Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you, because of you.

I don't know. I haven't got them anymore.

Did you miss me?

Not a lot, no.

I had hoped you'd come and visit me in hospital, Sandra.

Not enough nurses?

I was desperately ill.

You must have been.

Why are you standing so close to me?

Well, I've got to. My voice won't carry any further.

And I get these giddy spells.

I've got a funny arm.

Have you?

Yes. It keeps lashing out of its own accord and hitting people round the ear

hole. The same half -person you were two weeks ago, Sandra.

Certainly am.

Hello, Philip.

How's the world of merchant banking?

Pretty bullish at the moment.

Oh, never mind. Or terrific, as the case may be.

I hear you've been off sick.

Yeah. Mind you, I'll have to produce me tonsils in a jar if Lionel's to be

convinced. I'm having a couple of days off myself.

Oh, not well?

No, just didn't feel like going in.

Oh.

I must say, you're looking very pretty today, Sandra.

Thank you.

I don't suppose you'd be free for lunch, would you?

Afraid I wouldn't.

Only because you think I... Oh, Jacko.

Lionel said you were to go straight in when he was free.

Right.

Only because you think I am.

Free for lunch.

Well, I hope you enjoy yourself.

Close the door.

Hello, Lionel.

Sit down.

Here you are.

Thanks for the get well soon card.

I didn't send you one.

Yes, you did. Get well soon. Love from Veronica and Lionel.

Wasn't my writing, was it?

No, true. No, it was joined up.

Oh, ha, ha.

Pity they didn't take your so -called wit out while you were in hospital.

My what?

Wit. Oh.

I thought you'd been talking to Philip. What did he want?

See this?

Mind it.

As a matter of fact, we were talking high finance. Merchant Bank, you know.

Yeah, I know.

I see the market's rather bullish at the moment.

Is it?

Yeah. How do you see it, Lionel?

Look, I haven't got all day.

Now then.

After two weeks of malingering, can you finally declare yourself fit for work?

Malingering?

Tonsillitis is very dangerous at my age, you know.

Rubbish. The old thing was psychosomatic.

Did what?

Brought on mentally.

I was talking to a bloke at the lodge, er, somewhere, and he was telling me

quite a lot of illness is brought on by the psycho.

I eat the mind.

Oh, I see. So I had tonsillitis because Fulham got knocked out of the cup.

You had tonsillitis because my daughter packed you in.

It's mutual.

Well, Leslie didn't have tonsillitis.

No, no, no, no. It was mutual. We packed each other in.

Rubbish. The scales fell from her eyes. That's what happened.

Oh, well, have it your own way. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Yeah. Sprats, in your case.

Don't kid yourself, you'll never get close to a lovely great addict like my

Leslie again.

An addict?

No,

what's the word I'm looking for? Um, angelfish.

So what's she up to, then, apart from swimming?

She's having a first -class holiday in the United States of America.

Sending you a lot of cards, is she?

No, well, she can't. She's moving about too much. Oh, I see.

She'll be back in a couple of days, though. Bless her.

Give her my best.

Now that she's come to her senses, she wouldn't wipe her shoes on your best.

She'll be back on course with the right kind of people.

The natural leaders of this world. Like Philip.

I don't suppose you'd be free for lunch?

No, I wouldn't.

Anyway, I wouldn't have lunch with you anyway.

Now I was thinking of something else.

Yeah, well, try thinking about work.

Psychosomatic, Harry.

How are the days?

What, the store?

Yeah, Eric's waiting for you in the dress department.

Oh, I hope he's wearing something nice.

Nice creep gathered at the waist of... Oh, cut it out.

You're so predictable, aren't you?

All right then, Lionel.

What do you think he should be wearing?

Clear off!

Here, incidentally.

The guy in the next bed to me knew you, you know.

He spoke very highly of you.

Did he?

Yeah. What was his name?

I can't remember.

He was in for a brain scan.

Oh.

Well... Any night you could see your way clear to, then. What do you mean, see

my way clear to?

I'm not a clairvoyant.

No, I've offended you.

I've got an idea. Excuse me, Philip. I've got to take these in to Mr

She's like stone.

Like stone.

I don't know.

No, you don't, do you?

I think I'll go home.

Do what?

You've got a Mercedes parked outside.

You've got money in your pocket. Giving yourself a couple of days off.

The world is your oyster, Philip. What's the point of the world being my oyster

if I can't even open the shell?

Fancy a swift half?

I wouldn't say no, actually, but aren't you afraid to be working?

No, you know Lionel's kindly nature. He's very insistent that I ease myself

into it gradually.

Very thoughtful of him.

That man is a saint.

Oh, hum.

Oh, I mean, Philip, you're beginning to sound like a Gregorian charm.

It's all right for you.

You seem to be able to simply crook your little finger and go come running.

If I were to crook my little finger, somebody would hang their hat on it.

It's not surprising, Philip, with your attitude.

What do you mean, attitude?

Well, flackied Philip, the humble bumbler.

All this, I don't suppose you could possibly.

Could you see your way clear to?

Pardon me for daring to be near you in the first place. See, women don't like

that. I don't have it in me to act the caveman.

Well, I'm not asking you to club them senseless, Philip. Just be more

I suppose that's how you took Leslie away from me.

Yes. So you should have come round and thumped me.

I did.

And Leslie called me a brute. Yes, yes, no, that was the wrong example, that

one, Philip, no. I think Leslie was just in the mood for a bit of rough.

It's not just Leslie, it's women in general.

They always will be, Philip, as long as you put them on a pedestal.

When did you start going out with girls?

Oh, I must have been six or seven.

No, I mean properly.

Oh, that?

Oh, much later.

Twelve.

I was 21.

Public school?

Yes. Yeah, see. Now, I'm the first to applaud the public school for the

achievement, but when it comes around to teaching little boys about little

girls, well, they're rubbish.

Be more assertive.

That's what you're saying? Yes.

Now, if a woman wants to treat you like a doormat, Philip, tell her to go to war

with some bioware.

James Cagney used to squash grapefruits in girls' faces.

No, no, I wouldn't recommend that. No, no.

I'm not advocating all that treat them rough nonsense. Just be firm but fair.

Courteous but not creepy.

And if at the end of the day it doesn't work, it doesn't hurt to suggest you're

slightly dangerous into the bargain.

Who are you going out with at the moment, Jacko?

No -one.

Only because I've been mouldering in hospital for two weeks.

You're more profound than you look, you know.

I'm like a lift, Philip.

Depends what button you press.

The owl... is capable of rotating its head through 180 degrees.

Lucky old Al.

The chameleon's eyes themselves rotate in order to look behind it.

You're a funder of zoological wisdom today, you are, Eric.

Well, it's looking at you.

Well, let's face it, I've just come out of hospital.

Any nurses?

Yeah, but they didn't seem to be the fantasy figures of yesteryear. Perhaps

was the antibiotics.

There was a physiotherapist, though.

There's always a physiotherapy.

Yeah, I asked her to help me with me gargling, but she didn't want to have

of it.

Now, that's better than all the medicine in the world, that is.

Do you think she'd value my opinion on her dress?

I shouldn't think so, no.

I'll go and give it to her, then.

Would you like a man's opinion on that dress?

Yes.

Where is he?

Before eyes and neck, two things occur to me. One matches the colour and the

other the line.

Do you talk to yourself a lot?

That dress is saying something to me.

Oh, dresses talk to you as well, do they?

Yes, it's saying that its first outing should be to an Italian restaurant

because it conjures up the warmth and passion of that lovely country.

It's made in Taiwan, actually.

And by sheer coincidence, I know the very Italian restaurant.

Oh, I see.

You want to take this dress out to dinner.

How very perceptive of you.

Well, I'm not buying it.

So I'll have it put in a bag for you.

That all went very well, didn't it?

I'm a bit ring -rusty, that's all. Like a boxer who hasn't had a bout for a

while. My timing's a bit awry.

So long as that's all.

All? Yeah.

I've seen it happen to blokes who've been in hospital before, you know.

I only have my tonsils out, Eric. No, it's something to do with nurses having

total power over you.

They can stick thermometers in your mouth or elsewhere whenever they want

They can turn you over, give you a bed bath, put you on your potty.

You may go in thinking of yourself as an adult male, but a few hours in their

hands and you're reduced to a squeaky toy.

What are you talking about?

Emasculation.

Look, a lot of things could happen to me, Eric, but emasculation's not one of

them. It's just a theory.

What you witnessed there was a failure. Well, I have dozens of those, but I'm

fireproof. Because I put the work in, I get my successes as well.

Or could it be the beginning of the Ice Age for you? Rubbish.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Your shoulder strap's showing.

Got to catch a train.

Oh, yeah.

What, both of them? Yes.

Chilly evening, isn't it?

It is a bit parky.

Almost as if that ice surge I mentioned had started.

Do you have to drink in this pub?

It is extraordinary, though, isn't it? I mean, two days working in a ladies'

dress department, of all places, and nothing.

You haven't seen me in the evenings, have you? No.

But both nights, Jean and I heard those lonely footsteps on the stairs.

I don't know why you're making a meal of this. I'm not desperate.

Not desperate?

Half an hour ago, you were chatting up Elmo's cleaning lady.

I was not chatting her up. I was merely telling her quite discreetly that her

wig was lopsided.

I bet if she'd have asked you out for a meal, you'd have gone. It's peculiar,

though. I'm the same person, I say the same thing, conduct myself in the same

agreeable manner, and nothing.

Pratt, time has passed you by.

What, you're too weak?

Or perhaps you're a spent force.

Perhaps you're like a rocket on fireworks night.

It's all right when you're shooting up in the sky with sparks coming from under

your coat.

But perhaps now you're just an empty case on the end of a stick.

Lying in the gutter.

Incidentally, would you do me a favour?

What, after that?

Come back to the office and put that on Lionel's desk for us.

You know what it's like if you don't get it Thursday. We don't get the money

Friday. All right, I'm not doing anything again yet.

Right, I'm off then.

Home to me loving wife.

That must sound very dull to a young buck like yourself.

I mean, you have the really exciting prospect of waking up in the morning

totally strange wig on the pillow beside you.

Listen. When the red light shows, it means you can go across the crossing.

right, Eric.

Hello, Sandra. Why are you still here?

I'm waiting for somebody.

Well, here I am. Not you.

I've got a date.

Well, you'll only spend all evening thinking about us.

You have got a vivid imagination.

Well, I don't know, Sandra. I must be labouring under some misapprehension.

I always thought we had a special relationship.

We don't go out with each other.

Nonsense, Sandra. We've had some wonderful times together.

Not the way I remember them.

Let's make now the beginning for us, eh?

You've been stood up.

No, I haven't. And I've told you anyway, I'm waiting for somebody else.

Fair enough, Sandra.

I'll just put these overtime sheets in.

I kept calling out your name when I was under the anaesthetic, you know.

Do you have to be drugged to remember who I am, then?

Sandra! Oh, Sandra, I kept calling. How do you know you were unconscious?

They told me afterwards.

Just a minute.

You had your tonsils out, didn't you?

Ah, I know what you're going to ask. How could I possibly be calling out your

name with a surgeon's arm halfway down my throat?

Did it occur?

With great difficulty.

Which just shows the depth of feeling I have for you, Sandra.

Oh, no, Flannel, let's go out, please.

Are you deaf?

I am going out with somebody else.

I don't believe in letting people down.

Look, Sandra, supposing I only had three days to live, could you in all

conscience... Ready, Sandra?

Ah, hello, Jacko.

Hello, Philip.

Goodbye.

Thanks for the pep talk, Jacko.

I did a third to myself and, well, everything's turned up trump.

Really pleased for you, Philip.

Last orders, ladies and gentlemen. Last orders, please.

What the lager, please, Elmo?

And what's your young lady having?

What young lady?

The one you obviously haven't pulled tonight.

It's not true what they say, Elmo.

What isn't? That satire died with Oscar Wilde. Who?

Oh, an Irish bricklayer used to come in here and drink rum and black.

70p.

Yes, funny seeing you in here on your own.

I would have thought after two weeks in hospital, you'd have been in here every

night, knee -deep in chorus, girls.

I wasn't in hospital, Elmo.

I was in a monastery on the Greek island of Athos.

Athos? See, I've decided to become totally celibate, to tune my whole being

spiritual matters. I don't believe a word of that. It's true.

It can't be, and I'll tell you why, for a start -off.

Athos can't be the name of a Greek island because it is the name of one of

three musketeers.

I don't know why I cross swords with you, Elmo. You tear me to shreds every

time.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Isabel. Can I join you?

Yeah, come on.

Cheers.

Funny to see you on your own.

Yeah? I can hardly ever remember seeing you on your own.

All right, Isabel, no need to make a meal of it.

Of course, I'm used to being on my own.

Oh, by the way, am I on straight?

You're sitting very nicely, Isabel.

Of course, I've got air of my own, you know. Oh, I didn't doubt that for a

moment. It's just that during the years, I got fed up with it.

I found my budgie.

Stiff as a board at the butt of his cage this morning.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Isabel.

Yes, that's a bit of a wrench.

Not that he talks.

Good listener, though, eh? Who knows?

But I used to talk to him a lot.

Were you ever married, Isabel?

No.

I lived with a Polish seaman for some years.

Oh, did you? Yes.

But his wife kept on writing and...

In the end, he went home to Gdansk.

It's about time you got married.

Oh, don't say that, Isabel.

I'm more of a sprinter, not your marathon runner.

Oh, you don't want to leave it too late, you know. Oh, there's plenty of time.

That's what my brother Billy said, do you remember?

No, I don't think I know your brother Billy, no.

Oh, I know.

Well, he was a bit of a gay play, like you.

Good for him.

No, not really.

By the time he decided he wanted to settle down, nobody would have him.

So, he hung himself in the scullery.

Which is all very cheerful, isn't it, Isabel?

Lost one of my family to go, he was.

None of them left now.

But you have to laugh, though, don't you?

Why? Well, I was as sickly one as a child, and here I am, in good health,

faculties, and lots of years to look forward to.

Absolutely.

Do you like Italian food, Isabel?

I don't know what it is, dear.

Well, it's pasta, lasagna, spaghetti, stuff like that. Oh, that sort of thing.

I've had spaghetti hoops.

Oh.

No, it's different than that. It's more sauces, like parmesan cheese and

zucchini. Little baby maras, all fried, you know. Oh, sounds lovely.

On a very nice Italian restaurant not far from here. Thanks for coming.

What, you and me?

Yeah.

Us. Yes, Isabel, you, me, up together, eh?

Oh, no, thank you.

Oh, look, don't worry about the money. I'll be paying.

Oh, it's not that.

What was it, then? Well, it took me a long time to live down my Polish semen.

And if I walk out of here on your arm, well, bang goes my reputation once and

for all.

Hello, darling. Did you have a nice holiday?

Yes. Nothing, thank you.

She looked like a film star coming down that gangplank, Veronica.

What time did the ship dock?

Right on the button. Eight o 'clock.

I told you you didn't have to be there at six.

I wanted to use my binoculars. I wanted to see my daughter come over the

horizon. Oh, just a minute, just a minute.

Did you really have a nice holiday?

Yes. Fine.

Honestly. Well...

Something to eat? A cup of tea, eh?

No, nothing, thanks.

Welcome home, Leslie.

Welcome home, Leslie.

Welcome home, Leslie.

Welcome home, Leslie.

Champagne, Angel?

No, thank you, Daddy.

Oh.

Veronica? Bit early, thank you.

Oh.

Well, welcome home, Lesley.

Now then, you tell us all about that holiday.

You got on Concord at Heathrow. Go from there.

Would you mind if I didn't?

No, of course I wouldn't mind.

You'll tell us about it sometime, though, won't you? Yes, of course.

Later. Yeah, later. That's when you'll tell us about it.

I think I'll unpack.

I'll bring your cases, I'll bring your cases. No.

I'll just take the small one for now.

Yeah, you just take the small one for now.

Leslie.

Have some champagne, Veronica.

No, thank you.

No.

Well, that all went a bit flat, didn't it?

Never mind.

I haven't upset her, have I? No, she just seems a bit subdued generally.

Why? I don't know.

Of course, it's jet lag.

You don't get jet lag on the QE2.

Oh, no.

Seasick. She's just in a quiet frame of mind.

Well, you're her mother. Why?

She's got something on her mind.

She's got something on her mind. That's what it is.

It's me.

Father's wisdom's got through to her.

Are you sure?

Yes. That holiday I gave her has opened her eyes to all the finer things in

life, like first -class passengers.

She's seen the kind of world I want for her. That's why she's subdued.

Why you didn't think of that, I don't know.

I must be dim.

No, you're not dim, Veronica.

A bit slow sometimes, perhaps.

Anyway, my Leslie... Lionel, do you think we could talk about me for a

Why?

Because I'm your wife.

I know that.

What do you want me to say?

I don't know.

I sometimes don't feel like a wife.

Sometimes I don't feel like a woman.

I think if I were replaced by a robot, you wouldn't notice.

Veronica, we share the same bathroom. Of course I'd notice.

Look, do you want a new dress?

No.

I want to be wanted.

Veronica, it's ten o 'clock in the morning.

How do you like a nice deep fat fryer?

Look, I'll tell you what I'd like.

Let's go out tonight to a nice quiet restaurant and let's talk to each other

properly.

All right.

Oh, no, I can't. I've got a lodge meeting.

Is it that important?

Look, it's Leslie's first night home and I'm still going. That's how important

it is. We've got the Salamander General coming all the way from Erie.

The Salamander General? Is that a little animal in a box or some silly old fool

dressed up in a silly costume?

I can't say anything about his costume. I've said too much already. No, you

haven't. You haven't said anything.

All right, I'll go this far.

But for God's sake, don't let it go outside these four walls.

If tonight I get the nod from Ron Dostoevsky, I could be elevated into the

grotto of the fifth phase.

With a little pixie hat on, presumably.

You don't want to take things too lightly, Veronica.

Doors could open.

I hope a door does open for you.

I hope it's a trap door.

And I hope you all fall through it into a big vat of custard.

Where are you going?

I will have that dress.

As a matter of fact, several expensive ones.

All the fizzy's going out of this.

Good. That makes two of you.

Did it hurt then? What? The transplant.

What transplant?

Having another pair of eyes put in the back of your head. What are you talking

about? Well, you've obviously got them because you haven't turned round for

an hour.

Do you remember when Tony Jacklin won the US Open?

Yeah. Why?

Well, before the final round, his friend Tom Weiskopf pinned a note to his

locker door. And it had one word on it. Do you know what that word was?

Hello?

Tempo. Meaning?

Meaning keep relaxed.

Let your swing do the work for you.

Don't press. Don't push.

See, that's what I've been doing with women ever since I came out of hospital.

Two weeks out of commission.

I've developed an over -anxiety. I've tried too hard. Hence the failure.

Well, take Leonardo da Vinci. Was he playing in the US Open as well?

No, very well he wasn't.

Now, supposing he had to go into hospital to have a tonsillectomy right

middle of painting the Mona Lisa's enigmatic smile.

Right? So he comes out of hospital and he thinks, right, back to that smile,

this could be a winner.

But he tries too hard.

And the Mona Lisa ends up as nothing more than a grinning loon. And this

accounts for the enforced celibacy, does it?

Well, it could do, couldn't it? You don't believe that.

No, but it's cheering me up.

Here's Leslie.

Oh, now, look. Now, come on, Jacko. Leave it. That's over.

She's brown, isn't she? Look, I know you're desperate, but she's Lionel's

daughter. Now, I don't know you got away with it the first go round with her,

but you can't have very much skin left to your teeth.

I think I'll just go and say hello, eh? In your present state, you couldn't.

She's got little golden hairs on her arms, look.

So have I.

Talk to me.

Always said you had the best pair of legs in London.

Jacko. Hello, Leslie.

Hello. How are you?

I'm fine.

Have a nice holiday.

I did a lot of thinking.

That's funny, because I did a lot of thinking as well.

Did you?

Yes, Leslie.

See, look, we're grown -up people.

I know we split up, but, I mean, it shouldn't stop us seeing each other,

tonight.

And I know there was a fundamental bone of contention between us, but that

shouldn't stop us being friends, loving friends.

My God, you're brown, Leslie.

It's that bone of contention I've been thinking about.

Well, it's me wanting my own way and you not letting me have it.

But in short spells, you... No, listen, please.

You were right.

That's what I've realised.

I need someone who won't let me be a spoiled brat.

And that's you.

Yeah, but on a temporary basis.

I'm not saying it very well, but I think I've fallen in love with you, Jacko.

Oh, I'll just get changed.

It won't be a moment.

Hello, Jacko.

Hi, hello, Mrs Bainbridge.

You look rather pale. Are you all right?

No, not really.

Oh, dear. What's the matter?

Well, life's taken a bit of a lurch, actually.

Yeah, life can do that.

I don't really know what to do.

Well, if it would help, you know you can talk to me any time.

It's very nice of you, Mrs Bainbridge.

Well... I'm very fond of you, Jacko.

Maybe fonder than you realize.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.