Original subtitles

Because of you, these friends I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

And so Prince Centipede clapped

his hands together and said, Oh, I'm so happy, Princess Millipede.

And they lived happily ever after. Why?

Well, because they were going to get married. And people always live happily

ever after when they get married.

Why?

What could they do?

Uncle Jacko? Yes?

Why aren't you married?

Mind your own business.

Into your own bed.

Hello, Jacko. Oh, Leslie.

Hello. May I come in?

I'm babysitting.

It doesn't matter. I just want to talk to you.

Let me know it.

Right, well, get your dog down.

Don't happen to know how Chelsea got on, do you?

What I said to you last week, I meant it, Jacko.

I'm in love with you.

No, you're not.

I am? No, you're not.

I am. Leslie, that's not what I'm for.

In my book you are.

Look, Leslie, I'm very flattered, I really am.

But you're just going through a phase.

I'm not.

I had three weeks in America to think about it.

Perhaps it was a change of air.

Oh, look, Leslie, before we had this row, we never used to let love get in

way. We just used to have a good time.

That was my fault.

Oh, well, don't blame yourself for having a good time, Leslie.

The row, I mean.

I acted like a spoiled brat.

I was selfish, thoughtless, egocentric, arrogant, overbearing.

Lesley. Unkind, uncaring and considerate, unreasonable.

Lesley. Petulant, snobbish, selfish.

Look, you've done selfish. Now stop it, Lesley.

I cannot.

Yes, I've noticed.

It's like a sweet pain being in love.

Look, Lesley, I'm not the sort of bloke to be in love with.

I'm not comfortable being loved.

And I'm certainly not worthy of it. You are.

I'm not.

You are. I'm not.

Look, I'm self -centred, selfish, self -seeking, unreliable, feckless.

No, that was me.

No, it's me now. But I was more of all those things than you could ever be. No,

you weren't.

I'm all of those things.

All of the time and always will be. Even if it were true, it doesn't make any

difference.

Oh, no.

Uncle Jaffa!

Excuse me.

I've had a bad dream.

Oh, where is it now, then?

It's gone away.

Well, there you are, then. See, that's the thing with bad dreams.

They always go away.

Now, good dreams don't.

They stay with you.

And every time you think of them, they make you laugh or they make you smile.

Now, I bet if you went to sleep now, you'd have a smashing dream.

You'd probably dream about Prince Centipede and Princess Millipede getting

married. And living happily ever after.

In love with you?

Yes. Leslie?

Yes. What if she told you a week ago? Why didn't you tell her?

I've been mulling it over.

Big love?

Is it the serious variety?

The deadly serious variety.

Well, there's no counter potatoes, though.

Well, I don't think that had to be said.

I don't see how any woman in her right mind could possibly fall in love with

you. Why?

Well, cos you're a type.

What sort of type?

Unsubstantial. I'm your brother.

I know, that's why I know what I'm talking about.

I've never bought more than two shirts at a time, you know.

What are you on about?

I was just thinking, if you're going to marry the boss's daughter, you'll be

buying them by the dozen.

And made, probably.

I'd be better off telling the intimate details of my life to the cat.

He'd laugh as well.

A big joke for you two, aren't I? A very good one.

Here. I hope we don't have to wear top hats at the wedding.

I never think a top hat goes with dungarees.

I am not marrying Leslie.

Anyway, she's not the major problem at the moment.

Who is then?

Her mother.

Bloody hell, Frank.

Frank! I never laid a finger on the lady.

Remote control.

Look, I've always thought of Mrs Bainbridge as what she is.

A very kind and pleasant woman.

And the other day when we were painting the dress shop...

We got chatting and she did it.

Did what?

Put her hand on my knee.

Get on the Qantas and see if there are any flights to Australia tonight.

And said, I'm very fond of you, Jacko.

Fonder than you realise.

Forget the plane, swim for it.

Oh, yes, you do.

You're a great comfort to me, you are, Jean.

Fairly poetic, Jack, this.

I mean, you think of all the bread that you cast upon the waters in your time. I

mean, it stands to reason that sooner or later you're going to get a soggy great

loaf chucked back in your face.

Thank you very much indeed. Just a minute.

I've been thinking.

You take the garden spider.

Now, every time there's a tug on his web, he darts out thinking it's food.

But it could be just the wind tugging at the web.

Did you have a brain operation this evening?

No, I know what I mean. It's you, isn't it? You see, you're so used to

interpreting any gesture a woman makes as a sexual signal that you've lost

of the fact that some gestures are not sexual at all.

It could be that Mrs Bainbridge putting her hand on your knee was a totally

innocuous gesture.

Could it?

Never.

Corner it, could it? Well, let's consider it.

How exactly did she put her hand on your knee?

Well, uh... Like so.

Well, show me.

Like that.

Not... Not like that.

No,

it was more like... Like that.

Well, there you are.

That did nothing for me.

It wouldn't, would it? I mean, you're both bloke.

Just a minute, Jean.

Eric's got a point here.

It could have been a totally innocent gesture. Almost accidental.

Almost accidental.

Rubbish. What about what she said?

Ah, what about what she said, Eric?

Ah, the words themselves.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, have you had any thoughts about them?

Well, no, you were doing so well, I thought you might come up with

All right, then.

What exactly did she say again? Right.

She said, I'm very fond of you, Jacko.

Fonder than you realise.

Yes. Well, it's obvious that the critical word in that sentence is fond,

it? What about fonder?

Or fonder?

Well, let's take the two words as coming from the same stable.

Now... Oh, I've had enough of this. I'm going to bed.

Oh, thank you for all your help.

Well, what possible use could I be in the intellectual discussion that you're

having? I mean, I'm just a woman.

I'd only talk common sense.

Of course, these are only artist impressions, but if my negotiations go

this could be me in a year's time.

Twice the size.

Both fronted and surrounded with shrubs.

What do you think, Leslie?

Pardon? My expansion.

Oh, yes.

Yes what?

Yes, Daddy?

No.

Concentrate. Now, look at that frontage. Now, that says, coming off the street,

we at Bainbridge's are your man.

Doesn't it? I think I'll go to bed now.

Good night.

Good night, Angel.

What's wrong with her, Veronica?

Who?

Her daughter.

I don't know.

She's been like this ever since she came back off holiday.

She said anything to you?

No. Well, I don't know.

Anyway, what do you think of my dream for the future?

I haven't really looked.

I've had the sketches on the table for half an hour.

Sorry. Right.

So, now that's what it would look like. And if I can get Charles Crane to commit

himself... It's all possible. This'll be our next rung on the ladder, Veronica.

Mind you, we deserve it, love.

We've worked hard.

Do you ever think about the life we've had together?

Oh, yes.

We've had our ups and downs, haven't we?

We certainly have.

Well, if I can pull this off, there'll be more ups and downs. We'll be on the

gravy train.

Will we be spending more time together?

Oh, no. I mean, expansion creates more work, and more work means more work.

I see.

But think of all the things we can buy.

I think I'll go to bed now.

Am I speaking in a foreign language this evening, or what? Some other time,

Lionel. I don't know. What's wrong with the women in this house?

More Earl Grey, Charles.

No, thank you, Lionel.

Another brandy snack.

No, thanks.

You were saying?

Oh, yes. I was saying how thrilled and excited Veronica and Leslie were when I

showed them the artist's impressions.

In fact, I had to curb their enthusiasm, tell them not to count too many

chickens. The loan has not been major, I said.

Now, I've still got my people looking at the figures, but I can't see any real

problem arising.

Good. Excellent.

Lovely girl, your Leslie.

The apple of my eye, Charles.

Yes, of course.

I've always harboured hope that she and my boy Philip might pair up one day. And

what a fine boy he is, too. Good -looking, well -mannered, intelligent.

Shame he's such a nerd.

Nerd?

Yes, nerd.

Slightly nerdish, as far as I go, Charles.

You don't have to live with a silly arse.

That's why a girl like old Leslie would be so good for him. Prop him up, gee him

along, put a bit of ginger into him. Nothing I'd like better, Charles.

would I, Lionel.

Not, of course, that the two things are in any way interdependent. No, of course

not.

What two things?

My possible loan and your daughter marrying my son.

Oh.

Those two things.

Oh, good God, we're not living in the Middle Ages. I'm certainly not

that our children are bargaining. Of course you're not, Charles.

And I'm certainly not suggesting that the news of an engagement would make me

open my checkbook. Perish your thought, Charles.

No, no, no, no. Let's have it very clearly said.

Business is business, and family matters are family matters. One on one side of

the fence and one on the other. Great. And never the twain shall meet.

Exactly.

Well, very good meeting, Arnold.

Lots of unspoken understanding.

Bags of it, Charles.

Bags of it.

Oh, let me see you. Thank you.

I'll see you at the Conservative Club sometime.

Celebration lunch, hopefully.

Hopefully.

Bye, Arnold. Goodbye, Charles.

No, that wasn't it, Arnold.

Philip's father.

Oh, is it? That's funny.

There's nothing funny about Philip's father.

No coincidence, I mean.

Philip took me out the other night.

Really?

What did you do?

We had dinner.

I see.

You know, Sandra...

You haven't been with a fervour long, but would it surprise you to be told

I am already seeing you in a certain light?

What light would that be, Mr Bainbridge? I've come to think of you as a sort of

little niece.

Have you? Yeah.

And there's your Uncle Lionel. The last thing in the world I want is for you to

be hurt.

Thank you.

Cos it still exists in old England, doesn't it?

Class distinction.

Doesn't worry me.

Well, it should.

Why? Cos you're common.

No, no, dear, not common.

You're working class. And the working class girl and the upper class boy never

works, does it?

Take Marilyn Monroe and Laurence Olivier.

You're not talking about me and Philip, are you? Yes, I am, Sandra.

Well, there's no problem there.

He's a nice enough lad, but he's still crazy about your Leslie.

Is he?

Yes. I ended up being used as a sort of agony ant.

I don't think I shall be going out with Philip again.

You have a bonus, Sandra.

Now, the question is, was the giraffe created with a long neck so it can reach

the foliage on the tall trees, or did it evolve the long neck so it can reach

the foliage?

Well, I've never seen a giraffe with a short neck.

Well, of course you haven't. I mean, it's all happened now. It's all over and

done with.

I think it evolved it.

Right, then answer me this.

Why didn't the giraffe evolve the ability...

To climb trees instead.

Because it's got a long neck.

All right, forget about giraffes.

Take flying squirrels.

Oh, blimey.

I think I'll just go and get... No, you're going nowhere.

Hello, lad.

Hello, Mrs Bainbridge.

Hello, Mrs Bainbridge.

Nice day to be working outside.

Yes, it is.

Very nice.

Let's hope it lasts.

Bye.

Goodbye, Mrs Bainbridge. Goodbye, Mrs Bainbridge.

Well? Well, what?

Now, where was the double meaning in what she said there?

That was a perfectly normal conversation.

Well, it had to be.

You were here, chaperoning me.

Thought, she's the boss's wife.

She could have sent me up the road to get a packet of fags or something, but

didn't. If she'd wanted to get you on your own, she could have done, but she

didn't. That's true. Which confirms the conclusion I came to when we were

chatting last night.

What time did we get to bed, by the way?

It's half past four.

Anyway, the conclusion stands.

Mrs Bainbridge isn't after you at all.

I'd like to believe you, Eric, but I can't help remembering her hand on my

You were obsessed with it. It was my leg.

I sometimes wonder just how far we've evolved at all.

You on about giraffes again?

No.

Mankind.

I mean, have we really become so cynical that a human being of one sex can't

touch a human being of the other sex without us thinking it's for some

motive?

It was my leg.

Hello, Sandra.

Hello.

Getting your tongue sunburned?

In my day, Sandra, the mere slip of an office girl would never be allowed to

talk to a master craftsman like that.

I'm sorry, I missed the Industrial Revolution.

Anyway, I've got a message for you from Lionel. I've tried it. It's a physical

impossibility.

No, not that one.

He wants you to go straight on to the town hall job when you've finished here.

OK.

Actually, it's tea break.

Fancy a cup of tea, Sandra?

That'd be nice.

Do you know, Sandra, Miss Millichip, who worked in the office before you, never

had a cup of tea with us.

Strange woman, Miss Millichip.

Do you know, in a certain light, I often thought she had a rather Transylvanian

aspect about her.

You mean she was a vampire?

Could have been.

Whereas you, you've really fitted in ever so well.

Oh, thank you, Eric.

All nice like you.

And when I say like, I mean normal nice like.

You know?

Nice to know.

Mate.

I suppose that's what we are.

Real mates.

Mate? Yeah?

Keep your hands to yourself.

Oh,

hello, Sandra.

Hello. You shouldn't be long.

Did you have a nice holiday?

Lovely, thanks.

I've always wanted to see America.

Yes, it's very nice.

It's funny, though.

I soon realised that the really important thing in my life was here.

Oh?

He miffed you, you know.

Did he?

How do you know?

I went out with him the other night.

Oh. But all he did was talk about you.

Did he?

Yes. I might as well have been a cardboard cut -out.

Mind you, he can wax quite poetic and Philip.

Philip? Yes.

Who did you think I was talking about?

Nobody. He's a nice lad.

Oh, yeah, sweet.

But he's not the really important thing. Good God, no.

He may be sweet, but he's such a drift.

Angel! Hello, Daddy. I wanted to see you.

Then you come into the office.

Cancel my afternoon appointments for me, would you, Sandra?

You haven't got any, Mr Bainbridge.

Just do as you're told, please, Sandra.

Now, what is it, Angel?

Money? You want some money?

No, I just want to know your chest measurement.

42, darling.

Why? Because I've seen a lovely sweater I want to get you.

Oh. I must have done something wonderful in a previous life to deserve you,

Leslie. Oh, I don't know.

I'm not always that lovable, am I?

Who says you're not? I'll kill you.

No, I'm saying it.

Anyway, I'll go and get that sweater.

Leslie? Yes, David?

I'm having some models built, you know.

What are?

The new primitives. Well, hopefully new primitives.

Oh, good.

The nice man, Mr Crane, isn't he?

Yes. Mrs Crane's very nice, too.

Yes. Then, of course, there's young Philip.

What do you think of young Philip at all, Leslie?

Philip? He's sweet, very sweet. He is, isn't he?

Daddy, may I tell you something?

I did an awful lot of thinking when I was on holiday.

Did you?

Serious thinking.

Is it anything to do with missing somebody?

Liking somebody?

Missing somebody, yes.

Good. Liking somebody, no.

Oh. It's love.

Eh? I am in love.

Oh, Leslie.

I couldn't be more thrilled. I'm so delighted.

Oh, I'm ever so glad.

Because I didn't think you liked Jacko very much.

Hello, Mrs Bainbridge.

It's Jacko.

Do come in, Jacko. Sit down.

Would you like a drink?

No, thank you, Mrs Bainbridge, no.

I think I will.

Right. Well, the thing is, Mrs Bainbridge...

Well, I really wanted to speak to you alone.

I realised that when you phoned up to make sure that Lana and Leslie were out.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you see, I've been umming and ahhing and to -ing and fro -ing and

that and the other -ing, and, well, in the end, I thought the best thing to do

was to talk to you about it.

About what?

Well, the other day in the dress shop, when we got chatting, and you put your

hand on my knee and said... That I was very fond of you?

Yes. Fonder than I realised. Yes, that.

Now, if I'm wrong, Mrs Bainbridge, if any way I'm insulting you by reading

something into this, well, then you just call me a dirty little yob and sling me

out of the house.

But even as I say it, I can see that, well, you didn't mean anything by it at

all.

Oh, yes, I did.

Thanks.

Oh, no, I'm very flattered, I really am.

But I'm a silly old bag you couldn't fancy in a month of Sunday.

No, on the contrary, Mrs Bainbridge, you're a very attractive lady.

And if circumstances were different, well, I'm sure we can make the earth

without the aid of a bulldozer.

Could we?

Yes.

But circumstances aren't different, Mrs Bainbridge.

Which is why I'm persisting in calling you Mrs Bainbridge.

Because there's a Mr Bainbridge and a Miss Bainbridge.

Mrs Bainbridge.

Who, between them, make me feel about as important as the contents of our

dustbin. Oh, surely not.

You work with Lionel, you know.

Well, difficult, man, I grant you, yes. But, look, consider this. I don't want

to consider anything.

I just want to have a fling.

An irresponsible fling.

And what about afterwards?

Well, at least you might not turn over and go to sleep like he does.

After afterwards?

I mean, flings are all right while they're flinging. I mean, what happens

they peter out?

Jack, I'm not some starry -eyed teenager.

I'm not talking about falling in love and living in a cottage with roses round

the door and you helping me down to the post office every week to collect my

pension. Mrs Bainbridge.

At least call me Veronica.

Well, Veronica, then.

What happens when the fling peters out? What then?

I haven't thought that far.

Well, I have.

We get found out.

Oh, it's your job you're worried about.

No, it's not.

And that's the truth.

Look, I'm all right. If things get too hot, I can always pack my bags and steal

away into the night.

Resurfacing some harem in Saudi Arabia or somewhere.

You can't.

I don't think I want to.

Veronica, please.

That's the one thing I don't want to be.

You've got to be.

Look, what are you going to be left with?

No husband, no family, no home.

You're being very boring and sensible, aren't you?

Which is very unlike me.

Just goes to show how serious I am.

You really do care what happens to me.

Yes, I do, Veronica.

Which is why I'm going back to calling you Mrs Bainbridge, Mrs Bainbridge.

It's very sweet.

Oh, it's not sweet. It's not anything.

Caring. It's not even caring.

Look, I'm downright callous.

Have it your way.

Right.

Now, about this flea.

What about it?

Don't have it.

Not with me, not with anyone.

Put it right out of your mind.

Thanks, Jacko.

I appreciate your being so honest.

Yes, that is the time.

I'd better be going.

All right.

I was talking sense, you know.

I heard what you said.

Leave it at that, then, eh?

We'll see.

Is there a kid?

No, it's not.

Thanks to you.

Is that the doctor's?

Thanks to you.

Well, I haven't done anything to him.

You've flared up again.

What did?

The place where the hot tea was poured.

Yes. Oh.

I'll pay for any prescriptions.

Yes, you will.

Andy's cleaning, Bill.

Oh, Tom.

What do you want him for, anyway?

Oh, I don't know. I'm cheesed off.

Just fancied a drink.

Development?

As a matter of fact, there are, yeah.

I've been chatting to Mrs Bainbridge.

No.

And?

She wants to flee.

Told you.

Of course I told her it wasn't on. Oh, that won't make a lot of difference.

How do you know?

Well, a married woman of that age, with that feeling, you'll become like a

hunted stag.

Why don't you just shoot me now and stick my head on the wall?

Just because you got married and settled down, I mean, you wouldn't have these

problems, would you?

That's your answer to everything, isn't it, Jean?

If you met the Pope, you'd advise him to settle down again.

Well, I don't see why they can't.

Anyway, I'm fed up.

I'm going up there for a night rest.

All right.

What are you laughing at?

You won't get it. Why?

Because Leslie's up there.

What? Why else would you ask me to let her in?

You viper. Look, I couldn't say no.

It's your life, after all.

Oh, it used to be.

Right. You open that front door, cos Leslie's coming down them stairs at 500

miles an hour and straight through it. I'm about up to air with them Bainbridge

women.

Now, look, Leslie.

I want you out of this house in two minutes flat.

Why?

Because you'll only go on about being in love again, and it's got to be nipped

in the bed, Leslie.

Bud.

I won't say it if you don't want me to.

Well, that's not the point.

You'll be thinking it. And I shall know you'll be thinking it by the sheer fact

that you're not saying anything about it.

Will you leave, please?

Do you really mean that?

Yes, I do.

Why?

All right.

I'll list the reasons.

One, I could never say it back to you.

Three, I know you'd deny it, but you're simply going through a phase.

What happened to two?

Well, that is two.

Phase one is two.

Well, what's three?

I'm coming to three, aren't I? I'm coming to three.

Three. It's ever so cosy in here.

That's irrelevant.

And don't think I don't know, so you can forget about it. And another thing.

I'm fully aware, so forget about that as well. Now, I can't make it any plainer

than that, can I, Leslie?

No.

Right. So you're sending me away?

Yes, I am.

I want you out of this house first thing in the morning.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.

Nature.

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