Original subtitles

Thank you.

It was dark enough.

The kind of night on which dark deeds were done by dark and dangerous men.

Sure, the moon shone, but only enough birds to make you feel that death lurked

in every doorway.

And in the streets of that mean town, death was a stranger to no man.

Least of all me.

My mistake had been to stick around and let the Frenchman find out I was just a

two -bit hustler from Deadville.

He'd stolen my woman, but that wasn't enough.

He wanted more.

He had my number. It was a kind of night and no good gambler's number came up in

space.

I calmed my halt, checked my gun, and turned around to take a bunch of shaky

steps along the broadwalk.

And that's when it hit me.

It hit me like a mouthful of bad Mexican enchiladas, heavy on the garlic.

Because right up ahead, just where they knew I could see them, were...

Oi.

What? Well, listen.

I am.

Oh, I've lost the place now.

Oh, yeah. There were two masked... You're doing it again.

What? Sniffing. Oh, no.

Well, don't.

I'm coming up to a good bit.

Right up ahead, there were two masked men.

God, you smell it.

No.

Look, right up ahead, there were two masked men. Look at... What?

Garlic.

Voilà.

Oh, it looks beautiful.

What is it?

Herring soleil à la Maurice.

Herring? Herrings for breakfast, of course. Why not?

Please, eat.

Enjoy.

Mmm, yes.

It's well sound.

Enchanté. This is the best kippers I've ever had.

There's no doubt about it.

Oh, good.

I mean, it's got that je ne sais quoi.

It's not quite finished, Mr Crawford.

Oh, no.

No.

Oh, no.

But even so, I have to say, it's quite... It's quite... stunning.

I do my best.

It makes a change to work for someone who has time to appreciate the

of modern art. Oh, well, you know.

Know what?

Well, I'm no expert like, but I know what I like, if you know what I mean.

What are them?

Crocuses.

I can't see them. Where are they?

There aren't any.

Oh.

Why are you putting them in there?

Texture.

I've added them to the picture to give it a balance.

A little splash of colour.

What, you're recognized after implanted, then?

Tem. El tem.

Nus temon.

Vus teme.

Eus temon. El temon.

Temi!

Hello, Texas Rangers, can I help you?

Debbie!

Hello, Mr. Bates, who is it?

It's me!

Who's me?

Rocky! Rocky,

it's Ken.

Oh, er, sorry, Ken.

Ken?

22 minutes past bloody 11.

Oh, get down and give your alter a break. That stuff's supposed to be in

Birmingham before 12, but we get our arses kicked.

Norman, you're paranoid.

What did you call me?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

A cold answer on the telephone.

That could be anybody.

Aye, the boss, for instance. Norman, if I was you, I'd seek psychiatric help.

Hello?

That's right.

Oh, okay.

Who is it? Shh.

Ten minutes.

Oh.

Well, all right, but it makes it all a little bit tight.

Fair enough.

Petrol?

Yes, we do, as a matter of fact.

Okay, thank you.

It only takes 40 seconds to trace a call. What the hell were you playing at?

dispatch writer broke down just up the road. He'll be here in about ten

He needs petrol.

Where are you going?

To get some bloody petrol.

I think I'm going to get dead fast.

Oi.

I want a word with you.

Quail's eggs.

Yes, that's right. Now, is my signature on there?

No, it isn't. Look, if I want 200 bloody quail's eggs, I'll buy a pregnant

bloody quail.

And this, what is the meaning of this?

Oven chips.

It is abominable.

Oh, ah. When I accept the position of head chef, it is because you assure me

wish for clean cuisine, style, grace, taste.

Oven chips is not my ideal of taste.

Oui.

Your brains are made in Greensby.

Don't you walk away from me when I'm talking to you, otherwise you'll find

yourself back in bloody Boulogne or somewhere.

You and your bloody quail's eggs.

Hello, yes, Harry Crawford, proprietor of the Cochrane Inn Hotel.

Yes, may I help you?

What?

Oh, yes, right, yes. What, um, what, credit cards?

Yes, well, we do keep an eye out for them, yes, and the bank tells us about

dodgy ones.

Yeah?

Oh, no, they're made of plastic.

Yes.

Yes, well, thank you very much for ringing.

Yes, I'll tell my staff to keep an eye out for them, yes.

Right, I'll tell.

Thank you.

Forged credit cards.

Well? There's going to be a whole lot of them flooding the place from Bartley

Green to Borsley.

Harry, that stink, it's garlic, isn't it, coming out of your kitchen?

It's filling up my flat and the offices. I mean, the whole place reeks of the

stuff, even my helmet.

Kenneth. Oh, Kenneth, oh, it's that serious, is it?

The smell to which you are referring is the rich aroma of Nouvelle cuisine.

Well, it is bloody horrible.

I was almost sick over me cornflakes.

Ken, you don't seem to understand how vital a classic French restaurant is to

the hotel trade.

Yeah, all right, all right. And that Debbie, she's been missing three times

week. Well, I'm sorry, Ken.

If you can't control your staff... My staff?

Morris in there, he's like Rudolph Valentino on heat.

Limey.

What? You're jealous.

Not.

Oh, Davida.

Davida. Where's he coming along, then?

Very well, Harry.

You know, it's good of you to let me have a room with so much light.

Are you sure I can't give you even a nominal payment?

Davida, I'd like you to meet an old colleague of mine. Davida Duff, Ken

Hello. Davida's capturing the coaching inn in oils.

You are?

I'm painting the hotel.

Is that right?

How many coats?

No, on canvas.

I'm having a picture of the hotel hung here in reception.

Davida's a member of the Royal Academy.

Her miniatures are famous.

Mmm, garlic.

Yeah, I've been trying to tell him.

Doesn't he like French food?

No, afraid not.

Ken's a bit of a rough diamond.

Funny. I thought the same thing about you.

He runs the delivery dispatch...

Service. Really?

We used to put out fires together.

I'll bet you did.

Bonjour, Monsieur Crawford.

Il fait beau aujourd 'hui, n 'est -ce pas?

Texas Rangers.

Good.

Norman, will you take your poodle inside? You know, it's way past his

I'm warning you. Shut it.

Does he bite?

Only when he hasn't been fed.

The dog is much more dangerous.

I've got you some petrol.

Oh, right, thanks.

Look, I'm sorry about the... I'll take it off the bill.

Yeah. These must be delivered to the address on the label in half an hour.

very urgent. Sure. And be careful.

Very careful.

Moon to base.

May collection proceeding to Marlborough Farm for delivery.

Over. Are you making a packet note of them? How many times have you been back

now?

Listen, love, never mind. Just stay by the microphone, OK?

Ken?

Ken?

Receiving you, base.

Texas Rangers.

Audie Murphy.

Audie Murphy. No, Alan Ladd, Shane.

No, he was just a drifter in Shane. You're thinking of... Glenn Campbell,

Grit. That's the one.

Okay, who was the girl?

Oh, I knew you'd ask me that. Thanks.

It's all right. I can't remember either. Nobody ever does. Have you got the...

Yeah, there we go.

I'll go get the parcel for delivery.

Hey, I'm coming in.

He held the reins between his teeth.

John Wayne and True Grit. Oh, yeah, right.

Address is on the label, the Britannia Hotel.

Oh, real mean place, huh?

Do I put it on the bill? Yeah.

It's nice out here.

Quiet. That's the way we like it, stranger.

That's a good accent. You should have been an actor. No money in it.

So long, math man.

Hi -ho silver.

Bloody

hell

was that supposed to be? You see a silver bullet?

I never could stand that bloody Lone Ranger.

It's open.

What's up with you?

Ken, do you ever get depressed?

Only when I see you on that bike.

No, I'm serious. I mean really depressed.

Down, near the edge.

Why?

I'm depressed.

Debbie's in love.

What? You know, walking on air birds, twittering, napping.

How do you know?

She told me. And Mr Crawford must be a bugger or something with that Daphne

thingy woman.

Davida. Oh.

I can't talk to either of them.

Every time I see Debbie, she's either eating, talking French, or showing me

pictures of women in childbirth.

Ken, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

Oh, she's not going to leave, is she? She can't leave, Ken.

Rocky, I don't know.

I just don't believe it.

It's like deep purple splitting up all over again.

I'd been stupid. I was a big man with a big gun.

But I let a dirty bunch of dirty people make a sucker out of me.

I'm sorry to disturb you, but I want a word.

Come in.

You weren't busy, were you?

No, I was reading.

Only, er, it is important.

It's called Death Is No Stranger.

That's nice.

Erm, it's about work, actually.

It's about a cowboy hunting a French gambler on a riverboat.

New Orleans.

Yeah, Texas Rangers.

Yeah, revenge.

Look, erm...

I know I've been a little bit distant lately.

I think you've been invisible.

Yeah, well, the thing is, I think I'm going to be even more distant in the

future. How come?

I'm leaving.

Why?

I'm getting married.

You?

Yeah. What's so funny?

Well, nothing.

No, I'm... Who to?

Geth.

Morris. Yeah?

You serious?

Of course I'm serious.

Oh, Debbie, please. Have you thought about what you're going to do?

You're probably about to make the biggest decision in your entire life.

I want you to be careful.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, don't jump into something that you might regret.

Look, try and understand, will you? I mean, we're both only young.

And I didn't ask him.

He asked me.

But he's French.

Oh, Ken!

Well, what I mean is, I just feel he's not right for you.

You're wrong, you know. You don't know him like I do.

I mean, he's gentle, and he's kind and strong, and he's ever so independent.

What's he want to get married for, then?

Oh, you're horrible!

I thought at least you'd understand.

You're overweight.

So is your mouth. Police forces throughout the country have cancelled

placed their men on standby because of a renewed threat of an IRA bomb campaign.

A number of likely targets for attack have already been identified.

You know, you're making me nervous.

This whole thing is dynamite.

One lip and weird banjack, the whole operation could be blown to bits.

I told you I didn't want that dog barking like that. It's bad enough

getting excited without a hound in the back of it cracking on.

I like him.

I'm not explained a lot.

We're in more danger from that damn dog than from anything else around here.

How many parcels did we deliver today?

Five. All been picked up at the Bretonnia.

And why do you have to keep using the same bike riders as escapes me?

I would do.

And there's still been no word from the boss yet.

We don't even know if the things will bloody well work or not.

Of course they'll work.

Well, I don't like it. You don't like anything.

They might not even be there.

Satisfied? Don't answer it.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Well, what do you think?

Told you, didn't I?

Hey, just one more process to make sure.

Sure, yeah, we can make a lot more.

Just a day or two and then we could be all.

Right, no problem. See you.

Ken, what are you doing creeping up behind me like that?

What are you doing going out dressed like that?

Look, Ken, when it comes to taste, we've already established what division

you're playing in.

I could buy a new bike with what you're wearing.

Oh, very droll.

How much do the shoes cost?

Excellence has no price.

I'm sorry to hurry you, but I've got a prior engagement.

Yeah, that's what I wanted to have a word with you about. A word? Look, we're

old mates. It's Davina.

Davida. You sure you know what you're letting yourself in for?

You ain't kidding, I do.

Harry.

You think she's a gold digger, don't you? Yes, I do.

Well, to be quite honest, Ken, I don't care.

Because for once in your life, I'm going out with a woman who's going to make

everybody else in the room sick with envy instead of me.

I don't trust her, Harry.

Ken, I am bored with women I can trust.

I've spent my entire life searching for a woman I can trust, and it's got me

absolutely nowhere. So tonight, I'm going out, and I'm going to get taken

advantage of in every way imaginable. Ken? And I'll kid you not, mate, I'm

to enjoy every minute of it. Ken! Yeah, okay, okay, but there was something

else. Ken!

Oi! Do you mind?

This is a private hotel, not any live aid. No, it's the paper.

Yeah, not now, Rocky, please.

Look, have you seen Debbie?

We sort of fell out. I think she's a bit upset.

Oh, you have got it bad, haven't you?

What's the matter?

You feeling left out?

Oh, come on, Harry.

Sorry, mate.

No, afraid I haven't.

Oh, yes, hang about.

Yes, she's gone off into town with Maurice, which is where I'm going now.

me.

Ken, Ken, look.

What?

Bombs, mate!

Bombs!

Rocky, please.

Bombs.

Have you got it right?

Norman, I'm the one with the degree in chemistry.

You're the one with the dog, OK?

I only asked.

Of course, I've got it right.

We can make a bomb out of this stuff, sure enough.

No, I can't. This is for real. I ain't kidding, mate.

I had one in here and one in here.

I've done three trips. You've done two.

I could have been blown up five times.

Dan, feel my heart.

Go on, clear my arse, Rocky.

See? It's been going like that ever since I realised, and it's not getting

better, Ken.

I tell you what, mate, I'm never going back there again, never, ever. What are

you on about?

Mildwater Farm.

It's a bomb factory.

It's a farm.

Well, what do they want chemicals for, then?

Well, farmers use chemicals, you know, pesticides, for farming on farms.

And they're Irish.

No, they're not. Well, one of them is, the other one. What other one? The Irish

one. Rocky. With a dog?

Was the dog Irish?

No.

But the truck was.

Had Irish number plates, you know, red ones.

Ken, what are we going to do?

We are going to get on our bikes and ride, ride, ride.

Frenchy had taken my woman, but he hadn't taken my bride.

And what's more, there were two of us now.

Two men who weren't afraid to die, because dying's easy.

The kid was tough, mean, with eyes that looked like a rattlesnake had just taken

up residence inside his brain.

If I was going to get in a tight spot, those were the kind of eyes I wanted to

see my way out of it, and fast.

Would sir care to order?

No.

I'll give it a few more minutes.

As so be it.

Bloody smart -ass.

Oi, darling.

Fancy a good time?

Yes. Booger off. Who's gas?

Oi, guys.

You wearing those shoes, old flogging -ass? You can shush it before I spit in

your head and kill you. You'd better stand up first.

Deborah!

Deborah!

Ah, you big puff!

Deborah, you look like heaven.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm coming as quick as I can, mate. Come on.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Well, what can I say?

You look phenomenal.

Thank you.

It's not very often I get the chance to entertain somebody as graceful as you.

I find that hard to believe.

No, you don't.

Thank you.

What for?

For arriving.

For being so spectacularly beautiful.

And for wiping the smirks from the face of those bloody idiot waiters there.

Waiter.

Have a menu for the lady, please.

Oh, of course, sir. I do beg your pardon.

Thank you.

Champagne.

Art is like a double -decker bus.

I see, yes.

It's full of seats.

Yes.

And there's a lot of bums.

And a conductor.

Bums on seats.

Now, it's the conductor's job to go round collecting the tickets.

And it's the driver's job to drive the bus.

Hmm?

Art.

Now, you.

You, Davida.

You're a driver.

And I'm a conductor.

And he's just a bum with a big seat.

He can't drive and he can't collect. He just has to sit there looking out the

window.

Kenneth Clark said that.

Oh, my God.

Here, let me... No, no, no, no, no, no. It's my treat.

Please, it's the least I can do.

Really.

Okay. Excuse me just for a second, Harry.

Hey.

I'm Eric Crawford.

I went to Tesco today.

Who? I bought some coffee.

French coffee.

Dark roasted.

With chicory.

And cream.

Maybe just one cup.

Merci, Madame Crawford.

Thanks very much.

Yes.

Harry, time to go home.

You pillow.

They must have just changed the number plate.

Perhaps they just changed the lorries.

Right.

Maybe they realised I was on to them, sold the lorry they had and used the

to buy enough. Rocky, good night.

Ken. What?

Maybe they're smuggling explosives in tins of paint.

Oh, yeah, look, there goes another flying pig.

I'm going to bed.

No.

The whole thing's weird.

Just not right.

The only thing weird about it is you make explosives.

Well, what about them chemicals?

We use the chemicals to make paint and plastics.

Plastic explosive?

No, no, not plastic explosives.

Ordinary paint, ordinary plastic.

Well, how would you know? You're a chemist all of a sudden.

Because long before I was stupid enough to employ a long -haired, leather -clad

refugee from the Grateful Dead fan club, I was a fireman. And if you want to put

fires out, it helps to know what stuff burns.

And I've got to assure you, the one thing that burns really well is paint.

And plastics.

That's true.

Because those are the chemicals in it. OK.

Well, that number plate was red. Well, you'll have to be red if I kick you down

those stairs.

And that bloke was Irish.

At least we know the system works.

This is the real thing.

If we got this lot out, there'd be no stopping us. None too soon, if you ask

What have you got there?

The dog had it just now.

I told you not to leave him lying about.

You might wear red socks and wash them in garlic, but I don't.

Ken, it doesn't matter how I might look or feel now.

The fact is that last night...

It was one of the greatest nights of my life.

Yeah, well, you can't remember anything that happened after 8 o 'clock. How

could it be the greatest night of your life?

I fell in love.

Harry, you fell in the gutter.

Ken, I don't like to see you this bitter.

Look, and I'm not going to fall out with you over it.

She's a marvellous woman, and I'm going to ask her to be my wife.

And I had hoped that the prospect of being best man at my wedding would have

filled you with something other than jealousy.

Yes, well, quite obviously I was mistaken.

All right.

Well, perhaps we'll talk about it later today when you're not feeling under such

a strain.

But now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a hotel to run.

Morning. Hello.

Early riser.

It's a nice day. The light's right.

It's nice.

Thank you.

Do you have a good evening?

What? You and Harry.

Yes, thank you.

What's he know about this morning?

Sorry? Harry. Have you seen him around?

No, sorry. I'm afraid I haven't.

So why the big come on, then?

I beg your pardon?

I've known him for a long time.

The only other woman that went for him had him by the throat.

I don't think I get your drift, Kenneth.

He's my mate.

I don't like to see him being made a fool of. Nobody's making a fool out of

anybody. Come on, love.

He's not in your league, is he? I happen to think he's very sweet, actually.

I happen to think you're taking him for a ride.

Mr. Boone? What?

On your bike.

Oh, you're in then?

Yeah, I am.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for them red socks.

You haven't seen them, have you?

Yes. I slung them out. They stunk of garlic.

Oh, wait,

what did you do that for?

He was needing you.

Well, I'm sure you can find someone to buy you a brand new pair, especially

after last night.

Oi! He had one cup of coffee and went home.

Really? Yes.

He was very honourable.

Very.

Oh, look, I'm sorry you feel that way.

But it won't change anything.

Me mind's made up.

Well, it's only a business, I suppose.

Poor old Rocky will have to start looking for another job.

Are you not going to sack him, are you? Just because of last night?

No, but if you're going, I can't see how we can carry on, efficiency -wise.

Still, that's not your problem, is it?

Where is he, anyway?

Well... Sorry?

The coaching inn. Do you know it?

Oh, yeah.

Okay. What was it?

Heavy night?

Well,

the best thing about hangovers is they can only get better.

Brian, see you.

Yeah.

Has he gone?

Aye. Right.

Let's get this lot loaded and we can be off.

I thought I was smart.

I hadn't trusted the kid. I reckon he was yellow and green.

Yellow and green?

And where was he now, gone?

Food for the buzzards.

He tried to warn me, but I hadn't listened. I was smart. Yeah, real smart.

I was so smart, a whole lot of innocent people were going to wake up real dead.

Wake up wondering what it was like to go to heaven carrying three pounds of

heavy -duty lead in their plastic.

Come on, answer.

Oh, where are you, Deb?

Hello, Texas Rangers.

Can I help you?

Debbie, it's me.

You're not lost again, are you?

No, no, it's not that.

Go on, then.

So you had someone on your bike, right?

Yeah. Like, really dangerous.

And you was really worried about it.

Well, what did you do?

That's what it was.

Say you had a bomb, right?

Well, what would you do?

Tell the bomb squad.

Yeah, right.

Okay, Deb. Jeez, yeah, bye.

Um,

excuse me, officer.

Uh, I've got a bomb on my motorbike.

so uh that thing can take all the stuff out

What do you mean?

I mean, it can unlock the panniers on my bike.

What for?

To take the bomb down.

Don't be daft.

Well, what's it going to do, then? Ten seconds to target.

It blows things up.

What?

It's a controlled explosion.

Your bike.

Ten seconds to target.

Weapons loaded, okay?

One minute to explosion.

Okay, everybody, heads down!

Oh, why?

What the bloody hell do you think you're doing? Get back!

Get back! Get back, you idiot!

That'll do nicely, sir.

Ken?

Ken, will you give me a weight, please?

Plastic. Eh?

That Davida. No wonder her miniatures are famous.

She's done most of them in the neck.

Ken, I'm discussing my wedding. What are you on about?

Mildwater Farm. You know that Davida, Harry's girlfriend?

She's a forger.

An art forger, please.

No, not art, love. Credit cards.

Plastics.

Polymers, ethylene, carbon, plastic credit cards.

Yeah, police.

Come on, hurry up. We want to be clear here in half an hour. Shut up and get

bloody stuff loaded.

Hey, we can make that stuff happen.

Yeah.

Don't do that. Detective Sergeant Unger, CID.

Detective Sergeant Beecher, Regional Crime Squad.

Yes. Harry Crawford.

Yes. Proprietor of the Coaching Inn Hotel.

Yes. Am I right in understanding you currently have in your employ a certain

Monsieur Maurice de Coubertin?

Yes.

It's in the kitchen.

Thank you.

And a guest in residence.

Under the name Miss Davida Duff?

Yes. Good.

You'd be so kind as to take us to her room.

If

you're

thinking of going on holiday, you're going to need one of these.

But he's an artist.

Ken, tell him, he's not a criminal.

Honest, mister, he's not a terrorist.

A what?

A bomber. He's not.

Bloody right he's not, miss. He's a bigamist.

What?

He's a cordon bleu chef.

Ah, that's the tragedy of the man, sir. Brilliant cook and at least three wives,

to my certain knowledge, once he's been through the ceremony with any road.

Ken, I don't feel well.

A bigamist!

Demi, his only legitimate wife works in a bread shop in Tipton.

She was a parlour maid when he met her. French.

She was small as well.

Married? Three times?

Yes, miss.

And all of them worked in hotels.

Seems to be a thing of his. Don't ask me why.

One seems more than enough for most of us.

Apparently he has this obsession with the wedding service.

Walking up the aisle.

Can't get enough of it.

Sorry.

What are you going to do then? Deport him?

Only as far as Wolverhampton.

You're not taking him back to France?

I don't see why, miss. His real name's Billy Clutterbuck and he's from Cradley

Heath.

Oi!

What are you waiting for?

Shut up and let's get going, will you?

Debbie.

Can we put the other one here?

Inspector.

Detective Sergeant, if you don't mind, sir. Yeah, sorry.

There's all this fraud, these credit cards.

Yes? Well, I mean, I'll be liable, will I?

Financially. Oh.

Oh, no, sir. Not at all.

I don't believe it, Ken.

What's me going balmy?

I was going to marry a master forger.

Mistress?

What? Mistress forger.

Oh, very funny.

I thought you said her miniatures were famous.

Yeah, miniature portraits.

Not logos on credit cards.

Oh, come on, look on the bright side of it, eh? You've helped the police solve a

credit card fraud.

We've saved Debbie from a fate worse than death.

And you've got a free picture.

Yeah. Hi.

Have they gone yet?

Come on, Stanley.

Come on, hurry up.

OK, Harry.

Now, I've had it all framed and ready, but I didn't want anybody to see it

it was on the wall.

Ready? Yeah.

It sounds... Very nice, Harry, very nice.

It's called art, Rocky.

Why's all them people got no clothes on, Mr Crawford?

Oh, my God.

Take over for a while, will you, kid?

I'm going to go and have a lie down.

Well, well.

No one to cry to, no one to blame,

whatever they do,

they'll feel the same, just thinking of

her,

their brief romance,

he could have loved her, given half a chance.

She broke the heart of the handsome stranger,

tore it apart.

That lonesome ranger, right from the start,

they knew the danger.

She broke the heart of the handsome stranger.