Original subtitles

Sometimes I sit here feeling alone

No one to talk to, I got no telephone

for me, do you know, Nick?

No, no.

Not an extra sack full?

I'm having to fix this.

Right.

I suppose you've heard.

What? Oh, it's an in -out thing. Tells you who's in, who's out.

Heard what, Nick?

I only heard because I eavesdropped.

They don't like eavesdropping. That's the only way I get to know anything.

We're on the list.

Nick, imagine I'm a Martian.

Why? Don't worry why. Just imagine, I'm a Martian, and you've got to explain

everything very, very clearly.

How to start with. What list?

Well, as I said, we're on the list.

So this is the joke.

They are interviewing for an under -manager.

Not an under -nig. An under -manager.

One choppy end with one, another waiting in the dining room.

This is working, anyway.

And that's how you'd talk to a Martian, is it?

He'd probably just walk in and say, Ah, just like home. Have you got a room?

To tell you the truth, Ken, I'm leaving.

Hello,

Ken. Hi, Harry.

Well, thank you, Mr Blakey. Hope to get back to you later today.

I hope so.

Oh, this is Mr Boone, by the way.

Ken, Mr Blakey. Hello. And how are you?

I'm very well, thanks.

So. Nice to have met you.

And you, of course, Mrs Evans.

I'll be in touch.

Thank you.

Hello.

Well, I suppose we'll have to see the other lad.

And what does that mean?

Did you get him a cup or something?

No. I did ask you. I can't do anything.

We appreciate that, Nick. That's why we're having the interviews.

This is working.

In, out.

Get Ethel to make us all a cup and call in Mr... Curther?

Yeah.

Well, which?

Pardon? Which?

Call Ethel or the chappy?

Both.

Both.

Both.

What was all that about?

Both. Pardon?

Oh, he's impossible, Nick.

Hey, we're on the list. Oh, congratulations.

Brilliant, I must tell you.

Any letters for me?

No. Oh, yes, sir. You're a face at Hadley Fates.

What? Well, they wanted somebody for a sponge talk. It's only for one

Now, what do you mean, a sponge talk?

Wet sponge throwing. And I might have something for you.

Excuse me?

Ah, sorry to keep you waiting. No problem.

This is Mr Boone. Hello.

And you've met Mrs Evans? Yeah.

Well, shall we go in?

Are you going to wait, Ken? There'll only be a few minutes.

Yeah, sure.

We'll be half an hour.

Come on in, Mr Corsair.

Thank you.

The lady who phoned assured me it would be warm water. Oh, that makes all the

difference. Tea up.

You two take yours in, Doreen, and I'll catch you up.

Thank you, Nick. I haven't put milk in yours, or sugar.

Just milk, thanks.

It is Indian.

Oh, thank you.

Tea bags, of course.

Yes, this list, I must tell you.

A minute.

I heard from the council on Wednesday it's going to make all the difference.

I mean, you can get a dozen people for a fortnight, a month, and they pay top

work, mate. It's smashing.

So we've got to be thinking of an increase of 25%, 30%, which means

Ken, which means two stars over this hotel within a year.

It's got to be.

Great. Oh, it's all going to be great.

Listen, he said something about a job for me.

Yes. Just let me see this, Chapley. I mean, just a formality.

It's Blakey.

Just gone out.

Been head porter at the Waldorf in his time.

Really? I can imagine.

You know, sometimes I feel like a man trying to fly.

Looking down and seeing everybody, every bugger hanging onto my legs.

Blame the fire service training, Harry.

See a man about to jump from a high window, grab his legs.

Before you ask, I haven't looked at the ceiling in a number of names. Guest in

bed. Harry. Hmm? We've nearly finished our tea. Coming.

I'm serious about leaving.

I'm serious about the Ponderosa, Nick.

But we're both still here.

I fancy sticking my name up and sliding it from in to out.

No, it's a question of setting experience against paper qualifications.

Right. I'm not going to argue, Doreen. I mean, don't tell me. I mean, that's why

I missed promotion. You know that, don't you?

Some bugger had O -level fire engines. And it's got nothing to do with him

black. Asian. I'm not going to argue.

Fine.

So when are you going to ask Lionel to start?

Tomorrow.

I don't know.

Tomorrow.

I like the other laddie, as it happens, Doreen. Oh, good -o.

Listen, I'm off. Give us a call, won't you? No, come in, Ken.

Doreen's telling me off.

Your conscience, love, not me.

I'll see you next leaving.

No chance.

Well, that's what I said. He's got his coat on, though. Ken, what can I do?

One day she accuses me of being too hard and the next day I'm too soft. That's

because one day you're too hard and the next day you're too soft.

Tell Ken how many unpaid bills you've got. Don't exaggerate. It's the grand

slate, this place.

Never, never takes on a new meaning. Anyway.

Or does it?

I suppose that's what it's always meant.

Well, it's true.

I mean, some guests haven't settled their accounts and that's why I was

wondering if Ken might be able to help.

Elbury? How?

Well, I mean, obviously we're writing letters, but some of the personal bills,

just wondered if you might... You mean debt collecting, don't you? Well, that's

a box 13.

No.

Told you.

Well, the thing is, Ken... I'm not being a debt collector, and that's that.

I'd rather have sponges thrown at me.

When I was a kid, we had our piano repossessed. It wasn't very nice.

Played a very odd tune all the way down the stairs.

I think what Harry had in mind was a knock at the door and a little

encouragement to pay the bill. And that's what they did over my caravan.

There's not much on at the moment, mate. So I gather, fair enough, I'll just go

back to my place and nurture my seedlings. What about this one, Ken? Mr

He's run behind a little bit. He's a regular. And that's on your way home?

No, Doreen. The answer is no.

Mr. Lucy!

Mr. Lucy!

Hello!

Oh, I'm sorry. It's your outfit. I thought... I was looking for your

he about?

No.

Oh.

Can I help?

Well, actually, it's a business matter.

No, well, I'm sorry, but you see, my husband's died.

Oh, I didn't know.

Well, don't apologise, please.

Well, I'm sorry.

Yes, so might I be able to help?

No, let's... we'll leave it.

It doesn't matter, really.

I'll tell you what I could do. I could give you a hand moving that burner.

Bit tight to those borders, isn't it? You don't want them catching.

Did you know my husband?

No, I'm afraid not.

He was 47.

That's not very fair, is it?

No.

The reason I'm nervous about the burner is that...

We used to get called out to fires every week this time of year.

Everything's so dry, it's like tinder.

I used to be a fireman.

My name's Ken Boone.

You only need to move it a couple of feet, you know.

Well, I'll have to go up through the house to let you in.

Oh, it's all right, no problem.

Up and over.

Well,

I'll go round.

It's a nice kitchen.

I like it.

Nice cup of tea and all.

I get birds coming up to the window.

And a squirrel.

My husband would have shot him, but I like the colour of his tail.

I think it's worth the mischief he does to see him skip up and steal a nut off

the hill.

Well, if we all got shot for mischief, where would we be?

Thank you for moving the burner. If I'd let you go off, I don't know what I

would have done.

Are your neighbours helping?

I don't need looking after.

No. I don't want people fussing over me.

Well, what do you think you'll do?

Move eventually?

No, I can't.

I couldn't leave the garden. Don't put his whole life into it. It would be an

insult.

Quite a lot to manage, I would have thought. Besides, he's there now.

His ashes.

They're on the garden. I put them on the garden.

It's what he would have wanted.

Right.

Well, do you have any children?

Yes, I have a daughter. She's in Australia.

But she's pregnant, so she's stuck there and I'm stuck here.

Never mind.

Quite a long walk.

That's all right.

So, you're from Don's firm, then?

No, nothing like that.

Oh, I'm not sensitive to it. I've been expecting somebody to collect the car

there are pieces of equipment.

No, really. What I came about isn't important anymore.

I must go now.

Thanks for the tea. Oh, no, thank you.

If you don't mind me saying so, I'm sure your husband wouldn't want you to have

lumbered you with such a big house and garden.

I'm sure he was more fond of you than he was of the vegetables. Could I just ask

you one thing? Just the check.

Yes, of course.

Well, say you have bills and they're sort of paid automatically through a

account. Yeah.

Well, do they just go on?

Or say I'm using less electricity by myself, well, how do they know to charge

less? Well, have you talked to the bank? Have they come and changed the

accounts?

No, I see. Oh, that's fine. That's what I wanted to know.

Well, I haven't said anything yet. No, I'll ring them.

Standing orders, that's what they're called, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's a lot to sort out.

Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't I come up here tomorrow, swap a few hours'

weed in for some of your vegetables?

I'm out tomorrow.

Thursday? Well, if you're busy, you can always send me away.

OK. OK? Oh, I think I have something on Thursday.

Well, I'll turn up, and if you have, you can send me away.

Goodbye.

Can I have a word, Mr Crawford?

Yeah, fire away.

Can I be blunt?

Bluntish. Staff -guest ratio.

Yeah. Doesn't make a lot of sense.

I'm being stupid, of course.

Let me talk us through a situation.

It's dinner in the dining room.

Ethel is cooking, I'm on reception, and you are serving, which I'll come to.

The telephone rings.

The guests want the drink.

Someone is checking in.

Who does these things?

Well, we all rally round. Lionel, I think, is the answer.

That's how we've managed in the past.

Are we running a hotel, Mr Crawford, or are we running amok?

What? Well, Ethel has just asked me to look at the sink in the kitchen.

Oh, it's not blocked again, is it?

I explained that I was not a plumber. I was an under -manager.

Well, mate, the manager's plumbed in this place, so I don't see why the under

-manager shouldn't plumb as well.

Gladly. As I said, I am willing to turn my hand.

It's just that... Well, let me tell you. I mean, you have engaged me at least

partly from my experience, yes? Yeah.

Well, in my experience, for a hotel to work, it needs to be properly staffed.

How many guests have we got in at the moment?

Six. Well, five staff to six guests.

That's a pretty luxurious staff -guest ratio, wouldn't you think so, Lionel?

Now then, a good afternoon. Hello. No, Nick, only reception's unmanned. No,

don't you start.

Yes, excuse me.

No, thank you, Lionel.

You've just missed a treat, Ken.

We have had CSE in hotel management.

No, he was only tied to... I'm sorry, Harry, but the man is a bit of a worm.

He speaks very highly of you.

And he's driven Nick away.

No, that's not true.

Nick was going anyway. I mean, you told us that. No, he said he was going. He

wasn't actually going.

Well, you wanted rid of him.

No, I didn't. Well, where's he gone?

Oh, I don't know.

He didn't want Lionel on reception and there was a clash.

Oh, poor sod.

I don't believe this.

I mean, Nick was 108. He was hopeless.

I mean, come on.

All right, all right. I can see you're busy. I'll come back later.

Oh, there was a call. Yeah? A department store. They want somebody to cover

themselves in oil to demonstrate a new hand cleaner. I don't understand this

feeling towards Lionel. You know, I'm lucky to get somebody with this

Fine.

Stick him in Crofts.

How is Mr Lucy?

Oh, dead.

You're joking.

No.

Was he really dead?

He's very dead.

Ooh, bang goes the bill, Harry.

Of course, sod.

He was only young.

47.

I'm 47.

He had a nice girlfriend.

Wife. No, I don't think she was. No, she wasn't. Why do you say that?

Female intuition.

And she wasn't called Mrs. Lewis. Oh, come on, I've just met his wife.

Oh, wife and all, eh?

Eh, did she cough up?

Harry, leave it. I didn't ask.

Anyway, it solves my problem, doesn't it? What? Well... Why do geese are

in a Birmingham hotel when he only lives 20 miles down the road?

Oh, no, that's true. You know, it never occurred to me that.

Well, it'll occur to her, won't it, when she sees that bill? It's for a double

room. Oh, probably.

Oh, but she'd have seen the bill anyway.

And I've sent her a reminder.

Not the best way to find out your old man's got a mistress, is it?

Oh, the best time.

Hey, he was always on about his garden, Don.

What's he like, smashing?

No, egg smashing.

I'll see you.

It's not my business, but isn't this keeping you from your work?

Yes, it is as it happens.

I could be covered in oil from head to foot at this very moment.

I'm not exactly sure what it is you do. Industrial, obviously.

Sort of freelance gopher.

I don't think I know you to... Well, yeah, I go for this and I go for that.

I see.

I have dreams, of course.

But I wheeze in them.

You do a good line in looking after.

Lots of practice.

We had a deal. He grew the vegetables and I cooked them.

You didn't work?

No.

I was a dental receptionist once, but Don didn't... No, not for years.

What about now?

I can't tame this place.

I don't know.

Well, anyway, I'm sure you're hungry.

Oh, look, there's my squirrel. Where?

Oh, yeah.

No one's come to collect it yet, then?

No. Is the battery all right? Are you starting it up at all?

I can't drive.

Well, I'll have a look at it for you if you like.

Hey, you should drive.

I got one of those provisional things years ago, but Don said I would clear

empire.

You want to get yourself a nice little motor, and you'll be in business.

Mr Brown?

Call me Ken.

I don't know what to do about paying you.

Don't be daft. I'll just nick some of your vegetables.

No, no, I'd like to pay you properly, but...

The thing is, my finances are in a bit of a muddle. I told you, I don't need

paying.

I could come up to lunch every day.

That garden, it's just amazing. I don't know how your husband managed it.

Oh, Don could garden in the dark.

He did garden in the dark.

Was that good?

Shall I make a cup of something?

Yeah.

You know, I love the feeling of my hands in warm water.

Makes me feel I ought to do the washing up more often.

The thing is, I'm in a bit of a mess.

Oh, Stephanie, I've done all my crying. I've done all that. I've done all my

crying. I just want the garden dug.

Hey, why are you in a mess?

Well, the thing is, I had some bits of money, but I've spent it.

It's an expense to do people dying.

Surely your husband had money, didn't he? Insurance?

I don't know.

Nor do I.

Has anyone been in touch?

Banks? Solicitors?

Yes. And?

Well, you see, Don did all that.

All what? All that stuff.

It was his way.

What have you done with the letters?

I'll show you.

Come through.

Oh, I see what you mean.

You said you'd written to Dawn. It'll be in there.

Have you opened any of these?

No, I haven't. You sort of leave them and suddenly they're out of hand.

And the telephone has been cut off and... Well, it was just... Type

see. Don dealt with those.

I wouldn't know. I don't know what bank he used or whether there's a building

society or savings or a mortgage or... There are so many things I don't know

about. I don't know what I should be worrying about, even.

Well, I'm in a pickle, aren't I? Well, I just don't know anything.

Hello. We met before, didn't we? Yeah, that's right.

Well done, you.

Thank you.

Good morning.

Hello, stranger.

Harry. You met Hanif, then? Oh, yeah, we're old pals.

Hanif's our new Nick.

Great, yes. I'd like you to continue with the inventory, if you don't mind.

the bath, Doctor? No, I shall take responsibility for the bath, thank you.

OK, fine.

Come through.

See you later, Lionel. Right you are.

Hanif.

Come on, come on.

What's the problem?

What was that chappy boon saying?

Nothing, just being friendly.

Oh, how nice.

What did you want?

It's more what I don't want.

What don't you want?

You contradicting me in public.

And when I come into reception, you move.

Am I clear?

Perfectly, Mr Blakey.

I got the afternoon off. Good, eh?

Not because of Lionel. He just said he thought I ought to get some fresh air.

Are they pleased with him, are you? Oh, the man's a bloody marvel, Ken. You

know, for the first time today, I can look around me and think, here's the

to get us out of this division.

What about Annie? Is he happy?

Well, it's a job, Ken.

And they're hard to come by, as you well know.

Yeah, especially with a college education.

That's right.

I'm sorry there hasn't been much for you lately, mate.

Well, been sponges.

Yeah, it's just a lull, I expect.

Yeah, I'm a bit pushed at the moment, I must say.

Oh, well.

Listen, I've got a little suggestion to make for your afternoon off.

Come on, I'm going to pick Doreen up. Where are we going?

You'll find out.

Yeah, well, we can't be long if Doreen's going, because it's her night off from

the casino and she said she'd serve up for me.

Harry. What?

Hey, do you know that, Ken? What?

500 onions.

Yeah. Did you tell him how many collies, Meg?

I don't remember.

One or 200.

Incredible.

Not this year, though.

Oh, this could be rescued.

Oh, no question.

Hi, Ken. Yeah.

Quite possible.

Yes, of course it is.

Oh, marvellous.

Oh, smell that air, Doreen.

Amazing.

I'll tell you something else.

I'll be very interested in being a customer for some of those registables.

Thank you.

But there's still the problem of growing them.

Well, I'm already thinking about that. I mean, either way.

I mean, Ken and me can clear it a bit this afternoon.

Eh, Ken?

Oh, well, if you two boys want to stay out here and have some fun, Mrs Lucy and

I will go in and sort through some of those papers.

Fair enough.

But we'll need watering from time to time.

Well, there you go.

Close your eyes and point that towards the ground. And if you're very good, you

might find yourself in the kitchen.

I'll bring you something.

I think it's going to rain.

You'd better fix up with some wellies, Mr Crawford.

Oh, Harry, please.

Harry.

Well, there's a reconnection fee on the telephone.

Extortionate. And half a dozen angry debtors, garage, newspapers.

Nothing really, dear.

Don't worry. We'll get those dealt with today.

Won't take long.

Right. You know, your husband was a very canny man. He made provision.

The mortgage is cleared, the car's yours, there's a very healthy bank

with insurance money to come and quite a few bob in the building society.

You know, to be perfectly frank, I envy you.

Do you mean I'm not in debt?

Hardly, love.

Well, I can't believe it.

Well, I can't believe you sat here and just... How long is it? I know, it's

just... I know, but... Just anything typed, donned out, that was the system.

Even stuff addressed you?

Well, that's how it worked out over the years.

Well, excuse me, Meg, but I think it was a terrible system.

Oh, I don't know what makes you... Well, I mean, he's left you helpless and

frightened of the world, hasn't he? You're talking about my husband. Yes, I

know. I'm sorry.

I know. I'm not getting it. It's just, well, we're all at it, aren't we? In one

way or another, we're all agreeing to be...

Dormats. Oh, I'm sorry.

I shoot my mouth off.

He could be very kind.

I'm talking about myself, I expect.

Pay no attention.

No, no, it's... Are you in love with Ken, then?

No. No!

Now, listen, Mrs Lucy. I'm going to show you how to organise all your bills.

And how to claim your money. And given half a chance, I'll help you spend it.

Well, shall I go and make a cup of tea first? Oh, yes, lovely. Oh, no, no.

Sit down.

I'm going to sort these bills out first, and then I'll make the tea.

You know, old Don must have worked his balls off.

Yeah, I reckon.

Well, I mean, not entirely, given the circumstances at the Grand.

Oh, don't bring that up again, Harry.

Oh, no, no, of course not.

No, forgotten about it.

No, no.

No, but this is a fine, Ken.

I mean, get this ground back into order and we're well set up for fresh bed. And

who's going to get it back into order?

Oh, well, I'll do a bit.

Only with Lionel installed, I can have a regular day off.

I was thinking about Nick.

A bit of Owen, keep him active.

Just a wee bit.

I'll tell you something else.

It's a very handsome woman.

Harry, is this your heart speaking?

Oh, it's definitely from that region.

I thought you had that in cold storage.

Not cold storage, mate.

Just shriveled up in the day, go son.

Well, well.

You're quite a keen gardener, are you, Harry?

Oh, I love a nice garden, me.

What, are you just miming at the moment?

Just warming up, son. Warming up.

You'd beat me to it. Yeah.

We'll have to be going soon, you know, Harry.

Sorry to spoil the fun.

Oh, no, I'd retired anyway.

Um, how's Mrs... Yeah, yeah, she's all right.

Nice lady.

Oh, yes.

And very solvent, I'm glad to say.

So I'll be able to ask her for the check for the hotel bill without feeling

guilty. No, don't do that, Doreen.

No, no point.

No, we'll ask her for an extra par snipple too, eh?

Where is she?

In the dining room.

Through there.

I was thinking, how about asking her to join us and Ken for a meal later?

I thought you wanted me to serve tonight.

Well, yes. I mean, no. I mean, after.

I think it would be rather, you know, a quiet drop of wine, bring her out of

herself.

Well, lovely.

Shall I take that tea in? Ask her.

Yeah, right.

Is it a biscuit?

Your soft candle.

What? Look at you.

I thought the idea of Box 13 was that you were going to find all these

jobs that were going to pay for sorting out the Ponderosa, which needs digging

and clearing and what have you. Yep, so did I.

So, what are you doing?

Well, I'm digging and clearing somewhere else, but I'm not getting paid for it.

Exactly, you soft... Here.

Ah.

You look nice outside.

I thought you were allergic to fresh air. I am.

I'm going now.

No. Harry's anxious about laying up for tonight.

Thanks this afternoon.

Don't thank me. I shot my mouth off.

Who, Meg?

Yeah. I hate men. It's a problem I have.

Well, as a matter of principle.

That's right.

The thing is, Ken, there's a lady in there struggling to come out from under

lot of...

Oh, I don't know.

A lot of letters.

Yeah, a lot of letters, and a lot of I don't know.

So I've been shooting me mouth off.

Anyway, are you coming?

Well, I'd rather finish here. All right. Well, don't be too long, because we're

all having dinner tonight.

Meg, Harry, you and me.

What do you mean, Harry? Oh, yes.

And we're going to play Gooseberry.

See you.

Doreen? Yeah?

Nothing.

What am I supposed to cook for them?

You can't get blood out of a stone.

I don't know, Ethel.

I'll help.

We'll improvise something.

Magic something, you mean?

Improvise? What's the problem?

Hello, Doris. They haven't arrived, have they? Who?

I think we'll just do a soupful tonight with a roll or something.

That's all I probably want anyway.

We haven't got two dozen rolls.

Well, soup and roll without the roll.

Oh, perhaps we have, actually.

Listen, Doreen. Social services, Jessica. There's been a fire by

big tower block.

We're getting evacuees.

Well, Lionel never said anything.

I don't think Lionel's too excited about it. Have you heard, Doreen? Yeah.

See what I mean about that list?

Smashing. Magic.

Magic? Oh, just what we need, Harry.

Twenty -four suppers, please.

Oh, now, come on, Ethel.

Well, let's do a big soup or something hot.

It's all they want, probably, anyway.

I'm going to set up.

Well, I think we've got enough here, Doreen. Oh, I reckon so.

Well, there's more of them.

Hiya. My wife and I.

Yes, sir.

I have prepared all the registration forms.

Smushy.

Um, have I said I like that dress?

Yeah, but thank you.

It's great. You're just looking in.

I'm enjoying myself.

Good, good. Hey, now, listen. I owe you two meals.

Oh, do be daft. Oh, yes, yes. One for tonight and one for helping out.

Oh, thanks, Harry.

Oh, Lauren. Can I?

It's just that I'm slightly worried about this one, Mr Crawford.

Worried? I mean, why?

What about?

Well, it's just that I understand from the officer concern that we are talking

about coloureds. Yeah?

It's a coloured group that we'll be... Well, is that what he said? I mean, why?

Is that going to be a problem?

No.

Not necessarily.

No, it's just, um... It's the profile of the hotel, Mr Crawford. I mean, if

you're a white guest, then you... No, I... the last person to be prejudiced.

not thinking of myself.

It's just that, well, let me talk us through a situation.

You arrive.

You're a tired businessman and you're checked in by an Indian chappy.

You go for a drink and there's more if I'm in the bar and in the bathrooms and

what have you.

Would you get my point?

It's a commercial anxiety.

It's just a profile.

Well, yes, but I don't necessarily think that... Oh, no.

No, I was just saying it's probably an unnecessary worry.

No, no.

No, take your point, Lionel.

No, thank you.

I'll have a think.

Well, I've got to sleep, honey.

Have they come, Mr Crawford?

Yeah.

Come in, Pop. Come in.

Excuse me

I'm terribly sorry, but I'm busy.

I can't understand a word you are saying.

What? What?

Oh, thank you, Mr Reynolds.

I'm sorry about all this.

Have a nice day.

Look, you'll have to go away. Clear the area.

I can't help you.

Is there a problem, Mr Blakey?

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't understand a word.

Well, actually, we don't come from the same country, but never mind.

Right. Where are you from, then?

Birmingham. Originally.

Birmingham.

You think you're a clever sod, don't you?

No, I don't.

What's the problem? Can I help you?

That telephone out of order.

We want to make a phone to the council.

Mr Blakey, Mrs Evans says that they can use this phone while the payphone's out

of order.

I don't care what Mrs Evans said.

Or she'd be promoted without my knowing.

Look, I'm sorry, but the payphone isn't working. Can I show you where there is a

public box? It's not too far.

Well, yes, there'll be fun from here. Let me walk you down to the phone box.

Come on.

Come on, little. It's not trouble.

Hello,

honey. Are you off? No, I'm just walking these guests down to the call box.

Don't do that.

Isn't our payphone fixed? Not yet.

Well, you can use the phone on reception.

Excuse me, darling.

Hello, Lionel.

I was just saying to honey that I was sure you'd let the guests use our phone.

I expect they want to get social services. I can understand what they

rabbiting on about.

I think it's pretty clear even if their English isn't great.

In my view, they're cluttering up reception.

Oh, come on, lad.

Right.

Sorry.

Sorry to have butted in, honey. I thought we were running a hotel, not a

camp. That is my point entirely.

Excuse me. The telephone.

Good afternoon. A grand hotel?

Yes. Right,

pass us that spanner.

Now, Doreen, the adjustable...

Sorry. Where's our niece?

It's his day off.

Oh. Hey, that poor lad's had one day off since he started.

Unlike some I could mention not a million miles away from Westpac.

I'm sorry, but I came back yesterday with vegetables I'd cropped with my own

hands. Oh, aye.

I've no idea why this isn't working.

Why don't you get Lionel to give you a hand?

Does Lionel look like a plumber?

No. I don't want to hear any more complaints about Lionel. I don't like

Well, he's gone too far this time, Harry.

He asked me to type and... Doreen, we're full to overflowing and it's bound to

stretch our patience.

Things will stop working. Tempers will get hot.

What if he's a racist?

You're obsessed with it.

Besides, here, hang on to these bits.

His personal beliefs have got nothing to do with his ability to manage the

hotel. Well, I think they have, actually.

Look at this.

Must be the Asian.

Well, that was Lionel's theory.

Oh, I don't like him at all.

You know, there have been times during the past few days when I thought I'd be

better off without this place.

I could be happier in that garden.

No hassles.

Right, let's have them back, them bits.

Well, all I can say is...

These past few days, there have been plenty of Hathels here, and it hasn't

you fielding them, or Lionel, for that matter. It's been me, and it's been

Ethel, and it's been Hanif. That's right, love.

She's right, you know.

Thank you, Ethel.

Right.

When I say turn up...

Any luck, Mr Crawford?

Yes, it's all fixed.

Really? Well done, you.

Yes, well... Oh, incidentally, Lionel, any joy with that bar stock taking?

What? I'm just interested to see how up we are with the refugees.

Yes, well, I wasn't going to mention this one, Mr Crawford, but perhaps it

to wait until the party in question is present.

But this is Hanif.

What is Hanif?

You ask him to do something and...

I thought Mr Crawford had asked you to do something.

Yes?

Well, I'll take responsibility if you like.

Well, I mean, if you've got the time, I would be grateful. You see, I mean, I

had hoped to delegate a few things, but he's so thick with the social service

clients.

I'm afraid I do get irritated.

Mind you, I thought I heard you say you'd be keen to supervise the bar stock

yourself.

No, I don't think you'd have heard me say that.

Well, I'm sure I did, but...

No matter? No, I think I'd remember if I'd said that. I'm not senile.

I wasn't suggesting for a minute... Well, I would like to feel some

appreciation, given the fact that I'm practically running the place half the

time. Oh?

I'm sorry, I'm just...

I have to say that I do not approve of this welfare trade that we are taking

Oh, is that so?

Yes, well, there's a lot of behind -the -scenes work that you're not party to,

Mr Crawford, which, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't dream of

you with. But seeing as how my professionalism has been called into

and I might say that in all my years in this business... Now, hang about,

Lionel. Hang about. Calm down.

Calm down.

I mean, I could complain about Mrs Evans if fingers are being pointed all of a

sudden. Oh, yes, do. Let's hear this complaint.

No, I'd just like the bar stopped taking done.

No, I'd like to hear what it is I'm supposed to have done.

I ask you to type a simple memo. Ah, good.

Listen to this. This is what I was trying to tell you about.

24 hours ago.

Proper establishment. I'll let it back in 20 minutes. You should read this

thing, Harry. It's appalling.

It's a warning to the Asian families.

No. What do you mean, a memo?

Go on. Tell him.

When you have got these people using our hand towels as nappies, or cooking up

their brews in the rooms, then I think a civil reminder is perfectly in order.

Well, I'm not sure you ought to take it on yourself.

Apart from anything else, that woman asked you if she could use the towel,

it was an emergency.

Somebody has got to wipe their face with that towel.

Now, I'm not prepared to risk that. You may be. Oh, for God's sake. I'm sorry,

but this is a resigning issue. Oh, don't be daft. Now, I can't work in the same

building as some left -wing... Let's all settle down. Let's all settle down.

Come on, calm down.

There's been a little misunderstanding about a bar stock take, and that's all.

Come on, we're all busy, we're all tired. Now, come on, let's calm down.

I'll write a little note about hotel regulations, all right?

All right?

Nobody needs to resign.

I'll get Ethel to make us all a nice pot of tea and you two can apologise to

each other.

I have to tell you, Lionel, I think you're a complete shit.

And I have to tell you that I have no intention of resigning. You will be out

here long before me.

I'd put money on it, love.

Hello, Ken.

Hello. How do you see her?

Eddie?

When's that?

Oh, what happened was, when he drove me home in Don's car that night after the

evacuee turned up, well, then, of course, he had to drive home in it.

Well, I'm happy to see it being used. Oh, so that's all right, then.

He's hooked on the garden. It's marvellous.

Great. So, are you ready?

For what?

Driving lesson.

Oh, do you know how complete... Oh, no matter.

Oh, no, no, I want to drive, Ken.

Oh, good. I want to be mobile.

Oh, that's a good start.

I thought you might say you were too busy cooking.

Are you being a monkey?

I don't know. Am I?

Oh, it's back on again. Yeah.

Well, I'll wander down the garden.

Do that. It's down there.

I see you've found your vocation, Harry.

You know, I think I'm getting hooked.

So Meg was saying.

Yeah, can't wait to get out here.

Oh, the hotel's a real spite at the moment, Ken.

It's not nice.

Is that right?

I don't know why, Ken, what it is.

It's the business, I think. We're so busy.

Right. It's the team, do you follow?

I feel I've got good players, but not a great team.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't know.

Then I can get out here and I can breathe.

It's fantastic.

And Meg.

I'll tell you, mate.

I can understand his obsession with the garden.

Don, I mean. But why he wanted another woman, I can't see it.

She's a diamond.

Oh, yes.

So, to what do we owe this visitation?

Driving lesson.

Oh, no, don't bother about that, mate.

No, I'll look after that.

What, you've come out here for that?

No, I've told her I'll take care of all that.

Yeah, okay.

You've been down the ground?

No, I haven't yet.

Oh, well, you should.

Pick up your mail.

Bound to be so tempting.

Yeah, I'll pop in later on.

It's a challenging, smashing challenge.

Is that right?

I'll get down that hotel, mate.

That's where you want to be.

Collected your mail.

It's a bloody joke, isn't it?

What is?

You and gardens.

What do you mean?

Well, there you are, digging up a field, telling me to go back to the hotel.

Got a monopoly on fields, are we, Kenny?

No.

Oh, come on, mate.

You're doing a great job.

I'll see you.

Hey, where's the saucer for the squirrel?

Oh, Harry says I shouldn't really encourage it. Oh, really? Listen, I must

you, that was Australia.

Yeah? And I'm a granny. Oh, great.

Fantastic. Oh, I must tell Harry. Well, Harry insists he's going to take you out

in a car, so I'll buzz off. Oh, but you've come all this way.

Well, to hear your good news.

Oh, seven pounds. That's good, and it's beautiful, she says.

Great. I want to be there.

Yeah, I'm sure you do.

Are you all right, Ken? You seem a bit... Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm fighting

bit.

See you.

Doing what?

Robertson, he's not allowing them in.

Oh, hello, love.

Hello, Ken. It's all right, I'll come back later on. No, no.

Honey, tell me again so Ken can hear.

This is really... Tell him, go on. What's going on?

I was just telling Doreen that Mr Blakey's not allowing some of the Asian

residents into the bar. Or rather, there's restricted times.

What do you mean, restricted times?

He's segregating the bar.

Does Larry know about this? Is it a vegetable?

He said there'd been some complaints from some of the regular guests.

Believe that? What complaints?

I don't know. About having to wait for a drink, I don't know.

Well, what did you say to him? Me? Yeah. In what sense?

What about segregating the bar?

I didn't hit him, if that's what you're asking.

And I didn't call him a racist pig.

No. At least that's positive.

Well, listen, Ken, he's already refused to do a stop -take. I mean, it's obvious

because the takings are going to be much lower than Harry'd hoped for with the

place full. He told me not to do the bar.

Yeah, I remember. I was there.

And Harry's in his bloody greenhouse all day and big buggered Lord in it.

I'm sorry about the driving.

I was in groan. Oh, don't worry.

Tomorrow.

I'm a bit anxious about the hotel, Harry. Shouldn't you be there?

Well, yes.

I should, I suppose.

Well, the truth is, Meg, I'm not used to having somebody run things for me.

I mean, the place doesn't really need two managers, does it?

And when I go there, I feel redundant.

I can see what needs doing down the garden.

It's your hotel, Harry.

Yes, I know.

And it's your garden.

It never felt like my garden. It felt like my kitchen and a man's garden.

I don't just come for the garden, Meg.

All for the cooking.

I know.

As I say, not just for the cooking.

I'm going to Australia, Harry.

Oh, yeah?

What, for the christening?

Yes, for the christening, and then I'm going to travel.

Swash it.

I've spoken to my solicitor.

She says I can rent the house.

Oh, no, Meg, you don't want to let the house. No, not just for a few weeks.

I wasn't thinking of coming back in a few weeks.

Right.

Peter, it's quite important for me to let the house and the back part, the

flower garden, and still give you access to the vegetables.

How many weeks?

I don't know.

Till it feels time to come on.

Smashing.

I've got to go and have a look at the world, Harry.

I only know about two square miles of it. Most of that is the path between the

garden and here.

No, no, we can free that.

Do you know what I'd really like to do?

What?

Travel across America on a Greyhound bus.

I'm going to sell the house, Harry.

It's too big. It's too much to do with somebody else.

Everything with me, well, with Don and me, was storing up, storing up potatoes,

storing up onions or money or something for something. I don't know what.

So you're going to go and spend all your potatoes?

I am.

Well, yes, I am.

By the end of the century, it'll be ten million.

I mean, where's it going to stop?

Oh, good evening, Mr Boone. How do?

And what can I get you?

I'll have half a bitter, please.

Half a bitter coming up.

How's tricks?

Oh, I can't complain.

Quiet?

Yeah, isn't it?

Just the job, eh?

You looking for Mrs Evans? No, no, no, just fancied a drink, you know, come to

collect me mail.

You've made quite an impact, haven't you?

Well, that's nice of you to say so.

Now, to be frank, it needs a hand on the rudder.

What was Mr Crawford so preoccupied?

Right. What were the refugees?

Eh, it's a funny old system.

And people like that getting their bills paid for by our government. Well, I say

our government. I mean, it's us, of course.

Yeah, I never looked at it that way.

Well, this is it.

People don't.

Yeah.

Makes you want to get burnt out of your own house, doesn't it?

Are you winding me up?

No. You see? This is what I was saying to you earlier. People won't see what is

happening to this country.

I don't see too many of my colour brothers in here tonight.

No, and you won't. They can come in here when their friend is on duty.

I am running a hotel for businessmen and their families, not a bloody doss

house. Well, I think I'll just invite a few of them in, a cup of drinks.

I won't serve you, matey. We'll see.

Are you resident here?

What? I'm sorry, I can't serve if you're not resident.

There's something been troubling me for a long time. Whether I can dish out a

reasonable slap since I've done me laundry.

Are you threatening me? No.

No threat.

Not my best, but it was a weak chin.

Now, what's your problem?

What's this, then?

Hello, Harry.

Where's Hanif?

Hanif? He's behind the bar.

So, where's Lionel?

Hello, Harry. There you go, Kent.

What's going on?

Nice evening.

So -so.

I've got the welfare man round.

And? He was very happy.

Good.

So, where's Lionel?

Let's just say that Ken has landed a great blow for race relations.

I think somebody had better buy me a drink.

Fine.

Sorry. Sorry.

No.

He's off to Australia.

Yeah.

Good night, honey. Good night.

Mind you, I can still do the garden.

Yeah, I was wondering about that. Will you have time?

No, I suppose I'll be back to the grindstone now you've evicted me money.

come on, Harry, you are horrible.

Cheers.

Well spanked, was he?

No, nothing like that.

Was he? I'm sorry I wasn't a witness, but I can tell you how many drinks Ken's

been bought this evening.

Segregating the bar, you say?

Terrible, isn't it?

Oh, but after all that, the bloody bar takings it down.

Oh, Harry.

Well... Oi, you, Annie.

Go and bugger off home. You'll be late in the morning.

Go on, I'll lock up.

Yeah, sure. Thanks.

And don't think you're getting Lionel's job.

I didn't.

I'm not having another under -manager. OK, fine.

So you'd better think of something else to call yourself.

What? Yeah.

Thanks. Goodnight, everyone. Goodnight, Harry. Goodnight.

Goodnight, John. Goodnight, what?

So she's finally decided to give up the garden.

Yeah, typical.

Are you still sulking?

No.

You are.

I am not sulking.

I am sulking.

Are you a little in love, Harry?

Definitely not.

Only I'd noticed that you were wearing aftershave.

Does a man have to be in love now before he can wear aftershave? It is an

expense. Well, that's true.

Any road?

What do you reckon?

Ooh, sexy.

Yeah? Oh, Damon.

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