Original subtitles

VTR 10 -5392, part one, take one.

Anything for me to wear yet?

Give me a chance. We only got back last night.

Oh, Flum, it's ridiculous. We go on holiday. You wash everything a week

we go and you wash everything the minute we get back.

I'll have to go to work in my swimming trunks.

Hey, Mum, my T -shirt in there.

Which one?

The one with Donald Duck on it.

There's the shirt.

There's Donald.

Thanks a lot, Mum. You've done it again.

Is there anything to wear down here?

No. Your mother's doing the washing again. You'll have to make do with the

serviette. Put your old jeans on.

I'm wearing her old jeans.

What happened to your old jeans?

Cleaned the car with them.

Everything I've got he cleans the car with. Not surprising, is it? Everything

you've got looks like an old dish rack.

Don't worry, I'll find something.

Lovely coffee.

Lovely toast.

Thanks, Dad.

home, can you? I mean, even the coffee tastes special.

I wouldn't know. I'm surrounded by mechanical grabbers.

You're the best, Daddy, I've ever had.

Oh, God, Flummy, I'm covered in marmalade.

Well, you've got to admit, Dad, this home scene is aghast. I mean, freaking

in my own pad last night really gets to you, man. It really gets to you.

No wonder we can't understand what the budgie says. He's been listening to him.

It is lovely to be home again, darling.

She's nice, isn't it?

If I'd known how fond of it you were, I wouldn't have just spent 200 quid trying

to get away from it.

Well, it was a lovely holiday and we're all very grateful.

And you should be grateful that we're grateful to be back.

I mean, after all, we've got a lovely home and nice kids and nice friends next

door. That's true.

I'm looking forward to seeing Trevor again.

What's the matter?

What is it, Sid?

My cherry tree.

Somebody's been at my cherry tree. Oh, that'll be Trevor. He probably pruned

He's decapitated it.

Don't be silly.

Look at it. Look at it. Have a look. Go on. Don't get excited. I am looking.

Where is it?

Exactly. Where is it?

Well, it was written.

Oh, God. Blimey. It's better than nothing. It gave us something to look

didn't it? I'll kill him. Oh, Sid. I'll kill him. And that tatty wife of his.

She put him up to it. She's always been jealous of my cherry tree. Now, keep

calm. Ten years it took me to grow that. Keep calm. Ten whole years. Ten years

of what?

All you did was plant it. It did the rest all by itself.

My mate, my best mate. We drink together. We fish together. We... We...

together.

It was an accident.

You don't accidentally chop down a 15 -foot tree unless you happen to be a

bloody elephant.

I saw him.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello, Gene.

Hello. Hello, Steve.

Have a good holiday, dear.

Yes.

Yeah, well, you don't look very brown, either, have you?

Oh, I see. Sort of annual honeymoon, eh?

Well,

I brought your saw back. It said it'd come in very handy.

What have you done to my cherry tree?

Amazing things, ain't they, saws?

You can play tunes on them, you know.

You have to be very good at trembling your knees.

What have you done to my cherry tree?

Yeah, well, it was getting a bit big, wasn't it? I know just how big it was.

Yeah, and Betty reckoned that it was stopping the daylight coming in the

room, sir. You could have moved into the front room, couldn't you?

Well, that's a bit much, isn't it, sir? I mean, we liked the living room. We

liked our bloody cherry tree.

I mean,

it's just a bit smaller, that's all.

Smaller? I've got to stand on the seat to see it. Well, it'll grow again, won't

it? I know it'll grow again. By that time, I'll be sitting under it in my

wheelchair, won't I?

Well, I only pruned it. Pruned it?

You jackered it!

There you are.

Your cornflakes have gone all soggy. Yeah, well, I was just explaining to Sid

about the cherry tree.

Oh, that?

Yes, well, we pruned it, didn't we? About time it was down.

That was my tree, and I was very fond of it, and he has murdered it. Don't you

talk about him like that. My Trevor wouldn't murder anybody.

Bessie! And what's more, when that tree blossoms, its petals fall all over.

Lovely to see you again. Not your lawn, our lawn.

Isn't it lovely to see them fed?

You are very lucky that your lawn is covered with petals. Your flaming dog

covers my lawn with nothing but a lot of petals.

Very nice, isn't it? Using obscene language now.

Yeah, and in front of my wife and all. He didn't say anything. He was going to,

wasn't he?

Give me back my tree. Yes, give Sid his tree back.

Don't you worry, mate. You can have your tree back. And you can have everything

else back too.

Right. Right.

Right.

Yes. We can do without people like that.

Certainly. After all, we've got plenty of other friends.

Yes.

There's a branch missing.

I'll have my screwdriver back as well.

One screwdriver.

One chest expander.

One garden trowel.

One tin of maggots.

One copy of screaming flesh.

Leather. The handbag is leather. Leather, then.

One.

There was a little matter of some sugar.

One cup with sugar.

It did have a handle.

So I owe you a handle.

You have forgotten one thing.

Say the word, you can have the blouse off my back. Why, is it mine?

No, dear, it would never fit you.

What's the matter?

They take now, butchie.

I think it's ridiculous.

I mean, Trevor and Betty are your best friends.

He ruined my cherry tree.

And he accused your father of using obscene language.

Did he use obscene language?

I did not. Your mother stopped me.

You wouldn't catch me falling out over a silly old cherry tree.

Hey, Dad, I've just been next door. It looks a lot better without that grotty

old cherry tree.

I've been next door.

Yeah, sure.

You actually spoke to them?

Well, of course I spoke to them. Why not?

Because it's a matter of principle. That's why not.

We are a united family.

One out, all out.

Oh, boy, the older generation march again.

You're the right one to talk about marching. You'd follow anyone with a

So I made one little boo.

Don't you dare use that word in front of your sister.

Listen, I can't understand you, Dad. The world is full of trouble.

And you get hung up over a grotty little tree.

Marvellous, isn't it? Other people have kids, we have them.

Well, never mind, darling.

I'm on your side. I'll never speak to Betty and Trevor again.

Well, you won't have to soon, will you? They're moving.

Moving? Moving?

Yeah, moving out. They just told me.

They didn't tell us that.

Well, you're not speaking, are you?

It's all right, then, isn't it? Go on, Sam.

Just a minute. Your mother and I don't rely on Betty and Trevor for friendship,

you know.

Well, no, there's Janet and Stephen for a start.

They're always asking us to go and see them. Of course they are, ma 'am. But

Australia's a rather long way to go, don't you think?

They're leaving, eh?

Good riddance.

I was just going to say that.

They're leaving for spite, you know that? Well, it won't affect me.

Do you know, I'll bet they're leaving for spite.

I just said that.

Oh, did you?

Well, it won't affect me.

You going to the Hare and Hounds tonight as usual?

No. You going to the pictures as usual?

No.

Well, we'll stay in then.

Yeah, make a nice change.

Expect they'll stay in as well.

Hmm. Make a nice change for them too.

Aren't we lucky?

All having a nice change.

Are you going to the Hare and Hounds as usual tonight?

No. You going to the pictures as usual?

No. And she needn't think it's because of her.

Yeah, but it's a bit drastic, isn't it, Billy, flogging her out? What's drastic

about it? Lots of people flog their houses.

Anyway, they can't have thought very much about us.

Betting us to live with that tree would be like living in a cave.

But they think we are a couple of bats.

Yeah, well, I mean, supposing we move next door to some yobbo who's screaming

kids and a yapping wife? Then we'll be back where we started, won't we?

You can go to the pub with him and I'll go to the pictures with her.

Yes? I want to move.

Move what?

Me. Ah, sell the house.

What for?

Well, they're going, and we never know what sort of neighbours we'll get.

Well, hang on. Let them move in first, and we'll see what they like.

I won't like them.

Well, how do you know?

I know.

No, we'll sell the house.

Wait a minute. You can't just sit there and come out with a decision like that.

This house is run on democratic lines.

You're... Kidding. According to Chairman Mao, this house... According to me?

Shut up.

As I was saying, this house is run on majority rule.

We always have a vote on everything, right?

Right. Well, we'll vote on it. Well, Mum will never stick to that.

She never does.

Oh, dear. Your mother's a woman of honour. You'll stick to it, won't you?

Right, here we go, then.

Those in favour of not selling the house, hands up.

One, two, three.

Those in favour of selling the house, hands up.

You've got no chance.

We're staying.

Steve? No, we are not selling this house.

There we are. Property market. Houses for sale.

I'll read theirs first.

Pleasant semi, three bedrooms with cloaks.

Cloaks?

They're joking. A bit of wood in the hall with three hooks on it.

And you gave them the hooks.

We should have asked for our cloakroom back then.

Well laid out gardens with patio.

I didn't know they had a patio.

They haven't. It's her. Ever since she went to Majorca, she's called her back

doorstep a patio.

Garden pool.

Dad, they have got a garden pool.

What do you mean? That mouldy old tin bowl buried in their rockery? Even the

frogs won't go near it.

Come on, Dad, you've got to gas it up a little bit, haven't you? You've got to

get people interested.

Well, it's false representation. There's too much of that going on. I agree with

you, Father.

What happened if we all started doing that? We'd be calling our windowsills

balconies.

Read ours, Sid. Yes, hang on.

Here we go.

Superb luxury home.

Three spacious bedrooms.

Well, my bedroom isn't spacious.

Then I have to feed me feet on the landing.

You shouldn't have such big feet, should you?

Large kitchen, all offices, commanding beautiful views, orchard, rose garden,

outhouses. Orchard? Rose garden?

Outhouses?

They've got them next door at number 11, haven't they?

Well, yes, but... You can see them from our window, can't you?

Well, yes.

There you are, commanding beautiful views, Orchard Rose Garden Hathouse.

Oh, well.

If we're going to sell the place, I'd better go and paint the gate, fix the

fence, and then I can come back and relax in my sumptuous 23 -foot

decorated living room.

Morning. Good morning.

Is this number 15, please? 13.

Lucky for some.

This is 15. Thank you very much.

Paintwork's shocking, isn't it?

Well, I haven't actually looked yet.

Rot. I can tell it a mile away.

Really? Yeah.

Mind you, it's easily fixed.

Yes. Yes, well, 200 quid should do it.

Another 500 for the inside.

New damp course, new floorboards. Get rid of the cockroaches. You've got a

nearly as good as that one.

Yes. Well, I think I'll take a look anyhow.

It's got a patio, I believe. My wife's rather keen on the idea of a patio.

Is she?

Yes.

Well, thank you so much.

Good morning.

Morning. Are you the gardener?

Drink. Dry rot indeed.

You only didn't want... Only us, did he? He was just making excuses, wasn't he?

If we have got dry rot, we must have caught it from them.

Let's face it, we catch everything from them.

That Sid even brought his mumps round here last year.

Nearly ruined your future.

Yeah, well, don't go on about it, eh?

I'm looking forward to a nice little country cottage, far away from

Yeah, well, not too far away, Betty. I mean, remember the hare and hound? Oh,

you and the hare and hound.

I don't matter, do I?

You'd force me to stay in this house with nothing but a retarded poodle.

I couldn't force you to do anything.

Well, you won't catch me changing my mind just because of her. And to prove

I'm staying right here.

Why?

Well, I'm only leaving to get away from her, aren't I?

Yeah. Well, now she's going, isn't she?

Yeah. So take the for sale board down.

Well, thank you very much. We'll think about it.

And if you do decide you like the house,

that little thing we were talking about.

Oh, thank you so much. Come along, Aubrey.

Goodbye.

Well, you didn't try very hard, did you?

And if you do decide you like the house, my husband will see to that little

thing we talked about.

How am I going to stick another 11 foot on this lounge?

Well, at least you could have spoken to them. I don't like...

I am not having people I don't like living in my house.

It wouldn't be your house. It would be their house. Another thing I don't like.

I know what's bothering you. It's Trevor, isn't it? Trevor has got nothing

with it. He demolishes your cherry tree, puts his house up for sale without

telling you, and you still think of him as your friend.

Trevor is not bothering me, and he's not my friend.

And they'll never sell that house.

Oh, why shouldn't they? It's exactly the same as our house.

Have you seen it? It's blue and grey with sick -looking walls and a red front

door. Looks like a semi -detached fruit machine.

Hey, guess what, Dad? They just sold next door.

They've sold it? Well, it must have done. They're taking the board down.

Guess what, Mummy? We already know.

And in spite of the fact that they are no longer our friends, I am very happy

for them.

And I would be very happy to stay in this house.

Only your mother doesn't want it.

And in spite of the fact that your mother lost our local election by three

to one...

And in spite of the fact that I'm the governor in this house, whatever your

mother says goes.

And that is happy marriage.

Well, if that's happy marriage, remind me to avoid it. I won't have to. The way

you look, it'll avoid you.

Darling, you're quite right. I'm very glad Trevor chopped that tree down

it's made me realise what other people can be like.

And I'm very glad we had that argument because we might have been stuck here

the rest of our lives.

Whereas now, we're setting off on a new adventure. And we're all looking forward

to it.

Aren't we?

Are we? Yes.

Yes.

Lamb, it's like talking to Bill and Ben.

I've got the nicest family in the whole world.

Hear that?

Hear that?

And you're right.

I'm glad they sold their house.

Because I don't need anybody but my family.

She doesn't need anybody but her family.

So it doesn't matter where we live, so long as we're all together.

So long as we're all together, it doesn't matter where we live.

So we might as well stay here.

Shall we?

next door, then I didn't, so I wanted to go.

But now she's going, there's no need for me to go.

So I'd rather stay and see who comes, and then if I don't like who comes, I'll

go.

Jerry. Well, you heard what your mother said? Yes, we heard it, but we just

don't understand it. You don't have to understand it, just do it. Do what? Get

that sign down.

Hello, Jerry.

That's it.

Same as usual, one for yourself.

Thanks, Sid.

Hello, Joe.

Joe. Same as usual, please, mate. One for yourself.

Thanks.

Jean all right, is she? Yeah, fine.

Mike all right, is he? Yes, he's fine.

And Sally?

Yes, she's great, yes. How's the budgie?

Oh, very well, thank you.

Bet he's still the same.

He's back up at the mall, hasn't he?

Except your dog.

He used my porch again this morning.

Dogs will be dogs, eh?

That's really funny, that.

You, uh, looking forward to the move, don't I? Yes.

When are you going?

Well, we're not going now.

When are you going?

You're not going?

Have a drink. Fill him up quick.

Have one yourself.

I'll bet she's sitting all alone, too.

Serves her right.

Won't worry me when she's gone.

Perhaps the new people will be less nosy.

Slightest excuse, she barges in.

heard a noise, that's all.

Must have been the television.

I see.

Well, I'll go then.

Dean and Val, you're all right?

Becky?

Yes?

AC?

Aye.

I'm glad we're mates again.

Yes, I mean, good neighbours are odd.

What's the matter, Trev?

Well, I mean, why aren't men supposed to cry, Sid?

Well, that's sissy, isn't it?

feel me bottom lip going.

I can feel me bloody legs going.

I'm sorry, Steve.

I'm just a sissy.

Oh, no, Trev. You're not a sissy.

You're a human being, Trev.

You're a human being. That's what you are.

I'm glad you're not moving.

And we told the policeman it was because you were having a baby. And the

policeman said, she doesn't look like she's having a baby to me.

And Trevor said, well, she isn't. If she makes, she's having it to me.

Yes, our neighbours.

There they come. They're still as duets.

Well, darling, fetch, fetch. We're having a celebration.

I love

that

tree. I love it too, Sid.

Murderer.

Very nice, isn't it? You can always tell a person's breeding when they're drunk.

Don't you talk about my Sid like that. He's very well bred.

Of course I am. You only get a look at me to see that.

I'll have that buggy back if you don't mind. Try and get it, mate.

You know, Sid, you said some very nasty things to me.

It was a pleasure.

Watch it.

And you watch it, mate. Now, don't you start something you can't finish.

Stop it, you two. You keep your hands off my Trevor. You keep your hands off

budgie. Come along, Trev.

Don't bring yourself down to their level.

All right.