Original subtitles

VTR Thames 5393, part one, take one.

And a good afternoon to you, ladies.

Good afternoon, Terry.

Hope you're all ready and raring to go for another fight on that old flat.

Ready and waiting, Terry. Today, I'm thrilled skinny to say, we're

once more on your lovely pies.

Cheeky. We're getting the old pies down to size, if you'll pardon the

expression. Now, lest you get a chill on the kiddies, put a cushion on the

floor. One cushion on the floor.

Right. Now, lie on the floor and put your head on the cushion, okay?

Whatever you say, Terry.

I just want you to close your eyes.

Let yourself drift away.

Oh, yes.

Put your hands on your hips.

And slowly now, slowly, raise your legs into the air and count to ten.

You dirty devil!

Hello, Sid.

You're home early.

Oh, blimey, he was quick, wasn't he? Where did he go?

Where to?

That iron stroke you got in there.

Now, bend the knees... That's him.

...until your knees are touching your chin.

Where is he?

Now, lower those legs again. That's the Irish fella's head.

Just relax.

Terry Wogan.

Once again, legs up.

What did you think was happening in here?

Oh, er, er... Can I have a cup of tea?

You do jump to conclusions, Sid. Well, I've got a very vivid imagination.

On y soit qui mal y pense.

What are you talking about?

That's French, for you've got a dirty mind.

Just a minute.

There's nothing wrong with my mind, it's just that I've got a very active brain.

Now you belt up or I'll cut off your minute.

There's no need to take it out on him.

You're getting too cheeky, this bloke. One of these days I'll let him on a

of toast.

to think I committed a crime.

I've flogged myself to death today.

I've done 38 calls non -stop just so I can be home and spend a little time with

my family. What do I get?

You're home early today.

Sorry, Sid.

I thought you'd been pleased to see me.

Oh, I am pleased to see you, dear. It's lovely to have you home early.

Thank you. Now you can mend that fuse in the garage while it's still light.

I should have stayed at work.

No, I promise, darling, from now on you can come home as early as you like and

nobody will even mention it. Thank you.

Hello, Mum.

Hello. Hello, Dad.

You're home early.

Don't you start.

Have I said something wrong?

No, dear, I think your father just feels a bit guilty about finishing so early.

Anything to feed you? Yes, please, Mum.

How's she getting on at school?

Don't ask me.

Why not? You're her mother.

Correction, I'm a parent.

Children don't speak to parents nowadays.

Parents don't understand.

Well, that's the trouble. You see, there's no communication.

Well, I'm not going to let that happen in this house. I am going to communicate

with our kids.

Sal, sit down, darling.

What have I done now?

Nothing. Sit down. I want to talk to you.

Now, sit.

How was school today?

All right.

What did the teacher think of your essay?

How do you reckon you're going to exams?

All right.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Well done, Sid.

A major breakthrough.

Daddy? Hmm? You can talk rhyming slang, can't you? Oh, yes.

Cain and Abel, table, plates of meat, feet, apples and pears.

Well, your mother will tell you about that.

Oh, it's one of those, is it? It's to do with sex.

What makes you say that?

Because you always look embarrassed at anything to do with sex. I sometimes

wonder how you ever had me.

Go and do your own work. Go on.

Don't upset your father, Sally. Go upstairs and I'll talk to you about it

All right, Mummy.

Bristol's? What kind of a school is she going to?

The one you chose for us. Hi, Mum. Hi, Dad. Here he is. Look at him. The sun

air.

if it's convenient for me to come home. There's no need to work off your sexual

frustrations on me.

I am not frustrated sexually or otherwise.

I'm sure the rest of the street will be delighted to hear it.

These kids today, I mean, it's all wrong, isn't it?

It's all this permission -ness and sex and leaping in and out of bed.

Well, there's no need to get so upset about it. There's every need.

I bloody missed it all.

I've got something to show you. Oh, it's not another of those living sculptures

that looks as if it's just died, is it? Don't be a drag, Sally. It's a painting.

Lead on, Picasso.

Is that the masterpiece?

Yep. You're the first one in the household to see it. Oh, I am honoured.

should be. You ready?

Dig that.

I did it from memory. From memory?

How often have you seen her in the nude?

I haven't. Only the faces, Betty's. I copied the body from that book over

It's a copy of Goya's Reclining Nude. I thought it made rather an unusual

composition. Very unusual.

Well, what do you think?

I think she's got fantastic...

Bristol Bridge.

Bridge.

Now.

Bristol Town.

Frown.

Now.

Bristol City?

No, no, no.

Are you going to show it to Mum and Dad?

Well, if I can get them in a good mood. Oh, you've no chance.

I've been waiting for a whole fortnight to tell them about the school play. What

is it this year?

Charlie's Aunt?

No. It's The Seduction of Innocence.

That's a bit hot for a school play.

Yeah, light the blue touch paper and stand well clear.

Well, it does them good to be shot now and again. Keeps them on their toes.

Why don't you just forget about it, Sid?

Forget about it?

We're her parents. We have a duty.

How many more kids from that school are galloping around talking about bristles?

I'd like to speak to the headmaster, please. Mr Abbott.

We've got to nip that sort of thing in the bud.

Hello? Is that the headmaster?

Well, this is Mr. Abbott, Sally's father.

I'm very worried about the bad language she's picking up.

What do you mean, stop swearing at her?

She's not getting it from me. She's picking it up from some layabout at your

school.

Yes, I can be more specific.

Bristol's.

Bristol's. Bristol City.

Oh, you know.

Yeah, well, I don't know what kind of school you're running, Emmett.

Don't you use that tone with me, mush.

Because I should be around there and you'll get a swift kick right up the

cliver.

And you.

Beautifully put, Sid. Oh, well, time somebody took a stand.

You've got to preserve some kind of standards of decency.

You worry too much. Sally knows what the score is.

That's the trouble. When I was her age, I didn't even know the game.

Why don't you just go upstairs and relax in a nice hot bath?

I think I will. That's a good idea.

If you're going, take these with you.

They're nice. Right.

This is a bit strong for a school play, Sal.

Well, it is supposed to be a modern morality play.

Mr Hughes, our English teacher, wrote it.

Are they actually going to do this scene where Claudia is seduced by the young

schoolmaster? There'll be trouble if they don't. Why?

I'm playing Claudia.

Mike.

What a mess.

Yes.

Where did we go wrong?

I don't know.

You did tell her about things, didn't you?

Oh, yes, I told her everything.

I told her about men and about sex and about everything.

That could be it.

What could be what?

You did it too well.

Instead of a warning, it was more like a commercial.

Well, what are we going to do?

It's too late to do anything, isn't it? It's already been done.

What a mess.

Our daughter's preggy and our son's painting the next -door neighbour in the

nude.

You absolutely sure?

Of course I'm sure. I saw it with me own eyes. Full frontal.

Big grin on her face.

I don't know what Trevor's going to say.

Not Betty, Sally.

Oh, Sally, yes. Sorry, I heard it, didn't I? Outside her door, I listened

her. Why didn't she come to us? Well, she thinks we're too square to

Oh, what'll the neighbours...

The neighbours?

Why do we care what the neighbours think?

There's nothing to be ashamed of. We've got to show tolerance and understanding.

And we've got to stand by our daughter in her hour of need.

We'll emigrate.

Running away won't solve anything.

We've got to be practical.

I wonder who did it.

Did what?

Our daughter's having a baby.

Somebody did something.

Oh, yes.

You're right, somebody did.

We've got to find the man.

Oh, she's been going out with Jeremy.

Jeremy? Jeremy, that chinless wonder. No, it couldn't be him.

Why not?

I don't think he's got the strength.

Well, we've got to know.

You're right, we have got to know.

I'll get her down here.

Oh, Sid.

Don't shout at her.

When have I ever shouted at ourself?

Every day for the past 16 years.

Don't worry, I'll be calm.

Just... Leave it to me, and she'll get all the understanding she needs at this

particular time. Just leave the whole thing to me.

Sally! Sally, darling!

Yes, Sally?

Would you mind, if it's not inconvenient, coming down for a moment?

I'm busy right now.

Get down here, now!

Please! Please?

Just leave her talking to me.

I think we should give her the opportunity to tell us herself, before

out we know. Good idea.

What's the matter?

I've just had an awful thought. What?

You don't think it could be that young Chinese waiter from The Takeaway?

Oh, Chi Min.

Well, they were very friendly a few weeks ago. He gave her the thoughts of

Chairman Mao.

Let's hope that's all he gave her.

Yes, Daddy? Come in, darling. Sit down.

Sit down. Slowly. Take it easy.

Here we are.

Where would you like to put your feet up?

How do you feel, dear?

All right.

Do you fancy something to eat?

No, thanks.

No special fancies like chocolate, smoked salmon, pickled onions?

No, thanks.

You really must eat plenty, you know.

Oh, no.

I'm putting on weight if it is.

Sally, listen, darling. We are your parents, both of us, and we love you.

Oh, very much, dear.

Now, now, is there anything you'd like to tell us?

Anything, anything at all. I mean, is anything worrying you?

Well, yes, there is.

But I didn't want to tell you until the end of term in case it upset you.

I didn't want you to think I'd let you down.

We'd never think that, Sally. Of course we wouldn't ever think a thing like

that. Tell you, tell you, Daddy, what's happened?

I've been dropped from the hockey team.

Oh.

Sally, you're being evasive.

Now, look, this is, this is, we can't pretend like this. I mean, it's stupid.

We're not getting any further at all. Now, Sally, look, darling, we have found

out.

Yes. Yes, Daddy heard you telling Mike in your room.

Is that all?

Is that all? Isn't it enough?

Well, I wasn't going to tell you until it happened. I thought you might not

approve. You did right. We don't approve.

Who's responsible, Sally?

Mr. Hughes.

He's our English teacher.

It's our bloody school again.

The English teacher?

Oh, he's very avant -garde.

He's very what?

Progressive. He certainly is.

I shall tell as bleak. Now, he forced you to do it, didn't he? Oh, no.

I wanted to.

Yes, dear, don't you worry about a thing. Now you go out and lay down and

come up and talk to you later.

Okay.

That does it.

Where are you going, Sid?

I am going to sort out a certain avant -garde progressive randy English

Sid, don't do anything silly.

Like what?

Well, I know you. You'll lose your temper and punch his face in. Oh, no,

just where you're wrong.

We're going to sit down and talk like two sensible, civilized men and discuss

the future of our Sally and her baby.

Then I'll punch his face.

Who is that?

after what's happened.

I don't know what you mean, Mummy.

With the baby on the way.

Mummy! You're having a baby?

I'm not having a baby. You are.

I am?

Sally, I know it's too late for lectures, but how could you?

Mummy! Sally, I know it's done now, and there's no use crying over spilt milk.

But, Mummy!

Some very happy marriages start like this.

have been if if what he did it turned out I mean if he put you in that

Oh, blimey, yes.

He knows he was in a fight, I'll tell you.

He didn't half bruise his knuckles on my chin.

Oh, poor thing.

Can I get you a drink? No, not yet.

I've got to sort out Leonardo da Vinci.

Oh, can we forget about that, Sid?

Forget about it?

I've got a duty as a parent.

Look at it.

Look at that.

Oh, hey, it is Betty.

It's obscene.

Never mind the city. Look what's lying on it.

Look at her.

Putney's Playgirl of the Month.

Hey, you're not taking her next door.

I am taking her next door.

I'm going to show it to Trevor.

I'm going to stop his wife flaunting herself in front of my son.

Do you think I should go down and apologise?

Apologise? What for? You haven't done anything wrong.

That's true.

It wasn't your fault Dad got the wrong end of the stick.

That's true.

You didn't give him a black eye.

That's true. So why should you go and apologise?

Because I'll get the blame anyway.

That's true.

I'll tell you what.

I'll go and get him in a good mood. You stay here. I'll soften him up.

How will you do that?

I'll pay him back the pound I owe him.

Hi, Mum. What are you doing?

Shh. I'm trying to hear what's going on next door.

That's a bit sneaky, isn't it?

You're a fine one to talk about being sneaky.

Why? What have I done? We know all about you and Betty and that nude picture.

Oh, no, Mum.

Oh, yes, you're fine. Father's gone round to see Trevor.

Well, there's no need to go and see Trevor. The only part of that picture

was Betty was her head.

Her head?

Yeah, the body I copied from a book.

Punishing me for coming home early.

Oh, the other eyes, Sid. Yes.

Oh, they look very nasty.

Not half as nasty as I feel.

They don't? You could do with some raw steak.

That'll stop the swelling.

Oh, I haven't got a steak, Sid. Would you like to try a beef burger?

No, thank you.

Is there anything I can do, Dad?

Yes. Try leaving home.

Oh, never mind, darling. You'll laugh about this tomorrow.

I'm hysterical now.

How many more masterpieces have you got like this?

Only one.

Adam and Eve.

And whose heads have you got on that? Adal Wilson and Mary?

No.

Look what I found.

You

might

have had the bloody decency to give us fig leaves.

Thank you.