Original subtitles

Here.

Twenty -five.

VTR 3749, part one, take one.

Oh, blimey, that's sexy.

I had three auditions, you know.

And that concludes Mr. Richard Winthorpe's talk in the series You and

Greenhouse. Next week, Mr. Adam Hush will be telling you what to do with

Mr. Adam Hush's talk will be the last programme in the present series, and it

can be heard at the same time next week.

I've missed it now, haven't I?

What do you want to listen to that rubbish for?

I like it. I am interested in what is happening in my greenhouse.

I know what's happening in your greenhouse.

Two tomatoes.

And why?

Because I never get a chance to listen to what the gardening expert has to say.

It's always pop, isn't it?

I wouldn't mind that so much if I knew what they were talking about.

Now, it's no use arguing, Sid.

Mike's a different generation.

You can't expect him to be interested in growing tomatoes.

He'd blimmin' eat them, though, didn't he?

Oh, you're always going on about something, aren't you?

What are you going to do, stop eating?

You'd have to if I wasn't supporting you, wouldn't you?

Go on, throw that in me face.

You wouldn't complain about supporting me if I was still at school.

School? That's different, matey.

You were learning something there. At least we thought you were.

If you didn't find out until later, the only reason that you left the infant was

because you outgrew your desk.

That's not true, sir.

Mike's a very clever boy.

He's very artistic.

Artistic, my bottom.

Oh, blimey, there's another word for laziness. Have you seen what they call

these days?

Cube -shaped woman with four eyes, three in the middle of her face, one in her

navel, and her right hand poking out of her left ear hole.

You know what they call it? Seduction. It shows the extent of the artist's

imagination. It is some imagination to fancy that.

Oh, that's not fair, Sid. Everybody has the right to express themselves in their

own way. Well, why doesn't he express himself by going out to work?

But I'm waiting for the results of my examinations.

You'll be waiting for those results for seven weeks.

You could have had a good job with our firm in the meantime.

You mean go out selling things?

Well, I go out selling things.

Oh, but that's... Different, darling. I mean, you're a born salesman. Oh, I know

that. I mean, you've got the ability to talk to people and... And charm people

and... Con people.

Con people?

Dissuade people.

He hasn't. He just wants to be a great artist.

And if he works very hard, eventually he may have a one -man exhibition.

He is a one -man exhibition.

Look at him. Looks like a blooming gunk.

What you want to do is go down to the car factory, get yourself a job on the

assembly line, 15 quid a week and a free air net.

If you think that I'm going to spend the rest of my life clocking on at nine and

off at five, you're wrong. I'm an individual. I want to do my own thing.

I'll make money at what I'm good at. Well, you're very good at having a kip.

You do 80 hours a week at that.

It's no use you going on, Sid. I'm telling you, it's no use. He has got to

job. Dad, I'm 19 and I've got the vote.

And you don't have to worry about my problems. No? No. I can sort them out

myself. Right. Well, first thing in the morning, you go down to the labour

exchange. All right, I will.

Now you've upset him.

I've upset him?

Listen. What?

What was that?

Hmm? That noise downstairs.

What noise?

There was a noise.

Every night you do this.

I keep telling you it's the budgie.

He's got his head stuck in his bell again.

Do you think I ought to call the police?

What do you want to call the police for? He usually gets his own head out.

Oh, it's not him again.

What a night I've put in here.

We've had his first birthday, his first love affair, his first shave. We've even

had the first time he sat on the potty.

Isn't it worse than this is your life?

I can't help worrying about him. Oh, forget it. He's out with some bird or

other. Well, what could they be doing at two o 'clock in the morning?

With the bird?

Playing Ludo.

Well, if he's not back in an hour, I'm phoning the police.

With his hair like that, you'd do better phoning the dog zone.

It's all your fault.

Of course it's my fault. Everything's my fault.

It's my fault he failed his exams. It's my fault he had chicken pox. It's my

fault he was even born.

Well, I couldn't do that by myself, could I?

Good night.

You were too harsh with him.

Oh, God, here it comes.

You shouldn't have said what you said. He's very sensitive.

Can I come in?

You might as well. We're having a laugh -in.

Oh, Mummy, what's he done to you?

I told Michael he had to get a job. That's what.

Daddy, do you realise that boys leave home because of this sort of thing?

All Mike wants to do is his own thing. And you're trying to make him do

else's thing.

Do you mind if I do my thing and go to sleep?

father are you? An exhausted one.

Aren't you worried about Mike?

Oh, blimey, he's 19.

Anybody think he was nipping about in rompers?

He's at a difficult age.

So am I.

I told you, didn't I, that he'd be all right?

No, you didn't. Well, where are you, Mike?

What do you think he's doing?

Where? On in here at two o 'clock in the morning.

Oh, yes, Mike.

Mike. Bye, Mike.

It was Mike.

You're kidding.

He's at a friend's flat.

Ah, so that's where he takes his birds.

He's coming home tomorrow.

To spend the day in bed.

For his belongings.

Hmm?

I mean, young people should have a crack at the world outside.

Yes.

Experience. That's what they need, experience. I always say that. If they

to go, let them go. That's what I say. I expect I'll go myself soon.

You will stay here.

Oh, I see.

Favoritism, is it? You want Sally, you don't want Mike.

Well, she's a girl, isn't she? It's not the same. It's different for girls.

I mean, she gets married, keeps house, has a dozen kids.

What does she need experience for? To avoid all those things.

And he decided to leave the nest.

He isn't leaving it. He's being tipped out of it.

Well, I didn't tell him to go.

Now, let me see.

Fruit, cream, butter, jam, biscuits. What else do I need? I've got a long run

today. Maidstone. A long, long way, you know. Maidstone.

I've had a few sandwiches that come in very handy.

Sandwiches. Excuse me.

Good customer, this fellow at Mason. It's a big order, this.

7 ,000 doodle pants.

Sally, did you get the two tomatoes from your father's greenhouse?

Oh, yes.

Here they are, Mum.

Thank you.

Oh, there you are, dear. I'm just getting your things together. Oh, thanks

lot, Mum. Yeah, they're doing you good, son.

Spreading your wings, leaving the nest.

You've said that.

Have I? Oh.

Now, have you got everything you need?

Yeah, thanks, Mum.

Right.

Look. Take this with you. It'll make a nice reminder.

That is, if you want to be reminded.

Here you are, Mike.

This is my last pound.

I was saving it for Dad's birthday.

But you can have it. Oh, no, Sam, you keep it.

What about the electric toaster? That'll come in handy. I like a bit of toast in

the morning.

You know how you like a bit of toast in the morning. It's all right, Mum,

really. They've got one at the flat.

Well, will you be all right, dear? Yeah, sure.

We'll come and see you.

Mum and I.

Yes, well, I'd better get cracking. I've got a long way to go, a lot of work to

do. Thanks for all the attention.

I'll come in for my lunch when I have my dinner.

Well, son, I'll see you then.

Yeah.

Well, you OK, aren't you? Yeah, OK, Dad.

So you're off then? Yeah.

Yeah, well, ta -ra then. Ta -ra, Dad.

You all right for money? Yeah, fine.

Well, anyway...

Let me treat you to your first week's rent. No, Dad, it's all right, really.

no, take it. Go on, come in handy.

Oh, there you go. Thanks a lot. I'll pay you back.

Pay me back?

I thought I wouldn't pay back. I mean, we're all here to help each other,

we? I mean, that is what a united family is for.

Yeah, sure.

Yes, well, ta -ra, son. Ta -ra, Dad.

Bye -bye, Mum.

Bye, darling.

Don't bother to see me out.

I'll see myself out.

Bye, son.

Yeah, see you.

Yeah, well... Better get cracking. See you tonight.

You won't see me.

What? Eh?

Because I won't be here.

I'm going to stay with my friend.

Well, that's good, isn't it? I mean, this morning we were a happy family of

four. Now we're a family of two. One.

Pardon? I said we're a family of one.

Well, how do you make that out?

Because I'm going back to my mother's.

Well... They've gone, then?

Yeah, all three of them.

Well, what are you looking so miserable about?

Well, it's a bit much, isn't it? I mean, this morning I had a wife, a son and a

daughter. All I've got now is a bleeding budgie.

Blimey, I wish that was all I was going out with you, mate. I've got me missy, a

mother, screaming kid and a delinquent dog. I tell you, it's all burping and

barking in our house.

You should worry.

I'm not worried. I know how it is. I mean, after a bit, they just take you

granted, don't they? No, no, not my lot.

Oh, come on, see, when your Mike left home, what did Jean do, eh? Cry, did

Tell you what a rotten father you were. No, no, nothing like that. Yeah, I bet

she emptied a cupboard for him, didn't she?

Packed his things, and half yours.

Yeah, made him a blooming great lunch packet and gave you a lettuce leaf.

Nut on your Nellie, mate, she wouldn't dare.

Well, what did she do then?

Packed him a bloody great lunch and gave me nothing.

Well, that's typical, isn't it? And then they all shoved off and left you.

Oh, they'll be back, don't worry. Of course they'll be back. Your luck can't

last forever.

Here, sit.

Why don't you make the most of it? Because me and the lads are having a bit

knees up tonight because Bob's divorce has come through.

No, no.

Look, we're going to this street club, you see. It's smashing. All these lovely

birds are on a stage. No, no, I don't think so. They're wiggling their watsits

and everything.

I'm not in the mood, I'm sorry.

But, Sid, there's this bird, Sid, Doris. Yeah. She comes down off the stage,

into the audience. I'm not kidding.

Get away.

Are you?

No, no, no.

By the time I get home, it'll all be back to normal. But, look, Sid, that's

nothing. On a good night, the tassels drop off.

No, no, no, I know. When I get back, it'll all be waiting for me.

The kitchen will be looking like the Dorchester Grill.

All that lovely nosh in the oven. I can smell it now.

Ah, yes.

Ah, well, here we go, then. Sid's cottage pie.

With thatched roof.

want to go, the window's open.

I'll help you pack your millet spray.

She's back.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Now she can make me a real one.

Go on.

Hello, Dad.

Yes, I was... I've just had my dinner.

All right? Yeah.

Sit down.

Hang on, hang on.

No, thanks, Dad, no.

It's made. No trouble.

No.

Where's Mum?

Didn't you see her on the way in? No. Oh, well, she must be out. And Sally,

where's she?

She must be out as well.

You're on your own, then?

On me own? No.

I've got the budget, haven't I?

Yeah. Well, when are they coming back, Dad? Well, I don't know. I mean, you

know, I had to force them to go out, you know that?

Take a day off, I said to them.

Well, when are they coming back?

I mean, they've been rushing around here making me cottage pies.

puddings and things.

I'm full up, I am. Full up. Right up to here.

Well, son, here we are. I mean, just you and me, eh?

No women around to nag at us.

You don't have to go out to find your freedom.

It's right here on your doorstep.

Yeah. Shall we go eat?

No, thanks, Dad. I'm not very hungry.

Where are you going?

Up there.

Oh, God. What have I done now?

I came back to get me razor.

Ah, I see.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Dad.

All right, then?

Yeah, and you?

Yes, yes, yes.

I've got my gear, then. Ah, good.

I'm just going to watch the telly. Right, I'm off.

Oh, I see you're taking your paintings as well.

Yeah, I thought I might as well.

Yes, why not? Go on, yes. Good luck with that, huh?

Yes.

Starving, eh?

If I'd known it was him, I wouldn't have chucked that pie away.

Hello, Trev?

Sid?

Yes, I've changed my mind.

Where do you say you're meeting the fellas?

I thought I'd better bring him back, Mum. He looks so miserable all on his

you know. Well, you did the right thing, Mike. Anyway, I wouldn't have stayed

out all night. He doesn't deserve that.

He's gone a bit mad with the aftershave, hasn't he?

Because he knows I like it. He must have been expecting me back after all. I'll

make a quick cup of coffee, then I'll pop up and surprise him. Mummy,

he's not there.

Not in bed. He's not anywhere.

But that's ridiculous. It's half past eleven.

He wouldn't go out, would he?

He has gone out.

Where? Well, maybe he's just gone for a walk.

A walk? Your father?

The longest walk he ever took was bringing the milk in.

Well, maybe he's gone to the fish and chip shop.

Wearing savage aftershave?

Oh, well, he'll be back. I'd better split.

Bye, darling. Don't worry about him. See you, darling.

I'm not worried.

I'm furious.

Just think, we all leave him.

And he hasn't even got the decency to stay in.

Well, we might as well go to bed.

Guy Fawkes night.

Looking like that he'd never get home.

What a man!

What could he have been up to?

We'll soon find out when he comes to.

At least there is one.

freezing sleeping on your own.

I know.

Well, I must say, it's very nice of you getting up early and coming to see if

I'm all right there. We came last night.

Last night?

You weren't here.

Oh, yes, I was up in bed.

Oh, no, you weren't. Oh, yes, I was. You couldn't see me, that's all.

I've lost weight, you see.

It's all a worry.

You slept in the hall, on the stairs.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Why should I want to sleep on the stairs?

Because you were incapable of making it to the bedroom.

Sally, shouldn't you be getting ready for school? I want to talk to your

Isn't it a bit early for school?

It's ten to nine.

Hang on, I'll give you a lift. How did I better get dressed first?

Right.

What's your story, then?

Yes, well, um... There's this fella.

He's a very good customer, this fella.

Spends a lot of money.

Bought all me bulldog clips he did.

Every one of them.

Anyway, I looked at him and suddenly I thought, hello, he looks a bit funny, I

thought. So I said to him, I said, here, you look a bit funny, I said.

You mean the way you look now?

And next thing I saw, he's flat out on the ground, he is.

Well, go on.

So I had to run him all the way back home to Birmingham, didn't I?

Five hours there and back, it's good going.

I think I ought to phone him up, see if he's all right. Hello, Steve. Oh, good.

Hello,

stranger. I haven't seen you for years. Well, about last night, did I?

Yeah.

Doris, now I'll take offence to you whispering in your ear all night. Yeah,

well, she wanted your phone number, you see.

Did you, er... No, no, I didn't give it to her because, er... because I didn't

think you'd want her phoning you up all the time.

Well, not my phone number. Did you give her a bit of the other?

No, no, I...

I ran out of supplies.

You did an awful sick one. She said you lived in Birmingham. Yeah, yeah, sick

man. Very sick man. It's very, very good going, though, see? I mean, Birmingham

and back in five hours. Come on.

Yeah. What did you do with your tassel? You know.

Tassel? Yeah. Tassel?

Yeah. I didn't have a tassel.

Hello, Jean.

Well, I was just saying to Sid, you know.

What a pity it was, you know, he couldn't come out last night with me and

lads.

Because we had a great time.

The vicar was asking about you.

Yeah, well, I think I'd better go now, then, and put this back on the curtain.

last night.

You sold all your bulldog clips to a man called Doris.

Birmingham and back in five hours and ended up swinging on Travis Curtin.

Yeah, well, I know it sounds a bit odd, but I can explain it. Hello, Dad.

You got back all right, then? Well, of course I got back. I'm here, aren't I?

Your father's just been telling me about last night.

Last night. Wasn't it fabulous, Dad, eh?

Birmingham and back in five hours.

What? With you?

He's my dad, isn't he?

Yes, of course I'm his dad.

But you've just been telling me about the sick client you had to run to

Birmingham. Well, I went with him. That's it. He come with me.

You brought me and Sally back here.

Yeah, right. And after that, I met Dad.

After that.

So who's Doris?

Doris.

Doris. Doris, the barmaid at the roadhouse. That's it.

Oh, blimey, she took the fancy to you, didn't she? Well, she knew she couldn't

crack it with you, so she had a go at me.

Yes. Yes, well.

There. I hope you're satisfied. I didn't want to involve the boy, but the truth

will out.

I don't know what to say.

Just say you're sorry and get on with the tea, that's all.

Yes, dear.

Sorry, dear. All right.

Hello, Mike. What are you doing home?

Well, I didn't like the flat very much, you know. Does that mean you're staying?

Yes, he's staying. Of course he's staying. Oh, great.

That's because I'm late for school.

Ready, Sal? Did you sort it out?

Oh, yes, nothing to worry about. What happened?

Well, it seems your father was working last night, and his client took sick, so

he had to run him home to Birmingham.

And you believe all that rubbish?

No. But you'll learn, dear, that marriage is based on trust and

The wife.

Do you think Mum believed all that?

Nah.

But you'll learn, son, that marriage is based on trust and understanding.

The husbands.

Thank you.