Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

Remember Argyle Somerfield, the old movie star?

83, according to this. He's just had a baby with his nurse.

"It was love at first sight," she cooed. "I've always liked older men.”

God, if she ever met Tutankhamen, he wouldn't stand a chance.

She'd have his bandages off before he could say "Silicone implants"!

There's a picture of them here with their newborn.

There's Argyle, and there's the baby.

No, no no no... THERE'S Argyle and THERE'S the baby.

I was thrown for a minute by the bib and the bonnet.

I thought it was the baby at first.

An 85-year-old dad?!

How's that gonna work?

I bet he's gonna get up in the middle of the night to help give the baby its feed.

He'll probably pretend to be dead.

"Darling, can you feed the baby his bottle tonight?"

It's not gonna work, is it?

The only advantage, as far as I can see,

is the wife can change both their nappies at the same time!

Are you still not talking to me? It's unbelievably childish, you know.

I've a good mind to fill your shoes with runny porridge again.

That'd teach you a lesson about maturity.

All right, I tell you what. I bet I can make you say something in the next minute.

20 big ones.

Shake on it.

All right. If I'm on, say nothing.

I'm on!

OK.

I'm going to say something , alright? And you're going to totally lose it. Are you ready? Ready?

All right. Several years ago, when money was not abundant, and I needed, I mean, medically needed a pint...

I took some money from your purse.

(GROANING)

(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

Oh God, it was horrible going in there.

The wallet that time forgot!

Not that there was any point. The barman on B Deck wouldn't serve me.

Said doubloons weren't legal tender any more.

He said you should have handed them in after the Spanish Armada!

I thought I'd get you going. You hate digs about your stinginess.

It usually makes you so agitated that you've gotta go and make a cup of tea with a brand-new tea bag!

Well, still... Plenty of time to go.

(LAUGHS)

Remember Yvonne McGruder?

You really liked her, didn't you?

I used to go out with her, y'know? - before you did. You didn't know that, did you?

Broke up in the end. Really hurt me. Still got the scars today.

They never heal, carpet burns, do they?

Both cheeks, man!

She nearly wore them down to the bone!

(SCREECHES)

Will you shut up?!

What did I tell ya?

20 big ones.

I've listened to you wittling on now for what seems like two ice ages.

My mind is so numb and braindead

I feel like I've attended a three-day seminar entitled 'The Future of Plumbing'.

Have you any idea how irritating you've just been?

You're a master. There are things you could teach to tropical skin diseases.

- Well, talk to me, then. - No!

Look, I'm sorry, OK. How many times do you want me to say it?

- I am sorry! - No, you're not.

- It was an accident. - An accident? You poured a whole tube of it over me,

you disgusting, rotting, fetid piece of congealed monkey vomit!

Oh, at last you're talking to me. I knew we'd make it up.

83?!

(CAT) It seems even bigger than I remember.

Er... guys, we got a problem!

Hey guys, look at me body.

There's an invitation that will not cause a stampede!

- No, it's back to normal. - No time for that now ,sir.

We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf, and Starbug appears to be expanding!

It's not Starbug that's expanding. It's Red Dwarf that's shrinking!

It must be something to do with the nanobot's molecular process, just like my body.

We're being sucked into a vent. I can't fight it.

- (KRIS) Air-vent walls closing in. - We must action, be bold, positive, decisive.

- Suggest we move from blue alert to red alert, sir. - Forget red.

Let's go all the way up to brown alert!

There's no such thing as brown alert.

You won't be saying that in a minute!

And don't say I didn't alert you.

All right, dudes. Anyone fancy a game of charades using just your nose,

- or is this a bad time? - Holly, we're about to get crushed to death!

So that's a no, then is it?

Once the nanos rebuilt the ship,

I thought things were going to get back to normal.

We don't know where we are, what to do, and haven't a clue what's happening.

Things ARE back to normal.

You don't even fancy a bit of a quick one?

Science-fiction film, name of the ship, one word.

(HUMS THROUGH HIS NOSE)

The Nostrilomo!

Spent a week thinking that one up.

Good, innit?

Computing time to impact. Calculations coming through. Here they come.

How long have we got?

About the time it takes to read a stop sign, sir.

That's OK then. I don't always get through those in one sitting.

What are our chances of getting out of here?

About the same odds as discovering Mr Lister saddle-stitching the hem of a pair of lemon maternity slacks.

I must admit, it's been a while since I did that. Can't you get this crate to go faster?

It's gonna be like getting crushed to death by a gigantic trouser press!

Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free.

- I always prayed I'd go out like that. - There may be a way through this if we take a detour.

Go past Epsilon 14 and take a right at the hydro unit, we'll save about two minutes.

What do you say, sir? I don't understand a woman who's hurtling towards 30 and still has a teddy called Boo-Boo.

- But when it comes to navigation, there's none finer! - What's your view, Hol?

Straight up your nose when you lean in like that.

Epsilon 14.

There's some kind of heartbeat up ahead.

- And it's beating at an incredible rate. - You mean there's a heart out there with no body?

No wonder it's beating so fast!

(THROBBING HEARTBEAT)

Hope we don't get stopped by the cops.

They don't like it when you're rat-arsed.

According to the desk we've lost all engines.

Hey, didn't I read somewhere that can seriously affect your ability to fly?

Now we've lost the midsection and the kitchen.

I'm sorry, everyone, but we may have to have sandwiches for lunch.

(ALL) Oh...

(COUGHING)

- Dave? - Selby...

Chen... Is it really you?

Is it really us? Hang on. I'll check.

- Think it's us. - Guys, this is brilliant.

- I can't believe it! - You know these people, sir?

Know them? When they've been drunk and unconscious,

I've taken their clothes off and painted parts of them green. Of course I know them!

This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!

- How? - The nanos must've resurrected them along with the ship.

This is Chen. He works in the kitchen and he's always drunk.

And this is Selby, and he's always drunk, too. Where's Petersen?

He couldn't make it.

He's drunk!

The crew are all alive. Great news. wonderful, marvellous, incredible news.

All that extra ironing - bliss!

Mr Thornton, read them their rights.

David Lister, you are formally charged with stealing and crashing a Starbug,

You are also charged with having no pilot's licence,

and smuggling two stowaways onboard along with Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski.

Anything you say now or do not say now may be used by the board of inquiry against you.

Do you require any form of aid?

Yeah, lemonade and a really large Scotch.

Left, right, left, right...

- Relax. You're gonna burst a blood vessel. - Shut up you maggot Do you understand?!

- Do you understand?! - Yes.

Yes, what?

- Yes, Mr Shouty. - Yes, sir! Left, right, left, right...

... left, right. Halt!

Left arm.

At ease.

(HOLLY) All right, dude?

They don't know about you yet, Hol. It might be an idea to keep it that way. I need some info.

If the board of enquiry finds us guilty tomorrow, what happens then?

Well, they'll probably have a pot of tea, a bit of a chat and go home, I suppose.

What happens to us, you divvy, not them!

Well, if you lose, you'll probably get a couple of years in the brig.

- What brig? - The brig on floor 13,

- There isn't a floor 13. - Yeah, there is. It was classified,

A need-to-know-only basis.

- So who knew? - Well all the officers,

and anyone who's ever seen "The Twilight Zone".

So what's it like, this brig?

If I was an estate agent, I'd probably describe it as an old-style penal establishment,

abundant wildlife, 200 bedrooms

all with en suite buckets.

Smegging "ell!

They call it the Tank.

There was an inmate population of 400 all being transported to Adelphi 12

- Presumably they've all been resurrected, too. - What are they like? No, don't tell me I already know.

They're all deranged, hairy no-lobers, breath like old nappies, arms like toilet walls,

scum-of-the-universe, they're all like that aren't they?

Well, the nice ones are, yeah.

Hang on. I've got one of them on file somewhere. Here we go.

I'm Nigel.

I'm nice.

See what I mean? They're not all headbangers.

Nige is lovely. Though he does tend to get a bit narky

if you go too close to him with a magnet.

Thanks, very much Hol. You're really cheering me up (!)

The brig!

Two years!

Two years without curry and lager!

Two years without sex!

You hope.

- Rimmer! - Words out, they're gonna throw the book at you, Listy,

followed by the bookcase and then the library, brick by brick.

God, it's you like you used to be.

Uugh...

What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug, miladdo. You're a technician. A zero. A nobody.

Look, this is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you,

and you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots.

- I died? - Yeah.

- All the crew died? -Yeah.

And you're gonna spend the next two years in the brig

with a load of Neanderthals with badly spelt tattoos?

So where are we? Is this my heaven?

Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out. I survived ‘cause I was in stasis.

Then these nanos arrived, rebuilt the ship and resurrected the crew.

So where are they? - Dunno. Gone. Scarpered. Maybe I should take the Fifth.

The Fifth? If I were you, I'd take the Sixth, Seventh and Eighth, too.

I've gotta track down these nanos to corroborate our story, otherwise who will believe our defence?

Only meths drinkers and the Corn Circle Society. I need your help, man.

- Me? - Who else is gonna help me? I'm confined to quarters.

The minute I walk through that door, I get enough wattage up me jacksy to light up the whole of Bootle.

Well, considering what the future has in store for your jacksy,

a couple of zillion volts is gonna be easy street.

Why have the nanobots done this? Put us in this situation?

In the past, they've only ever done things which have

ultimately benefited us. We should take comfort in that.

- Like what? - Like when they first stole Red Dwarf.

And took on a merry goose chase halfway around the galaxy.

They led us to Legion, where Mr Rimmer acquired a hard-light body.

Benefit.

And then they took us back to Red Dwarf and rebooted Holly.

Benefit. And after that, they led you to the temporal rip where you met me.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(HISSING SPRAY)

What's this rumour that we're three million light years into deep space, and Red Dwarf's changed shape?

That is classified information, Karen! Who the hell told you that?

The coffee machine on G Deck.

Damn coffee machine! I'm gonna bust his ass down to tampon dispenser.

Is it true?

Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it.

Starbug took out one of his CPU banks in the crash and we're having trouble rebooting.

The coffee machine said the ship's now identical to its original design plans

before the JMC made all its cutbacks.

We now have a quark level matter-anti-matter generator,

ship wired by bio-organic computer networking, and a karaoke bar on C deck.

But how? And how did we wind up in deep space?

Nobody knows.

We don't believe this one's human. Take a look at this.

(WHISTLES) Has he got the measles?

Those are his nipples, Frank.

Six nipples? I wonder what's the female of the species like?

Pretty easy to please in bed.

Especially if you play the piano.

- His internal organs are different, too. - In what way?

His kidney, liver, appendix, are colour-coordinated.

And even weirder, his stomach wall appears to be decorated.

This guy's intestines look better than my quarters.

His heartbeat's weird, too. Instead of a normal heartbeat, his sounds...cooler.

Do you think I'm gonna have the dorky human heartbeat? Doo-duh. Doo-duh.

Doo-duh. Doo-duh. Where's the tune in that?

Let me hear it.

(HIP-HOP BEAT)

Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.

(SAMBA RHYTHM)

That's good. Will you slam that down on tape for me?

Rimmer, I'm begging you man, help me escape. I've got to track down these nanobots.

I'm not risking my career and standing for you, Lister. I'm going places.

Up the ziggurat lickety-split (!)

Up the ziggurat lickety-split, precisely. I'm going to pass the engineering exam.

- And become an officer. - And become an officer, yes.

A guy of honour, decency and breeding.

Are you saying I haven't got those qualities?

Generally, people with breeding, when they're bored

and want my bridge club chums to wrap up and go home -

people with breeding, generally do not play "Popeye the Sailor Man"

with a kazoo inserted between their buttocks.

I remember that.

(LAUGHS) I used to do that sort of thing, didn't I ?

And while we're on the subject. When someone's had a tad too much claret and has fallen asleep naked on their bunk,

people of honour generally don't take a Polaroid of your snoozing todger,

draw a moustache, mouth and ears on it...

..then pin it up on the bulletin board under "Missing Persons".

They don't write underneath, "Have you seen this man, believed to be a French movie star?"

As if your todger with a couple of eyes drawn on it would look like a French movie star.

Way too good-looking.

- Don't expect help from me, Lister. - But that was years ago.

- It was last week! - Yeah, last week for you.

You've just been resurrected - years ago for me.

Anyway, I was wurlitzered then. I even finished off the advocaat.

I even downed that smeg-awful pink stuff at the back of the drinks cabinet.

That was my windolene.

I must've left it there when I was cleaning the glass.

It tasted all right with that chartreuse green liqueury thing in it.

You drank my Swarfega, too? You're unbelievable.

I'm changed, I'm different now. More mature. More debonair.

I don't even stir me tea with a spanner any more. You'd hardly recognise me.

- Have you stopped playing the guitar? - No.

But I've stopped accompanying myself on me armpit.

What I'm trying to say is I don't have to take my frustrations out on you any more.

How's that?

I've been away. What is it? Five, six years not counting stasis? I've done stuff.

Stuff that would make your hair straight. I've come through it.

- I can help you. - Do what?

Get promoted.

Preposterous!

How?

Information. I've seen the crew's confidential reports. I've seen their strengths and weaknesses.

- How? - Well, before you were resurrected,

I had the run of the whole of the ship.

I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapists - the works.

Knowledge is power. Who said that?

- I don't know. - Nor do I.

The point I'm making is I can make you look like a genius.

You can get promoted in the field, man. You won't have to take exams - do that astroengineering smeg.

Just help me escape?

I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of power and glory? You really think...

OK, I'll do it.

- But, you'll have to prove it to me first. - You're on.

- Get me promoted. - You've got it.

OK. Deal.

You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit.

A senile version of Holly is loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.

(MCCLAREN) Hello. I'm Dr Lucas McClaren. I'm the ship's chief psychiatric counsellor.

And I thought it was about time we got together and had a really good natter.

My name is Kryten, sir.

Lovely. We are doing well, aren't we!

Now, you're a robot, aren't you?

I was the last time I looked, sir, yes.

And can you tell me when you were created? Can you remember?

2340, sir.

Very good. 2340.

Now, that's in the future, isn't it?

Yes, sir. I was created after you died.

Lovely!

So, I died and you were created - and how long would you say I've been dead altogether?

- You're not dead any more, sir. - Aren't I?

- No, no. You're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell? - Right...

I was alive, died, and then started living again.

- You've been most fortunate, sir. - I have, haven't I?!

(CHUCKLES) Golly. Your chair IS screwed down, isn't it, Kryten?

- Yes, sir. - Just checking. Excellent. Lovely. Lovely...

So...

How did I suddenly spring back to life again?

You were rebuilt, sir, by these teeny-weeny teenty little robots.

- Teenty little robots? - And they make this little noise.

(SQUEAKS) Mini-mini-mini-mini-mini-mini

Yes. just double-check that chair for me, would you, Kryten?

- It IS screwed down, isn't it? - Yes, sir.

with long, long screws that go deep, deep into the ground?

Yes, sir.

Now, tell me. What kind of robot do you think you are? What were you programmed to do?

I'm a sanitation droid, sir... I'm programmed to do sanitation-type things - washing, cleaning, ironing.

You also drive spaceships though, don't you? Pretend to be the science officer

and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair with those lovely, pretty buttons and press them all.

Yes, I do that too, sir.

- That's sort of thanks to Mr Lister. - Mr Lister?

He helped me break my programming, sir.

Over the years, I've managed to develop some serious character faults of which I'm extremely proud.

I'm even able to lie to a modest standard.

For example: you have a very fine haircut.

(LAUGHS)

You see how good I've got? Also, I've completely mastered pomposity,

even though I say so myself.

I've also developed several rudimentary emotions, including fear...

(SHRIEKS) Oh, my God. It's going to kill us!

Sadness... (QUIETLY) Oh, my God. It's killed us.

Happiness...

Oh, no, it hasn't!

Surprise... (SQUEALS) Ooh! I've turned into a frog!

And just lately, I'm proud to say, I've got the hang of anger with rudimentary mindless violence. Arrgh!

That's a newie.

I was gonna launch it at this year's emotion show.

At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence,

which means feeling two opposite irreconcilable emotions about the same thing.

(GROANS)

As you can see, I haven't got the hang of that one yet.

I look like a dog with a caramel toffee.

- What is your relationship with Lister? - I love Mr Lister, sir. He taught me everything.

Without him, I'd probably be normal.

I'm gonna make a recommendation now, Kryten, which I think will help you,

but just before I do, just double-check that chair for me, would you?

(TAPPING KEYS)

Yes!

Luck virus? Sexual magnetism?

- (BEEP) - Holly, what's this?

They got them years ago from this scientist called Lanstrom.

They're positive viruses. One gives you sexual magnetism, and the other gives you luck.

Well, till your natural body defences combat the virus.

Sexual magnetism!

- Are you gonna use it? - Is Paris a kind of plaster? You bet I am!

A tiny swigette to see if it works.

Well, bottoms up.

Then bottoms down, and hopefully, bottoms up again!

(ALL) Hi there!

Ladies?

Hi, Arnold.

The world loves a bastard!

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #