Original subtitles

I got no telephone.

Good morning, sir.

I'm at the end of a long treasure hunt.

Hopefully.

I'm looking for Mr Boone. I was told that he lives here.

Sometimes it does feel that way.

Business, is it?

Uh -huh.

I'll have him here within 20 minutes. If you go into the dining room, you'll be

in time for a couple... Why not just tell me where he lives?

You'd never find it.

Perhaps you'd like to speak to Mr Crawford?

Even if I knew who he was, why should I want to speak to him?

Well, he's the boss of here. He's no friend of Mr. Boone's. No?

So nothing, really.

Does Mr. Boone live in a cave?

Why don't you just give me his address?

All right, I'll leave.

Oh, sure. This is Mr. Crawford.

Bob. And old Brad.

We don't know each other, do we? Aaron McClavis.

Halls contractor.

What? Oh,

you'll be wanting a word, then.

You're an astute man, Mr. Crawford.

Am I?

Yes.

Why don't you best come through to the office, then?

Get us a pot of coffee, I need, will you?

No biscuits for me.

Do you want biscuits?

No, thanks. Mr Crawford, it's Mr Boone. Mr McLavity wanted to speak to you.

Well, give him a buzz, then.

I don't know, you give these kids a good start and you wind up thinking for

them. Am I right?

No. And before you know it, they're answering you back.

Yes?

No, George.

Who are you?

Who?

Well, it's been nice talking to you, Hanif.

Eh?

Of course I'll be seeing him.

Oh, say all that again, son.

What's this?

Well, it's a goat, isn't it? I don't mean that.

You know this is private land, don't you?

Well, grass needs cutting.

So?

Inside that trap is the finest lawnmower known to man.

This stump will look like a bowling green when she's through with it.

If I like the set -up, I'll bring my geese next week. Good house dogs, geese.

You need some security round here.

Yeah, you're telling me, mate, you've got the wrong place.

The safari park's down at Budley.

George Eames.

I live in the inn cottage.

If you've got any problems, give me a shout.

I thought that's what I was doing.

So, tell me the problem.

Well, what's wrong with your own garden?

I'm not having that work its way through my dahlias. They get a taste for it,

they turn into animals.

All right.

Two pints of milk a day. Done.

I've got a pig at home.

No. Right.

It's a nice pig.

No way.

Hey!

I answered the phone on the way up. Your office wants you.

Pronto.

That's Italian for quick.

Well, I can wait.

I've got a boiled egg and some soldiers going cold on my table. Really?

Hey! I'll join you.

Look, I thought you said you could be here in 20 minutes.

You can.

I'm not his keeper, you know.

We're just old mates from the brigade.

Army?

No, fire brigade.

What do you want with Ken, anyway?

Oh, that's for me and him to discuss, isn't it?

Well, he'll only tell me about it after. See what I reckon to it.

That you're not his keeper, right?

I take care of them all.

Good bunch of staff you have here, Mr Crawford.

Especially him.

Even the Asian boy, ain't he?

Especially the Asian boy.

I have had one or two rough Irishmen passing through, though.

Well, that's all very good to know.

What is?

Did you trust your staff?

A discreet establishment.

Could you describe yourself as that?

You working for Egon Rowney?

Strictly personal, Mr Crow.

Discreet?

I think I can claim to know a sod all about the people who stay here.

Errol.

You said all the common name where you come from.

No, no, just myself and Mr. Flynn.

So what's your interest in the place, anyway?

What is it, works, dinner, all each convention, and we do them all, you

No, nothing like that.

No, I was just musing on the fact that too many establishments pry into one's

affairs.

It isn't enough that you pay your bill, I'm sorry.

With me, too.

Good.

So why don't you tell me what you're after, Errol?

In the fullness of time, Harry.

Hello, love. What's the Irish? Who is it? An Irishman.

Very attractive.

Soft -spoken sort of chap.

Gentleman. You know, Ken, when you find a really cultured Irishman there,

well... A bit of a shock.

How that comes, he's far and didn't come off a peg. So what does he want with

me?

In there with Harry.

Come in.

Oh, Ken, this is Mr McLaverton.

Hello. Pleased to meet you.

I was beginning to wonder if you existed.

Do sit down, won't you?

Yeah, sit down, Ken.

So... Now, anything about barges, Mr Boone? Well, nothing useful.

In fact, I go surprised to say, sweet F .A. There's nothing if not honest.

So, uh, what's the job?

I have a narrowboat stranded in Hamilton, Mr Boone. Needs fetching to

Green, to my wharf.

Um, when you say stranded, I mean, what exactly do you mean?

No use your head, Ken.

Regular skipper's off sick.

Gallbladder. And what does this barge carry?

Ken, I like you.

You ask all the right questions.

Perishables. In the shape of pony nuts, hence the urgency.

What's pony nuts?

Just what you'd expect, Ken.

Not for ponies.

And, um, how much did you see this urgency being worth, Mr. McLabarty?

Only one thing I'd be relied on, Ken.

Not as much as you think.

One hundred pounds.

Yeah, well, I'll, um... I'll think about that.

Okay, I'll see you.

Hundreds, they're going right.

I'm in the wrong business.

And he's got to have a think about it. I don't know.

Harry, there are some people who work their fingers to the bone for very

Like your good self.

There are others like Ken who think that's a fool's game.

Not that he's a financial wizard, of course. And you are, of course.

But he can tell that I need him.

Quick sharp.

He'll walk back through that door and ask for 150.

Would you like to bet on that?

Hey, Tori. Yes?

How do you fancy playing both of them for my captain?

Why, what's on?

Him in there wants me to bring a barge up from Amalent. Oh, you don't know

anything about barges. This is true, but you do.

A week on the Norfolk Broad doesn't qualify me, Ken.

How much?

150. Well, once I've upped him a bit.

Is that all?

Oh, come on, love. I'm only going to drive a boat up the canal. We're not

to sink the Belgrano.

What do you say?

A bit of fresh air. Nice pubs.

Make a change in this place.

Will you square it with Harry?

Does that mean yes? No, love, that means will you square it with Harry?

Ken, and I trust there's more than one cabin on this boat.

Bound to be.

Oi, have you seen that notice back there?

Oh, sorry, mate.

I live in Birmingham.

Different kind of language up there.

Yeah, well, you're not meant to ride along this path.

I wonder why we had it all to ourselves.

Well, I've seen one of these about before.

Well, you wouldn't, would you, if you don't let them ride along here?

Yeah, it's nice.

How's Errol?

Oh, you know him, do you? Oh, everyone does.

Apparently the skipper of this thing, his gallbladder's playing him up.

Oh, yeah?

You know how to work the boat there? No, wife does.

She done a week on one before we met.

What are you towing?

Pony nuts.

I suppose you want me to give you a lift on board with this now, do you? Oh,

that's a gin. A lift and a step, eh, don't you think? Unless you're evil

Knievel, yeah.

Hey, nice, eh?

I'm not pleased, Ken.

What? Well, you assured me and Harry there'd be separate cabins.

Oh, come on, Harry's not your dad.

None of his business.

Oh, I think maybe.

There are two bunks. You can take the right and I'll take the left.

Boiler. What?

Light it, please.

It's all laid out for some reason.

Well, perhaps that's the way life seems.

My old man used to wash up Sunday dinner before he'd eaten the ruddy thing.

Do yourself a favour, Ken. The skipper's got trouble with his gallbladder, but

before he takes time off, he cleans up, lays the fire, and he even stocks the

fridge. Well, perhaps he's a kind man.

You know, it's about time you stopped seeing good in everyone.

You know what I think?

What?

I don't think there is a skipper.

I think McLavity runs this boat if and when it suits him. What makes you say

that? The service book of his car, his brand -new pillar -box red Montego.

And may I remind you that he's Irish?

Oh, come on, he's got a right to live, hasn't he?

Anyway, I expect his family built half this ruddy canal.

All your ears are gold.

Hmm.

Nice break, I thought. A few days on the canal.

What happens ten miles out of Birmingham?

White lightning develops chronic asthma. All right, but it did get us here,

didn't it? Yeah, five hours late via every lay -by and petrol station from

Birmingham to London. OK, OK, tomorrow will be different.

Clean air, blue skies.

I can front the Oracle.

Fair to dry.

Oh, it's broken.

Come on, Tonto. I'll make us some bacon and eggs.

That's more like it. I bet someone once said, never go to sea on an empty

stomach. Especially Birmingham.

This

is a

way to see the countryside, Doreen.

Not a tree.

Never mind the tree, look out for the nearest pub.

It says on the map there should be one just about.

Exactly where that one is, there.

Yeah!

to your proper run, boaters.

Aye, aye, Captain.

What do I do now, then? You're the expert.

Passed on or passed off?

We are sailing a barge, love, not knitting a sweater.

When I say jump, jump.

Jump!

Yep. Great.

Hey, I can smell roast beef.

I can almost feel it. Dark on the outside, red on the in.

Come on. Yes.

Hi. A bottle of pills and a gin and ice, please.

What's that?

186, please. Thank you.

One for yourself.

Oh, Jesus Christ, son. You're supposed to pour it down your throat.

I'm sorry.

Don't I know you?

No.

No problem. I'm sorry.

Come on.

Do you know, to me, Doreen, life is like a lampshade.

Hanging by a thread.

No, stretched to its limits.

Taught. Yeah.

Round, and in the middle, there's this burning glow, the bulb.

The longer you leave it on, the hotter it gets.

Until the element burns out.

Yeah. And he's surrounded with frills. And you're a frill.

And I'm the burning glow.

And you're about to get singed.

Ahoy there.

Now you are what I would call pretty.

Perhaps you care to know how I came by these noble questions.

Difficult birth.

By breaking the bones of clever little men like your good self.

You know, there's a scene in the Magnificent Seven.

One of the Mexicans says to your Brenner, he says, here, gov, we don't

geezer who looks like a side of beef gone wrong.

We want the one who done it to him. I've never forgotten that.

He was a lad somewhat like yourself, was he?

Look, can I get you two a drink?

No, thanks.

I'd rather enjoy yours.

Well, well, well, well.

You're the son that Clarity always said would beat the black out of us if we

hurt him.

Son? Well, if you're not, what are you doing on his barge? Well, he asked me to

chug it up to Birmingham.

Not that it's any of your ruddy business. Oh, but it is.

Your father owes us money.

What for?

Big spenders like yourself, maybe.

But to us, it constitutes a living.

Two months ago, we towed a cargo for him when his gallstones were giving him

jib. He promised us 200 pounds, and we're still waiting.

200?

Yes. And then all of a sudden, cash flow rots set in, and the dear old gent

hadn't got 200.

We opted for payment in goods.

50 table lamps.

Only there was somebody else with table legs.

And in spite of my impeccable family connections, we got fined £100.

Yes, we confront somebody. But he just screamed at us. He said, don't you touch

me or my son will have your ears thrashed.

So naturally we thought that you... I'm sorry, what's your name?

Ken. This is Doreen. Ken, yeah, Ken.

Well, uh... Actually, we thought that you'd weigh in at 20 stone, Ken, you

Eating arrow bolts for breakfast, that sort of thing.

But you don't, do you?

And we are still 300 quid, like.

Look, I'm not his son.

Honestly. Then what are you, Ken?

Well, I'm freelance. I'm an ex -fireman.

In what way ex, Ken?

I got injured in the course of duty.

In the course of your duty?

Did you ever have a bottle of cold pills rammed up your nose?

Not as a regular thing, no. No, it's just 300 quid.

Cash is favourable. We take goods if the goods is scotian.

Look, I haven't got 300 quid, not in any form.

Hmm.

Oh. The bracelet and the watch.

Well done, then.

Hands off the table.

I'm going to need that for another 40 years.

You'll be such a great big baby.

Now then, get a plus one.

Hold still.

It's not going to hurt, right? One more bit. Hold on.

There you go.

Now, that wasn't too bad, was it?

Those two geezers will be in the nick by now, eh?

Or a hospital.

That fellow who lent a hand and I've given him a wallet.

Yeah, did he remind you of anybody?

No.

Only you, the lone ranger.

Must be nice, you know.

To know you can turn on someone with a certain knowledge you can knock them

next week.

You know, there are more things in life than that, King.

Those two will be out on bail, you know, tomorrow.

Does that bother you? No.

We'll be long gone.

They'll probably follow us.

You didn't half give that geezer a whack, did you? I thought, how many

I know that can do that?

Well, if you stop the thing that, it's no wonder he hit you.

Oh, God, Ken, look at all that blood on your collar.

Well, you'd better take your shirt off, love, and I'll give it a rinse through.

Well, you'll have to give me a hand undoing me buttons.

You know, for someone who's almost had his head kicked in, you're incredibly,

um... Randy.

Yeah, Randy's the word.

Oh, come on, don't be afraid. Quiet. Can you hear that? What?

Shh. Listen.

Scratching. It's probably rats.

Rats don't scratch, Ken. They run about.

Listen. It's coming from behind there.

It's scratching.

So it is.

Come on, never mind, love.

Immigrants. In the hold.

It's scratching.

I'm going to have a look.

There. It's getting louder.

Come on, don't go, love. I've had enough of this Errol McLavity. Bring the

torch, Ken.

What am I going to say to them?

Who? The immigrants.

Well, I don't know.

Ask them away to Birmingham.

Hello in there.

They've gone quiet.

Do the Japanese migrate.

Eh? Because you'd have to be pretty small to get in one of these.

There's something moving in there.

It might be a python.

Now, what's that, then?

Now, what does it look like?

Tortoise. There must be about 50 of them down there.

This is illegal, you know.

Aren't they supposed to be hibernating?

A bit like us.

It's that ruddy boiler.

They think it's springtime.

Come.

Did you

notice what was in the other boxes?

Yeah, it said electric toasters.

They'll be able to make their own breakfast.

Helpless creatures.

And the Irish get making a profit out of them.

Don't you think it's hot enough in here?

I'm trying to put the fire out.

There's just a chance they may nod off again.

Well, we've breezed today.

Well, if they don't nod off, we've got to water them, feed them, clean them.

We'll just let them go.

Five miles out of Milton Keynes.

Have you seen what motorways do to hedgehogs? And they can run.

Look, love.

When you're through with the fire, do you think we could just... Oh, God!

No, of course not.

He's Irish. I said he was Irish at the start.

Hey. Done.

We're running guns for McLavity.

Oh, don't be a silly girl.

Well, the tortoises go bang.

Well, I don't know. You're the expert.

Oh, God.

Come on. There, there.

I know one thing.

There's not much chance of them nodding off in there, is there?

Mr Crawford.

How very nice to see you again.

Heard from our intrepid duo yet?

I haven't, but there's no news as good news.

And you did look a capable sort of fellow, Mr Boone. Well, I'll put it this

If it makes a cock up, there's always Doreen, my assistant.

And if ever a girl had her head screwed on tight, it was Doreen. Good.

Could we have a word?

Yeah.

Come through to my office.

Right.

Shall we?

The tunny's over the yard, huh?

Why not?

Well, then.

Here's to any way I can be of assistance to you.

Oh, thanks.

What?

Cheers. Cheers.

You know that I'm in the haulage business?

You said.

Right. And as such, I own several warehouses along the main waterway.

Is it just barges you're into?

Good heavens, no.

But an astute question, Harry.

You can tell from one look that I'm into something a great deal more lucrative

than barges.

If you say so, Errol.

The warehouses, well, they are fine for most things that I need to store, but

every once in a while, and quite frequently of late, I've had the honour

transporting rather delicate items.

Delicate, Errol?

Delicate, Harry.

You know, susceptible to the damp.

And, of course, the cold.

Such as paintings, television sets, calculators.

I didn't know that.

Now, I happened to notice the other day that you're not a mean man, Harry.

Try telling my staff that.

Take the heat in here, for instance. It's always comfortable.

Oh, yes.

That being so, I was wondering if... Well, just occasionally, of course.

If you could put a few things up for me, so to speak.

Paying guests in cardboard boxes.

Reminds me they probably need someone to mind them.

Still, I pay you your very top rate, Harry.

What do you say?

Fine by me, Errol.

Providing you can show me a receipt for the goods.

Naturally.

So then, you let me know when you want a robe, and I'll let you know if I've got

one.

Overwhelmed with business, are we?

No.

But we are trying to build up the right kind of clientele.

You know what I mean?

Harry, I play on the side of the law, not against it.

I'm just a fellow trying to make a living like yourself.

Look, it's hard work being honest.

But it's not unheard of.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Well?

Pork wine, love.

Appellation strictly uncontrollable.

What? The corks are popping in the heat.

The tortoises are pissed.

And I shall personally put Harold McLavity through a mangle.

Listen, do you make cocoa?

No. It's funny, I smelt it up on the deck.

Never mind, let's go somewhere.

Well, I'll never get to sleep now.

Really? Oh, God!

Well, I think this is all very romantic.

Wine all over the shop, reptiles crawling about next door.

The answer's no, Ken.

The answer to what?

The answer to the question which goes, how about it then?

No, love, I've gone off the boil.

Yeah, of course you have.

Cheers.

Oh! Oh!

You know this is stealing, don't you?

Well, stick 20p on the stalks, then.

There are 50 of God's creatures in that hole and they all need breakfast.

Yeah, and there's one in here and all.

Well, make one for yourself, then.

You're looking flushed.

Only been spotted, mate, hasn't he?

What? Take a gander.

Well?

What do you mean, well? Do you think I'm responsible?

It says here a man resembling him was seen pointing in a canal pub. That's

as circumstantial as you can get.

Of course, if your boys weren't so keen on fighting, there'd be no problem. So

what are you planning to do? Same as always.

We'll be put up in a nice, quiet little hotel.

No one will be any the wiser.

If they pick him up, Errol, I'll be pinning your shoulders to your earlobes.

You're hitting me.

Give it a rest, Walter, will you?

Your earlobe -pinning days are over.

Allen's ain't.

We all know what a tough, hard man your favorite son is.

But you're panicking unnecessarily.

I want to see him.

In 18 months.

You will.

You will.

Did it occur to you that the first place the police would check out would be

your bungalow?

When they wake up, yeah.

And don't you think it would be an avoiding comparison, shall we say, to be

with me?

Who are you putting him up with?

Never your mind.

But I'll check out that I haven't put two and two together, okay?

Phone me.

Come on, love.

Turn the taps on.

Come on, put your back into it.

The boys are on the burning deck, picking his nose with a pin.

I won't go on, oh, love. There's a lady present.

Imitate the action of a bookie, Ken, and pay up.

Don't you touch her!

I had no intention of it.

Tell me, your friend back at the pub who delivered me of a poke on the jaw, was

he just a midday cowboy or was he a proper chum?

I never knew him.

But I bet you wish he were here now.

You know, I actually believe Ken's story.

McClavity took him for a mug, too.

What do you tell him, pal?

Holy nuts!

All right, I'll do.

Cut all those.

What do you mean?

Oh, do untie before the crowd gathers.

And what if I don't?

We'll blow a hole in the side of your boat.

Oh, come on. What am I going to tell McClapity?

That Mr.

Lang and Mr. Appley have been paid off with interest.

That McClavity.

I won't say I'll kill him because he's old.

I'll nearly kill him.

Yes, well, we'll expect you next Thursday, sir. Thank you.

Oh, a life on the ocean way.

All right, leave it out, Harry.

We have been through 14 locks today.

All of them uphill.

I've got muscles like a bull.

What's that all about?

Why? Because we're starving, that's why.

It'll be all that sea air, mate.

Oh, it's good to see the colour back in them cheeks. Shut up, Harry.

And you're an old cad. Listen, have you any idea what that over -dressed Paddy

was up to?

Oh, how much villainy can one man get up to on a canal?

Well, it may not be important to some. It just depends on your point of view.

Now, come on, Harry. We are starving.

Cheesed off and starving.

There. Get yourself on the outside of that.

That'll blur the edges of any problems you think you've had. We know we've had.

He's here.

Who is?

That Irish fella.

Yeah, then.

Yeah, then.

Congratulations to you both.

Not much as you may be, but obviously you've done a sterling job.

Talking of sterling, what do we say, Cam?

200, wasn't it?

There we go.

150.

Keep it.

Now, what's this, then, Macavity? Hush money?

Hush? Oh, I don't think I'm with you.

What, on account of your dodgy cargo?

Dodgy cargo? What's he talking about, Harry?

Well, he does have what we used to call a grievance.

It's still called a bloody grievance. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

That port must have been laid down two weeks ago, somewhere like Bournemouth.

You could taste the feet that trod the grapes.

Do you know, we've been playing nursemaids to 50 tortoises.

Tortoises? Yeah, on account of whom we had to nick letters from a passing field

because they woke up when we started the boiler. Since when we've been frozen?

And the polliners, did they behave themselves?

We'd been assaulted by two geezers who looked like something out of the Wild

Bunch. Guns pointed at us.

Physically assaulted. But the pony not. The two said geezers with guns made off

with them.

They what?

Yeah. They nicked that barge we were towing, me old son, on account of money

owed them.

And you stood by and let them do it. Oh, come on. Do me a favour. A shotgun

pointed at me here, old.

Works wonders with me, mate.

They didn't, um...

I mean, you didn't see them take the nuts out.

No.

Ken, you must believe me when I say that whoever accosted you en route isn't

known to me. I pay all my debts on the nail in cash. Witness today.

Now, the tortoises have been properly quarantined, and the port was hardly

down in Boomer, but let me add, none of this revolves onto you, Althorne.

It's entirely my responsibility.

Yeah, terrific.

Oh, by the way, where did you leave the Mary Owen?

Samson's Wolf.

Great. Just one question, Errol. Yes?

What was it you wanted me to put up in the hotel?

The port, of course.

It's, what, 50 quid a bottle?

Oh, do me a favour.

Since when were you an expert on port? Since I tasted that muck you're

There you go.

Nice doing business with you all.

So long.

Well...

He was the Pony Nuts.

He was too pleased you didn't know anything about them.

Well, we'll take our Pony Nuts along with the other gear. Get to work.

Pony Nuts?

Who are Pony Nuts?

People with ponies.

I'm not seeing this.

I'm really not.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Quite literally nothing.

Did you keep them papers, honey?

Yeah.

My bingo cards.

Did you check them? Yeah. And you're still poor.

Oh.

Don't you believe me? Yeah, of course I do.

Do you know, there's millions of pounds of unclaimed prizes every week. And if

you're a registered charity, you write up and you can get a share.

Now, the thing is, how do you become a registered charity?

Hey,

look.

We've been shafted. Oh.

What is this?

This, my friend, is a floating safe house.

Well, it's got everything.

Oh, indeed.

One really must hand it to McLavity, for she had cheek.

A safe house?

Who'd use a barge as a safe house?

Precisely the thought that must have crossed McLavity's mind.

If you were a policeman, to think in the abstract absurd...

And you were looking for someone who shouldn't be in the country.

Where would you look?

Everywhere.

Everywhere.

All those fast places.

Airports, heliports, motorways.

You'd never look at the slowest place of all.

A slow boat. The Brum. Perfect.

Well, I don't care what they say about him. He helped me out of a very nasty

spot in that pub.

I wonder who fingered him. He helped you because he needed you. Oh, come on,

Harry, they're not all arrows.

He needed you to tow him, otherwise he'd have left us to rot. I'm not so sure we

were towing him. Come on, Ken, you smell... Roast beef, cocoa.

You tell you he was in the barge behind and just out of interest it was battened

down from inside.

Yeah, it was and all.

Once we got him here, though, what was supposed to happen then?

He was going to bang him up in my hotel.

Eh? Yeah.

How much villainy can one man get up to on a canal?

Now, listen, Ken.

That Prendergast was and is a nasty soldier.

Stay clear, eh, love?

At least you got paid.

Yeah, must be almost a first.

Well, definitely a first on this job.

Oh, come on, let's have some more drinks. Oh, the old palate.

And then you and me, Doreen, we are going to do the town. Oh, that'll take

least ten minutes.

Hey, I'm sorry, love, I can't. I've got to pander to man's baser instincts.

He won't.

Casino. I've had three nights off already.

Oh, terrific.

What about mine?

Your what? Base for instincts.

Oh, poor old Ken.

Hey, do you two have to have a scene like that in front of me?

No, you're too ugly, mate.

Poor old Harry.

Oh, listen, I've got to go.

Bye, Harry.

See you later, Ken. And thanks for the trip.

Yeah, any time.

See you.

Life goes on, eh, Ken?

Oh, yes, Harry.

On and on.

Afternoon, lads. Had a good trip?

Hello, Errol.

Where's my barge? The one with the pony nuts in it.

Where?

It's drifting down the canal at a most dangerous angle.

Soon be a hazard to traffic.

Let's settle up first, shall we? I haven't got the time. If someone starts

poking around that barge, I'll be out of business. We've poked around already.

He's flown.

Without paying me.

Dear, oh, dear.

So how can I pay you?

Archie, go and drive Errol's car into the nearest wall.

There's a good chap.

Won't be me you're hurting, Archie. It's on the drip.

McClavity.

Alan.

Hello, my friend. How are you?

What's with all the friend, Errol?

Ah.

You're looking for a reason not to pay me. Shut up.

You're trying to get four eyes to give me a spanking, are you, sunshine?

There are three of us. Yeah, I know.

And when you're all agreed on how best to take me, then I'll start to worry.

How's the, uh, the faith?

Sure.

But how sweet of you to ask.

There is a slight question of my fee.

What for?

I spend a week being towed up a canal.

Then I have to save the driver from getting his head broken off.

Then somebody fingers me in a pub. The picture gets in the paper the next

morning. Then I'm cut adrift at the bottom of some lock and handed over to

two. Is that the peace and quiet we were talking about, Errol?

It's those two.

What are those like?

I've never driven one before.

Why do you ask?

Because I'm borrowing.

Yeah, bloody not.

It's a bit short on petrol, Alan.

Hey, flack and decker.

Come here.

You never saw me, and you don't know anybody that did ever see me, right?

Where can I pick up my car, Alan?

We've all got a living to make, fella.

And it ain't easy.

Especially when you're dead.

What was the name of that superstar towing me up from Hemel?

Name of Boone.

Ken Boone.

Don't tell me.

It was a pub in Northampton.

What's your point in that at me for?

Because if I don't, Ken, when I pull the trigger, I shall miss.

Well, hi, I'm Ken Boone. I know.

And you actually live here?

Yeah, why?

Much company.

Well, there's a goat, a few geese, a pig.

Human company.

Well, that depends if you're going to shoot me or not, doesn't it?

If you are, yeah, I get plenty of visitors.

If you're not... It's as quiet as a grave.

Well, not quite.

I've only got one question.

Yeah, and the answer is yes. I never knew you were there. Honestly, I thought

you were pony nuts.

You always answer questions before they've been asked. I know you cut me

in the lock, Ken, but did you tell the old Bill you saw me in that pub?

No.

I want to hear you say that again, Ken.

They turned up, didn't they?

And they didn't come to sort out some two -bit bar brawl.

Perhaps you twigged me earlier in the day, gave him a shout from that pub.

Listen, honestly, I never knew you were there.

You smelled my roast beef dinner. I heard you tell the lady.

Yeah, well, why would I let on, then, if I knew you were there, eh?

I didn't know.

Depends if you were clever or not, doesn't it, eh?

And if you didn't, who did?

Well, maybe the governor in the pub.

Not you, trying to be a good citizen.

No, I was busy getting my head kicked in, wasn't I? Fighting.

Fighting badly.

If you throw a punch, Ken, however small, it's right from your arse, right?

Yeah, all right, all right.

Have a seat, pal.

Your lady, she was having a go in the pub, wasn't she?

I like that.

But you do keep bad company.

Errol McLavity.

Yeah, so I'm learning.

He told me your name, you know.

I wouldn't stand for that myself.

Which I suppose is why I have to live like a rabbit on trips home.

On account of what?

On account of various bits of appropriation I've gone in for, you

over to Marseilles sometime. Look me up.

Yeah, thanks, Tom. Not much of a traveller.

Suit yourself.

Why did you come back?

See the old man?

He lives in Henley and Arden.

He don't fit in there, of course, but, er, well, he don't know that, does he?

Yeah, why come back on a barge, for God's sake?

Take a word from the wise old son.

If you like England, don't step out of line.

Week on the canals.

Brings it all back to me, I suppose. Holidays.

Holidays with the old man and the old lady, God rest her soul.

Holidays, Ken.

Most people go to the south of France. I go to Birmingham.

Because I miss it.

Seems worth the risk somehow.

Ken.

You really have disappointed me.

What do you mean, disappointed?

I didn't know you were here, did I?

Maybe not.

Who, then?

Well, it's probably George, with another goat.

George, eh?

Yeah, just a friend.

Friend, eh?

Yeah, I'm fine.

What are you doing out here?

I'm not sure.

Maybe it was a mistake.

Look, if you want me to go out... No.

It's nothing. I'm on my own. It's just me and a goat.

Goat's a bit strong, isn't it, Ken?

I was just dropping by to have a little word with an old friend. Isn't that

right? Yeah, he just called by to say cheerio.

Cheerio it is.

You know, as the human race goes, Ken, you're not bad.

Not bad at all.

If you want my opinion, love, he won't need beating into submission where

concerned.

Be lucky.

He's dead right, of course.

But what about the casino tonight?

No more.

I'm a free woman.

Is that right?

Why this?

Pleasant surprise?

I don't know.

Faith or instincts?

That's more like it.

Welcome to the Ponderosa.

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