Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, yeah.

20 litres, all right, Sandra?

Right.

Did you watch Miss World last night?

Oh, most certainly did not.

Helly broken.

No, I don't approve of beauty contests.

You haven't been drinking that paint, have you? No.

I don't know how those girls can do it. It's like a cattle market. And I don't

see why people always say that.

If a girl's got a good body and chooses to show it off, there's nothing wrong in

it. You really believe that, do you? Yes, I do.

All right.

I'm willing to be won over.

If you hadn't kept me talking, I'd have been gone by now.

Close the door.

Sit down.

I've just been talking to the manager of the local bank.

He's a very angry man.

Well, if you must borrow money, Lionel, you really should keep up the repayment.

One undercoat and one top coat of honeysuckle mist emulsion. It's all the

called for.

Which is what I did.

It did not call for a close encounter of your particularly grubby kind with a

computer operator.

She comes from the Isle of Man.

I don't care if she comes from the moon.

The point is that some part of your or her anatomy must have come into contact

with the keyboard of the computer.

Certain data was punched in.

I didn't notice.

Of course you didn't. Of course you didn't.

I'll tell you who has noticed.

Every single customer of that bank, each and every one of them has received a

statement showing they have an overdraft of £30 ,000!

See, that's the trouble with computers, Lionel. When they go wrong, they can't

tell themselves to stop.

No wrong? Yeah.

If me and Miss Macdonald had stumbled against somebody actually typing the

statement, well, none of this would have happened.

You and Miss Macdonald shouldn't have been stumbling against anything.

You shouldn't have been anywhere near Miss Macdonald.

It was her tea break.

It's all a big joke to you, isn't it?

Well, you must admit, Lionel, I mean, hundreds of people all being told

down 30 grand.

You've got to see the funny side of it.

No, I haven't.

I was one of those people.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh.

Plus the fact that our chances of being asked to paint any part of any branch of

that bank again are remote, to say the least.

Sorry, Lionel. Sorry, Lionel.

Very sorry, Lionel. Try, I beg you not to give me the sack, Lionel. You

wouldn't, would you? I'm that close, Jacko.

I am that close. This is your last warning. If your sexual depravity

with the efficient running of my business once more, you're out on your

Yes, Lionel. Now, put thought and get some work done.

I'm not Lionel. You're a little painter. No,

Rembrandt. He's my man.

He's what I call a really ace painter.

If you all have a race with him... You know, you've both got the same roller

the same paint.

How much more wall would he cover than you?

I wish you wouldn't play the Philistine.

No, seriously.

I'd have put you down as more of a Rubens man. You know, those big women.

Look, contrary to popular belief, Eric, my total being is not centred around the

opposite sex.

See, there are certain aesthetic pursuits... There's that young nun

Aesthetic pursuits, you were saying?

She is pretty.

You're not supposed to say things like that about nuns. Why not?

Well, they're nuns, aren't they?

Apart from anything else, if I was you, I'd keep myself very much to myself in

here. You know what Lionel said.

Come on.

Let's finish our lunch in here. Look, if Lionel had his way, I'd be having my

lunch in a hermetically sealed box.

I'm doing no harm. I'm going to finish my lunch here. Well, I'll see you later.

All right.

Morning.

Morning, sister.

I'm not a sister yet.

I'm a novice.

Oh? When did you pass out then?

I've got another month to think about it before I take my final vows.

Don't look very happy about it. It's a big decision.

I suppose it must be.

Cheese and pickle sandwich?

No, thank you.

What's the matter? Aren't you allowed pickles?

I've eaten.

Come on, sit down.

So what were you in Civvie Street then?

I was the kennel maid.

Oh, don't suppose you'd be allowed a dog in here.

No, we're not.

It's all giving up things, your game, isn't it?

For other things.

Yeah, I couldn't see me doing that.

Not in everybody.

Must be a funny feeling.

What must?

Well, being so certain about something.

Must be wonderful.

Celia? Yes, Reverend Mother?

Go on.

Yes, Reverend Mother?

You think I'm cheating, Philip?

No! Sorry.

Your point.

Oh, Leslie.

Who are you?

I'm a lover of fair play.

And an admirer of your legs.

Always give a single red rose to the possessor of the best legs of the month.

And you're it, Leslie.

Where's the red rose, then?

I thought I'd give it to you this evening.

Good shot, Leslie.

My serve, 4 -5.

Philip could have got that.

No, he couldn't.

Does he always let you in?

Look, you don't know either of us.

So where are we going tonight, then?

I say, are you a member?

I'm your new president.

I hope you've paid your sub.

Come away from him, Leslie, please.

In a minute.

Your information, I didn't go out just because I'm asked.

I should hope not.

There's some terrible riff -raff about.

In any case, I'm busy tonight.

What a shame.

See, I can't make tomorrow.

So what are we going to do, then?

I say, do you mind?

This young lady is my girlfriend.

No, I'm not.

Days and grounds, do you suppose, though? Oh, don't be immature, Philip.

Yes, don't be so immature, Philip.

I've heard about enough of you.

If you don't clear off, I'm going to come out there and give you a pasting.

I think I'll warn you, pal.

I've got a black belt, right?

I thought you had a black belt.

I have. I'll keep my trousers up with it.

Anyway, what about the day after tomorrow?

Good morning, Bainbridge's.

Yes. Just a moment, Mother Superior.

I'll put you through.

Mr Bainbridge, Mother Superior for you. Thank you.

Morning, Sandra.

Good morning.

Oh, what happened to you?

I had a birthmark.

I just popped in to make sure that Nobby's bringing that scaffolding down

convent this morning.

Yes, it'll be there about ten o 'clock. Right.

Now, it's no good. It's prone on my mind.

What is?

Well, you only ever asked me out the once.

Oh, you've noticed that, have you?

Yeah. It wasn't because I said we should get to know each other better before we

went too far, was it?

No. It was the other girl turning up with us, I think.

Now, push off.

Oh, look, Sandra.

Suppose you and I got run over today.

Now, could you live with the knowledge that your last words to me have been

harsh and rejecting? Yes, I could.

What if I drowned?

Same thing.

In here, you.

Why do you always keep me talking?

Close the door.

No, Lionel, I only popped in to make sure the scaffolding's going down the

convent today.

Very apt word.

Scaffolding.

How do you mean, Lionel?

Who? You. Two weeks' notice.

What for?

Interfering with nuns.

Have you got mad?

I've just had the Mother Superior on the phone.

Well, she's a bloody liar.

You can't...

I can't talk like that about Mother Superior's. What can if she says I've

trying to pull one of her novices?

Cheese and pickle sandwiches.

We just talked. You're incapable of just talking. It's not in you. Right, I'm

going down there. You are not.

If she actually said that I laid so much as a finger... All right, she didn't

actually say that. I'm interpreting because I know you.

All right. What did she actually say then? What she actually said was that

found you talking to one of her novices.

That's not a crime.

With normal people, no.

So I'm going to get the sack for talking to somebody?

No, you'll get in the sack because you are ageing me prematurely.

Every day I sit here wondering what you're doing, with who, where, and how

often.

It all rebounds on the firm, you know. My firm.

Something I've worked for all my life.

Got a long way to find a better painter than me, Lionel. That's my problem.

A eunuch. Eunuch painter. That's what I'd like.

Oh, look, Lionel, look.

Here, don't you think this is just a bit of a storm in a teacup, eh?

No!

It's me coming to my senses.

Two weeks noted.

You work your time out here, stop taking, while I can keep an eye on you.

I could take this to an industrial tribunal, you know. Yeah, you do that.

Perhaps some of them have had their bank statements this week.

Don't worry about living upstairs, Jacko.

We won't be chasing you for the rent.

Thanks, Eric.

What will you do?

I don't know, Sandra.

A bit late to start studying laser beam surgery now.

Why can't you pop down old man Robertson's? He might have something.

I knew his daughter.

Oh.

Just to tide you over, why don't you ask Big Elmo behind the bar if he'd let you

help out here?

Well, I did mention it to him, but he just looked at his wife and laughed at

Oh.

I hope I haven't left you with a residue of mistrust down at the convent, Eric.

Oh, I wouldn't know.

As soon as I saw anything in a habit today, I was up that scaffolding like

Quasimodo in his belfry.

I've got a wife and two kids to think about.

That's what you need, Jackal.

Calm your down.

I'm sorry, Sandra, but I don't think this is the time and place for you to

propose.

Well, talking of wife and kids, I'd better get off home.

Cheer up, Jackal.

If nothing turns up, you could always join the Wrens.

Good night, Sandra.

Good night, Eric.

Nice guy, Eric.

He must be.

Letting you live in the same house as his wife.

Excuse me, sister.

Sorry.

Come on, then. Enough of this gloom and despondency.

How's your curry?

Look, I came for a drink for one reason only.

Consolation. Well, I've had the consolation.

Let's go for a curry and I'll try for the major prize, eh? I'm going home.

All right, I'll walk you to the bus stop.

Good night, Elmo.

Oh, there's the wife.

I'm getting a big dog.

What's an

extraordinary coincidence?

What is?

The very Indian restaurant I intended taking you to is only 50 yards from this

bus stop.

And you won't have far to walk when I've got my breath in.

I've just lost my job, Sandra.

We've done that bit.

Terrible service on this route.

I reckon we could pop in and have a curry and still have time to come out

catch the bus you've been waiting for.

Now, listen.

If I do come for a curry, and I'm only saying if... You have my undivided

attention, Sandra.

I want it fully understood that...

Are you listening to me?

I know her.

What's she up to?

Jackal!

No, look, I tell you what, you pop ahead and book the table.

Here we are, Celia. Look, you sit down there.

Now then, what do you want to drink?

I'm not allowed to.

How long did you say you've been walking about today?

A long time.

Then what you need is a stiff drink.

I know, a Benedictine.

No, thanks.

It's all right. It's made by months.

I'll have a bottle of lager and a Benedictine, please, Elmo.

You're not the kind you were left with.

No?

This is another car.

Yeah?

Well, what have you done with the first one, then?

Oh, I left her in the short -term car park.

The awesome thing with you is that I don't put that beyond the realms of

possibility. Oh, that's you happy, then.

163.

Oh, incidentally, Elmo, it's a big dog you're getting. What about it? Well, is

it as well as or instead of the wife?

Here, I'll see you.

Drink that up.

Now then, why did you run away?

I panicked.

Well, nuns aren't supposed to panic.

I know.

I seem to do a lot of things that nuns aren't supposed to do.

What's the trouble?

Like talk to painters?

Yeah.

Did you get a rollicking?

Pardon?

Did you get told off very strongly then?

It's not that.

It's been going on a long time. You see, the closer I get to making my final

vows, the more uncertain I become.

Well, it's natural, isn't it?

I mean, isn't it a bit like a bride panicking the closer she gets to her

wedding? It is a wedding.

I'm sorry, Celia, but I don't think I'm very well qualified as a spiritual

advisor. I think you'll end up more confused than what you are now.

Sorry. However, when it comes to practicality, especially other people's,

very good.

Now, where were you headed?

I don't know.

Well, where does your mum and dad live?

New Zealand.

That's not very helpful, is it?

Aunty?

Uncle? Friend?

Nobody.

So where were you planning on sleeping?

I don't know.

Well, let's concentrate on that, then.

What we need is for you to have something to eat and somewhere warm and

stay. I haven't got any money for a hotel.

That's all right. I know just the place. Come on.

Off again, then?

Are you sure this is the right thing to do?

Look, Celia, we've been over this time and time again.

And you've agreed, haven't you?

I know.

But I'm uncertain all over again now.

Trust me.

You could have put me on a bus.

You didn't have to bring me back personally.

I'm off the reward, aren't I?

I'm a bounty hunter.

Look.

It's not as though you've definitely decided to become a civilian, is it?

I don't know.

That's what you keep saying.

I'm not sure.

Time to think. That's what you need. I know.

That's why I ran away.

You won't get any time to think out here. You'll be too busy trying to

Yeah. You're right, I suppose.

It's not as if they're going to keep you against your will, is it?

No.

Go on, then.

Were you with that girl at the bathtub?

No.

No, she was trying to force me to have an Indian meal with her.

Well.

Well?

Thank you, Jackal.

Incidentally, if at the end of the day you do decide to walk out,

you've got my phone number, haven't you?

Can I have another inventory sheet, please, Sandra?

Careful!

You could have laid my cheek open with her.

A runaway novice.

What? Well, I've heard some lies in my time.

Come the day of judgement, Sandra, you'll be very sorry you said that to me

morning.

Good morning.

I wonder if I might have a word with Mr Begbridge.

Yes, of course.

Someone to see you.

Do go in. Thank you.

I'll be back in a twinkling, Mother Superior.

Jacko, I wonder if you could spare me a moment in the office, please.

One Benedictine, that's all I gave her.

Who? I've not come about the Benedictine.

I've come to thank you for bringing Celia back last night.

Last night?

It was the best thing to do the stage she was in.

It was the best thing to do, I assure you.

If you take my tip, you'll go very careful with that girl. You're not here

give tips to Mother Superior.

I have given the matter some thought.

Of course you have, Mother Superior.

Only what exactly is the matter we're talking about?

Sorry.

Celia, one of my novices... Played hockey?

Yes. And this young man was kind enough to take her back to the convent.

She all right?

Yes.

Good Lord.

Oh, pardon me.

I'd let her make her own mind up if I were you.

I mean, I know it might mean you having to get another nun, but unless she's 100

% behind the idea, I think she could go off bang at some future date.

I shall be asking somebody else's advice.

Who?

Oh, sorry.

In the meantime, I'm very grateful for what you did. Thank you. That's all

right. Would it be too presumptuous of me to ask if I might figure in your

prayers tonight?

I'm sure you will.

Get him to find me another job, will you? Another job?

Your phone call.

I only asked you to keep him away from my convent, Mr Bainbridge.

You haven't thanked him, have you?

Captain Mother Superior?

Of course I haven't. Who ever gave you that idea, lad?

Well, you say in your sacks, really.

Oh, the young people of today, eh, Mother Superior?

I don't know whether you find this in your line of business, but you have a

with them. They take it so seriously.

Perhaps you were too convincing.

I am cursed with a stern face.

That must be it.

Well, I'm glad that's cleared up anyway. I'm just a sloppy big kid inside.

I'm sure you are.

I'll see you tomorrow, then.

I think you and I both know that wouldn't really be a very good idea.

Do we?

Yes. Give my love to see you.

I will. Oh, boy.

Oh, allow me, Mother Superior. So nice to see you again. Thank you so much for

coming. And in regards to any future business you may care to put my way,

be assured of our best intentions at all times, Mother Superior.

No, I don't think you've got a stern face, Lionel.

Put me back on the payroll, Sandra. It's been divine intervention.

Hello.

Lovely.

Angel. Hello, Dad.

What are you doing here?

Wait for me in the office. Here's a good girl.

This is very nicely typed, Sandra.

Except for this one, you put emotion instead of emulsion.

Sorry, Mr Bainbridge.

Freudian flip, I expect.

Nobody's been doing anything to you out here, have they?

No. Let me know if he does.

Leslie. Angel.

You know, I've asked you not to come here.

I often used to come when I was a little girl.

Yeah, well, you've developed since then.

You are funny.

Not funny.

Selective. I only want the best things in life for you, and believe me, some of

the animals that work in here are not the best things in life.

I only wanted a sub.

Of course you can have a sub. That's what I'm here for. A hundred all right?

Thanks.

Oh,

will you be dining with your mother and I this evening?

No, I've got a date.

Oh, one of the pennies crowd?

Sort of. Then you have a lovely time. Thanks, Daddy.

Oh, Leslie?

Yes?

You will remember that little talk you had with your mother, won't you?

Yes, Daddy.

There's a good girl.

Bye. Bye.

I'm going out tonight, Sandra.

But we could have lunch together.

To apologise for last night?

Well, if you feel you must, yeah.

I hope you choke on it.

Thank you very much.

Who are you taking out tonight, then? The entire convent?

No, a promising little tennis player who I think might respond to coaching.

A bottle of lager and a white lady, please, Elmo. You and your flash drinks.

Yeah, I haven't seen her before.

No, you wouldn't have.

I just brought her in here to show her what a low tavern looks like.

You're a bit out of your class, aren't you?

Oh, drag yourself into the 20th century, Elmo.

Two pounds fifty.

I could waltz in here with Princess Stephanie and Monaco next week, you

I'll met her on holiday.

You did? I did.

She spoke to me.

She did?

She did.

All right, then. What did she say to you?

What did she say?

There's Jacko in that crowd of people all looking up at my palace.

There you are, Leslie.

Thanks. Oh, I've been meaning to ask.

How's Philip?

Didn't hurt his hand on my jaw, did he?

Furious. It won't do him any harm.

I see.

Anyway, what do you do? Apart from getting knocked down by tennis players.

I take them out.

What do you do?

Nothing at the moment. I've just come back from two years at the Sorbonne.

That's a university in Paris.

There's me thinking it was a fish and chip shop in Yarmouth.

Isn't that very nice?

Horrible.

I don't think cocktail's a big Elmo speciality. You were the one who

had... a cocktail.

Yeah, I know.

What would you like?

Dry white wine, please.

See, I always like to start the evening with what one's used to.

You've got me down at some sort of blue blood, haven't you?

The legs.

Thoroughbred lines.

Well, I'm not.

My dad worked jolly hard to give me a decent education, that's all.

My dad did that.

He used to turn the sound down on the television when I was doing my own work.

What's he do, then, your dad?

Runs his own business now.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Painting.

Oh, yeah?

Round here.

You know Beanbridge is?

Well, Lionel Beanbridge is my dad.

Door's too conventional for you, aren't I?

Look, if the white lady asks who I am, you don't know me from Adam.

Here.

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Yeah.

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