Original subtitles

You know, I've done that.

Yeah? Yeah.

Did you ever use a piece of wallpaper you peeled off from behind the

refrigerator? No.

Rookie.

So where'd you get your nephew?

I found my old wood -burning kit in the attic.

Wood -burning kit?

Yeah, it's a little, like, wand thing like this with a really hot metal tip.

Heats up really hot and uses it to burn designs into wood.

Yeah, I don't know, Drew. That doesn't sound dangerous enough for a five -year

-old. Why don't you just get him a shotgun?

Because the government wouldn't let me.

He's going to love it. It's perfectly safe.

And hey, look.

It's the cowboy I made. Oh, so cute.

How old were you when you made this?

I was three hours younger than I am right now.

I had to make sure it worked.

Hey, you know what?

It's yours. You can have it.

For me?

Thank you.

The first gift you ever gave me, you know, as my boyfriend.

So, come on. What are we going to do on our big date tomorrow?

I figured, you know, get a beer, get some pizza or something.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Come on.

No, it's just, that's fun, Drew. It's really fun. But, come on, we kind of do

that a lot.

Our relationship has changed now, you know? I want to go out on a date. You

me. Do something special.

Look, all that formal dating stuff, that's where people don't know each

And we do. I thought we could skip all that.

Expensive stuff.

Listen, it doesn't have to be expensive, but we can't keep going out like we're

just still friends.

Well, if we were just friends, I wouldn't have given you the cowboy.

Oh, thank you. You got it. Why don't we just go out and have a couple beers,

like we always do?

And then, because I'm your girlfriend now, why don't we just come back here

I'll dance at the coffee table in my panties while you watch ESPN between my

legs?

Okay, look, if you want to go out on a date date, fine.

We'll go out like I never met you.

Come on.

I don't want to push you into anything that you don't want to do. Yeah, you do.

And someday I'm going to push you into something you don't want to do.

As long as we're honest about it.

Okay.

I don't want to make a big deal about this, okay? Not a big deal. You deserve

nice night out.

And, you know, later on when you say I'm not the man you fell in love with,

we'll both know what you're talking about.

If you call me.

The kids are almost finished with the pinata.

Crush out your butt and put your funasaurus head back on.

My ass, I need a smoke.

The kid's pulling on me and that giant slow kid keeps trying to hug me.

And no more talking. It blows the illusion when the funasaurus keeps

how he can't get a job since he got out of the joint.

Oh, hey, funasaurus, where'd you go? I went and hid and you never came to find

me.

so I'm not sitting here hoping you're dead in a ditch somewhere.

Hey, uh, is it embarrassing that two of you order the same thing to the party?

Hey, uh, where's Steve? I've been calling him. He hasn't called me back.

He's in the suit.

Don't call him Steve. It'll blow it for the kids.

Hey, you don't return phone calls anymore?

Trying to start something with that student? I ain't a kid doing anything in

front of the kids.

What's the matter? The dinosaur's going to cry? The dinosaur's going to cry? No.

We'll open presents later. Everybody in the kitchen. Time for... Time

for cake in the kitchen.

Oh.

Oh. Look at you all fearless hitting a green dinosaur.

Oh, yeah.

You know, it's only natural for you to get aroused when you see your man take

a giant prehistoric killing machine with a bow tie.

I mean, listen, um...

I've been thinking about our date. You got any ideas?

Well, Drew, it's like what I said before. I don't want to make a big deal

it, okay? I just want to go on a date.

Fine. Where do you want to go?

I don't know.

Well, I don't know either. I just want to have beers.

Drew! Okay, fine. You know what? We'll compromise.

We'll go get some beers first, and then we'll take a nice romantic stroll to see

a psychic, and she can tell us where to go, because I can't read your mind. Oh.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Well, you know, relationship stuff.

What specifically?

Hey, you know, Oswald, while Lewis is visiting his sister, you should take

time to find something for you to do. You know, something that doesn't involve

us all.

You mean like fencing?

If that's what you're interested in. But I'm not.

Okay, why don't you just think about it for a little bit? Because there has to

be something that interests you, okay?

I don't know, a challenging hobby? A part -time job?

Yeah. You should find something to do with your life that takes up all of your

free time.

You mean like owning a hockey team?

You know, I have an idea. Why don't you go and sit with your cake outside and

think about it?

Great. If Anasura sends me in here, you send me out there. I don't know where to

go.

Isn't he cute?

Don't you wish I could stay 43 forever?

Hey! Oh, Joe!

Joe! Steve, what are you doing?

Stop it!

Who the hell are you?

I was a bitch in prison. I'm not going to be any of those bitches.

Get off of him.

He started it. You were supposed to be a non -violent drug offender.

Take your 50 bucks and your head and just beat it.

Who is that guy? What happened to Steve?

He wanted me to keep it a secret. He's in Pittsburgh at a training program for

new job.

What? Yeah, a lot of people don't make it to the end, and he didn't want to be

embarrassed if he flunked out.

Well, what's the job?

He's going to be a sales rep.

Oh, really? For what?

For a company that makes straps and cords to restrain violent criminals.

Well, that's a good, solid business, right, Drew?

Yeah, I guess. You know, if the economy goes up or down, there's always going to

be people who need to be tied down and restrained.

You didn't let me tell Steve that you know about his job. Why do you think

still not calling you back?

I don't know, but I called information in Pittsburgh.

There's only three companies that make restraints, and all of them are for

sex.

Yeah, I ordered a catalog. I'll show you.

Drew, why don't we wait till we have sex, see how that goes, and then we'll

break out the free toys that's needed.

Yeah, are you serious? No.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Aswell. You know what? Drew just told me about your change machine that

put in the laundromat down the block. Good for you. How'd you think of that?

Well, I was in the laundromat watching my clothes go around in the dryer when I

saw this long line of people waiting for the change machine, and I thought,

what's in the change machine that people want so badly?

Change.

I can't lie. You got there quicker than I did, but I did something about it.

Now, why would they use your change machine instead of the one they already

have? Because the idiot who owns that one was charging them. I put mine in for

free.

I hate to do it to the guy, but it's business.

Wait, explain this to me. They give you a dollar, right?

You give them four quarters?

I don't understand how you're making any money.

I don't expect the waitress to understand economics.

Let me see if I can demonstrate.

This is the one wrapped around 49 other ones, okay?

You have to tell him.

What? It made perfect sense to me.

Look, he's not losing money, and he feels good about himself.

He was even condescending to you. It was so cute.

Hey. Hey.

And now that I'm in the money, I'm buying everybody around.

Hey, check this out.

Oswald Harvey Enterprise.

Ch -ch -ch -changes.

You know, I gotta say, owning my own business makes me really feel like an

adult. I get the responsibility and knowing that all those people are

on me.

Wow, that sounds close.

Driving business to find results?

It's a great day to be us, Waltie.

Oh, my God, that's Stephen Meemee's house.

What do you think?

Hey, Steve, excuse me.

That's my brother's place. Is everybody okay?

Yeah, we're fine.

Meemee, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my thank you notes were lost in the fire, so I just have to tell you in

person. Thanks for giving Gus a wood -burning kid's jackass.

Since you were gone a couple days, I straightened out your desk and I signed

up for the bouquet of the month club.

Ooh, these will really brighten up the charred foundation of my home.

Yeah, look, about that, I'm not trying to avoid the blame or anything, but the

label on the box of the wood -burning kit clearly recommends adult

But that's just Monday morning quarterbacking.

Hey, did you notice the vase the flowers are in? It's etched glass.

It's beautiful.

I think I'll move my family into it.

So, uh, I guess Steve's pretty mad. I mean, he hasn't called me since he's

back. He's back, right?

Uh, no.

You know, I told him we were okay and there was nothing he could do, so he's

just gonna stay in Pittsburgh and finish his training for the job.

Oh, to sell straps to the violent criminals, right?

Yeah, there's also a foreign market for political dissidents.

So where are you and Gus staying?

Oh, well, Steve's going to be making real money soon, so he put us up at the

Renaissance Hotel downtown.

Hey, that sounds really nice.

Yeah, and there's instructions on the back of the door about how to get out in

case you give my kid another gift.

Hey, Mimi, how you doing?

Oh, I'm in the friggin' pink.

Well, you know, who does... often say that we become slaves of our

so I guess at least now you're free.

Maybe we should go over to your house with a can of gas and set you free.

You know what? I just bought you a couple of things that I thought you

need. Oh, thanks. It's just some cosmetics and toys for you and a couple

for Gus.

Oh, a squirt gun.

That would have come in handy a couple of days ago.

Uh, hi.

Hi. Listen, if you're still wondering where to take me on our big date, I

thought maybe this would give you a couple ideas.

Wow. What, do spotty?

Oh, hey.

Here's a couple of bucks. Why don't you buy yourself the rest of that dress?

Hey, uh, give me a minute, will you?

Hey, Kelly, big news.

I made my grandma take a loan out against her house, and I'm gonna buy 100

change machines.

What? Why?

Volume, Kelly.

That's a good thing you're pretty.

You see, the more people want quarters, the more dollars I get.

Hustle, you don't understand. Listen, you're not making any money.

That's exactly why I need a hundred more machines.

You're right.

Can I just get your grandmother's number? I'd love to talk to her.

She's on a fixed income, Kelly. She can't afford a phone.

Hey, listen to this. I can't believe this.

Hey, Drew.

I'm sure Mimi's told you by now that I've left her.

I'm just going to travel for a while and try to find myself.

I know this is awful. I'm just so sorry.

Hey, will you stop by the house once in a while and make sure everybody's okay?

Bye, Drew.

I can't believe he did that. Yeah, poor Mimi.

Yeah, he doesn't even know about the fire.

How's she getting the money to stay at a fancy hotel?

She's probably staying in some dive.

Why didn't you just ask her, Drew?

She'd be too proud to tell me.

Now I've got to follow her, make sure she's okay.

I better go whip you.

You know, if you have to park in a meter, I'll come in handy.

Play that game for five more minutes, then we're going to have dinner.

Sandwiches or mac and cheese?

Pizza.

Pizza.

Uncle Drew!

Close the box. I'm not trying to heat the whole warehouse.

So what's going on?

Well, you may or may not know this, but we are no longer residing at the

Renaissance. Yeah, yeah, got that.

Actually, this is kind of nice.

Is that the ransom?

Yeah, I didn't really need it in the smallest space, but I thought, well,

the hell?

What are you doing here, pig?

I was at my desk planning my weekend, and I thought I'd build a beanbag chair,

so I came down here for some beans.

And, uh, a bag.

So I guess Steve's checks got delayed a little bit, huh?

Yeah, he's moving from his training to his sales territory, so there was a

paperwork snafu.

Yeah, that happens a lot. Yeah.

So listen, until Steve's check gets here, why don't you stay with me for a

while? I mean, you know, a warehouse, it's really no place for a kid.

I mean, I know he's having fun now, but what if he wants to go play outside or

something? Kids don't play outside anymore. Where have you been?

We're doing just fine. I don't need your help.

You can't stay in a warehouse forever.

They have one President's Day sale and you're screwed.

I don't know.

Look, like it or not, we're family.

So, pack your stuff.

You and the kid can stay with me.

It might be fun.

Crap.

So you say this relaxes you, huh?

Okay, one more time.

I give you a dollar.

You give me four quarters.

You're not making any money.

I think Mr.

Washington disagrees.

No, you're not listening to me. Every minute you waste babbling. People are

there buying my quarters.

You're driving me crazy!

You need to relax. Why don't you go listen to Mimi play the bass?

Go ahead.

Eat your sandwich.

I want my sandwich.

I want his. It's thicker.

Oh, no, it's not, little buddy. They're exactly the same size. Here, look, I'll

show you. See, they're just cut into four pieces.

See? Your four quarters equals my one.

Perfect. Yeah.

Well, that's what I was going for.

I'm glad that we decided, Diane. It's really difficult to be a lady in this

dress.

It's difficult to be a gentleman with you in that dress.

Wine, my dear? Well, thank you.

Mmm. It's wonderful. You should taste it.

I would love to.

Cover yourselves. Gus needs a cookie.

We'll be finished in a minute, Kelly. Then you can get back to making the

biggest mistake of your whole life.

Sorry about that.

When's the last time you cleaned out this cookie jar? There's a Reggie bar in

here.

Geez, you got a lot of prescriptions that need refrigeration.

Drew, is something on fire?

I was before Mimi walked out.

Oh, my gosh, what are you doing?

Matches are very dangerous.

Don't ever touch these again.

Sorry, Mommy.

Where did you get these? Tell me the truth.

These are mine. This is how I start fires.

Well, thanks for telling the truth, guys.

Do you realize what the fire inspector is going to say? What the insurance

company is going to say if they find out the truth?

I'll never get my money. I'll be stuck in this house forever.

Beth, this is very important. We're going to play a game.

Whenever anyone asks you how the fire started, you say, faulty electrical

wiring. Okay, try that one.

Faulty electrical wiring.

Good job. You win.

Yay! What do I win?

A new house.

Right.

And believe me, if you win, Uncle Drew wins.

All right.

Tighten this kid to the bed, will you? I got a date.

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