Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, oh.

Oh, yeah.

Two bottles of lather, please, Elmo. Right.

Here. What you two doing here at Monday lunchtime?

Well, if you must know, Elmo, we're doing a report on your pub for the

Guide. Well, that is where you show how ignorant you are. Because Michelin don't

know anything about pubs. They make tires.

Do they?

I don't know why you do it, Jacko.

You're in with a marker of verbal pyrotechnics. Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute.

What? They make fires.

Who do?

Pyrotechnics. Sorry, Elmo. Must have got the wrong word. I wasn't born

yesterday, you know.

Just as well, Elmo.

I'd hate to see you behind that bar in a giant nappy.

Oi! Oi!

What? Those aren't my sandwiches you're eating.

No, I know. They're edible.

These are the sandwiches you're supposed to be eating in here.

We don't like the way they move about the plate of their own accord.

Well, I should hate to see them when you're not trying.

Well, actually, I'm thinking of expanding.

You'll go off bank.

Facilities! Facilities!

I'm thinking of making food a feature in the pub.

Like the Chamber of Horrors?

Seriously, Ed. What would you think of me laying on a buffet?

You'd squash the sandwiches.

A couple of know -nothings.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Andy Warhol and why people paid him money. Oh, yeah.

Why did they? God knows.

You think it'd be?

Hello. It's your little shadow.

Hello, Jacko.

Hello, Lindley. Hello, Eric.

Hello, Miss Bainbridge.

How did you know I was here?

Well, I knew you were working just around the corner, so I thought, where

Jacko go for lunch? And I just popped in on the off chance.

Oh. Can I get you a drink? White wine, please.

You don't look very pleased to see me.

Oh, I am. I just didn't know I was going to.

Oh, well, the thing is, Leslie, we're doing some overtime and I don't really

know what time we'll finish.

Well, we didn't go out last night.

No, I know we didn't.

Thank you.

I shall go careful with that. It's Albanian.

You mustn't keep buying me presents, Leslie.

I don't want to.

Thank you. Aren't you going to open it?

Oh, Leslie.

Don't you like it?

No, I really... I'll change it if you don't like it. No, you mustn't keep

spending your money on me.

Well, that is money, then.

I'll have it if you don't want it.

So what about this evening, Jacko?

Well, as I said, Leslie, we're doing some overtime and it's difficult to know

what time we'll finish.

Isn't it, Eric?

Eric?

Oh, yes, it is.

Virtually impossible to say. By the time I've got home and Washington changed,

well, it could be very late. As a matter of fact, I told my wife not even to

bother to wait up for me.

You see?

It doesn't matter.

Whatever the time, you just phone me when you're ready.

Right, I'll do that, then.

I'll see you tonight.

Thanks for the drink, Eric. It was beautiful.

I love you.

What's the matter with you, then?

Well, she's getting a bit much, isn't she?

Keeps telling me she loves me, finding me wherever I go.

I'm frightened to open a tin of baked beans in case she pops out.

This must have cost a bomb, you know. And that's another thing.

She keeps buying me presents.

You see one, no one likes Albania.

There's no denying Leslie's a cracking girl, but she's getting so serious.

Clingy.

I'll be honest, Derek.

It's all beginning to pull.

Yeah, I can understand that.

Can you?

Well, look at the facts.

There she is, the rich, beautiful redhead who showers you with presents.

Can't get enough of you and obeys your every whim.

Must be unbearable.

What do you and Lionel do in the evening, Veronica?

Oh, lots of things.

Chat, laugh, play games, lots of things.

What?

I was just saying to myself, much more of this excitement and I shall have to

watch my blood pressure.

Doesn't very well you being funny about blood pressure.

You're not a father.

Is that an accusation?

Yeah, it is.

I'm accusing you of not caring about our daughter, my angel.

Do you have to call her that?

Yeah, she loves it.

No, she doesn't. She does.

Little phrase I coined for her when she was born.

Was I there?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that you are totally preoccupied with Leslie. All I hear is

Leslie, Leslie.

She's in love with that toe -rag jacko. We should be preoccupied. Just leave it

alone, little pass.

You've been saying that from the very beginning. I did leave it alone. Look

where it's got me.

You call sending Leslie on a three -week holiday to forget him, leaving it

alone? I had to do something. You did. You gave her time to think. That's when

she decided she loved him.

That's what really gets me.

That's what really gnaws at my vitals.

How can my angel love a creature like him?

It's not that impossible to believe.

Of course it is.

For a duck, he's ugly.

Ugly as thick.

No, he's not. He's a good -looking boy.

Rubbish. I'm good -looking. I know what good -looking is.

He's got the manners of a gutter, Snipe. Don't agree with you. Jacko has got

very good natural manners. He's as thick as the Rhine on a bit of Stilton.

Now, that is nonsense.

Jacko can talk very intelligently on a wide range of subjects. That just word

doesn't mean anything.

And he's devious.

I'd say with a very open person.

God's wallop, he's a malign influence on my daughter. No, he's not. As a matter

of fact, any woman might think herself very lucky to have Jacko. God, to hear

you talk, Veronica, anyone would think you fancied him yourself.

And another thing... Oh, shut up!

Oh, shut up!

That's nice, isn't it?

That's what passes the conversation in this house.

You wanted to see me, Lionel? Yeah.

Close the door.

Sit down.

I want to have a little chat.

Fine. Now, you know I hate you, don't you?

It'll be a friendly chat, is it?

I'm a fair man and I would not let personal feelings interfere with the

advancement of your career.

What are you up to?

Put it this way.

Say I'm the manager of Tool Key United Football Club.

All right.

You're the manager of Tool Key United Football Club. Now, on my books, I've

a brilliant young striker and West Ham know about it.

Johnny Lyle comes up with a six -figure bid.

Can I, in all conscience, stand in the way?

And my young striker's career.

See what I'm getting at? Yeah.

West Ham want me to play for them.

I was being allegorical.

Oh. They want me to paint their stand.

I'm over your head, aren't I?

Substitute British Petroleum for West Ham.

They haven't got a football team.

Brown.

Listen.

A friend of mine tells me there's an opening for a foreman painter. Three

the money you can earn here.

Where would this job be, Lionel? On an oil rig in a minute and all six.

By a suspicious nature, Lionel, I think you were trying to get rid of me.

All right.

I am.

Don't sneeze at it.

It's good money.

They have all the latest videos.

Proper cooks.

Long way to commute.

No, thanks, Lionel, no. Sea breezes give me chat lips.

Come on in.

How much do you want to stop seeing my Leslie?

I'll tell you what I don't want.

I don't want you or anyone else trying to run my life for me.

I don't take kindly to it.

What, are you pretending to have principles?

Not pretending, no.

And you ought to be grateful.

Grateful? Why?

Because if I didn't have principles, I could have took that job and your Leslie

with me.

I'm just looking something up.

There's your coffee.

Did you say you're all right?

Directorial pressure, Sandra. Nothing that concerns you.

Oh.

Sandra.

Yes, Mr Bainbridge?

Come sit down with me.

Do you know, Sandra, I was thinking about you last night.

Were you, Mr Bainbridge?

Do you know what I was thinking about?

No, Mr Bainbridge. I was thinking what a super young couple you and Jacko would

make. Jacko?

Yeah, he's a fine young man.

But you hate him.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Well, you're always shouting at him and calling him names. Oh, that.

No, that's just men's rough humour.

Underlying that.

Unspoken, maybe. He's a very deep affection.

Well, if you say so.

I do. I idolise that boy.

I don't think he's aware of it. And I idolise you.

You're very fond of everybody today.

No. No, not everybody. Just you two young people.

It's funny. When I see you two together, I think, it's right.

It is so right.

It's so transparent as well.

What is?

You want to use me to break up Jacko and your daughter.

I know. What kind of man do you take me for?

As soon as you didn't ask that, Mr Bainbridge, what's more important is

kind of a girl do you take me for?

A charming, intelligent... Idiot.

Because only an idiot would fall for a stupid idea like that.

Find somebody else.

Better still, put a dress on and go out with Jacko yourself.

Ha!

Unisex oil rigs?

Never. Oh, that's got to happen, Eric.

A load of blokes all cooped up together for long periods.

Bad for morale.

These women are going to work on the oil rig, then. What are they?

Workmates or hostesses?

Workmates. Same money, same job.

With no unfair advantages to the men.

Except, of course, the women have got nowhere to run to.

You know, if I was to make a pile of all the sandwiches Gene must have cut for

me, I reckon he'd be hired in St Paul's.

You can put them away.

Are you addressing us, mine host? Yeah, you've got no excuse now bringing your

own lunch in. I have gone hot.

Funny time of life, Elmer.

Look at the board, look at the board.

What are toasted sandwiches, Elmer?

Toasted. That's not how you spell toasted. It is. Not at my school.

All right then, that mine host business you call me, how do you spell host?

Oh, all right. H -O -A -S -T.

Well, in that case, I'll stand corrected. I'm sorry.

Sir, do you want one?

Want what?

Toasted sandwich.

No, thanks.

Toasted sandwich, miss.

Don't be absurd.

Oh.

Well, come on. Somebody have one. Play the game.

Hello. Look, Leslie, I thought we'd agreed about lunchtime.

I was passing.

No, you weren't, because you came in.

Would you like to try the Albanian red today?

Nothing, thanks.

Well, I'll see you back down there then, Jacko.

I want to pop down the what's -her -name and get some what's -its.

See you.

He's very discreet, isn't he?

He shouldn't have to be, Leslie.

Is your lunchtime so sacrosanct?

No. Would you like to talk about football?

I don't know anything about football.

No? To Eric?

He's gone.

As a general lunchtime rule.

I'm quite happy to just sit here.

Oh, look, Leslie, you were never like this when we first went out.

You had a bit more oomph about you then.

I thought you didn't like me, bossy. I don't.

But I don't like you so blooming humble either.

How would you like me to be?

Oh, this is hopeless.

All right, Leslie, I'll tell you.

And I should have told you a long time ago.

The way I'd like you to be is away from me.

For how long?

Forever.

Look,

it's not working, is it?

It's too one -sided. And don't say it doesn't matter, because it's not fair on

you and it's not fair on me.

I feel suffocated.

Let's call it a day, eh?

I'm sorry, Sandra.

Friday traffic.

Why you can't collect your wages at lunchtime like Eric, I don't know.

Something cropped up.

Anyway, I prefer to collect them now.

Lunchtime, it's full of money -grabbing painters.

There's no chance for that one -to -one contact that you and I enjoy so much,

eh?

I hope to goodness they don't have a lady gravedigger when you're laid to

because I swear you'd chat her up from inside the coffin.

Not necessarily.

I might have someone in there with me.

I wouldn't put that past you.

It's always the same with us, isn't it, Sandra?

We start off with the cheery banter, then suddenly there's a moment...

When we go very quiet and very serious.

No, there's not.

Anyway, very quietly and very seriously, what are you doing tomorrow?

Playing in golf at Thunderland. Why?

I thought we might spend Saturday together.

You what?

Oh, you still play?

I'll stand behind the goal and talk to you through the net.

I don't believe you.

Well, to be brutally frank, Sandra, I don't believe you either.

In case it's escaped your notice, you are going out with Leslie.

No, I'm not. It's over.

I've packed her in.

Until Sunday, presumably. No, seriously, Sandra.

It's all over and done with.

Prove it.

Well, we didn't sign a contract in each other's blood.

Why would you pack Leslie in?

Mind your own business.

You really have?

Yes, I have.

So what about tomorrow?

No. Why?

Mind your own business.

If this was chess, Sandra, it's what I would call a stalemate.

Well, it's not exactly the most flattering set of circumstances, is it?

Look, Sandra, I asked you out honestly.

Either you want to come out honestly or you don't.

What time tomorrow, then?

One o 'clock in the pub.

Well, I'll be there.

Meaning? You'd better be.

Oh, I've had a thought.

There's a surprise.

As we're going out tomorrow, why don't we go out tonight as well?

I can't.

Why not?

Because I've got to see Laurie McMenemy about not claiming gold tomorrow.

Leslie come home last night?

Yes, I heard her bedroom door go.

You seen her this morning?

No. You seen me this morning?

Well, you're standing here with my coffee, aren't you?

I'm, er... I didn't mean to shout last night.

Yeah, and I didn't mean to sleep on the choker after our day's work, did I?

I just got carried away.

I was trying to make you understand how I feel.

Probably best if Leslie has a lie in.

Must be very deleterious to her, going out with an oaf -like jacko.

How I feel.

What? I want you to understand how I feel.

In the pink is how you should feel.

You've got a gorgeous daughter, a lovely home, wardrobe full of cloak, kitchen

full of gadgets, car of your own.

And me.

You're on about that sunbed, aren't you? No, of course I'm not. Oh, well, have

the bloody thing then. I just don't see the need for all this rigmarole of you

upstairs and me downstairs.

I don't want a sunbed. If I say you're having a sunbed, you're having a sunbed.

I could use it, my easiest bed back you've given me.

Lionel, it really is very important that you understand how I am feeling.

Because if you don't, well, I don't know, I'll... Oh, threats, is it? You're

what? I feel as if I'm on the edge of a precipice and I don't want to jump, but

if you don't do something about it, I shall.

Why don't you go and have some Valium? It might calm you down. I don't want any

Valium. I want something from you.

You're talking in riddles.

You know your trouble, don't you?

Tell me, Lionel. You're too self -centred.

What? Yeah.

You should be thinking about Leslie.

She's the one with a problem.

That's what you think, mate.

very cheerful for a bloke who's just given an airhead to marching orders?

Feel better for it, Eric.

There's a spring in me step today.

Back on the prowl, are you?

I'm not a prowler, Eric.

More of your full -fronted sort of bloke. You can get done for that.

I'm a bit big for that pushchair.

Ha, ha.

She's only coming down the road.

Who, Legly? No, her mother.

She's not till after, is she?

Well, she's not collecting for Oxfam. I thought you'd have a tour.

I'll go out the back way, eh?

I ought to charge you a toll. You're a mate, a nervous mate.

Oh!

Hello, Mrs Bainbridge.

No, Eric, is Jacko in? No, no, I'm afraid he's not.

He went out.

Oh, a couple of hours ago.

Do you know when he'll be back?

No, no, I don't. He's not here, I'm afraid.

Oh.

Any message?

No, I'll get him some other time. Right you are, then, Mrs Bainbridge.

Goodbye,

then, Mrs Bainbridge.

Goodbye, Eric.

Oh, go on, Jacko, please have a toasted sandwich.

No, thanks, Delmar. I don't want one.

Nobody's had one yet, and I've had a machine since yesterday.

Well, don't worry. You can always press your trousers with it.

Hello, Sandra.

You made it, then. Don't start.

You look lovely.

Thank you. What do you want to drink?

Only stay clear of the Albanian wine. That wine sounds like hot cake.

Who to?

Albanian.

I think I'll have a lager.

All right, I suppose.

Could I have a... Snack as well, please.

Snack? In here? The lady wants her snack.

Now, I'm in a position to offer you an extensive range of toasted sandwiches.

Oh, no, a packet of crisps will do.

Oh, go on, Sandra, put him out of his misery.

He's been dying to use his new gizmo.

All right. What have you got? Cheese or ham?

Cheese, please.

Oi.

What happened to this extensive range? You will split it.

No,

I haven't got anything planned, but it's a lovely day. I thought we'd go to

Richmond, eh? That would be nice.

There's a lovely pond there.

Deer. I don't like being called deer.

No, there are deer in the park.

Perhaps take a boat out on the river?

I don't know. We'll see what happens, eh? I like days like that. So do I.

What is that?

I think Elmo's doing your toasted salmon.

It's one of the things I miss about home, you know.

Countryside. They've got countryside up there.

Well, it's not all concreted over.

Ouch!

Hello, development.

Oh, very, very possible, yes.

Oh, you didn't know we had a cabaret in here as well as the pub?

Why did the brewery put up with it?

Oh, well, I've got a theory about that. They used Elmo to show the trainee

managers our pub should not be run.

Mind you, you can't mend a fuse.

How's Sandra's toasted sandwich coming along, Elmo?

That is faulty goods. It's going back tomorrow.

There you are.

Have a packet of crisps on your arse.

He's got a lot of old world charm, hasn't he?

Oh, never mind.

Doesn't matter.

That's what I like about you, Chandra.

What? You're plain and uncomplicated.

Could have put that better, couldn't I?

Plately? Look, by plain, I certainly didn't mean you were unattractive.

And by uncomplicated, I didn't mean you were simple -minded.

It's just after Lesley I... Oh, I see.

That's why you asked me out.

What does that make me?

A bit of light relief?

Oh, no, Sandra. Look, if somebody asks me out, I want them to ask me because

me. Not use me as the sorbet in the middle of a seven -course meal to clean

palace.

Very quickly.

Yes, I am.

But you just keep reminding me that you asked me out because I'm me.

All right.

All right.

Sandra.

What?

I asked you out because you're you.

Thank you.

And put it another way.

It's because you're you that I asked you out. All right.

And I'd only add this. What?

Asking you out because you're you is the only reason I asked you out.

had some brandy.

Oh, I had some brandy once.

Tastes nice, doesn't it?

No. Here, I mean.

Don't bother.

Oh, it was a lovely day.

I did enjoy it.

Was good, wasn't it?

Plain and uncomplicated.

Hmm.

Oh, ha, ha.

Oh, I said, Dondra, if we could go out for the day without the gremlins, we'd

have a smashing time.

What are you doing?

I've got to be honest, Sandra, I was unbuttoning your dress.

As soon as you didn't. Oh, if you'd rather do it yourself.

But you're not flamming, and you know it.

Oh.

Don't say, oh, come on, Sandra, will you? I wasn't about to.

I was going to say, oh, why not, Sandra?

There's no point.

There is, it's lovely.

You've told me yourself lots of times.

You're not a person for long relationships.

Oh, God.

It hasn't got to be love, has it?

No. But I'm not a person for short relationships.

Well, how long do they have to be, then?

You can't calculate things like that.

Isn't there a lot to be said for living for the moment, Sandra?

Oh, that's not fair.

Look, I've had a smashing day, and I like you very much.

But I'm not going to bed with you, and I know it's just a bit of candy floss.

I see.

Sorry.

Oh, I've got dreadful pins and needles, Sandra.

Have you left the move?

Yes, that would happen round about now.

Oh, blimey.

More coffee?

No, thanks, Sandra. No, I think I'd best be going.

See, the thing is, you know too much about me.

Yes, I do.

And I'm a right Charlie.

Because I'm the one who told you.

Hello, Jacko.

Hello, Leslie.

Oh, I am glad I ran into you. I was going to phone you because I've got

something to say.

Look, if it's recriminations, Leslie, you can leave it out.

I cried after you gave me my marching orders.

Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that, Leslie. I really am. But that's history

isn't it?

But then I started thinking.

What were you thinking?

Fight. That's what I thought.

You can say what you like, do what you like. I have decided to fight for you.

Oh, go home, Leslie, please.

No.

What are you doing now?

I'm going home. I'm coming with you.

No, you're not. You can't stop me.

I don't be so childish.

Cornet, what do you like?

Look, this doesn't impress me one little bit. There's no point walking quickly.

I'll walk how I want. Get in the car.

No. Yes.

No.

Look, Leslie, if I see a cop, I'm going to have you done for curb crawling.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you, Lord. Oh, and you

love nature.

You love nature. You love nature.

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