Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, Sondra. Hello. What are you doing in here?

Not that it's any of your business, but I'm waiting for someone.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not available this evening.

I said someone, not something.

Can I get you a drink?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

A bottle of lager, please, Elmo.

Are you off out? Yeah. Who with?

Leslie.

Are all Geordies this nosy?

No, I am.

You must have been out with Leslie three or four times now.

Five, actually.

Switching the Darby and Jones stage.

What's he like?

I'll tell you what.

You come out with us tonight and bring your video camera.

That's curious.

All I've seen of Leslie is her getting her own way with her father all the

Yeah, she likes to get her own way.

Dale, she's in the hands of the master now.

You'll soon tame her.

She's not a horse.

Anyway, do you mind if I have a go?

Who are you going out with?

Mind your own business.

Ashamed of him, are you?

No, I'm not.

What's his name, then?

Herbert.

Lovey Bond.

Oh. Yes, I know it's a funny name.

What's he do, then, this Herbert?

He clips poodle.

That's nice.

I know what you're thinking.

Look, Sandra, just because a bloke's name is Herbert Lovey Bond and he clips

poodles, who am I to jump to conclusions?

Because blokes like you... Oh, there's Herbert now.

See you. Bye.

Wasn't that beautiful?

Quite frankly, Veronica.

That stunk.

That was Marla.

I don't give a tutty -toss who it was. It was a boring, dismal dirge.

Did you hear the concert, Mummy? Wasn't it lovely?

Wonderful. I thought it was wonderful too, Angel.

Oh, I see. When I like it, it's a boring, dismal dirge. When Leslie likes

it's wonderful.

There's no insult in that, Veronica. She understands music like that.

Look, we've given her the best education money can buy, and there's no limits to

what she can achieve.

And she's going out with one of your painters.

Oh, you had to bring him up, didn't you? You had to stick Jacko between my ribs.

He hasn't got his studies done.

No, he hasn't.

He's everything there shouldn't be within a million miles of my Leslie.

Then put your foot down and forbid her to see him.

I can't do that, Veronica.

She's made it clear that if I try anything of that sort, she'll go back to

Sorbonne in Paris.

I couldn't bear it to be away again. The house would be empty without her.

Thank you.

Oh, sorry, darling.

Empty -ish.

That's him.

That's his ring, that is.

Even rings the doorbell nastily, doesn't it? Yeah, he does.

Come in.

Hello, Lionel.

Hello, Jacko. How are you? I'm all right. Nice to see you.

Hello, Jacko. Hello, Mrs Bainbridge. Got a little present for you.

Oh.

Do sit down.

I haven't got this one.

No, I know. We talked about it the other day. Do you remember?

Oh, very thoughtful.

Look, Lionel, a hogarth.

Not very big, is it?

What, one of our poachers ten times bigger than that?

I realise that, but... Jacko is taking the trouble to find this for me. I'm

grateful, Jacko. My one's framed and all.

Would you like a drink?

Not if he's driving my daughter.

A tonic water would go down well.

Right.

Ice? Not if it means you haven't to fetch some, Lionel, no.

I am fully equipped to dispense ice in this room, thank you.

Twisted lemon would be nice. All right, all right.

Where are you taking leather this evening, then?

Wimbledon. Whereabouts in Wimbledon?

Wimbledon Stadium. I thought we'd go dog racing.

Oh.

My daughter went to the Sorbonne.

Oh, I don't know that track.

You know what I mean.

Do you think it's right that a young lady of my daughter's quality should be

rubbing shoulders with a riffraff who go greyhound racing?

Lionel and I used to go to Catford. Did you?

Used to, yeah.

Used to.

Till I saw through it.

Beer cans rolling about, bits of ticket blowing up dirty terraces.

We're going in the glass enclosure.

It's nice in there. You can have a meal while you watch the doggie. It's very

pleasant. Common.

Mummy! Yes, darling?

No, I'm Mummy.

Yes?

My drink's free!

Coming! Excuse me, Jacko. Hope you have a nice time. Oh, and thanks again for

the print.

You're welcome.

Well, this is nice, isn't it? No.

Oh, come on, Lionel. For goodness sake, it's not the end of the world.

I'm only taking your daughter out.

And that remark's supposed to relax me, is it?

What have I ever done to you personally?

It's not what you've done to me personally. It's what you've done to

women in this country personally.

Now, that's an exaggeration. I only wish it were.

Plus, compared to my Leslie, you're like having a cat dragged in. Leslie doesn't

seem to think so.

Yeah. Just you wait.

That girl's got a fine mind.

Yeah, I like that as well.

As well as what?

As well as her other attributes.

Don't you dare talk about my daughter's attributes.

Stop looking for smug either.

That fine mind of hers is going to see through you soon, see you for what you

really are.

The cheap little dollop of nothing.

I don't know, Lionel. Things are going rather swimmingly at the moment.

Are they? Yeah.

Now, I'd be the first to admit that there's imponderables in any

But who's to say I could be sitting here talking to you in a few months' time as

your new son -in -law?

But if that comes about, Lionel, I want you to know that you wouldn't be losing

Leslie. No, cos I know how much she means to you.

We'll come and live here.

I'll see you in hell first!

Hello, Jacko. Hello, Legly.

See you, Daddy.

Goodbye, Angel.

Goodbye. Goodbye, Lionel.

Would be nice driving to work together every morning, wouldn't it?

What, the really dirtiest one I can think of?

Yes, the really filthiest.

Well, it'd have to be croquet.

Croquet? Oh, yeah, they do some diabolical things to each other in that.

smacking your opponent's ball off the lawn into the shrubbery.

Do you know so much about croquet? I played the vicar once.

Never again. Vicious beast.

Right, about tonight.

That's all right. We're going to the knack of the yard.

Where? New Disco, Sloane Square.

It's supposed to be the place.

With these drinks, about five pounds a time, I suppose.

All right, I've got money.

So have I. Enough to give us a very pleasant evening at Wimbledon Dog Track.

No, we're going to the disco.

No, we're not.

Well, I don't want to sit here all night.

Well, nor do I. First race starts in half an hour.

Philip would have taken me like a shot.

Philip is moonlighting as a human doormat.

He drives a Mercedes.

Not when he takes you out, he doesn't. It's I'll drive, Philip. All right,

Leslie. Can I sit in the front, Leslie, or shall I run behind?

He was fantastic in pit fuel.

No one can be fantastic in red winter yet underwear.

He didn't wear red... I bet he did.

An all -in -one with a flap at the back.

Go on, I'll get us another drink.

A bottle of lager and a white wine, please, Elmo.

She had one of my cocktails the first time she was here.

I know she did, and she drank it. That's why she wants a white wine.

You know, it occurs to me, Jacko, that you have finally reached your niche in

life. What niche is that, Elmo?

You have ended up as a bit of rough.

185.

Here you go.

I see you've bought a new duvet, then.

How do you know I've got a new duvet?

I saw your dog tearing at the shreds in the yard as I came in.

Still like having your bit of fun, I see.

Reg.

Hello.

Hello, Jacko.

Well, I suppose we had to bump into each other eventually, then.

On the cards, yes.

How are you?

I'm all right.

Gloria? What about Gloria?

Well, how is she?

Very well, thank you.

Still want to break my arm?

Not sure.

I don't think you do, eh?

Fifteen months ago now.

Yeah, seems longer.

No, it doesn't. No, of course it don't, no.

So what's the form then, Reg?

Better give her a drink, hadn't you?

Yeah, babe.

Cheers, then.

Yeah. All that.

Who was that?

That's my brother.

You never mentioned him before.

Did you get on well?

Yeah, like a house on fire.

There's a lot to be said for the Great British Compromise, isn't there?

Better than a disco.

Better than dog racing.

What are you laughing at?

I was just thinking of Philip.

Will you be adding to that statement?

No.

Do you know what I fancy now?

No.

Bubble and squeak.

You mean a smashing Cockney restaurant where they make lovely bubble and

Where? Henley -on -Thames.

Oh, how very authentic.

All right.

A restaurant in the Cockney style.

Has it got a barrel organ?

Yes. Has it got sawdust on the floor?

Yes. Do they serve the tea in mugs?

You can have it in a mug if you want it, yes. Is there a Victorian pole on top

of the barrel organ with flowers in it?

Oh, shut up.

The food's delicious.

We'll go next week.

You're doing it again, Leslie.

Doing what?

Well, you're telling me we're on taking you.

Oh, don't be so touchy.

Tell you what.

What?

It's compromise.

How?

Well, we know what compromise means, don't we?

Oh.

Hmm?

No, I really should get to bed.

Well, we're not exactly on top of the wardrobe.

To bed.

I've got to get up early in the morning. I've got a gliding lesson at eight o

'clock. I need to be fresh.

So do I.

Well,

I suppose.

I'm busy.

Oh, hello, yeah.

No, no, no, that'll be fine.

OK, bye.

I don't know how to say this, Leslie.

You think I should have that gliding lesson after all, don't you?

Well, yes.

Just who the hell do you think you are?

Something's cropped up.

Something had cropped up before the phone rang.

What was that?

My brother.

Chocolate digestive, Reg?

No, thank you.

I've got some salmon mousse in the fridge, if you prefer that.

Not really, no.

No.

Here.

You still got that snooker cue you had made for you?

No, I broke it.

Trying to get this mouse to come out of its hole.

Did you?

Lovely cue.

I used to covet that cue.

Not the only thing of mine you used to covet, was it?

You're referring to Gloria, aren't you, Reg?

Yes, I am.

Well, I wanted to explain. See, I didn't cover her, Reg. To tell you the truth,

I didn't even fancy her.

What's wrong with her? Beautiful though she is, I was going to say.

It's just that, well, we were victims of a certain atmosphere.

And I couldn't explain at the time because I was too busy being thrown out

house and chased up the road.

Well, I'd have caught you too, if I hadn't hit that lamppost.

Anyway, that was a long time ago now.

Here I am.

Do your explaining.

Well, for a start, the booze was flowing like water.

Well, I didn't want anybody to think I was stinking.

No, I respect that, Reg.

But two bottles of spirits per person is an overestimate in anyone's language.

All right, so we'd all had a few.

So anyway, there I was, having a bit of cold chicken behind the maid saver in

the kitchen, when suddenly, Gloria was there.

What do you mean, suddenly Gloria was there?

Do you mean she materialised like Doctor Who's telephone box?

No, I mean... Suddenly, she was, well, close.

Go on.

So we had a little kiss.

A little kiss?

When I came in the room, you had your hand shoved three yards up the back of

blouse.

Things like that happen at parties, Reg.

It wasn't a party.

It was my wedding reception.

Glory, it was my bride of three hours.

I felt rotten afterwards.

So you bloody should have.

I'm ever so sorry, Reg.

Yeah.

Well, 15 months ago now, several times Gloria said to me,

forgive and forget.

I suppose it's time I did.

Thanks, Reg.

Chocolate digestive?

No, no thank you.

Look, make it official.

Why don't you come out to tea tomorrow?

Yeah. That'll be fine.

About four o 'clock then.

I'll get some chocolate digestives in for you. Right.

Incidentally, I like your new perfume.

What is it, Lionel? I was just thinking of Rob Roy and that spider.

Robert the Bruce.

All right, all right.

The spider didn't give up, so he didn't give up. And I didn't give up.

That's the spirit.

All right, if you must know, I'll tell you.

What?

The answer to all our problems.

A trip.

holiday.

Nothing, Lionel. Where are we going?

Not us.

Leslie.

Why? To finish it once and for all between her and that dirty little toe

Jacko. Oh, I see. You throw them together on a holiday and they get tired

each other's company.

He's not going.

You know perfectly well I didn't mean that, Veronica.

Don't you run the risk of Leslie pining for him?

Pining doesn't come into this. She won't have time to pine.

I shall be jetting her to New York, on Concord, a week in the finest hotel in

Manhattan, over to Los Angeles for another week, back to New York, via

Florida, then home on the QE2.

I did enjoy our two weeks in Benny Dome last year.

You think she'll be mixing with proper people?

First -class people.

She'll be seeing him from a distance. She'll see him for what he really is.

An half pint of dirty water going down a plug hole.

It will work, won't it?

Lionel, you'll be lucky if you get change out of £10 ,000.

I don't care. I do not care what I pay for my daughter's happiness.

Whose happiness?

Oh, look, a father knows.

Tell me something, Lionel.

Have you come to believe that you actually gave birth to Leslie?

Don't be obscene, Veronica, please.

Well, you haven't said you're glad to see me yet.

Well, I didn't know you were coming.

Oh, I'm sorry. What am I supposed to do? Ring your secretary? Make an

appointment?

I said I'd phone.

I know that.

In the meantime, something came up. Now, put your coat on. We're going to Le

Touquet. Come again?

Le Touquet, France.

Oh, I know where it is.

Warwick Blunton's got a Cessna.

Is it painful?

A night aeroplane.

Warwick and his girlfriend are popping over to the 2K and they asked me if I'd

like to bring someone.

It'd be fun.

I'm sorry, Leslie, but I can't come.

Why not?

I've got a prior engagement.

Well, cancel it.

I could smack you all behind when you talk like that.

Is it an important appointment?

As a matter of fact, it is, yes.

What is it, then?

I'm going to tea with my brother.

Oh, not him again.

Yes, him again.

Well, that's not important.

How do you know?

Look, I said we'd go.

Well, unsay it, or take Philip with you. He could carry a champagne bucket for

you. Or stand on the wing of the aircraft and sing Flying Down to Rio if

want.

I'm sick of this.

You can't possibly justify having tea with your brother as being more

than making me look a fool at the flying club.

Well, can you?

I can, as a matter of fact, but I'm not going to.

I think you should know you are skating on thin ice.

I think you should know that you've just fallen through.

You are the definitive sport brat you are. Now, if you want someone to jump

through hoops for you, get a circus doll. You just can't stand a girl with a

mind of her own.

I can, so long as she doesn't think my mind's her own as well.

I don't have to take this from somebody like you.

Oh, I see.

Princess Leslie being insulted by a common commoner, is it? Well, you

don't know what good manners are about.

Your idea of good manners, Leslie, is me agreeing to everything that you say.

Thanks. Thank goodness that in five minutes I shall never have to see you

Why wait that long?

Oh, darling. Hello, Mummy.

Do you want a lift home? No, thanks.

If I do another half an hour, it means I can have another gin and tonic tonight.

I thought you were going to Le Touquet.

Yes, I was.

Little Hitch?

Calling me a spoiled brat.

Who does he think he is?

I think Jacko knows who he is.

How do you know it was Jacko?

Just a wild guess.

Arrogant pig.

Well, he can save his insults for somebody else. We're finished.

See you at home. Don't slam too many doors. Your father's...

Did I wake you, Daddy?

No, no, of course not, Angel.

Well, you're not going out this afternoon?

No, I think I'll stay at home.

I'll pass Mummy on the way.

I wish you'd have a word with her about all that jogging, bouncing about in

public like that.

I think I'll get changed.

No, just a minute.

While we've got a quiet moment, there's something I want to talk to you about.

If it's about... tidying my hair up. I'm not going round looking like Alice in

Wonderland for anybody.

No, darling, put your hair to one side for a moment.

Leslie, how would you like a wonderful holiday?

No, thanks.

Now, just a minute. Hear me out, Leslie. I should have said dream holiday.

Dream?

You listen to this.

You fly to New York...

On Concord, champagne all the way, a week in Manhattan, my kind of town, you

know. That's Chicago.

If you prefer it.

Then on to Los Angeles on the east coast.

West coast?

Yeah, of course you're right, west coast.

Taking Florida on the way back, then, listen to this.

You sail home from New York on the QE2.

First class, goes without saying.

What do you think?

I'd need a lot of spending money.

Oh, she would.

Will you go?

It might be just what I need.

Oh, you are lovely, bloody thing.

Oh, when they say children don't have respect for their parents anymore.

You know who you remind me of, don't you?

Mummy? No, me.

I'm going to get changed now.

I could tidy my hair up a little.

Oh, how thoughtful.

I'm not such a fool, am I?

I am not such a fool.

Leslie's going on that holiday.

Cost me a fortune, but I don't care.

Jacko's on his way out.

You needn't have bothered.

What? What are you talking about?

She's finished with him anyway.

In here again?

Looks like it, doesn't it?

Herbert.

What makes you think that?

Well, you're all done up.

Yeah.

Dood up as well.

Bit late, is he?

Only an hour and a half.

Perhaps he had a difficult poodle to clip.

He'd have him work Saturday.

Traffic? I wasn't born yet today.

I know when I've been stood up.

Funny, that.

Hysterical. No, the irony of it.

Me and Leslie have just come to grief.

Still, there you go. The end of another lollipop.

Was a silly name, wasn't it?

Herbert Lovey Bond.

I knew a girl called Jean Bean once.

A runner?

No, broad.

She had wide hips.

Lovely spinal structure, though.

Might as well go home, I suppose.

Is that really what you're going to do?

Probably wash me hair.

Make Saturday afternoon go with the real thing that does.

Must be something better to do than that.

Must that?

Yeah.

What?

You seen Rocky 18?

18? Yeah, it's a good film. I wouldn't mind seeing it myself.

Neither would I.

Still it's a thought, isn't it? Yeah.

Right, got to go.

Where are you going?

I'm going to tea with me brother. See you, Sandra.

I like you.

Pardon? You're always giving Jacko the elbow. That's why I like you.

Who was he trying to get you to go?

Pictures.

But I told him I was having tea with me brother.

Another chocolate digestive, Jacko?

Oh, no, thank you, Gloria. I think eight's enough.

Lovely tea, though. Very nice.

Oh, you'll have to come round to dinner.

She's a lovely cook, my Gloria.

You're a lucky man, Reg.

Thank you, Jacko.

Ah, this is nice, isn't it?

I mean, this is how we should be getting along.

Hear, hear.

I've got an idea.

Reg, why don't you pop down the off -licence and get us a nice bottle of

champagne?

Now, that is a good idea.

Here you are, Reg. Oh, no, no, no, none of that, son.

I'll tell you what, I'll get us all a nice bottle of Charles Iden feet.

It shan't be long, love.

Do you recognise these?

These were your wedding present, these were.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't know I had such good taste.

They're always admired.

Good.

Silly business, wasn't it?

Yes, I blame myself.

Oh, you shouldn't do that.

I mean, it takes two to tango, doesn't it?

Yeah, but it was me who asked for the first kiss, wasn't it?

I gave you one back, though, didn't I?

Ever so glad Reg came in when he did.

Oh, so am I.

Five minutes later and who knows what would have happened.

Still not worth talking about it now, eh?

Episode from the past.

Oh, quite.

A closed book now.

Mind you... What?

Oh, nothing.

Just a silly thought.

I always think a wall without a picture rail makes the room look taller, don't

you?

It's a silly thought.

Do you want to know what it is?

Not necessarily, Gloria, no.

If you and Reg hadn't fallen out, we would have seen quite a lot of each

during the normal course of events, and who knows?

We might even have had... an affair.

That is a silly thought, isn't it?

Shall we?

What?

F1. Gloria.

Regis on nights every other week.

He wouldn't know.

Look, it's not turning over a new leaf now, is it, Gloria?

I've always fancied you.

Oh, don't! Look, we're related.

In -laws don't count.

Look, now, stop it, Gloria, please.

The office is miles away.

Gloria, don't!

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of...

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.

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