Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

This is the daily report of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Several of my crew and presently being tried for crimes against the Space Corps.

This is gonna sound nuts,

but the whole crew died, including you, and you've were resurrected by these microscopic little robots.

I've got to track down these nanos to corroborate our story, otherwise who will believe our defence?

Only meths drinkers and the Corn Circle Society. I need your help, man.

I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist - the works.

I can make you look like a genius.

You can get promoted in the field, man. You won't have to take exams. Just help me escape.

I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of power and glory? You really think...

OK, I'll do it.

- You'll have to prove it to me first. - You're on.

- Get me promoted. - The confidential files are in Starbug's cockpit.

There's a senile version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.

(TAPPING KEYS)

Yes!

My captain, sir.

Rimmer, is this salute ever gonna end?

Do I have time to go for a cup of coffee, maybe go on vacation?

Nearly finished, sir.

It's my very special extra-long salute I reserve for the especially important, sir.

You wanted to see me?

I'm concerned over some of the safety procedures on board, sir.

There's a potentially lethal scenario concerning drive plates, sir.

Obviously, anyone who misrepaired one of these plates would have to have a brain the size of a leprechaun's testicle,

nevertheless, sir, like German tourists, the stupid are everywhere.

I propose the following new safety procedures, sir.

Did you really think of this?

Permission to look smug, sir.

Permission granted.

Good work, Rimmer. Great work.

Oh, before I go, sir,

Happy wedding anniversary, sir.

I'm sure you must be missing her terribly.

A blueberry muffin...

..like Martha used to make.

Well, thanks, Rimmer. Dismissed.

Sir, just one more thing.

I know the medical guys think we've run out of this stuff,

but I found some unopened medi crates in storage, sir.

If this is useful to you in any way, it's yours, no questions asked.

"Anus Soothe Pile Cream.”

"The easy-to-apply cream that comes with its own special glove."

One size fits all.

I could tell from your walk.

Rimmer...

Could you post this for me?

Why, certainly, sir.

Oh, it's addressed to me, sir.

I'm giving a supper for some of the guys that I've marked out for greater things.

And you want me to be the wine waiter, sir?

This report is first rate.

I want you to come to supper.

See you on Friday. Incidentally, it's black tie.

Thai, Chinese - I'll eat anything, sir.

Though I would prefer it if it wasn't black.

Any chance of having mine medium rare, sir?

Just go. Wear what the hell you want.

Get undressed.

Fill this up behind the screen.

(PHRRT!)

(WHIRRING DRILL)

Kryten, hi.

What are you doing here?

What's wrong?

I've been classified as a woman.

A woman? Why?

Well, because I haven't got a... penis.

It's a Space Corps directive to prevent gender ambiguity in jail.

What's the saying? "If you've got nothing to swing, you can't be with Bing!"

Well, what happened, did you lose it?

I was never issued with one, ma'am. Why would I need one unless somehow

I lost both arms and there was an emergency situation to write my name in the snow?

So you mean, you've never had a steak pie, peas and chips, then?

I think the phrase is meat and two veg, ma'am.

The only mechanoids that were ever issued with genitals were the ones created to work on Italian starships.

It was felt they could acclimatise themselves better

if they could mimic their Italian crewmates and stand around cupping themselves all day.

Hey! Now you're a woman, it's gonna mean some big changes in the way you behave.

I'm not going to be a woman for long, ma'am. Just overnight.

They want my permission to repair my corrupted files. Tomorrow afternoon - restore my factory settings!

But your corrupted files are what make you you.

I've been diagnosed as being quirky and unstable.

Spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!

Quirky?! How could they reach a verdict like that? As for unstable, it makes me so...

- Darn it, I still haven't got the hang of that emotion have I? - What was it supposed to be?

Ambivalence. Didn't come out right though, did it? I looked like Mr Lister when he's forced to eat fruit.

Look, what are you going to do?

Well I have to go along with them, ma'am. I can't say no. They are my superiors.

You've got to say no. - I can't.

They're better than me, I'm not strong enough.

Right, here's a tip. If you get scared tomorrow, just imagine what they look like on the loo.

- Can you see ‘em? - No, I...

Ooh!

- Yes, I can. - Do they still seem better than you?

- No ma'am. - Do they still seem superior?

No, ma'am!

Well, that's what you've got to do tomorrow, just recreate that picture.

(LAUGHS)

- It works for everyone. - Yes! Who are you looking at now?

You, ma'am!

Be upstanding.

Just relax. Rimmer's gonna help us escape.

This inquiry's a piece of cake. We're just going through the motions.

Let's get this inquiry underway.

You have refused defence assistance. Is that right?

OK, this is what we do. I've watched a lot of TV shows, and we all huddle together like this

and whisper for a while before we answer and it looks like we know what we're doing.

We intend to defend ourselves.

You see how good that looked?

- Are you familiar with the mind scan? - We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.

You are aware that it pictorially enhances the cognitive process,

making your innermost thoughts available for recording and viewing to a Board of Inquiry?

- Yes, sir. - You understand that it will involve the administration

of psychotropic drugs, that is, drugs which affect your mental state, making this process possible.

- If you accept, say "Aye". - (ALL) Aye.

Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided.

We reconvene at 10 a.m. tomorrow.

The plan's working, Listy.

Operation Get Rimmer Officerhood, Power and Eminence - or GROPE for short -

is bang on course.

So that information I gave them on the drive plates worked, then? Yes!

The captain's face! He couldn't have been happier if I'd given him two girls wrestling in a giant vat of baked beans,

then removed the girls and handed him a spoon.

He's never been so pleased. And get this, he's invited me to supper with the movers and the shakers.

The movers and the shakers?

You're going to supper with some removal men and a group of people suffering from Parkinson's Disease?

At last I'll be able to exorcise my father's disapproval.

Those terrible sneery looks he gave me as he stood on the touchline

watching me captain the school skipping team.

He was never proud of me.

What other father would claim to have an alibi for his sperm on the night of conception?

Who cares now? Not me, Listy. I'm on my way up the ziggurat lickety-split.

Don't forget your part of the deal - the override code for this so I can leg it.

- It's too soon. I'm not an officer yet. - The trial begins tomorrow, man. Without the nanobots,

our defence has more holes than my socks.

But once you've legged it, where does that leave me? I'm not helping you escape then losing my insider knowledge.

- I'm not an officer yet. - Whoa! We shook hands on a deal.

Yeah, but Lister, you know me.

My handshake's less reliable than a plumber's estimate.

No escapo, no more info.

Listy, that's not gonna help you.

I've got the confidential files.

Plus I went through Starbug's salvage, and I found these.

- The luck virus. Sexual magnetism. - Positive viruses. Holly told me everything.

Take some of this, it gives you luck and this gives you sexual magnetism. I've already tried some.

Right now, Yvonne McGruder is sleeping off the first 23 pages of the "Kama Sutra".

So, you're reneging on the deal, then, breaking your promise?

Being a total scum-sucking, two-faced weaselly weasel.

Ah! My entry in "Who's Who?"

You left some of your luck behind, man. I touched the tube.

Sheer Luck!

Yes!

You may, if you prefer, stand with the others tomorrow and the face charges against you.

However, I advise that you have your corrupted files repaired,

after which you may go free.

What is your decision?

NNN...

NNN...

NNN... Oh, it's no good.

OK, let's all stay calm. No need to be alarmed.

After all, Kryten is merely holding us hostage, which is lovely, isn't it, everyone?

We don't want any trouble. we'll just do what you say.

Come on, then. Come with me.

(KRYTEN) Go on... Inside, inside. That's it. Go on. All of you. Quick, quick, quick, quick. Here we go.

That's it. Now, I want you to take down your pants and sit on a toilet.

- Oh, my God. He's mad. - Then what are you going to do to us?

I'm going to look at you.

He's totally mad.

Just do what he says.

Lovely!

(LAUGHS)

(HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER)

Now I want you to ask me the question again.

- What question? - Do I want to have my corrupted files repaired?

Do you want your corrupted files repaired?

NNN...

NNN...

NNNNo.

I did it! No. Nnnno, I don't.

The answer to the question is no.

No doubt about it. I do not want my corrupted files repaired. The answer is Nnnnno!

And you just put in any old code you felt like, and the luck virus made you pick the right one? That's brilliant!

- Yeah, I just rubbed me finger over the top of the tube. - That's brilliant, that's just brilliant!

Oh, it's a pity you didn't do the same with the sexual magnetism.

(SHE MOANS)

Is that a new shirt?

No. I've had it a while.

- It's really nice. - Thanks.

- It's really, really nice. Really suits you. - Thanks.

It brings out the brownness in your eyes.

Oh, God, Dave, I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened there.

I think I do.

I had some sexual magnetism virus on this hand,

but the luck virus cured it for me. Thanks, pal (!)

I don't know what got into me.

Well, nothing, sadly.

Hello. I'm the Data Doctor.

If you would like me to examine your hard disk, press examine.

Your mechanoid appears to have developed the following rogue emotions.

If you wish to eradicate these emotions from his database, press fix.

All line blocks and corrupted personality disks

have now been fixed,

Reboot your mechanoid.

His personality has now been restored to its factory settings.

My name is Kryten.

I am programmed to serve.

Can I be of service?

- Bring me a coffee, please, Kryten. - Certainly, ma'am.

Then you may scrub the floor.

Yes, ma'am.

Are you happy, Kryten?

I have no understanding of human emotions, ma'am. I am programmed to serve.

Excellent.

I'm gonna be Colin Charisma at the captain’s supper with this stuff.

(ALL) Hi.

Hi.

And if we approach lightspeed, I think we have to be aware

we could come across something I believe we'd experience called future echoes.

Episodal pockets of futurey things.

- From the future. - Fascinating.

What a fascinating man you are, Mr Rimmer.

I think we've greatly underestimated you over the years, Arnold.

- Let me find out where that coffee is. - Oh no, Captain please. Allow me.

Perhaps you could help me, Mr Rimmer?

Why, certainly, and perhaps we can talk about my theory on backwards universes.

And of course, in a backwards universe, many things start to make more sense...

Oh, my God, you are sexy!

So very, very sexy!

- Bravo, bud. What now? - Well, we find Kryten, get to the landing bay

grab a ship and get the hell out of town.

- (BEEPING) - He's on this floor.

Here he is.

Krytie, come on.

Are you addressing me, sir? I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

What have they done do you, Kryten? You sound like Noel Coward's elocution teacher!

Well, if you'll forgive me, sir, I have my duties to perform. Good day.

Oh, they've fixed all his corrupted files. He mustn't have been able to say no.

Someone's coming!

- We've got to get a better disguise. - We already got a disguise!

What's the point of a disguise, if you wear it under your normal outfit?

A grey boiler suit? You think I'm gonna wear this on the outside?

Look, we're not leaving without him.

I don't care what they've done to him, he's coming with us. He's part of the posse.

Hey, I've got a great idea for a new disguise!

What?

The Dibbley family!

Yes!

Ah, there you are.

Any news on the coffee?

Drat! We forgot.

I'll find out right away, sir.

I'll give you a hand, Mr Rimmer.

Sorry to interrupt, sir, but we're searching this floor for the escaped prisoners.

Sorry, we haven't seen 'em. It's just me, my wife here, and my brother.

- Hello - Hi

- Hi - I don't recollect seeing you guys before.

That's because we don't go out much looking like this.

What do you guys do?

Computer programmers.

- If you see anything suspicious, call security OK? - Oh, you bet.

Begging your pardon, sirs. I just need to get a mop.

How peculiar. My mop heads are missing.

Don't I know you, sir? Wayne...

Wayne something... Wayne Wibbley.

- Where do I know you from? - No no, sir. You're mistaken.

You're mixing me up with some other big-teethed dork.

Let him speak. Where do you know him from?

- Are you out of your mind? - Shh, shh.

Where do you know him from? Think!

I feel I'm about to discover something wonderful,

but when I discover it, it will put someone in great danger.

I feel an emotion.

I feel two emotions.

Two different emotions. I feel...

- I feel... - Ambivalence.

I can feel my files corrupting.

They're corrupting... (GROANS)

Oh, yes! That's good.

I'm back and I'm bad - obviously, within certain sensible preset parameters.

(HOLLY) Attention! Reported prisoner sighting on C deck.

Reported prisoner sighting on C deck.

Nice one, Hol!

- What's wrong with you? - Do you get the impression this is too easy?

Like everything's going for us? Like they always want us to escape?

Hey, I was just thinking aloud.

- No, no, the luck virus. It's helping us. - Oh.

A-choo!

Put your kit on.

(GASPS)

Here we are. Remembered the coffee at last.

What about the mints?

I'll go.

Would you like to help me, Mr Rimmer?

It's just, I've got so much coffee, I don't think I can manage to get any mints until tomorrow.

Well, psychotropic testing should be well underway by now.

- Those results sure are gonna be interesting. - Psychotropic what?

The Lister case is so unusual that I decided to invoke my right to use psychotropic evidence.

The accused are drugged, wired to a mainframe,

then the computer feeds in various hypothetical scenarios

and their reactions are laid down on tape.

Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what they do.

So that means that if anyone happens to mention any special agreements

that they've entered into, then...

Could you excuse me? I think I've... left the iron on.

(FEMALE OFFICERS) Hi... (RIMMER) Hi...

What is wrong with me? I've got the sexual appetite of a mountain lion.

No, worse - a first-year nursing student.

It's just being wanted, it's such an aphrodisiac. Got to get some control back.

- Hi. - Hi....

I never realised you were so damn popular with the ladies.

- Maybe you can share your secret some time. - Yes, sir.

("Little Green Bag" by George Baker)

- (SQUEAKING) - Guys, it's Bob and Madge.

Shoo, guys, shoo. Go on, we're trying to escape.

You'll never get past security so, go on! Go on!

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# [ want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #