All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s09e19 Burning Down the House

You know, I've done that.

Yeah? Yeah.

Did you ever use a piece of wallpaper
you peeled off from behind the

refrigerator? No.

Rookie.

So where'd you get your nephew?

I found my old wood -burning kit in the
attic.

Wood -burning kit?

Yeah, it's a little, like, wand thing
like this with a really hot metal tip.

Heats up really hot and uses it to burn
designs into wood.

Yeah, I don't know, Drew. That doesn't
sound dangerous enough for a five -year

-old. Why don't you just get him a
shotgun?

Because the government wouldn't let me.

He's going to love it. It's perfectly
safe.

And hey, look.

It's the cowboy I made. Oh, so cute.

How old were you when you made this?

I was three hours younger than I am
right now.

I had to make sure it worked.

Hey, you know what?

It's yours. You can have it.

For me?

Thank you.

The first gift you ever gave me, you
know, as my boyfriend.

So, come on. What are we going to do on
our big date tomorrow?

I figured, you know, get a beer, get
some pizza or something.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Come on.

No, it's just, that's fun, Drew. It's
really fun. But, come on, we kind of do

that a lot.

Our relationship has changed now, you
know? I want to go out on a date. You

me. Do something special.

Look, all that formal dating stuff,
that's where people don't know each

And we do. I thought we could skip all
that.

Expensive stuff.

Listen, it doesn't have to be expensive,
but we can't keep going out like we're

just still friends.

Well, if we were just friends, I
wouldn't have given you the cowboy.

Oh, thank you. You got it. Why don't we
just go out and have a couple beers,

like we always do?

And then, because I'm your girlfriend
now, why don't we just come back here

I'll dance at the coffee table in my
panties while you watch ESPN between my

legs?

Okay, look, if you want to go out on a
date date, fine.

We'll go out like I never met you.

Come on.

I don't want to push you into anything
that you don't want to do. Yeah, you do.

And someday I'm going to push you into
something you don't want to do.

As long as we're honest about it.

Okay.

I don't want to make a big deal about
this, okay? Not a big deal. You deserve

nice night out.

And, you know, later on when you say I'm
not the man you fell in love with,

we'll both know what you're talking
about.

If you call me.

The kids are almost finished with the
pinata.

Crush out your butt and put your
funasaurus head back on.

My ass, I need a smoke.

The kid's pulling on me and that giant
slow kid keeps trying to hug me.

And no more talking. It blows the
illusion when the funasaurus keeps

how he can't get a job since he got out
of the joint.

Oh, hey, funasaurus, where'd you go? I
went and hid and you never came to find

me.

so I'm not sitting here hoping you're
dead in a ditch somewhere.

Hey, uh, is it embarrassing that two of
you order the same thing to the party?

Hey, uh, where's Steve? I've been
calling him. He hasn't called me back.

He's in the suit.

Don't call him Steve. It'll blow it for
the kids.

Hey, you don't return phone calls
anymore?

Trying to start something with that
student? I ain't a kid doing anything in

front of the kids.

What's the matter? The dinosaur's going
to cry? The dinosaur's going to cry? No.

We'll open presents later. Everybody in
the kitchen. Time for... Time

for cake in the kitchen.

Oh.

Oh. Look at you all fearless hitting a
green dinosaur.

Oh, yeah.

You know, it's only natural for you to
get aroused when you see your man take

a giant prehistoric killing machine with
a bow tie.

I mean, listen, um...

I've been thinking about our date. You
got any ideas?

Well, Drew, it's like what I said
before. I don't want to make a big deal

it, okay? I just want to go on a date.

Fine. Where do you want to go?

I don't know.

Well, I don't know either. I just want
to have beers.

Drew! Okay, fine. You know what? We'll
compromise.

We'll go get some beers first, and then
we'll take a nice romantic stroll to see

a psychic, and she can tell us where to
go, because I can't read your mind. Oh.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Well, you know, relationship stuff.

What specifically?

Hey, you know, Oswald, while Lewis is
visiting his sister, you should take

time to find something for you to do.
You know, something that doesn't involve

us all.

You mean like fencing?

If that's what you're interested in. But
I'm not.

Okay, why don't you just think about it
for a little bit? Because there has to

be something that interests you, okay?

I don't know, a challenging hobby? A
part -time job?

Yeah. You should find something to do
with your life that takes up all of your

free time.

You mean like owning a hockey team?

You know, I have an idea. Why don't you
go and sit with your cake outside and

think about it?

Great. If Anasura sends me in here, you
send me out there. I don't know where to

go.

Isn't he cute?

Don't you wish I could stay 43 forever?

Hey! Oh, Joe!

Joe! Steve, what are you doing?

Stop it!

Who the hell are you?

I was a bitch in prison. I'm not going
to be any of those bitches.

Get off of him.

He started it. You were supposed to be a
non -violent drug offender.

Take your 50 bucks and your head and
just beat it.

Who is that guy? What happened to Steve?

He wanted me to keep it a secret. He's
in Pittsburgh at a training program for

new job.

What? Yeah, a lot of people don't make
it to the end, and he didn't want to be

embarrassed if he flunked out.

Well, what's the job?

He's going to be a sales rep.

Oh, really? For what?

For a company that makes straps and
cords to restrain violent criminals.

Well, that's a good, solid business,
right, Drew?

Yeah, I guess. You know, if the economy
goes up or down, there's always going to

be people who need to be tied down and
restrained.

You didn't let me tell Steve that you
know about his job. Why do you think

still not calling you back?

I don't know, but I called information
in Pittsburgh.

There's only three companies that make
restraints, and all of them are for

sex.

Yeah, I ordered a catalog. I'll show
you.

Drew, why don't we wait till we have
sex, see how that goes, and then we'll

break out the free toys that's needed.

Yeah, are you serious? No.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Aswell. You know what? Drew just
told me about your change machine that

put in the laundromat down the block.
Good for you. How'd you think of that?

Well, I was in the laundromat watching
my clothes go around in the dryer when I

saw this long line of people waiting for
the change machine, and I thought,

what's in the change machine that people
want so badly?

Change.

I can't lie. You got there quicker than
I did, but I did something about it.

Now, why would they use your change
machine instead of the one they already

have? Because the idiot who owns that
one was charging them. I put mine in for

free.

I hate to do it to the guy, but it's
business.

Wait, explain this to me. They give you
a dollar, right?

You give them four quarters?

I don't understand how you're making any
money.

I don't expect the waitress to
understand economics.

Let me see if I can demonstrate.

This is the one wrapped around 49 other
ones, okay?

You have to tell him.

What? It made perfect sense to me.

Look, he's not losing money, and he
feels good about himself.

He was even condescending to you. It was
so cute.

Hey. Hey.

And now that I'm in the money, I'm
buying everybody around.

Hey, check this out.

Oswald Harvey Enterprise.

Ch -ch -ch -changes.

You know, I gotta say, owning my own
business makes me really feel like an

adult. I get the responsibility and
knowing that all those people are

on me.

Wow, that sounds close.

Driving business to find results?

It's a great day to be us, Waltie.

Oh, my God, that's Stephen Meemee's
house.

What do you think?

Hey, Steve, excuse me.

That's my brother's place. Is everybody
okay?

Yeah, we're fine.

Meemee, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my thank you notes were lost in the
fire, so I just have to tell you in

person. Thanks for giving Gus a wood
-burning kid's jackass.

Since you were gone a couple days, I
straightened out your desk and I signed

up for the bouquet of the month club.

Ooh, these will really brighten up the
charred foundation of my home.

Yeah, look, about that, I'm not trying
to avoid the blame or anything, but the

label on the box of the wood -burning
kit clearly recommends adult

But that's just Monday morning
quarterbacking.

Hey, did you notice the vase the flowers
are in? It's etched glass.

It's beautiful.

I think I'll move my family into it.

So, uh, I guess Steve's pretty mad. I
mean, he hasn't called me since he's

back. He's back, right?

Uh, no.

You know, I told him we were okay and
there was nothing he could do, so he's

just gonna stay in Pittsburgh and finish
his training for the job.

Oh, to sell straps to the violent
criminals, right?

Yeah, there's also a foreign market for
political dissidents.

So where are you and Gus staying?

Oh, well, Steve's going to be making
real money soon, so he put us up at the

Renaissance Hotel downtown.

Hey, that sounds really nice.

Yeah, and there's instructions on the
back of the door about how to get out in

case you give my kid another gift.

Hey, Mimi, how you doing?

Oh, I'm in the friggin' pink.

Well, you know, who does... often say
that we become slaves of our

so I guess at least now you're free.

Maybe we should go over to your house
with a can of gas and set you free.

You know what? I just bought you a
couple of things that I thought you

need. Oh, thanks. It's just some
cosmetics and toys for you and a couple

for Gus.

Oh, a squirt gun.

That would have come in handy a couple
of days ago.

Uh, hi.

Hi. Listen, if you're still wondering
where to take me on our big date, I

thought maybe this would give you a
couple ideas.

Wow. What, do spotty?

Oh, hey.

Here's a couple of bucks. Why don't you
buy yourself the rest of that dress?

Hey, uh, give me a minute, will you?

Hey, Kelly, big news.

I made my grandma take a loan out
against her house, and I'm gonna buy 100

change machines.

What? Why?

Volume, Kelly.

That's a good thing you're pretty.

You see, the more people want quarters,
the more dollars I get.

Hustle, you don't understand. Listen,
you're not making any money.

That's exactly why I need a hundred more
machines.

You're right.

Can I just get your grandmother's
number? I'd love to talk to her.

She's on a fixed income, Kelly. She
can't afford a phone.

Hey, listen to this. I can't believe
this.

Hey, Drew.

I'm sure Mimi's told you by now that
I've left her.

I'm just going to travel for a while and
try to find myself.

I know this is awful. I'm just so sorry.

Hey, will you stop by the house once in
a while and make sure everybody's okay?

Bye, Drew.

I can't believe he did that. Yeah, poor
Mimi.

Yeah, he doesn't even know about the
fire.

How's she getting the money to stay at a
fancy hotel?

She's probably staying in some dive.

Why didn't you just ask her, Drew?

She'd be too proud to tell me.

Now I've got to follow her, make sure
she's okay.

I better go whip you.

You know, if you have to park in a
meter, I'll come in handy.

Play that game for five more minutes,
then we're going to have dinner.

Sandwiches or mac and cheese?

Pizza.

Pizza.

Uncle Drew!

Close the box. I'm not trying to heat
the whole warehouse.

So what's going on?

Well, you may or may not know this, but
we are no longer residing at the

Renaissance. Yeah, yeah, got that.

Actually, this is kind of nice.

Is that the ransom?

Yeah, I didn't really need it in the
smallest space, but I thought, well,

the hell?

What are you doing here, pig?

I was at my desk planning my weekend,
and I thought I'd build a beanbag chair,

so I came down here for some beans.

And, uh, a bag.

So I guess Steve's checks got delayed a
little bit, huh?

Yeah, he's moving from his training to
his sales territory, so there was a

paperwork snafu.

Yeah, that happens a lot. Yeah.

So listen, until Steve's check gets
here, why don't you stay with me for a

while? I mean, you know, a warehouse,
it's really no place for a kid.

I mean, I know he's having fun now, but
what if he wants to go play outside or

something? Kids don't play outside
anymore. Where have you been?

We're doing just fine. I don't need your
help.

You can't stay in a warehouse forever.

They have one President's Day sale and
you're screwed.

I don't know.

Look, like it or not, we're family.

So, pack your stuff.

You and the kid can stay with me.

It might be fun.

Crap.

So you say this relaxes you, huh?

Okay, one more time.

I give you a dollar.

You give me four quarters.

You're not making any money.

I think Mr.

Washington disagrees.

No, you're not listening to me. Every
minute you waste babbling. People are

there buying my quarters.

You're driving me crazy!

You need to relax. Why don't you go
listen to Mimi play the bass?

Go ahead.

Eat your sandwich.

I want my sandwich.

I want his. It's thicker.

Oh, no, it's not, little buddy. They're
exactly the same size. Here, look, I'll

show you. See, they're just cut into
four pieces.

See? Your four quarters equals my one.

Perfect. Yeah.

Well, that's what I was going for.

I'm glad that we decided, Diane. It's
really difficult to be a lady in this

dress.

It's difficult to be a gentleman with
you in that dress.

Wine, my dear? Well, thank you.

Mmm. It's wonderful. You should taste
it.

I would love to.

Cover yourselves. Gus needs a cookie.

We'll be finished in a minute, Kelly.
Then you can get back to making the

biggest mistake of your whole life.

Sorry about that.

When's the last time you cleaned out
this cookie jar? There's a Reggie bar in

here.

Geez, you got a lot of prescriptions
that need refrigeration.

Drew, is something on fire?

I was before Mimi walked out.

Oh, my gosh, what are you doing?

Matches are very dangerous.

Don't ever touch these again.

Sorry, Mommy.

Where did you get these? Tell me the
truth.

These are mine. This is how I start
fires.

Well, thanks for telling the truth,
guys.

Do you realize what the fire inspector
is going to say? What the insurance

company is going to say if they find out
the truth?

I'll never get my money. I'll be stuck
in this house forever.

Beth, this is very important. We're
going to play a game.

Whenever anyone asks you how the fire
started, you say, faulty electrical

wiring. Okay, try that one.

Faulty electrical wiring.

Good job. You win.

Yay! What do I win?

A new house.

Right.

And believe me, if you win, Uncle Drew
wins.

All right.

Tighten this kid to the bed, will you? I
got a date.