All language subtitles for Bless This House s01e12 The Morning After The Night Before

VTR 3983, part one, take one.

Aren't you ever getting up?

Come on.

What did you do that for?

Apart from the briefcase, it's the only
thing missing.

Oh, I feel shocking.

So do I. It's no fun sleeping with 12
stone of Irish tweed.

Especially when it's drunk.

Well, blimey, it was the get -together
with the fellas, the annual one.

It's a good thing it only happens once a
year.

It takes you 12 months to get over it.

I think I'm going to die.

I don't know why you do it.

It's 30 years since you were in the Boy
Scouts.

Well, we like to get together. We've got
things to talk about.

Like what?

Oh, like granny knots, blowing bugles.

Blowing bugles?

I can just see it.

out group hits town.

What do you mean, Sheena? We've all
grown up to be respectable citizens.

One's a waiter, one's a butcher, one's a
bank clerk.

And one's Trevor.

If the rest were monks, he'd make up for
it.

Poor me, Ed.

Where on earth did you go?

I don't know.

We'll just have to wait for the
complaints to come in, won't we?

Do you want your bath?

No, thanks. My suit couldn't stand it.

fried eggs and fatty bacon.

Come on, out.

Oh, Sid, you didn't even take your shoes
off.

I did.

Oh, that's funny.

I must have taken somebody else's off.

Well, I'm going to have my bath.

tweet and I'll have all your teeth out.

Oh, God.

What's that?

Same as you. On me hands and knees.

Oh, well. Excuse me. Check this out.

God damn it.

Water's boiling.

Who changed the taps over?

My feet are cold.

Get them off there. We eat on there.

Have you seen me shoes, Sid?

I knew I'd taken somebody's off.

Hang on.

Thank you very much.

Great night, though, isn't it, Sid? I
wonder where I put that bag of chips.

It was a great night, you're right.

What, I can remember of it?

What happened to the rest of the crowd,
then?

Well, when we left them, they were
booking in for bed and breakfast at

Buckingham Palace.

After that, my mind's a blank.

What about that Mabel, then?

You know, the new one.

The one with the multicoloured hair?

Yeah, but what about her see -through
blouse?

Her blouse was great, but you couldn't
see a thing, could you?

My shirt's gone.

You know, it's that new barmaid, mate.
You know what she's like after hours.

Thank God Betty's at her mother's. I
couldn't explain it.

You'd better get out before Jude sees
you.

Oh, God, you know, I had my head in your
chip pan all night. Yeah, it's all

right. Come on, come on.

Straighten your tie, the neighbours
might see you.

Shut up.

Oh, God, never again.

Here's your chips.

Mummy said she found them under the bed.

Oh, and she said she was sorry about the
fish cake, but she didn't notice it

till she took her slippers off. Oh, God.

You're looking a bit of a state this
morning.

I'd rather not talk about it.

Did you come in alone?

Of course I come in alone.

You do a very good duet, Daddy.

Would you mind stopping the chattering?

It's worse than a blooming aviary in
here with you and him.

Did you have a good time?

How would I know if I had a good time or
not? Just get on with what you're

doing, you know.

I don't know where I went.

Sid! Oh, blimey, what have I done now?

Perhaps you haven't done anything. No,
no, I know that tone of voice. That's

definitely a done -something voice.

Sidney! What did I tell you? Come in,
darling.

Yes, what?

I've discovered one place you were last
night.

You have? How?

I found this in the bathroom.

where that came from.

What were you doing in the ladies?

Honestly, I just don't remember.

Up to your old tricks again.

I beg your pardon.

Bringing souvenirs home.

Are you implying that I nicked this?

Yes.

I haven't got over last year's annual
booze -up.

You brought home a Belisha beacon.

Well, I had to.

It's the only way I could get Trevor
home. He wouldn't let go of it.

Anyway, you ought to find when to talk
about nicking things. You ought to want

to nix all the souvenirs.

I am not.

Yes, you are. You can't move in our
bedroom for them. An ashtray from

Aberystwyth, two towels from Torquay,
condiments set from Clacton.

Oh, but that's different.

I mean, they were reminders of beautiful
memories.

You can't even remember where you got
yours.

You're so sure it was me. Perhaps it's
Mike.

Look what I found in the loo.

And whose is that?

Sally's? Must be some logical
explanation.

Let's admit it, Sid.

You're a kleptomaniac. No, no, no, no,
no. We mustn't quarrel in front of the

kids. don't mind. Hey, would you like me
to arbitrate? No. I'd like you to sit

down and have your breakfast.

Look what I found outside the back door.

That must be Trevor. He's like a
blooming squirrel.

Has Daddy been at it again?

Daddy, I'll be at you if you don't keep
quiet.

Can I have a cup of coffee, please? You
don't deserve one. I need it.

Dad and the dog out again?

Yeah.

This is just what Mummy's been waiting
for. I don't get it.

If she plays her cards right, she could
get a new dress out of this.

Watch.

Can I help? No, thank you. At least I
can make a tea.

You just asked for coffee.

Did I?

Yes. Oh.

I, uh... I've been thinking, I might
take you out to the pictures tonight.

I don't want to go to the pictures.

Besides, I've nothing to wear.

This is it.

Pardon? Nothing.

I can't remember when I last had a new
dress.

I think it would be very nice to get
something new.

A new dress might make me feel very much
better. All right, all right. I

surrender. Pardon, dear?

I'll buy you a new dress.

Oh, Sid, what a lovely surprise!

Oh,

sorry, darling. Aren't you sweet? Yes,
I'm very sweet. Now that I've bought

myself out of the doghouse, can I finish
my coffee in peace? Of course you can,

darling. I'll have another cup, Mum.

Yeah, just coffee for me, Mum, too.

What's the matter? Are you starving for
Oxfam again?

No, I haven't got time for breakfast,
Dad. I expect to be very busy. We call

this to my advert.

Advert? What, are you renting out your
sheepskin jacket again?

No.

I'm selling some of my models. Read
that.

Young man, talented, broke.

As for sale, some original pieces of
art. Any reasonable offer accepted.

You don't seriously think anybody's
going to buy that codwallop you make, do

you? At least I don't spend half of my
time in the ladies' and gents' loo.

He's very talented, Sid.

If he's so talented, why is he so skint?

Creativity is a form of spiritual
fulfilment. Money is merely a material

Well, for your information, your what's
-his -name fulfilment is costing me a

fortune in material aspects.

Last week, you used four coat hangers,
one swivel lamp, one loofer, and my kit

fit wheel.

Yeah, well, that was for a model called
Love of the Conveyor Belt.

Loving a conveyor belt?

Yes, Daddy.

It depicts automated sex.

You see, the human animal... I know all
about the human animal. I've had him for

19 years.

Where's the morning paper?

Oh, it's in the hall. I'll get it to
you.

Thank you.

Sidney? Oh, blimey, what have I done
now?

Yes, what?

Hey, that's nice, isn't it?

It's new.

It's not ours.

Of course it's ours.

I mean, it's our house, isn't it? That's
where it is.

It wasn't in our house last night.

Oh, I thought I'd done it again.

Hey, Dad, it looks very valuable.

Just a minute.

This is no time to polish it. I'm not
polishing it. I'm getting rid of a

fingerprint.

Now, calm down. I went to sleep a
decent, low -abiding citizen. I've woken

chair thief.

Why don't you take it back where you got
it from? I would if I knew where it

came from, wouldn't I?

You see, we went to the magic garden.

The magic garden? Yes. Yes, the new
club, you know. I read about it in the

papers. All the waitresses wear fig
leaves.

Do they?

Yes, big fig leaves.

Are they? Yes, three fig leaves they
wear.

And I remember they had some chairs in
the foyer.

I'll get it.

Well, now we know where it came from,
what are we going to do about it?

Take it back, like Sally says.

You think I'm going to walk in here with
this tucked under my arm?

Why not?

You must have walked out with it tucked
under your arm. It's for you, Mike, and

Mr Crawford to see your models.

Oh, great.

And, Daddy, I think you'd better hide
that chair.

What for?

You're the owner of the Magic Garden.

Oh, God, love.

Good morning. I hope I'm not disturbing
anybody. No, no, no.

This is my son, Michael. Oh, how do you
do? And my husband, Sidney. Nice to meet

you. Excuse me, not getting up. It's the
old war wound, you know.

Bit of shrapnel lodged in the old
Watson, eh?

Bit dodgy, that.

Yes. Well, shall I get some remodels in?
Yes, that's what I'm here for, son.

I'll give you a hand, Mike.

You're the gentleman who's come to see
some of Mike's models? Yes, I want a

piece to replace one that was stolen
from my club.

Stolen? Yes.

Stolen?

Oh, Mr. Crawford, do help yourself to a
drink. You sort it out with Mr.

Crawford, though. Would you excuse that?
Yes, certainly.

That was close.

What are we going to do?

Hide it.

Do you think he noticed?

We shall find out.

Sorry about that, Mr Crawford. Oh, not
at all, not at all. Oh, your leg's

better. Pardon? The war wound.

Oh, yes, yes.

It just moves about, you know.

You said you had something stolen.

Yes, you'd be surprised the things
people take. We wouldn't.

Anything in particular?

Well, normally it's ashtrays and things
like that, but we must have had a real

kleptomaniac in last night.

Get away. He stole the time for the
ladies and gents.

Now, that's terrible.

Anything else?

Well, nothing really. A little statuette
in the foyer.

Nothing like a chair or anything like
that? Good heavens, no. What idiot would

want to pinch a chair?

You'd be surprised.

Oh! Oh. It's off again. Oh, the old
shrapnel moving about again, is it?

Oh, you know, once you've got that,
you've got it for life. God forbid.

Would you help yourself to another
drink, Mr Crawford? And please do excuse

Yes, thank you very much.

Well, it's not his.

Well, it must be somebody's. Yes, but
whose?

Well, can't you remember where you went?
No, I wish I could.

Well, look, well, at least we don't have
to hide it anymore. You're dead right.

It's gone.

Gone? Yes, the dustmen have taken it.

You were very lucky to get away with it
like that.

Oh, it's time I had a bit of luck,
innit?

Well, let's face it, you did steal it
from somebody.

Yeah, well, there's no evidence now, I'm
all right.

By the time that chair goes through the
dustman's crushing machine, it'll look

like one of his abstracts.

Look what I've got!

Where did that come from? The dustman
bought it back.

It's a good job they're honest.

Why don't they mind their own bloomin'
business?

I had to give him 50 pence. 50 pence?

I'll owe it to you.

You're very lucky, Daddy.

He could have ended up in the crushing
machine.

It's like a blooming boomerang.

Then what are we going to do? I'll go
and get Trev. He can keep it in his

Poor Daddy.

He could end up inside over this.

Not for a first offence. First offence?
If you count all the souvenirs that he's

brought home over the years, it's his
61st offence.

Oh, Mike.

Just imagine him in a little cell
throwing mail bags.

I can.

Oh, it's not funny.

What can we do?

Well, it's obvious what we do, isn't it?
We just take the chair back to the

club. What do we say?

We don't say anything, Sal. We walk in,
put the chair down, we run like hell.

Hello, Sid.

How's your head?

Never mind my head, mate. We're in
shocking trouble.

Oh, Sid.

I am sorry.

Not us.

Us.

You don't mean we knocked off that
blonde's fig leaf, do you? No, no, no.

trap. No, last night sometime, we
pinched a chair, you and me took it all

way through Kensington and brought it
here.

A chair? A chair.

What do you want a chair for? I don't
know, mate. The state we were in, it

should have been a stretcher.

The point is, it's here, in this house.

Well, where did we get it from? It
didn't say.

What's the matter with this tea?

Oh, I just put coffee in with the tea
bag.

We have got to remember where we got
that chair from and take it straight

Well, for goodness sake, let's try and
retrace your movements.

Now, you started with the Boy Scouts.
Yes, in the hair and hands.

And what happened then?

I woke up in my suit and he woke up in
the chip pan.

Remember something in between?

Wait a minute.

The Columbo Club.

That's the gambling club.

Is it?

Oh, well, we can rule that out from the
start, can't we? Straight out. Well,

gambling, we wouldn't go near a gambling
club. Well, let's see if you brought

any more souvenirs home, like
bookmatches or something. That's a good

I'll do it.

The Flamingo Club.

Topless waitresses. That's a trip.

Thank you very much.

Well, this isn't getting us anywhere.
Come and look at the chair, Trevor.

gone.

What, again?

Perhaps somebody's stolen it.

Who would be potty enough to steal a
chair?

We've been through all that, Sid.

Now, maybe one of the kids has moved it
upstairs.

I'll go and see.

See if I can jog your memory.

What's this, then?

Another little memento we brought home
last night. Where did he get it from?

Well, it speaks for itself, doesn't it?

Here, that makes the set.

Hang on.

We've drawn off the treble, huh?

Are

these

yours, sir?

Yes, yes, they're mine.

And my wife's.

And is this yours, too, sir?

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes. That's ours, officer, yes.

It needs a new bottom. Excuse me. Seat.

The magic artist's daughter falls to
chairs, sir.

Yeah, well, we already explained that,
you see. We accidentally took it to the

wrong place.

I'll say one thing for you, kid, sir.
What's that?

They're more convincing than their
father.

Thank you very much.

James! What is it?

The phantom chair's come back.

We were only trying to help you, Daddy.
Yes, straight into the nick. Open the

door.

I'll have to burn the bloody thing.

Ah, Mr Abbott, your son at home.

No, he's out. Oh, it's a pity. It's
important.

Is it?

Well, he's apologised to the police.

Police? Yes, he said he's very sorry and
he'll never do it again.

I don't know what he's done to upset the
police, but I want to buy one of his

models. You do? Yes, you know, his
models are full of spiritual fulfilment

material aspect.

Are they? Yes.

Which one do you fancy, then? A love on
a what's -it.

Yes, hang on. Mike! Yeah?

Mr Crawford's here. Bring down love on
a... What's it? Right. Come in, Mr

Crawford. Thank you.

He's got another cracker up there, you
know. It's an old bicycle wheel with

barbed wire all over it. He calls it
frontal nude protesting.

Do you see that one? Yes, yes. Do you
like it? No. No?

Reminds me too much of the wife.

There you go.

Oh, that's it.

Oh, full of spiritual fulfillment, that.

Ingenious, ingenious.

That's my exercise wheel.

Half a stone I've put on since he
pinched you.

£50. No, no, £7 is half a stone.

£50? Money?

£50. I accept.

Wait a minute.

You'd give him 50 quid for that?

All right, 75.

I accept.

Wait a minute.

You give him £75, you must be raving
mad, giving him £75 for that cheese.

only worth ten.

All right, ten.

Done.

That's the way I like to do business.
I'm not surprised.

Mr Crawford. Oi.

Thanks a lot, Dad. It's all right, son.

One for you, one for me.

By the way, there is one little other
favour you could do for me. Yes, what?

Well, on Thursday week, I'm organising
the local police ball, and if you'd like

to donate a little something for the
tombola... Police ball? Yeah. Hang on.

I should get a few tickets.

Hello.

Hello. See you.

Yes.

Well, nobody would ever recognise that
now.

You've completely ruined it, Dad. Oh,
don't be ridiculous. I've given her a

personality. Yeah, well, I dug its old
personality.

And if you hadn't goofed up my scene
with Mr Crawford, I'd have had 75 quid.

I'd have willingly given you a fiver for
that chair for me bedroom.

Yeah, we'd have been right back where we
started. A stolen chair in the house.

Whereas now... We've got a painted
stolen chair in the house.

Very good.

Hang on, hang on.

Listen, come here. What? Betty, he's
back home.

I wouldn't brag about it. Your luck's
run out.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Before she
left, she bought something.

What? A chair.

Chair? The chair.

The chair? Yeah. You must have stuck it
round my place, put it round here, and

there you are. So, if you don't mind,
all I'll do is pick it up and all that.

I'll bring it round in the morning. Why?
Well, I want to polish it up for you.

Oh, let me say that.

Oh,

my God.

quaint.

Thank you.