Original subtitles

Hey, the girl's just about to go wild.

Listen, dear, I need to talk to you. Just watching a documentary about breast

cancer.

Those brave young doctors spending their spring break to cure this silent

killer.

Now, listen, dear, I don't want my grandchild to be born out of wedlock.

Well, me neither, but Kelly isn't ready to get married to me yet.

Well, I'm running for president of my condo association, and this will be a

disastrous scandal.

Well, I know you can win it for sure, but you're going to have to kill Bin

Laden.

My opponent is tough.

She's running on a platform that will allow green as an exterior door color.

Oh, my God, that's trivial.

Well, I couldn't think of anything else.

I am prepared to offer you $15 ,000 to get married before the baby comes.

Look, you can't bribe me to get married.

Fine. Make it $16 ,000.

Would you just stop it?

Dad gave you that money. You have to keep it, you know, so you don't become a

burden to me.

See, if you got married, you wouldn't need to watch those filthy little breast

cancer documentaries.

Honey, quick, put your hand up.

out of a chicken's ass.

No, honey, it didn't.

You know what? I don't want you to go into the delivery room after all. You'll

just be confused.

Okay, listen, you won't believe just what happened a few minutes ago. Yeah.

My mom offered $16 ,000 if we would get married before the baby comes. What?

That's crazy.

I know.

I would have done it for five.

I never get tired of this bit about how marrying me for love would be

ridiculous.

Come on.

It would be ridiculous if I didn't love you so much.

But, I mean, I think we're ready to get married now, Drew, don't you?

Oh, okay, I get it.

Lucy with the football. Let me get a head start.

No, no.

for the right reasons now, and not just because I'm pregnant with what's almost

certainly your child.

You better not be messing with me, because after eight months of begging,

little fragile. I know that you love me for me, and I'm ready.

Come on, Drew.

Ask me.

Come on.

Come on. All right.

Here goes.

Kelly?

I love you.

Will you marry me?

How soon do you need an answer? No!

Sorry,

I'm stupid. It's not funny. I thought it was funny. It's not. It's not funny.

Of course I'll marry you.

Oh.

I

can't

believe how many times I've pictured this exact moment right down to the meat

your hair.

a month until the baby comes. I'm sure I can plan a wedding in a couple weeks.

Boy, you were never this keen on getting married before the baby comes. I know,

honey, but now that I'm this big, I'm thinking I'm not going to lose all the

weight, so I've got to nail somebody down.

You know, it's one thing to joke about me not being the father, but don't you

ever joke about not losing the weight.

Walk me inside my boat.

I'm thinking of the wall of wine, yeah.

Adelaide, yeah.

Thank you,

everyone, for coming to this rehearsal brunch on such short notice and helping

out with the wedding. Now, we got to park, but everybody has to be there at 2

'clock sharp.

Because the sprinklers go on at 2 .45.

So you're not going to be working on Saturday, because this is the first I

of it.

Well, Mr. Wick, it's my wedding.

Yes, but I've got paperwork to do, and when I'm alone, I hear spooky noises.

Why don't you have Mimi come in? She doesn't just care the living, you know.

That's a good one.

Hand me the ninja star from my purse.

I took it out. I thought it was going to poke a hole in your diaphragm.

I'm not worried about that thing. It's taken a lot of punishment over the

Now the father of the bride would like to say a few words.

Thank you.

Well, the only thing a father really wants in this world is for his little

to be happy.

When I see her with... Well, guess who's late to her own daughter's rehearsal

brunch?

Let me guess, you and your janitor boyfriend hit the liquor store for a

and some scratchers?

A cold 40. What a brilliant description of our years together.

For your information, Don, we stopped to get Kelly some flowers.

Well, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but let's just say we had sex in the

bathroom.

As I was saying, all a father really wants for his daughter is sex in the

bathroom with a janitor.

No, why stop there?

Next time, try a homeless man in a dumpster.

Yeah!

Don, you are an angry little man who was fired for punching a co -worker over a

fantasy baseball trade gone wrong.

You know I left to start my own business. Oh, you walk around all day

into a dead phone.

I follow the cord. The other end goes into the air conditioning vent.

Well, the things you see when you black out and wake up under a coffee table.

Okay.

Don't bother the bride.

How about a big hand?

Forty years of marriage. They must be doing something right.

Anywho.

would like to make a toast to Kelly?

When I look around at all my friends and relatives, I realize that the love in

this room... Whore!

Whore!

Whore!

Whore!

Now, Don, you already had your toast.

Listen! Listen!

This is my wedding. I know you guys are miserable, but can't you just be happy?

Sweetheart, it's your father who refuses to be civil about this. Why can't we

just accept that sometimes adults make love in public restrooms?

That's it. No, no, no, no, no. That is it, Lewis. You have to leave.

Well, if he's leaving, I'm leaving.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't leave on my account, because I'm over you.

This one was checking me out earlier. Maybe I'll do her in the toilet.

Excuse me. Hey, that's my mother. You'll do her in the bedroom.

Baby, he means well.

Oh, please, please, everybody, just be quiet and let Drew finish his speech.

Yeah, shut up, Don.

My daughter asked you to leave.

Don't get over it! You're the one talking into the air conditioner!

Well said.

Hey, back off, Grand Milf. You're the one dating the janitor.

Oh, you can see my date? I thought you were blind.

That's it.

Where do you want it?

get in first. You can dishonor the court.

I was thinking the same thing, Drew, but my car's blocked in.

Hey, can you give us a ride down to City Hall?

You sure you want to go over there? That's kind of a real ferry.

I'll take my chances.

getting a burst of mini fresh flavor i'm here you're not spent the last 30 years

restoring this car buried my mother in a cardboard box so i could afford those

original formats yeah but my breath is bad i have to kiss the bride i don't

what you gotta do as long as nobody eats anything in my why am i wet

Oh, man, my floor mats.

Quick, Tony, you got to get us to the Cleveland Clinic.

How about I just drop you here?

Sure, in your condition, you shouldn't have any problem flagging somebody down.

Come on, man, you got to get us to the hospital.

Oh, man.

Hang on, honey, we'll be there in a minute.

Well, you might as well have your gum now.

My car is full of baby juice.

a couple more weeks left to study.

It means she could be two hours, she could be two days. Every woman's

Hey, honey, great news. This could be another two days.

You think that two days of labor is great?

How about I punch you in the testicles for two days?

We'll see how great you think that is.

No, I mean, we still have time to get married for the baby this year.

Drew.

I don't want my baby born out of wedlock.

Look, he's already a carry. That makes him a dodgeball target automatically.

I don't want to paint a bullseye on his back.

Great. Okay.

I'll go find a minister and you spend some more time putting the defibrillator

on your nipples.

Yeah, I heard you.

Oh, honey, we came as soon as we got the message. Have they given you any

Demerol yet?

Annette, you stay here and take care of Kelly.

You guys come with me. There's a chapel downstairs.

Maybe we can find a minister.

Can't wait till Kelly has the baby. I love that new baby smell.

It's almost as good as a new car smell.

Hey, you know, if you put a new baby in a new car, that'd be the best smell

ever.

Through this holy unction, may the Lord pardon thee whatever sin.

I'm giving this man the last rites.

Look, his girlfriend's giving birth. He needs to get married, okay?

You can help save the baby from being born out of wedlock and going to hell.

It'd really mean a lot to me if you let me get married before my kid comes.

I wish I could help, but I promised Mr.

Clark that I would stay with him until he goes to be with the Lord.

Well, uh, just a little ballpark estimate here.

Let's say the Lord was making dinner for Mr. Clark.

When would he put the noodles on?

I can't answer that.

Wait a minute.

What's that?

He's gone. Grab your oil. Let's rock, Padre.

Nice try. Nice try, boys. He's not even hooked up to anything.

I'm really sorry. Their spines aren't hooked up to anything.

My hands are tied. I'd love to perform your marriage, but I cannot leave, Mr.

Clark.

Coming. Oh, darling.

You look beautiful.

I suppose this is no sillier than those hippie weddings naked on a cliff.

Hey, if you can protest... war and hang on to a man at the same time, you do it.

I always thought I'd get married wearing a wedding dress and a veil and

underwear.

But the breeze is refreshing, so let's do this.

Is that the dead guy?

No, but I'm beginning to think he's hanging on just to spite us. True, true,

do know.

It's not like it's an omen or anything about what your married life's going to

be like.

Well, we can at least close the curtains.

Don't you want to introduce yourself? If he's going to hell, it'd be nice to

know someone when you get there.

I know this is going to be hard, but it's the only way we can do this. Are

okay? I'm okay, I'm okay. Let's just go.

I don't know what it is. The dying guy, the priest, the smell of disinfectant.

But I'm so horny right now.

for Larry Almada.

Can we just get on with this thing?

Drew's gonna have his hands full. Kelly's turning into a real princess.

Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today to join this couple in the bonds

holy matrimony.

Okay,

okay. Her contractions are getting very close. Why don't you check her?

What an awkward, sexy moment.

Maybe you can bury us in the hallway. I've already explained to you I can't.

Well, thanks for nothing.

And by the way, sex with women?

Fantastic.

How are you feeling?

To be honest, Doc, I'm a little scared.

Is it too late for the wedding?

No, but hurry, because we can see the top of the best man's head.

No! We're going to do this now?

Come on, it's just something to pass the time.

Do you, Kelly, take this man, Drew? Yes, yes, I do!

Do you, Drew, take this woman, Kelly, to be your lawfully wedded wife? Yeah,

what do you think? I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Oh, we were so close.

He's fine. He's just fine.

Oh, Drew.

He's beautiful.

So pretty. Oh, you did great, honey. I love you so much.

I love you.

at the vending machine on the way up here so we can count that time and say

was born in wedlock.

We did.

He looks just like his mom, so he really hit the jackpot.

You know, honey, we never did settle on a name.

I'm so exhausted from all this. Why don't you pick?

Well, maybe we should name him after the man who was kind enough to die and give

us a... priest.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea. What was Mr. Clark's first name?

Enos.

Well, nothing to do now except say thanks.

So thanks. It was a lot of fun.

Good night. Thanks a lot.

Cut, please.