Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you, because of you.

Thank you. Do you normally work on the Northern Line? Only I've travelled this

way all week, and I'm sure I would have noticed you.

Ticket, please.

Thank you.

Terribly boring and repetitive, your work. I can't help thinking that what

need is a lively outside pursuit.

Me.

Ticket, please.

Distant. I like that, because that's what I am.

Look, move along. You're holding your body up.

Ticket, please. Beautiful.

With a heart of stone.

From our sport.

Ticket, please.

twin brother been up yet?

He's very outgoing.

I'm timid to a fool.

Are you doing anything tonight?

Yes. I'm saying, ticket please.

Tonight, tonight.

What time do you get off?

Move along.

You're very authoritative.

I think it must be that hat.

I'll bet when you take that hat off, you're a different girl altogether.

You'll never know.

Life's done.

You're like... done.

Can you see my two triplet brothers, please?

Take your hat off. Go on.

Different person.

My name's Jacko. What's yours?

Serafina.

Serafina.

Some sort of angel, isn't it?

Most of the time.

Did you tell me what time you got off?

About ten minutes, actually.

Lovely. I'll tell you what. You pop along to the ladies and make yourself

more beautiful than what you are now, and I'll finish off here.

Ticket, please.

Tickets, thank you.

Thank you. Tickets, thank you.

Oi! Oi! Thank you.

Hello, sis, all right? Nice evening.

Promising. Thanks ever so much for babysitting. We really did appreciate

What can I say?

Well, sorry is no good.

I feel terrible. So you bloody should.

It's ages since Jean and I have been out. We were really looking forward to

Jacko. You go on, he says. Leave everything to me. I'll take care of the

Forget about everything but enjoying yourself, he says.

Well, we've had a wonderful time sitting here pacing up and down.

You can't sit and pace.

I can't tell you either.

You always have been irresponsible and you always will be.

I'll make this go.

Oh, now there's a surprise.

I was thinking you might have been held up at the British Museum.

Where's the Indian girl? Give you amnesia, did she?

No, everything just went out of me head.

I'm not sure there's ever been anything in there.

Oh, no, no, I tell a lie.

Women, that's all that's been in your head.

I bet when Mum wheeled you down the road in the pram, you used to try and pull

all the little girl babies in their pram.

Why don't you go out now, eh?

And where do you suggest?

An all -night long...

I'll make it up to you, I promise.

What are you going to do? Move?

I'll tell you what.

Saturday morning, I'll look after the kids and I'll take them shopping and you

have a line.

When you take our kids shopping, it's for your benefit, not ours.

You use our kids as a means of chatting up shop assistants.

I'm their uncle, Jean. Do you really think I'd do anything like that?

Yeah. You ought to pay the higher charge.

Dogs are good as well.

You ever thought of getting a dog, Jenny?

You were a bat.

You want a cup of tea?

Please.

I really am sorry, Eric.

Oh, that's all right.

If you that's frittering your own life away, I'm quite happy as I am, thank

Yeah, but for how long?

Meaning what?

Well, I mean, the years fly past.

Before you know it, you start to get a paunch.

Lose your hair?

The oldest swinger in town.

Belly hanging out over your trousers.

Bald head shining like a light out.

A ridiculous figure with no one to go home to.

Look, it's a well -known fact that younger girls prefer older men.

It's a fallacy.

Oh, yeah, you might impress her for five minutes because you know what the wine

list is all about.

But you wait till you take her to the disco afterwards.

You'll just come across as what you are.

Look,

he's holding it in now.

Already you are holding it in. I'm not.

Oh, it is rotten when you see someone like that, though, ain't it?

Take that bloke in the floral shirt and join the bells on New Year's Eve.

I remember him.

Pathetic.

50 years old if he was a day.

Gold bracelet and medallion, pan out of a bottle.

Except he'd forgotten to do his neck.

Hello?

One moment, please. I'll just check.

It's Serafina. You in? Yeah.

He's just coming.

Hello,

Serafina.

Well, she left you by herself.

Well, they can be rotten fitted, can't they?

Well, no, I'd be nervous in a flat all by myself.

Yeah, I'll be round in 20 minutes.

Bye.

Well, just making the most of the few days left of me.

Collars and tie?

Yes, collars and ties.

Just because we're painting a conservative club?

It is a question of protocol.

Why are you trying to get in?

I'm already in.

I've been a member for over a year now.

Well, I'd take anyone then.

Don't worry about us letting the company down, Lionel. Me and Eric have painted

convents, haven't we, Eric?

Yeah, we all know what happened there, don't we?

So just remember, one word of complaint about either of you and you'll be

painting drainpipes for the rest of the year. From the inside.

Because I'll be stuffing you up them.

Yes, Lionel. Yes, Lionel.

What's the colour scheme then, Lionel? Yeah.

It's funny, it should be blue, isn't it?

That's a very provocative thing to do, Zandra.

Why? I'll get the gear then, shall I? Oh, why not?

What can possibly be provocative about daisling?

Well, it's the feminine but insistent way that your hand's pressing down on

handle. You see, I can't help but imagine them, femininely and

pressing me back down on the bed.

Or imagine them holding you underwater.

That's unkind.

I really should have learned not to say why to your silly remarks.

Yeah, I agree.

So I say yes.

No.

Nothing is what I should say.

Nothing at all. I love the way you purse your lips when you say nothing.

People purse their lips when they're firing poison darts as well.

Look, Sandra, what is this yawning chasm between us?

Just because the only twice we've been out, we've had a bit of bad luck. I've

had the bad luck.

One more chance?

No. And I thought Piscean's had a very forgiving nature.

I don't know what they have.

I'm a Leo.

Oh, sorry, I must be mixing you up with somebody else.

See your face, he says it.

Look, Sandra, I'm an open book to be read. Well, I don't want to read you.

Look at the pictures.

No. Look, just because we've had two unfortunate dates... Disastrous dates.

All right, disastrous.

But think how lovely they could have been if everything had been right.

That'd make you curious, doesn't it?

All right.

What about Saturday afternoon?

Leading one hopes to a Saturday evening... Stop there.

I'm dressmaking Saturday evening.

I'm a dabam with a tape measure.

All right, Saturday afternoon.

I am not a one -man band.

Have some sensitivity, Eric, please.

Sandra was just asking me out.

Eric.

has to be done.

It's just that I don't like other people's doorstep.

Except yours, of course.

Do stop creeping, Philip.

For your information, your father called me a very personable young man the

other day.

That's because you creep round him as well.

I do not.

Lionel and I are not only fellow conservatives, we see eye to eye over

I do wish one of you would talk to me about it.

I keep trying to.

But you're so distant lately.

Oh, don't be such a worm.

You were all over me in Kitzbühel.

And don't keep saying that. I was drunk most of the time.

Sometimes you shock me.

How very nice.

To see you again.

Oh, my God.

Charming. That's me. I'm off.

No, don't go in there. Oh, no. Don't keep quiet. It's a French state.

I just came out here to tell you I think you are a pig.

We established that last time we met.

Now then, leave me alone.

I told you I find your personality very sterile and you're physically

unattractive. Are you a pig? Yes. Yes.

Call me vain if you like. I don't believe you.

The first time you saw me, I brought up a dog.

No, I'd been to the optician. He'd given me these drops, and my vision was

blurred. Don't tell lies.

Then you'd take me out once and ditch me. Now, what is going on?

I told you I'd find you, your body.

I'll blow this for a game of soldiers.

What are you talking about?

I work for your father.

So what?

So what?

He thinks of me as some lower form of life.

If he knew I was seeing you, he'd have me exterminated.

Daddy? Yes, Daddy.

But he's a lad.

Who eats painters?

Now, it pains me to say this, Leslie, but will you please leave me alone?

I'm not doing anything Saturday evening.

Oh, don't.

Look, I can wrap Daddy around my little finger. He's no problem.

We are talking about the same Lionel, aren't we?

Leave him to me.

Hello, Daddy.

Hello, Angel. I'm just doing a bit of paperwork.

Oh, Daddy, I do wish you wouldn't work so hard.

I'm just building fairy castles for my little girl, that's all.

But I get worried for you, because I love you, Daddy.

Other men have daughters.

I have a legend.

Daddy, there's something I want to tell you. What's that, darling?

I'm going out with Jacko tomorrow night.

Huh?

Daddy? You are bloody not!

What? I don't have many rules, Leslie, so far as you're concerned.

You don't have any?

Well, I've just made one up. You're not going out with Jacko in X -Final.

I see.

I'm only thinking of you, Leslie.

You shouted.

I didn't mean to.

And swore.

I could cut my tongue out.

Go ahead.

Look, you don't understand.

It's my duty to protect you from gutter snipes. If I seem harsh, it's because I

love you.

I don't think you love me at all.

I do.

I do.

Stop holding my feet.

Look, have a gift. Have some money.

I don't want anything from you.

Who are you phoning?

Air France.

Air France?

They're French.

Really?

Both were.

Je voudrais un billet à Charles de Gaulle, s 'il vous plaît. Look, speak

English, please, Angel. Daddy's at a loss.

I'm flying to Paris.

Why?

I'm going back to the Sorbonne. No.

Look, you mustn't. You've done enough Sorbonne -ing.

I'm obviously not wanted here.

How can you say that?

It's like the Barretts of Wimpole Street.

Who are they?

Do I know them?

Repression.

I'm not allowed to lead a life of my own.

I am only saying no to one little dirtmonger, that's all.

I'll go and stay with Monsieur and Madame Duval again.

They seem to like me.

Perhaps I'll do a three -year course this time.

All right.

Go out with Jacko. Send me to an early grave.

Daddy.

There's nothing to worry about.

It's only a date.

You know me. And I're in his company and I could never want to see him again.

Yeah.

What sort of percentage of likelihood is there in that?

Roughly. Don't worry.

You treat me very badly sometimes, Leslie.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I don't mean to.

It must be mummy coming out in me.

I know.

I know it's not you, Leslie.

I wish you'd stop singing that.

I wonder if Lionel will let you into his house before he kills you, or do it on

the doorstep.

Look, there might be a sight of Lionel that we haven't seen.

Yeah, probably the one where he turns green and his shirt splits open.

Leslie says she can twist him round her little finger.

And you believe that, do you?

Well, it might be true.

It's got to be true if you're to survive.

And me, Lionel's daughter.

Look, Leslie is a woman first and Lionel's daughter second.

Not the way he sees it.

I tried to get you a bulletproof vest in, Mark.

Not you as well.

Where are the children?

Oh, the little children? They're in the garden.

Talking of children, Jacko, would you do me a favour?

Yeah. Would you look after him this afternoon?

Oh. Oh.

I've got a date.

You said you were seeing Leslie this evening.

Yeah, I know, but I'm seeing Sandra this afternoon.

I shouldn't have asked.

Never mind.

What did you want to do then, darling?

Well, I met Angela out shopping. Her and Eddie are going ice skating this

afternoon. They asked us to go.

Oh, that'd be nice.

I can't remember the last time we went ice skating.

Yeah. It's an Angela and Angel.

We used to get on well, didn't we, the four of us? Yes.

Never mind.

Well, take the kids with you. They'll love it.

Little skates and things.

Jacko, you wouldn't know this, but mummies and daddies like a little change

sometimes. Just sometimes, mummies and daddies like to play with other grown

-ups. You don't have to keep on picking up grown -ups and taking them to the

laboratory, do you?

Don't you take my kids ice skating?

You don't know what you're talking about.

Any other Saturday, eh?

Yeah, all right.

I'm doing it again, aren't I? The case of the disappearing uncle.

Still, fair enough. It is a date.

Thanks, Eric.

Well, it's only twice we haven't been able to go out because of you this week.

Oh, that's not fair.

No, I know.

I'll start the lunch.

All right, all right. Come on, come on. I'll take them with me.

You can go ice skating. Oh, thanks, Jacko. Do that.

You won't regret it, Jacko.

If Sandra kills you this afternoon and Lionel kills you this evening, I'll give

you two lovely funerals, I promise.

Hello,

Sandra.

Are they yours?

No, no, no, I'm their uncle.

This is Katie and this is Susie.

This is Auntie Sandra.

Who?

Oh, sorry, Sandra.

This is Sandra.

Aren't they nice?

Lovely.

What are they doing here?

My sister wanted to go ice skating.

Well, I'm glad your sister's doing something she wanted to do.

I owed her a favour, Sandra.

They're smashing kids. They weren't getting away.

Of what?

Oh, having a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon.

See?

You can actually have a lot of fun with kids, can't you? Oh, yes.

I'm having a wonderful time.

They like you.

I'm glad.

Sandra? Why's your name Sandra?

I don't know.

They make you little questions they ask, don't they?

I'm enraptured.

Sandra?

What? Do you love Uncle Jacko?

No.

She just likes me.

She does. She just likes me.

Do you want to go on the swings?

Not a lot, no.

Seesaw? No.

You have a go on the seesaw.

With a big weight that drops on the other end and catapults you over those

trees.

Is she funny, that Aunty Sandra?

I need to see you for a minute.

There's a good girl.

All right, I'll be back in a minute.

Oh, you're not going, are you? Oh, I've got to. I find too much excitement in

one afternoon makes me feel faint.

You haven't made this easy for me, Sandra.

Am I supposed to?

I mean, what is it?

What have you got against me?

The first time we went out, there just happened to be another girl waiting for

you. The second time you take off in pursuit of a runaway nun.

This afternoon, you expect me to play Mary Poppins because your sister wanted

go ice skating.

We're just dogged by bad luck.

No, I'm dogged by you.

Honestly, Sandra, I had no choice.

Look, I was supposed to babysit the other night, but I got held up on the

And, well, I couldn't say no today.

Everett, I'm sorry, Sandra.

Yes, well...

What time do you have to get the children back, then?

Half five.

Why?

Well, I must be a masochist, but I could rearrange things and come out this

evening.

You're going out with somebody else this evening.

You did say he was only free this afternoon.

Oh, don't bury us up in the sand!

Yes, Katie?

Doesn't Sandra work quickly?

Well,

I'm terribly disappointed, Mr. Pembridge.

I don't mind admitting.

Well, how do you think I feel, Philip?

You know I hold you in very high regard, but Leslie's made her mind up.

Can't feet be put down?

She's put hers down first. You know what she's like.

I'm beginning to think it's about time I took a stronger line with that young

lady. Oh, I wish you would, Philip.

Yes, I will.

If she'll let me see her again.

That'd be right, Philip.

I'd better be running along.

Good night, Philip.

Good night, Mr Bainbridge.

Who was that?

That was Philip.

Oh.

I've just turned away a merchant banker so my daughter can go out with a rotten

painter.

Don't be a snob, Lionel. You were a painter once.

I was a painter with ambition.

The first time I took you out, I told you there was more to me than met the

Jacko? Going nowhere.

Except for perdition.

If he is, then let Leslie find that out for herself. She's a grown woman.

She's my little girl.

You didn't bat an eyelid when she went to catch you, Philip.

Philip is a young conservative.

And a wet.

How am I, Leslie, going to see anything in a lout like Jacko? I don't

understand.

Obvious. He's charming and attractive.

He's depraved.

If he is, then let Leslie find that out for herself as well.

Oh, I see. And I'm supposed to go out tonight and calmly eat steak Diane, am

Oh, Abdo the soul.

Mothers are supposed to frighten the life out of their daughters about blokes

like Jacko at an early age.

Don't start on me, Lionel. If you feel that strongly about it, why did you let

Leslie wheedle you round in the first place?

I can't give her orders, Veronica. She's not a child.

Oh, God.

Well, what do you think?

Don't come downstairs and you slip, Lily. There's a good girl.

This is my dress.

Dress?

Shouldn't it be another part to it?

Daddy, you look nice, Mum. So do you.

You won't see it, will you?

All right there, have you?

He's here.

Evening, Lionel.

Evening.

Better come in.

Right.

Hello,

Leslie.

These are for you, Mrs Bainbridge.

Sweet thing to do.

Don't sit down.

Lionel?

Drink? Oh, yes, please. What's up?

Well, I like what you're having.

Right.

You look very nice, Leslie.

What was that?

He said I look...

Well, of course she looks very nice. She's my daughter.

So, where are you two going this evening, eh?

Nowhere. We thought we'd stay in. In?

You can't stay in. Your mother and I are going out.

Did you suggest this?

No. It was my idea.

Jack has got a video we want to see.

We'll shoot the video.

Or sit down.

I think we'll stay in, Veronica.

I know.

We enjoyed the book.

All right.

We won't be out long then.

Well, I hope you both have a very pleasant evening. Thank you.

Smarmy. I'll get my coat.

Leslie, be an angel, get Daddy's driving gloves for him, would you?

I'll push the car if it will get you out of the house.

Listen, you.

You got yourself into my house, just remember you've got to get out again.

I advise you most strongly to keep dirt out of your head. You lay one finger on

my Leslie and I'll break it. Then I'll break the hand that joins on to the

finger and then the arm that joins on to the hand.

Do I need to go on?

No, you're coming in loud and clear, Lionel.

Oh, thank you, Angel.

You got the phone number of the restaurant, haven't you?

Mummy, please get him out. Come on, Lionel.

Have a nice evening.

Thank you very much, Mrs Bainbridge.

Come on, Lionel.

Honestly, you'd think I was 15 years old.

No, I wouldn't.

Anyway, forget it.

Come on.

Yeah, I'm fine. Another drink?

No, I haven't finished this one yet.

Well, it's been a bumpy ride, hasn't it?

It certainly has.

But here we are.

It's a lovely big room, this, isn't it?

Nice sofa.

Yeah.

Very squashy.

I do like those curtains.

What is the matter with you?

You're jumping around like a frightened thing of me.

Leslie, I am a frightened thingamajig. What, me?

Oh, don't be silly.

What, then? Your father.

Look, Lionel may have let me through his outer defences, but I think he's rather

reserved about me actually storming the castle, if you see what I mean. I see.

But once thought does occur, how does he actually find out?

It is quite silly though, isn't it?

We're home!

We're home!

Wesley!

Hello, Daddy.

Where is he? Did you miss me, Lionel?

What were you doing in there?

Making some coffee.

There's more in the pot if you want some.

Did you have a nice meal?

I don't remember.

So, what have you two been doing then?

We told you, watching the video, I've walked the ship down.

Oh, yeah.

It's about dogs, isn't it?

Rabbits. Oh, yeah.

I'm just trying to think what some of their names were.

Does it matter?

No, no, but as Jack has just been watching the video, perhaps he could

me. Names of the rabbits?

Yeah.

Well, then, Hazel, Fiver, Heisenflay, General Womble.

All right.

57.

I don't know.

Oh, don't you?

We watched the video. We didn't read the book.

Oh, yeah.

You think we'll get some coffee now, Sherlock?

Yeah, all right.

I'm glad you enjoyed the video.

Yes, we did.

Magic, Mrs Bainbridge. Absolutely magic.

It must have been. The machine's been broken since Tuesday.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.

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