All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s09e22 Assault with a Lovely Weapon

Is this your card?

No.

Is this your card?

No.

Is this your card?

Probably not.

Is this your card?

Yeah. Ta -da!

You can't go through 20 cards and then
say ta -da.

Hey, Kelly, pick a card.

Oh, I would, honey, but I have to start
working in a... Look what I found on my

windshield. Like this city needs another
strip club.

It wouldn't hurt.

Those places take advantage of desperate
women. I know. I was one of them.

You never even got on stage. You just
clutched your robe and cried.

Which is fine for the beginning of a
routine, but it really needs to go

somewhere.

Hey, look at this. An omelet bar. Ooh.

Listen, you don't need those sleazy
places.

You want an omelet and a lap dance. You
know where to come.

Good. Jelly.

Thanks.

Uh, you know, I think there's a good
chance she was talking to me there. Of

course she was, buddy.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, you know, if you could play the
bass and smoke a cigar and ride a

you could save the circus.

I think the circus would be just fine as
long as it's got you in a tent as the

amazing woman with a penis.

Oh, yeah, I used to be a roadie for
Foghat. Whenever the bass would get too

drunk to go on, they'd slap a mustache
on me, hand me a bass, push me out on

stage. But now I actually want to learn
how to play.

I think that's great.

Oh, so it's okay for a woman to play the
bass but not to strip. Where's the

line, Kelly?

I'll tell you where the line isn't.

Anywhere where Mimi's playing the bass
or stripping.

I said I wanted to get better at it.
What, stripping?

Because I'm starting a band.

Great. Because you know what bands do?
They tour.

And they tour and they tour and they
tour.

I'm not in it for the money. I need the
creative outlet.

Between my job and being a mom, I need
more me time.

When I need me time, I like to rent a
boat on the lake.

Open a nice bottle of wine and blow up
some fish with dynamite.

Hey, Kelly, I'm looking for some
musicians, so could I put a couple of

flyers up here?

Sure. Is that your way of asking me to
audition?

Oh, no, I already heard you sing.

Oh.

Oh.

What's the matter, buddy?

You noticed, huh?

It's Sherry. I think we're through.

What? You just had dinner with her
folks. I thought things were going

well. Yeah. Yeah, I thought so, too. And
then at dinner, she points to me and

says to her dad, buy me a car or I marry
this.

The whole time at the dealership, I'm
thinking, is this the relationship I

really want?

Tough man. You finally meet a girl with
a car and this happens.

Maybe I should just forget about women.

Maybe I'm just a...

Hideous janitor who's meant to be alone.

Don't give up. I'm sure there's a
wonderful woman out there whose hideous

would be happy to settle for you.

Fitting your fairy tales for someone
whose heart hasn't died.

This is why people hide out in the wheel
wells of 747s just to get to this

country.

Now we'll finish up.

I can't believe I let you drag me here
in the first place.

Kelly wouldn't want me here.

Just relax and have a good time, would
you?

It always cheers me up to look at the
naked ladies and pretend they're poor

college girls out to impress me, the
dean of admissions.

I don't know why this matters to me,
but, uh...

Ivy League or State College?

Well, if you must know, it's a small
liberal arts college with an all

faculty.

Well, we thought we'd have a good time.

Is this your card? No.

Is this your card?

I'm gonna need another ten bucks.

Is this your card?

No.

I told Kelly we took you out tonight,
but I didn't tell her we took you to a

strip club. Is that a lie?

She's got low test scores and a lousy
GPA.

If she could only give us some reason to
admit, oh, yeah, there we go.

What do you think, Professor Carey?
Should we take a chance on her?

I told you I don't want to work at your
sick little college.

Now let's focus for a second.

Do I tell Kelly I came here, or am I
just creating a problem where there

one? If you're going to act like a girl,
take off your top and work the pole.

Excuse me.

I need a woman's opinion. I was
wondering if I could ask you a question

relationships. Well, if it's about your
relationship with your father, I'm

probably not the best one to ask.

It's about my girlfriend.

I told her I was coming out tonight, but
I didn't tell her I was going to a

strip club. Do you think that's a lie?

Oh, it's a lie of omission, but I don't
consider that a lie. I mean, I told my

boyfriend I'm a dancer, but I left out
buck naked.

Are you going to get buck naked?

All in good time, sir.

Such a redeem.

I still like teaching. The young people
have such great energy.

Is this your card?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Hey, can you show me how to do that?

I feel like I should since you've
already spent $150.

In fact, since you're such a nice guy,
I'm going to take you to the VIP room

show you a better trick.

Oh.

You forgot the cards. Oh, I don't need
the cards.

Oh. Hey, hey, watch my cards.

Uh, hey, Crystal.

Can I ask you one more question?

Oh, sure.

Hey, if you point your fingers, I'll
call me Nancy.

Great, now she's got my mother's name.

Wait.

That works.

What if Kelly asked about what we did
tonight? What should I tell her?

I know.

her here, go bowling. Then just tell her
that you were bowling, because that's

the truth.

Hey, that's great, because my girlfriend
really doesn't like these kind of

places, so then I won't technically be
lying.

Pardon me, since the morality talk is
adding so much to my lap dance, could we

open it up to religion and the death
penalty?

Oh, you are tense.

Maybe I can knock the tension out of you
with these.

Maybe you should hit the gym, pencil
neck.

Good luck with everything.

Oh, thanks, Nancy.

Thank her?

She really hurt me, man. I can't move my
neck.

Well, just rub it. I can't. I got a
shooting pain down my arm. You got to

me to the hospital.

All right. We'll go get Oswald. We'll
take you to the emergency room. First,

got to swing by the bowling alley and
roll a couple frames. All right.

Oh, we took Lewis bowling to cheer him
up.

How'd you do?

Not that good.

Oh, boy, I'm exhausted.

That's too bad, honey.

What was your score?

You know, I bowled a 200 and some.

I can't lie to you. I bowled a nine.

How did you pull a knife?

I only had time to pull one frame, then
we had to rush Lewis to the hospital.

What? My God, what happened to him?

Uh, you know, he got hit in the head by
a couple of boobs.

I cannot believe he got in a fight. That
must have been awful.

Yes. Oh, they were huge. It was two
against one.

Anyway,

good night.

Haven't seen you guys in a while. Not
since the Star Wars cantina thing.

Excuse me. We don't have time for your
infantile crap. We're pushing the

envelope of conventional song structure.

Sounds like you're pushing an envelope
of cats into the lake.

Okay. Uh, G sharp.

One, two. Hang on. We've done a lot of
this freeform jazz stuff.

Can we just play a regular song? I Know
Everything by Janet Jackson and all the

moves. No! No!

Janet knows how I feel.

I don't know how she knows, but she
knows.

Hey, can I get a cup of that?

Sure. You know, I had a dream last night
that I was still married to Daryl, and

he was lying and running around on me.

And I woke up with this terrible feeling
of being betrayed.

Uh, yeah, I had a dream last night that
I flipped out of the way of an oncoming

train and sacrificed myself.

I do that, you know.

a little sore. I told her the whole
story. If you tell her, it'll just be

feeding it.

Hey! Hey, why don't you go change and
I'll take you to breakfast.

Yeah? Yeah. Okay.

Hey, you want to come? Oh, no thanks. I
don't want to dilute the painkillers.

I'm suing the strip club. I need you to
testify.

I can't. Kelly's already getting a bad
vibe about last night. I gotta stay out

of it.

You're my only witness without you
having got a case.

Look. I may have gotten bum advice about
morality from that stripper.

Now, the point is, I lied to Kelly.

And I feel guilty about it. Come on,
Drew. You've got to do this for me. I'm

work for a month. If I don't get my
medical bills paid for, I'm screwed.

Sell something.

Sell your mannequins. They haven't got
heads. They're not worth anything

anymore.

Look, we've been friends a long time. I
don't ask for much. You ask me for

everything. And what's one more thing,
you petty little man?

How do I know you're even hurt? I mean,
you've pulled scans before.

Name one.

You carry that dirty old dog tooth
around in your pocket to put it in

salads and get free food.

Okay, you name one. So I guess you win,
big man.

Lawsuits take years. You're not going to
get your money for a long time anyway.

No, no. See, I signed up for
arbitration, huh? You don't have to have

attorney, and it's a lot faster.

And when they found out I was attacked
by enormous breath, they moved my case

right to the top of the list.

Do you have to do this with me? I mean,
isn't there someone else in the club

that saw something?

Oh, okay. I'll just go back to the strip
club and check the married men sign -in

sheet.

All right. Okay, I'll do it.

But thanks to you, I can tell the girl I
love the truth.

I hope you're happy.

Get out of here. Let's pick it up where
we left off.

Yeah. We were talking while you were in
the bathroom, and, uh, you're out of the

band.

with the racket you're making.

in the garbage disposal for you later.

Come on, I've got to talk to you for a
second.

That was really, really big of you to
lie to Mimi.

Well, Drew, it wasn't exactly a lie.
Yeah, it was. It was a bald -faced lie.

But I still love you, and I do not want
to break up with you.

Okay, what are you getting at?

Well, you told Mimi a little lie to
protect her feelings, and...

I told you a small lie about where I was
last night to protect your feelings. I

knew it. I knew it. You know what?
That's what the dream was about. I knew

something was wrong with your bowling
story.

Oh, my God. Did you cheat on me?

No. What? No.

That would be really wrong.

Another thing that's really wrong is
murder.

Other things I did not do that are
really wrong would be arson.

Grand Theft Auto.

Okay, Drew.

What did you do?

We took Lewis to a strip club to cheer
him up.

And you thought it would be best if you
lied about it? Yes, it was a lie. But it

wasn't arson. It wasn't murder.

What kind of relationship are we going
to have if you lie to me? I'm never

to do it again.

Certainly not after the big deal you're
making out of this.

What did you do at the strip club? Well,
I felt really bad about being there, so

I was talking it over with Krystal.
Krystal?

She's one of the strippers.

Her real name is Nancy. Oh, she told you
her real name.

You must be pretty close.

No, no, not at all. Nothing.

Nothing happened. I'm telling you. And
that's the only lie I've ever told you.

So Lewis really did get in a fight with
you guys at the strip club?

No.

I said, if you recall, that he was hit
in the face by two boobs.

For some reason, you jumped to God.

All right, I'm done talking to you.

You know what?

Treason. All right, you can add that to
the list of things that I did not do.

They are not that hard.

Honest, you can take my word for it.

Word? That means nothing.

Get in his lap and slap him across the
face with one.

That would be inappropriate.

Do you mind? I'm just going to squeeze
him.

Why is that man touching her breasts?

I don't know. I'm not a lawyer.

What are you doing here?

Well, Lewis subpoenaed me. He thought
that since I'm a woman, then I'd be a

character witness.

Yeah, missed you the last couple days.

Has it been a few days?

Haven't noticed.

Well, Mr. Kaninsky, they are firm, but I
wouldn't categorize them as nine -pound

hammers of doom as you did in your
study.

You can step down.

What do you mean, step down? It's just a
chair.

Please don't hit me again!

All right, Spencer Tracy, call your next
witness.

I'd like to ask Mr. Carey a few
questions now.

Uh, remember, you're under oath.

That's right. I'm under oath. And what
would happen if I lied? Well, that would

be perjury. You could go to jail.

Well, then you can be assured that
anything I say from now on is the truth.

Mr. Carey. Tell me the truth.

Mr. Carey.

Did you see me get hit in the head with
the fleshy cannonballs in question?

Yes, I saw the breasts.

But because I was agonizing about being
at the strip club, I could not and did

not... Enjoy the breasts. Yeah, right.

Mr. Carey, just answer the questions
you're asked. And you, no speaking out

turn. Thank you.

I'd like to remind everyone that a man
has been injured here, and this is quite

a serious matter.

Now, at any point, did you hear me ask
the defendant to beat my brains in with

our boulders of death?

I get it. You're saying they're
dangerous. Now, enough.

Well, let me answer that by saying I did
not get a lap dance.

Because I have a beautiful woman at
home.

She's lovely.

Answer the question.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I didn't hear you request anything about
a regular lap dance. You didn't do

anything wrong. And neither did I.

Because I love you, Kelly.

Would you say that Crystal was operating
her breasts negligently?

Well, as a man, I'll never lie to Kelly.
That's it. Get out of the chair.

I'd like to call up Kelly Newmark,
please.

You know you're under oath.

Yeah. I don't need to be threatened by
jail to tell the truth.

Now, Kelly. Call me Miss Newmark.

Kelly.

Would you say generally I'm a
trustworthy person?

Well, I don't think you'd start a new
relationship by lying to someone.

You lied to Mimi about her singing.

Sit down.

Answer the question.

Yeah.

Have you ever known me to lie about an
injury?

Well, if you stopped a woman in the
middle of a lap dance, you must have

seriously hurt. Hello. But you're only
physically hurt. It's better than the

emotional pain you feel when you're
betrayed by someone you love.

Can you order her just to let it go?

Look, I've had about an hour.

He's a good guy who made a mistake. I
don't think he's going to do it again.

You, dummy.

I can't believe that you go to strip
clubs when you have that waiting for you

home.

Dump him or forgive him. What's it going
to be?

Today. Today.

Okay. Okay.

I forgive him. I forgive you.

Thank you.

Next time you go to a strip club, I'll
ask you ahead of time.

You're not going.

Of course. Why would I have you?

Now, Mr. Koninsky, I think I've heard
enough.

I'm going to allow you damages to cover
your medical expenses.

Thank you.

But considering that you are a janitor,
I have to deny your request for $4

million in lost wages.

No.

No, no, this is wrong.

This is never about the money.

This is about the little guy standing up
to the big strip club. I'm going to

appeal. I will not rest until I... I can
get you a free lifetime pass to the

club. Done.

Don't do it.

They're taking advantage.

Why, we'll go to the newspapers. We'll
go to the TV stations. Do you have one

for my friend?

Sure. Yes.

Hey, Lewis, you want to go tonight? Now.
Okay.

Hey, Drew, we're going to the strip
club. You want to go?

Sure. Hey, honey, we're going bowling
tonight.

Can you order her to have a sense of
humor?

It's the one show this summer being
called four star.

In the Jury Room, next on ABC.

Oh, wow.

You are good.

I've never seen a woman do that.

Slower.

How do you do that?

You weren't kidding.

If I had a set of those, I'd never leave
the house.

Can I touch them?

Sure. Touch them all you want.

Thank you.