Original subtitles

VTR 3981, part one, take one.

exercises now?

Can you hear me now?

Yes.

Get up.

I'm lying in.

Lying in? You're hibernating.

It's Saturday.

And if you don't get up soon, it'll be Sunday.

I like to lie in on a Saturday.

You should set an example for the children.

You'll have me going to church next.

What a good idea.

Why don't I keep my blooming mouth shut?

All right, I'm up.

And make sure you stay up.

Are you suggesting that the minute you close that door, I'm going to leap back

into this bed?

Yes. Well, in that case, I might as well get stuck.

Oh, no, you don't. You're going to get up and come downstairs like the rest of

us.

Morning, Sally.

I said good morning, Sally.

You won't get any sense out of her. There's a new hymn.

Another new hymn?

That reminds me, church.

Well, don't tell me she's going out with a vicar.

No, Sid.

No, we were saying that she had a new hymn.

Hymn, hymn, church.

Oh, blimey.

I think we should all go there tomorrow.

Oh, that's a good idea, Mummy.

You sure she's not going out with a vicar?

Don't change the subject.

All right, you go to church if you like.

But the Bible says it's a day of rest, and I'm sticking with it. You should go

to church, Daddy. You'd learn a lot about religion.

I know all there is to know about religion.

Oh, that'll be the day. I do. I've studied it.

All right, then. Let's hear it. All right.

First, we got Adam and Eve, right?

Right. And they had Cain and Abel. Begat.

Pardon? Adam and Eve begat Cain and Abel. They begatted in those days,

Well, whether they Adam or begatted them, they got them.

That makes four, right?

All right, go on. Then Cain has a punch -up with Abel and does him in. That

leaves three.

Morning, Mum. Morning, Dad. Just sit down and listen to this. Then what

Well, I don't know. You tell us.

Cain went into the wilderness and took himself a wife.

Where did she come from? I don't know.

Go on, tell me. Where did she come from?

Perhaps she was just there having a wander in the wilderness.

Lucky old Cain.

I hate to be like you, cynical.

He won't be so cynical when it's time for him to go. I'll worry about that

I do go.

And on that jolly note, I'm taking orders for breakfast.

Sid?

Well, I'll have some bacon, two eggs, fried bread, a couple of sausages,

tomatoes, toasted marmalade.

By the time I've finished cooking that lot, I'll be serving lunch.

No, I need a big breakfast.

All right. And you, Mike? I want the same as Dad, only I don't want it.

You want the same as me, only you don't want it. There you go. What are you

talking about?

I am going on a hunger protest.

Oh, good. What's upset you now?

The whole world.

You know that generation gap they're always on about? Between his ears.

Seriously?

Seriously? You?

Seriously? Yeah, listen, you know those rallies in Trafalgar Square where

everybody goes round and eats bread and water and they give the money they would

have spent on lunch to Oxfam?

I see Chelsea got beat again.

Oh, you're just not interested, are you?

Who was all that about?

The members of Mike's action group have agreed to live on bread and water for

the whole weekend. And they're going to give the money they would have spent on

food to charity.

What do you mean the money he would have spent on food? Your mother buys the

food. That's right.

That means it's me that's keeping you starving millions.

Well, in a way, yes.

But Mike's helping, dear. I mean, he's doing without his meals.

I'm not having it. It's a load of rubbish. He's going to waste away. I

he gets any thinner with his hair like that, he'll look more like a mop than he

does now.

I am sorry you're taking that attitude, Dad, especially after the way you

brought me up.

Do you understand this, or was it just me?

Oh, I'm keeping out of this.

That'll make a nice change.

What are you talking about, the way I brought you up? As a Christian.

Did I?

Well, you sent me to Sunday school.

Well, that was only to get you out of the house so I could see the big

piece.

Well, that is where I learnt the guiding rule of life.

Love thy neighbour.

Tell him about our neighbours.

I tell... I told you I don't want to get involved.

You're a big help. Look, if you're so serious about this, I'll put a quid

towards it. You've missed the whole point of it, Dad. It's a question of

-denial. I'm denying myself the money. It's enough, isn't it?

Oh, you've missed the whole principle of it.

Anyway, you haven't got the willpower.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

My son says I've got no principles, but my wife says I've got no willpower.

Well, you haven't.

Haven't I?

You're looking at a man who once gave up smoking.

Yes, for eight hours.

Because you lost your pipe.

All right.

I'll show you. I've got willpower and I've got principles.

I will do it. I will live on bread and water for the whole weekend.

Right.

There's your breakfast.

I suppose I gave up smoking for the weekend instead. I could save a lot more

tobacco. Daddy?

Well, it's all very well. I mean, sitting here faced by a Wormwood scrub

while you and your mother are noshing away.

I've decided to join you. After all, I've nothing to lose except my

Ah, what?

How about Sally?

Oh, no, she's a growing girl.

She's at school. She needs her nourishment.

What do you want for breakfast, dear? Nothing, thank you.

Don't tell me you're coming in with us. No, Daddy, I'm not.

Well, the only other reason could be you must be in love again. I haven't been

in love for almost a fortnight.

It is murder, isn't it? The way time flies when you're getting old.

Who is it this time?

Bernard. Oh, Bernard, up you've done a newsagent. Where's he taking you? To a

jazz club.

No. Oh, Daddy, I promise I'll be in by midnight. No.

Oh, I'll be all right. I'm in a foursome. I don't trust foursomes

That's since he saw Bob and Carol and Ted and Ali. Oh, come on, Daddy.

You can trust me. After all, you brought me up to be a good girl. You taught me

to believe that... Oh, let it go, Sid.

Blimey, all right. On two conditions. One, that you're definitely in by

midnight, and the other one, that you put your breakfast money on the table.

Hi, Daddy.

Because while you're out raving it up, your mother, your brother and me will be

sitting here up in a starving million, starving.

Right, Sally, you in on this?

The way I feel about Bernard at the moment, I couldn't eat a thing.

All right, we won't charge you. Now, just add up what the rest of us are

to have. I was going to have some bacon.

Hey, don't tell me you're in on it. Yes, I'm in on it. That's nice, man. It's

really together. I'm so pleased to see you. Well, don't call me hysterical.

What's the matter with you?

Right. at 20 new pence a packet, eight rashes to a packet, you'd have three,

that's seven and a half new pence. Never mind about the foreign currency, do it

in English.

No!

That's two eggs at five pence, that makes ten pence. That's four new pence.

that's eleven and a half. Now, your tomatoes at 15 new pence a pound, you'd

two, call it four new pence.

Four new pence? How much four new pence? Then your sausages, 20 new pence a

pound, eight in a pound, that's five.

Your fried bread, say a tiddler. Two slices of toast, one. A cup of tea. How

much is a cup of tea? Say one.

Marmalade, the way you dollop it on, one and a half.

And butter, you can have the butter for nothing.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't want any charity.

I'll get a tiddler.

Right.

How much does that come to then? About three bucks?

25 new pence, five shillings.

You're joking.

And I was going to have the same, Dad.

50 new pence, ten shillings.

So when you add yours on, it comes to 15 bob and 75 new pence. That's right,

dear.

And when Sally's not in love, it's a pound of breakfast.

That's right, dear.

Seven pounds a week for breakfast?

Well, it's Saturday.

It's not usually as expensive as this. Say, five pounds a week.

Well, even five pounds is ridiculous. You're going to the wrong shops.

And which, might I ask, are the right shops? Well, there's the supermarket in

Church Street. No.

I've got all that cut price stuff.

And what happened when I sent you there shopping? What did you come back with?

Only what was on the list.

Plus a two -gallon tin of mustard.

That was a special offer.

And a huge Bavarian cheese, a 15 -shilling LP of Valdunigan, and 17

dog shampoo.

So? We haven't got a dog.

Well, it won't be wasted, will it?

I'll get some money, Mike.

What about yours?

Can you let me try Bob?

Oh.

At least let me have the pleasure of putting it in.

Right. Well,

at least that shows you the price of food these days.

You're very lucky the way I manage on the little you give me.

Little?

I put it up to 15 quid a week.

That was five years ago.

Well, I just can't afford to give you any more.

You could if you stopped smoking and drinking.

Well, if that's the way you want it, you can have your divorce.

I don't want a divorce about a silly thing like this.

If I stop smoking and drinking, you will.

I'm going to the shops.

Just make sure you go to the right ones. Finish your breakfast.

You and your blimmin' missionary work.

You started a tribal war.

All ganging up on me and I've got to fight back on an empty stomach.

I'm sorry.

Finish your breakfast.

39 hours to go.

I'm not hungry.

I'm going to Trevor's next door.

Why am I going to the shop? Nobody's eating.

Where's your father gone? Gone round to see Trev.

I don't trust him.

Can I come in?

Yeah. Yeah, come on in.

Betty's out shopping.

Do you fancy a bite and sandwich? No, thanks. I've had my breakfast. Bread and

water.

Bread and water?

Yes. Oh, there you are.

She's found out then, hasn't she?

Found out?

Jean.

About that bird you pick up every morning.

Oh, blimey, there's nothing in that. I only give her a lift to the office,

that's all.

Yeah, but you haven't told Jean, have you? Oh, no. I mean, you know what,

I can only think the worst.

Well, do you mean it's all innocent?

Well, you know it's innocent.

Oh, blimey. Jean must have put bromide in your cocoa soup.

I mean, how can you sit next to those legs and not fancy it?

I didn't say I didn't fancy it.

Four times I nearly put her knee in gear.

Hey, Sid, I saw her the other day wearing her hot pants.

Don't remind me. I drove half a mile along the pavement that morning.

Here, I'll stick this on the table, will you, Sid?

So, uh...

Why are you in the doghouse, then? I'm not in the doghouse. We're starving for

Oxfam. Oh.

Oh, I see.

Money in the box and bread and water, all that kind of stuff. That's it, yeah.

Blimey, I couldn't do it, you know.

I don't think I can do it either.

Mind you, if I had a mate living right next door, a good mate who had pity on

me, I could nip in occasionally for a side of beef or something.

Oh, any time you like, sir.

Any time?

Yeah. Now.

It's all right, I've got my own bread.

Have a good tuck in.

One banger? Yeah.

Go on, make a piggy of yourself.

Look at that.

It's like a blooming dream, isn't it?

Sidney!

I, uh... I, uh... He's just admiring Trevor's sandwich.

Yeah, he likes the way I make them. I mean, it's a work of art, that sandwich,

isn't it? Look at it. It's like an oil painting, isn't it?

I heard you. There'll be no slipping around here for crafty bites.

You'll do like the rest of us.

So good I can't sleep.

I'm starving.

I'm having visions.

I can see a steak about that big.

About that thick.

Stacks and stacks of crisp golden chips.

Fried tomatoes, onions.

Couple of pounds of mushrooms.

And a blancmange.

A blancmange? Yes, a bloody great pink lovely blancmange.

Shaped like a bunny.

Oh, don't torture yourself, Ben.

I start on his tail and his head and I get a whole tin of golden syrup and pour

it all over the middle. And then I shove my face right in it.

Will you stop talking about food?

And stop biting your nails. I'm hungry.

Twelve hours without eating and you're reduced to cannibalism.

Now go to sleep.

I can't. It's back.

What is?

The bunny.

Well, for goodness sake, think about something else.

Chew it, Pudding.

Oh, go to sleep.

With treacle.

Sid. I can't stand it. I can't stand it any longer.

You're not giving up already.

I am going to the bathroom.

What for?

I've been drinking gallons of water.

the kitchen for a crafty nibble. That's more than I'm likely to get up here.

I'm only taking half of tomorrow's ration. I'll eat the rest in the

okay?

Sidney, what are you doing down there?

What are you doing out here?

Getting wet.

I see.

Sidney?

I only came down to take half of tomorrow's ration.

I was going to eat this, but it changed me mind.

You believe me, don't you? Yeah, of course.

Do you believe me?

Yes, of course.

So neither of us is guilty, then? No.

No? Then what the hell are we doing out here?

What on earth are you two doing out there?

I just said that.

Well, come in.

Sidney Abbott, you can't be trusted for a minute.

Well, I just wanted to see if I could resist it once I'd cut it.

Well, I couldn't sleep, you know that, so I just decided to come down here

and... Oh.

And that's the truth.

We might have got to look at the blooming thing to see I haven't had one

off that.

Right.

We'll see if it fits.

What?

There's a gap.

Let me have a gap.

That's funny.

Perhaps it shrunk.

That's because it's been out in the rain.

That's it, it's been out in the rain.

Either that or the mice have learned to use the cake knife.

Oh, now, don't be ridiculous.

Oh,

blimey, it's here. Look, you see?

Well, I was hungry.

We're all hungry.

But we haven't given in, have we?

We haven't. We've still kept our word with the starving millions.

I forgot you were still on that thing. Well, we are, and it doesn't help

watching you step in your place.

Oh, let's all go to bed. I'm exhausted.

What's the time?

Five to twelve.

I'll stay down here and have a read.

You're soaking wet.

No, I'll dry off later. I like it like this. It's cool. All right. Good night,

dear. Good night.

I stick out.

You say one word, you'll have no feathers.

That's all that messing about last night. I feel as if I've had no sleep at

That's a fruttony bit.

Well, I was only going to have bread and water anyway.

Sit.

I wish you wouldn't all keep staring

at me.

Wasn't my fault I didn't join in your plan?

She's a growing girl.

She needs her eggs and fried bread and toast and marmalade.

Couldn't you fall in love again or something?

You can't just fall in and out of love like that.

Well, you could try.

Stop you eating.

Pour and threaten down the drain you've got there.

Everybody's getting at me.

Yeah. All right, then. When I finish this lot, I'll join in your silly game.

Good.

Don't take such big mouthfuls.

You're not leaving that.

40 now with 45 minutes to go. And then?

And then, at midnight, we sit down and have our Sunday lunch.

What time is it?

Five to twelve.

Over to the newsroom for the 9 o 'clock news.

Thank you.