Original subtitles

Thank you.

I hate these kind of jobs.

Not bad.

You've only been on this one 15 minutes.

Yeah, but it's all peep show stuff, isn't it?

Well, don't put any money in the slot, Ken. Two days and I haven't seen a

If I was the husband employing us on this nookie job, I'd say that was our

Possible marital infidelity case, please, Ken. We're talking theoretical

here for the moment.

Do you think he's clocked you yet, Haynes?

I don't know.

Well, there's two of us today.

Different car.

What is it about Miltman?

The reputation?

I mean, they hardly look a picture, do they?

I think they make it all up to give a bit of glamour to the job.

I bet you he'll go back to the depot and say to his mates, Ah, you'll never

guess what happened to me today. I was delivering at number six and suddenly

door opened and there stood this beautiful board housewife in a baby doll

nightie.

Hen?

That looks like happy families to me.

That's what we're here to find out.

difficult to think about it at this time of the morning.

Apart from those of us who can think about nothing else.

But I want to talk about tone of voice.

It's the most important thing to learn if you want to work here.

You naughty boy.

You haven't eaten all your vegetables.

You hear why that was right?

It was scolding, but not harsh.

There's a bit of flirting there, but not too much. We don't want the punters

going, hello, darling, what's your number?

Two things to remember at school meals. One, the punters are ready to enjoy

themselves, and two, you girls are in control.

That's what it's all about.

Any punter tries it on, he's out.

Christina, could you, uh... Remember.

You can only scold when school rules are broken. Harry? Not much of a problem,

as anything they do breaks the rules.

He says formality is emphasised as an integral part of our gourmet weekends.

Yeah, they've even got a glowing report from Gerald Neill's restaurant column in

the WhatsApp.

Oh, yeah, sorry, Roger. Sorry, I forgot.

Yeah, lunchtime, then.

Yeah, here.

Here we go.

Run!

We weren't moving it.

We were trying to get out.

This

looks

more promising.

Here we go.

Clear close contact shots, Ken. Can't leave Mrs. Haynes any room for doubt.

No.

Oh, I got really close there.

That's okay for starters, but a cheek kiss doesn't mean a thing.

He wants his head looking at the wife like he's got.

No, Michael, no, I'm sorry. I'm not even going to talk about it. It's a Monday

morning problem and not a Friday afternoon crisis.

Yes, I'll talk to you on Monday morning. Cheers.

Wild Indians won't stop the Texas Rangers.

I was thinking about that as a new company slogan, you know, a new

campaign. Yeah, getting out on the road is your best advertising campaign. Yeah,

but you haven't given me the package yet, have you? You see, Harry,

forgetfulness is a symptom of holiday fever.

I was reading about it, you see, certain vital brain cells seem to short

-circuit. It happens to all us entrepreneurial businessmen. You see, we

that something's going to happen while we're away. Yes, pick up me dinner

jacket, I'll be at school meals.

Yes, I know, I haven't got a lot of fever, Harry. The question is, will you

remember to tell Ken that I've got the dark ring ready for him?

Eh?

Yes. I'll pick them up round the other side.

I'll give him full marks for romance.

You watch too many adverts, Ken.

There's more to romance than a few bubbles, a whiff of aftershave and a

flowers, you know.

I know that, but it seems to be working on her all right.

She's all over it.

You should try being a woman, Ken.

Then you'd realise that it's men who have the indiscriminate and insatiable

appetite.

eating up his nice school meal.

You know what happens to naughty boys, don't you?

Look, Ashley, I'm not really... No excuses. You know the school rules.

Nothing must be left on the street.

So, either you eat it up right this minute, or else I'm going to have

you punished.

Look, Ashley, I'm a guest of the proprietor. Come along.

And now, look,

You know, if we were doing this properly we ought to get more into the

ambience of the place.

You know, I mean, be more like, um, well, a couple.

A little less of the romance, Ken.

A bit more of the rowing, hmm?

Hi, Tiff Billy.

You only called in sick at twelve. I don't believe you've got any chefs,

The punters don't come here to eat the food.

They come to throw it on our mouth.

That's not all they come here for, is it?

You know, I charged the same for a three -course meal here as I did at a

command. You had two stars?

Yeah, I got ten stars.

Brave write -ups from everyone.

Except that bastard Gerald Neal.

I packed a place up.

But still I hardly broke even.

I had to create new dishes every week to keep me nose in front.

I've got off all hours to nab the best ingredients. Murder!

Here it's all frozen.

Tinned.

Minimal presentation.

The menu never changes and they love it.

I've got parties booked in here for months in advance.

Now, Gerald Niels of this world can't touch me now.

Still hurts, does it, Rog?

I really don't think this is such a good idea, you know.

We're going to be here all day.

Ken, can you swing it round a bit? I'm losing them. They're going out of shot.

She's looking at us.

There's only one thing for it.

Oh, no, Ken.

Ken! It worked.

We're one of them.

It's a 1969 tailored dinner jacket, Rocky.

It's not a bloody hang glider. And I thought you might have got here a bit

quicker. Yeah, I was going to, you know, but I thought it... No, no, did you

tell Jen about that? I told her we weren't ready for him. I told Jerry,

fever!

I told you to be careful!

So, another day.

Looked like it. No clear face shot, no conclusive evidence.

Haven't done our job yet.

Tomorrow we bring food.

And cushions, please.

Ken?

What's your name?

Harry Crawford.

Pleased to meet you.

Look, I know it's not exactly within the rules, but are you the butler or the

colonel? No, I'm a restaurateur.

Restaurateur. Yes.

Interesting.

Thank you.

Harry! Roger. Come here.

What's going on?

Why haven't these people got formal clothes on?

Who done it?

Who done it? Yeah.

Murder and all that.

How could the Christie's set one of her books in his house or something?

Oh.

Fanatics. They all go around acting as marble.

There's loads of them.

Anyway, they said the gourmet group meets in here.

I don't bloody believe it.

It's that bastard critic, Gerald Neal.

Hey,

you've done a really good job on these contacts.

Thanks. I kept a few negatives back, though.

What? A couple of negatives, Tripp, of Margaret.

I didn't think there'd be anything to do with the job.

I could blow them up.

What do you want to do that for?

Well, they're nice shots.

Maybe a little something for your wall.

Thank you.

Happened 1420 this afternoon.

Security van.

Ran from the side. Three -man operation.

Very efficient.

How much?

40 grand. There could have been more than that.

What makes things running?

CS gas.

Passers -by?

Few.

Nothing worth the paper it's written. So what have we got to go on?

Him. He says he got one of their masts off before they clobbered him.

That's how they can make an ID.

Well, I suppose I just have to ask you straight.

Was I right?

Well, this is our report.

It's a typed -up list of places he visited, people he saw, together with

extensive photographic coverage.

I see.

Can I look at it here?

Yes, of course.

Yeah, it was him

Is anybody there?

Are you alright?

Hello?

Oh my God.

I think we're too late.

Now then, last night you said you were not the butler or the colonel. No,

right, I'm a restaurateur.

Staying here alone?

No, I'm staying with a friend of mine, Mr Evans.

I see.

Evans.

Did you find the body?

Yes, I did. Come with me.

Right,

young man.

Now, before those amateurs out there get to you, I want to know what you're

doing here and who you really are.

Well, of course.

Definitely. Charles Henry Marquess.

Fast Eddie Allen.

Chuck them.

You got an appointment?

Police.

Archie. Margaret.

What's all this about?

It's concerning an arrest we made in the early hours this morning, Miss Daly.

Arrest? There was a serious crime yesterday afternoon.

A robbery. I heard it on the news.

We have a positive identification.

We have a clear modus operandi linking the job with our man.

We had the villain under lock and key.

He says he has an alibi.

And, lo, the wife produces documentary evidence backing up that alibi.

The magistrate, bless his heart, accepts this evidence and gives our man bail

pending.

The name Haynes mean anything to you?

Ronnie Haynes.

I might have guessed.

Mrs Haynes claims she hired you to follow her husband for the past three

because she suspected he was having an affair.

Is this true?

Yes. And you can account for his whereabouts of 1420 yesterday. We were

following him all day.

I don't believe you.

I can still hear that gurgling sound echoing down the corridor.

Do you know, I had to make 23 statements before they found out I wasn't a member

of the Whodunit Week.

Well, if someone has to be poisoned at the dinner table, Ivo, it's him.

Hi, Roger.

Roger, I trust you slept well?

The rooms here are exceptional, I find. I slept.

I'm sorry we didn't have time to talk last night.

I had a review to file.

Joe Neal.

Harry Crawford. Hello.

Another one of those write -ups to put people out of business, was it? No,

Roger.

Great cuisine is my demanding mistress, as you know, Roger.

Her standards are high.

But as I understand it, you're a great success.

Though, of course, it's not the sort of restaurant that I could contemplate

reviewing. Perhaps I did you a favour.

Listen. No, Roger.

Your friend's right.

Surely bygones can be bygones.

As Wellington once said...

I cannot wage war while I die.

Right.

Let's go over it all again. I've told you what happened.

I want to hear it again.

Because sooner or later, Ken, you're going to leave out a little detail.

Put in a little something extra.

Then I'll have something on you.

and you'll find yourself in a dock with your friend, Haynes.

He's no friend of mine.

Listen, Ken.

We know Haynes did it. The job's got his swagger all over it.

We've got an ID from the security guard.

The only thing in our way is this alibi.

Maybe you made a mistake.

Maybe you were never even following Haynes.

Anyone can make a mistake.

I've told you.

I saw him coming out of his house with his wife.

He matched the picture she gave me. Now, you agree that's him, don't you?

Yeah. Well, I followed him all day.

He didn't leave that girl's house till well after six o 'clock. It can't have

been there. It can't have been Haynes.

We've got photographs of him on the lake.

It was Haynes.

Your friend has given us a different story.

No, he isn't.

Your friend is cracking, Margaret.

You don't watch it, it could leave you high and dry.

Do you think that's funny?

No. I just know it isn't true.

You know what she's thinking, Archie?

She's thinking, I know how these people operate.

I mean, she was one of us once, right? She stood here. She knows what it's all

about.

She thinks she can flutter her pretty little lashes and put one over on us.

But even the good -looking ones can be rotten on the inside.

Do you know how badly I want Heinz?

The photos, Miss Daly.

You're trying to call us, aren't you?

No. Come on.

We had a look at your bank account. You could do with a bit extra.

No, you didn't.

What?

You didn't look at my bank account.

You can't unless you commence proceedings, and if you could, you

talking to me now. Try again.

You go out one sunny day with Haynes, take some nice photographs, then you

you took them on the day he does his job.

Simple.

I'm not changing my statement.

All right, all right.

I can only tell you what I saw.

From 8 .30 to 6 .30, I was following him because his wife thought he was having

an affair with another woman.

He can't have been at that robbery.

As a private investigator, I am no less dedicated than I was as a police

officer. I am no less concerned with integrity, honesty, and the observance

the law of this land.

My statement presents the facts as I see them, and I believe them to be true.

It's very good, isn't it?

Good.

Good.

What kind of a way is that to describe food?

One just meant to say it tastes very good.

Mr. Crawford, these are the fruits that the Sikh has

borne up to us.

We are feasting on the very fabric of la mer.

The...

of marine existence itself.

Yeah, like Harry said, it's dead tasty.

We are here to celebrate food, Roger, not to reduce it to banality.

That's your problem. You celebrate, you don't enjoy.

We all know what kind of food you enjoy, Roger.

Listen, you... Roger, Roger.

Your problem, Roger, is you've fallen from grace.

Oh, yeah?

And I wonder why that is.

I can only do what my mistress demands.

Who done it?

What's the name of his restaurant?

Skull Males.

Oh, yes.

It's sort of spelt in that amusing way.

A restaurateur with two stars cannot run an establishment called School Meals.

It makes a mockery of what we tend for.

Go away.

Without School Meals, I could never have kept the Camargue open.

Art or Mammon, Roger?

Yeah, well, you decided it, right?

I mean, you write your little article.

They take away my thought.

Those who live by the tin, Roger.

One elephant, two elephants, three elephants.

No one's talking.

Not a word.

There's a distinct lack of whisperers on the street, Ken.

Perhaps they've all gone to a convention, darling, right?

Yes. All except for one.

All right, Jack.

I'd like a word.

I can't.

I've paid for your tea now. You owe me.

The wife will kill me if I'm late.

Oh, you've got time to drink your tea. That's what you came in for.

Ken, this is Jack. He'd like to have a little while with us. Isn't that nice?

Take a seat, Jack.

I haven't got a lot of time.

I'm expected.

Careful, mate.

Don't want you burning your tongue now, do we?

What do you want to know?

Ronnie Haines. Loud.

What's the whisper?

Whisper is... Whisper is that you're not healthy people to be seen talking to.

Why not?

Why not?

It's all been on one side of you and Ronnie on the other.

Joyman's always had it in for Ronnie.

Ronnie's always had a fast lane on him.

And Joyman don't like that.

He's a hard man.

And Haines?

You don't know about Ronnie.

I was bite, remember, not serious crime.

He is.

It's a bad lot.

That's who he is.

Next time I'll buy me own tea.

I don't believe it.

Well, well, Archie.

We come in for a cup of tea after the rigours of the day, and what do we find?

Daily and boon, mixing with the less savoury elements of our society.

What do you make of it, Archie?

Do you still believe in Margaret's moving speech about honesty and

I'm sorry, Archie. I keep putting you in this difficult position with the fair

Margaret, don't I?

Margaret, come on, we're going.

All these protective males around you, Margaret, to keep you safe.

And there I was, thinking you were an independent, modern woman.

We've nothing else to say, Joyman.

You will.

You will.

Oh. Cheers.

I don't know, Harry.

Maybe the old bath was right.

Perhaps I have sold out.

No, you've got to be able to afford principles, Roger.

I'm a good chef, Harry. I...

I've

got a gift which I'm not using.

Yes, well, maybe when you open the new place, you get it going like school

meals.

You'll be able to get back to the real cuisine.

Yeah, I'd like that, Harry, but... I don't know, with Neil breathing down me

neck.

I try and open another kamag and he'd just start resharpening his hatchet.

Who done it's not in here? Get out!

Oh, sorry.

Sorry. Out!

Mrs Haynes. I'm sorry to disturb you.

Hello. Come in.

Sit down.

It's just, well, after last night, being so upset, you let me leave without

paying, so I've come to pay.

Well, I'll get the bill.

Very nice.

Yeah.

The 80 years included.

I, uh, also wanted to thank you.

You know, my husband was arrested.

Yes. He used to be in bad company, you see.

That's all behind him now. He's got a good business.

But the police never let you forget.

I just wanted to thank you for sticking by what you saw.

The arrest put everything, well, you know, into perspective.

And we've decided to start all over again.

I'm glad.

Those were taken at the lake, weren't they?

Yeah.

I thought... I thought I was given all the negatives.

Yeah, well, some are held back because they weren't relevant to the case.

I see.

Thank you for your help.

Bye. Bye. Bye -bye.

Forget about it now?

End of story?

I don't know, Ronnie.

Maybe not.

Hello?

Oh,

no.

All right, I'll be right over.

Bloody hell.

what you mean it's worse than it is except for the filing fake anything

nothing obvious there's only one way to find out really yeah

Do you know what I really hate about him? What, there's more?

This art stuff.

I mean, what does he want, eh?

Food served in a gilt frame instead of on a plate. Roger, Roger.

He'll be bidding in bloody auctions next. One steak tartare, going, going.

Are you enjoying the extensive selection of digestif? I see, Roger.

Excuse me.

You can get your opinion on the can of Ségur.

The Medoc has always been a secret delight of mine.

Yes.

Especially the Santa Steph groats. So much more flavor than the Poyack, don't

you agree?

Oh, yes, yes.

Not any easier case to make between you and me. I had to keep quiet.

The Poyack having the three big guns after all.

La fitte, la tour, la mouton.

But I can't stand here talking to you all night.

Paperwork to be done.

Never turn lights off.

Get back to me.

It's got to be good.

We've got recording equipment.

Walkie -talkies.

Copy machine.

Answer phone.

The only thing missing is the envelope.

We meet again.

Evening, Joyman.

Very optimistic, Boone. It's nearly one o 'clock in the morning.

Yeah. Don't suppose it's worth asking where you were?

What, are you going to arrest me for breaking into my own office?

Wouldn't be the first time.

Anything missing?

Just some photos.

Not even a little something hypothetical for the insurance?

I am surprised.

What photos?

Just some pictures of Margaret.

How touching.

Except... Well, I took them while we were following Haynes.

I've told you, I'm a gourmet.

I'm nothing to do with the whodunnits.

I know, Mr Crawford. Neither am I. I'm a journalist.

I don't understand.

I have some information which may be of interest to your friend Mr Evans.

He did own the Camargue. Yes, he did.

Yes.

Then I think he'd like to hear what I have to say.

Rocky?

Yeah, I'm sorry, mate.

Look, meet me over at the ranger's office, will you?

We've got to look at those negatives.

No, I mean now.

Relax, Ronnie. They're no use to anyone anymore.

What's the point in burning them?

That's why I broadcast them on the bloody evening news.

Calm down.

Oh, no, I've got no problems.

Nothing to worry about.

We didn't find the negatives, did we?

Ronnie.

Oh, no, it's just I can feel that bugger joining, breathing down my neck.

Shh.

Now, wait a minute.

Now, let's get this straight. Roger, roger.

Now, you're saying that Neil owns this place?

His wife does, but she has it in her maiden name.

Well, so what?

I mean, there's nothing illegal in that, is there? No, the reviews, Roger, don't

you see?

Believe it or not, Mr Evans, but journalists do have some ethics.

And giving glowing reviews to restaurants in which one has an interest

not done.

So... so the whodunit weekends... Mr Neil's equivalent of school meals.

His restaurant doesn't make money.

Neil, you whole bastard.

And that's not all.

Is that as big as you can get it?

It's gone to half my dick in quality, yeah?

All right.

Two elephant, three elephant.

He's not all bad, Joyman. Oh, yeah?

If you tell me he ate babies for breakfast, I'll believe you.

He's been after Haynes for eight years.

Almost had him once. Got off on a technicality.

Joyman doesn't like being beaten.

You could have fooled me.

Oi! No smoking in here, mate.

Chemicals.

You do this professionally?

No, hobby mostly.

I only work for Ken and Margaret.

Doing a good job?

We're ready.

Have a look.

It's definitely him.

Yeah.

He certainly had you.

We weren't looking for doubles and armed robbery, Mr. Joyman. We were just

looking for a bit of slap and tickle, that's all.

Yeah.

The other guy's dead, then. You've got him.

No.

Not necessarily.

No? Well, can't they just change the statements?

Your friend's done a good job.

I'm convinced, you're convinced.

We all know that that's Ronnie Haynes and that's a double.

A trite in court?

It's not a dead cert, Arch. Oh, God.

This lady knows what I mean, Archie. So should you.

No offence, Ken, but investigators are not the court's favourite people.

Professional witnesses.

An ex -police?

Even worse.

Any brief worth his wig is going to go all out for a discredit. A discredit?

Think about it.

These two get paid by some clients to do a job, and they tell one story.

Police get a little heavy with them.

They tell another story.

That's actually sounding cool.

Then all we've got are two unreliable witnesses.

And this sort of photographic evidence without backup... Touch and go.

I want Haynes.

I don't want to risk losing in court again.

I want to try a little number on Ronnie Hines.

It's Daly, the prived investigator.

She says she wants to do a deal.

The whodunit is not in here.

Roger.

Harry. You've been rumbled, old son.

I'm sorry.

Catch.

I didn't know the fruit of Lum Air came in tins, Joe.

Now, just a minute. I'm a journalist, Miss Neal.

And I have a story being printed tomorrow which states that you have

position as a critic by promoting your own business interests.

No, T. Gerald.

Oh, and the whodunit angle gets a few column inches as well. Right, Rose?

Correct.

Listen, Roger... Art or Mammon, Gerald?

Harry? He who lives by the tin.

All right?

Let's go.

You Daly?

Yes. I'm Ronnie Haynes.

I know.

Sit down.

Let's just get on with it. All right?

Suit yourself.

Have you brought the money?

What money?

The money we talked about on the phone.

The money you talked about on the phone? I never talked about any bloody money.

Ronnie.

£5 ,000.

That's a lot of money, Miss Daly.

Seems like a nice round figure to me.

I'll bet it does.

When your office gets turned over and something goes missing, you start to

that that little something must be very important to whoever was looking for it.

What's that got to do with us?

Mr Haynes, we all know why we're here.

Let's stop playing games and talk straight, shall we?

I want money, you want negatives, right?

He's not playing.

There's no money to pay, just give us the negatives.

I suppose I should be flattered, Mr Haynes.

I didn't realise negative to me would be so important to you.

Listen! Ronnie, sit down.

She's got to get him talking. She will.

I'm sitting here. Money or no negative? We've had nothing. Give her time.

Worse than the thought. Backhand here, backhand here. Alibi or the job?

Ask for a bit of money and then call me. Quiet, Ronnie.

Great weekend, Harry.

Yes, well, you open the commode and I won't have to go away for decent food,

will I?

Six months!

You can put the first table!

Yeah, six months.

It was for joking.

All right, Miss Daly.

You win.

Mind if I count it?

I thought we weren't buying. It's worth it, Ronnie.

That's five bloody grand. It's five grand that says we'll stay together.

It's all there.

I'm sure it is.

Where's our negatives?

You shut it. I want those negatives. Now.

There's no need for a gun, Mr. Haynes.

Move. You're blowing it, Ronnie.

Take that. I said no guns. I said no money.

I've been listening to you for too long.

Foxy negatives for five grand.

I want him in and out of Ireland on someone. Then I'll sell it off to Spain.

You have to get all bloody clever, don't you?

Mr. Haynes. I just want us to be together.

Well, it's all over, darling.

Collecting my share of the job. Have you got a... State where you are.

Anything happen over the weekend, Kev?

Not a lot.

He's my friend. He's my buddy.

Till the end. Through thick and thin.

Though the road may be muddy.

Side by side.