Original subtitles

VTR Thames 5391, part one, take one.

Oh, blimey.

It's like the Sahara Desert.

Forty -five buckets of seeds I've planted here. And what have I got?

Thousands of fat sparrows.

Ah, shut up. I'll put the budgie on you.

Where is he?

He's gone!

Where's my rockery?

In the garden. Where else would it be?

Somebody's pinched it.

Eight months it took me to build that, stone by stone.

It was a labour of love.

I know.

I did it.

Somebody's pinched me plaster pelican as well.

Now, who on earth's going to pinch a rockery in a plaster pelican?

Only a nutcase. Where is he?

Oh, don't be silly, Sid.

Mike hasn't been in all day.

He'd pinch anything.

Look at that.

All my tools are like that. Only a blooming picnic could do my garden.

Well, he doesn't have much money.

Well, it's time he earns some money. He can buy his own things and pinch from

himself.

Don't start that again.

One of these days, Mike's going to make a very big impression on the world.

It's about time. He's making a big impression on his bed long enough.

I can't wait for the day he jumps in that door and says, I've got a job, and

I'll have a fit.

Mum, Dad, I've got a job.

What did I tell you?

I was just telling your mum, one of these days my son is going to walk

that door and say, I got a job.

Didn't I say that?

Yes. Your son said you'd have a fit.

Sit down, son. Have a drink with your dad.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

That's my son.

That's my boy, that is.

That's my husband.

Yeah, well, it's a special occasion, isn't it? My son has got a job.

Yeah, well, I thought it was about time I did something definite, Dad. You know,

I've been bumbling around far too long. Oh, you haven't been bumbling at all,

mate. You've turned out some fantastic stuff.

You've never said that before.

Yeah, well, I mean, you can't... It's no good to praise them too much, you know.

I've just been looking at these latest here. This, uh, the woman with the,

The, uh...

Don't you like it, Dad? Yes, yes, very good.

Very good, you know.

When do you reckon to finish it?

It is finished.

It is?

Oh.

Yes, well, it's very nice.

Well, I'm glad you like it, Dad, because this job I got, it's a status job.

Status job?

Isn't that a marvellous thing? Yes, how much money will you get? Well, it

carries a lot of prestige with it, Dad.

Prestige?

How much are you going to earn?

Well, we don't want anything from you, Mike. He can keep his wage packet, can't

he, Sid? Sure, then he can keep his wage packet, as long as he hands over the

money. How much does he get paid?

Well, you see, I don't actually get paid.

He doesn't get paid.

Is that all you can think about, money?

Well, blimey, what else is there to think about? I work for money, don't I?

But you've got a family to keep. Mike doesn't have that responsibility.

His responsibility is to relieve me of responsibility.

Well, I will eventually, Dad, but you've got to give me time.

Time? How much time do you want?

I mean, the way things are going, I'll be giving you pocket money until you're

ready for your old age pension.

Oh, cool it, Dad. I'm an artist, and a lot of people in my profession do jobs

they don't get paid for.

There's only one job you don't get paid for, and a milkman's horse has got that.

I could end up with £100, Dad.

He said he could end up with £100.

I heard him. It's all right.

You forgot your drink, son.

If I win the competition.

When he wins the competition?

Yes, I thought there was a catch in it.

If there's a competition, my son is bound to win it. What makes you so sure

that? Well, because he's brilliant and original and... Oh, thanks, Mum.

And I stand a great chance that there's only 50 people going in for it.

Only 50?

Do you realise that there are 49 other sons going home today, drinking all

father's whiskey and announcing they're going to win 100 quid?

There are also 49 other mums saying... If there's a competition, my son will

it because he's brilliant and original.

Give me just one good reason why he shouldn't win it. I've just given you 49

good reasons.

Can you tell me why all 49 other fathers should have a load of twits and I

should have a genius?

Because you chose me for his mother.

That's annoying.

He's been locked in that garage for four days.

Hasn't been to sleep since he started the model. Neither has anybody else.

You always exaggerate. A few little bangs, you go all to pieces. A few

bangs? Have you seen what Mike's done?

No, we've heard it. Oh, come and see. It's fantastic.

Oh, come on, Steve. We must encourage him. You don't encourage him. I'll stay

here and finish my nervous breakdown.

Look at this masterpiece.

Isn't it super?

Oh, isn't it super sick?

Yes, super.

The study of man and woman.

Which is which?

But that's the woman underneath, Dad.

Oh, underneath.

What are they doing?

This garage could do with a bit of paint, you know.

Well, it's obvious what they're doing, isn't it? Yeah, they're making love.

Sally, Sal, don't answer the phone, Sal. The phone isn't ringing, Daddy.

Well, what do you think of it?

We think it's beautiful, don't we, Sid? And the ceiling's in a shocking state as

well.

Realistic, Daddy. Well, don't ask me. I don't know anything about us, your

mother.

I don't know anything about it. They don't know anything about it, Mike.

Yeah, what a drag. We got backward parents.

There is nothing backward about us, mate. We were doing this before you were

born.

Daddy.

Well, you know, I mean, we knew about it before you were born. Well, it's life,

isn't it?

It's very nice. I mean, it's two people making... And it's different.

Very different.

Oh, boy. Get the older generation, the sight of two bare bodies and they cling

together like a couple of hamsters.

There's no need to be embarrassed, Daddy.

Who's embarrassed?

But why isn't he?

Darling, we... We've agreed it's real cool and it's together and it's... Go

put the coffee on and make some tea. I know what Mummy's asking.

You go and help Mummy with the cocoa. Go on.

Why isn't he... Why isn't he what?

They're supposed to be making love. They're not even touching, are they?

And look at her. She looks more like a humpback bridge.

It's subtlety, isn't it, Dad? I mean, this is just a preliminary state.

Oh.

I see.

Yeah, well, if he stays in that state much longer, he'll never make it.

Dad? Yes?

Any chance of borrowing the car?

No chance.

Oh, come on, Dad. I want to get my model down there early so I can look at

everybody else's. Yes.

Do you remember last time you borrowed the car?

You back straight up that path and towed my front gate all the way to Sussex.

Forget it, Dad. I'll go round to Dave's and see if he'll lend me his. Right. You

might.

That's better.

Had a nice long handle this time.

Shouldn't have any...

work on the phone again. I'll have to nip down... Son, son, son. You must have

been working hard. Very, very hard. I mean, you look worn out, you know?

No, not really, Dad. This is a natural talent, isn't it? Anyway, I'd better

split. No, no, no, no.

I tell you what. You take my car.

You're kidding. I asked you five minutes ago and you flipped.

Yeah, well, I've just unflipped. Come on. Oh, wow. Hey, but Dad, my model.

Never mind about the model.

Well, no, that's stupid.

I mean, the whole reason for borrowing the car is so I can get my model down

there. No, son, son, son.

Use your brains.

You don't want them to see your model, do you? Why not, Dad?

Why not? Well, they'll pinch your idea. That's why not. I mean, look, you have

created a brilliant original piece of work.

The others, what have they created? A load of rubbish.

So you take your brilliant original piece of work down there. They see it.

What happens?

Chip, chip, chip. Out go the little hammers and the chisels.

And before you know where they are, all their loads of rubbish have also become

brilliant original pieces of work.

Right? And before you know it, you're on, and the place is just lousy with

fiberglass fellows making love to unpack bridges.

You know, I never thought of it like that. Yeah, well, you leave the thinking

me. Hey, you're really a very together guy.

Yes, all over the place. Here, I'll tell you what.

Here's a pound. You go down to Sussex and fetch my gate.

Oh, too much, Dave. Bye -bye.

You can't even kiss her now.

She don't look too bad from this angle. I can fact you myself.

That's the fella you knit.

Which position were they in then?

There's only one position, isn't there?

You're joking.

Look,

that's his feet, that's her feet, that's his head, and this is her head.

God blimey, she's shocking. I don't know what he sees in her.

Well, how were they then, Sid?

Well, she was sort of lying down there. Yeah. And he was up there. You'll have

to show me, Sid.

Shall you? Yeah, go on, get in the table.

What for?

Well, look, if I'm supposed to help you, mate, you'll have to show me, won't

you? Oh, blimey, all right.

Haven't you got any imagination at all?

This is ridiculous.

Now, I feel bloody stupid lying out here like this.

She was there like this, and she was all sort of humped up like that. Yeah. Oh,

yeah.

And he was over there, that's it, like that.

Hi, Sid.

Yeah. I think he fancies you more than her.

Sid, the trouble is, Sid, with her head missing, there's nothing to support him,

is there?

He'll have to do it standing up.

This isn't a casual affair, mate.

This symbolises a beautiful thing, a beautiful relationship. I mean, it's

woman, togetherness.

Not just how do you do, get them off good back.

Look, see, all you've got to do is stick an egg on it. I know that. Yeah, well,

come on. Well, hang on to it in there, then.

Right, now then.

Hurry up, see. I feel like the Beverly Sisters.

Yeah. Right, let's see.

Wide feet, will it, mate?

Well, it's got to fit, hasn't it? You'll have to reshape the head, won't you?

How am I going to do that?

Well, it's a very specialised thing, isn't it? I mean, it's clay, isn't it?

not clay, it's fibreglass. No, but the head's clay, isn't it? You'll have to

remould it and bake it.

Bake it? Yeah, like a cake in the oven.

Yeah, well, I suppose I've got to get him out of here and I'll bake it.

Sister, sister.

That might apply in normal housing, but not in this one. I mean, here, you've

got to grab what you can get.

You've even got to book in advance to get in the loo.

I don't know why we have a living room. Nobody ever lives in it.

It's the sort of public footpath between the telephone and the biscuit tin.

Well, I can't concentrate in there. The telly's on.

Well, why don't you turn it off?

Well, there might be something good on. I might miss it.

What are you talking about?

I'm not sure.

You were going to put that in the oven, weren't you?

Don't you worry about it, I'll do it for you.

There we are.

It did.

See, I'm not a fool, you know. I walked in there and I saw that over there and I

thought to myself, Gene, we want to put that in the oven to cook.

What are you trying to hide?

I've got nothing to hide.

Oh, Sid, ready's up. You can use our oven.

Oh, of course.

Hello, G.

Hello, Trevor.

I was just offering Sid the oven, wasn't I, Sid?

What for?

What for?

What was I offering you the oven for, Sid?

I'm cold.

Yeah, Sid's cold.

And I'm cold, and I thought, me and Sid's cold, we might as well shower and

it together.

I think I'll have my bath. That's a good idea, you can have a bath. You have as

many as you like, I see.

I only need one at a time.

I usually find that's enough, don't you?

Did you fix it then, Sid? Yeah.

Here, wait, I'll show you.

Well, hurry up, because Jean might be back in a minute.

It's your blasted fault, isn't it? You said it was clay, didn't you? Yeah,

I thought it was. Well, it wasn't, wasn't it?

Tell me, what have I got now?

A fella having it up with a bird with her head in the oven.

I think I'd better go now, Steve, because I only come round to see how he

getting it on.

I tell you what, tomorrow night in the air announced, buy us a drink at the

prize money.

Sorry, Steve.

You in a hurry, son?

I'm sorry, man. I just didn't see it.

Of course you didn't see it.

It's got so that it lies down every time somebody comes round that corner.

I think you and your friends had better come down to the station.

Station? What about that, man?

Dad speaking.

Listen, Dad, something's cropped up. It's only a little thing, but I think

going to be a little bit late.

Good company, have you?

It's a bit difficult to talk right now, Dad.

Yes,

I understand.

All right, son, you do your own thing.

Let it all hang out, man.

Dad?

Dad? About the car.

Don't worry about the car.

Yeah, but Dad... Look, I tell you what, you stay out as long as you like. The

longer, the better.

The better for you, I mean.

But, Dad, it's the competition tomorrow, and I want to get the model down there

early. Oh, don't worry about it. I'll get the model down there.

I'll borrow Trevor's car.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

Sit down. Ciao.

Oh, well, that's solved.

I won't have to face him till tomorrow. And then I'll have won 100 quid, which

will make up for the car.

I'll make him part owner of the car. That will make up for the model.

It's marvelous, eh? She can't tell the difference.

You're fronting the life out of me.

I've just come down to see if the creation's still here. Well, there's

lot of burglars, haven't there? And it's still here, so everything's all right.

Back to bed. Daddy? Yes? You haven't asked me what I'm doing here.

Oh, well, what are you doing here?

Daddy? Yes? I know.

You know?

Why did you lend Mike the car?

Well, I... I mean, you wouldn't do that unless you wanted to get rid of him,

would you? And you wouldn't want to get rid of him unless you had something to

hide, would you? And if you had something to hide, you'd hide it in the

wouldn't you?

And you're a little Sherlock Holmes in a nightie, aren't you?

Anyway, it doesn't matter what you've done. I'll help you. Yes, thank you.

all, two heads are better than one.

If I had two heads, I wouldn't have this problem, would I?

Anyway, it can't be that bad.

Can it?

Well, nothing is so bad that it's too bad.

No.

Look. Oh, Daddy, it's worse than bad.

I don't know what to do.

But how did you do it? Don't ask me how I did it. Just tell me how to fix it.

And when we've fixed it, we'll take the bloody thing down to the school as quick

as we can.

Right. Where's the head?

I melted it.

ladies and gentlemen, to have been asked to present the prizes for this

competition.

Now, the third prize has been awarded to Mr.

Adrian Gilmore for his piece, Motherhood.

Well,

if it had been you, I would have moved the eye a bit over to the left.

The second prize goes to Mr. Neil... Sanders for his work, Face

in Space.

Mum says it's a load of old rubbish.

Mummy says it's a load of old rubbish.

She hasn't seen ours yet. She hasn't seen ours yet. Too much.

Change places.

You're getting unreliable.

Finally, ladies and gentlemen, finally we come to the winner.

A work which I may safely say displays a very high degree of creative

imagination. It has been won by Mr.

Mike Abbott for his piece, Man and

Woman Making Love.

Why do women have to powder their noses every five minutes?

Well, son, you've done it. No, Dad, you've done it.

Don't be silly.

It was an accident, I told you. You're the talented one. I will admit you get

from me.

Well, I guess you better have that.

Don't be ridiculous. What do I want your hundred quid for?

You could buy yourself a new wing, a new lamp, and treat the corporation to a

bollard.

Thank you.