Original subtitles

Because our friend up there is talking to me through this.

VTR 3748, part 1, take 1.

Thank you.

Sally, I thought it was your father.

I don't want him to see the cake till tomorrow.

Happy fat.

Well, I don't think that's going to go down very well.

It's not finished yet. It's going to be Happy Father's Day, if I've enough

icing. What have you brought him?

A brocade drinking jacket.

Don't you mean smoking jacket?

No, and your father will do more drinking in it than smoking.

You will look nice. I can see him now. The Noel Coward of Birch Avenue.

Can I see it?

Oh, it's been delivered to Dr McLaren.

You know what your father's like every year, poking about.

Don't want him to find it till tomorrow.

Have you got him something nice?

Well, it's very difficult to buy for, you know. He's got everything.

Cigars are always useful.

Yeah, but I'm always buying either cigars or socks or ties.

Anyway, this time I bought him something different.

Oh, what did you get him?

Handkerchiefs.

What else?

Where's Michael?

He's doing his Sister Hannah with a banner bit this morning in Trafalgar

Oh, not another demonstration.

Hope he's not in trouble again.

He's been brought home twice by the police this year.

Don't look now, Mum. He's just got his hat trick.

This one yours, Madam?

Yes.

Hat trick or no hat trick, just you wait till your father gets home, that's all.

His father, is he?

Well, what is it this time? Nothing.

Sidney, it's about time you had a talk to your son.

Why is it always when there's trouble, he's always my son?

Don't evade the issue. Talk to him. I don't even know what he's done yet.

He was arrested again.

I was not arrested, Mum. I was merely brought home in a police car. Don't

contradict your mother. Are we having a row?

We are not having a row. You keep out of it. I'm on your side, Mike. Whatever

you've done, it's us against them. Sally, that's enough.

Go and tidy up the kitchen.

All right. Why were you arrested?

I told you I was not arrested. Why were you merely brought home in a police car?

Causing a disturbance outside number 10.

Number 10?

That's Dr.

McLaren's place. What have you got against him?

No, Sid. Not number 10 Birch Avenue.

Downing Street.

Downing Street?

Ted East, Downing Street?

That's right.

The PS pad, Dad.

Yeah, we were protesting.

What about this, Dad? Well, it was supposed to be the Russian writers.

What do you mean, supposed to be? There was a bit of a mix -up when we left

Trafalgar Square and I ended up with Home Rule for Ireland.

Never mind about the jokes. Don't you think it's time you had a little

consideration for your mother and me?

It's the third time this year you've been brought home by the cops.

What do the neighbours think?

Oh, knickers to the neighbours.

What did you say?

He said knickers to the neighbours. I heard what he said.

Now, just you listen to me, you two.

Hey, Mother Bell.

Don't you move a muscle. Stay right there. I'm coming back.

Hello? Oh, hello. It's you, Sid. You're home, then?

Yes, I come home every day. I live here.

Yes, thank you, Ian. I'm keeping very well. Oh, good. And the rest of the

family, they all well?

Yes, they're fine, thank you.

Well, that's good. I'm glad you're all fine. Yes, we're all fine.

Did you want something, or do you start doing examinations by phone now?

No, no, no, no, no. I just rang up to find out how you all were.

We're all fine, thank you.

That's not very good for my business, isn't it?

No.

Perhaps while I'm on, I ought to have a word with Jean.

With Jean?

Yeah, what about?

Nothing. Gee?

Dr Jekyll wants a word with you.

About nothing.

Hello, Ian?

Look, is Sid still there?

Yes. Well, I'd better be careful what I say then.

Yes. Look, I'll do all the talking. Just say yes or no, right? Yes.

They've delivered Sid's smoking jacket. Shall I keep it here?

Yes.

I've said yes to him more times than you've said to me in 19 years.

What did he want?

Nothing.

Nothing.

I think he must be overworked. Perhaps he ought to see a doctor.

Where's Michael? In the garage.

That's me, Martha.

Bye. Where are you going?

no respect for us, our children. They treat this house like a hostel.

They've come away from the window.

I'm nowhere near the window.

Who's she going out with this time, then? She's going out with Ian's son,

Julian. Julian?

I thought he was still at medical school.

He was, but he was expelled.

What for?

I don't know. Something to do about the assistant matron and the bed bath.

Well, go on.

I'm not surprised, really.

And you're letting our daughter go out with him. Stop worrying.

He's got a jag.

His father must have lent it to him.

Well, he had no right to borrow it.

He had passed it, Ted.

I'm not worried about his driving. It's the jag. It's got reclining seats.

Well, what about it?

What about it?

Why do you think a fellow takes a girl out in a car with reclining seats?

I always thought reclining seats were so you could lie down and relax.

On the driver's side?

How many people have you seen driving a Jag lying down?

Sidney, if two young people want to do anything in a car, they don't need

reclining seats.

So you are the expert on getting up to things in cars?

Well, let's face it, we had our moments in your old Red Morris.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that was different.

I never had a Red Morris.

handgear got in the way.

It was a Ford.

Oh.

Well, I don't know anything about cars. I just know it was a red something or

other.

It was green.

Was it?

Who did you go out with in a red Morris?

Nobody, dear.

Everybody's going out. Nobody knows where. It's as bad as the kids.

What do you think I'd take out in that green Ford?

Dad? Yes?

Master in the doghouse.

Isn't it? You own it.

Oh, love.

Where did you shoot that, whopping?

Sit down.

Now then, what have you got to say for yourself?

What do you want for Father's Day?

Father's Day tomorrow, is it? Yeah.

Mum says I've got to buy you a present.

Don't strain yourself.

Oh, well, I thought I'd get you something you liked this time. I mean,

weren't exactly over -enamoured by the birthday present I got you, were you?

Well, it's not surprising, really, is it? I mean, when I told you I'd like

something to wear, I thought I'd have a drip -dry shirt or something, but a

Mickey Mouse vest.

Well, I thought I'd get you something you liked this time, like cigars.

Cigars? Well, that's marvellous. I like a good cigar. There you go. That's

settled. I'll get you some cigars. Thank you. Could you lend me a quid?

I'll tell you what.

Take two.

I might as well buy myself a decent present from you.

And just go round and drop my clarity.

Well, what do you think of it?

Oh, it looks very smart.

Do you think Sid will like it? Oh, he'll be delighted with it.

And you don't mind me leaving it here till this evening? No, no, no, not at

Thanks. Well, better be going back.

Hello?

Oh, never mind. Look, you can nip out through the house.

Just a moment, Sid.

Come

in, Sid.

Not interrupting, am I?

No, no, I'm quite alone.

I thought I heard you talking to someone.

Talking to someone?

Yes, I heard voices.

Oh, no, no, it was me on the telephone.

Ah.

What's the matter?

Since when have you been using perfume?

No, no, no, it's my aftershave.

Oh,

you crafty devil, you.

I don't know what you mean. You've had a burden, haven't you?

Whatever makes you think that?

Since when have you been using lipstick?

Oh,

that.

Have a drink.

It's all right. Live and let live, that's what I say.

Yeah, I mean, after all, blimey, you know, you've been on your own for five

years, haven't you?

Man cannot live by bread alone, can he?

That's all right, mate. You get stuck in. Fill your boots.

Tell me.

We'll sit down. Sit down.

Here.

Oh, here.

I got that typewriter ribbon you wanted. Oh, thank you. How much?

Oh, I'd have it on the firm. Oh, thanks very much. As a matter of fact, it's for

the boy. I've given him my old typewriter. He fancies himself as a bit

writer now. Just like my son. Anything but work.

What with Julian is, he's a crumpet mad.

Crumpet mad?

Yes, he's away with some bird or other today.

Is he?

Yeah. I don't know how he does it. He'll wear himself out.

Well, I mean, I told him the other day, I said, if you go on like this, I said

you'll be an old man before you're 20.

If he lives that long.

Ah, well, do him good.

Taste the honey here and there before he finally settles down.

As a matter of fact, I've lent you my car today.

Reclining seats and all.

You know, Sherry, I... I can't believe that this is you talking. Oh, come on

now, Sid. It won't do him any harm. So a few wild oats.

For your information, tonight's wild oats happens to be my daughter.

Well, Sid, I mean, I'm sure it's all perfectly innocent, isn't it? Well, it

didn't sound innocent to me. No, I mean, Julian just isn't a boy like that. No?

Well, what's he wearing himself out on, snakes and ladders?

Now, look, sir, you mustn't jump to any conclusions. I mean, just because

they're out in a car with reclining seats doesn't mean to say he's going to.

had better not!

I mean, if they want to get up to anything, they will.

After all, reclining seats or no, I mean, I never had any difficulty.

My old Red Morris.

Red Morris!

You...

out of Red Morris?

Yes, I am. I used to call it the love bug.

Love bug.

You.

You. All these years I've trusted you.

Feeling Jean's pulse and God knows what else.

You.

You and your bedside manner. I'm telling you, matey, you have looked at my

wife's chest for the last time.

I'd better get out of here before I murder you.

Stop it, Sid.

I've been getting on your knees, mate.

Do you want help?

I'm sure he didn't say where he was going.

He came in, put his arm round my shoulder, said I never had a Red Morris

stormed up.

He's been gone two hours. Where can he have got to?

of it. I know where he's been.

I'm back.

The rover has returned.

You are drunk.

If I'm not, I've wasted a lot of money.

You better come in and sit down. Do you mind?

I managed to come here unassisted and I can find my way in there just the same.

See?

Oh, my son.

He's a good lad, isn't he? You're my son, Michael.

And I'm going to give you a piece of advice from somebody who has drunk very

deeply from the cup of life.

That's not all you've drunk deeply from.

A piece of advice which you can hand on to your son.

Never get married, right?

Uh, thanks, Dad.

I think I'll just go down the shops.

That's my son, that is.

I think you'd better sit down before you fall.

How dare you?

I may have had a few drinks, but I'm quite capable of standing on my own two

feet.

I think I'll sit there.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I should be ashamed of myself? That's good, that is.

The foot should be on the other boot.

I had a Ford.

Fine example for the children.

It was green.

To the light green, that's why.

Not the car. Why did you go drinking?

Why did I go drinking?

That's good, that is.

Because we've been living a lie, that's why. You and Dr. Crippen.

Is that all?

Is that all you can say? Is that all?

I only went out with Ian twice. It was long before I met you, so I don't see

you're getting so upset.

You must have gone out with lots of people before you met me.

I didn't go out with him.

Nothing happened? No.

Nothing at all?

Nothing. Are you sure?

Yes. I knew it was all talk.

I made a shocking mistake, haven't I?

Yes, dear.

I'm sorry.

Never mind.

Jean, there's something I've got to tell you.

Yes? I don't feel very well.

There's nothing like it. You'll like those.

Well, he ought to. They cost a bomb.

Do you know, I had to use five and ten of my own money on these.

Hey, where is Dad anyway?

Well, Mum's gone to collect the smoking jacket. An alcoholic's anonymous. He's

sleeping off upstairs.

Oh, good.

Oh, lamb in the head.

Never again.

How do you feel, Dad?

Shocking. Would you like me to mix you an Alka -Seltzer, Daddy?

No, thank you. I couldn't stand the noise.

Well, how about you try sucking one?

Oh! I thought you were out.

I was out, but now I'm in. And I think I'm just going to go up to my room.

See you.

What a funny walk, isn't it?

I see Julian had his father's jag. Yeah, mashing. It's automatic.

It's got electric windows and reclining seats.

Did he get up to anything?

Pardon?

What did he get up to in the jag?

About 40 miles an hour. Oh.

Don't be cheeky. You know what I mean. Did he... Yes, Daddy?

Did he try anything?

He's not interested in me.

He was only giving me a lift to the library.

Oh. He fancies Randy Sandy.

What did you say?

Randy... Sandy Wilcox.

She's a pre -inspector at our school.

Ah. You do worry, Daddy.

Well, of course I worry. Fathers worry about their children.

I mean, you worry whenever you become a father.

You're not kidding.

You know what I mean.

Parents worry about their children, and especially girls.

Well, you needn't worry about me.

Thank God.

I'm still a virgin.

I beg your pardon?

Well, that's why you worry about me, isn't it?

I think I'll have a drink.

Oh, of course you haven't, Baron. Don't be ridiculous.

Well, it's not to make you feel any better. I'm saving myself until Mr.

comes along.

Good. And when he does, just make sure that you're Mrs. Right.

My love for you is true and sure, and through the years it has been pure.

Lust.

Oh, that's very poetic.

I thought it would appeal to his sense of humour. Can I borrow your penny? Yes,

certainly. There we are.

Get behind that screen.

Oh, Lord, look, take these things with you.

Just a minute, Sid.

I'm not interrupting again, am I? No, no, no.

Quite alone. Come on in.

You know, and if you heard any voices, it was me on the telephone.

No, I won't stay. I've just come to apologise for this morning.

Oh, well, that's all right, Sid. Any compound fracture?

Yeah, well, I do jump to conclusions, you know.

Hello.

You have been at it again, haven't you?

Yes.

Well, you know how it is.

No, I don't. How is it?

Is it the same one?

Yes, it is.

Oh, you are lucky, you are.

It's all right for you. You've got nobody to worry about. But us married

all we can do is think about it.

We got this new girl at the office.

Hot pants, we call her.

Short skirt, see -through desk, all flabby.

And the biggest pear in Putney.

All right, matey, don't worry.

You have a ball. Have a good time.

And just be careful where you put your telescope.

You know, I'll be getting quite a

reputation with Sid. Wait till I see him. I'll give him telescopes.

How's this?

To the only man...

Very appropriate.

Oh, would you mind answering that, Jean?

Hello, 2534.

Hello. Hello,

are you there?

Must be a wrong number. Oh, there's a drop of water in it.

And drink up, because I want your opinion on some new curtain materials

in the house. Now, here's to a happy Father's Day.

I'm the happy father.

Where have I gone wrong?

Honey, I've tried to be a good husband, a father.

What have I done to deserve this?

I mean, now, Sid, steady.

Steady on steady. You've got to treat this like an adult. I mean, after all,

are an adult.

I mean, there's no reason why you can't be sophisticated and intelligent, is

there?

Yes, there is, but I don't want to be sophisticated and intelligent.

Perhaps it's just an infatuation.

That's it.

That's what it is. It's just an infatuation. And I hope I'm big enough

forgive.

I am big enough to forgive.

If it's one little infatuation in a lifetime of happiness.

Forgive. That's it.

To err is human.

To forgive is divine.

I'll kill that bloody quack.

I'll wait for him.

I love him.

Blimey, he can't seduce my wife just because we're national health.

My love for you is true and sure.

And through the years, it has been pure.

Lust.

Lust. To the only man in my life. Hope you like the gift.

That's Gene's own writing.

She's buying him presents.

That's where the housekeeping money's going.

A smoking jacket.

All these years she's known I wanted a smoking jacket.

Now he's getting it.

He's not content with me wife. He wants me smoking jacket as well.

I'll teach him.

That'll teach him, go on.

He's not going to do much smoking in that.

Ben,

what are you doing here? I found out.

Oh, what a pity.

We were trying to keep it from you. Oh, sure you were.

I wanted it to be a surprise. It was.

Well, now you're here, you might as well take it with you.

Pardon?

Happy Father's Day, darling.

For me?

Is he?

You're a lucky old devil, aren't you?

Yes.

And don't worry, darling, they said that if it doesn't fit, they'll change it.

I wouldn't bet on that.

Where is the father of the family?

He's upstairs putting his smoking jacket on.

at Ian's place.

Oh, that you didn't think. Yes, yes, I did.

And you did this? It's all right, it's all right. I phoned the shop and I told

them we'd had this plague of giant silk -eating locusts.

And they told me if I went in tomorrow they'd give me a new one for this.

Plus £22 .10.