Original subtitles

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you, because of you.

Penalty? You couldn't make it an indirect free kick, could you?

No, I couldn't. Look, we're just unloading. We'll stick the van round the

in a minute.

I spotted you from the corner.

You've been here 12 minutes already.

No parking at any time.

At any time.

What's the matter with you?

Haven't you got beautiful eyes?

What? I said, haven't you got beautiful eyes?

I said, try.

I rate that as pathetic.

You think I'm trying to get you to tear up the ticket, don't you?

Call me jaundice if you like.

The thought had occurred.

No, I'm just giving you my honest opinion.

You have got beautiful eyes.

And you're still maintaining that, are you? With the ticket in your pocket?

Yeah. And we'll move the van.

You weren't trying to get her to tear the ticket up, were you?

You just said she had beautiful eyes because you genuinely thought she had

beautiful eyes. Not you as well, Eric.

Yeah.

I don't know, Jacko.

I've known you since we were at school and I still can't work you out when it

comes to women.

Simple. I like them.

What, all of them?

Yeah. Every one of them's got something.

Olive Kemp.

Well, her who works in the car wash. Yeah.

Now, what has she got?

Apart from a huge body, bandy legs, hair like wild wolves, five chins, and a

black moustache.

I'll tell you what she's got.

She's got a lovely laugh.

What?

Yeah, with all these temp laughs, it's as though the sun's come out. You drive

away from her car wash feeling a happier person inside.

Yeah, but you don't actually fancy her because of this laugh, though, do you?

No.

I appreciate her.

See, that is the cornerstone of my belief when it comes to women.

Appreciation. Oh, I see.

So when I hear you thumping about upstairs in your flat, that's just

appreciation, is it?

One of these things, yes.

Don't you ever think of settling down?

Sometimes, like when I see Eugene and the kids, well, I can see the merits in

it. But then I walk down the average street and I pass six average girls and

think to myself,

How could I possibly vow to cleave only unto one? You must be a natural multiple

cleaver. Yeah, I suppose I must be.

Is one of you who's called Jacko?

He is, he is.

There's a touch of the Cassius in you, Eric.

I'm just being on the phone. He wants you back at the office straight away.

Oh, did this Mr Bainbridge have a pleasant, almost laughing look to his

No, he sounded as though he was chewing raw meat.

That's it.

Right.

Carry on here, Eric. If I'm not back in an hour, you know that Lionel's had me

for after.

Sorry?

I said... Did you start today? Yeah.

I'm Sandra.

Jacko.

Well... Hope you won't find your duty here too, owner. I think I can call.

I think you'll find us one big happy family. In here, you!

Except him, of course.

See you later.

Close the door.

Hello, Lionel. Don't hello me. Sit down. What's the matter? You're sacked. Get

out.

I'm not just sacked there. What do you mean I'm sacked?

I'll read you a letter.

Dear Mr Bainbridge, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about

behaviour of one of your painters who recently decorated my flat.

He quickly became over -familiar and is soon degenerated into overt sexual

overtures.

A letter of apology is the very least I have a right to expect yours, Jean

Turner.

Turner.

Turner. You don't come, do you?

on that job because I have checked you and Norman were on it.

I remember.

And don't tell me it was Norman who molested this young lady because Norman

wouldn't do a thing like that.

No, I agree.

Then it was you.

No, it wasn't.

Who was it then? The invisible man?

I think there's something you should know, Lionel.

See, this Gene Kerner is a fella.

Jean Turner.

French -Canadian extraction, apparently.

Well, that makes Norman.

Yeah.

I liked him.

I'm not here to judge you, Lionel.

In a man's way.

Consent in adults and all that, aren't you? No, shut up, you.

You'd just be grateful you've escaped by the skin of your teeth.

On his swarky mollypons, Lionel.

I know what... that means, you know. Of course you do. And another thing.

That girl was very hot to come by.

What girl? The new girl. The one I want you to stay away from. That girl has got

qualifications.

What for?

Secretarial. And I don't want her complaining to me about sexual

What you done?

From you.

Oh, well, I've only just met her.

That is long enough.

You ought to take something for it, you know. You're fainted, though, aren't I?

Just as well, because morally speaking, I hold you in very low regard.

Thank you very much, Lord.

Low. Get back to work.

Just a minute.

Just a minute!

Security.

Who's?

Child.

The governor at the premises we're working at wants us to lock up after him

we go into overtime.

OK. But what I want... Is that key back here in my hand tonight?

Well, I'll look after the key, Lionel. You might intend to. But if that key

up in your trousers pocket, the mind boggles as to where it might fall out

tonight.

You will probably be throwing thick trousers over the backs of innumerable

chairs between now and tomorrow, won't you?

One tries, Lionel.

Herbert.

And don't forget that key.

Go straight out!

Cheese and tomato?

No, thanks.

Here. You believe in reincarnation, don't you? Yeah.

Why? Well, suppose you were to come back as a girl.

What do you reckon you'd be like?

That's a very interesting question, that.

What about you?

Well, assuming I had some control over what I'd be like, I think I'd come back

as a very stunning creature.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Long legs.

Quite tall.

Lovely hair.

Probably auburn.

Nice.

Voluptuous, I suppose.

What would you wear?

I think I'd wear lots of figure -hugging clothes.

I think I quite fancy you.

So do I.

What about you, then?

Crisp. No, thanks.

No, I'm referring to my dressing.

See, I'd be very crisp.

Nice white blouse.

Halid skirt.

Oh, and I'd be very fussy about my underwear.

I hadn't even thought about my own life.

Well, you'd better start.

Yeah.

Would you, as this girl, go out with yourself?

No. I wouldn't give myself the time of day.

Here.

Ask me, Eric.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Excuse me, I'm just going to have a word with myself.

Excuse me, I was just saying to my friend over there.

If I came back as a girl, I'd like to look like you.

What?

Reincarnation. What are you talking about?

Well, the possibility of me being reincarnated as a girl.

I'm not really interested.

My friend seems to think you'd come back as a very voluptuous lady indeed.

Voluptuous? Yeah.

Anyway, forget about her.

What do you think about me coming back as somebody like you?

Well, I don't know.

What am I supposed to think?

You can't just throw questions like that at people.

No, you're quite right.

I'll tell you what, why don't we meet tonight and discuss this at our level?

Excuse me, I've got to get to the bank.

See, on the other hand, I might not want to be like you at all.

You said you did.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I mean, visually, you fit the bill. You're

but understated. Oh, that's what I am, is it? Yeah.

But what are you like as a person?

Gullible, because I'm listening to you.

No, you're not gullible.

Just interested in ideas.

What time shall we meet, then?

At least you're not dull.

Half seven.

OK, yeah.

Where do you live? I'll pick you up.

Uh -uh.

I'll meet you somewhere.

Full marks.

Do you know, that's exactly what I would have said.

Do you know the White Hart off the Broadway?

Yeah. See you in there, then.

Jacko.

Catherine. Nice.

Understated, you said.

Yeah.

Hear that, Eric?

I've turned out to be a Catherine.

Good evening.

Mr Bainbridge in?

Who are you?

Oh, sorry, I'm Jacko. I work for him.

Jacko? Oh, yes, I've heard the name. Come in.

He was very insistent on having these keys back tonight.

So I went round the office and he's gone.

So, well, I thought I'd pop him round home.

That's very kind.

Would you, um, care for a drink?

Oh, I wouldn't say no.

A drop of wine would be nice.

Right.

Oh, that's Hogarth, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Yeah, I like him.

So do I.

Cheers. Cheers.

I'll make sure Lionel gets the key. He's out at the moment.

Oh, right.

Hey, 21 today, are you? Mm -hm.

I wish I was.

No, it was my daughter's birthday yesterday. She's all grown up.

Well, she would be, wouldn't she?

Yeah, she would be.

Oh, sit down, please.

Oh, thanks.

Do you know, I used to kid myself I could pass with her sister.

The way I feel today, I might just scrape through with her grandmother.

How old are you then?

36.

I'm 13.

It's a nice age.

Yeah, for antique furniture.

Do you use a walking frame?

Not yet, no.

Well, come off it then.

Think of what you've got now that you didn't have when you were 21.

Like what?

Those little wrinkles at the corner of your eye.

I prefer to call them laughter lines.

Not doing much laughing, are they?

Now they're laughter lines.

Are you chatting me up?

No.

No, I'm just giving you an honest opinion.

See, look.

You take old Will's seven ages a man.

Now, he could never have done it in seven for a woman.

Because women have dozens of ages.

And each one of them is special in its own little way.

That's my daughter.

Oh, she's very pretty.

Yeah, she is, isn't she?

Was your mother pretty?

Yes, she was.

Hasn't skipped a generation then, has it?

Thanks for the drink. Not at all.

I'll show myself out.

How long have you been doing missionary work?

Ever since I got my tambourine.

No.

Well, you might have told me. I've just been round your house.

Why? Sorry, I thought you was lying on me.

No, he's got a deeper voice than me.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're working late, aren't you?

Curry and favour on me first day.

Very wise.

I've got to get some white spirit. I won't be a minute.

Would you like to come out tonight?

Eh?

Out.

With me?

Do you know, I've heard about... the ladies asking the fellas out these days,

but I just thought it was newspaper talk.

You don't approve?

Oh, no.

No, no, no. I like it. I find it very refreshing.

It's just that, you know, you caught me on the hot the way you came out with it.

Well, to tell you the truth, it's the first time I've done it.

I haven't had time to develop any chat -up line.

Don't bother, Sandra.

It's very nice as it is.

Right, where are you taking me?

Well, I thought we'd have a drink first and see where we go from there.

Right, lovely.

Oh, one thing, though.

What's that?

Well, you won't force the pace, will you? Only I'm painfully shy.

Well, you're taking me out. Aren't you going to ask me what I want to drink?

So I am.

What would you like?

Well, I don't want to be too expensive.

A bottle of lager, please.

Lager.

Oh. What's the matter?

Do you think they take American Express here?

I can't really see Big Elmo behind the bar saying, that'll do nicely, thank

But you're not stupid.

Oh, don't be silly. You're new to it.

Look, take a tip from me. Next time you take a bloke out, check you got the

money first.

Now, the course of events must be clock, decide, tap your back pocket, then ask.

See, do it with me.

Clock, decide, tap your back pocket, then ask.

If a bloke saw me looking at him and then tapping my behind, he might think I

meant something else.

Ah, I see what you mean.

All right, I'll get it. What do you want? Campari and soda, please. Right.

listen, I buy dinner, all right? They take cards in restaurants.

Don't rush me, Sandra.

You'll begin to frighten me.

A bottle of lager and a campari and soda, please, Elmo. Right.

Did you play last Saturday?

Oh, yeah, we came to.

Thrill.

Oh, you set some good signs in here after the game, didn't we, eh? We

did, Elmo.

Marriage had taken its toll, though. They all go straight home now.

Not you, though, eh, Jacko? No, not me.

I'm having too much fun.

about giving you up.

Pressure of work.

Aren't you going to sit down?

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to sit down.

I don't like either of those two drinks.

No, they're for me.

Always have a Campari with a lager chaser.

True.

May I have a drink?

Oh, sorry, Catherine.

Gin and tonic, please. Right.

Gin and tonic, please, Elmo.

What have you been to Campari for?

My mistake. I thought she liked it.

You're falling down on your basics, Jacko. Very probably, sir.

Here you are, Catherine.

Cheers. Yeah, cheers.

Occasionally.

I've been thinking about your rather bizarre reincarnation theory.

Oh, good, good.

Now, the thing is, suppose it would have happened to me, and I was reincarnated

as a man.

Well, would I like myself, or would I find that the type of man I chose to be

was not attractive to me as a woman?

What do you think?

Would you like some crisps?

No, thank you.

Oh, would you mind?

There we are, Sandra.

What happened to the drink?

Oh, fool.

It's that Elmo.

He doesn't chat so much. Excuse me.

Can I have a soda, please, Elmo?

She don't like it.

Yes, I know. Somebody else does.

You're not... Seems I am, yeah.

You'll never make it, but I shall enjoy watching you try.

Thank you so much.

Here we are, Sandra.

Aren't you having anything?

You taking me out, you got me all over Twitter.

Excuse me.

Cut the larder, please, Elmo.

What are you here for?

Just give me a bucket of larder.

Thirsty.

Are you a drinker?

No.

Always buy a bottle of lager for the cat here.

Loves it.

Here, puss, puss, puss, puss.

Come on, puss.

How's it here tonight, Catherine?

So what do you think, then?

Think? About what?

About my theory.

Oh.

What theory's that?

considerably since lunchtime.

I'll be all right when I've had a drink.

You are a drinker? No. Then what is the matter with you?

Look, Catherine, I'll tell you the truth.

We use the new type of paint today and it affects one's metabolism.

I don't believe you. It's true.

How? Well, it keeps making me want to go to the toilet.

Excuse me.

With what?

Your lager.

Oh! Look, if you're not a drinker, I don't mind.

We could just go straight to dinner.

Yeah. No.

Look... You're not really nervous because I asked you out, are you?

No, Sandra.

Look, I'll tell you the truth.

I inhaled some paint fumes today.

Well, you were all right in the office this evening.

Yeah, well, it must be a delayed effect.

Must be.

And why does that barman keep smirking every time he looks over here?

He's got an unfortunate face.

I know.

But why did he keep smirking?

It was to form a facial palsy.

Anyway, are you having a good time?

No, not really.

Well, that's because we're not relaxing in each other's company.

How can I relax with you up and down like a yo -yo all the time?

I'm sorry, Sandra.

Would you like another drink?

Yes, I think I would.

Oh, good.

Can I buy you a soda, please, Elmo?

Right. Oh.

Kindly stop smirking.

Do you know, I'm going to have a peony skin here. But you're much more

entertaining.

Here we are, Catherine.

Not another drink.

That's not for me.

That's strange.

There's only one thing that's strange in this pub this evening, and that's you.

Now, what's going on?

All right. I'll tell you the truth.

It's me glands.

See, I've got these funny glands.

My doctor sent me to an Arley Street specialist and he said never in his

life had he seen glands.

Fine.

Come with me.

Stop smirking.

Sandra.

This is Catherine.

Catherine. Sandra.

Hello.

Hello. Sit down, Catherine.

Shut up, Sandra.

Please.

You're going to find this hard to believe.

And you're going to laugh when I tell you.

Well, perhaps not laugh out loud.

But you're definitely going to smile.

All right, I've come clean.

I honestly and truthfully want you to take you both out.

You have?

Yeah, but not at the same time. I didn't mean to do that, honest.

Look, I've got a good idea, a great idea. Why don't the three of us all go

and have a really nice dinner?

Ice skating?

Temping bowling?

I know.

She's going to kill you.

The planetarium, eh?

My place?

Your place?

I should have a drink if I were you, Jack, eh?

Morning.

Good morning.

this morning.

Very well, thank you.

Hello.

Here.

Wasn't last night a strange set of circumstances?

Only when you were there.

Hear you.

Morning, Lionel. Close the door.

What were you doing round my house last night?

Conscientiousness. I don't want you anywhere near my house.

Nor my road, nor Motsburg Park in general.

If I had my way, Motsburg Park would be an exclusion zone to you, like they have

in the Falklands.

Why? Because you're a dirty little tow rag.

Just a minute, Lionel.

Now, you wanted that rotten key back, so I took the time and trouble to take it

round to your house. You didn't have to go in and have a drink.

Well, I didn't take the door off, it seems. Your wife invited me in. Thank

my daughter was out.

You're a pretty girl.

How do you know? I saw a photograph.

You know what you do with women?

You sidle up, squeeze in.

That's what you do.

My wife was miserable when I went out. When I came home, she was grinning all

over her face.

What did you say to her?

I just tried to cheer her up. You have no right to cheer my wife up.

All right, next time I see her, I'll depress her, how's that?

There won't be a next time.

I've got a good mind to send her to her sisters in Buckner.

Nice place, Bogner.

My God, you're like an elephant in must.

Look, Lionel, as far as last night was concerned, I merely spent an innocent

five minutes in the company of a very nice and pleasant woman.

Don't you dare call my wife nice and pleasant!

There's no pleasing you at all, is there? Not where you're all known to

that. I'll tell you this.

You've come very close to getting the sack this morning.

Why didn't I?

Because of something my wife said last night, which I don't intend to discuss

with you. She didn't threaten to go and stay with her sister in Fountain, did

she?

And another thing.

Your next job... No chance of it being body painting, I suppose.

You can wipe that smile off your face.

You may not smile again for weeks.

I'll clip your wings, I'll put salt on your tail.

I'm putting you on a job that will protect the women of Britain.

Is there such a place? Yes.

Yeah? Yes, there is.

You're very cheerful today.

If I suppose I am, Eric.

Well, I don't understand it.

I thought working here would be the equivalent of a living death for you.

I did go a white shade of pale when Lionel first told me.

But then I had second thoughts.

Arrest from the ladies.

Well, at least during working hours. Won't do me any harm at all.

And let's face it.

This is the place to have arrest from the ladies.

Would you like an ambulance?

I'm serious.

For a start, it's expensive.

I have to do lots of overtime to get the money.

I get tired because I'm doing the overtime.

Take last night, for instance.

Double booking Sandra and Catherine.

I can only put that down to sheer combat fatigue.

Even if I'm not after them.

Even if I'm just being sociable, they'd get me in trouble.

Lionel nearly gave me the boot this morning.

And me parents still won't speak to me over that incident with me sister -in

-law.

Your brother's not too pleased either.

Don't blame him there, Eric.

I mean, let's face it.

I'm definitely hooked on female company.

True.

So you're considering working here as a sort of rest cure, are you?

Yeah.

That's it.

I can come to work over the next few weeks knowing truthfully and with some

relief that I'm out of harm's way.

Good morning, sister.

Good morning, sister.

Morning, sister.

What's a little cracker?

Because of you, these things I do.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Oh, and you love nature.

You love nature.

you