Original subtitles

Place ready for me and Gus.

Come on, let's keep moving.

We gotta get her out of here before Larry gets hit with the second coke and

comes back to his senses.

Okay, honey.

You go upstairs and make sure everything's out of your room, and then

Uncle Drew's room, put a piece of paper on his credit card, and run a pencil

over it like Mom taught you.

Okay.

Boy, Gus sure has a lot of toys.

Uh, well, actually, just that box is his toys, and that one's mine.

And here all this time, I thought you were sand in the floor.

Okay, okay, okay, get all this stuff out of the car. I want to get out of this

dump.

Oh, my God, what a day, huh?

Mimi, you're moving in with your man, and it's wonderful.

It's a wonderful day.

Sometimes human females get emotional because of the hormones when they're

pregnant. Of course, you wouldn't know anything about that because you were

grown in a tank.

Normandy.

You make him wear sunscreen, you hear?

And a little hat.

Well, this is it.

Gus, you better go wait in the car. I gotta be nice to Uncle Drew and I don't

want you to be exposed to something like that.

See you, buddy. See you Saturday.

Bye, Uncle Drew. I love you.

God, a little part of me dies every time I hear him say that.

appreciate it.

Well, you know, I saw the guy on TV who had an alligator in his apartment. I

thought, hey, I can top that.

Drew, if you ever need anything from me, just pick up the phone and hit yourself

in the crotch because it'll do you just as much.

Well, we're done.

Another one of your toys went off, hopped out of the box, it's heading

the boy.

Oswald's trying to kill it with a shovel.

That's right.

Now that she's gone, I have room. I'm going to ask Kelly to marry me.

That's great, Drew. I hope she says yes this time.

That's so funny.

You have to beg your pregnant girlfriend to marry you. It's funny, you know.

It's like when a giant mudslide wipes out a bunch of sleeping commies in

It's just funny.

I know you have a good heart.

So, what did you do last night?

I was here, you know, I had to work.

I went out to dinner.

By myself.

I got a free sundae.

Free sundae?

Holy crap, it was your birthday!

Uh, Julia, Julia.

Happy, happy birthday.

Shut up!

Give me some free wings or something.

Um... We don't do that here.

Hey, man. What's happening?

Hi.

What'd you do last night?

Anything special?

Well, Kelly was working, so I just stayed home, watched TV, got a pizza.

Ended up cleaning out the underwear drawer, you know, getting rid of some of

dead soldiers.

Hey, Drew, man, you got to talk to your girlfriend. Last night she grabbed a

customer by the hair and made him explain to the baby why he thought Mama

only worth a 60 -cent tip.

When women are pregnant, their hormones go all over the place. You think it's

hard working with her, try finding a good time to propose to her.

Well, you got to find a guaranteed way to put her in the right frame of mind.

Why don't you see if you can get a hold of her grandmother's engagement ring,

the one her mom wears. Kelly loves that more than anything.

Ring?

She never told me anything about a ring.

I'm a bartender now. Women tell me everything.

Plus, if she tells you she has a problem, you don't always have to come

solutions. Sometimes you can just listen.

And yet when someone mentions they want a waffle iron for their birthday, it

goes in one ear and out the other.

Come in!

Hey, I'm a little early. Hoping to catch you in the middle of anything.

No! Oh, no, we wanted to see what the room would look like if we did the walls

in a $30 bottle of Cabernet.

Tell you what, I'll give you back your $30. You give me back the last 40 years

of my life.

See, you guys are busy. I'll probably just get that ring and go, then.

Can I get you a drink? Drew, we're out of wine, but there may be a bottle of

aftershave my wife hasn't gotten to yet.

me. You marry my daughter, don't make her feel alienated and lonely. Don't

her of her dignity and self -esteem and then blame her when she needs something

to fill the void.

Okie dokie.

Well, that's laughable. You giving marriage advice.

You have no idea how to please a man.

Sure I do. Bring me a man and I'll show you.

You know, I have ice cream in the car waiting for Kelly. I should probably

get that ring and scoot.

Well, aren't you afraid to give him that ring?

Annette, after all, it could be the magic that makes this whole fairy tale

possible.

Maybe there is something to this ring.

My grandmother had it. She was miserable. My mother had it. She was

Now I have it, and guess what?

Of course, blame the ring, not the ocean of booze you all crawled out of.

Come on, you don't want to say something you're going to regret.

If this ring is cursed, I'm not giving it to my daughter. The cycle of misery

ends with me.

Well, it may not end with you, but you're certainly a high watermark.

Uh, hey, listen, Nanette.

Mom.

Maybe the ring is cursed, but, you know, if it's still cursed after I give it to

Kelly, we'll just have a hobbit put it in Volcano.

Nanette, give him the ring.

No. Nanette, I'm not going to ask you twice.

Oh, you want the damn ring so bad? Eat it.

Your arm is gone.

Well, it's official. The drink has taken everything.

It's none of my business, but there's a couple of mousetraps I'm going to hear

you might want to change.

You know, one of these nights, you are going to pass out before I do, and

when we see who has the guts in this relationship.

Got it.

Oh, see you at Thanksgiving.

Yep.

Hey, uh, you might want to watch yourself, so you just palm the letter

Like I'm afraid of death.

Hey, what you doing?

The fridge is filthy. I have to clean it before the baby comes.

That's funny. I thought the baby was going to be sleeping in a crib.

Can I have something to ask you that I'm hoping will make you even happier than

you are cleaning that fridge?

Although that hardly seems possible.

Oh, no.

What? It seems like I just bought the lettuce yesterday.

is why I don't buy vegetables.

You're right.

You're right.

And I'm just being silly.

I just can't help myself.

No, it's your hormones. You're psycho.

Oh,

you are the sweetest man.

So sweet.

Wow.

Weather changes kind of quick around these parts, doesn't it?

I don't know if it's the dead money.

I want to live.

I want to make every moment.

It's over.

Ooh. Kind of a mood killer.

Drew, I have to talk to my daughter. She deserves to know that her parents have

split up.

Look, she's all hormonal. You know, if she hears that kind of stuff, it's going

to upset her.

Hilarious. You know, it's a crapshoot.

Would it be all right if I stayed here for a few days? You know, just until I

got back on my feet.

Well, let me put this in a way that you can understand.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Well, I don't know. Go to a hotel.

I'll come by with Kelly later. We'll celebrate the beginning of our marriage

the end of yours.

You know, sunrise, sunset, circle of life. It'll be very moving.

Oh, all right. Well, I'll need to use your phone to call another cab. My car

wouldn't start.

It's got one of those stupid court -ordered breathalyzers.

All right, I'll drop you at the hotel.

Oh, would you mind after you drop me off stopping by my place to pick up some of

my things?

I can't. I gotta get back here before Kelly finds the black banana in the

refrigerator and cries herself to sleep holding it.

Tell you what, I'll send Oswald over.

Oh, or I'll tell him that in my haste to leave, I neglected to shoot my husband

and cover it with a house fire.

Well, now that's more of a Lewis job.

Well...

Where's Kelly? I need to talk to her.

She's at work. She'll be up in another hour.

Hey, listen, I heard about you and Annette. Gee, I'm really sorry.

I've been calling her at the hotel, leaving messages.

She won't talk to me.

Well, first of all, you're assuming she's conscious. What's the odds of

When Louis came over to get her stuff, it hit me.

I don't want to throw away our marriage. I mean, every couple has problems.

Sure.

By the way, did she get you with the letter opener?

No, I knocked it out of her hand with a lamp. Look.

Look, you've got to help me.

If you can convince her to talk to me, I know I can win her back.

No, I can't. I told you, Kelly's going to be home in an hour, and I'm going to

propose to her again.

Okay, I'll just sit here and wait for her.

All right, let's go.

Geez, oh, man, you couldn't go with the murder -suicide, could you?

bodies. Next week I'm engaged. Everybody's happy.

Drew, what are you doing here?

I came by to tell you that Don's really, really sorry about what happened.

Is the guy here to fix the spectra vision?

over you told me to bring.

And more.

Oh, no.

How could you do this?

How couldn't I?

Just look at her.

That's Kelly's mom.

Not in bed, she's not.

This doesn't make any sense.

I'll tell you what makes sense, Drew.

Two people finding each other in this crazy world.

And you, your marriage isn't even cold yet.

Oh, it's cold.

If you licked my marriage, your tongue would stick to it.

Can you excuse us for a second?

I won't be long, Pookie.

I'll start the jacuzzi, butter jeans.

Well, how are they going to get their marriage back together now, butter face?

Butter jeans!

Get your clothes on and get out of here. Maybe it's not too late to put things

back together.

I'm not going anywhere, Drew.

I've waited my whole life to meet a woman like Kelly's mommy.

Forgot her name, didn't you? Just for a second.

This is all new, but it's real, Drew. She understands me.

She's a bitter, cynical drunk.

Exactly. She's the key to my luck.

If your luck had a breathalyzer, you two wouldn't even be here right now.

Put on your pants and let's get out of here. Don't take that tone of voice with

me, okay? It's over between those two, and if it works out between us, I could

be your father -in -law.

Top's almost ready.

How could you do this? What about Kelly? She's an adult.

And you?

What about Oswald? You're going to ruin your whole creepy Bert and Ernie

dynamic.

It's not creepy. He's going to live with us.

What? We'll talk about it later.

Oh, no!

What's going on here?

Is this waiting in the lobby? I don't think so.

Look, this doesn't have to get ugly, Don.

Simple fact is I just spent the last hour and a half making love to your

What? Is this true, Annette?

Yes. An hour and a half.

Wrap your mind around that, Don.

You can't be serious. You're really going to leave me for a janitor? Are you

going to take that? Are you going to let him call you a janitor?

I am a janitor.

All right, it doesn't matter. I want a divorce.

Hey. Oh, no!

Lewis, what's taking so long? Not now, Oswald.

Got bored waiting in the car.

Batteries in my video game died and I finished my baggie of cereal.

Why are you in a row?

Because he's putting it to my wife.

That takes an hour and a half.

You're destroying our family. Wait till our daughter finds out what a pathetic

whore you are.

Oh, well, I wouldn't say pathetic. Oh, pathetic? You and he are pathetic.

Pathetic is quite the right word. I've got to get to Kelly before she finds out

about this.

Give me your car keys and stall them. Okay.

Stall them.

Zoom among, yes.

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot in, you put your right foot

in, and you shake it all about. Come on, everybody.

You do the... That man... This man is not living with us, butter jeans.

Kelly.

Kelly!

I'm so sorry, honey. Did I wake you?

Keep, keep, keep.

Listen, there's something I want to tell you. And he was so sweet with him. You

know what you were doing? You were teaching him how to bowl, but the ball

too big for his little baby hands, and I kept asking you. Dreams sure do go on,

don't they? Listen.

Speaking of family and kids and everything that's important, there's

want to ask you.

Kelly, your mother's a cheap slut.

Hold that thought, will you? Kelly, eyes right here. Daddy, what?

weak, and worthless, and I hate him, and I want a divorce. Kelly, eyes.

Kelly, I made love to your mother.

It was long and beautiful, and I intend to do it many, many more times.

What? I know I'll never be your real father. If I had been, you wouldn't be

pregnant out of wedlock.

Hey, Drew.

Sorry, the hokey pokey petered out pretty quickly, and then I went and hid

counted to a hundred, but, you know. Hey, Kelly.

Kelly, I wanted to divorce your father 35 years ago, but then you came along

you weren't exactly planned, so... What?

It was an accident?

Hey, hey.

Columbus discovered America by accident. That turned out okay.

I mean, you know, not for the Indians, but for everybody else it turned out all

right.

Sweetheart, you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

Excuse me?

Well, I obviously love her more than you do. because I'm not tearing up the

family, you horny old lush. Hey,

don't talk to my girlfriend like that. I'll talk to my wife any way I damn

please you, horse -faced homewrecker.

Hey, it's not his fault his great -grandmother was a giant.

Everybody just shut up.

Kelly? I love you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Will you marry me?

Now?

You're asking me this now?

Are you out of your mind? Hold on, hold on, look.

It's the ring that your dad slipped on your mom's finger when she said yes.

over some alimony why don't we have a beer and crunch some numbers shouldn't

take longer than hour and a half the television event of the

fall is just three weeks away when lost premieres oh my

god