it'd be in a lead box.

See you.

I bought a new dress.

Do you like it?

Very nice.

Oh, a terrible indulgence. I feel so guilty.

But you mustn't keep feeling guilty every time you enjoy yourself.

Not that. I could only afford it at all because you won't take any money from

me. Oh, that's all right. I'd have only spent it on loose... Well, it would have

ended up as loose change.

And I'd have spent it anyway.

So long since I've worn a bright colour.

Yeah, it must be.

I mean, your nun's habit isn't exactly your little black dress, is it? No, it's

not. I've cooked us some dinner. I hope you like it.

Smells good.

Here we are.

Oh.

Looks good.

This is lovely, isn't it?

Very convivial, Celia, yes.

What shall we do after dinner?

Well, I thought we'd, er... Out. I'm going out.

And, er...

I won't be back till late and you'll probably be asleep.

So I'll see you in the morning, eh?

Yeah, right you are.

You've got the telly. You can always watch Dallas.

What's Dallas?

Well, it's a bit like life round here, really.

Only they wear bigger hats.

I've just had a thought.

Well, ring up the BBC. They'll put it on the nine o 'clock news.

That girl you wanted me to put up. Is there something wrong with her?

No. Well, why didn't you want it to stay at your flat then?

Because I don't trust myself, Elmo.

Oh, I see. She wouldn't have it.

Yeah, something like that, yeah.

Now, other one within here, lunchtime, looking for you.

Leslie.

Oh, wonderful.

Yeah, it would be.

She said she'd be back this evening.

Right, I'm off then.

What is the matter with you?

Running away from women and don't start on about coffee creams again.

You're not going funny, are you?

Still hasn't dung on you, has it?

What hasn't?

Well, it's not me Ledley's after.

It's you.

Get off!

No, it's true, Elmo. How many times has she come round here saying she's looking

for me? A lot.

Well, exactly.

It's a pretext.

Is it?

What's as plain as the nose on your face?

Well, why does she always insult me then?

That's her way.

Well, she called me grotesque the other week.

Well, what did you say?

Oh, nothing. I just went red.

Well, there you are then.

You're not responding to her overture.

How is calling somebody grotesque an overture?

Look, with somebody like Leslie, it is.

She thrives on sparks.

Give her some of her own medicine back and she'll melt.

What? Melt?

She'd be like putty in your hands.

See you, Elmer. Yeah, yeah, all right.

Has Jacko been in this evening?

Look, why don't you come straight to the point? I just did.

Rubbish.

Don't you take that tone of voice with me.

You love it.

Are you drunk?

Clued up, that's what I am.

Clued up on what?

Gibberish? You.

What are you talking about?

You don't have to play the innocent with me. We both know what you really come

round here for, don't we?

What? Me.

You're deranged.

Next question.

When and where?

Us? Yeah.

When? Not in a million years.

Where? Nowhere, except in that poor, tortured thing between your eyes that

passes for a brain.

See you, toots!

Are you going out again tonight?

Well, it's for the best, Celia.

Why? Well, just because.

Anyway, I'll see you in the morning.

And then it's off to Kiwiland to see your mum and dad.

You can watch Dynasty tonight.

What's Dynasty?

What's the same as Dallas, only they call it Dynasty.

I didn't really understand Dallas.

Oh, you're not meant to make any sense of it.

I'll see you in the morning, eh? Yeah, all right.

Cheer up.

I'm all right.

What's the matter?

Just that it's my last night in London and sitting here on my own watching

Dallas or Dynasty or whatever just seems a bit flat.

Oh, dear.

Still.

Yes, still, eh?

Yes.

All right, get your coat on.

Why? Because we're going out. It's your last night. I can't promise you supper

at the Savoy Grill and a carriage home, but you'll have a good time.

Oh, Jackal.

You bug.

Hello, Sandra.

Is Lionel in? Yes, but he's on the phone at the moment.

Ah.

It's all right, I'll wait.

Right.

Do you believe in alternative medicine?

My granny was a herbalist. Was she?

No, actually, it's osteopathy that caught my eye.

Why's that?

Twinges. Getting these nasty twinges.

I think it's because I've been overstretching with me roller.

Yeah. Strangely enough, I was talking to this osteopath.

And do you know what he reckoned I needed?

A broken neck?

No.

Manipulation. Good heavens above.

And funnily enough... because a lot of research has gone into this, he reckons

that a woman's touch is far more efficacious than a man's, when it comes

particular type of twinge.

How extraordinary.

And it'll really blow your mind.

This same research revealed that of all the women in the UK, those from the

North East have the most soothing and curative touch of all.

And I'm from the North East.

By jingo, Sandra, of course you are.

How about a rub down, then?

No chance.

You'll be sorry you said that when I'm confined to the painter's home for

nasty twinges.

I'll live with it.

Oh, here. I know what I wanted to ask you.

You want me to give you a rubdown?

No. Did you find somewhere for Celia to stay?

Yeah, I did.

Where? My flat.

Oh, I see.

Oh, what do you see?

Oh, it's none of my business.

For someone who shrinks away from physical contact of any kind, Sandra.

There's some very rude recesses in your mind.

They must be working with you.

Mr Bainbridge is free now.

Ta.

Oh, I really should get someone to help me with this.

You're all I need.

Nice to see you too, Lionel.

Close the door.

Now what do you want?

Can I have the afternoon off?

No. Oh, go on, Lionel. It's not a grandmother's funeral job.

I want to see a friend off at Gatwick. You haven't got any friends.

Yes, I have. I've got you.

Ah, go on, clear off. Have the afternoon off. Just get out of my sight.

Thanks, Lionel. She'll be ever so grateful.

Oh, one of your bits of fluff, is it?

Now you've had your fun with her, you're getting shot of her, are you?

Something like that, yeah.

And to think that my Leslie, my angel of a daughter, goes around verbally saying

she loves you.

Funny old world, isn't it? Goes through me like hot rubs it does.

Look, Lionel, I'm not completely without compassion. I'll tell you something.

I do not love your lovely.

And I don't want her to love me back.

Are you trying to torture me?

It's true.

Well, for pity's sake, tell her. Put me out of my misery.

I have, but she won't take no for an answer.

Oh, God.

It's worse than I thought.

Everywhere I look, blackness.

I might as well be six foot under with the worms to bury my innards.

You're depressed, aren't you? Oh, you're quick.

Oh, cheer up, Lionel.

Just be thankful you've got such a nice wife.

Nice wife?

Bloody savage.

Woman's a savage.

Veronica. Mrs Bainbridge to you. And yes, puts me through the mangle every

I go home, she does.

I find that hard to believe.

You want to try living with her. If it's not wine, wine, wine, it's a barrage of

silence.

Look, have you ever considered she might have a legitimate grouse about you?

How can she have?

Well, perhaps she thinks you're not contributing enough to the relationship.

Rubbish. I'm a smashing bloke.

She's just too stupid to see it.

The trouble with smashing blokes like you, Lionel, is they tend to hide their

smashingness under a bushel.

Yeah, well, perhaps I do.

That's the way I'm made.

Well, I'd stop being a shrinking violet and show Mrs Bainbridge how much you

really care.

What would you do, then?

Well, nothing too ostentatious.

Just take her home a big bunch of flowers.

And that's it, is it?

I have offered that woman deep fat fryers and sunbeds.

Flowers are different.

Yeah, they are. They die and you don't get your money's worth back.

Well, I said my piece.

I think she'll respond to flowers. Oh, what do you know, anyway? Go on, push

off. Get your bit of skirt out of the country.

I'd think about it. I don't need to think about anything you've told me.

Flowers.

Chandra, is he gone?

Get me a florist, would you? There's a good girl.

I had a lovely time last night, Jakku.

So did I.

I'll always remember it.

Good. Now, have you got everything?

Yeah. Oh, no.

I meant to buy that pipe for my dad and I clean forgot.

Well, don't worry. There's a little shop just round the corner.

You've got plenty of time.

Go and get it. OK.

Won't be long.

I'll finish off your luggage tickets, just in case you forget who you are.

isn't she?

Leslie, this is not a public building.

I'm not the public.

Listen, I've got two tickets for the Sinatra concert. They're like gold dust.

Well, sell them then.

No, we can be both friends.

Leslie, we were never just friends.

We were lovers.

Which isn't the same.

As in the past, things have changed.

Yes, I can see that.

Moved in, has she?

No, she's just been staying for a couple of days.

Well, I'd have thought you could have done better than a little mouth like

Leslie, that little mouse, as you call her, has got more compassion in her

little finger than you've got in your entire body.

Oh, I see. One of the butter -wouldn't -melt -in -the -mouth type who goes off

bang once you get her into bed.

Not that it's any of your business, but I haven't been to bed with her. What?

I haven't been to bed with her. This is me you're talking to.

Well, I wasn't telling it to the wardrobe.

You've got faults, plenty of them, but you've never lied to me before.

I'm not lying now.

Don't treat me like a fool.

Look, if you want to have one of your tantrums, Leslie, go home and do it in

your playpen.

My God.

I really thought I was in love with you.

And you mean you're finally not?

I hate you.

Great. Talk about the scales falling from my eyes. I finally see you for what

you are.

An arrogant, self -seeking... Common.

Common, nasty... Little yob. Little yob.

And I never want to see you again.

Where's my dinner?

Where were you when they handed out manners, Lionel Bainbridge? Just once,

like to hear... Hello, love.

They're flowers.

I know.

I got them from a florist.

Well,

take them, then.

They're lovely.

Oh, you like them, then, do you?

Of course I like them.

See those there?

Three pound fifty of blue.

They come from a special greenhouse.

They're lovely.

And those, a girl in the shop said no one ever buys six of those.

You bought me flowers.

I know.

I'm just telling you how classy they are.

You never buy me flowers.

You'd sooner have that thumb bed, wouldn't you? No.

These are so precious because... Why did you buy them?

Why? Yes.

Well, cos I was in the office and... Oh, look, Veronica, I'm not a monster.

Of course you're not.

Monsters don't buy flowers.

I mean, I know things have been a bit on the dodgy side with us lately, so I

thought... I thought... I thought... I know what you mean, Lionel.

Do you?

That's amazing.

I'm sorry I called you a loudmouth pig last night.

Oh, well, six of one, half dozen of the other. Perhaps I shouldn't have thrown

your souffle through the kitchen window.

Lots of silly things like that keep happening lately.

But you bought me flowers.

Oh, look, if you like them that much, I'll do a stand -in order with the

florists. Get them to send you a big bunch every day.

I'd sooner have some sort of personal contact every day.

What do you mean?

Not necessarily.

A bit of caring, a bit of affection.

When was the last time you kissed me?

Er, let's see.

Boxing day, that party.

That was a forfeit, Lionel.

It wasn't because you wanted to.

Well, I want to now, if you must know.

Come on, then.

Hello.

Hello, Angel. How are you?

Seeing again. That's how I am.

I'd finish with that slug jacker once and forever.

I hate him.

Did you hear that, Veronica? Isn't it wonderful?

Is it that important?

Of course it is. We were talking about something rather important too, weren't

we? About caring and affection.

Yeah, you're right about that. There's times when it can have very healing

properties. You've got it, Lionel. I know.

I'd better go up and see her in case she's crying.

That girl who passed me on the stairs at your flat, is she your girlfriend?

Leslie. It used to be.

Thought of.

Did you sleep with her?

Celia.

Here. You're not a gothic columnist masquerading as a novice, are you?

Sorry. In the bath.

Very pretty.

Yes, she is.

Do you like those sort of looks?

Hello.

Welcome to the normal world.

Come on.

They always seem to be saying goodbye.

Never mind.

Look, if I get picked for the MCC site, the Tour New Zealand, I'll look you up,

eh? Bye, Jacko.

You've been really lovely to me.

Bye, Celia.

Give my love to your mum and dad.

You don't know them.

I'll give them my love anyway.

Take care of yourself, Celia.

I have to tell you a secret.

The Mother Superior does know you've gone, doesn't she? I mean, I haven't

unwittingly engineered an escape.

Those nights at your flat, you know, if you'd wanted to get

into bed with me, I wouldn't have said no.

Celia.

Ben, you're such a fine man, but I don't expect the thought ever entered your

head.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature. You love nature.

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