Original subtitles

Because of you, these friends I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, oh.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, play Abbott with your eyes, O'Dandles, don't they? I'll let my skin

at home, too.

It's funny, isn't it? When you look yourself in the mirror, it's as though

somebody completely different's looking back at you.

There is.

It's me.

That's a lot.

Right, I think I'll just phone Watson's and tell him we've taken delivery.

I'll just sign the delivery note.

No, the personal touch, Eric.

I do believe in the hurly -burly of the modern business world that the personal

touch is often overlooked.

You want to speak to your little midget wife, don't you? Yeah, she does down

night. Like summer rain on water lilies.

With a face like the back of a bus.

No, sensual beauty's what we're on about here. You've never even seen her. Well,

I've got an imagination.

Yeah, and it's driving you mad because she won't go out with you. Yeah, it's

funny, that.

What is? That you can be resisted? No, I've been resisted loads of times.

It's just that when I talk to her on the phone, she comes across as very warm,

almost flirty.

Then when I ask her out, she just doesn't seem to want to know. Perhaps

has heard of dirty.

How you can class...

A genuine affection for the opposite sex as dirt is beyond you.

Morning.

Daddy in?

Daddy?

Never mind.

Daddy, can you let me have 50 quid?

Angel.

What are you playing at? That's Lionel's daughter.

I thought it was when she called him Daddy. I'm quick like that.

So what?

I took her out the other night.

I didn't know you had a death wish, Jacko. I didn't know who she was when I

her out.

Then we're sitting in the pub and she tells me who she is.

What did you do?

Well, I thought what Lionel would do to me and then I did what any gentleman

would do.

I did a bunk out the lavatory window.

How come it's taken her so long to turn you into the godfather in there?

She can't. She don't know who I am.

How much is my silence worth?

A smack in the face?

I think I'll be better off in the store cupboard disguised as a tin of glass.

I think I'm going to get ravaged by a crowd of sex -crazed pinkies. They're

animals, Leslie.

I'm a married man.

Married animals, some of them. You're out of the arc, Danny. Yeah, at least

people in the arc knew right from wrong, Leslie.

Someone nailed you to that floor, Eric. I'm just going.

Where's Jacko?

Having a tinkle.

Oh, rag.

How that ever produced her is beyond me. I don't even think about her. Come on,

let's get on with it.

No, just a minute, Eric. It's just the little courtesies in life, like thanking

someone for an order efficiently delivered to all the wheels of industry.

I don't believe you.

Hello, Watson.

Can you put me through to Julian Sales, please?

Hello, you.

It's me.

I just rang to thank you for the lovely way you organised that order.

And incidentally, I mean, your handwriting on the delivery note tells

deal about your character, you know.

Well, I'd say you were a little willful, intelligent, obviously.

You don't suffer fools gladly, but you do have a deep warmth and affection for

the right person, eh?

Me? Oh, what can I say about myself?

Well, pretty reserved, really.

Shy, even.

Very much the loner.

But I, too, have a deep warmth and affection for the right person.

So, anyway, what are you doing tonight?

No? Oh, all right, I'll speak to you soon.

Well, I'd have swooned if you'd said all that to me.

What are you doing tonight?

Get off my desk!

If I didn't know you better, Sandra, I'd say that you were being very hostile.

I am.

Why?

Look, I'm not a substitute sitting on the bench waiting to go on to your field

of play.

Oh, look, Sandra, even if Julie had agreed to come out with me tonight, I

would have took you out tomorrow night. And my grandmother the night after, I

suppose. I don't know. What's she like?

What is wrong with you?

Don't you ever have a lasting relationship with anyone?

I did have an enduring relationship once with a girl called Olivia.

Oh. How long did you go out with her for, then?

Three weeks.

Hello, Sandra.

Oh, hello, Mr Bainbridge. Hello, Mr Bainbridge. Hello, Jacko.

Pastel colours suit you, you know, Mrs Bainbridge. Thank you.

So, Andrew, would you... Oh, hello, Veronica. You, out!

Yes, Lionel. He's going nowhere.

Oh, no? Why?

Don't question my wife.

Why?

Because he's a painter, Lionel. Weeks and weeks I've been asking you to get

door at home painted. Veronica, I am trying to run a business. Then I'll pay

you. But he is coming home with me now to paint that door.

In here.

Stay there, Jacko.

I don't want him in my house. Why?

Because of our child.

She is 21 years old.

Am I the only one to see the dangers?

No, but I'm the only one who has to look at that door all day.

Come along, Jacko.

Don't ever get married, Sandra.

Have a lovely daughter, by all means, but don't ever get married.

Come on, Mr Bainbridge.

Oh, you don't waste any time, do you?

No, I like to get in, get on and get out, Mrs Bainbridge. Would you like a

coffee?

No, thank you. No, I'll carry on, thank you.

Leslie, would you like a coffee?

No, thanks.

Pardon?

No, thank you.

Oh, you're home early.

Leslie in the house?

Yeah, she's upstairs.

He hasn't seen her, has he? No.

Come on, get a move on. How long's it take you to paint the door? I'm on it,

on it.

Is that you, Daddy?

Yeah, don't come down, Angel, don't come down.

Daddy's got a surprise for you.

Would you like a coffee?

No, thanks.

Oh, Gwen and David have asked us round for drinks this evening. Sorry, I can't.

I've got a lodge meeting.

Can't you miss it for once? No, I can't. I got the arts group from Twickenham

coming tonight.

Well, I don't want to go on my own. Don't then. Stay at home.

And do what? I don't know.

Record something on your new video. There's nothing I want to record.

£800, I paid for that. For God's sake, put it to some use. Oh, you're hopeless.

Right, finished.

I'm coming down.

Out, out.

Go, go.

Who was that?

Who? Oh, nobody you want to know.

What? What's the surprise, then?

Oh, er, money. Have some money, my darling.

Thanks.

Can I help you?

Do you know a girl called Julie works in the sales department?

Oh, yes, I do.

Well, can you tell me if she's gone yet?

OK, Julie. See you tomorrow. Bye -bye. Bye.

Hello, you.

It's me.

You're Jacko. The very same.

I don't like having the initiative taken away from me. Tough.

Look, I'm fed up with being tantalised on the telephone. I thought it was time

that we met.

Well, now we have.

Oh, just a minute.

Don't do that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Look, please.

What?

I've bust a gut getting round here to see you.

Now, where are we going?

Haven't you noticed anything?

Yes. Thanks for your curry.

What's the point?

Hunger.

I don't like poppadoms.

Well, we'll have chapatis then. Now, look, can I open the doors for you? Or

you normally whiz across the floor every night and crash straight through them?

All right.

Come on.

Good night.

I'm fed up with pushing you now.

Well, you did insist.

Ah, but I've realised something. What?

Well, I've been talking to the back of your head for the last two miles.

Look at your face.

I'd like to think that you were smiling pleasantly at our conversation.

But for all I know, you could be sitting there going... I am smiling pleasantly.

So you are.

Good.

Confidence fully restored.

I shall now tell you...

All about my adventures in the Swiss Navy.

There's no need. We're here.

Oh, this is where you live, then?

Where did you think I'd live?

I don't know, really.

Who looks after you?

Me.

I look after me.

Thanks for the curry, Jacko.

Thanks for the evening. I enjoyed it. So did I.

Aren't you going to ask me in for a coffee or anything?

Not for a coffee or anything.

I'm never so thirsty.

Shame.

Looks like it's going to be.

Look.

I want you to take this on a purer level altogether.

Do you really want a hand with anything?

No, I'm fine.

Truly. All right. See you tomorrow, then.

Who said?

We've got to go back to that Indian restaurant. You left your lipstick

No, I didn't.

Well, it must be mine, then.

Either way, we'll have to go back.

All right.

Pick you up from work, then?

Sure there's nothing?

No, thank you.

Good night, Jacko.

Yeah. Good night, Julie.

Oh!

How do I get home from here, anyway?

Where do you live?

Budapest. 39 bus.

It's just a matter of time, innit?

What is?

Well, sooner or later, you and Lionel's baby girl are going to come face to

face. Not necessarily.

We probably don't move in the same social circles. No, but she has become

to popping into the office to ask Daddy for the odd thousand pounds, hasn't she?

Plastic surgery expensive?

Well, that's a very good question. Because if Lionel finds out, you're

need plastic surgery.

Ah, come on, Eric.

Lionel's bark is worse than his bite. Not where Leslie's concerned.

Do you remember Stanley Goforth?

Stanley Goforth?

He left, didn't he?

Didn't he fall off some scaffolding? He didn't.

Rumour had it that Lionel threw him off some scaffolding.

He didn't, did he?

Why? Well, Lionel discovered an orange handprint on the back of Leslie's dress

and Stanley Goforth was using orange paint that day. Correct.

Oh, dear.

Still a bit of danger adds spice to life, Eric.

Keeps you on the run, if that's what you mean.

I keep telling you, you'd be far better off settling down.

No, I haven't met the ideal woman yet.

Well, what's she like, this ideal woman?

Well, competent, really.

All lovely little bits of look, the nature and quirky bits, all in one

What, a sort of short but tallish, fair but darkish plump thing girl with one

black leg and one white one?

Yeah, that's her.

Do you know anyone like that?

Not around here. No.

Who did you go out with last night?

A voice from Watson's.

Oh. You've cracked it, then. What's she like?

Nice. A bit prickly, but nice.

Hello, lad.

What are you having then?

Nothing.

Nothing for me, thanks.

I like to pop home lunchtime. You know, being a married animal.

Serious boy, isn't he?

Only at work, Lionel. What are you having?

I'll have a pot of lager, please. A pot of lager, please. Right.

I've been eating for ages, Lionel.

You're supposed to be an expert about women.

Oh, an earnest apprentice, Lionel, no more.

Careful.

The sewage works will need painting soon.

Sorry, Lionel.

What's the matter?

Well, this friend of mine seems to be having a bit of trouble with his wife.

192.

Still go down to Pine Hill shop, Lionel. Oh, no.

We haven't sent round now.

Sit down, shall we, Jago? Yeah.

Friend having a bit of trouble with his wife, you were saying, Lionel?

God knows why. He treats her like royalty.

Generous bloke, is he?

To a fault.

So what's wrong with him?

Well, she seems to have got into her head that he neglects her.

And does he? Of course he doesn't.

It's just he's got a number of outside interests she doesn't see eye to eye

with. Other women?

No. No, he's a faithful husband, true and faithful husband.

I feel sorry for this friend of yours, Lionel. He's obviously married a wrong

'un. No, he hasn't. She's a lovely woman.

I'm sorry, Lionel. You're confusing me.

Well, because he's a nice bloke, this friend of mine, he wants to,

you know, he wants to... Get out the doghouse. No. No.

He wants her to know, well, you know...

This is a very romantic person we're talking about, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, I

suppose he is. He just gets taken the wrong way a lot. He can't say things.

not ignorant.

No, no, no, no. He can't say the things that she wants to hear. You know, like,

I love you.

She knows that.

Yeah, but she still likes to hear it said.

Couldn't he buy her something instead?

No.

Look, why doesn't he take her to a little restaurant that they used to go

when they first met?

Well, that dump.

Where did he used to go?

I, uh, I used to see them in there.

No, not a dump.

Somewhere nice.

Not flashy, but somewhere that holds memories for both of them.

Yeah.

He might be able to think of a place like that.

And not get your coat on, you're coming out. It's, will you make my evening by

coming out with me?

Does he have to say all that?

Yeah, this is what she wants.

How do you know?

Oh, I'm guessing.

And he has to say to her... that she is the most beautiful person in the

restaurant. She might not be.

In your eyes.

His eyes? Yeah, his eyes, yeah.

Suppose my friend says, would you make my evening by coming out with me? She's

just darky to him.

Well, then he looks her in the eye and he says,

don't.

Don't what?

Don't. It's a...

It's a mould reproof.

Don't. No, that's an order.

No, stop that.

Don't.

Don't. A little more hurt.

Don't.

Don't.

See?

He won't come across as a bit of a puff, will he?

No, I don't think so.

What else should he say?

Well, it doesn't matter, just as long as it's what he really feels.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for the advice.

You're welcome.

You're round.

Has Lionel gone?

Yes, about half an hour ago.

Jacko? What?

Does he belong to an amateur dramatic society?

No, I don't think so. Why? Well, he's been talking to himself all afternoon.

Well, we all know Lionel's halfway round the twist, don't we? No.

I mean, it was as though he was rehearsing something.

Well, maybe he was.

Maybe we're about to see Lionel's bottom in Regent's Park.

You know something I don't.

All right, I'll tell you.

But just between me and you, I've been giving Lionel lessons on how to chat up

his wife.

How to chat up his own wife?

Well, not so much chatter up. More to make her feel nice, you know, say the

right things.

Well, he's always nice as pie to me.

Ah, well, he's learnt his lesson with a female staff.

Witness Miss Millichip.

Yeah, the girl that was here before you.

Now, he spoke to her like he speaks to his wife, and she put a staple straight

through his earlobe.

Right, enough of this office banter.

Where do you think you're going?

Listen, Mitch, you are just an office worker round here. I'm very nearly a

company director.

Special responsibility for stirring pots of paint.

Look, I'm going out tonight, so I'm going to get changed.

Who is?

Julie from Watson's, all right. She must be barmy, falling for that old line of

codswallop you were giving her on the phone.

That went out with Alexander Graham Bell.

Look, I've been out with her once and I'm going to take her out again. Now get

on with your work. Or scrub the floors or something. Or better still, vacate

these premises while I get changed.

Oh, go ahead.

It doesn't bother me.

No, I'll change in your office.

Coward!

Yes? You'd better have the key your side of the door. You'll feel safer.

Because I don't want to, Philip.

I don't owe you any explanation.

I was not all over you and Kit's Buell.

That was apres -ski.

What did you say?

Well, if there are other fish in the sea, I suggest you go fishing.

Preferably in shark -infested waters.

You've gone off, men.

Yes, I have.

I hate them all.

Not doing as you tell them. They're either childish or uncouth.

They can be other things.

Like what?

I can't remember.

I got dumped last week.

He just left me in a pub. Left me sitting there.

Who? Some yob. You do have an edge to your tongue, Leslie.

Perhaps you simply met someone who didn't do Philip's well -known

of a doormat.

We were getting along fine.

He just disappeared.

Perhaps he lost his nerve.

No, he wasn't short on nerve.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm talking about him. He obviously made an

Being kicked in the head by a horse would make an impression.

Well, I'm glad you're not brooding about it. Where are you going now, Angel? I

generally am when I'm pointing in this direction.

You haven't refused her anything, have you? What would be the point? If I did,

you'd give it to her. I only want the best for her, Veronica. All the things

could never have afforded when we were young.

Are you sure we weren't happier when we were poor?

Of course we weren't. You can't be.

Oh, I don't know.

Remember our little flat?

Bug -utch.

It was cosy. Yeah. All that damp under the windows was warm, wasn't it?

I used to see more of you in those days, too. Sometimes now you come in and I

wonder who you are.

Don't be silly, Veronica. I'm unmistakable. Yeah, that's true.

Anyway, I'm not out at night gallivanting. I'm working for us. I'm

doors. Oh, are you taking a part -time job as a doorman?

You know what I mean.

contacts, people in high places. That's why I'm so keen on the lodge.

Lodge? It's just a glorified drinking club.

You have never seen me come home drunk from a lodge meeting.

No, I'm always in bed.

I've heard you falling about downstairs, though.

Oh, stop carping. We're going out. Get your...

Anyhow, now.

Would you make my evening by coming out with me?

Are you being sarcastic?

Don't.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lionel.

I know where we'll go. That little restaurant near Victoria Station where I

to meet you from work.

What a lovely idea.

We haven't been there for years.

I'll get ready.

You'll be the most beautiful woman in that restaurant.

I might not be.

Through my eyes, you will be.

Veronica, I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll get a taxi, cos we'll be having...

What's her name?

Who? The one who's going to have the vulgar seat thrust under her nose

Discreet. And her name's Julie.

Julie Christie, Julie Andrews. No, I went out with him last week.

Julie, she's not that little crack you ditched in here last week, is she?

No. Oh, good.

Why good?

Pub entertainment.

Oh. Yes.

Oh. Don't bother to buy me a drink.

I just came in here to tell you I think you are a pig.

Absolutely right.

Good night.

What do you mean, good night?

Well, you said that's all you came in here to say.

A half an hour, I thought. They're waiting for you to come out of the

Well, you should have gone home.

You should have come out.

I couldn't.

Were you ill?

No, I did a bunk out the window.

Why?

Why? Because... Have you got a ticket?

Because I saw no point in prolonging the relationship that patently wasn't going

to work.

We'd only been here five minutes.

Long enough.

Look, if you were worried about my accent... No, that didn't bother me.

just that... Well, I found your personality very cold, very sterile.

How dare you?

And there's another thing, the physical side. What about it?

Well, physically, you do nothing for me.

What's wrong with me?

Nothing. It's just that you don't register on my screen, that's all.

You're no oil painting.

Blokes don't have to be. I never want to see you again.

Excellent. Absolutely excellent.

I mean it. Good.

I'm going.

Good night.

If you think that acting like Attila the Hun is some sort of sexual turn on, you

are deluding yourself.

Look, it is nothing like that. I just don't thank you.

You pig!

You said that.

I'm going.

I've never known anybody take so long to get through a door, have you?

Count on me, Jacko.

Why? Because you are obviously a desperate Neil Peart.

Thank you.

Incidentally, you steered me all wrong about the 39 bus last night.

Didn't it go to Budapest?

No, only one as far as the Vienna bus depot.

You're a smashing girl, Julie.

You're not bad as a bloke.

Oh, really?

I like the sound of that. Now, you may expound if you want to.

Well, you make me laugh.

You're attentive without being smothering. Bit of a nutcase.

You actually listen to me as opposed to waiting for me to finish so that you can

get on to your subject.

And of course you don't let this bother you.

Yeah, I am quite nice, aren't I?

I left out modesty.

Ah. Here, can you be had up for being drunk in charge of a wheelchair?

No, Darth.

Right, we'll have a brandy then.

Oh, no, I won't actually.

I think I ought to be getting home.

Much better idea. We'll have one when we get in, eh?

No.

Draco, can you see a relationship for us that doesn't include going to bed

together?

No.

Well, unless... Oh, no.

It's nothing like that.

Well, what is it, then?

Well, I just don't fancy you.

Pardon?

Don't make it more difficult.

You certainly don't beat about the bush, do you?

I'm sorry.

No, it's all right. I much prefer it. It's the one argument that there's...

Well, there's no answer to.

Well, we could be friends.

I'd like to, Julie, but... Well, I'm not very good at platonic.

Usually ends up in tears.

Mainly mine.

Well, there doesn't seem to be anything else to say.

No, I suppose not.

Come on, I'll take you home.

Oh!

It's funny, isn't it?

What is?

Well, me giving you the push.

and Eric reckon to finish up at Stephanie's then?

Tuesday. Right. Dave and Monty finish up at the Flaps on Tuesday and all.

So one team can go straight on to Miss Barton's Dance Academy and the other

can go straight on to the sewage works.

Guess which one you're getting.

Why? Because I'm in a bad mood and when I'm in a bad mood I find it a kind of a

sell to put you on a job I know you'll hate.

That is victimisation, Lionel.

Exactly.

Who's put your no doubt a joint? Someone's upkept my daughter.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Couldn't get a triple word out of her last night banging about upstairs.

She didn't say who, then?

No. I bet it was some bloke, though. If I ever find out who it was, I'll skin

him alive and paper that wall with him.

How very paternal.

Sensitive girl, my Leslie.

I wonder if I should take her to lunch and try and find out exactly who it was.

Incidentally, Lionel, how's that friend of yours?

What friend?

You know, the one who's having trouble with his wife.

They're not speaking.

I made a mess of it, did he? No, he did not. He said all those flowery phrases

you told me.

Didn't they work?

Well, they did, as a matter of fact, because he said them beautifully.

He's got a lovely speaking voice.

He didn't take her anywhere she didn't want to go, did he? No, no, he followed

your advice, decided to take her to a little place that they hadn't been to

years, a rather romantic little place.

What went wrong?

It's not there anymore, is it? It's a laundrette.

Don't give me shame. You should have thought of that.

I'm not a medium, Lionel.

Anyway, she didn't get upset just because the restaurant wasn't there

No.

He did.

He's a perfectionist, you see. He got a bit heated trying to express himself.

She told him not to shout in the road. One thing led to another. Now they're

speaking. I'm sorry, Lionel. He doesn't need your apologies and he won't be

asking your advice again.

You don't know all that much about women at all.

No, you're right there, Lionel.

See you.

Sewage works?

Yeah. Never mind.

Here. Phone this order through to Watson.

Find out whether that girl in the sales department will still love you when you

stink.

I don't think I'll bother.

Gone over already?

Yeah, I'm fickle.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.

You love nature.

You love nature.