All language subtitles for Bless This House s01e11 If The Dog Collar Fits Wear It

No, of course not. You've only been at
it an hour and a half.

Shall I take you next door and see if
Trevor can do it?

How can I possibly mend it with this?

That's my best bread knife.

Where's my blummin' screwdriver gone?

You should put your things away.

I did put it away.

Where's it, blummin' dog?

Mike?

Where's your dead screwdriver?

I've got it. I'm using it.

Well, bring it here.

Here you go.

Look what he's done to that bloomin'
thing.

I told you, you should hide your things.
You should lock them away.

The only way to hide my things is to
lock him away.

Look at the mess you made of that. Look
at it. Here, wipe it.

That's one of my best handkerchiefs.
Hasn't he got anything of his own?

Oh, come on, Dad. It's only a grotty old
handkerchief and a grotty old

screwdriver. That's right.

And put both of them together, it cost
me a grotty old knicker.

cost you a lot more to buy him a set of
tools of his own. What for, to encourage

this rubbish?

What is it?

It's a self -portrait.

Self -portrait?

Yeah.

Yes, yes, I can see the likeness.

There you go.

It's not finished yet, Dad.

Like, I've got to change the facial
expression. It's a bit melancholy, don't

think? Melancholy? Yeah.

Yes. Hang on.

Wait a minute.

Ah,

you look better already.

Hey, Dad, you really know where it's at.
That is great, absolutely great.

Great? Yeah, it sort of gives me a three
-dimensional look.

Yeah, well, that's what I had in mind
when I did it, isn't it? Well, there you

go. Look, I've got another one upstairs.

I'll bring it down. You can help me with
that.

Oi. Mark. Take it with you.

No, just stand here. Whistle. It'll
follow you.

Where's the iron?

It's... It's not working.

I still think there's something strange
about that boy about.

Isn't that just like you?

Fascinating the children.

Your son's doing something healthy and
creative.

Your daughter's out helping the old age
pensioners. They never cause us any

trouble. Wait a minute. What did you say
Sally was doing?

She's out with some school friends
helping the old age pensioners.

Oh, that's nice.

That's a nice thing to do.

Anybody in?

Hello, darling.

Clear that mess away, Sid. I'll get
dinner ready.

Just in time. Dinner's nearly ready.

Hello, Mummy.

Hello, Daddy.

Hello.

It's ever so nice to be home.

I always look forward to coming home.

Oh, Sid, isn't that sweet?

Yes, yes.

Very sweet, that is, yes.

Now, how many children would come home
and say a lovely thing like that?

Not many.

Isn't it surprising? I mean, doesn't it
make you feel everything's all been

worthwhile? Yes, it does, definitely.

I think they're a credit to both of us.

You did right.

We got a couple of wonderful kids here,
and we want to be very proud of them.

What have you done?

Done?

Nothing. Nothing?

You stood there like that when you left
the Christmas pudding on the bus.

I haven't been on the bus.

I've got Fred with me.

Who's Fred?

A friend.

Oh, is that all? There's nothing to
worry about.

She brought a friend home with her.

Don't leave him standing there, dear.

I've got another plate for him. Oh, no,
Mummy, you needn't do that.

Oh, it's no trouble, darling.

Where is he?

until I see him, will I? Come on.

But, Daddy, if you don't like him, you
will tell me, won't you? Well, of course

I'll like him. If you like him, I'll
like him. Come on.

Come in, Fred.

You're quite right. I doubt like him.

Do stop mooching.

out mooching about. I want to watch the
telly. Well, you can't watch the telly.

Fred doesn't like the noise.

Shove some cotton wool in his ear holes.

Oh, look at him, Sid.

Fancy the council not letting the old
man keep him in his flax.

Who's going to take him out? That's what
I want to know.

Sally. And house train him and groom
him. Mike. And feed him. Me.

And who's going to pay the bills for the
butcher, the vet and the postman's

trousers? You've done nothing but moan
for two hours.

All the poor little thing's done is
sleep.

Sleep, wet and yap.

When Trevor was here, he lolled all over
him like a leaky hot water bottle.

It's only excitement.

Good thing we don't all do that when we
get excited.

There you go.

What's that?

I'll build him a kennel. We'll take it
outside.

It's cold outside.

And it's crowded inside.

God, blimey, I've already got a
goldfish, a tortoise and a budgie to

Yeah, but they're not real pets, are
they, Dad? Like, you wouldn't know you'd

really got them. Like, that's why we got
them.

But a dog's different. Yeah, very.
They're much bigger.

Every family should have a dog, if only
to protect the house.

Do you remember the last dog we had in
here? I'm the only bloke you wouldn't

in.

You were heartbroken when that dog died.

You didn't go to the Heron house for an
entire week. You even cried, Daddy. I

did not cry.

I had a fever.

In December?

Well, I always get it from the
mistletoe.

Oh, well, listen.

If Sally's having a dog, I want another
hamster. Why not?

Yes, why not? Here, I tell you what, why
don't you both go down to the pet shop?

They've got a couple of monkeys in the
window.

Got a couple here as well.

Animals are lovely things to have around
the house, Daddy. Of course they are.

Bring them all in.

I'll get myself a zookeeper's hat, a
bunch of keys, and we'll open up every

Sunday.

Get him off my seat.

Perhaps he's used to sleeping on a sofa.

Where am I going to sit in his kennel?

Come on, get off.

Now, don't raise your voice.

You'll make him nervous. I'm raising my
voice because he's making me nervous.

Look, I've got to split. I'm going to be
late for my meeting.

What about him?

Hang on, Mike. I'll come with you. Oi,
oi, oi, oi, oi.

What about him?

Oh, he'll be all right, Daddy. Just give
him his hot milk at ten o 'clock and

you can give him his cod liver oil
before he goes to sleep.

Before he goes to sleep?

After you've taken him for a walk. Bye.

They've gone.

Yes, Dad. And they've left him. Yes.

That means I can't stay in because he's
got to go out.

If you're going to spend the entire
night being awkward, I'm going to bed to

read.

And I'm coming with you.

I'm going with her. And if you need
anybody to talk to, there's a budgie in

kitchen.

That's him.

Jane.

What? The dog wants you.

I told you what would happen if he
wasn't taken out.

Oh, blimey. Mike! Sorry!

It's no good calling then. They won't be
in yet.

All this fuss over a little dog.

Little dog?

Sounds like a bloody coyote to me.

Better let him into the garden, I
suppose.

That's right. He'll frighten all the
squirrels to death.

little creature.

He's not very pretty, is he?

All dogs are beautiful.

Beautiful? Have you had a good look at
him? His mother must have been a

And his father?

God only knows how many fathers he must
have had.

Well, looks aren't everything.

Look at the affection he gives you.

You call that affection?

He fetches me slippers when I'm still
wearing them.

What she doesn't go on the tortoise.

Oh, my God, who can that be this time of
the month?

Hello. Sid, it's Trev.

Yes, Trev.

Look, Sid, I don't want to worry you,
but until you take that thing of yours

I can't let mine out.

Well, we got a fence, haven't we?

We did have.

Don't tell me he's demolished it.

Demolished it? He's buried it.

Oh, blimey.

I think you must fancy my fee -fee. I
mean, we can't mix the breeds, can we,

Sid? I mean, if those two get
together... I could end up with half a

-haired rejects.

Oh, I'll go and fix him then.

See you next time.

See you now.

See you now. He's not even good enough
for Trev's scruffy old spaniel.

Hello, Daddy. We're back and I've let
Fred in. Oh, thank you. Good night, Dad.

Before I forget, if he's going out into
the garden, we'll have to move the

compost heap.

It's been moved. It's here.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. That's settled. He's got to go.

Go? That's right. G -O, go.

But he's Sally's.

All our pets are Sally's. The goldfish,
the tortoise, the budgie, and now

there's mobile manure heap.

Now, how can you resist those big
pleading eyes?

I'm used to big pleading eyes. You got
them and Sally's got them.

Well, you... You want to get rid of him,
you get rid of him. I will get rid of

him, and you can explain it to Sally.

Oh, no.

You get rid of him, and you explain it
to Sally. All right, I'll get rid of

and I'll explain it to Sally.

No, she didn't cut it out, darling.

She's now too tired.

Now, Fred, there's something I've got to
tell you.

We had a long talk about it last night,
my wife and I, and we decided, or

rather, she made it my mind that I'd be
the one to tell you.

The dog's just got to go.

Oh, come on, Mum, don't get so uptight
about it. We've only had him five

minutes. Oh, I'll be all right.

It's just the thought of the dog's home
that upsets me.

You see, it's nothing personal, really.
I'll give you a very good reference, and

you can take your chocolate -flavoured
bone with you, and then every Sunday...

Here's your coffee.

Thank you.

You told Sally yet? No, she'll be down
in a minute.

Going to put your black cap on?

Now, just a minute.

This is not a pleasant job, you know.

Why are you doing it, then? Because my
one pleasure in life is taking little

dogs away from little girls.

For the last 20 years, I've tried to
understand you lot.

Now, if you wouldn't mind straining
yourselves just for 20 minutes, try to

understand me.

I understand you, Dad. You do?

Yeah, you're a drag.

I'll drag you all over the back lawn in
a minute.

It's fantastic. I mean, a little scruffy
mongrel comes into the house and the

whole family unites against me. I can't
understand you, how one man can get so

hung up about a pretty little dog.

I've got nothing against dogs.

I love them. I had one myself when I was
a boy.

Ah, so your father didn't do what you're
doing, did he? Oh, no, but he didn't

have my strength of character, did he? I
mean, my father wasn't a boss in his

house. The dog was.

I mean, in any case, in those days we
had proper dogs.

Nowadays, they behave like... animals.

Aren't you getting your speeches mixed
up a bit, Sid?

That's the one you usually reserve for
the kids of today.

Excuse me.

I don't only reserve it for the kids of
today, I reserve it for dogs as well.

Sadist. I don't care what you call me.
Sticks and stones.

I've made up my mind.

That dog is definitely about...

Two years old, I would say.

18 months, actually, Daddy.

Mummy said you wanted to see me.

Yes, well, I'll come straight to the
point. I won't beat about the bush.

How are you? Well, now that you have
avoided the point and beaten about the

bush, I'm fine.

That's good.

You look well, too.

That's pretty dress.

Daddy, what did you want?

Well, it was about him, Fred.

What about him? Well, he's a magnificent
beast, isn't he?

He's got a great pair of lungs.

He loves you, Daddy.

I can tell.

Yes, well, it's a funny word, love. It's
related to the word hate. You've heard

of love -hate relationships, haven't
you? Oh, yes.

It happens all the time between parents
and children.

Yes, well, that's the kind of
relationship we got going.

He loves me, and I hate him.

Daddy!

Don't get me wrong. It wasn't easy to
hate him. I mean, he had to work very

at it.

All night.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, Daddy. It
won't happen again. He can sleep in my

in future.

Yes, and there is a little matter of
feeding him.

I've decided to give up half my pocket
money to pay for his food.

You won't have much left, will you? I
mean, who's going to pay for your odds

ends? I might as well give him the
pocket money.

Would you really, Daddy?

Oh, God, no.

It's not only the cost I'm not talking
about. It's the extra work for your

mother. I mean, there's his basin to
wash.

What, one little basin?

Well, it's not only the basin, is it? I
mean, all that scraping the gravy off

the walls takes a lot of time, you know.

I'll do it. You'll do it.

And what about the grooming?

Now, I know Mike's supposed to do that,
but basically he can't even groom

himself. I'll do that too.

And where will you find the time?

I've worked it all out. I realise that
when you've got a dog, you've got to

sacrifices. So I'm sacrificing my
homework to do all these things.

I'll bet that'll upset you.

See, what I wanted to say was, you see,
I'm going to take him somewhere, you

see. It's a nice place. He'll meet all
his friends there.

Oh, Daddy, you love him more than I do.

Look at you. You can't wait to take him
out.

Can I? Hang on. I'll get his lead.

What are you looking at?

You won't get round me, mate. I wasn't
afraid to tell you, and I'm surely not

afraid to tell her.

Here you are, Daddy.

He's all yours.

Thank you.

Here's an umbrella.

It's raining.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Fred might get wet.

Sid, what are you going on about? If you
want to get rid of the dog, get rid of

him. What I want to do is get him... I
want to get him in with a good family.

You think you know anybody who might
take him?

Oh, well, I mean, that depends how much
you're willing to pay him, isn't it,

Sid? Pay him? I'm giving him away.

Well, no one's going to take a funny
-looking thing like that.

Funny? What's funny about him? Well,
he's neither one thing nor the other, is

he? Well, is he? I mean, his mother
could have been a mountain goat.

He's a hell of a lot better looking than
that scruffy bloomin' Spaniel of yours.

Fifi is very highly bred.

Oh, brother, that's good.

Mike's sheepskin coat's got a better
pedigree.

Pedigree? Look at his ears for a start
-off. What's the matter with his ears?

Well, they don't match, do they?

What about your Fifi's ears?

What about them? They dangle in the
bloody mud, don't they, mate?

Very funny.

Now, look, you take me for a drink, all
right? Yes, all right, come on. Oh,

blimey, what a scruffy -looking hound.

He's not a scruffy -looking hound.

That is a very rare pedigree... mongrel.

You've changed your tune, haven't you?
Why don't you keep him, then? Keep him?

Who said anything about not keeping him?
Come on, Freddie.

Come on, son.

I don't believe it.

Daddy wouldn't do such a thing.

Well, it won't be easy for him, dear.

And he's been very tolerant about your
pet.

I mean, when you were small, he couldn't
even get the car in the garage for

white mice.

Hello, you two. Back from the dog's home
yet?

Michael! Oh, boy, a family rave -up.
You're just like your father.

Heartless. You're right, Sally.

What was I sticking up for him for? He
told Sally he was taking Fred for a

Hadn't even got the guts to tell her he
was taking him to that place.

Oh, come on, I don't believe you two.

Any minute now, he'll walk through that
door, dragging little Fred behind him.

I'll put my beads on it.

It's no good. They're never going to
believe it.

Well, you'll just have to tell them the
truth, won't you? We were in a pub, and

you looked down, and there he was.

Gone.

Well, it's your blooming false shack in
Dog's Home all over the place.

He's probably gone for a blooming
suitcase or something.

Oh, well, it's no good to worry then, is
that?

What do you mean, it's no good to worry?
Well, he's bound to come back, isn't

he? What makes you think he will?

Oh, to pack.

Sorry,

Sif.

I said, do you still want me to come in
and back you up? Oh, thank you very

much, Trev. They're only suspicious of
me, but of you they're dead certain,

mate. I'll try then, Sid.

Well, now, I don't want you to worry,
cos you know where I am, if you get in

doghouse.

Sorry,

Sid.

Come on, Sal, you've still got the
tortoise and the budgie and the

But you can't cuddle them.

Morning. It's nine o 'clock, Dad.

Evening.

Where's Fred?

Who? The dog, man, the dog.

Oh, Fred.

Oh, you mean the dog, Fred.

That poor little creature that only last
night was sitting curled up on that

sofa.

As a matter of fact, I was just saying
to Trevor how easy it is to lose things

like keys and wallets.

Umbrellas. Umbrellas.

Dogs.

and I bent down to pat him, you see, and
to use your language, he'd split.

Split? Yes, gone, left.

You've no need to lie, Daddy.

Mummy's told me all about it. I know
where he is. But I keep telling you I've

lost him.

On purpose.

It's about the worst thing you've ever
done, Dad. Worst thing I ever did was

lumbered with you lot.

I suppose he unfastened his own collar.

Well, look at it, it's still done up. He
must have wriggled out of it or

something. I'm telling you, I looked
down and I got the shock of my life.

He turned into an empty collar in a
puddle.

So I'm married to a dog dumper now, am
I? It might interest you to know that we

got up a posse from the hair and hands.

I can just imagine it.

Fifty drunks running loose on Clapham
Common.

I'm telling you, Trouble and I went
miles and blimmin' miles dangling fifi

all the doorways.

I don't believe you, Daddy.

Oh, Flo, you don't think I'm the sort of
man that would take a little dog to a

quiet place, undo his collar, tell him
to fetch the ball and then scarper?

You don't seriously think I'm that... I
think I'll go to my room, Dad.

I'm going up to my room as well. I don't
want any supper, Mummy.

Oh, Sally.

Randy Sandy was right.

You just can't trust men. Oh, blimey.

I'll get it. I must try to carry on as
usual.

As I was saying, I'm... Don't talk to
me.

Well, I've got to talk to somebody,
haven't I?

I'm telling you, I was standing there
having a drink with my dog.

Find someone else to tell your life to.

You know what an animal lover I am,
don't you?

Look at all the gear I bought you. The
bell, the mirror, the non -slip perch.

Why don't you have a word with the
goldfish?

Maybe the goldfish will believe you.

It's all right, Mr Stanton. I
understand.

Oh, Mr Stanton, I'm very happy for you.

Goodbye.

I think it's despicable and unmanly. And
I, for one, will never look at you

again without seeing that poor un...
unwanted, unloved little dog. Mummy,

me. Just a minute, Sally. These things
have got to be said. Mummy.

Now, I shall try my best to forgive you,
but I don't think it's possible. But,

Mummy. Will you stop interrupting your
mother? And what about the neighbours?

I'll have to lie to them, I suppose, or
move.

Excuse me.

Daddy.

Well, I feel better now I've got that
off my chest. Mummy, I've been trying to

tell you.

I'm telling the truth.

Mr. Stanton phoned, Fred had run away,
and he's gone back home.

I feel terrible now I've got that off my
chest.

And do you know something?

I think Daddy really loves that dog.

So how are we going to tell him that Mr.
Stanton's keeping it?

Keeping it?

Yes. He's going to live with his sister,
and she says that he can keep it.

I suppose it's a good idea, really.

Excuse me, I'm going to the Hare and
Hounds. What for?

You remember when we lost a budgie, we
left his...

The cage out in the garden? Yes.

I'm going to hang this behind the bar.

Darling.

Me? Yes, of course you. Who else?

Daddy.

Dear Daddy.

Dear Daddy.

I know. They've gone out and bought
those blooming monkeys, haven't they?

That's no blimmin' good to counsel and
sling him out again.

I'm not having that.

Where's his lead? Oh, I've got it.

Daddy! Daddy!

All right, Freddy boy? Daddy!

Daddy!

I've got something to tell you. Oh, what
is it? Hurry up. Well, when Mr. Stanton

phoned, he said that he was going to
live with his sister. Yes. And she says

that he can keep Fred.

Well, he would be better off there,
really, wouldn't he? Oh, yes, I suppose

would.

Oh,

blimey!

Couldn't you just buy one?

One for you, Dad. Oh, sure.