Original subtitles

VTR 3983, part one, take one.

Aren't you ever getting up?

Come on.

What did you do that for?

Apart from the briefcase, it's the only thing missing.

Oh, I feel shocking.

So do I. It's no fun sleeping with 12 stone of Irish tweed.

Especially when it's drunk.

Well, blimey, it was the get -together with the fellas, the annual one.

It's a good thing it only happens once a year.

It takes you 12 months to get over it.

I think I'm going to die.

I don't know why you do it.

It's 30 years since you were in the Boy Scouts.

Well, we like to get together. We've got things to talk about.

Like what?

Oh, like granny knots, blowing bugles.

Blowing bugles?

I can just see it.

out group hits town.

What do you mean, Sheena? We've all grown up to be respectable citizens.

One's a waiter, one's a butcher, one's a bank clerk.

And one's Trevor.

If the rest were monks, he'd make up for it.

Poor me, Ed.

Where on earth did you go?

I don't know.

We'll just have to wait for the complaints to come in, won't we?

Do you want your bath?

No, thanks. My suit couldn't stand it.

fried eggs and fatty bacon.

Come on, out.

Oh, Sid, you didn't even take your shoes off.

I did.

Oh, that's funny.

I must have taken somebody else's off.

Well, I'm going to have my bath.

tweet and I'll have all your teeth out.

Oh, God.

What's that?

Same as you. On me hands and knees.

Oh, well. Excuse me. Check this out.

God damn it.

Water's boiling.

Who changed the taps over?

My feet are cold.

Get them off there. We eat on there.

Have you seen me shoes, Sid?

I knew I'd taken somebody's off.

Hang on.

Thank you very much.

Great night, though, isn't it, Sid? I wonder where I put that bag of chips.

It was a great night, you're right.

What, I can remember of it?

What happened to the rest of the crowd, then?

Well, when we left them, they were booking in for bed and breakfast at

Buckingham Palace.

After that, my mind's a blank.

What about that Mabel, then?

You know, the new one.

The one with the multicoloured hair?

Yeah, but what about her see -through blouse?

Her blouse was great, but you couldn't see a thing, could you?

My shirt's gone.

You know, it's that new barmaid, mate. You know what she's like after hours.

Thank God Betty's at her mother's. I couldn't explain it.

You'd better get out before Jude sees you.

Oh, God, you know, I had my head in your chip pan all night. Yeah, it's all

right. Come on, come on.

Straighten your tie, the neighbours might see you.

Shut up.

Oh, God, never again.

Here's your chips.

Mummy said she found them under the bed.

Oh, and she said she was sorry about the fish cake, but she didn't notice it

till she took her slippers off. Oh, God.

You're looking a bit of a state this morning.

I'd rather not talk about it.

Did you come in alone?

Of course I come in alone.

You do a very good duet, Daddy.

Would you mind stopping the chattering?

It's worse than a blooming aviary in here with you and him.

Did you have a good time?

How would I know if I had a good time or not? Just get on with what you're

doing, you know.

I don't know where I went.

Sid! Oh, blimey, what have I done now?

Perhaps you haven't done anything. No, no, I know that tone of voice. That's

definitely a done -something voice.

Sidney! What did I tell you? Come in, darling.

Yes, what?

I've discovered one place you were last night.

You have? How?

I found this in the bathroom.

where that came from.

What were you doing in the ladies?

Honestly, I just don't remember.

Up to your old tricks again.

I beg your pardon.

Bringing souvenirs home.

Are you implying that I nicked this?

Yes.

I haven't got over last year's annual booze -up.

You brought home a Belisha beacon.

Well, I had to.

It's the only way I could get Trevor home. He wouldn't let go of it.

Anyway, you ought to find when to talk about nicking things. You ought to want

to nix all the souvenirs.

I am not.

Yes, you are. You can't move in our bedroom for them. An ashtray from

Aberystwyth, two towels from Torquay, condiments set from Clacton.

Oh, but that's different.

I mean, they were reminders of beautiful memories.

You can't even remember where you got yours.

You're so sure it was me. Perhaps it's Mike.

Look what I found in the loo.

And whose is that?

Sally's? Must be some logical explanation.

Let's admit it, Sid.

You're a kleptomaniac. No, no, no, no, no. We mustn't quarrel in front of the

kids. don't mind. Hey, would you like me to arbitrate? No. I'd like you to sit

down and have your breakfast.

Look what I found outside the back door.

That must be Trevor. He's like a blooming squirrel.

Has Daddy been at it again?

Daddy, I'll be at you if you don't keep quiet.

Can I have a cup of coffee, please? You don't deserve one. I need it.

Dad and the dog out again?

Yeah.

This is just what Mummy's been waiting for. I don't get it.

If she plays her cards right, she could get a new dress out of this.

Watch.

Can I help? No, thank you. At least I can make a tea.

You just asked for coffee.

Did I?

Yes. Oh.

I, uh... I've been thinking, I might take you out to the pictures tonight.

I don't want to go to the pictures.

Besides, I've nothing to wear.

This is it.

Pardon? Nothing.

I can't remember when I last had a new dress.

I think it would be very nice to get something new.

A new dress might make me feel very much better. All right, all right. I

surrender. Pardon, dear?

I'll buy you a new dress.

Oh, Sid, what a lovely surprise!

Oh,

sorry, darling. Aren't you sweet? Yes, I'm very sweet. Now that I've bought

myself out of the doghouse, can I finish my coffee in peace? Of course you can,

darling. I'll have another cup, Mum.

Yeah, just coffee for me, Mum, too.

What's the matter? Are you starving for Oxfam again?

No, I haven't got time for breakfast, Dad. I expect to be very busy. We call

this to my advert.

Advert? What, are you renting out your sheepskin jacket again?

No.

I'm selling some of my models. Read that.

Young man, talented, broke.

As for sale, some original pieces of art. Any reasonable offer accepted.

You don't seriously think anybody's going to buy that codwallop you make, do

you? At least I don't spend half of my time in the ladies' and gents' loo.

He's very talented, Sid.

If he's so talented, why is he so skint?

Creativity is a form of spiritual fulfilment. Money is merely a material

Well, for your information, your what's -his -name fulfilment is costing me a

fortune in material aspects.

Last week, you used four coat hangers, one swivel lamp, one loofer, and my kit

fit wheel.

Yeah, well, that was for a model called Love of the Conveyor Belt.

Loving a conveyor belt?

Yes, Daddy.

It depicts automated sex.

You see, the human animal... I know all about the human animal. I've had him for

19 years.

Where's the morning paper?

Oh, it's in the hall. I'll get it to you.

Thank you.

Sidney? Oh, blimey, what have I done now?

Yes, what?

Hey, that's nice, isn't it?

It's new.

It's not ours.

Of course it's ours.

I mean, it's our house, isn't it? That's where it is.

It wasn't in our house last night.

Oh, I thought I'd done it again.

Hey, Dad, it looks very valuable.

Just a minute.

This is no time to polish it. I'm not polishing it. I'm getting rid of a

fingerprint.

Now, calm down. I went to sleep a decent, low -abiding citizen. I've woken

chair thief.

Why don't you take it back where you got it from? I would if I knew where it

came from, wouldn't I?

You see, we went to the magic garden.

The magic garden? Yes. Yes, the new club, you know. I read about it in the

papers. All the waitresses wear fig leaves.

Do they?

Yes, big fig leaves.

Are they? Yes, three fig leaves they wear.

And I remember they had some chairs in the foyer.

I'll get it.

Well, now we know where it came from, what are we going to do about it?

Take it back, like Sally says.

You think I'm going to walk in here with this tucked under my arm?

Why not?

You must have walked out with it tucked under your arm. It's for you, Mike, and

Mr Crawford to see your models.

Oh, great.

And, Daddy, I think you'd better hide that chair.

What for?

You're the owner of the Magic Garden.

Oh, God, love.

Good morning. I hope I'm not disturbing anybody. No, no, no.

This is my son, Michael. Oh, how do you do? And my husband, Sidney. Nice to meet

you. Excuse me, not getting up. It's the old war wound, you know.

Bit of shrapnel lodged in the old Watson, eh?

Bit dodgy, that.

Yes. Well, shall I get some remodels in? Yes, that's what I'm here for, son.

I'll give you a hand, Mike.

You're the gentleman who's come to see some of Mike's models? Yes, I want a

piece to replace one that was stolen from my club.

Stolen? Yes.

Stolen?

Oh, Mr. Crawford, do help yourself to a drink. You sort it out with Mr.

Crawford, though. Would you excuse that? Yes, certainly.

That was close.

What are we going to do?

Hide it.

Do you think he noticed?

We shall find out.

Sorry about that, Mr Crawford. Oh, not at all, not at all. Oh, your leg's

better. Pardon? The war wound.

Oh, yes, yes.

It just moves about, you know.

You said you had something stolen.

Yes, you'd be surprised the things people take. We wouldn't.

Anything in particular?

Well, normally it's ashtrays and things like that, but we must have had a real

kleptomaniac in last night.

Get away. He stole the time for the ladies and gents.

Now, that's terrible.

Anything else?

Well, nothing really. A little statuette in the foyer.

Nothing like a chair or anything like that? Good heavens, no. What idiot would

want to pinch a chair?

You'd be surprised.

Oh! Oh. It's off again. Oh, the old shrapnel moving about again, is it?

Oh, you know, once you've got that, you've got it for life. God forbid.

Would you help yourself to another drink, Mr Crawford? And please do excuse

Yes, thank you very much.

Well, it's not his.

Well, it must be somebody's. Yes, but whose?

Well, can't you remember where you went? No, I wish I could.

Well, look, well, at least we don't have to hide it anymore. You're dead right.

It's gone.

Gone? Yes, the dustmen have taken it.

You were very lucky to get away with it like that.

Oh, it's time I had a bit of luck, innit?

Well, let's face it, you did steal it from somebody.

Yeah, well, there's no evidence now, I'm all right.

By the time that chair goes through the dustman's crushing machine, it'll look

like one of his abstracts.

Look what I've got!

Where did that come from? The dustman bought it back.

It's a good job they're honest.

Why don't they mind their own bloomin' business?

I had to give him 50 pence. 50 pence?

I'll owe it to you.

You're very lucky, Daddy.

He could have ended up in the crushing machine.

It's like a blooming boomerang.

Then what are we going to do? I'll go and get Trev. He can keep it in his

Poor Daddy.

He could end up inside over this.

Not for a first offence. First offence? If you count all the souvenirs that he's

brought home over the years, it's his 61st offence.

Oh, Mike.

Just imagine him in a little cell throwing mail bags.

I can.

Oh, it's not funny.

What can we do?

Well, it's obvious what we do, isn't it? We just take the chair back to the

club. What do we say?

We don't say anything, Sal. We walk in, put the chair down, we run like hell.

Hello, Sid.

How's your head?

Never mind my head, mate. We're in shocking trouble.

Oh, Sid.

I am sorry.

Not us.

Us.

You don't mean we knocked off that blonde's fig leaf, do you? No, no, no.

trap. No, last night sometime, we pinched a chair, you and me took it all

way through Kensington and brought it here.

A chair? A chair.

What do you want a chair for? I don't know, mate. The state we were in, it

should have been a stretcher.

The point is, it's here, in this house.

Well, where did we get it from? It didn't say.

What's the matter with this tea?

Oh, I just put coffee in with the tea bag.

We have got to remember where we got that chair from and take it straight

Well, for goodness sake, let's try and retrace your movements.

Now, you started with the Boy Scouts. Yes, in the hair and hands.

And what happened then?

I woke up in my suit and he woke up in the chip pan.

Remember something in between?

Wait a minute.

The Columbo Club.

That's the gambling club.

Is it?

Oh, well, we can rule that out from the start, can't we? Straight out. Well,

gambling, we wouldn't go near a gambling club. Well, let's see if you brought

any more souvenirs home, like bookmatches or something. That's a good

I'll do it.

The Flamingo Club.

Topless waitresses. That's a trip.

Thank you very much.

Well, this isn't getting us anywhere. Come and look at the chair, Trevor.

gone.

What, again?

Perhaps somebody's stolen it.

Who would be potty enough to steal a chair?

We've been through all that, Sid.

Now, maybe one of the kids has moved it upstairs.

I'll go and see.

See if I can jog your memory.

What's this, then?

Another little memento we brought home last night. Where did he get it from?

Well, it speaks for itself, doesn't it?

Here, that makes the set.

Hang on.

We've drawn off the treble, huh?

Are

these

yours, sir?

Yes, yes, they're mine.

And my wife's.

And is this yours, too, sir?

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes. That's ours, officer, yes.

It needs a new bottom. Excuse me. Seat.

The magic artist's daughter falls to chairs, sir.

Yeah, well, we already explained that, you see. We accidentally took it to the

wrong place.

I'll say one thing for you, kid, sir. What's that?

They're more convincing than their father.

Thank you very much.

James! What is it?

The phantom chair's come back.

We were only trying to help you, Daddy. Yes, straight into the nick. Open the

door.

I'll have to burn the bloody thing.

Ah, Mr Abbott, your son at home.

No, he's out. Oh, it's a pity. It's important.

Is it?

Well, he's apologised to the police.

Police? Yes, he said he's very sorry and he'll never do it again.

I don't know what he's done to upset the police, but I want to buy one of his

models. You do? Yes, you know, his models are full of spiritual fulfilment

material aspect.

Are they? Yes.

Which one do you fancy, then? A love on a what's -it.

Yes, hang on. Mike! Yeah?

Mr Crawford's here. Bring down love on a... What's it? Right. Come in, Mr

Crawford. Thank you.

He's got another cracker up there, you know. It's an old bicycle wheel with

barbed wire all over it. He calls it frontal nude protesting.

Do you see that one? Yes, yes. Do you like it? No. No?

Reminds me too much of the wife.

There you go.

Oh, that's it.

Oh, full of spiritual fulfillment, that.

Ingenious, ingenious.

That's my exercise wheel.

Half a stone I've put on since he pinched you.

£50. No, no, £7 is half a stone.

£50? Money?

£50. I accept.

Wait a minute.

You'd give him 50 quid for that?

All right, 75.

I accept.

Wait a minute.

You give him £75, you must be raving mad, giving him £75 for that cheese.

only worth ten.

All right, ten.

Done.

That's the way I like to do business. I'm not surprised.

Mr Crawford. Oi.

Thanks a lot, Dad. It's all right, son.

One for you, one for me.

By the way, there is one little other favour you could do for me. Yes, what?

Well, on Thursday week, I'm organising the local police ball, and if you'd like

to donate a little something for the tombola... Police ball? Yeah. Hang on.

I should get a few tickets.

Hello.

Hello. See you.

Yes.

Well, nobody would ever recognise that now.

You've completely ruined it, Dad. Oh, don't be ridiculous. I've given her a

personality. Yeah, well, I dug its old personality.

And if you hadn't goofed up my scene with Mr Crawford, I'd have had 75 quid.

I'd have willingly given you a fiver for that chair for me bedroom.

Yeah, we'd have been right back where we started. A stolen chair in the house.

Whereas now... We've got a painted stolen chair in the house.

Very good.

Hang on, hang on.

Listen, come here. What? Betty, he's back home.

I wouldn't brag about it. Your luck's run out.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Before she left, she bought something.

What? A chair.

Chair? The chair.

The chair? Yeah. You must have stuck it round my place, put it round here, and

there you are. So, if you don't mind, all I'll do is pick it up and all that.

I'll bring it round in the morning. Why? Well, I want to polish it up for you.

Oh, let me say that.

Oh,

my God.

quaint.

Thank you.