Original subtitles

Mom, don't send me the shoes.

Because you bought them at a supermarket, and they're not real

I'm not wearing plastic shoes.

All right, stop crying.

Okay, stop crying. You win.

Send me the shoes. I'll wear the shoes.

Oh, yeah? Well, that software's defective.

Nobody rips off neverendingstore .com. Good day to you.

Who is that?

Jerry Clap over at Netco.

There is no Netco.

Don't tell that to Jerry Clap.

What if I just press redial?

You won't get anybody.

Netco's a mess.

You're just going to get some old lady who answers the phone. Hello?

Larry Clapp was my corrective P .E. teacher.

Okay, from now on, I'm keeping track of all your personal calls, and it's coming

out of your paycheck!

Hey, as a field big guy, you just got chewed out by somebody younger than your

suit.

Yeah, you're one to talk.

You've been wearing that since Barnum held you down and Bailey wrestled you

it.

Scott's been on edge all week. He got mad because Larry came and visited me at

work. Hey, if you don't want people to have sex in your warehouse, don't sell

beds or swing sets or glass coffee tables.

Do you have sex in the warehouse?

Yeah, you know, I sleep on those beds.

I eat lunch off those coffee tables.

Sometimes when I'm sad, I take a swing.

Well, something's been bothering him.

Hey, let's check his e -mail. I know his password.

Oh. Check this one out. It's from the Board of Health, and it's called...

STD partner notification.

Oh, syphilis.

Want to delete it and just watch him slowly go insane?

No, no. Go back to this one that has chapter 11 in the subject line.

Oh, crap.

Oh, my God.

You know what this means?

Never -ending store is going to go under.

Oh, great. We're screwed.

We're a couple of marginally skilled employees in our 40s with kids to

Yeah, you're screwed, but I got plastic shoes coming.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to East Lake underneath your silvery light.

Get her past the radar mouthy.

Bring her back to Lake County.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Moon over Parma, shine on I -271.

We can get together in the warm light of the sun.

We're going bowling, so don't lose your insolence.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Stay.

Hey, uh, what do you think?

It's ugly. Send it back.

It's beautiful. Sell it. We could use the money.

Look, I don't want to tell you this. It's terrible news.

Never -ending store is going to go under.

Oh, my God, Drew. What are we going to do?

Well, don't freak out and have the baby now. That's something else you made

we're going to have to sell.

This is so unfair. This keeps happening to you. Stupid bosses running good

businesses into the ground.

I know. I know. I could manage the store better than any one of them. Yeah.

I got to admit, you may be a loser.

But when it comes to running a department store, you're kind of an

Even your compliment has the word idiot in it.

I said loser, too, but you missed that, you moron.

You know, Drew, if you were the boss, you could open up that retro department

store idea of yours. Have you heard this? It's great.

It's kind of like Winford Louder was in the 40s. You know, we're going to have

marble floors, brass rails, guys in suits working the elevator.

And... clerks that actually wait on you and know things about the product.

I guess people pay more money for decent service. You see this? You should do

it. Okay.

I'll get the first five million by selling my toaster.

I know where you can get the money.

Yeah, I thought of that too, but then there's the cost of the tent and the

shackles and there's some kind of barker to get people to come in and see you.

Why don't you see if she really does know where she could get the money

you call her a freak shop?

I'll tell you.

But you've got to make me manage her cosmetics.

And I get a break every day between 3 and 4 to watch my judge shows.

Deal. While you're dreaming, why don't I make you the queen of the fish people

in your own undersea palace?

Nigel Wick.

He married into that Christian broadcast family over in Toledo.

That's right.

And his family just doesn't own TV stations. They don't own real estate and

malls and all kinds of things. Right, and he does like you. Out of all the

he could have married to get his green card, he chose you.

Yes, he did.

And I don't remember signing any divorce papers either.

Christian weatherman, huh?

I bet he'd fork over some money if I showed up barefoot, pregnant, and

And in California, record high temperatures will bake the entire

Get used to the hellfire, you liberal hippie fornicators.

I'm Scotty McGreenshower, and that's the weather brought to you by God and

Luke's Patio Furniture. Say Jesus saves and save up to 10%. And now over to

Bruce in the Godcopter with Christian traffic.

W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W

-W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W -W

-W -W

-W

What now?

Can we have the blazer?

On you go.

So, uh, which one's your father -in -law? Oh, there he is.

I recognize him from his editorials about fencing off Nebraska and putting

the homosexuals there.

Yes, well, you must understand, he comes from a different generation when people

were bigoted and insane.

Oh, Jonathan!

Oh, this is so exciting.

I could kiss you, but I don't want to get sent to Nebraska.

Well, you screwed up again, Nigel.

Sponsor's name isn't Luke's Patio Furniture.

It's St. Luke's Patio Furniture. Honestly, if I could talk somebody else

wearing that kilt, you'd be out of here.

I'll try to do better next time, sir.

Pray for me.

Hello. I'm Drew Carey. Ah, Drew.

I love your department store idea. I just need a couple of things to help

it to the board.

The store needs to have a Bible department and a...

Policy that lingerie can only be sold to married women.

Wow. Get out of my head, sir.

Board meets on Thursday. I should have some good news for you by Friday.

Okay, well, call me before sundown, because after that I'm not allowed to

the phone.

Should have seen the look on your face.

Mother's expecting you and Gwen for dinner tonight.

Oh, and if you have to go to the bathroom, don't say you're going to the

You know that's my brother's name.

So knock it off!

How I loathe that man.

I cannot believe this is actually going to happen.

I can't believe I'm going to finally run my own cosmetic counter.

I'm going to only sell the good stuff, the kind of stuff that won't smear if

find yourself face down on a vinyl truck seat for a couple of hours.

Yes, yes, I'm glad I could be of some help. Now, there is one small thing you

could do for me. You name it. Do you want us to roll your car into the lake

again for the insurance, like in the old days?

Mimi, I'm a Christian now, and that offends me.

I need you to go and see my mistress.

She's got something that belongs to me, and I need you to pick it up.

I'd go myself, but my wife's having me followed.

really cherry -pick your commandments there, don't you? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Must not be so fast to throw the first stone.

Guess somebody forgot she's bringing a bastard into the world, huh?

What do you want us to pick up?

One of my wife's fancy golden wine goblets.

It seems my mistress and I were toasting a particularly acrobatic act of

adultery.

With an important family heirloom.

So this is kind of a quest for a grail, huh?

Yes. Shouldn't be too hard. I have two fools, a princess, and a mythical beast.

You have to get this, Carrie.

If you don't get it, I'll be out of a family, and you'll be out of a

store.

Hey, no problem. You just tell me where she works, what name she dances under,

and we'll get it. Right.

Her children said she raised the bear since it was a cub.

And they don't blame the bear for what went wrong.

Grizzly story, Bob.

Coming up next, are you a sex offender? The answer may surprise you.

May I help you? Yeah, hi, I'm Drew Carey. I'm here to pick up something

Wick. Oh, come in. I've got it right here.

Seems nice.

Short quest, huh?

Okay, take it easy. No one wants to get shot here.

Just so you know, you're going to need something bigger to take this one down.

Shut up!

Your dirtbag friend promised to leave his wife and marry me, and he lied to

Well, first of all, um...

You're having a relationship with a married man. You gotta accept some of

responsibility.

Let's not criticize the lady with the gun.

Look, all men suck.

My husband ran away and left me with a kid.

Yeah, my ex -husband slept with my sister.

And I spent $50 ,000 on a rat -infested bar.

What does that have to do with anything?

Guess who told it to me. That's right, sister.

A man.

Look, I know you're upset, but...

Shooting Wick's other lover isn't going to solve anything.

Come on, just give me the gun.

Come on. If you're going to shoot anybody, what a shot by now. Give me the

Give me the gun.

Thank you.

Why is it I keep throwing myself at one loser after another?

She only thinks he's had losers.

We had plans.

He was supposed to leave his wife and take care of me. I mean, what am I going

to do now?

Well, first thing you do is get rid of everything that reminds you of Mr. Wick.

Pictures, letters, jewel -encrusted cups.

Oh, I can't think of that stupid cup.

My life is falling apart.

Well, think of this as a fresh start.

You can do anything you want with your life now. What are you good at?

I'm too ashamed to tell you.

I am Oswald.

I like Thai food. Not now.

Well, I used to be a dancer, and I'm good with animals.

I could dance with animals.

There you go. Dance with animals to snag another rich guy. Now, how about that

cup? Oh, I don't have that anymore.

Okay. Fun's over, crazy lady.

Where's the damn cup?

Well, I was just about to tell you. I gave all Wick's stuff to a thrift store.

Oh.

Uh... Do you want us to drop the TV off for you when we're down there?

I don't see it. How about you?

Oh, it's not in the bathroom.

The baby and I have checked five times.

How about you guys? You seen that goblet thing? Well, Lewis and I haven't. Let's

ask the others.

Have you seen the goblet?

No, I haven't seen it.

Have you seen the goblet? What's a goblet? Well, it's like a... How about

What do you do while this is going on? I do the thumb voices.

Uh... Excuse me, ma 'am.

A friend of mine, I think, gave the cup to this place by mistake, and we just

came here to get it back. So if you don't mind... Oh, I'm going to keep hard

candy in it.

This cup is very important to me.

If I don't get it back, I can't get a loan to start an apartment store, which

need because I have a baby on the way.

I'm going to put hard candy in it.

Look, it's worth five bucks. I'll give you ten bucks for it.

50. 50 bucks?

Please, ma 'am.

Give him the goblet.

What's wrong with him?

Everybody's got a theory, but I think it's cousin sex.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll give you 50 bucks for it. Oh, it's 100 now.

Seems like this is very valuable to you.

Look, lady.

Unless you want your relatives donating your crap here next week, hand it over.

Back off. Take it easy. Back off.

Look, I promise you, it's not worth anything.

Wow.

Up close, you really look like my late husband.

God rest his soul.

Hello.

I'll give you the cup.

There's just one thing.

You need to do for me.

things, Kelly.

Things I'm not very proud of.

Drew, you're scaring me.

I was scared too.

Then I kind of drifted out of my body and fear went away.

Floated above myself and I saw myself reading love letters to an old lady.

Through the bathroom door while she did God knows what.

Please. Don't touch me. I'm dirty.

Well, here's to the new Winford Louder.

Drew, I am so proud of you. Yeah.

I'm just not stopping here.

I plan on taking Winford Louder National.

I want to make this the standard by which all other department stores are

judged.

And when I do take a national, I'm going to undercut all the mom and pop stores.

When they're weak, I'm going to buy them for pennies. You're scaring the

baby. Sorry.

It's good products at fair prices.

Oh, excuse me.

Johnson, isn't it?

Yeah.

Spelled my name wrong. I'm Drew Carey with one R. Got two R's there.

God, I'm such an idiot.

Oh, no.

It's okay. It's a beautiful R. I'll tell you what.

Just keep it and I'll change my name.

Seriously. Change it.

Hello, hello, hello.

Here's the guy who made it all possible.

Have some cider.

Hey. Good God. This place looks exactly like the old Winford Louder.

Oh, it is.

Never ending store didn't use this floor. Of course, Larry and I did.

Must you rub your naked ass on everything?

This mouth -breathing imbecile has spelled your name with two R's.

This is Drew Carey, not Jim Carey, beloved funny man of the silver screen.

What's your name?

Johnson, sir.

Johnson. Do you have good legs?

Um, I guess.

Good. Because you'll need them while you're standing...

making fun of my accent because I can't help where I was born.

Uh, Mr. Wick, you don't have the authority to fire anybody. I'm the

Ah, yes, about that.

You know, when my father -in -law was berating me this morning for my

unfortunate mispronunciation of Lucky Fudge Shop, I thought, I miss being the

boss.

Yeah, but I've already been approved.

Yes, but I'm a terrible weatherman.

And I do know a little bit about running a department store.

Plus, if I'm in Cleveland, I'm not making love to his daughter in Toledo,

trust me, that makes everyone happy.

This isn't fair. We had a deal. I mean, what am I supposed to do now?

Well, you're always bragging about your fabulous legs.

Why don't you put on a kilt and be Scotty McRange, however?

But the store was my idea.

Well, do whatever you did when you were here before.

You want to resource it?

No. No.

I can't go back to that. Please.

Please don't make me.

Oh, your begging intoxicates me.

As for you... Too late.

I'm running the makeup department.

Yes. The old man doesn't want a makeup department.

Painted whores and all that.

You're my assistant again.

Well, it didn't take long to find the turd baked in this cake.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and find some fresh young talent for my

new management team.

If anyone's looking for me, I'll be getting a lap dance in the VIP room of

Astravaganza.

This is unacceptable.

I did not lance the boil on an old lady's back.

I was too ashamed to tell you about that part.

Just to go back to my same dead -end job.