Original subtitles

And if you feel you can't see from anywhere one of the sets and what's

happening, don't forget to look up at the television sets above your head.

VTR 3751, part one, take one.

I can't find my tie.

You can't find his tie.

Which one?

Which one? The maroon one.

The maroon one.

Your dad's wearing it.

Dad's wearing it.

Dad's wearing it. Dad's wearing it. It's his tie.

It's his tie.

Oh.

Sally, don't just sit there. Come and lay the table.

Can we eat now?

Certainly not. Wait till your father gets in.

Why do we always have to wait for him?

Because him is your father and him likes to eat dinner with all of us.

Typical. Hello, Mum. Dinner ready? We've got to wait for him.

Don't be cheeky and clear that table.

You all right, Michael?

Yeah, why?

You're wearing a shirt and tie.

Is that so unusual?

For you, yes.

I'm surprised you remembered how to tie one.

Your dad's late. I hope nothing's happened.

Mummy says that every night.

Oh, she's predictable, Sal.

She's a creature of habit. They're all the same, that generation.

In a rut.

Stop work, people.

Do you know, any minute now, he'll come home, and what'll he do?

Exactly the same as he does every night.

Slam the front door and shout, It's only me!

As though it could be anybody else. And he'll come in here and he'll say, Hello,

family, the worker's home. Then Mum'll come out from the kitchen and say,

dear, had a good day?

And he'll say, Murder, there must be an easier way to earn a living. Then she'll

say, Dinner's ready.

And he'll say, Good, I could eat a horse.

It's only me!

Here we go.

Hello, family, the worker's home.

Hello, dear.

Have a good day.

Murder. Must be an easy way to earn a living.

Dinner's ready.

Good.

What's the matter with you two? You forgot the horse.

What horse?

Never mind.

You all right?

Yeah, why?

You're wearing a shirt and tie.

Last time I saw you wearing a tie, it was holding your trousers up.

I thought you'd be pleased.

I am. I'm delighted.

I mean, who knows where it could lead to?

You might suddenly go mad and get your hair cut.

There you are, dear. Fruit juice.

Yep.

I really look forward to this time of day, you know that?

After a hard day's graft, there's nothing nicer than coming home, sitting

having dinner with your family.

That's a lovely thought, darling.

Aren't you eating?

No, dear, it's day two.

Day two?

Of my diet.

I'm allowed an apple and a banana for dinner, but I had the banana for

tea, so all I can have is an apple.

No dinner for me, thanks, Mum.

You want a diet as well?

No, I'm not hungry.

Not hungry? You?

The human vulture.

The original galloping gannet. Dad, I'm just not hungry.

That's for me.

That could be for me. No, it's for me.

Is he telepathic or something?

I mean, how does he know it's for him?

It must be Julie.

Julie? Who's Julie?

It's his daddy.

They've been seeing each other for over a week.

A week?

I mean, they're practically Darby and Joan.

Well, I'm off now. Don't wait up for me. Bye.

What's the matter, Daddy? I don't like eating alone, especially with a family.

I'm eating.

So you are, and I think it's funny not... What's that?

Steak.

Steak? Never. That's not steak.

It's made from compressed carrots, nuts, sweet, red peppers and grated cheese.

It sounds yuck.

It is yuck. What are you eating it for?

When one has principles, one must live by them as best as one can.

I see. Would one mind explaining to another one exactly what one is talking

about?

One is a vegetarian.

He's one.

It was only last night that one knocked off three pork chops and half a pound of

bangers. That was last night, before I realised how barbaric it is to eat meat.

Oh, rubbish.

You may scoff, Daddy, but I happen to be against the indiscriminate slaughter of

defenceless animals just to satisfy a man's gluttonous appetite.

There we are, lamb cutlets.

I don't think I dare eat them.

You haven't been drinking again at lunchtime, have you? No, no, no. Our

thinks it's barbaric to eat this.

Thank you.

You must act according to your conscience.

Thank you. Or lack of it.

All life is sacred.

Is something wrong, dear? Yes, something is wrong. I've had a diabolical day.

I've been up since 8 .30 this morning, driving around.

I've made 32 calls. I haven't even sold a drawing pen.

Oh, dear.

So I would like to have my dinner without any provocative remarks.

Sally? let your father eat his dinner and stop being difficult. I'm not being

difficult. There, you see, dear, she's not being difficult.

Cannibal.

I heard that.

Yes, Sally, you may eat in the other room.

Very subtly put, money.

Sally, I don't want you annoying your father. Now, we respect your opinions,

please don't force them on other people.

If your father wants to be a cannibal, he's perfectly... I

am not a... cannibal. Yes, you are.

According to the dictionary, a cannibal is somebody who eats his own species.

You're just splitting hairs, Daddy.

That poor little innocent lamb that you're eating was torn from its parents

be slaughtered. Well, that's got nothing to do with me.

How would you like it if I was torn away from you?

That's a very good idea.

That was once a little lamb running about a field, happily dreaming of the

when it would grow up to be a sheep. And suddenly...

I think I'll just have a cup of coffee. It contains caffeine.

What does? Coffee. It's a drug.

Oh, God, blimey.

You'd be better off drinking water, Daddy.

As far as I'm concerned, water is for washing, not drinking.

I like coffee and I like red meat. I'm hooked on both of them.

You know what that makes me? A flesh -eating junkie.

Now you've put me off my dinner.

I've put her off her blooming dinner.

The older generation. I am not the older generation.

You are to me.

Well, I'm not to me.

There's a generation above me, your grandparents.

They're the older generation. I'm still in me prime.

What are you shouting about? I am not shouting.

That daughter of ours, the way she carries on, you'd think I was ready for

knacker's yard.

I'm telling you, I'm still in me prime.

Of course you are, dear. At my age, I'm at my peak.

Of course, dear. Now, why don't you take your shoes off, go in and put your feet

up. Ah, don't you start.

I don't need to put my feet up. Can't you see I'm bursting with energy?

Oh, good. Well, in that case, you can help me clear the table and do the

up.

On the other hand, I've had a very odd day.

Funny about him going off his food like that. It's not like him. Oh, it's

perfectly natural.

How can you say it's perfectly natural?

God, he's never been off his food in his life.

When he was three months old, he was going through seven packets of rusks a

Don't exaggerate. I'm not exaggerating. The day after he was born, I gave him my

finger to play with and he bit it.

You forgot that.

Thank you for helping me clear the table, darling.

All right.

Do you think he's ill?

Not ill, just in love.

In love?

I'm surprised you haven't noticed.

He's showing all the symptoms.

This is the second time this week he's worn a shirt and tie.

He washed his hair twice yesterday and this morning he even cleaned his own

shoes. He's really got it bad.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I think I'll wear beige with tan accessories.

What for?

The wedding.

You jump in the gun a bit, don't you?

I'm rather looking forward to being a grandmother.

Being a what?

A grandmother.

Oh, my God.

After everything I've told him, he's going to put some bird in the club.

Sid, don't be so vulgar.

Well, where do you keep going on rabbiting about being a granny for? I'm

looking to the future. If Mike and Julie get married, sooner or later they'll

have children.

You'll just have to get used to the idea of being a grandfather.

I'm still not used to the idea of being a father.

Besides, he only knows a girl.

In any case, you'd be potty enough to marry him.

There's always some poor innocent little girl potty enough to marry any man.

I married you.

Thank you very much.

I'll wash you white.

I don't know. I still think we're jumping to conclusions.

If he was going to get married, he'd tell us.

Well, perhaps you're right, dear.

When's the happy day, then?

What happy day? Mike and Julie's wedding.

Oh, Blondie, you're as bad as your mother.

All you women are the same. You've only got to see a fellow talking to a bird

and you've got her marching up the aisle.

I don't.

I didn't. Fact, not fiction.

Fact? What fact?

What do you know that we don't?

Well... I accidentally went into Mike's room to find my transistor.

Yes. And whilst I was accidentally looking, I accidentally found this.

It's a wedding ring. It's engraved.

To Julie, with all my love.

I'm too young to be a granddad.

Thank you.

Look at the time. Look at the blimmin' time. It's midnight and he's not home

yet. He's not Cinderella, Sid.

Well, how can he be so secretive?

He'll tell us eventually.

When? At the christening?

I wish you wouldn't keep on about babies.

I'm sure that's not why Mike hasn't told us. Well, there must be some reason.

You know Mike's attitude. He's against anything conventional.

He's always said when he gets married, he's just going to go away and do it

quietly. What about the booze -up?

What booze -up? The reception.

You don't pay for it. It's the bride's parents who foot the bill. I know that,

but it's just the point. When Sally gets married, I'll have to pay for it.

But if he gets married secretly, he's doing me out of a free one.

Can't we talk about it tomorrow and go to bed now? No, I want to talk about it

tonight, so I'm staying up.

What was that?

All right, Lady Macbeth, that's it.

Do you think Mike has got Julie into trouble?

Bed. I'd be an auntie.

Bed.

You'd be a granddad. Bed!

Oh, you go to bed, darling. I'll have a talk with him.

But don't be too hard on him, Sid.

Don't be too hard on him? I can't understand you. I should have thought

have been much more upset than this.

I suppose I am a bit disappointed.

But kids are different these days.

Your trouble is that you don't understand that. You won't face it.

I mean, I understand teenagers.

I mean, every mother looks forward to a first child's wedding.

Dressing up, flowers, white wedding in church, photographs.

Sally as a bridesmaid.

Nice reception with speeches and everything.

Sid? Yes? You can be as hard on him as you like.

Thank you, I will.

Michael, my son, we're going to shoot this out.

If it's going to be a wedding, it'll be a proper one.

My only son getting married.

Thank you, Mr.

Crabtree. One, two, three.

I must sit a minute.

Hey, son, I want to talk to you. No, no, John, I'm busy.

Mr. Abbott, please sit down.

Sid, did you speak to him? Not yet. He said he's busy.

Bed. Cannibal.

Is there any...

Who can show just cause why these two should not be wed? Yes, I can.

Yes, my son, what is it?

I'm too young to be a granddad.

It's too late, Dad. The bun's in the oven.

Do you take this secret to be your lawful wedded wife?

He doesn't. I do.

And do you, Julie's secret, take this galloping gannet to be your lawful

husband? He doesn't. I do.

By the power invested in me by the vegetarian church, I hereby pronounce

shirt and tie.

Congratulations,

Grandad.

Grandad.

all night, you mean. Come on, now, we've got to go.

Aren't you going to tell him?

Well, not yet. I'll tell him when we get back from the registry office. I only

told you because Julie wanted a bridesmaid.

Shouldn't I have the bouquet or something?

Sally, we're only going to the local registry office, not Westminster Abbey.

Have you got the ring? Yes, I've got everything. Now, come on, hurry up.

got to be there by 9 .30.

Hey,

come back!

off with Sally. He can't be left with Sally. It's against the law.

She's a bridesmaid. Come on. I'll get dressed.

No, you haven't got time to get dressed. Come on. If you're going to see your

own son getting married, you've got to go as you are. Come on.

Where's the blooming car keys?

By the telephone.

Why didn't you tell me?

Good morning, sir.

How do you do?

Oh, that's pretty nice of you.

On your way home, a fancy dress party, is it?

No, as a matter of fact, we're just on our way to a wedding. Oh, yeah?

Clever devil, eh?

Don't try and take the mickey out of me.

No, no, no, it's quite true, officer.

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

Look, I've heard all about these pyjama parties in front of me.

Oh, no, no, we're not going to any pyjama party, are we, darling?

Oh, no, no, we're not, officer, honestly.

Really, madam?

You see, what's happened is our son has sneaked off to get married without us.

He doesn't want us to be there, you see. Well, all due respect, if that is your

normal wedding attire, I am not surprised.

Well, what's that supposed to mean?

That means you are supposed to give an example to the younger generation.

I beg your pardon?

Forgive me, sir, if I overstep myself. It is just that I cannot stand middle

-aged dropouts.

I'll drop you out in a minute. Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, really, officer, we are in a terrible hurry. Oh, that fact has not

me, madam.

Seeing that you was doing 50 miles an hour through a built -up area.

Yeah, all right, we admit it. Now, can we get a move on? We cannot hurry the

with its due process.

Oh, God, blimey, we've got a right one here.

Can't you do what you usually do, sis?

What's that, madam?

Well, when he stops for speeding, he usually flips the officer a pound.

She's delirious.

Really, sir? Yes, it's her nerves.

Could I see your licence, sir?

I don't usually carry my driving licence in my pyjamas. You do surprise me, sir.

Name? Sidney Abbott.

Have any proof of identity?

Yes, my wife, Mrs Abbott.

I'm afraid I can't accept that, sir.

Why not? We've been married 20 years.

Have you any proof in writing?

Oh, dear you, what are you implying?

We've got a marriage certificate.

Not your marital estate, sir, your identity. Have you got a letter of some

A letter? Yeah.

Yes, here we are.

Here we are.

Master Jeremy Baxter, eh?

Thought you said your name was Sidney Abbott. That's right, it is.

Who's Master Jeremy Baxter?

Well, he's my nephew. It's his birthday.

There you are.

Happy birthday to Jeremy with love from Uncle Sid.

Uncle Sid, eh?

And Auntie Jean.

Did you say you was going to a wedding, sir? That's right, yes.

Well, do me a favour. Certainly.

Kiss the bride for me.

Come on, you lot, hurry up. You'll never get there.

Well,

come on. Let's go and put Mum and Dad out of their misery. There's no hurry.

They think you were marrying Julie, not just being Pete's best man.

Sally, that's their own fault for jumping to conclusions.

I don't know why you couldn't have told them before.

Because I promised Pete and Julie that I wouldn't tell anybody.

They wanted a quiet wedding, and they're entitled to it. Come on, let's go.

Excuse me.

These fell off your friend's car.

Oh, I shouldn't think they'd be bothered. They just left on their

Oh, newlyweds, eh? Good luck to them. Where'd they gone? Some exotic pot, no

doubt? Edinburgh.

Oh, very nice.

I went to Clacton.

Rained every day.

Very interesting.

That's all. Let's go.

I wonder if they're my size.

Oi. What do you mean, oi? Well, you can't park there. You'll have to find a

meter. I won't be a minute. I'm looking for a couple who were getting married

off past nine.

Oh, what a pity. So you've only just missed them.

Missed them? Yeah, that's right. They're on their way to Edinburgh.

Edinburgh? Oh, no. See?

Don't worry, love. We'll catch them.

Hi.

What's the time?

South past twelve.

Oh, crikey.

They've been gone three hours.

It may surprise you, sir, but we have speed limits in Birmingham.

Excuse me, I've got something to explain.

My son is trying to elope, you see, and my name is Sidney Abbott. Have you any

means of identification?

Hang on. Darling, give us a birthday card.

We'd love to know what that's said.

Thank you.