Original subtitles

Anybody making tea?

Tea, anybody?

Oh, yes, please, Dad.

Michael, tea.

Yes, please, Dad.

Forgive her.

Where's your mother?

Out. Out.

You happen to know where your mother is?

Huh?

Oh, no.

I'm leaving her home with a brain strut.

Where is your mother? She's the only one who knows where to hit it.

Well, what is it, Doctor?

It's nothing to worry about, Mrs Abbott. It's probably an allergy of some sort.

I'll get the sample sent off immediately. In the meantime, I'd better

something for that rash.

I suggest you call in and see Dr McLaren next week when he's back from holiday.

Thank you, Doctor.

He'll let you know as soon as the tests are through.

Oh, by the way, how's your husband?

Still overworked and underpaid, is he? I didn't know you knew him. Yes, I met

him last year when I was acting as locum.

As I recall, he asked me for a tonic. Oh, he's marvellous now.

I left him at home relaxing in front of the television.

Dad, you might have a poor face if it's gone.

Gone? It can't have gone.

Only the sound and vision that's gone, that's all.

You'll have to get it fixed.

You spent £34 getting it fixed.

Don't you think it's time you got a new one?

Got a new one?

And who's going to pay for it?

Another family whip round, I suppose.

Two bob from you, nothing from him, and one from your mother and 92 quid from

me.

Always the same when it's blooming up.

Oh, there you are. Hello, darling.

Hello.

What happened? Huh?

Don't speak to him. You won't get any sense out of him. Look at him.

All he needs is a club and a loincloth.

Oi, the telly's gone off.

Had you noticed? What do you want me to do about it, Dad?

Sell some of your air and put some in the woods a new one.

I'm a struggling salesman.

I'm the only bloke on a firm with a plastic briefcase.

I can't even afford to buy tobacco.

It's all this fuss just because the television's gone off. Well, I'm not

a fuss, and it's not only the television.

If my overdrive gets any worse, I'll have to go in a paper round.

Don't exaggerate, Sid.

It's his fit personality, Abbott and Scrooge.

Oh, thump you.

Well, I can't concentrate on my homework with no television on. I think I'll go

upstairs and do some records.

Sir, give me a quid.

I think

I'll

go next door and have a natter with Betty.

Now you sit there, darling, and work out what we can cut down on.

And now let's meet the girls once again, this time in swimsuits.

First we have Miss... Swimsuits?

How do you... How do you eat it to get a vision? I can't see anything.

Miss Italy, Carlotta Morello, reputed to have the longest legs in the country.

Big as boobs as well, I know.

Hello? Hello, this is Dr. Winter's receptionist. Is Mrs. Abbott there,

No, she's just gone out next door. Can I fetch her for you? No, no.

Not so lively here as usual, is it?

It used to be smashing of a Thursday or a Wednesday.

We had Mrs Higgins with her heartburn, Mr Sims with his bad leg. He died, you

know. And she got better. No, Mrs Higgins.

It's liver with you, isn't it?

I can tell by your eyes.

Won't you give me a minute, Mrs Harris?

Ah, Mr Abbott, you're waiting for the result of your wife's test, aren't you?

Well, I'll just check with the doctor. As a matter of fact, he's on to the lab

at the moment. Thank you very much.

That was Bill Soames with his gallbladder.

Rapture. I can tell the way he walks.

Hello, this is Dr.

McLaren's locum.

Have you got the results of Mrs. Abbott's test yet?

Her husband's here now.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry. I haven't done Mrs. Abbott's yet.

I've got the results of Mrs.

Howard's, though.

She's definitely pregnant.

Pregnant? Pregnant?

Congratulations. I can't understand it.

Oh, come on. Sit here up. You should be chuffed. Chuffed? What about? Another

mouth to feed?

Don't look at it like that. I mean, you've proved you've still got it,

you? I know.

Look at it this way.

You've put yourself in the Cary Grant class now, haven't you?

Who? Cary Grant.

So I have.

I mean, if you make a habit of it, you'll end up beating Charlie Chaplin.

Yeah, as long as I don't finish up with his feet.

Here, don't tell anybody, will you?

Oh, of course I won't. Not yet, you know.

Here you are.

Get that down, yeah?

Daddy.

every for you. Put it down. Put it down.

How dare you two sit there and let your mother carry everything like that about?

For me?

And who else?

Thank you.

Come on. Sit down.

Come on. And don't run.

Your mother first.

Your mother first.

Protein. Good for you.

Give your mother your egg.

Give your mother your egg.

But it's not for your wedding.

Now she'll have four. Give her your egg.

Darling, I couldn't eat four eggs.

You want to lose all your teeth and have your hair drop in that?

Just a minute.

We will say grace.

Grace?

We never say grace.

I happen to have a good reason for being in the mood to say grace.

Head down.

For what we're about to receive...

Truly thankful.

Here we go.

Well,

you feel better after that much?

Right, hang on.

There we are. Happy again.

Sit, slowly.

Put her back on a cheap one.

Now you're going to go upstairs and you're going to have a lovely rest.

and we're going to make some coffee and then bring you up and out with the

chocolates afterwards.

All right?

He's gone mad.

He's done something.

What could he have done?

Could be another woman.

Oh, Mike, not Dad.

Well, he's got all the symptoms, hasn't he?

He's cutting down on us to take the other woman out and he's buying

and flowers to ease his conscience.

He's coming.

All right, you two. Would you mind stepping inside here? Like a little

Sit down.

Yes. Yes. Well, I think it's only right that you two should know. I mean, after

all, you are a part of the family, aren't you? And, well, in a very short

that is, in the not -too -distant future... All right, Dad. What have you

Done?

Well, nothing.

Nothing to be ashamed of, that is.

You see, well, I'll try and make it clear again.

You see, when two people, that is, a husband and wife, and...

Well, things can happen.

And I did.

He's gone round the bend.

All right, I'll tell you. It's very simple, really. Your mother and I are

pregnant. I told you he'd gone round the bend.

No, no, no, no. I mean, your mother is pregnant.

Oh, you say it was nothing to be ashamed of? Daddy, how could you do it?

What do you mean, how could I do it?

It's easy.

I mean, you just... Well, we are married, aren't we? Well, that's just

could understand it if you weren't.

Oh, Mum.

Mum, it's the nicest thing that can happen to two people. But it's not

to two people, is it? It's happening to four.

What am I going to tell my friends, Dad?

Don't your friends' parents have babies?

Well, some do.

Only the accident prone.

You'll have an accident in a minute.

I hope I'm not going to be expected to babysit and all that rubbish.

I've got it. You can have it adopted.

I wish I'd have you adopted.

You're not going to keep it.

I'm not going to keep it.

It's a baby.

A human being.

Something we thought we were going to have when we had you.

Well, you know, you're going to be clocking on a bit by the time he gets to

school, aren't you? You can pick him up on the way back from the pensions

office. I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

You and Mum.

Look, look, darling, look, look. Now, I know this is very difficult for you to

understand, but just try to imagine that we are normal.

See? And once you've grasped that, the rest will come very easy.

So what are you going to do?

What are we going to do?

Well, we're going to look after your mother.

She's here to see plenty of nourishment.

She's had plenty of that tonight, hasn't she? I'm starving.

If it goes on like this, you're going to need the baby to replace her.

That's the most sensible remark you've come up with.

Now then, mother's got plenty of rest and no worries.

That's it. Now, just remember that. What mother wants, mother gets.

That's a beauty, isn't it? That is something else, Dad.

What do you mean something else? It's a television set.

Oh, Dad, a new telly. Yes.

Is it colour? Of course.

Oh, smashing.

Not for you. For your mother.

What's for me?

Here. Oh, see.

Sit down. Sit down. Get your feet up. Come on.

Get your feet up.

That's it. There.

Now you can see all your favourite programmes in colour.

There's Magic Roundabout.

There's Pinky and Perky.

It should be.

I never watched those programmes.

Ah, yeah, but you will from now on, won't you?

I thought we were in the red.

Oh, let me worry about that.

Hey, Dad, if I can get this fixed, can we take it upstairs?

I'll be glad to see the back of it. Thank you. And take the plug off and put

on that one. You can buy your own plug.

What is going on?

Oh, come on, Mum. You know why he did it. Well, he knows why he did it, and we

know why he did it. Will somebody please tell me why he did it?

I went to the doctor, that's why.

I started to get excited about it. It has happened to me before, you know. We

know that.

I think too many strawberries did it. They overheat the blood.

Who's been eating strawberries?

Who's been eating strawberries, you or Dad?

Your father's got nothing to do with it.

Mum!

You haven't!

All right, I've been a bit silly.

I'll know better next time.

No more strawberries.

Are we talking about the same thing?

I'm talking about my allergy. What are you talking about?

We're talking about the baby.

Dad thinks you're having one.

Me having a baby?

It's the first I've heard of it.

He thinks you are, and it's costing him a fortune.

What are you laughing at? It's not really funny.

No, but it's very convenient, isn't it?

I mean, chocolate, new telly, right in the housekeeping.

Aren't you going to tell him?

Oh, well, of course she is. Aren't you, Mummy?

Of course I am.

Get up, get up. What's the matter with you? Get up.

Right,

I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

Mum, I thought you were going to tell him.

I will.

You're my own good type.

With cream.

thinks I'm going to be 48 if any minute.

Don't you think you're carrying it a bit far, Mum?

I mean, you know, he's already given up the sports page for the birth column.

Yes. And last night I caught him reading the maternity mirror.

He's getting very excited about it, isn't he?

Funny thing is, when I was really pregnant, he was a nervous wreck.

The night I went into hospital to have you, they had to carry him out the hair

and hound.

Turned out to be a false alarm.

They sent me home, kept your father in.

There's no way of knowing.

God, blimey, that's sexy.

What are you doing there? Come on, go lie down. Do you want to get swollen

ankles? Come on.

Get up, get up.

Now, come on, put your feet up there.

That's it.

All right?

There we are.

See that?

Very special, that one.

Welded seams.

No Hong Kong rubbish in there.

It's a bit soon for all that.

I hope this will be big enough.

Have you washed your hands?

Yeah.

That's a doll.

I know it's a doll.

What are you looking for? It's not very modern, is it?

What do you mean it's not very modern?

Daddy, they're making boy dolls and girl dolls now.

So? You don't expect me to go galloping around the shop peeping under their

nappies, do you?

What's so special about this?

That's non -skid.

Not like yours.

You used to start in here and finish up on the grass verge.

Oh, I know it all, I promise you, I'll never forget it. See that? There's the

old dummy.

Shove it in his sugar, bung it in his mouth, and if that doesn't work, shove

fingers in the syrup and give him a feather to play with.

I told you something. You can't tell me anything. No, no, no.

Off with the nappies, on with the powder, in with the great water and up

the wind.

Sally, Mike, would you leave your dad and me alone? Hang on, hang on. Just a

minute.

Oh, dear.

There I go.

Oh, thank you.

About time somebody congratulated me.

Hold that.

Yeah, and cuddle that as well. There we are.

Now, stop that, Sid. I've got to talk to you. Now, now, don't you start. I've

had enough trouble with him.

Are you going to keep it, he said?

Anybody think you want to have a parrot or something?

Sid, look, I've got to tell you. I know. Now, do you remember when... I remember

it was the day Chelsea won the Cup.

Sid, look, it's going to be a big shock to you. I know. But... You are going to

have twins.

That's what you've been...

A little boy and a little girl. A little girl like Sally.

Oh, good, not another one like him.

Ed, I'm not having twins.

Quads, then?

I'm not having quads.

You know something, I feel ten years younger.

I'm going to give up my vitamin pills altogether and cut my iron jelloids down

to one a day.

Funny, don't remember drinking that.

Never mind, I'll get on with this and I'll start on the playpen.

See you later.

Well, you didn't do that very well.

You know, if you go on much further, Mum, you're going to have to start

a cushion.

What can I do?

Well, couldn't you, you know, couldn't I what?

Go to bed early tonight.

Oh, that's typical of the younger generation, isn't it?

You think all your problems are solved in bed?

Well, let's face it, Mum, this one could be.

Yes, that's a pretty nasty bag you have there.

Yes, well, I would make you one of these do -it -yourself clay pens.

Oh, really? Well, Mr. Abbott... It's very good. I've got special safety

on each corner.

Oh, how very nice.

Houdini couldn't get out of it, you know that?

Sounds ideal, but what would you want a clay pen for?

Well, it's not to keep the dog in, is it?

Well,

goodbye, Mr. Abbott. Hey, oh, yes, yes, of course, Don. Thank you, Don.

Pleasure.

Um, is there anything special I ought to get the wife?

No, no, no, no. Now we've found out what caused it, it's up to her never to do

it again.

Never to do it again?

No. Just apply the lotion. It should disappear in a week or two.

Disappear? What are you talking about?

It's just an allergy, that's all.

I told you it didn't have it in you, see?

Or you can give your wife's an allergy.

Shut up. It's not funny.

It cost me 12 quid for a load of rubbishy toys.

I can't afford to come in here for three weeks at least.

I'll have to sit at home and play with a teddy bear.

I bought her a new television, flowers, chocolates.

She even took my egg.

I was looking forward to being a daddy again, you know that?

Pushing the pram, playing with the toys.

Just a minute.

She must have known all the time.

She's been having it on, Sid.

She has, hasn't she?

Oh, well, she'll sort that out.

What are you going to do then?

You'll find out, matey.

Hello? Oh, hello, Jerry.

It's Trevor.

Oh, hello, Trevor.

I'm with Sid.

We're having a bit of a celebration.

Celebration? Yeah.

About Sid becoming a daddy.

Oh, dear.

We're having a great... time.

That's Mr. Crumshaw. I think he's had a bit too much.

Could I speak to Sid a minute, Trevor? Oh, you did. Hold on.

Sid? Yeah?

It's Jean. She's on the blower. She wants to work with you. Hang on a

Now, put me down, fellas. It's coming.

I've got to go to your wife. Hang on.

Hello, darling.

Hello, Sid.

Look, I've got to talk to you. Yeah, you'll have to speak to her.

Everybody's gone rabid mad, eh?

They didn't think I was sick.

Yes, you know those big audience outside the firm, they put up a big notice.

Should have it, strikes again.

Yes, and it's all up on the notice board, and they're lifting little

all sorts of things. No, it's all happening there.

Maurice and Johnny Goofy!

Maurice and Johnny Goofy!

Sir Archie!

Maurice and Johnny Goofy!

And so shall all of us.

Well, that should get away.

Get away.

Wait till I get home, mate, then she will be worried.

What's that?

It's a pram, isn't it?

What's it for?

What's it for? It's for my baby.

You mean you put a baby of ours in that?

Why not? It's only had coal in it.

It hasn't got a hood.

Yeah, well, it's a summer baby, isn't it?

I mean, by the time the winter comes, you'll be able to hold the umbrella up.

I wouldn't be seen dead pushing that.

Well, blimey, of course you... I mean, it's second -hand, isn't it? One owner,

1927.

Might have had one owner, but she had 15 kids.

Why is there any better than that?

Well, blimey, I have to cut down somewhere, don't I? We've got the

coming in as well.

Builders? I'm changing our bedroom into a nursery.

Pink ducks on the wall, Mickey Mouse curtains, pale blue potty with a cotty

match.

How much, I ask? Oh, just a couple of bits of emulsion, some lino on the

and a couple of sacks over the windows, and we'll keep with the lawnmower.

Thank you.

That's all right. Here, try it for size. Come on.

Try it for size.

Go on, hold it.

Oh, that's marvellous. What a wonderful picture. What a picture.

What a photograph.

Come on, push it.

Into reverse,

that's it.

There we are. Hang on.

When you go out, don't forget to take the break.

I pushed this vehicle all the way from the air announce.

I've been drinking with the lads and I've had a talk with Dr. Winters.

Dr. Winters? Yes, he's a nice fellow, isn't he?

You knew. You knew all the time.

Ah, yes. Of course I knew all the time.

You're not angry?

No, why should I be angry?

All the money you spent, the toys.

Oh, the toys will still come in handy.

And I've ordered a new pram.

And... Yes?

Chelsea won today, 3 -0.

Now, now, steady.