Original subtitles

Sometimes I said, yeah, feeling alone

No one to talk to, I got no selling

Bruce. Come on, Harry, hurry up! Don't let him ramble on all night. He's got 50

pages out there. He's probably trying to learn them. You watch that. He'll deny

all knowledge.

What's that?

I thought we were going to get him a tease, mate. We are. This is to pour

his tankard.

Suntan lotion.

See, I'm going to miss that miserable bugger. I'm not the jammy sod.

Come on, Harry!

Hurry up!

I mean, you know I love him.

Somebody shouting for me?

No.

I just thought I had a racket.

What's happening, then? What, you mean like a fire or something?

You winding me up is either, Harry, would I?

You smell nice, Harry. You on a promise?

Oh, it's been last night, isn't it? It's not, is it, Harry? Tomorrow, surely?

No, it's tonight.

Oh, you're all winding me up, you bastards.

We're not, mate.

Well, I'm off anyway.

Even had a few words prepared.

Say goodbye to all you lads on White Watch.

Nothing really.

Had you written down?

You know, over 20 years, you know.

Oh, Harry.

Sorry, mate. We all thought it was tomorrow.

Would you like a drink or something, you know, as a sort of goodbye toast?

Oh, no matter.

I don't like a lot of fuss.

That's what I thought. You don't like a lot of fuss.

I feel really choked about this, mate. I mean, we've all let you down, haven't

we? Anyone got any beer?

What, nothing? Anybody?

I've got a bottle of lemonade.

Will that do?

Oh, this year?

I'm still being a collider.

Bloody hell, John.

Look beyond those pellet gas cylinders. Move it!

Come on!

You bloody old smoky!

What kept you?

Terror!

and it's your man, Jesus.

you're bothered with this, Rick.

That is a beautiful machine.

You just won't start.

Well, you can't have everything, can you?

Anyway, come on.

Grub's up. And there's a card from Harry.

I have a dim memory of having worked with you pale people in the cold land.

Oh, thanks a lot, Harry.

Can't wait any more. Have to turn on my stomach.

Rosa's waiting with the oil.

Adios, Harry.

Smug bastard.

Michael Caine, Natalie Jane Horne, Dorian Cowan, Simon Diaz, Cecilia

Mary Stapleton, Paul Ronson, Simon Hall, Andrew Barnett, Catherine Blythe and

Heather MacLean are just some of the 73 birthday people I've been told about

today.

What's her name?

Name? Roper!

Jack! You've got to go in now! The plane's just going to go off any second!

Mrs. Roper!

No worry there. The burns are only minor.

Superficial. Terrific.

So what, you reckon it'll be a week or two before we get him back?

On duty.

I wouldn't be too optimistic about that just now. He inhaled with the blast. I'm

afraid there's lung damage.

Oh, no.

As yet, it's hard to know how extensive, but we'll find out as soon as he's up

and about.

Yeah.

And the boy's parents?

The Ropers?

Well... Not exactly comfortable, but very, very lucky.

If your friend hadn't gone in when he did... Yeah, he's very tough, is Ken.

It looks bad, Ken.

Bollocks. Come on.

You didn't get through the hospital test. Do you think you'll pass ours?

I told you I started on those machines too early. I accept that. It's not me,

Ken. Superman would have a struggle on those machines.

Listen, mate, we've been through a lot together.

You don't think I can do the business any more, right?

You've failed a basic fitness test.

You put me on the drill at the station.

Ken. That's fair enough, isn't it? On the ground.

Not those bloody machines.

If I'd done it, I would have shown I've done something. Otherwise, there's no

argument.

In front of the lads or whoever else? What's wrong with that?

I can't just... Ken, you know I can't. Don't write me off, OK?

I'm a smoky. I always will be. I can kick your arse any time.

Right. So just set it up for me, will you, John?

You all right? How's it going?

Oh, all right.

What have you got for us today?

Breeze blocks, sand cement and your roofing stakes. All right, I'll sign it.

Fowler did say cash, if possible.

Surely you don't think I've got that amount of cash?

Don't tell me.

I'll give you a cheque. Oh, well, you'll have to give me some luck.

Four plus... You'll have to give me five cheques, mate. I'm sorry.

Joke.

You got a word for him?

All right.

Hello, Smokey. You old bastard.

What are you doing back here? What do you mean, what am I doing here?

I've come to see you and our fat face.

Yeah, no, I mean, what are you doing back here in this cold clod? Talk about

bloody interrogation. Here,

have you got a kettle? Or do you drink this rainwater?

Go and shut your mouth. Come on.

Hey, you look great.

Yes, how do you?

Are you well?

Brilliant. You?

Never better.

And Alison?

It's OK.

I went to see the boys this morning. They told me you'd be here. Here I am.

The morning you don't keep in touch.

Well... So am I.

Well, I intended to, but, you know, I want to get sorted out first, you know.

Breathe in the air.

Hey, fantastic.

Rushing.

You're breathing all right, are you?

Yeah, fine.

Come on, let's have a cup of tea.

Here we go.

Make myself at home.

So you've got and bought yourself a field, bloody idiot.

It's not a field.

What else do you call a bit of flat grass?

It's not what it is, it's what it's going to be. I mean, imagine, eh, all

glass houses, big house, veranda, tomatoes, all the veg you want.

Who's going to do all this?

He was always potty about veg, but I mean, that's going a bit far, isn't it?

shall do it.

What with?

I shall do it because I want to.

Well, you don't get lonely out here.

No.

I don't know why you don't get a job.

I mean, a pay packet and a pension.

You'd have been well set up.

Yeah, well, you try getting a job with a medical record.

Oh, right.

No, you try it.

Right.

You know what you mean about all this...

Free enterprise luck.

Yeah, don't tell me.

It's a nice van.

All mod cons.

What did you do? Did you buy it or is it on hire or what? No, I think I bought

it. It's just a question of persuading the bank I have.

You and your bills.

I'm weighing them.

What's that with your son's hat, eh?

Faded.

I thought you were supposed to get the sun all the year round.

I've come out, Ken.

For good. What?

By myself.

Pulling my leg?

No.

Well, what's happened?

I got dumped.

I was, er... Well, dumped's the only word I can think of at the moment.

You mean Alison's left you?

I don't believe it.

No, nor could I.

Anyway.

Oh, sorry about that, mate.

I hated Spain.

Couldn't find a decent drizzle anywhere.

No drafts, no blizzards.

Terrible place. It must have been torture.

All that cheap booze.

The worst bloody thing is she went off with a bloody hairdresser.

About 14.

It's a disgrace.

Still, she'll come to her senses and then we'll see.

Hey, John tells me you can't run or anything. Is that right?

He said that.

He said that. Well, he was sad about it.

Well, sod him.

I can run. I can do anything.

Sod him.

Great to see you, mate.

Yeah, you too, mate.

Let them bugger all them.

Absolutely.

What are you going to do then, eh?

Fancy a bit of gardening?

I've got a hotel.

You what?

Oh, smashing place. Bags of potential.

Well, standing up, is it? Oh, serious.

I was sold up over there, made a good profit, and, well, this place is all

right. Hey, look.

Come and see me. Come and stay.

Yeah, right.

Get the AA over by the end of the year.

Couple of stars.

I'm on the map.

So we're both doing all right, then, eh? Right, that's it.

What's up?

Phone.

You what?

Phone. Oh, where is it? You passed it by the gate when you came in.

Hello.

Yeah, I know.

I'm doing that now.

Yeah, but the other day I wrote out half a dozen cheques just for one delivery.

I mean, it's like writing a book.

Well, resubmit or something, Fowler.

I mean, I spoke to the bank.

That's ridiculous.

He definitely... All right, all right, all right. I'll come over.

Yeah, all right. I'll come over.

You going already?

I've got a hotel to run, mate. What about your tea?

Oh, next time. Look, come to me. It ain't far and I've left a card.

Oh, a card, eh?

Yeah, yeah. Come any time.

There's always a bed and a bottle.

I'll drop in.

Good news.

What? Oh, of course.

Yeah, nothing.

What the hell's going on?

What the bloody hell's going on? What does it look like? You can bugger off,

mate. Who's been a naughty boy then? Not paid his bills.

What? What's going on?

I think you know Mr Boone, eh? Let's not have any trouble.

Listen, tell your men to leave my van alone.

My van, Mr Boone. For the second week running, your instalment has bounced.

I did warn you.

Well, it's a mistake.

Take it back.

That's exactly what I am doing.

OK.

You touch my van, you'll get a thick ear, son.

Now, let's not be unreasonable.

I'm woken up by these geezers rocking my van, and I don't call that very

reasonable. I'm very sorry.

I'm returning your cheque. You must return my caravan.

Well, how can I? Where am I going to live? Build your house. I'm going to. I

just need time.

I've got a cash flow problem.

We've all got cash flow problems.

I've got a business to run, men to pay.

Too bloody right. Listen, will you get this bloke off my back? He's getting up

my nose.

Luke, what are we going to do with you, Mr. Boone?

I'm sure I can get the money by the end of the week.

Friday morning?

Okay. By Friday morning.

Yeah, fair enough.

In the lounge.

Easy chairs, they call them.

Duh. Oh, I'd rather you hadn't put them here, actually. I did say in the lounge,

Nick. Sorry.

Have you got your invoice?

One doesn't need your chair, right?

Yeah, so it would be.

Well, can you move them now, please? It's just that we're open here and

a bit of an eyesore. What, you want them all in there?

Yes, that'll do fine. Thank you.

Thanks, mate.

Nick!

I'll go and put the kettle on.

Cheer coffee.

Oh, anything. Tea.

When you've finished, Nick will bring you through to the kitchen.

Just mention tea and he'll revive suddenly.

I'll remember.

It's a never -ending tunnel, your mouth.

Any road it's brewed.

I only said the garden.

And you should make your own tea. You're not helpless.

I'd slog myself stupid.

You want to go outside there and look?

I'm not a man. I'm a beast, a burden.

Everybody disappears around here when there's work to be done.

Oh, God forgive you. All right, love.

No, love, just let go.

Nick, in a minute, you should take all the wrappings off those chairs and set

them out properly.

I've just sat down.

See what I mean?

Who's Harry about?

Mr Crawford.

Why is there a problem with the delivery?

What's that?

I don't think so.

Only, er, Mr Crawford's out at the moment. Can I help?

Would you tell him Ken called?

I'm an old friend of his, you see.

I know that voice!

Hey! Hey, Ken Ray!

Hello.

Hey, making yourself at home, then? Yeah.

Hey, Nick, go get the rest of the stuff out the van, eh?

Dory, this is Ken Boone, me old mate off the fire service. Oh, but I thought...

A chuck with a field?

A market garden.

I'm working on it.

This is Doreen.

She's my right -hand man.

I only sound female.

This is Ethel. Hello. Hello.

Hey, Kenny, I could tell you some stories about me.

Oh, just a few.

Hey, what do you think of me place, then, eh?

Well, chairs are very nice. Oh, they're just a... Listen, I'm really sorry about

this. It's my fault.

Hello. Hello.

I thought Ken was the delivery man.

Oh, he just doesn't dress well.

Hey, any chance of a cup of apple?

Did you remember the bleach?

Oh, Ethel, I can't believe it. Oh, I can't.

Here you are then.

But you don't deserve it.

Oh, I know.

There you go then.

Hey, them painters locked up already. Oh, yeah.

Blimey, they'll turn you back for five minutes and it's...

And where's Nick gone with the rest of that stuff?

He came with the hotel. He's part of the 15th.

Yeah, he's Victorian.

That's right.

Hey, well, come on, mate.

Guided tour of the palace.

Bring your tea.

No, you all right?

Or do we have to treat you like an old crock? No, I'm all right.

This is the dining room.

Haven't done much in here yet.

But I've got plans for a breakfast patio.

Some tiles and stuff, you know. Nice wartime trellis work. The Spanish

influence. Say, what do you think?

Yeah.

Tremendous. Well, of course, the food's the thing. I mean, give them decent

food, they'll eat it off the floor. And that's all bloody marvelling, you know.

Hey, you all right, mate?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'd really like to have a chat with you, Harry. A chat?

Oh, it's a biography.

Well, do you like it?

Yeah, I do.

Well, there's a way to go yet, of course, but... Hey.

Come and see the bar.

OK.

The bar.

Which I'm going to have extended.

And I'm going to save it.

It's not a bloody airplane, Nick.

It's a place to relax. You don't want people's knees up your backside.

We'll come back later.

This

is

the reception.

which I'm going to enlarge by stealing a bit off the desk.

Look, Eric, I seriously would like to have a chat with her.

Right, let's go and sit in the office.

Oh, I think Doreen's in there, but she's... Well, I don't keep anything

her. I mean, she's divorced as well, you know, so we understand each other.

She doesn't fancy me, but she does me VAT, which is the next best thing.

Now, hold on.

Let's leave it.

No, no, you want to talk in private? You can, of course you can. Come on.

Sorry to disturb you, Doreen, but can I turf you out for a few minutes? Yeah, of

course. Sorry.

No problem. I'm still red -faced about what happened earlier.

You've never been red -faced in your life.

You'd be surprised.

See you later.

Machine, eh?

Yeah, seems to be. Yeah.

Saving my life on the money front.

She's like a hawk, really.

Doesn't miss a trick.

Oh, she tortures me for her feet. Makes me get quotes.

It's astonishing, it really is.

She's going to be a croupier. She's in training.

And when the casinos will slap her up, I'll have to nail her feet to the floor.

Shut up, Harry.

I'm all ears, mate.

Sit down, Ken.

The thing is, Harry, I'm broke.

Well, not exactly broke. I just need some money. It's a cash flow problem.

Oh, don't tell me, mate.

I mean, this place is like a spoon.

Hey, shall I tell you how much I paid for those chairs out there?

You'd be astonished. Somebody'd stagger it.

Look, I need 300 quid, otherwise I'm going to lose my caravan.

It's that bad, is it?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Have you spoken to your bank? I've spoken to everybody.

Kenny, if I had 300 quid, mate, you could have it like a shot, you know,

I'm sorry, mate. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no. No, I'd better go.

Look, I'll tell you what you can do.

You can stay here.

I mean, there's a room here, room number four, first floor, easy climb.

No, come on, let's leave it. I need to find some money.

You could stay for a drink.

Wouldn't kill you.

Same old bike, eh?

I'll pull you a pint.

That is not how it happened.

It bloody is. It wasn't. I went in, I was perfectly polite.

You said he's had a heart attack and needs the kit alive.

No, it was you, mate. It was you.

He said... No, he said this budgie has popped off and needs resuscitation.

You lying sod.

Look, he put... Now, Percy, I'll swear, I'll swear. He put the oxygen mask over

that bird and he blew it out the window.

I don't believe you're saying this. I'm going to phone John up and check this

out. I mean, it was you, it was him. He went in, he said, it's perfectly all

right now, though he's flown out the window.

It's not only your lungs are boogered, mate, but I think it's gone to your head

and all.

Oh, I like budgies.

I mean, I wouldn't earn a budgie.

He was dead.

He wasn't.

Imagine oxygen.

Oh,

he's much better now. He's flown away.

Understand it?

Couldn't wait to get out?

Well, it was about something.

Oh, don't be mental.

It was about nothing other than putting bloody fires out.

It was a stupid life and he buggered us both up. No, it didn't. Oh, come on.

What, my lungs? That was my fault?

My stupidity? You can't blame the service for that.

Oh, listen to him.

I mean, this is a man who blames himself.

This is a man who's put all his money into a field.

Now, are the two things connected, I ask myself, and I come up with an answer

which is not no.

Now, Ken... You can't blame the service for your marriage breaking up, can you?

And don't keep calling it a bloody field. I'm sorry.

I mean, it is a field.

But I'll call it a bit of flat grass from now on.

How is your bit of flat grass? All right, all right.

My wife left me. Now, this is complicated.

She left me because she met me too late.

And then she decided she didn't like me because I was middle -aged. Because she

never really knew me properly when I was in the service because I was never at

home. I mean, you ask yourself why it is that you never had a proper thing with

anybody. Eh?

Look,

let's put it this way. This is one point, right?

And that's another.

And that's wrong. Completely wrong.

Completely right. You are there.

Get a job, mate.

I mean, that's your trouble.

Leave it, Harry.

The jobs don't come easy for a dud man.

I'll get the evening paper.

I know there are jobs. I've done them. I mean, I can pump petrol, I can clean

windows, I can skivvy.

But you get me... Look, the job we did...

It was a real job.

I mean, we saved people's lives.

Yeah, I know.

Baby's wife threw us out of their prams as we went by. All right, so I'll get a

few, Bob.

And what am I good for opening bleeding doors for a living?

Well, shut it. No thanks.

Well, don't include me, because I'm not complaining.

No, I didn't say you were.

Well, I'm not. I mean, I've got this place, haven't I?

Yeah, but it's hardly the Savoy.

No.

I didn't say it was.

Have you ever been to the Savoy?

No.

How do you know?

I mean, that's the point.

Have you?

No.

Now, look, you come back here in a year's time and you'll find two stars

the door. Now, that is my prediction.

Now, I'll get the evening paper and find you a job. I've got a job. I'm working

on it. I've got a market garden.

Yeah, without a market.

You've got some flat grass, but you need a job.

And I'm going to find you one.

Now then, what do you want, indoors or outdoors?

All right, you think you can find me a job. You get me a proper job for an ex

-fireman, not an ex -road sweeper. I'll bet you can't. Oh, yes, I can.

Look, Harry, all I need is 300 quid. It's pages of jobs. I know, I know, I

I know, I know. I just need some money so I can get on with my job, making this

market garden.

So shut up, will you?

Excuse me.

I've had an inspiration.

Evening mail. Message is as follows.

Sorry. Credit card number is as follows.

4929 864 353

776 H Crawford Grand Hotel.

Well, you probably won't need that, though.

Look, anyway, anyway.

Message is as follows.

It's in the wanted column for the jobs wanted list.

Big letters.

Ex -fireman seeks interest in work.

Small letters.

Anything legal considered.

No job too small.

Box number.

That's all.

End of message.

Good night.

Good

afternoon.

Well, some boys can take the piss and some boys can't. What's going on?

The day is going on, my son.

And it's liver for lunch.

Does that make you feel better?

Oh, I feel... I feel great.

Yeah, great.

Oh, great.

Well, you slack off, Boone. Some of us others have got things to do.

Some of us others have been up since 7am. Yeah, and some of us wish some

would just go away for a bit.

I bought you some tea.

I'll leave the tea.

Oh, listen to him.

What's this?

What's it look like? It's a cheque.

Oh, Harry, no thanks.

No, I know it's only £100, mate. It's all I could spare. I know it's not

No. Look, I want it back. I'll pay it in a kip. I know you can't afford it. Go

on, shut your mouth and take your jobs and it's so -and -so.

Hey, drink that tea.

You and Harry are in my bad books.

Are we?

Teeth are my flaw this morning.

Stoked me this morning.

I'm in my bad books.

I'm sorry, Ethel. Well, eat something.

Get some food down you. It settles or it brings up.

I'd rather suffer, I think.

Oh, I don't know.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, dear.

Oh, don't leave me.

Reunion, eh? Yeah, we need them.

See you in Harry.

He's just at a set -to with the painters.

They rolled up at one o 'clock and Harry's suggesting that they roll off

Or words to that effect.

Ethel, can you do me seconds for number eight? Yes.

You know, you really should eat something.

Wait, feel better.

I'll tell you what I'd like to do is go outside and chop me head off.

There you are.

Is this for me?

Harry said to hand you the paper when it arrived.

Why? I don't know.

How am I supposed to know if you don't?

I'm supposed to know everything.

What time the painters arrive, what time the paper comes.

I'm supposed to read people's minds.

And I haven't had a cup of tea all day.

Oh. Is this supposed to encourage me to get a job?

No idea.

Ah! Time to take a funny run.

Idle buggers.

Painters and decorators, my backside. They couldn't decorate a bloody

cake. It's not easy decorating a Christmas cake. Yes, all right, Apple.

Hey, Percy wants another pot of coffee. All right.

Ooh, how's the head?

Coming on.

You read the paper yet? No, I haven't. I'm not going to. I don't want a job,

Harry. I've torn your cheque up. Well, that's a bit off.

Well, otherwise I'd cash it, wouldn't I?

Listen, thanks for last night. Well, most of it. You can't just go. Come on,

hey, read the paper. No.

Look, I put an advert in it, Ken, for you.

You've done what? I put an advert in the paper. You know, ex -fireman seeks any

interest in work.

You know, anything suitable, anything legal, PR box, well, you know, whatever

is. Where the bloody hell is it?

It's not in. It's not bloody in. You just phone them up and take it out

unless you're the ex -farmer.

I don't believe it. I've got mine to smack you in the mouth. Oh, get off. I

don't believe this. You can't do that, Harry.

Where's my coffee, Harry?

It's made me bloody angry, Dad.

Oh, very sorry, I'm sure.

Harry, will you please wait in the dining room? I told you I was rushing.

As I've said before, staff only in the kitchen.

Oh, there you are, Percy. Off you go.

Thank you, Ethel.

That's it, Eric. I had an accident.

Whirled against you.

Oh, shut up. Yeah, you don't want to help it, mate.

You want to have a little wheeze and sit in your field watching the bloody weeds

grow. All right, all right. I'm going to sit here. What's wrong with getting a

few jobs, eh? You might start paying your way.

What have you said to Percy? Not now, Doreen, eh? Oh, sorry, I spoke.

I think I want this.

Sure.

What are you doing?

Well, it's my bike.

What's up with it?

Ammon carb.

Oh, means nothing to me.

Well, means it's broken.

Are they easy to replace?

I'll have to look around a bit.

I don't make them like this anymore.

Expensive? No, not very.

So you can afford to fix it?

Yeah.

Because if you can't, I could lend you a couple of quid.

Look, I don't know what Harry said to you. Nothing really. But I am not a

pauper, all right?

Bloody hell.

It's not a crime to need cash, you know.

Isn't it?

Look, let me lend you enough to repair your bike, eh?

I hardly know you, Doreen.

I do wish people would... Well, I mean, it's not just the bike. I've got to pay

for my caravan.

Otherwise I'll never get started on my house. Let Logue finish it.

or stock up me garden. It's my problem, and I will find a way round it.

OK.

Well, what about Harry's scheme, then?

I mean, at least you could wait around and see what replies you get.

Did Harry send you here?

No.

Oh, God, are you always like this? Yeah.

No wonder you're by yourself, then.

That's right.

No wonder.

Harry likes you, Ken. He never stops talking about you.

Yeah, well, I feel the same. I mean, I've bored my caravan stupid.

But he's right.

You're a stubborn of the mule.

Like this with your husband, were you?

Oh, that was below the belt.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Listen, I'm sorry, mate.

Right.

Not a small sorry, a big sorry.

Right. I was only trying to help. Yeah, I know you were.

Listen, do you fancy writing out another cheque for me?

And can I use the phone? Get hold of Fowler.

Yeah, use the one in the office.

I'll work for it, as soon as I've got my bike fixed.

I'll do some painting for you.

I don't want something for nothing.

No, of course not.

You're a good mate, Harry.

Yes, I am.

So, what about my idea?

Yeah. Yes, what?

Well, yeah, I suppose so.

I do need some cash and there wasn't much under me pillow this morning.

Nothing. I tell you what, though, if we get any replies, nutters apart, I'll eat

my helmet.

Is Dorian in there?

I expect so.

Yeah.

You accept apologies?

I was rude. I can be rude.

I can be rude.

Am I forgiven?

Harry's forgiven me.

Harry's a pushover.

Yeah.

Well, what are you going to do then?

Well, I'm staying.

Do some painting.

Good.

Well, I'll start defrosting then.

I might have thawed out in a day or so.

Thanks. Can I use the phone? Yeah, sure.

Do you want me to go out?

No, it's all right. I'm just buying some time.

Hello, Fowler.

Ken Boone here.

Double glazing?

Ken?

Well, I could have my fortune told, but when can quit?

I can have my feet rubbed for 15 and the rest of me rubbed for 50. Hey, Ken.

I'm sorry, Ethel, but you really ought to read some of this. Well, perhaps you

shouldn't. I'll tell you what I wouldn't do, and that's try and sell double

glazing in the Midlands.

Yes, keep all the stamps there.

Yep. Yeah, some of these haven't even been frank.

Spoil the kettle, Ethel. I was stealing stamps.

Well, then.

Oh, here we go. I could do a bit of confessing. He really wants to hear my

theme.

And stamp the best envelope.

See? I got a stamp.

He died.

You'd need a parcel, not an envelope.

Oh, thank you.

Good idea,

this, Harry.

Yeah. A few more?

No.

We've got a business to run.

Hey, you. Get painting. Right.

Oh, oh, look at this.

I've got it.

Ten quid.

Oh, bloody hell.

You just put that in there, didn't you? I didn't.

There's a letter as well, didn't it? What's it say? Well, it looks real.

Hey, he added notepaper and all. I mean, that's not cheap these days, is it?

From Barney's Pits Promotion. Who?

It says, dear sir, if you want to collect the other 19 of these, call me.

Signed, a Barney's Pits Promotion.

Another 19? That's 190 quid. Look, my cheque. That means I could pay Fowler.

Who's this Barney's Pits? Well, come on, let's ring him up and find out. We'll

use the office phone. Come on. You turned up.

That's right.

I knew it was you.

I'm going to ask you a very strange question.

And you shouldn't think it's cranky or anything.

Although it might, um... In fact, no.

I won't ask you now.

I'll ask you later.

Have you, uh, brought your uniform?

Well, no, I haven't got one.

What can we do about that, I wonder?

Excuse me, E .T.

Um, I'm not quite sure what you want me to do.

I'm improvising.

I've got the start.

or rather the effect.

It's the detail.

No, I can be quite specific.

I've got the location.

Four.

I can't offer you coffee.

We could pop out.

No, it's all right. It's OK.

Oh, great.

Sit down.

The single is called Inflammatory Statements, which I think is good, title

-wise, although we are going to have to alter the lyrics to fit it slightly.

But I just can't get any attention for the band.

You know?

I mean, what can you do these days?

They're so blasé.

You ring up, you say you're launching a new band.

Nothing.

And the thing is, the music's terribly good.

Look, you sent me £10 and I want to know what... I'm thinking Head for Heights.

That's the name.

But what's wrong with Inflammatory... What's it? That's a song. No.

I'm thinking Head for Heights.

And yes, I'm thinking Inflammatory Statements.

And I'm reading the paper, and the press release is Friday, right?

So it's urgent.

And there you are.

Ex -fireman.

Ken, I want you to climb up a gasometer and hang up our banner. No, leave it,

Hal. What gasometer?

It's near Nichols. You can't go climbing gasometers. That's really dangerous.

I can't really go above two.

I could go to two.

I'll tell you my problem. Look, let's leave it, shall we? No, you see, uh...

Well, OK, first I'll ask you the question, the one I mentioned.

Don't misunderstand me, but if I said, are you psychic, how would you respond?

I don't like the word.

I just... Anyway, I just thought I'd ask. It's no big deal.

Because you must see the coincidence.

I've got this concept, and then... There's my man.

Advertising in the paper.

I've had other experiences.

You don't get crackles or clicks or anything on the phone, do you? No.

Anyway, will you do it?

No, I don't think so.

I'll play you the tape. No, come on, leave it. I'll just play you the tape.

What are they calling lavatory remarks, then?

That's my concept.

Something slightly dangerous.

Nick, here's the title.

Here's the stunt.

Yeah, well, good luck, mate.

King?

King?

King.

I don't know about you, but I've had a really good feeling about this meeting.

You know?

And tomorrow is very important for me. Yeah, well, I'm sorry.

200 pounds.

You can walk away from that, can you?

No, not easily.

I'll tell you.

You come.

Come tomorrow.

If it feels wrong tomorrow, you say no.

No quarrel.

Please? No!

Just do up the buttons.

No!

Don't climb all the way up. Don't do that. I agree. Just enough to get a

photograph.

No, it's too dangerous.

Probably illegal. You talk to anyone about this.

What are we talking about?

A few steps.

Count the steps.

It's probably a tenner a step.

I'll give you a tenner a step.

Okay. Look, I'd jump at a chance if I thought it was half -sentiment. Oh, Ken,

don't do this.

Because I know, right?

I know it'll be all right.

Look, is he going up or what?

Just relax, Leslie, please.

What's the problem? As I said.

Bit of eye for you, is it?

No, actually, Ken is an ex -fireman. Oh, yeah, why, yeah. Here they come.

Ken, please.

Look, come here.

You see that grease? It gets worse the higher up you get. You can't grip it.

No way.

Come on, he's bottled it. I'll do it myself.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Leslie.

I'll talk to the papers.

No, Ken, I appreciate your feeling. I'll do it myself.

Leslie, you're being a complete crasset.

You'd better stop him.

Oh, Ken, don't.

I mean... Ken, I don't want to thank Ken for anything, but this is the stunt,

right?

Dangerous, yes, but that's the point, isn't it?

No. Ken, don't give me... Look, he'll be all right, won't he?

He's incredibly talented.

How's your windy fireman?

Don't be such a wally, Leslie.

Don't mind him, Ken.

Oi, Ralph!

Huh? Come up and hold the flag, I want to do me air.

Leslie, just watch what you're bloody doing.

Gentlemen.

A good morning.

Hi. Inflammatory statements by Head for Heights.

I'd introduce you to the lead, but as you can see, he's busy. He's being a

complete cretin.

It's Ralph.

What's the fireman going to do?

That's, uh... This is Ken Boone.

Hello. Ken's our safety, a stunt consultant.

Is that right, Ken?

No. Oi, Windy!

Watch this!

Head for Heights!

Ah!

Oh, shit!

Oh, no!

Oh, Christ!

Call the fire brigade.

Go on, go on!

Jim, there's a phone box to the right of the gate. Get the fire brigade.

And move it!

Don't look down!

Just hold on.

You'll be all right.

Don't look down!

Fantastic bloke, Ken.

Great sense of humour.

Front page stuff, eh, Barney?

He's 21.

He's got a wonderful voice.

Where'd you get the other guy?

Leslie?

Leslie?

Yeah, over here.

I'm gonna grab you.

Just trust me, kid.

Trust me, come on. I won't let you go.

We're going to fall, we are. We're going to bloody fall. Just hold on to me.

Don't look down. Don't look down.

The brigade will get us down.

It'll be just a few minutes.

I like your song, you know.

What? I said I like your song.

Oh, shit.

Look at you.

Handsome sod.

Local hero.

Read it to me, Alan. I haven't got my fix on it. Oh, don't bother, Edward.

a load of old rubbish.

Listen, mate, if you'd have wanted an advert for Box 13, you couldn't have had

better one if you'd have written it yourself.

Yeah, but I don't. We'll be inundated with replies.

Oh, it's we now, is it?

Well, it was my idea.

And you're very welcome.

Do you feel like it?

No. Has Spitz paid you yet? We can't even afford the fine. I mean, that

going to cost him a packet. Well, he's got to pay you. Yeah, well, he will

eventually. I just need the money today.

What's all this psychic bit here?

There you go, Ken.

There you go, Harry.

Oh, well, read him at least, Ken.

No, you. You're very welcome.

Look, you can't go.

I've had enough.

Right? We had a giggle. Fair enough. I nearly got killed on the account of a

nutter. Eh?

For nothing.

So that's it. I'm going home. You're a fool.

Well, I know I am. But anyway, I'm going.

I'll come back and see you.

Plog you some veggies.

Do that.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay. Bye.

I'm, uh, off.

Right. Wasn't Fowler, was it? No.

Well.

What? No, nothing.

What?

You must come up and see my field sometime.

Right.

So what are you going to do about the money?

I don't know. I'll think of something.

Let me know, eh?

Yeah, I will.

It can.

Listen, about those letters.

Down