Original subtitles

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But it wouldn't affect their bath time.

That's the news. The weather this morning, wet and cool, but clearing

Time now 6 .15 a .m. I'll be back at 7 .00.

While outside it may be cold, wet, and miserable, inside your radio,

the sun is always shining.

Now, dear listener, let me take you by the hand.

Lead you back through the swirling mists of time with this golden oldie, Rave.

Subjects left house with others at 6 .17am

and departed in male subject's car.

And about bloody time too.

The worst affected area is the Hagley Road at the moment, with traffic tailing

back all the way to the M5.

This is affecting northbound traffic and causing a long delay.

Ah!

Here we go, lighting system.

You're late.

Traffic's terrible.

Yeah, well, we got through, no bother. Yeah, well, I'm a bit old -fashioned,

mate. I like to go round the traffic.

Good in there.

Fine. And this is the power, is it? Yeah.

Look, need to have some coffee.

Oh, well, I suppose as you'll be staying a while.

Kitchen's over there.

But don't go mad.

Yes, Rocky?

I'm doing my best.

What?

What?

I can't hear you.

Hold on.

What?

Can I help you? Yeah, you can.

Who are you?

I live here.

I'm Cathy.

I'm a tenth.

I'm sorry, Rocky. Could you say that again? I didn't get it.

Morning, Margaret.

You're here early.

Morning, Harry.

What's up?

Me.

I was up half the night trying to catch a wife and a boyfriend at it. Were they?

No.

What a shame.

Is it? I hate this divorce movie, Harry.

How about a nice cup of coffee?

Oh, that would be great. It might wake me up a bit. Ready in a jiffy.

Oh, they've come to put the lighting board in. That'll perk things up.

Oh, great.

It's smashing. I'm delighted.

Mind the bloody paint.

Best not to watch, matey.

Harry Crawford?

Hello, Mr Townsend. I'll be with you as soon as I can.

No sweat.

You must be joking.

What's the matter with you boys? You running out of steam?

Too much bloody grog last night. Come on. Hurry up.

There you are, you see. All it needed was a bit of muscle.

All it needed was a bit of help.

Yes, well, thank you very much, Mr Townsend.

Everything okay, Dory, for tonight, then? Oh, yes, no problem.

Extra stuff should be arriving shortly. You know, if this little corroboree goes

all right, we might do it again in a month or so.

Good. Excellent.

Shall we go through to my office?

Right. And all this is paid for by the Australian government.

To encourage trade, Harry.

Yes, of course.

You know, there's only two ways to a businessman's heart.

Cash in his pocket and grog down his throat.

I would like them to get the idea that Australian trade means a good price and

good shindig. Oh, we'll give them that, Mr Townsend. You have no fears.

No worries, Harry.

She'll be right, mate.

Right.

Better wire the booger up, then.

Morning, Sherlock.

What's happening?

Not much.

Any news on that Franklin case?

No, just sore eyes and a lousy headache.

Can you do me a favour?

Oh, any time.

You man the phone?

Well, no, I was going to do a bit more digging on young Fletcher.

Oh, Ken, he doesn't even know he's inherited any money. A few more hours

kill him.

Just want to get some sleep.

Anyway, it's about time you got to do some dangerous stuff.

All right, no problem.

Come in.

Excuse me, are you BDI?

Yeah, this is Ken Boone. I'm Margaret Daly. Can we help?

Can I have a word now, please?

Yeah, sure. Come in.

So, what's sleep?

I'm going to have to tap into the main supply.

I'll need the drill.

What's the matter?

Never seen a camel before?

So, your husband runs a video rental firm and he's away on a business trip in

Cannes. But when you went to the bank this morning, all the money from your

joint and deposit accounts had been withdrawn.

Yes, that's right.

But the bank manager said it was your husband who took it out.

Yes, and the same at two building societies as well.

I just don't know what's going on.

Was he a gambler?

Nay, no.

No, he never did anything like that.

Said he hadn't the nerve.

I've spoken to his partner, and he swears he's in Cannes.

But when I rang up the hotel, they said they didn't know where he was.

I don't know what's going on.

You know, Mrs Wilberforce, I feel that it's one of those problems that will

itself out in a day or so, but if you like, we can make some preliminary

inquiries routine.

Now, our standard fee is... Oh, God.

Sorry, I didn't think about money.

I just thought he was in some kind of trouble, you know, that you could find

out.

Well, you see, without funds, that's going to be difficult.

Yes.

Yes, yes, of course.

Well, thank you.

Oh, wait a minute. Just a minute.

How much money was in your account?

About £8 ,000 altogether.

This won't make.

Your husband's walking around with £8 ,000 on him.

What about payment on results?

What do you mean?

Well, we find him and then you pay us.

Oh, would you?

I'm sure I can borrow the money, you know, or something.

Obviously, I... No, don't worry, don't worry.

Mrs Wilberforce will need to speak to your bank manager, so can you ring him

let him know?

Yes.

Use the phone in here. Thank you. Thank you.

Very pretty, isn't she?

I wouldn't, would I?

What the hell's going on, Ken? We're not running a charity.

It just seemed a bit hard.

Oh, fine. So I'm hard?

No, not you.

It. I'll tell you something, Ken. If you want to go running around wasting time

on something which will most certainly turn out to be a domestic squabble with

no fee at the end, then you go right ahead.

But I'm damn sure I won't.

What you need is a night's sleep.

Don't patronise me, Ken.

Look, you go and see the bank manager, right? You're better at dealing with him

than I am. I'll do the legwork, OK?

Don't contradict me again in front of a client.

She was an ex -client at the time.

I'm gonna ride this pony till the sun goes

down.

Hello. Are you expecting a package for Mr. Alan Clark?

It's a mass freight for Windsurfboard.

Right.

Alan Clark.

No, we have a Gordon Clark, but no Alan.

Oh, dear.

I forgot the stand number.

Stupid, eh?

Just a bit.

Yeah, well, thanks for your help.

Of course, there's always a possibility it could be someone else impersonating.

No, the bank manager knows them well. He cleared the withdrawal personally.

He's doing a runner. Got to be.

Frankly, I don't think I'm under any obligation to discuss company matters

anybody who just walks in off the street.

I quite agree.

The thing is, Mr Chambers, we're only interested in the whereabouts of Raymond

Arthur Wilberforce.

Ah.

In the police, were we? Yes.

It shows.

All right, now we've established that, and you can check it if you like. Do you

have an address for Mr Wilberforce?

Plage Hotel, Cairns.

He's at a film and video exhibition.

He is a director of this, can't he?

Check the notepaper.

Yes, I have.

Any money troubles, do you think?

I couldn't say.

OK, it's fairly obvious that you and Wilberforce are good buddies, so we're

going to have to go back to his unfortunate wife and tell her best bets

on the phone to you ten times a day.

We're not buddies.

If Ray had any money troubles, it never showed.

I'm very sorry for Anita if she's in trouble.

It has nothing to do with me.

She does tend to get a bit hysterical.

Goodbye.

I said goodbye.

Hysterical about what?

Look, um... I'll say this, okay?

The marriage isn't 100%, okay?

Can I use your phone?

It's over there.

Do you have a number for Wilberforce's hotel?

Sure.

There. Thank you.

I'd be a bit more worried if I were you, mate.

And your partner, Wilberforce, is supposed to be out on company business.

He's been seen four times here in the city, cashing money out of all kinds of

accounts. Now, either he's lying to you or you're lying to us.

Why don't you make life easier? Is he checked into a hotel in Cannes or not?

To the best of my knowledge.

Does he sign the company checks?

No. Supposed to be your partner.

Yeah, that's right. I'm the finance director, Ray. Well, Ray looks after the

shops. Merci.

He checked in all right.

Apparently he's still there, although no -one's seen him. And he hasn't picked

up any of Anita's messages.

Sorry, he's running still.

Have you ever had any reason to be suspicious of him?

I think he was ribbing us off.

I can't prove it. It's just a gut feeling.

Anyway,

this whole system is computerized to the hilt.

Does he know much about computers?

No way.

Look, um... All the rentals are on.

Membership numbers.

All the charges are stored.

At the end of the day, we get a till count, we get a computer count. It's

foolproof.

Obviously.

You find a fiddle.

You find him.

And I'll contribute to your fee.

You're on.

There's one more thing.

He had a girlfriend.

Jenny, Judy, Janie.

Don't think the wife knew. In fact, I'm sure she didn't. I assumed he'd taken

her to Cairns with him.

That's why I was being a bit careful.

Sorry about that.

Janie's surname?

Address? Don't know.

She works in a pub.

Forget it, mate.

Give her a bunch of daffodil.

What's this?

Rotten plaster.

Oh, look at it.

Yeah, most of the plaster in here is added.

Bloody added, you know.

And what are you going to do about it?

Nothing. I'm getting on to your firm.

Check the agreement. No responsibility for decorations.

Decorations?

It's a bloody building job, that is.

You've ruined that wall, you have. No, actually, the wall is ruined anyway

because it's rotten.

I'd get the damp course looked at if I were you.

I've got an important function in here tonight.

I could have great lumps of plastiline all over the place.

Well, get on to the old yellow pages as fast as possible then, mate.

Yellow pages.

Yellow pages.

Yellow pages.

I phoned up again and you still didn't get his stand number. I'm sorry.

You're sorry.

I walked round that place three times. It's miles, you know.

Don't shout.

I can't help it. I'm not used to it yet.

Texas Rangers.

Yes?

Cash or account?

Right.

Address? Right.

He'll be right along.

And if that bloke phones up again, get his damn number.

Simple.

Don't say a word.

Not a bloody word.

I was just going to point out that koala bears live up eucalyptus trees, not

palms. Oh, I see.

I wouldn't realise when I put the light in board that I'd get David Bellamy

thrown in as well.

It's an Australian night, you see.

Oh.

Very noosky.

Look at it.

Looks better there.

It's kind of dead.

One thought, Ken, maybe it's not as local.

Now, I don't expect you to visit every pub in Birmingham, but...

What about one near the video shop?

Or maybe he had a quick one on the way home.

Yeah, you should be so lucky.

Bye.

No point, please.

We only do half, sir.

What? Only half, sir.

All right, well, I know half, then.

Tell me, um, does a girl called Janie still work here?

Two down there.

You're joking.

I never joke, sir.

Why?

Excuse me, you Janie? Yeah?

I wonder if I could have a word with you, when you've got a moment, in

What for?

Well, it's about someone I think you know, Ray.

Wilberforce?

No.

I think he must have fallen in love with his wife again or something.

So you stopped going out with him a month ago?

Yeah. Have you seen him since?

A couple of weeks ago.

Whereabouts? In the ballroom, in a shop.

Did you speak with him?

No. If I'd gone near him, I would have hit him.

That would have got me in real trouble.

What, violent, was it?

Ray? No.

It's just I do karate. I'd have killed him.

So have you got any idea why he should do this vanishing act?

I mean, did he say anything about it before you split up?

No. He was disgustingly cool about it.

Maybe he was a little jumpy, but he was that kind of guy. If he had anything on

his mind, he'd get a bit hyped up.

Did he have money problems?

Never saw any sign of it.

He said we'd get married once he'd sorted things out with his wife.

Did you want to?

Yes.

Did you meet any of his friends?

Alan Chambers, of course.

And Paul.

Who's Paul?

One of the regulars.

Real boring, that Paul is.

All he ever talks about is bloody computers.

Hello.

Paul, isn't it?

I think I met you with, um, Ray.

Wilberforce.

Might have done.

Yeah, I mean, what's he up to? I haven't seen him for a bit.

I don't know. I haven't seen him for a while either.

Into computers then, are you?

Yeah.

Could live in that.

Wish I'd got in for it.

Bit late now.

You're professional, are you?

Yes.

Right.

Well, nice to see you again, Paul.

I hate days like this.

Look, that's where I lost him. Right there.

Could be anywhere now.

Another couple of seconds, I could have had him.

Then the police would have had you.

Oh, come on, Ken. It's not the end of the world. We'll find him again.

Haven't we got a photograph of this Wilberforce?

No need. Everyone we're talking to knows what he looks like.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'm popping out for a couple of hours.

Why? Well, today seems to be catching.

Rocky's got his knickers in a twist over a drop at the NEC.

Well, what about finding Paul?

All right.

Besides, I did start man the phones.

Yeah, but you didn't, did you?

Yeah, but I would have done.

All right.

I'll start on Paul.

You are an angel.

Don't push it, can I?

Do you know anybody who has a computer phone?

A range of customer, maybe?

Yeah, one or two. Always biking bits round the town. Usually broken bits.

I might need a name later.

What for?

I want to check Chambers' computer programme.

Oh.

I'll see you then.

See you.

Quite an accommodating little wine, I think, considering it's travelled from

Antipodes.

Come on.

Pleasant, flowery volcano.

A dry, fruity aftertaste.

It's piss if you ask me.

If you don't like it, sample your thermos flask.

Don't get aggressive with him. He can't help it if he thinks a one -and -a -half

-litre bottle of chemical Valpolicello is what wine is.

Oh, bloody hell!

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Don't worry, it won't stay.

Give us the bear.

Hey, Roger, go and get some fuse wire.

That's in what we should contribute to this capitalist exploit of profits.

Bit never -minded, huh, Roger, I'm afraid?

And fit.

The vanguard of the working class is an old motor car.

Then why are you his assistant?

That's what you opt for, isn't it?

When I finished my degree, I got turned down for five jobs.

I thought knackers to this, mate.

So, I write short stories for science fiction magazines.

During the day, I earn a few bob as an electrician's mate.

I'll put it this way.

How much has this little lot cost you, eh?

Sorry, there's no company with that name listed.

OK, well, let's try the other way. Can you have him paged? Yes, if you like.

His name's A. Clark.

And ask him if he's expecting a package from Texas Rangers.

Right.

Hello, can I speak to Paul, please?

Oh, I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number.

Bye.

No luck, I'm afraid.

Oh, well.

I suppose I'll just do one more wonder.

You have tried the other building, haven't you?

What other building?

Oh, it's steady.

Listen.

You boys want to raise some money?

Yeah.

I'll tell you what, look round this place, find a bloke with sagging

sails. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Come back here, we'll wait for you, and tell us where he is, and you'll

get a pound.

Each?

Up between, yeah.

Each?

Yeah. All right, all right.

All right, come on.

That's two quid you owe me.

Hello, can I speak to Paul, please?

No, I don't know his surname.

You have two?

Oh, great.

Has anybody watched these knives and books?

Let's take that.

Yes.

That's him!

I don't believe it.

You wouldn't be the Texas Rangers by any miracle, would you?

Here are you two, go and buy yourselves a yacht.

Each? Thanks, mister.

I've been looking for you all day.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, bingo.

I suppose you want paint.

Well, I've been out here twice.

Well, whose bloody fault is that?

All right, a tenner I'll have to do. It's been a sod of a day, mate.

Well, what do you think it's been like here?

I mean, who wants to look at sailboats with their trousers at half -mast? All

right, all right, I'll give you a hand if it's the least I can do.

Here, I'd better get going.

Where to?

Down the video shop.

It's all right for some.

Oi, give us a hand with this, will you?

All right.

I can't give you the disc. We can't operate without it. Besides, it's got a

of confidential financial stuff on it. There could be a computer connection.

I'm sorry I'm as keen to get the answers as Anita is, but there's no way that

disc is leaving the shop.

Why are you so hostile, Mr Chambers?

I'm not hostile, but if there's something going on, I'd rather it stayed

the firm.

What you mean is you don't want officials poking their way through your

cupboards looking for skeletons?

What I mean is word gets round, credit gets scarce, suppliers want their money

up front in cash, all that. We know how to keep our mouths shut.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

She's an ex -copper, isn't she? Look, it's as simple as this. You either want

find out if Wilberforce is ripping you off or you don't.

Bloody customers.

I mean, clients. Why do they always think they're doing you a favour?

Because they are. That's the competition for you.

You all right,

pal?

I don't care.

All right?

Yes. Brian Sutherland, Margaret Daly.

Hello. How do you do?

Little mate, I wonder if you could help us.

Of course.

I'll give you the best price, you know that. Well, we're not actually buying

anything. Well, not at the moment. Probably in the long run, Margaret will

one of your things for her stuff.

Oh? What line of business are you in? I'm a detective.

Oh. Strictly private now.

Funny thing about going private is, if you're very successful at it, you have

go public.

Sam, what can I do for you?

If a computer program had been tampered with, could you tell?

Well, that depends.

What program?

Ah.

Oh, video rentals. I know this.

We sell these by the bucket load. And the computers that go with them.

Do quite well on that.

It runs all right in 512K, but we try to slog on a couple of megs, just for good

measure.

Who's me?

Well, that looks normal enough to me.

Bit more entertaining than most of the videos they rent out.

Right, nearly there.

One more fixing should do it. Pack me the drill.

What bloody hell's that?

Get away from that!

Bloody hell! He's dead!

Phone!

Ambulance! Electricity board! Call 999! Call

999!

It's absolutely fine.

Oh, well, it was worth a try.

Well, there is just one thing I can check.

No,

just the same.

What is that?

It's like a petrol gauge on a car.

Tells you how much of the disc has been used up.

Shouldn't they be the same?

Yes, they are.

Well... That's my eyesight's letting me down. Isn't that one higher than that

one?

Ah. Well, that's interesting.

Is it?

Hold on a moment, as the actress said.

According to this, the disc from the video shop is at least 1K bytes longer

the original.

What is a byte?

Eight bits.

Oh. You see, a bit is either on or off, and that means naught or one to the

computer. A bit is a bit, four bits is a nibble, and eight bits is a bite.

No wonder I couldn't get my teeth into it.

All I can say at the moment is there's something else on this disc, which is

odd, because the computers are telling me they have the same things on it. So

you mean it's possible there's something hidden on this?

Well, it's possible.

Could anybody do that? No, no, no. You have to be pretty advanced to do that

sort of thing. Could you find out?

Well, I could try.

It won't take five minutes.

Where's this thing produced?

Aberdeen.

Oh, you've got something against Aberdeen?

Oh, no, no, no. I was just hoping it was going to be a local company.

Simpler. You know, eight bits equals a bite equals a rip -off.

Did a good job in there.

It's more than I can show for you two.

Whatever it is, it's clever.

If you just look at this disc, it's all intense and perfectly identical to the

original, except it has something hiding on it. Very mysterious.

I wrote this.

Very pretty.

What's it mean?

Well, think of this disc as like a pad of blank sheets of paper.

The blank pages are green.

Now, the rules say if you write on a page, you have to enter it into the

Well, like the back of a book. With me?

Now, the yellow circles means these are bits of the disc that are written on and

are in the index.

Now, let's see.

Suppose you wrote on a page but didn't enter it into the index.

It's not a blank page, but then again, it's not a legal page either.

Aha.

Red means...

These bits of the disk are in use, but they're not entered in the index.

Very naughty.

So now we have to find out what's on these bits of the disk.

Ken, if you wouldn't mind handing me that.

I'll need to think about this.

When will the power come back on?

We'll try and start tomorrow.

Shouldn't be more than a couple of days.

What, I've got a bloody big door on here tonight?

I'm sorry, mate.

They've got to bring this cable all the way from the junction box in the street.

These fools shouldn't have been messing with it in the first place.

So it's up to them or you to pay for it.

Yes.

Here, Cubber.

I don't quite know what's going on here,

but I can smell a fraud.

Cracked it.

I hope.

Just as I thought.

They batted some more instructions on at the end and put a little change in

earlier on to make it do the new stuff.

When you press certain keys, right, here goes.

Now, how about Saturday?

What's all that about?

Ghosts. Press the right keys and you call up this ghost program which

isn't there.

It's changed the date on the disc.

Money which was there has gone missing yet.

All the totals add up.

Nice.

Say the staff put in, I don't know, a thousand pounds over the day.

You call up this little program, tell it there's only 800 pounds there, and

bingo, 200 quid in the pocket. It's as good as having your own market stall.

Nosy, nosy.

Very elegant and very useful if you want cash out of the till.

So long as you don't get too greedy, who's going to notice?

And it only takes a real old hacker like me to find it.

Because nobody actually bothers to check whether the computer's adding up

correctly. Can't be wrong, can it?

Wait a minute. I mean, is it possible for you to find out how much has been

swindled? Well, I could knock up another program to have a look at the original

data. It should take me, oh, I don't know, about an hour or so. I could copy

this disk.

Thanks, but I'll need this one for Everton. I'll probably need you at some

as well.

Well, any time you want to computerise, you know where to come.

I suppose we'd better tell them.

Do you want me to come with you?

No, I'll drop you off at the office.

I'd rather see Anita on my own.

Well, at least James will be pleased, all right?

What a bet.

Right, OK, thanks, Brian. Bye.

£2 ,800 in the last six months.

You still don't want the police in?

No. How many shops in your chain?

Five.

£14 ,000.

Plus my fee.

That's a lot to pay for the company image, Mr Chambers.

I'll tell you what.

If I get hold of him.

Well, if I can't find him...

And you still won't go to the police. I don't really think there's much chance

of that happening, do you?

What if you're wrong?

I mean, you're pretty sure of everything. I'm pretty sure, yes.

One thing wrong with all this computerised stuff.

What's that?

Till rolls.

Till rolls?

Yeah, it's a double check. See, nice and simple.

The till rolls match the daily totals. I've checked.

You're quite sure?

I can add up.

You poor old sod.

Told the Aussies, yeah?

You know, Ken, when everybody was rushing around, when the lights went

all the sparks and all that, I knew exactly what to do.

The old training was still there.

You know, I mean, I was in charge, no messing.

Yeah, well, you would be.

Yeah.

But, you know, afterwards, I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid.

I mean, I've been getting it in the neck all day from that young electrician. I

mean, was I trying to show him something, huh?

I mean, was I trying to prove something?

Harry.

Yeah?

Of course you proved something.

What?

Well, you proved your emergency lights work.

Oh, that's a great consolation, that is, Ken.

Oh, well.

Are you good?

Harry, just hang on a moment. I've got an idea. Don't do anything till I come

back, all right?

Why did he do it?

I mean, what's the point in robbing your own company?

Are you sure he doesn't gamble? No, no, he says it's a fool's game.

Mind you, he's lied about so much, he could be lying about that.

There's something else. I'm afraid there's another woman.

She says she hasn't seen him. I believe her.

Did you ever meet a young man called Paul with your husband?

Paul?

He's very interested in computers.

No, I don't remember any Paul, sorry.

Oh, well.

You know, it was my money he put into the business.

5 ,000.

When him and Alan started out.

I suppose you could say he was stealing from me and Alan.

Why did he have to take all the money?

Why did he do that?

Do you know if he ever brought any till rolls home with him?

Do you think there's any chance of him coming back to me?

Only you know that.

Maybe he's in some kind of trouble.

He's frightened to tell me.

He might be being blackmailed or something.

I want him back.

I don't care there was another woman.

I just want him back.

Do you understand?

Yes, I do.

Guess what his hobby is.

Of course, all those days out flying and love nights.

He was with her then, wasn't he?

When was this been here?

Oh, a couple of years. It's broken.

Are you sure?

Well, he said it was.

You know, Ray was like clockwork.

Regular. Used to go to work at the same time every morning.

Always rang if he was going to be late.

I really knew where I was with him.

He was always late some nights, of course. That was part of the routine.

Every Tuesday night, he'd always be late.

But I didn't ask where he was, because I thought I knew.

Very clever, really.

Sorry, you don't want to hear all this.

It's all right.

Will you be able to find him?

As well before it takes time, and I... I know, I know. It's a business.

What about the police?

Unless Alan Chambers wants to press charges, they won't be notified.

We were hired to find a fraud, which we've done. I'm sorry.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Do you have any friends who could come round, or you could go and stay with?

Yes, yes, yes. I've just put off ringing them, that's all.

Well, I think you should.

You think I should?

Well, thank you.

No, it's a great help.

Brilliant.

Absolutely bloody brilliant.

Look, I'll see you in a bit. I've got to go and do an interview. It's a lovely

idea.

What a publicity coup, eh?

Triumph slashed on the jaws of disaster.

Yeah, they're also saying X fireman saves workman's life. Yeah, well, I

Well, that's just routine for me, isn't it?

It's the publicity of the couch, mate. Oh, you can say that again, Mr.

You happy now, Mr. Clark? Yeah, excellent.

Doing an interview for the local paper in a minute.

Sailboard firm comes to the rescue.

And all that rubbish.

I'll see you.

How about local bike boss?

Turns cock up into piss up.

Thank you.

What about all of them being, let me give you Stella or something.

Is this thing working?

Yeah, g'day everybody.

Can I just have your attention for a couple of minutes?

Now listen, this is supposed to be an Australian Barbie.

Yeah, and I keep looking around and saying to myself.

Look at all these poor bastards choking themselves to death with bloody ties.

I'll tell you one thing you never see at an Aussie barbie.

It's a bloody tie.

So listen ladies, do the blokes a favour and rip those chokers off.

That's it. And I'll tell you what, there's a free bottle of grog to take

for every tie that we get up here.

That's the spirit.

Listen, I'll tell you another thing that we never see at an Aussie barbie and

that's trousers.

We'll leave that out for now.

I've probably met most of you by now. But anyhow, if I haven't, my name's Ross

Townsend.

Thank you, Mother.

And anyway, I'm with the Australian Business Partnership Committee.

Basically, we are a bunch of heavy drinkers who get so pissed off with the

and the surf and the naked sealers.

Every now and again, we like to come over here and try and persuade you

to share the burden with us.

But first off, I've just got to say, what a fantastic job Harry Crawford has

done in turning a disastrous day into a humdinger of an evening.

Yeah, come on, Harry, can you play up?

Good on you, Harry.

Nice day, Blue.

It's a great do, isn't it?

Are you from Australia?

You've got the time for it, have you?

Here you go. Oh, sorry.

Red or white?

Oh, I don't care.

I'll have one bottle of Chateau Alice Springs.

Harry tells me you write science fiction stories.

What sort of stories?

Uh, well, the last one was about a bloke who got marooned on an alien planet.

He was all alone, like. He spent 20 years carving out the moss, making this

gigantic message. It's 100 miles wide, so it can be seen by distant telescopes.

Did he get rescued?

No.

Well, what's the point?

Well, what he's saying is you can send out the biggest bloody message you like,

but it doesn't mean anybody's listening.

Well, what happened to him?

He's still there.

The chemistry of this planet won't let living things die. So he's immortal, but

all on his own.

Great.

What was in the message?

It says, please send new checkbook, a pair of clean underpants and Samantha

Oh, sorry I asked.

Oh, yeah.

What brings you here? You thinking you're setting up in Australia?

Me? No, no, no. I run a dispatch firm. You know, parcel, that kind of thing.

What about you?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we're off next week. We?

What, both of you? That's right.

For good?

For good.

So, what takes you to Australia, then? You got something set up over there,

you? Oh, well, that sort of range. Man is in computers, so she's got no trouble

getting a job.

And I'm going to buy into a chain of video rental shops. Ah.

Well, everyone's at it these days, eh?

Hey, we'll do one thing.

What's that?

Top plenty of Mad Max videos.

Oh!

Yeah, I will. Yeah, and neighbours. My mum loves neighbours.

I'll bear it in mind.

Yeah, well, good luck then, you know.

Everything's... Who was that?

I don't know, just some bloke.

Oh, hello.

Excuse me.

Mind if I have a nod?

Hey, are you still here?

Why don't you come and join us?

Oh, Ken, I've been up half the night. I'm wilting.

You don't look that wilted today.

Not at all.

Come and have a glass of wine.

No, I think I'll be off to my bed soon.

I think you'd have more fun with one of Harry's koala beds.

I'm too old for that. Can't climb the trees anymore.

So what are we going to do about Wilberforce?

Can't always tie things up neatly.

I mean, that poor woman's lost all her money, her husband, and we can do

about it till he shows up.

Great, isn't it?

Terrific.

Quite a

day.

Happy birthday, Ken.

I thought you'd forgotten.

Who, me?

Hey! Boom, you old bugger.

Stop mooching.

Go inside.

You're too old for all that.

All that?

Oh, what, Harry?

He is too old.

Hey, happy birthday, mate.

See ya.

Yeah.

Women, we share our money, we share our fun.

Whether we lose,

whether we're winning, just demand we win all the standard.

He's my friend, he's my friend, he's my buddy. Till the end, through thick and

thin, though the road may be muddy.