Original subtitles

Mary, can you get that monitor turned around for me? I don't want it facing

Down there.

VTR Thames 5395, part one, take one.

Right then, off on the road, Sid?

No, it's time to go home.

Oh, blimey.

It's Saturday.

Betty and me always have a row on Saturday.

Yeah, and we always hear you.

Yeah, well, it isn't exactly all peace and roses around your house, is it, with

your flipping kids?

Well, what's the matter with having kids? It's normal.

Mind you, it might help if I had normal kids.

I don't know how you put up with it, Sid.

All them problems.

What problems?

Well, Sally, for a start -off, isn't there?

I mean, she's at that dangerous age.

Fellas and all that.

Oh, no.

No, mate, she takes after her mother. I dig it.

Kids are different, aren't they, today?

I mean, I read in the newspaper, Sid, that over 60 % of them have sex before

they're 15.

And that includes your kids.

No, no, no, no, no. It might include Mike.

I mean, he's been at it ever since he'd come off the naughty books.

No, not my Sally, no.

Well, you can't be sure, can you, Sid?

Well, I can easily make it sure, mate. From now on, she will never be alone at

home. Her mother will stay in every night.

There you are, Mummy. Daddy will be proud to take you out tonight.

And Geoffrey and I can be alone together.

Then Geoffrey and I can be alone together. That's all I've heard all day.

Oh, I look like something escaped from the zoo.

Don't be silly, Mummy. It suits you.

Where do I put my hat?

You don't need one. That's instead of a hat.

Hi, Sal. Where's Mum?

I'm here.

What? You freaked?

So much, huh?

Oh, you really think that, Mike? Yeah.

Who's the bird?

It's me.

What have you done to yourself?

I freaked.

Mummy wanted us to go out to dinner tonight.

Oh, yes? Who are you going out to dinner with? You.

Oh, now.

I've come home from my dinner, haven't I?

There's this new little Italian restaurant called Mario's.

It sells good food and it doesn't cost much.

There's a little room in there called the kitchen. They serve good food and it

costs me nothing.

If I had a wife, I'd take her out to dinner. You had a wife, she'd have to

you out to dinner.

It doesn't matter who pays for who, Dad. It's doing it together that counts.

That's right, Daddy. People should be together.

Geoffrey and I want to be together.

Together? What do you mean, together?

Well, let's face it, Daddy.

He's been going out three whole weeks and we haven't had a single night alone.

Alone?

Yes, dear, alone. You can look it up in the dictionary.

I don't have to look it up in the dictionary. I know what it means. Alone.

65 % of the kids have been alone.

Before I was 15.

What are you talking about?

He wants to be alone with you. Why doesn't he take you out to dinner?

He's not hungry.

Not surprised.

He ate his way right through our kitchen last night. Thank God he didn't fancy

the budgie.

Nice, isn't it? You won't take your wife out to dinner and you begrudge your

daughter's boyfriend a measly little sandwich.

I don't begrudge anybody anything. I've had a hard day and I want me dinner.

Listen, I don't want to break up the argument, Mum, but what about the little

arrangement we came to?

What little arrangement?

Well, Mum said that you'd buy me a new pair of trousers, some beads and a

shoulder bag.

Well, that's very nice of me. What do I get in return?

You get your garden watered. No, thank you, mate. You can walk about starkers,

give the neighbours a treat.

Now what's the matter?

He's not touching my garden. You see what he did to my pansies? Oh, he

them out.

You do not thin pansies out with a lawnmower.

I want me dinner.

Daddy?

Yes? Why won't you let us have an evening alone?

Because you're a girl and he's a boy.

I do know that, Daddy. I might wear a cool uniform, but I'm not a baby. I

know...

All you know about sex is what you read in books.

I hope.

Sally wants to be alone with Geoffrey.

And I can't see any harm in it. I spent lots of evenings alone with you.

And I didn't let you get away with anything.

You're dead right.

You were 20 before I got you in a bed.

We were married. Yes, well, I was going to say that. I mean, we were married,

yes. In any case, I'm not like that lot. I was well behaved.

I played with a yo -yo till I was 14.

yourself laughing. A yo -yo is a fine, wholesome thing.

In any case, I never turfed my parents out of their home.

No, you turfed my parents out of their home.

A half -naked lunatic galloping down the hall, screaming fire wouldn't shift

your parents.

You should know. You tried it.

We used to spend our evenings in the local park.

Oh, what can you do in the park?

Why, you can feed the fish, play with the tadpoles.

That's not what we used to do.

Evening, Mr Abbott.

We've just been having a little family discussion.

Mummy and Daddy won't go out to dinner tonight because they don't want to leave

us alone in the house. Well, there's been a lot of burglaries around, you

Anyway, Daddy thinks you ought to take me to the park.

Oh, thanks very much, Mr Abbott. Nice and quiet there.

And dark.

Jean?

Yes, dear? I've changed my mind. I'm taking you out to dinner.

Because she's got him in her room, hasn't she?

Oh, what? It's only 11 o 'clock. Geoffrey never leaves till half past.

Well, I don't like it.

Oh, Sid, it's ridiculous.

You take me out to dinner. I have no time to finish my soup. I have to eat my

spaghetti standing up and have my gato in the car.

I wanted to get home, didn't I?

The waiters must have thought I was in training for a pie -eating contest.

It's ridiculous. He practically lives in this house. He's wearing the bloody

place out.

Well, they're fond of each other. They're only doing what comes naturally.

That's what I'm afraid of.

He's only a schoolboy.

I was a schoolboy once, you know.

I had my first experience as a schoolboy.

Experience of what?

Women.

I owe a lot to Mary Parker and the three -legged race.

I'm telling you, by the time we got to the winning post, we were old friends.

Jeffrey is a nice, quiet boy.

Did you see him when she mentioned the park? He put on ten years.

Instant manhood.

I'm going to sleep. I'm going to see what's going on there.

Have you seen that?

Yes, I've seen it. Well, people who hang out outside their doors are up to no

good.

So how come you and Trevor brought it home from a fishing trip?

Me? Yes, you.

Well, the chambermaid kept charging in and out of the room, didn't she? So what

did you two have to hide?

Another chambermaid? No.

A basin full of maggots and a bath full of fish, that's what.

Right. I accept your explanation.

You accept... All right, I'll accept it, but I think they're spending too much

time in there. They could get involved.

The only thing they're involved in is their O -levels. Well, let's hope

not studying up on their biology, that's all.

Not that one again, Sid. At least I know my daughter.

Firstly, she wouldn't be so silly, and secondly, she's far too intelligent to

get involved with anybody right now.

Mummy? Yes?

We're engaged.

What did I tell you?

Engaged. It's ridiculous. I've never heard anything like it in my life.

Well, what's so ridiculous about it? We did it.

I had a job and a future.

All he's got is his pushbike and his school dinner money.

Why don't you leave them to find things out for themselves?

Oh, yes, I'll do that.

I'll just sit back and let it all happen. Till one day, Sally walks in

a 42 -inch waist and says, Oh, Daddy, guess what? I found out for myself.

Sally's not like that.

I'm going to see to it she stays not like that.

I wouldn't care if he had a bit of experience.

I mean, at his age, he should be doing a bit of window shopping.

Here a bit, there a bit. Everywhere a bit, bit.

Is that the sort of boy you want Sally to get engaged to? I don't want Sally to

get engaged at all.

Engagements lead to marriage. And marriages lead to divorce.

Ours didn't. Why, you had me, that's why.

I mean, suppose that one day she wakes up and finds she can't stand the sight

him. Suppose.

Suppose I... I wake up one day and find I can't stand the sight of you.

Well, that's not likely to happen, is it? Why not?

Well, because I'm an exceptionally nice fellow, that's why.

So is Geoffrey.

He's got short, fat hands.

What's that got to do with it?

I don't like short, fat hands.

Well, you're not going to marry him, are you?

Honestly said.

Has anybody told him yet?

He's been sitting there while we were talking.

Doesn't usually make any difference.

Booey.

There's a crisis in this house. Great.

Sally's engaged.

Great.

He's a headhunting cannibal from Goomba Goomba.

Great. His brain must look like the mint with the owl.

A bit vague, Sid. A bit vague?

We're in the middle of winter. He still thinks it's August.

You're always moaning. Most fathers are proud of their kid.

I am proud. Very proud indeed.

I mean, here's our daughter. Her fiancé is still on free school milk. What more

can a father ask?

Good morning.

Morning.

I'm getting my ring today.

Oh, darling, how lovely.

Sit down, please. Sit down.

Sally.

Don't you think it's a bit soon? I mean, you're 17, he's 16 and a half.

Oh, Geoffrey and I have talked about that, Daddy. You have?

He says he prefers older women.

Well, men often marry older women, Sid.

Who said anything about marriage?

But you're engaged, darling.

Oh, yes, but we're not engaged to be married.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

Any coffee left, Dad? Did you hear that?

Your sister is engaged to live together.

And if you say great, I'll wrap your beads right around your neck.

I'm sorry, Dad. I just think the whole scene's very uncool.

Uncool? Yeah, just don't dig it.

You don't? No.

You see that?

That's my son, that is. That's my boy.

I will admit that we don't often see eye to eye, but every now and then he comes

out with an intelligent grunt.

The whole scene is uncool, he said. He doesn't dig it. But, Mike.

I'm sorry, Sal. I think his engagement bit is a drag. Yeah?

He's right again. It's a drag. That's what it is. A drag.

Yeah, you should throw the whole thing up. That's it. Just live together, man.

I'll kill you.

I'm not scared of that kind of chat. Sit down.

We are all very happy for you, my darling. Thank you, Mummy.

What's so happy about it? I give him my opinion and he nearly has me for

breakfast. Don't speak like that about your father, Mike.

What Mike means is, Daddy, when you're married, you take each other for

When you're not, you're too afraid of losing each other. Oh, no, we're not.

What's he doing here? It's not nine o 'clock yet. Shh.

It's ridiculous. He's here before the milk.

Come in, Geoffrey. We're just having another little family discussion.

Mr. Abbott, there's something I'd like to talk to you about. Sally, why don't

you take Geoffrey somewhere quiet?

All right, Mummy. I'll take him up to my room.

Hang on. Just a minute.

I, uh... I, uh... I might do a bit of decorating up there.

You've never mentioned that before.

I didn't think of it before.

Well, we'll stay down here, then.

Yeah, well, in between the decorating, I might come down here and read me paper.

It's all right, pal. You can have my room. Yes, and after I've read me paper

I might start the decorating again, I'll probably go up in his room and have a

lie down.

Sally, take Geoffrey to our room.

Thanks, Mummy. At least I've got one understanding parent.

Come on, Geoffrey. Um, by the way, Mrs Abbott, I bought this for you.

Oh, Geoffrey, thank you.

And this is for you, Mr Abbott.

Oh, there's a cigar.

I know what it is.

Thank you. Very nice.

Thanks, Mummy.

Now what have you got to say for yourself?

Well, I don't smoke cigars, do I?

That's not the point. I don't eat chocolate.

Do you want a swap?

Thanks, Mum.

Thanks, Dad. You name it, I do it.

I can't win, can I?

I'd always be wrong. They do talk sense sometimes.

Oh, you joined the youth movement now, have you?

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll get divorced and live together.

Sally can move in here with Geoffrey, and we'll get a bit of crumping in for

budgie.

I know it's difficult, but we've got to try to understand.

Understand, yes.

After all, the only important thing is our daughter's happiness. Happiness,

And after all, I'm her mother.

If I can be happy for her, so can you. All right. All right.

Now, I'm happy.

Oh, darling, don't cry. Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll send Sally in, and you can tell her how happy we are for her, and then I'll

go up and see the boy, and I'll tell him how happy we are, all right?

Yes, dear.

Do you like it?

Oh, Geoffrey, it's beautiful.

Oh, excuse me.

Daddy, we're just getting engaged.

Well, I was just coming up to make a bed for your mother.

It's me, Daddy.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd have a short clip and then make it again. Oh, come

Geoffrey. We'll go somewhere else. Oh, hang on. I just want to have a word with

Geoffrey. But, Daddy, he's just giving me my ring. It's all right. I just want

to give him a welcome to the family chat.

Oh, all right then, Daddy.

See you later, Geoffrey. Bye.

Like a cigarette, Mr. Abbott? No, thanks, son. I'll stick to the pipe. Sit

Now, Geoffrey, you and Sally have taken it upon yourselves to enter a life of

holy, holy sin together.

And that's really what I want to talk about.

Well, go on, Mr. Abbott. Talk about it, then. Well, you haven't had a great deal

of experience with women, have you? Well, I did go out with Brandy Thandie

six months.

Yeah.

Well, that just about covers that, doesn't it?

The other thing I wanted to talk to you about was money.

Oh, I'm not worried about that, Mr. Abbott. Sally and I don't want money.

Look, it's not a case of want. It's a case of need.

I can give Sally everything she needs, Mr. Abbott. You can?

Yeah. Oh, well, tell me, what are you going to give her instead of wages?

Well, I'll give her love, understanding, and I'll look after her.

You haven't mentioned feeding her.

If you don't feed her, there's not going to be much left of her to give any love

and understanding.

Mr. Abbott, we're living in a welfare state.

Nobody starves.

Oh, that's very nice, that is. My little Sally's starting her married... living

together life on social security.

You see, she's accustomed to being kept by me.

You pay taxes, don't you?

What's that got to do with it? Well, by contributing to social security, she'll

still be kept by you.

Hang on a minute.

Call it, I'm coming.

Do you mind?

Oi. What?

Don't get into any trouble.

Trouble? How can I get into trouble? I'm helping Pam and John move into their

new pad.

Oh. I didn't know they were married.

They're not married, Dad. They're just shacking up together.

Look, John, don't... They're moving into their place tonight, Mr Abbott. Doesn't

that sound great?

Their place, Geoffrey, is Paddington Station.

They've been chucked out of Waterloo.

You wouldn't want that kind of life for my Sally, would you? No, Mr. Albert. You

wouldn't be happy making my little Sally unhappy, would you? No. Well, there you

are. You're too young to get married, and there's business of living to get.

God. What do you want?

Oh, Jean said you was up here. I'm just having a private chat to the boy.

Oh? What about marriage and things?

Yeah? Well, I'm all for the things. It's the marriage bit I don't go for. Oh,

come here.

Shut up.

I told you not to go out. The dog's got the joint again.

So what do you want me to do about it? Get it off him.

the attitude again, isn't he? Do you thought you should train him? Every week

happens. You know what you're getting for your dinner, don't you? Cheese on

toast again.

Alessi, I'm sick to death of trying to... And get those wellies off before

come in our house.

Sorry, Sid. What were you saying?

Trevor! Oh, Kelly!

Listen to me, sir.

Goodbye.

Get yourself a nice little flat. Give it a key. Give it a chat. And when you're

cheesed off, give it a boot.

Still a bloody boot in a monotopic.

Excuse me, Geoffrey. I don't normally use that kind of language.

He's gone. He went with the other lot.

Come on.

Let's go somewhere where they won't disturb us. Come on.

I don't want you to think I'm trying to influence you in any way, but she is my

daughter. Mr Abbott, we're not rushing into this.

I mean, Sally and I have known each other for three weeks.

Three wonderful weeks.

Geoffrey. Three glorious weeks.

Geoff... Why don't you go home and do your algebra?

Yes, Mr Abbott.

You don't have to listen to what I say, Sally. I wouldn't try to influence you.

Remember what I said in the beginning?

You said you were very happy for me, Mummy.

Yes, and Daddy's very happy for Geoffrey.

After all, why not?

You've probably got years of misery ahead of you.

Oh, no.

Did you talk to him, then?

Yes.

Did you talk to Sally?

Yes.

Did you welcome him into the family, as you promised?

Yes.

Did you tell Sally how delirious we are about her forthcoming trial marriage?

Yes.

I told her all the usual clever things the mother usually tells her daughter at

a time like this.

What did you say?

The same.

Mummy, Daddy, Geoffrey and I have had a little talk.

You have? Yes.

I said to Geoffrey that after all I am only 17 and he is only 16 and a half.

And I said to Sally that living in Paddington Station is not really the

life she's used to.

Oh, isn't that thoughtful thing? Oh, very thoughtful, yes. And I told

that if we didn't do the right thing now, we could have years of misery ahead

us. Well, yes, I think they've sorted out their problems very well. And

our help, too.

We think you've both been very sensible.

And having talked about the advantages and the disadvantages... Yeah, the

disadvantages, yes.

We realise that getting engaged is silly.

Very silly.

And living together is a gamble. Oh, it's a shocking gamble.

There's only one sure way of us staying together. And what's that?

Start having babies right away.

Cheer

up,

Sid.

Cheer up?

We're going to have babies, she said.

We've got to be more strict with her. We've got to be firm.

You're dead right.

I'm going to put my foot right down.

Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.

Sally.

Sit down.

Right there.

Now then.

Your mother and I have tried to see in every possible way your point of view.

We've tried to be understanding.

Right, now you've just got to listen to us for a change.

Your mother and I absolutely forbid you and Geoffrey to make babies or make

anything at all.

Yes, Daddy.

I don't want any argument. Pardon?

I've finished with Geoffrey.

You've what?

He's too young for me.

I need someone more mature.

You're being very wise, dear. When I met Charlie last night, I knew he was more

mature.

Charlie, wait a minute. Don't worry, Daddy. He's dead against the permissive

society and he believes in marriage.

Does he?

Oh, well, that's different.

How old is he? Forty -eight.

Forty -eight?

What's his name?

Charlie Merrifield.

Charlie Merrifield? You're like him, Daddy.

Like him?

I went to bloody school with him!