All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s09e21 Sleeping with the Enemy

Yeah!

Man, I knew I'd be good with a hot girl.

You know, I wasn't too sure because you
were having a little problem getting my

bra. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm glad I
keep scissors in the knife stand.

I'm glad it worked out because you were
very impressive.

Well, brace yourself for another go.

In about an hour.

You want to watch some TV?

What, you're not going to make me cuddle
and talk about feelings?

Better take yourself 30 minutes.

Oh, I hate this guy.

No, this guy's great.

No, he's not, Drew.

He's a lying right -wing bully.

Well, I think he's a great American who
likes to stick it to liberal, tax -happy

spendocrats. Oh, get this. Look at the
liberal he put on his program for...

He's a shaky little man with a wandering
eye.

I agree with him, and I can't even look
at him. Well, maybe God made him ugly

because he won't let children pray in
schools.

Oh, I do not believe him. If it was up
to him, everybody would own a gun.

Well, only half the people own guns now,
and that's not working out too well, is

it?

That doesn't make any sense.

You should have blood back in that brain
by now.

Well, what's your excuse?

Your blood doesn't go anywhere.

Does it?

How into guns are you?

Well, I keep one in the nightstand next
to my scissors.

What is that, for a really tough bra?

No.

That's in case some crackhead the ACLU
let off in a technicality charge to come

in here and kill you.

Well, that gun is three times more
likely to be used on you, Drew.

Especially if you don't shut up.

Really? Are you going to shoot me?

You know, to win the argument, you have
to kind of stay on your side of it.

I really do not believe you.

Well, believe it.

Wow.

You know, we're going to be having sex
in about 27 more minutes, so you better

start calming down.

Moon over Parma, bring my love to me
tonight.

Guide her to East Lake, underneath your
silvery lights.

Get her past the radar mouthies.

Bring her back to Lake County.

Moon over Parma tonight.

Shine on I -271 We can get together In
the warm light of

the sun We're going bowling So don't
lose your insolence

Moon Nova Parma tonight Hey, Drew.

Hey.

So, last night, you and Kelly.

How'd it go?

Oh, she's mad at me. We're not talking.

All right, you had sex.

No, that part went fine. Then we got in
a fight about gun control.

Oh, you're lucky.

Last girl I was with just wanted to talk
about all the unhappy things in her

childhood that made her get drunk enough
to sleep with me.

You know, typically those go on the hind
legs.

Bite me.

They're trailer shoes.

It's one of my many important duties as
her new assistant.

Geez, Mimi, don't you even get to take
lunch?

Oh, I'm eating lunch right now. I'm
having a hearty crap sandwich.

Well, Trailer treats you so bad, why
don't you just quit?

Well, you're right. I am worth upwards
of $1 .200.

Hey, Mimi.

What about if you got to know Trailer
better at a party?

That'd be good. Who's throwing a party?

I am.

Louis is out of town for the weekend, so
I finally get to throw a party.

You know how he feels about joy.

Hey, how are my shoes coming?

Oh, they'll be finished by the end of my
lunch hour.

Great. Then you can throw them in the
Goodwill bin in the parking lot.

Oh, by the way, Oswald and I are
throwing a party Saturday night. It'd be

if you could come.

Oh, I've never been to one of those
pillbilly forays.

Will I get to see one of your relatives
challenge the devil to a fiddle contest?

We'll be there.

What? Part of being a boss is pretending
like you care about the employees.

Ooh, I'll be right back. I forgot to
lock the office and everybody hates me.

So, Oswald, how are things going in the
warehouse?

Actually, we could really use better
lighting down there. Yesterday, a

almost killed... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do I look like I have a slot in my head?

Not a suggestion box.

Drew had sex with Kelly last night.

All right, that's more like it.

Yeah, and it was going really well, and
then they had an argument about gun

control.

Want to jump in here? I can't carry the
conversation on my own.

You finally get a great, hot girlfriend,
and you're willing to throw it away

because you argued about gun control?

What am I supposed to do, pretend I have
no opinions for the rest of my life?

Uh, yeah.

One time in college, I threw pig's blood
on an old lady's fur coat so a hippie

girl would show me her boo.

I once pretended to tie my shoes so I
could look up a mannequin's dress.

Look, the point is, just tell her what
she wants to hear so she'll never stop

having sex with you. That's a great
relationship.

You know, I'm not sure that that's the
kind of relationship that I want to

Oh, so you want a platonic relationship.

Hey, don't worry. In ten years, I'll
have robots that'll give you sex.

Ten years, sure, for the rich.

When can the working man afford a sex
robot?

I'm sure they'll have places where you
can rent one.

Look, I want a relationship where I can
have sex and someone to talk to. I know

it sounds crazy.

Well, so if you don't give up your crazy
political opinions, then you'll be

throwing away great sex and a great
relationship.

And that makes sense, since the gun
lobby would fall apart without you.

Okay, maybe you're right.

How's this? I'll tell her I respect her
intelligence.

She made some good points, and I've
reexamined my position.

There. That doesn't make me sound too
whipped, does it?

Drew, compromising yourself for sex
doesn't make you whipped.

Hey, be thick, bud. If they're made in
Japan, will they look Japanese? Because

I'm cool with that.

Then I figured besides flowers and
candles, we'd have a martini bar with an

sculpture of a swan.

I like everything you've done.

Except, I want to change the flowers for
balloons, the swan for a pony keg, and

the string quartet for a moon bounce.

I'm trying to impress the trailer here,
and she's hip. Hip is not a moon bounce.

Hip is an ice swan where you pour booze
in the beak and it comes out the pooper

chilled.

I put on airs.

I just want to have a good time.

And I'm trying to hang on to my job
here.

Well, it's my house.

All right.

out all this. Thumb or arm? Arm.

Okay.

All right.

On three.

One.

Nice try, short butt.

Hey, Oswald, don't forget to pull the
head off or I won't die.

I can feel your weakening already.

Oh, I'm just conserving my strength with
a big butcher. It counts. Oh, bring it

on. You're going down.

and part of your list. Deal.

You can let go now. Go first.

No, both at the same time. Okay. On
three.

One.

Wow.

A draw.

Yeah, well, Oswald's been working out.

Drew, I just wanted to tell you again
that I really appreciated our talk last

night. Yeah, I think you already showed
your appreciation.

It takes a really big man to be so open
-minded.

I am glad the gun control thing makes
sense to you now. Well, I did a lot of

reading, and it turns out a lot of
shooting deaths are gun -related.

Oh, my God, you look great in the
morning.

You know what? Let me get you some more
coffee. Yeah.

Hey, better check your messages there.

Sure.

Hi, this is Dr. Golding's office
confirming your dental cleaning Tuesday

at 8.

Mr. Carey, for your generous donation to
the National Rifle Association.

Okay.

Did you make that donation before or
after you said you agreed with me?

Okay.

What do I have to do to get out of this?

Could you blink or talk or something?
Because you're freaking me out. Did you

just say that you agreed with me about
gun control so you could sleep with me?

No, no. I did it for the relationship.

I said I agree with you, and we got
along.

Yeah, we got along, and we had sex.

Well, you could focus on the sex if you
want to.

The focus of the evening for me was the
intimacy.

Drew, it's only intimacy when people are
being honest.

Why are you getting so worked up about
this? Because I was married to a man for

15 years who mocked every opinion that I
had. After a while, I just stopped

expressing myself.

And I'm not going to go back to that.

You're focusing on the one thing we
don't agree on.

How about all the things we do agree on?

Okay.

Okay, maybe you're right.

Um... Clean air, Drew. Come on, you
cannot be against... Clean air.

I love clean air. Yeah.

That is something the government should
be passing a lot of expensive

regulations to make it overly clean.

How can air be overly clean?

All right. How about, you know,
affirmative action, quotas, all that

think the best person should get the
job, right? Well, that's easy for you to

say, being a white man who gets all the
breaks.

Shh. My servants might hear you.

I don't believe this.

I never expected that we'd see eye to
eye on everything, but we don't agree on

anything.

That's not true.

There's plenty of things we agree on.
We'll just avoid the other stuff.

Drew, that sounds like we're running
away from our problems.

Well, yeah, but we'll be running
together.

And how romantic is that?

Well, I thought you deserved something a
little more special.

Thank you, Drew.

Oh, this all looks so lovely. And to
keep it lovely, I jotted down a few

you might want to avoid talking about.

Oh, good.

Good. Yeah.

Do you mind if I just add a couple
things? Yeah, I hope so.

That's a good one. Yeah.

That's a landmine. Oh, that's another
one. I had landmines.

What's wrong with landmines?

Oh!

So, what are we having for dinner?

Duck l 'orange with meatloaf instead of
duck and spaghetti sauce instead of l

'orange.

Here's to not letting little things get
in the way.

Oh,

that's really good wine. Where did you
get it? A little market on Lakeside.

Oh, I love that place. There's this
really sweet homeless man that's there,

I always give him a buck.

Well, I hope he's up for a newspaper to
get himself a job.

A lot of those people are mentally ill.

Mentally ill like a fuck.

This place...

I'm NPR on the way here. No, what?

Nothing.

Outside the bar today, this guy was
giving away puppies.

I love puppies. Oh, yeah, me too.

Yeah. They're so cute.

Never seen an ugly one? Never.

Is this good bread?

12 grains. Oh.

What do you think all the grains are?

I don't know, you know, like wheat.

Oat.

I bet it says on the package.

Oh, you don't have to.

Doesn't hurt to look.

Taylor, may I offer you a martini?

Sure, why not?

The martini sucked, just a sophisticated
drink.

Made fine liquor, a dash of remove, of
course, piece de resistance.

Enough.

Wouldn't life be magical if swans really
did crap martinis?

You know, I think I'll just have a soda.

Pat, do you want this?

Sure. I'd drink a martini if it came out
of a real swan's ass.

Try a crab cake. I love crab.

Do you need a good movie?

Nice weather. Mimi, relax.

I'm having a good time.

I have to admit this is not what I
expected.

So good luck, everybody, because it's
time to decorate cupcakes. And after

we're going to hit the moon bounce.

There it is.

So, cupcakes.

I wonder how many grains are in one of
those.

I don't know.

Not 12.

Tell you that.

No, that would be...

That'd be bad, 12 -grain cupcake.

That'd be really bad.

Yeah.

Bad.

Hey, trailer, come on over here.

Hey, here comes trailer.

Yeah, that's her, all right. Hey.

Did you want something?

Just want to know what's up with you.

Well, I bought a new SUV.

It's the biggest one they make. And the
best part is I get a tax break because

it's so heavy it qualifies as farm
equipment.

Doesn't that get, like, four miles to
the gallon?

Guess you're not too concerned about the
environment.

Oh, not anymore.

I can hit a deer going 70 and not even
feel it.

You know, I hear if you rip out the
catalytic converter, it can really

the horsepower.

Well, maybe she should convert it so it
runs on the blood of spotted owls.

Yeah, well, it wouldn't want to hurt the
owls. Then we'd only have a jillion

kind of bird instead of a jillion and
one.

Remember to add cars and birds to our
list.

I don't have the list anymore. It's too
big to carry around.

at home, you can just add my naked body
to the list because you have a better

chance at seeing a spotted owl.

Uh, Mimi, some of your guests are a
-fightin' and a -feudin'. Uh, no, that's

political give and take, like Salon.

Okay, it's time to meet some of the
other fascinating people at our party.

Uh, there's Sheila.

Sheila has high blood pressure.

It really bugs you, doesn't it, that I
don't believe in the same stupid crap

that you do.

You call what I think crap?

You should go build a house with Jimmy
Carter.

Oh, ouch.

Are you comparing me to a Nobel Prize
winning humanitarian?

That prize was bought with peanut money.

Sheila, tell Taylor how you got dizzy at
the bank and fell down.

Yeah, they're fair and balanced, just
like the slogan says.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I was schmoozing the boss.

I was working it.

Sheila was about to show her the
stitches in her head from when she

the teller's window.

line up here. Pumpkins line up here.

Drew, please. I don't want to fight
anymore.

Then let's not fight.

I agree.

I'll do my part by going home.

Okay. All right.

Fine. We'll talk.

Let's talk.

Okay. What do you want to talk about?

Puppies or bread?

How do we get to this?

I don't know.

I... I don't know, Drew.

I thought we were the perfect couple.

Yeah, me too.

Maybe we were just expecting too much
from each other. We were so good as

friends. I thought we would be even
better as a couple.

We are.

We are a good couple.

We're just... You know, we're not
perfect.

You know...

My cousin and her husband had the
perfect marriage, and it turned out that

was vandalizing cemeteries.

There's a guy at work at Fowler.

He was always bragging about how much
she and his wife loved each other, and

then his baby was born half Chinese.

You could be beating me.

Be beating me? It's not just for men
anymore.

You could have a gambling problem.

Or drinking.

You could have a gambling problem.

You know what's really funny about all
this? Is that you saw a nearsighted,

overweight guy getting on a bus and
thought, hey, there goes the perfect

You're close enough for me, Drew.

You want to do it on the coat?

Uh, yeah. Let me move mine.

I can't do it when Lewis is looking at
us. Do you mind getting the lights?

Do you want to go to your house?

Yeah.