Original subtitles

VTR Thames 5390, part one, take one.

Look at this.

It's Trevor's blasted dog again.

Trevor!

Trevor!

Hello, Sid. Never mind hello, Sid. Look at these.

Oh, very nice, Sid. Where did you buy them?

I didn't buy them. I grew them.

Really? Well done, Sid. Oh, shut up.

It's your bloody dog again, isn't it?

He's dug up all my dahlias, piddled on my pansies.

He left me with a blooming garden full of buttonholes.

Oh, I am sorry, Sid.

I'll just have to tie her up.

Hang her up.

Are you Sid?

Yes. Did you ask Jean if you could go fishing?

I don't have to ask Jean if I want to go fishing, mate.

I'm the governor, you know. If I want to go fishing, I go fishing. You're right,

Sid. You're dead right.

I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I had to ask Jean all the time I wanted

to do something? You are right, Sid. You're absolutely right.

So when are you going to ask her?

Sooner or later.

Do you ask Betty?

Well, like you say, see, the man has got to be boss. I just bowled right in and

asked her.

What's she say? No.

Yeah, well, we always get a no first, don't we? I mean, I don't expect a yes

till I'm packing the worms.

Mind you, I didn't leave it at that. Oh, no.

Listen, I said, me and shit is going fishing and that is that. You're not

spoiling my pleasure. And what happened?

That night she slept in the spare bedroom.

Well, it saves her going to the family planning, doesn't it?

Still, we made it up since I'd done the washing and the ironing, you know, and a

bit of shopping.

So she's back then?

Oh, yeah.

No, I haven't got the bloody energy.

Hey, Deb, give her those.

Come on, you two.

Get your feet up there and move all these things. I want everywhere clean

tidy. Grandad's coming for the weekend.

Oh, no. Oh, that's very nice, isn't it? Your own grandad.

Well, you know what it'll be like, Mummy.

Turn those records off. Get that rubbish off your face.

Put your skirt down. I can see your bottoms.

It wouldn't harm you to remember that when he was your age, ankles were

You had to get married to find out about bottoms.

You're not going to put that camp bed in my room again, are you? Yes, we are

putting that camp bed in your room.

Well, why can't he sleep down here?

Sleep down here?

You make me laugh, you kids.

You go around screaming, make love, not war.

Along comes one...

Mum's right, Mike.

We'll be on our tails one day.

Well, don't do me any favours.

Well, who's not doing anybody any favours? Your children.

What have they done?

I told them that Grandad's coming tomorrow for the weekend. They've done

but moan.

Have they?

So, what's wrong with Grandad coming for the weekend?

Nothing. I suppose.

What's wrong with Grandad coming for the weekend?

Nothing. I suppose.

What's wrong with Grant? Oh.

Well, I mean, you make me laugh, you kids. I mean, you go around screaming,

love, not war. And along comes one poor little old man and you... I've said all

that, Sid.

Have you?

Ah, well, subject's closed.

You'll be old yourselves one day, innit? I've said all that, Daddy.

Yes? Yes.

Well, then we'll have no more complaints.

You are going to be very happy with Grandad here for the weekend.

And you're going to be very happy with Grandad for the weekend. And you're

to be very happy with Grandad.

And I'm going fishing.

Just a minute.

You're going where?

Fishing.

You didn't tell me that.

Well, no, I thought I'd say it as a sort of surprise.

Well, I've got a surprise for you. Yes?

You're not going.

Now, just a minute. Since when are you wearing the trousers in this house?

Now, you let me tell you something. You can just unhitch your little braces and

go back to the panties.

Because I am the governor and I am going fishing.

I see.

So nobody wants him.

I mean, we don't know this time next year. He may not be with us.

What are you talking about, may not be with us?

He is 70, you know.

So what?

Plum, he'll outlive us all.

I think he's got two of everything.

Have you seen the way he eats?

I think he's got one stomach and one reserve tank.

Somebody's got to cook for him, haven't they?

Somebody's got to talk to him, don't they?

And somebody's got to amuse him, don't they? Well, that's all right. Sally can

talk to him.

He can get all the amusement he wants by just looking at him.

I've got so much to do. I'm going to the pictures tonight and I'm playing tennis

tomorrow and there's a disco and everything.

Yeah, right on. I've got some very heavy scenes this weekend, Dan. I'm going to

the party tonight and tomorrow we figure we go round the clubs and see what the

score was, do you? Yes, I dig.

Marvellous, isn't it? They can't put themselves out for their grandfather.

When you two have kids, what's going to happen? And I'm a grandfather, and I

come out for the weekend.

I'll go fishing, Dad.

I gather from this conversation that nobody cares about me, then.

Oh, don't be silly, Mum. We're just a normal, healthy little family doing

normal, healthy little things.

I suppose staying in to look after my old dad is abnormal and unhealthy.

I didn't say that.

Staying in to look after your old dad is kind and unselfish and a drag.

Now, just a minute.

We're talking about your mother's father, so we'll have a little more

if you don't mind.

I'm sorry.

I should think so.

What time's the old drag... What time's Grandad coming?

Tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, good. Well, I'll be gone by then.

It's all arranged.

By that time, Trevor and I will be coming back from the river, staggering

our load of marvellous fish.

You'll be staggering, all right.

Out of the angler's arms.

No, we won't.

We're staying in there.

Father. Look, there's a lot of whiskey there, and there's plenty more in the

cupboard. Just give him the key, and he won't even miss me.

Why I'm doing

this for you, I don't know.

Well, you wouldn't like to see me starving and freezing on a riverbank,

you? Yeah.

What kind of sandwiches are they?

Tomato. Oh.

I hate tomato sandwiches.

I know.

Of course, you're keeping a ham for Grandad.

That's right.

Yes, I thought so. What's in here?

Ginger cake.

Oh, come on, the ginger cake.

You know I don't like ginger cake.

Yes.

And there's your tea.

Tea? I asked for soup.

You're having tea.

Good job you like fishing, isn't it?

I've been reasonable, darling. I mean, I can't disappoint Trevor now. Who's

going to go with him?

Betty.

He's a day early. He's punch drunk.

Hello,

Dad. How are you?

Fine, fine. Hello, Dad. It's nice to see you. How are you getting on? Looks very

well.

Where are you going?

He's not going anywhere.

Fancy you thinking he'd do that with you here.

I thought you were going to put out a fire.

Lovely to see you, Grandad.

What's all that stuff on your eyes?

It's only... eyeshadow.

Your grandmother never wore that rubbish.

What you'd really like is a nice cup of tea. Now, why don't you come and sit

down? I can manage. I can manage.

Thank

God

he made it.

Getting up's the hard bit.

I've got to tell you, Grandad phoned and he said he's not coming tomorrow, he's

coming today. He's here.

Hello, Grandad.

Goes to the same school as you, does she?

It's Mike, Grandad.

Mike?

He's wearing beads.

Is he all right?

We're not sure.

Sid!

I'll go and make the tea. Sid, you keep Grandad company. Yes.

Sally, keep Grandad company.

Mike? Keep Grandad company.

Here, Grandad.

How about a nice magazine to keep you company?

He's got no clothes on.

Well, it's an art magazine. You know what I mean, Grandad?

Art. It's rude.

Oh, boy.

Try a newspaper, Grandad. Read the newspaper.

Well, there's no point in me hanging around, is there? I've seen him, and

had a nice little chat.

You call that a nice little chat, dear?

Hello, Dad.

Followed by a grunt and a nod.

Hello, Gene.

You ready, Vincent?

Yes.

Come here, mate.

If you've got something to say, why don't you say it instead of sitting

like a demented tic -tac man?

It's just a Myron Trevor sweater.

Yeah. Do you like it, Gene?

Betty knitted it.

Lovely. You look like an hors d 'oeuvre trolley.

There's your food.

There are your worms.

Have a good time.

Thank you.

Betty was pleased and all.

Yes, well, I'd better go and say goodbye to the old man.

It's Betty, it's Jean's dad, you know, he's here with us. Oh, nice.

Well, I'll see you in the cardings. Yes, all right. I'll be lost.

I don't know how you can do it.

My only father.

If I didn't have my father, you wouldn't have me. Then where would you be?

Fishing.

Selfish?

Selfish? Me?

What about him?

Do you remember the last time he came? He arrived at six, stuffed himself full

and lost till seven, and then kipped for 48 solid hours.

Talk about the lost weekend.

Go on, criticise him, say rotten things about him, break an old man's heart.

Oh, go blimey, it's Lady Macbeth again.

Hello again, matey. All right, then?

Lovely day.

Is this right for a bit of fishing?

Would you like a drink?

Would you like a drink?

I'll get you one.

There we are.

This will get you going.

There you go.

Looking very well.

You look marvellous, I must say. All those roses in your cheeks.

You've been at the yoga again, have you?

Jane.

Mike, you know, stands on his head and he's off for hours, he is.

Does the lotus position. Have you tried the lotus position?

You know, when you... Jane.

He just, he won't open his mouth. He's sitting there like a little plastic

gnome.

Dad?

He'd give me the willies, you know that?

I think Rick Amortis is setting him.

Dad, are you all right?

Of course he's all right.

It's just in the pre -kip stage.

Chuck him aside, the beef will be all right.

You've upset him.

Upset him?

How can I have upset him? He must have heard what you said.

What did I say?

You said he was selfish.

Now he thinks you don't like him.

Don't like him?

Of course I like him. I love him.

He's my father. Father -in -law, ain't he? He's the best father -in -law I've

got, eh?

Ain't he?

All right, then?

Your fishing friend wants you.

Hey, look, here, quick, he's moving.

You've forgotten this.

Thank you.

Have a nice weekend.

Oh, blimey, be reasonable, darling. Look, he couldn't care less if I was

not. Where shall I let him spoil my pleasures?

He can't, but I can.

What do you mean?

When you get home, you'll find our bedroom door locked.

sleep in the garage garage with your fishing tackle

You enjoy that, then?

Look, I've put my fishing trip off for him. What more does he want?

You put off your fishing trip because I said I'd lost the boat. Thank you,

darling. It's a very good book. It's angling our boat. Thanks for the meal,

Hang on, Mike. I'm coming. Good tips on fishing. Thanks, Mum.

I'm just going to the shops before they close.

Won't be long, Dad.

See that? That's a pike, eh? We're going now, Dad.

Bye. Yeah, goodbye.

Bye. Goodbye.

It's a load of rubbish, isn't it, all this allow -goodbye business?

I mean, why can't people just come and go and say nothing?

Eh?

Yes.

I mean, you know, people... Funny thing, human beings, because they think just

because they've got a mouth, they have to use it.

Silence is golden. That's what Shakespeare said.

If only people would realise the fact that silence is a beautiful, peaceful

thing. Then why don't you shut up? Because I can't stand it.

It won't be long. Look after Dad for me. I thought he usually nodded off after

his dinner.

Usually. But he didn't eat his dinner, did he?

Bye.

Yeah. Oh, she goes again. Bye.

Have some coffee.

Just nod if you want.

Knock on the table or something.

You don't have to speak to me, you know.

I'm a very, very patient, understanding man. Oh, yes.

I'm not the sort of fellow that lets little things upset me.

Shut up.

That's better.

Signs of life. Here we are. We'll have a little chat in a minute. A bit of a

sing -song.

Did you see that?

Could have been really nasty, that, you know?

Here, I'll tell you what.

I've got a couple of homemade bottles of wine in the greenhouse.

I keep them in the greenhouse because Jean doesn't like me making it, you see.

You know what? Because the last time I made one, I took one to the office to

celebrate.

I drove all the way from Shepherd's Bush, 18 miles, in reverse.

I'm flogging a dead horse here.

Look, I'll get a bottle anyway.

You have one taste of this, matey, you'll have to open your mouth just to

breathe.

Mum! Dad!

Grandad's in the kitchen.

Oh, Dad must have gone fishing after all.

Yeah, Mum's probably gone to the shops.

He's sitting in there all on his own.

Poor old man.

Well, look, I tell you what, we'll take him to the movies. You write a note and

let him know where we've gone.

Come on, Grandad, get it on. You can't sit there all night looking miserable.

Come on, it'll do you good, really.

It's no use, Mike. I thought it wouldn't work.

Listen, Grandad, we'd really dig to take you on it, wouldn't we, Sal?

Oh, yes, we really would, Grandad.

Oh, well, there you go. I've tried. Let's split.

You don't want me.

Nobody wants an old man.

Oh, what?

Come on, Grandad, up you get.

We'll have to hurry. The picture's dark in 20 minutes.

Listen, you'll really dig it, Grandad. Honestly, it's a really juicy movie.

a double act. Why didn't you say so?

Come on.

Isn't the one where Marlene Dietrich dresses up as a man and sings that song?

Here we go. Where's me cap?

I can't catch cold, you know.

Grandad?

I'm looking for Grandad. He's gone.

Gone? Where's he gone?

He's gone.

What have you done with my dad?

Nothing. I... Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

I think, sir, we've lost a grandfather.

Yes. Yes.

And where was he last seen?

On a kitchen chair.

And a kitchen chair.

Description? Green with four legs and a walking boot.

Description of person, madam?

Crummy.

My father is not crummy.

He's small.

And he was wearing a nice cap and a nice jacket with leather patches on the

elbows. And it's crummy.

My father's an old -age pensioner. He doesn't have much money. If you gave me

more money, I could buy him...

You were not asked to give him money to keep your old... Just a moment, sir.

Yes, ma 'am.

Madam, can you give me any information as to the state of his mind at the time

of disappearance?

He was unhappy.

Can you give me any information as to why he was unhappy?

Him.

Can you, sir, give me any information as to why you caused his unhappiness?

Her.

We've had your family with us. Yeah, but they're not crummy, you know. We may

not ever, ever see him again.

I should be so lucky.

Excuse me, madam.

Sir. Yes.

Can you possibly remember the last thing he said before he disappeared?

Hello.

Hello, sir.

No, no, no, no. He said hello and then he went.

I see.

Would you mind going through all that again, sir?

No, no, not at all. Come on, help yourself.

Small. Yes.

Unhappy. Very.

Last seen on kitchen chair.

Okay.

Said hello and then went.

That's what I've been trying to tell you. Haven't you written it down?

Come on in, Grandad. In you come.

Will you be all right if we go out again, Grandad? Mummy should be back

She's probably gone next door to have a chat with Betty.

They always have a down -with -marriage meeting when the men go fishing.

Don't worry about me.

I'll be all right.

Well, I'll tell you what, Grandad.

What about a little drink before we go?

Oh, that's a good idea. I have some of your father's homemade stuff.

I'm sorry about that, Grandad, but he doesn't make it anymore. You see, Mum

banned it. What about a drop of scotch instead?

No, I won't, Father.

All right, off you go, off you go. All right, Grandad, see you later.

Ta -ra, Grandad, look after yourself.

Now, where did he say it was?

In the greenhouse.

That's it, the greenhouse.

I mean, don't keep on about it. It's not as though we've lost anything valuable.

My father not valuable?

No, no, I don't mean that. I mean, if he was made of solid gold and was crested

over with diamonds, we'd never find him again, would we? But he's an old man.

Who would want to steal an old man, apart from an old woman?

He's been gone four hours.

Oh, look.

Now what?

His slippers.

They're my slippers.

worn them? He was wearing them. Sally wears them. Everybody wears them but me.

I'll never forgive you.

He's probably wandering around somewhere unprotected, unwanted.

This is probably the most lonely, miserable experience of his life.

And you just sit there, enjoying yourself.

I am not enjoying myself. I'm just as worried as you are.

Are you? Yes, darling.

Well, what shall we do?

Let's go to bed.

I can't go to bed. How could you sleep?

Who said anything about sleep?

Me! No, no, I don't mean that. I mean, why don't we just go to bed and worry?

I'd rather worry down here.

No, no, darling, will you do me a favour? Please relax. I'm telling you,

come back. I'll make you a nice cup of tea, eh?

Are you sure he'll be all right? Of course he'll be all right. I promise

he'll come back.

And when he does, I'll kill him.

What's the matter with you two? You look as if you've been up all night.

I thought you'd gone fishing, Daddy.

Poor Daddy.

Never mind. Grandad goes home tonight, doesn't he?

I've got bad news for you two.

Grandad's gone.

Gone? Oh, Mummy.

Your father's fault.

I was only trying to make him talk.

Well, Dad, what did you do to him? I didn't do anything.

One minute he was sitting here, the next minute he vanished.

Oh.

When you said gone, I thought you meant gone.

Thank you very much.

Do you think I am Sid the Ripper?

I can't believe it. I mean, where would he go?

Goodness knows where he'd go.

You don't know what it's like to feel unwanted and unloved and unhappy.

I do.

But he wasn't unhappy when we took him to the pictures, was he?

You took him to the pictures?

Why didn't you tell us?

We weren't here, were you? Anyway, Sally left your note.

I forgot.

Oh, God.

Isn't that typical she forgot?

There's one thing these two are very good at, it's forgetting.

I can just see it.

That poor little old man sitting in that great empty cinema up in the circle

with his drink on a stick.

I was wrong. He's in my green house with a drink on a bottle.

It's really all right.

What about my green house?

Bring him in.

Bring him in. Do you want to see your green house?

I'll have that.

No, you won't. I'll have that. I feel smashing.

Now, listen to me, mighty mouse. Now, calm down a bit.

I don't really mind. You can go fishing if you want to.

Fishing? Oh, yeah. Not you, matey. I've always wanted to go fishing. I've always

wanted to go fishing. Yeah, all right, why not? We'll cut him up and use him

bait.

Sit down, sit down.

Go on, put it there.

Right.

You two see that he eats it, you put him to bed, and you...

Get the fishing tackle.

Thanks. Get it.