Original subtitles

VTR 3980, part one, take one.

um um

Do you mind? I'm trying to listen to this.

Oh, sorry, darling.

Hey, what a queue in the supermarket today. They could have done with a

warden. My order came to £5 .60. Can you imagine?

£5 .60 and there's nothing to show for it. I'm going to have to cut down on

something. How about cutting down on the chat?

I don't know what's wrong with my plants. They keep dying.

Do you think they need fertiliser?

The way you water them, I don't need fertilizer. I need life jackets.

Oh, I love this music. It's so relaxing.

I like that bit that goes boom, boom, boom, boom, and the bells come in. Dear

a favor.

This fellow, they dedicated his life to music. He's slaved in the salt mine,

starved in a garage, just so that 200 years later, music lovers like me could

enjoy all of... Shh, shh, shh. It's coming up to that bit I like.

Oh, he must have passed it.

Oh, Dad, where's the telly? Over there.

Why isn't it on? Because my record's on instead.

Oh, yeah. Hey, I did this.

It's the bit at the end where it goes... You'll get bells over your head in a

minute. Sid, you asked Billy trying to listen to music down here. Why don't you

go upstairs and listen there?

Because I find it rather difficult to amp a 300 -weight radiogram up two

flights.

Your favourite bit. How can you hear any favourite bit with that blooming head

-toaster flaming away? Do you mind?

It's hot.

Oh, well, I'll put Tchaikovsky on with the telly. Never mind about the telly.

there anyone in this house I can get a bit of peace and quiet?

Yes, Dad. It's the back lawn. I'll thump you.

If your father wants to listen to music in his own living room, he's perfectly

entitled to.

Thank you. I mean, music is lovely.

In the old days, it used to draw families together.

Thank you again.

So those who don't want to listen can go upstairs and leave the rest of us in

peace. Peace. Make a nice change.

Last time we had peach in this house was two years ago, when you all had flu.

Yeah, Dad, but if you remember, when everybody had flu...

Sally, it's none of your business.

You would dare.

He would?

He's broken it.

I had to walk all the way from Whoppy. That nymphomaniac barmaid lived in

Whoppy. Oh, you've got a one -track mind.

Sally, come away from that window.

He's been out with a nymphomaniac from Whopping.

A nympho what?

Maniac. I heard. And then he called her a big fat... That's quite enough from

you. Thank you very much. Oh, shush.

Can't you control your daughter?

Why do people always have to listen to other people's arguments?

I agree with you, Dad. It's not natural.

It's uncivilised.

Oh, blimey!

She did him with his guitar.

Oh, sounds as though it's all over.

I'm not surprised. It was a very hefty guitar.

Oh, well, back to Tchaikovsky. I don't mind about Tchaikovsky.

How can I possibly listen to a concerto with a brass band going on next door?

Oh, Dad, if that's for me, if it's Poppy, yes. If it's Brendan, no. And if

Carol, tell her I'll pay her next week. Oh, blimey, yes. And if it's Geoffrey

for me, yes. If it's David, no. And if it's Aubrey, tell him to try Randy

How did she get that name?

Well, when she was about 40... Don't bother, don't bother.

Hang on a minute.

We'll never know. I think I'm going to split. I'll see you.

I wish you'd stop using that expression.

Sounds so blooming painful.

Is the kettle on?

Yes.

My mother bought us that!

They're off again.

What do you mean, she's off again?

Oh, that's right. Blame Betty. You know very well it's got to be Trevor's fault.

Why's it got to be Trevor's fault?

Well, it's obvious. He spends most of his time in the Hare and Hound.

Well, that's ridiculous. He only goes when I go.

That's what I mean. He spends most of his time in the Hare and Hound.

Oh, bye.

Two little evenings a week. We leave there at ten.

And spend the rest of the night taking each other home.

Oh, well, we can hardly get into any trouble struggling from number 42 to

44, can we?

I mean, it's a harmless enough occupation.

And an expensive one.

Why don't you use the garden gate? We've had four new fences this year.

I still don't think it's Trevor's fault. She never stops nagging at him.

Oh, don't be silly. She's a born nagger.

Betty happens to be my friend. And Trevor happens to be mine.

She's done nothing to you.

Well, she's done plenty to him now, hasn't she?

He never takes her eyes off him. A vulture.

It's Trevor's fault. He's oversexed.

Oversexed?

He'd be lucky.

Going to bed with her must be like kipping with a frozen food cabinet.

Now you're being insulting.

You'll be using bad language, Lex, like your friend next door.

He doesn't use bad language.

Not much he doesn't. What about thingy there?

What's it got to do with him?

Trevor minded him for two weeks. Then what happened?

We handed over one pure, innocent little bird, and what did we get back?

One pornographic budgie.

You're always finding fault, just like your mother, you are.

And what's wrong with my mother?

I didn't say there was anything wrong with your mother. I just said you were

like her, that's all.

My mother is a good, kind woman who spent her whole life nursing my father.

Only because she made him ill in the first place.

I see.

That's the sort of man I'm married to.

What about my father? What is wrong with my father?

I didn't say there was anything wrong with your father. I just said you were

like him.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Well, you know your father.

I mean, it should be obvious.

What about that disgraceful business in the park with the fountain?

He was only having a bit of fun.

Fun? The police didn't think it was so funny.

I knew you'd drag that one up again.

Now, listen to me, Sidney. When we...

Oh, God, she's arrived for a drivel.

Sid.

I was wondering, could I borrow two cups?

One for me and one for Trevor. I know it sounds silly, but I think she'll run

out. Oh, of course you can, dear.

We always use plastic ones.

We prefer them. We think the tea tastes better. Yes, and they don't chip the

paintwork. When you drop them on the floor.

Accidentally? Oh, yes.

I mean, no.

Will you have a cup of tea while you're here? Oh, thanks.

I guess I mustn't stay.

Trevor doesn't like me to be away too long.

Do you want a bet?

We're like you, you know.

Devoted. Yes.

Of course, we have our little differences, but they never seem to

much. No, just a few cups and a guitar.

Sugar? Five, please.

Five? Well, I never try to cut down, you know. Trevor says he always likes a

woman with plenty of fat on her.

Well, you heard him.

He's lovely, my Trevor.

Yeah, I told you.

Good. So gentlemanly.

Never a bad word.

Always there when I need him.

Such a happy family man.

I hate him.

Of course you do, dear, don't we all?

I mean, don't we all hate somebody sometimes?

Oh, God, we're off again. If you'll excuse me.

Anyway, I've left him.

Left him?

Where have you gone?

Well, don't be silly, Sid. It's obvious where she's gone. Here.

Oh, it's obvious, all right. You can't miss her.

Here she is and here she stays.

Oh, well, in that case, I shall go for a little walk.

Where?

Well, the garage and back.

Greenhouse and back. The gate and back.

I'm not short of places to go, you know.

Not intruding, am I?

Yes. Very good, this relaxing lock.

I'm all for it.

That looks easy enough.

You kids weren't the first to think of this. It's been going on for hundreds of

years, you know that?

My father used to sit like this, you know that?

For hours and hours.

He got bandy before he was 40.

Hello, Dad.

Hello. I came in here a few minutes ago, but you weren't here at the time.

Oh, I've been exploring my inner self.

Yes? How's it getting on then? Groovy.

Toby, it's sort of a disentanglement from the trauma of one's materialistic

surroundings. You know why?

Yeah, it's sort of an inner peace.

Peace, that's a good word. I'd like to find it. It's easy, Dad.

It's easy. You just get into this position, you close your mind, and you

your tension.

Yes.

There's a fat chance in this position, I'll tell you.

I said there's a fat... Oh, my God, he's gone again.

Oi.

Oi, oi.

Ooh.

Never mind. I'll show myself out. I know the way.

I said I...

Good, they're all at it.

Anyway, Trevor said I'd look ridiculous, but I want to wear hot pants.

Really?

Well, they don't understand, dear.

Who doesn't understand?

Nothing to do with you.

You see, typical.

They think we've got nothing better to do than talk about them.

Who are you talking about, then?

They're talking about men and your mother says it's got nothing to do with

You're not a man, Daddy. You're her husband.

To bask in your mind like fish in warm waters and to bring to your face the

Elysian brightness.

To be that joy which leaps inside you.

Did you hear that one? The boy stood on the burning deck with a pound of

sausages round his neck.

Daddy, I'll have to start again now.

To wander in silence unnoticed.

you like pale smoke.

It's a love poem.

To linger beside you like pale smoke.

What did he fall in love with, a fag end?

It's a fragment of the poet's imagination.

It's the inner self. Oh, blimey, you're on about his inner self, and he's up

there about his inner regions.

Oh, I got bloomin' Lady Macbeth there weepin' all over the kitchen.

There's nowhere for me to go.

Oh, no, I'm turnin' the attic into a bloomin' bedsitter.

And go up there every night and have a freak out with me pipe and some

all short.

Another cocktail?

Yes, please.

Sugar? Yes, please.

my friend, in my own house.

Your own house? My own house.

All right, then. You can keep your blooming own house.

For Trevor, for me.

If that's what she said, you were dead right to put her in her place. Yeah.

Well, you have to, haven't you?

I mean, I'm not the sort of fella to have a woman balk me about.

Of course you're not. No. Neither am I. No. I mean, there comes a time when

you've got to decide whether you're a man or a mouse.

Certainly. Have another piece of cheese.

Oh, my God.

What happened to that?

Well, she done it with this.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm not kidding.

She ran at me.

Out that kitchen like a bloody discus thrower. What?

You see, you don't know where you are with them, do you?

Moody they are.

When they wake up in the morning, it's like little April showers.

By lunchtime, the monsoon's set in.

No, dear, not. I'll tell you one thing.

She'll come crawling back.

She always does.

She'll be here in a minute with me cocoa.

What?

No, you wouldn't give in, would you, Sid? I mean, you wouldn't drink it,

you? Never. Oh, well, that's all right, then.

Be cold by the time she gets here.

Oh, what's it going to be then, Sid?

A nice little game of chase the ace, eh?

We might as well chase something. We've got no chance with him tonight.

Women? Yeah, women.

Men. Aren't they the limit?

Phil, it's nice making up.

Every time we have an argument, Sid always woos me all over again. Trevor

too. He'll probably put some dreamy music on and...

Waltz me over to the settee like somebody out of a Noah Coward play.

Trevor will put on a pair of striped pyjamas and leap into bed like somebody

of Billy Smart Circus.

Well, I'm not giving in. Neither am I. It'll take more than dreamy music to get

me on that settee. And I'll let pyjamas put me dead off anyway.

Any minute now, Sid will be round begging for his cocoa.

Any minute now, Trevor will be round begging for his.

And it won't be cocoa.

Right, then let's have ours and drink to independence.

Oh, I forgot we've got no milk.

Oh, there's a bottle of milk still on my step.

Here, pop round and get it, Jean. If I meet Trevor, I might weaken.

What, in the porch?

Fred could be lying on the step, stark naked, with Mantovani in the background,

and I wouldn't weaken.

I don't think she's going to bring it, Cutler. Oh, OK, Sam.

You've got the milk in off the front doorstep, haven't you got a fridge?

Of course I have. She's next door.

Evening. Evening.

It's a lovely night.

Yes, if it doesn't rain.

Forecast, Dodgy.

Garden's looking lovely.

Yes, looks nice in the dark.

Bloody awful in the daylight, though.

How are you keeping?

Oh, all right, considering.

They've done their kitchen up now, haven't they?

If you like that sort of thing.

Where's your friend?

He's getting the milk in for our cocoa.

Where's yours?

He's getting the milk in for our cocoa.

That's pretty nightly you've got there.

Thank you.

My husband bought it for me.

Did he?

He knows what he's doing, doesn't he?

I'm sorry, after you.

No, after you. No, no, no, please.

Ladies first.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, well, good night.

Night. I'll give you a ring sometime.

Yes. My number's in the book.

Sid? Yes?

I'm sorry.

Me too.

When are you coming home?

When do you want me to come home?

Oh, whenever you like.

I mean, it's entirely up to you. It's not for me to say when you should come

home.

Now?

Now.

Come on, let's tell Joe.

So, you're staying, then?

Haven't we better go round and tell Jean?

Yeah, yeah, you're right. Come on, love.

Where can he have gone?

Perhaps he's popped to our house to make friends with Betty. Come on, let's go.

We can't go now.

Why not?

You never know what they might be doing.

What, in our house?

Come on, Sid. I mean, they've only just made friends.

Well, so have we.

But when two people have had an argument, they want to be together.

Close together.

Yes, well, I mean, we've got to make do with this tattie city.

And he's snogging away on our deluxe four -seater battlefield.

But they won't be long.

Won't be long? You don't know Trevor.

It's not a hobby with him, you know. It's a career.

I want my house back. You'll get your house back in half an hour.

Half an hour?

They could have six punch -ups in that time. Mum!

Dad!

What are you doing here?

We're always sleeping tonight, Dad. 44 or 42.

44? That's where we live, isn't it? It's occupied.

You don't have to tell me it's occupied. I pay the mortgage, don't I?

Trevor and Betty are there, making friends.

And, oh, boy, are they making friends.

Oh, my, Siti.

They're in the kitchen.

Can't he stay in one place?

Oh, calm yourself, Sid. You're getting too excited.

Well, of course I'm getting excited. I'm getting excited because he's getting

excited. Any minute from now, I'll be wearing my karate pyjamas.

Oh, don't be silly, Sid. They're human beings, not animals.

Animals? That's another thing. What about the budgie?

What about the budgie? Well, Blondie... his cage isn't covered up, is it?

All that going on in the kitchen?

Any minute from now he'll be acting his way through the cage having a go at the

sparrows.

I wouldn't worry, Daddy. He's used to it. I mean, his cage was in the lounge

where Mike was going out with that French girl.

Sally! Thank you.

Oh, it's life, isn't it, Dad? I mean, making up after a quarrel, it's only

natural. I do it all the time. I think it's so romantic.

I wish I would sing it all the time. How many times do I have to tell you? Now,

Sid, stop making a fuss.

What does it matter whose house they do it in? I will not allow that kind of

thing to go on in my house.

So how did we get here, Dad? You weren't supposed to hear that.

Give them ten minutes and then we'll go in.

All right.

You two go sit in the kitchen.

Oh, what a drag.

Come on in, love. Let's go. We can't go, not yet.

Why? We leave Jean and Sid in our house. We can't intrude, can we?

What? Do you mean they might be... Well, they might.

After all, they've had a quarrel, haven't they? Not on my settee, they're

Your settee? Here, my mother brought us that for our wedding festival. Oh, God,

blimey. Oh, she did.

Well, I've had there ten minutes.