Original subtitles

Yeah!

Man, I knew I'd be good with a hot girl.

You know, I wasn't too sure because you were having a little problem getting my

bra. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm glad I keep scissors in the knife stand.

I'm glad it worked out because you were very impressive.

Well, brace yourself for another go.

In about an hour.

You want to watch some TV?

What, you're not going to make me cuddle and talk about feelings?

Better take yourself 30 minutes.

Oh, I hate this guy.

No, this guy's great.

No, he's not, Drew.

He's a lying right -wing bully.

Well, I think he's a great American who likes to stick it to liberal, tax -happy

spendocrats. Oh, get this. Look at the liberal he put on his program for...

He's a shaky little man with a wandering eye.

I agree with him, and I can't even look at him. Well, maybe God made him ugly

because he won't let children pray in schools.

Oh, I do not believe him. If it was up to him, everybody would own a gun.

Well, only half the people own guns now, and that's not working out too well, is

it?

That doesn't make any sense.

You should have blood back in that brain by now.

Well, what's your excuse?

Your blood doesn't go anywhere.

Does it?

How into guns are you?

Well, I keep one in the nightstand next to my scissors.

What is that, for a really tough bra?

No.

That's in case some crackhead the ACLU let off in a technicality charge to come

in here and kill you.

Well, that gun is three times more likely to be used on you, Drew.

Especially if you don't shut up.

Really? Are you going to shoot me?

You know, to win the argument, you have to kind of stay on your side of it.

I really do not believe you.

Well, believe it.

Wow.

You know, we're going to be having sex in about 27 more minutes, so you better

start calming down.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to East Lake, underneath your silvery lights.

Get her past the radar mouthies.

Bring her back to Lake County.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Shine on I -271 We can get together In the warm light of

the sun We're going bowling So don't lose your insolence

Moon Nova Parma tonight Hey, Drew.

Hey.

So, last night, you and Kelly.

How'd it go?

Oh, she's mad at me. We're not talking.

All right, you had sex.

No, that part went fine. Then we got in a fight about gun control.

Oh, you're lucky.

Last girl I was with just wanted to talk about all the unhappy things in her

childhood that made her get drunk enough to sleep with me.

You know, typically those go on the hind legs.

Bite me.

They're trailer shoes.

It's one of my many important duties as her new assistant.

Geez, Mimi, don't you even get to take lunch?

Oh, I'm eating lunch right now. I'm having a hearty crap sandwich.

Well, Trailer treats you so bad, why don't you just quit?

Well, you're right. I am worth upwards of $1 .200.

Hey, Mimi.

What about if you got to know Trailer better at a party?

That'd be good. Who's throwing a party?

I am.

Louis is out of town for the weekend, so I finally get to throw a party.

You know how he feels about joy.

Hey, how are my shoes coming?

Oh, they'll be finished by the end of my lunch hour.

Great. Then you can throw them in the Goodwill bin in the parking lot.

Oh, by the way, Oswald and I are throwing a party Saturday night. It'd be

if you could come.

Oh, I've never been to one of those pillbilly forays.

Will I get to see one of your relatives challenge the devil to a fiddle contest?

We'll be there.

What? Part of being a boss is pretending like you care about the employees.

Ooh, I'll be right back. I forgot to lock the office and everybody hates me.

So, Oswald, how are things going in the warehouse?

Actually, we could really use better lighting down there. Yesterday, a

almost killed... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do I look like I have a slot in my head?

Not a suggestion box.

Drew had sex with Kelly last night.

All right, that's more like it.

Yeah, and it was going really well, and then they had an argument about gun

control.

Want to jump in here? I can't carry the conversation on my own.

You finally get a great, hot girlfriend, and you're willing to throw it away

because you argued about gun control?

What am I supposed to do, pretend I have no opinions for the rest of my life?

Uh, yeah.

One time in college, I threw pig's blood on an old lady's fur coat so a hippie

girl would show me her boo.

I once pretended to tie my shoes so I could look up a mannequin's dress.

Look, the point is, just tell her what she wants to hear so she'll never stop

having sex with you. That's a great relationship.

You know, I'm not sure that that's the kind of relationship that I want to

Oh, so you want a platonic relationship.

Hey, don't worry. In ten years, I'll have robots that'll give you sex.

Ten years, sure, for the rich.

When can the working man afford a sex robot?

I'm sure they'll have places where you can rent one.

Look, I want a relationship where I can have sex and someone to talk to. I know

it sounds crazy.

Well, so if you don't give up your crazy political opinions, then you'll be

throwing away great sex and a great relationship.

And that makes sense, since the gun lobby would fall apart without you.

Okay, maybe you're right.

How's this? I'll tell her I respect her intelligence.

She made some good points, and I've reexamined my position.

There. That doesn't make me sound too whipped, does it?

Drew, compromising yourself for sex doesn't make you whipped.

Hey, be thick, bud. If they're made in Japan, will they look Japanese? Because

I'm cool with that.

Then I figured besides flowers and candles, we'd have a martini bar with an

sculpture of a swan.

I like everything you've done.

Except, I want to change the flowers for balloons, the swan for a pony keg, and

the string quartet for a moon bounce.

I'm trying to impress the trailer here, and she's hip. Hip is not a moon bounce.

Hip is an ice swan where you pour booze in the beak and it comes out the pooper

chilled.

I put on airs.

I just want to have a good time.

And I'm trying to hang on to my job here.

Well, it's my house.

All right.

out all this. Thumb or arm? Arm.

Okay.

All right.

On three.

One.

Nice try, short butt.

Hey, Oswald, don't forget to pull the head off or I won't die.

I can feel your weakening already.

Oh, I'm just conserving my strength with a big butcher. It counts. Oh, bring it

on. You're going down.

and part of your list. Deal.

You can let go now. Go first.

No, both at the same time. Okay. On three.

One.

Wow.

A draw.

Yeah, well, Oswald's been working out.

Drew, I just wanted to tell you again that I really appreciated our talk last

night. Yeah, I think you already showed your appreciation.

It takes a really big man to be so open -minded.

I am glad the gun control thing makes sense to you now. Well, I did a lot of

reading, and it turns out a lot of shooting deaths are gun -related.

Oh, my God, you look great in the morning.

You know what? Let me get you some more coffee. Yeah.

Hey, better check your messages there.

Sure.

Hi, this is Dr. Golding's office confirming your dental cleaning Tuesday

at 8.

Mr. Carey, for your generous donation to the National Rifle Association.

Okay.

Did you make that donation before or after you said you agreed with me?

Okay.

What do I have to do to get out of this?

Could you blink or talk or something? Because you're freaking me out. Did you

just say that you agreed with me about gun control so you could sleep with me?

No, no. I did it for the relationship.

I said I agree with you, and we got along.

Yeah, we got along, and we had sex.

Well, you could focus on the sex if you want to.

The focus of the evening for me was the intimacy.

Drew, it's only intimacy when people are being honest.

Why are you getting so worked up about this? Because I was married to a man for

15 years who mocked every opinion that I had. After a while, I just stopped

expressing myself.

And I'm not going to go back to that.

You're focusing on the one thing we don't agree on.

How about all the things we do agree on?

Okay.

Okay, maybe you're right.

Um... Clean air, Drew. Come on, you cannot be against... Clean air.

I love clean air. Yeah.

That is something the government should be passing a lot of expensive

regulations to make it overly clean.

How can air be overly clean?

All right. How about, you know, affirmative action, quotas, all that

think the best person should get the job, right? Well, that's easy for you to

say, being a white man who gets all the breaks.

Shh. My servants might hear you.

I don't believe this.

I never expected that we'd see eye to eye on everything, but we don't agree on

anything.

That's not true.

There's plenty of things we agree on. We'll just avoid the other stuff.

Drew, that sounds like we're running away from our problems.

Well, yeah, but we'll be running together.

And how romantic is that?

Well, I thought you deserved something a little more special.

Thank you, Drew.

Oh, this all looks so lovely. And to keep it lovely, I jotted down a few

you might want to avoid talking about.

Oh, good.

Good. Yeah.

Do you mind if I just add a couple things? Yeah, I hope so.

That's a good one. Yeah.

That's a landmine. Oh, that's another one. I had landmines.

What's wrong with landmines?

Oh!

So, what are we having for dinner?

Duck l 'orange with meatloaf instead of duck and spaghetti sauce instead of l

'orange.

Here's to not letting little things get in the way.

Oh,

that's really good wine. Where did you get it? A little market on Lakeside.

Oh, I love that place. There's this really sweet homeless man that's there,

I always give him a buck.

Well, I hope he's up for a newspaper to get himself a job.

A lot of those people are mentally ill.

Mentally ill like a fuck.

This place...

I'm NPR on the way here. No, what?

Nothing.

Outside the bar today, this guy was giving away puppies.

I love puppies. Oh, yeah, me too.

Yeah. They're so cute.

Never seen an ugly one? Never.

Is this good bread?

12 grains. Oh.

What do you think all the grains are?

I don't know, you know, like wheat.

Oat.

I bet it says on the package.

Oh, you don't have to.

Doesn't hurt to look.

Taylor, may I offer you a martini?

Sure, why not?

The martini sucked, just a sophisticated drink.

Made fine liquor, a dash of remove, of course, piece de resistance.

Enough.

Wouldn't life be magical if swans really did crap martinis?

You know, I think I'll just have a soda.

Pat, do you want this?

Sure. I'd drink a martini if it came out of a real swan's ass.

Try a crab cake. I love crab.

Do you need a good movie?

Nice weather. Mimi, relax.

I'm having a good time.

I have to admit this is not what I expected.

So good luck, everybody, because it's time to decorate cupcakes. And after

we're going to hit the moon bounce.

There it is.

So, cupcakes.

I wonder how many grains are in one of those.

I don't know.

Not 12.

Tell you that.

No, that would be...

That'd be bad, 12 -grain cupcake.

That'd be really bad.

Yeah.

Bad.

Hey, trailer, come on over here.

Hey, here comes trailer.

Yeah, that's her, all right. Hey.

Did you want something?

Just want to know what's up with you.

Well, I bought a new SUV.

It's the biggest one they make. And the best part is I get a tax break because

it's so heavy it qualifies as farm equipment.

Doesn't that get, like, four miles to the gallon?

Guess you're not too concerned about the environment.

Oh, not anymore.

I can hit a deer going 70 and not even feel it.

You know, I hear if you rip out the catalytic converter, it can really

the horsepower.

Well, maybe she should convert it so it runs on the blood of spotted owls.

Yeah, well, it wouldn't want to hurt the owls. Then we'd only have a jillion

kind of bird instead of a jillion and one.

Remember to add cars and birds to our list.

I don't have the list anymore. It's too big to carry around.

at home, you can just add my naked body to the list because you have a better

chance at seeing a spotted owl.

Uh, Mimi, some of your guests are a -fightin' and a -feudin'. Uh, no, that's

political give and take, like Salon.

Okay, it's time to meet some of the other fascinating people at our party.

Uh, there's Sheila.

Sheila has high blood pressure.

It really bugs you, doesn't it, that I don't believe in the same stupid crap

that you do.

You call what I think crap?

You should go build a house with Jimmy Carter.

Oh, ouch.

Are you comparing me to a Nobel Prize winning humanitarian?

That prize was bought with peanut money.

Sheila, tell Taylor how you got dizzy at the bank and fell down.

Yeah, they're fair and balanced, just like the slogan says.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I was schmoozing the boss.

I was working it.

Sheila was about to show her the stitches in her head from when she

the teller's window.

line up here. Pumpkins line up here.

Drew, please. I don't want to fight anymore.

Then let's not fight.

I agree.

I'll do my part by going home.

Okay. All right.

Fine. We'll talk.

Let's talk.

Okay. What do you want to talk about?

Puppies or bread?

How do we get to this?

I don't know.

I... I don't know, Drew.

I thought we were the perfect couple.

Yeah, me too.

Maybe we were just expecting too much from each other. We were so good as

friends. I thought we would be even better as a couple.

We are.

We are a good couple.

We're just... You know, we're not perfect.

You know...

My cousin and her husband had the perfect marriage, and it turned out that

was vandalizing cemeteries.

There's a guy at work at Fowler.

He was always bragging about how much she and his wife loved each other, and

then his baby was born half Chinese.

You could be beating me.

Be beating me? It's not just for men anymore.

You could have a gambling problem.

Or drinking.

You could have a gambling problem.

You know what's really funny about all this? Is that you saw a nearsighted,

overweight guy getting on a bus and thought, hey, there goes the perfect

You're close enough for me, Drew.

You want to do it on the coat?

Uh, yeah. Let me move mine.

I can't do it when Lewis is looking at us. Do you mind getting the lights?

Do you want to go to your house?

Yeah.