Original subtitles

Would you stop it?

Jeez, you've been clinking for an hour. Would you just stop it?

I only sat down a few minutes ago.

Why don't you go read someplace else? I always read the paper at the kitchen

table. I don't do this at the kitchen table.

You know what else? I'm thick cleaning up after you.

What are you, raised in a barn?

It was rhetorical.

Forgive me if I have other things on my mind. My son's a pyro, and I'm trying to

get the insurance company to pay for the house that he burned down.

The therapist said we're not supposed to call him a pyro.

All right? He's a normal boy who expresses himself through fire.

You know, if you shut your beer hole for a minute, I could fill up this claim

form, get my check, and move the hell out of here. It can't happen fast enough

for me.

Preaching to the choir.

Hey.

What happened to all the milk?

I used it to soak my feet.

It's called a milk bath. A lot of women do it.

Why don't you soak your head?

I'll soak my head while you bite me.

You know I went to the grocery store this morning. Why don't you put this on

list? I didn't want to walk over to the list and track milk all over the floor.

How long till that check gets here, anyway?

About two weeks.

What are you drinking? There's no milk.

Hey, you know what?

Let me borrow your car. It might be faster if I just drive it down there.

Take your time.

By the way, I was supposed to take Gus to the park today. Just tell him I'll

take him tomorrow.

Oh, he won't even know you're gone. He's watching a video.

Mind your manners and remember what the therapist said. I know, make friends,

not fire.

See, Gus?

They got us a pool party.

Hey. It's here. The check.

Goodbye, toilet.

Yes! Yeah, good riddance.

Now you can take your knuckle -cracking, spoon -clinking... Uh -oh.

Uh -oh.

No uh -oh.

Yippee, yippee for something people make when money comes.

There's a problem with the claim.

They're sending a representative to look into the matter personally.

You stupid, stupid woman!

You couldn't even handle a simple fraudulent insurance claim?

Damn it. Maybe they didn't buy the part about the electrical fire.

Maybe the fire department decided it wasn't an accident after all.

We'll fix it.

We'll have to burn this place down to hide the parts of you that won't fit the

freezer.

Bring it on, rookie.

Right now we have to get your story straight to the insurance company.

Well, we need something specific, but not too complicated.

How about this?

We were sitting in the living room watching Pillow Talk with Doris Day and

Hudson. How about, uh, I don't know, how about The Hours?

We're in the living room watching The Hours, and you turn to me and you say,

what's that smell?

That's not a stretch.

And I say, look, there's...

Smoke in the kitchen. And then you get all hysterical and you start screaming

and you run out of the house like a frightened schoolgirl.

No, it's got to be believable.

Okay, we're watching the hours.

You're in your fourth beer, scratching your back with a fork.

Suddenly I smell smoke. I run in the kitchen to fight the fire because heroes

don't think they do.

How about this?

We're watching the hours.

I smelled the smoke. You ran into the kitchen.

And Gus?

Gus was upstairs the whole time.

Oh, good. Put the arsonist at the scene of the crime.

Better yet, have him upstairs dancing around a bonfire.

All right.

But whoever we say was watching the kid has got to be somebody believable.

Somebody sweet and kind.

A lot of credibility.

Lewis, we need to ask you something.

Shoot. Where's Kelly?

Washing mustard out of Oswald's eye, tip on the squeeze bottle jammed, and he

just had to have a look.

It stings a lot more than ketchup, but not as much as Tabasco.

So you're going to help us and say you were watching Gus?

All right, I'll try, but I'm not a very good liar.

It's okay. Just tell us where you and Gus were on the day of the fire and have

some fun with it.

I'll try.

Gus and I, we went to the zoo.

No, mall.

No, zoo.

No, mall. No, mall, mall. We went to the mall.

See you in prison.

No, no, no, no. Come on, just give me a chance. I just needed to warm up. Just

give me a chance, okay?

We went to the mall to buy Gus some underwear.

No, shoes.

Let's go see a movie.

Clown!

I hope you're a better liar than this by the time we start having sex.

No, no, no. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I can't do it. Lying is wrong no

matter how much I justify it.

Look, all I care about is that a single mother and her child get their home

back.

You just want Mimi out of your house for lying right now.

Yeah, see how easy it is?

Give it a try.

You know, I have to... say I'm insulted.

You know I'm the greatest liar that ever was, huh?

The only one that even comes close is Neil Armstrong.

The moon povies.

Okay, we know you're a fabulous liar, but who would ever believe that you were

with a child?

You know what? Just last week I babysat for a guy at work, okay? And little

Ethan had so much fun with Uncle Lewis that he asked if I could babysit next

time.

That's a lie, isn't it?

Yes. And no.

I did babysit him, but then he cried so much that I dropped him off at the

restaurant where I'm pretty sure his parents were having dinner.

You see, what I did there was set up a lie with a truth.

That's very advanced. I don't suggest any of you try it.

Wait a minute.

I've always had my doubts that a raccoon broke into our house, licked the icing

off my birthday cake, and broke my two -fung -to -drop beer mug.

No, that happened.

Okay, sir.

Somebody turn off that TV.

And take the price tag off.

Hello. I am Mr. Morton from the insurance company. Mr. Carey, come on

you. And you must be Mrs. Bobet Carey? Yes, sir.

There was a problem with your application. There was a red flag.

Let me see if I can find it here.

Look, it's very simple. My brother -in -law and I were on the couch watching a

movie. The Hours.

A critically acclaimed movie.

I was enjoying a bowl of lime sherbert.

Yes, he loves his lime sherbert. It's unusual, but that's what makes him him.

So anyway, I smelled milk. All the while, I was babysitting the kid.

I took him to the bad part of town to show him how people turn into animals

they get hooked on the drugs.

Helen, you see a man getting stabbed like that makes more of an impression

some has -been rock and roller at some school assembly.

Okay, uh, okay.

Lime sherbet, then I smelled smoke.

And then I immediately ran into the kitchen where I saw an electrical fire

behind the wall.

Well, not behind the wall, because that would make him Superman, wouldn't it?

Yeah, what I meant was I saw smoke.

by the electrical outlet, when then I assumed it was an electrical fire behind

the wall by the microwave.

And because I didn't have a microwave, he meant the toaster.

Well, in my family, anything that heats things up is called a microwave.

Around this time, Gus and I shared a candy bar.

Oh, look, I still have the wrapper.

I'm not saying I'm glad the fire...

started, but the hours was a little longer than I expected it to be, and I

getting just a little bit depressed.

Actually, I just came by because you forgot to sign the form.

Oh,

silly me.

Well, I guess I'll just sign that, and you'll cut me the check and be on your

way. Oh, you've got to be kidding.

I just came by for a signature, but now that I've heard your ridiculous stories,

maybe you can tell me another one. Like why this is an insurance fraud.

Well, we haven't done anything wrong.

What's wrong is the insurance company trying to distract me from defending

myself by sending a male model.

Yeah, I get my good looks from my stocky Ukrainian father.

Oh, really? Was your father a model, too?

I'm going to have to talk to each of you separately.

Well, our schedules are really crazy.

How about next Thursday?

Hey, we're all here. Wouldn't it be easier just to do it now?

The movie was just starting. The movie had just ended.

The smoke was really thick. It was like a rolling black cloud.

Sort of white and wispy.

Oh, I could feel heat.

But I couldn't see actual flames.

The flames were everywhere.

Thank God my son was miles away with his babysitter, Louis Koniski.

Yes, Louis Koniski was watching him.

We don't worry about Gus when he's with Louis Koniski.

After we watched the guy get stabbed, we went to the mall to play hide -and

-seek. Oh, boy, is he good.

After a couple hours, I gave up, went outside and had a beer. When the mall

closed, the guard brought him out.

Look, I buy that a raccoon could turn a door down.

I also buy that he would lick the froth thing off a cake. But why would a

raccoon drink the last of my whiskey and smash a picture of Lewis's mother?

Oogie, you got me.

Drew made me lie.

She came home drunk. The fire started when he was cooking up dope in the

kitchen. Knocked over a lava lamp.

That's covered, right?

The kid's a firebug. Put him away.

Hey, you could go back in time and kill Hitler.

Wouldn't you?

I think that went well.

Hey, so did the insurance guy fall for it?

A little louder. You can ask him yourself. He's in the living room.

Well, there's one thing that's clear from the interviews.

You're all horrible, horrible people who sold each other out at the first hint

of trouble.

I protected you.

You compared your son to Hitler.

Well, it's clear you're all protecting the boy.

The only question in my mind is whether it's an accident or arson.

It was an accident.

Of course, because arson isn't covered, is it?

I'll have to talk with your son. Where is he?

He's at a friend's house.

Oh. You'll have to bring him down to our offices tomorrow morning.

Well, it's fine. We'll be there.

And, uh, buddy?

There was no raccoon. Your friend broke the mug.

So. Drew, this is how I find out.

What? Not me. Him. It couldn't have been him. He was at a Maya Angelou book

signing.

Well, our only hope now is to get Cusp to lie about the fire.

Well, I won't teach my son to lie.

Well, what the hell are we going to do?

No, listen to me.

I will not teach my son to lie.

Okay, I get it. I'll teach him how to lie.

What is that?

You're going to teach your nephew to lie?

Gus has problems.

Come on, he starts fires.

He's in therapy.

They fix everything for one price.

When I knocked over a candle and it started a fire, I didn't mean to do it.

Am I in trouble?

I know nothing about nor condone this behavior.

That was great, honey.

Yeah, that was really good, Gus. I gave him that last part. It really puts it

over the top.

Mr. Morton will be right with you.

Anybody want anything to drink?

Sure, I could go for something.

Great, there's a vending machine down the hall. And get me a root beer. Would

you see biscuits?

Doris, what did we say about smoking in the office? That it aggravates your

emphysema.

I'm serious. Put it out.

You must be Gus. Uh -huh.

Would it be okay if we go talk for a little bit? Sure.

Now answer whatever questions that Greek God asks you, honey.

Hey, so here's a hypothetical question.

If you're convicted of insurance fraud, the correctional facility they send you

to, is it a rapey one or a tennis one?

They're all rapey.

You got nothing to worry about, huh? Look at that kid.

Good eye contact, no fidgeting.

You should be proud, Mimi. You got a pathological liar there.

No, I don't think there's anything happening here we should be proud of.

You know, I never wanted to have kids, but after I see this, I think, damn it,

do.

Well, you've got a good little man right there.

He told me all about the fire, and I'm convinced it was an accident. Let me go

cut you a check.

Good job, Gus, huh?

With your lying skills, you could be anything.

A grifter, a dirty cop, politician, huh? The world's your oyster.

Thank you, Uncle Lewis.

Doesn't he remind you of me at that age?

Yeah. Yeah, he does.

Yes, he does.

From now on, I don't want you to ever tell a lie again, okay?

Never. Never, ever, ever. Because lying is wrong, understand?

Yeah. And you know Uncle Lewis is a janitor, right?

Here's your check.

Say, Gus, when you knocked over that candle, did you melt all of your

There was no candle.

I was lying.

What? I made the fire on purpose.

I like watching things burn.

Why'd you lie?

Uncle Drew told me to.

Oh, Drew!

I'm not allowed to lie anymore, right?

Right.

Next talk we have will be about timing.

Well, this is now officially fraud.

And we have to contact the police.

Doris, would you call and tell me... Just because I'm back doesn't mean my

is over.

Then why did you come back?

Because I love you. I've always loved you.

My God, I hate that woman.

I'll talk to you for a minute.

I want you to imagine for a second that she moves in with you.

No, I don't want to.

What happened to me?

She's my Doris.

My brother left her, the kid burned down the house, and now she's living with

me.

But you taught a kid to lie, to back up a fake insurance claim.

Okay, try this on.

Doris just doesn't live with you. She soaks her feet in your milk.

Okay, I see where you're heading.

You kill mine, I'll kill yours.

That's not really the kind of deal I'm looking for.

Look, I can't give you the money, but I won't report you either.

Hey, dumbass, I'm off my break now.

Thanks. I don't know how I'm ever going to pay you back.

I do, but you're going to have to make it look like an accident.

That was delicious, Mimi.

Let me help you with the dishes.

Oh, no, I got it. You worked hard all day.

Oh, it's no big deal.

You know what? I really admire the way you guys are getting along.

Well, it looks like I'm going to be living here for a while, so we talked

it, and we figured we might as well find a way to make it work.

Yeah, we're going to make the best of it. What else can you do?

Hey, Mimi made pie. Anybody want some?

Yeah, I'll grab a piece.

I'll get the ice cream.

See? We're working together.

There you go. Thank you.

We got to get out of here. This place is a pot of cake. I know I'm terrified,

but I really want pie.

What are you guys talking about? They're getting along great.

Here you go. Oh, thank you, Duke. Could you grab me some milk to go with this?

You bet.

Thank you.

Huh.

I just bought this.

Amy?

Uh, yes, Drew?

I'll get you faster. Faster.

Here we go.

I thought we agreed that you would only soak your feet in canned milk from now

on. Well, I needed more because my feet are swollen from making dinner for you

and your little friend.

It's happening. Go, go, go. No, I haven't finished my pie.

For God's sake, it's just pie. Save yourself. Go, go, go, go.

That's exaggerating.

If you recall, I made the main course while you spent an hour shuffling your

damn cart.

Solitaire keeps my hands busy so I don't stab you in your sleep.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Leave the girl, leave the girl.

The reunion next on ABC.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Liz. Hey, I rented this from the library.

They have a lot of questions about raccoons. I thought this might answer

Let's play together.

Oh, that's nice of you. Yeah.

The raccoon.

Mother Nature's misunderstood raccoon.

Constantly foraging for food. the diet of this nocturnal mammal consists

of nuts, berries, frosting, and scotch.

And they seem to have a peculiar disdain for photographs of my mother.

And don't forget to lock up your novelty mugs, because the bandit of the forest

loves puns.

That was a waste of time.

I knew all that.