Original subtitles

I heard you and Mimi last night.

That was you murdering her. I'd like to buy you some pancakes.

That was me screaming.

Oh, really?

Fool, you left the lights on.

What lady are you talking about?

Listen, about that, you've been here a couple days now. I was wondering when

were going to be leaving.

You keep asking me that. I told you, when I know, you'll know.

Tyler!

That's my boy toy.

Last night was beautiful.

Could you guys do that outside my bathroom? Take it in the backyard, set

fire, and then bury it.

Can you excuse us a second, sweetie pie? Sure, honey.

Look, pig, I am tired of you being rude to my guest. Guest? Is that what you

call it?

Look, I live here, too. If I want to get my ashes hauled while Gus is at his

grandma's, I damn well gonna.

Why don't you spend the night at his place? As a matter of fact, spend the

of your life at his place.

You know he's between apartments right now. Can't very well live in his van.

Well, a little carpeting in a van makes it look just like home.

Oh, great.

There's my morning sausage.

through the hospital mom sound of the city pounding in my brain while another

day goes down the drain but it's a five o 'clock world when the whistle blows

no one wants a piece of my time there's a five o 'clock me inside

my clothes

I don't know if you're a religious man, Tyler, but it says in the Bible you're

not supposed to lie down with beasts.

You know, Mimi, there's a gallery owner who may want to show my paintings.

Hey, that's great.

I was wondering, could you spot me a hundred for supplies?

Sorry, baby, I don't have a hundred bucks.

That's fine.

I'll just do a pencil sketch because this idea is burning a hole in my brain.

No, it's just the egg she laid in your skull while you were sleeping.

Shut up.

I got 50 bucks. Will that help?

That'd be great.

Come here.

Now you better get to work so I can get to work.

Okay, bye -bye. Bye -bye.

with your cartoon watching? No, but your talking does.

No, you've done nothing but lay on the couch all week.

You're a mid -level drone.

I don't expect you to understand my creative process.

I don't need your approval.

In fact, I don't need anything from you.

Are those my socks?

Relax. They were in the hamper.

Yeah, well, you have sex with Mimi. What's putting your foot in a dirty

I'm going to take a nap.

Oh, yeah, you've been up for a few hours now. You must be exhausted.

Why don't you hop on my back and I'll carry up the stairs?

You're being rude again.

You know, a lot of nomadic tribes treat their guests better than their own

children. You're not nomadic. You never move off the couch.

Hey, Drew.

Hey,

thanks for letting me do my laundry over here. Our water and electric belts have

gotten out of control.

to sit around all day watching cartoons, but some of us have to go to work to

pay for the grocery.

Yeah, you eat my groceries.

Yeah, that's why I need you to go to work.

I don't know if I'm going to work today. I don't think I can trust this guy

alone at my house. I don't even know who he is.

Well, if you want to find out more about him, why don't you go through his

backpack? I already know he's a worthless freeloader. What's going

backpack going to tell me? Well, maybe there's an address book with some phone

numbers in it. We could call people, pretend we're thinking about hiring him

a job, find out more about his past.

Really? And what kind of business would we be in?

How about this? A bookmobile.

Only for porn.

You know, because people are embarrassed to go out and buy it themselves.

Yeah, it's much better when a big truck with pornmobile painted on the side

pulls up in the house.

We're not going through his backpack.

Well, it's probably for the best.

Every schoolboy knows that World War I was started when Archduke Ferdinand was

shot for going through the Kaiser's backpack.

You get everything just about half right, don't you?

What's taking so long?

You know, if I get to work late, they give me the toilet brush with the short

handle. Well, I know, but, uh, you know, we were just trying to find out who

this guy Tyler is, and we just felt like going through his backpack was a line

we couldn't cross.

Practically new hairbrush.

Oh, yeah.

Those are natural bristles.

What are you doing going through my backpack?

I have the exact same backpack.

My apologies.

Look. We don't have to go through your backpack to know you're a mooch.

All right? You know, you say you're an artist, but I never see you paint

anything. I use edible body paint on Mimi every night.

Okay, that's it. I want you out.

Yeah, well, Mimi wants me here.

Not if I tell her what kind of person you are. It won't matter. She is crazy

about me.

And one day, Drew Carey, I'm gonna win you over.

I'm gonna go beneath that gruff exterior and find the place where love hides and

shine a light on it.

I was wondering what time you started getting wasted.

Question answered.

So you can't believe the nerve of this guy.

I'm in the shower.

He comes in to use the bathroom.

And it's a plastic shower curtain, so I can see the wiggly shape of a man

sitting on the toilet.

Why didn't you just lock the door?

My mom took the locks off when I was 13.

You know, in case of fire.

You know, my mom put a picture of Mother Teresa up in the bathroom.

Making something naughty is no way to stop it.

There she is. I'm going to go talk to her.

Hey.

Where's lover boy?

I'm meeting him here.

He's got painter's block.

Gave him a couple of roll of quarters to go to the arcade.

Says it helps clear his brain.

Yeah, listen, Mimi.

Tyler can't stay in the house anymore.

Okay? It's just impossible.

He's got to go.

I see. You hate him because he makes me happy.

That's 20 % of it tops.

But he...

I'm looking for free food and a place to sleep. He's taking advantage of both of

us. He makes me feel good about myself.

It's been hard since your brother left me.

Do you know when the last time a man touched me was?

Excuse me.

You're not going to understand this, but when the zookeeper puts you under so he

can clean your teeth.

No. It's been a long time, and I can't believe that you would try and take this

away from me.

It's been a tough year with my house burning down, adjusting to being a

mom.

All right, all right.

Your freeloader can stay just a little while longer.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, Tyler and I were taking a shower and I yanked your soap dish out

of the wall.

I think we have it. What is the last time Mimi was touched by a man?

Hey, what do you know? A couple brain cells climbed the tree during the beer

flood. Hey, where did he go?

Did you kick Tyler out?

No. That would require a spine.

If I grow one now, I'll have to buy all new shirts.

Don't worry.

You know, Gus comes back from his grandma's tomorrow, right? And he is

hate Tyler.

How do you know that? Because it's Mimi's first guy since his dad left.

you know what? Kids have a sixth sense about bad people.

Really? Have you seen the Beckham milk curtains?

Just trust me, okay?

If Tyler's a bad guy, Gus will hate him. Mimi will see that and then throw him

out. I guess that makes sense.

You know, Oswald's mom got divorced 30 years ago. He hasn't liked any of the

guys she's brought home.

But they're not my dad.

I have a dad.

And once he gets out of prison, we'll be a family again.

I am going to get you a free beer, okay?

That was all just for free beer, wasn't it?

Mostly.

You know, if Gus likes this guy, I'm screwed.

It could happen. There was that one kid who liked Louis.

Sweet kid.

It's a shame they had to try him as an adult.

I just wish there was some way that we could make sure that Gus doesn't like

this guy.

I got it.

When Gus gets back, we tell him that Tyler planted drugs on Santa and got him

sent to prison where he was forced to surrender his big, jolly Santa body to a

huge skinhead for protection.

What, too complicated for a kid?

And then Tyler made fun of Mr. Cuddles for only having one eye until Mr.

started to cry.

Maybe Mr. Cuddles wouldn't mean thanks, Tom.

No, no, Mr. Cuddles couldn't talk because Tyler had his foot pressed down

fuzzy little neck.

You know, Gus, Santa spent five years in a federal hellhole because of Tyler.

What? No, no, that's a story for Christmas time.

Okay, now, this is just between us, okay? Yeah, if you tell Tyler, Mr.

is going to wake up finding a stuffed horsey head in his bed.

Where's my Gus?

Yay!

Big guy, did you have a good time at Grandma's? Yeah, but I missed you,

Missed you, too.

Hey, Gus, this is Mommy's friend, Tyler.

I've been really looking forward to meeting you, Gus. And so has Sammy Swan.

You can tell me all about what you did at Grandma's house.

Okay.

Well, Tyler, it looks like I owe you an apology.

I thought you were sitting on your ass all day, and it turns out you were

folding up a Chinese menu.

I'll have to make some long -distance phone calls.

I like to meet new people.

It didn't happen to dial 10 -10 -9.

Ah, forget it.

Hey, look, Tyler made me an eagle.

It's my bank statement.

Here's my account numbers.

Quick, move your $80 to the Cayman Islands.

Hey, so how did it go?

You guys hated Tyler, right?

Oh, you mean Uncle Tyler, his most favoritest uncle in the whole wide

He made him a paper swan. The kid practically married him.

I love this thing.

You're not comprised.

But... In my defense, you never told me that Tyler could make paper swans.

Listen,

this rebound thing of Mimi, how long do these things usually last?

Oh, I don't know, honey. A week, two weeks, six months, a year.

What? Is that a rebound? A ball doesn't bounce off the rim and hang in the air

for a year.

Listen, if you try to keep them apart, you're just going to drive them

It's like Romeo. on Juliet.

If I knew there was a double suicide at the end of it, I'd be a little more

patient. You are smart. You will stay out of it.

I guess you're right.

Gotta find a way to get rid of this guy.

Well, I know a guy who'll beat the hell out of him for 500 bucks.

Or just scare him for 800.

Why does it cost more to scare him?

Gee, I don't know. I forgot to quiz the kneebreaker on his pricing structure.

I'm not gonna pay some guy to hurt him. He's...

Only mooching off me, not like he... Hey!

I'll just give him $500 and pay him to leave.

I know what this is about.

This is about not doing it because it came from me.

Peace, ma 'am.

Hey!

I... Didn't I just give you $500 to leave?

Well, I did leave.

I took the money you gave me, I went to the mall, I bought this hat.

You spent $500 on a hat?

That'd be insane.

I spent $200 on the hat. And I thought, I look great. I should go to the track.

Hey, Drew.

Thanks,

little man.

Frozen glass. Nice touch.

You teaching Gus to mix your drinks?

It's good for him. Shaking him up is making his little arms stronger.

Here, show Uncle Drew your martini muscles.

You know, I was hoping I wouldn't have this talk with you for a couple years.

But stay out of my booze. Okay.

Okay, that's it.

You got to get out of here. I swear to God, I'm going to kick your ass. Go

ahead. Beat me to a pulp.

I'll just have to stay here while Mimi takes care of me until my wounds heal.

Some wounds don't heal. I have a gun, you know.

Yeah, not anymore.

I pawned it to buy this.

You sold my gun?

I figured with all the animosity between us, it was a dangerous thing to have

lying around.

You like that hat, do you?

Yeah. How do you like it now?

I have the receipt.

You could have just returned it.

I'll just... I'll just tell him it came this way.

So, ha!

I don't know about this, but are you meeting this guy in public?

I'm not going to introduce him as the guy I'm hiring to scare off Mimi's

boyfriend.

He's just a friend of ours. Meet us for beer. That's it.

You know, I wasn't going to ask this until later, but I just have to know.

Why is it that you have friends I don't know about?

Here we go.

What, I'm not allowed to have my own life?

No, the tighter you hold on, the more I crave my freedom.

You know what?

My first instinct was right. We'll talk about this later.

Fine. He's a janitor at Drug Co., okay? That's how I know him.

How long have you guys been living together now?

You don't even know, do you?

Oh, hey.

Look, it's my work friend from work, Nick.

Here to have a drink. There's nothing wrong with that.

Hi. Hello.

Sorry I'm late. My daughter Tiffany had a piano recital.

Oh, how'd she do?

Started off nervous, but she pulled it together.

I'm just so proud of her.

Want to see a picture? Oh, yeah, sure.

That's my oldest pulling up the bargain. Oh.

No, no, no.

Questions go this way.

I need to know that my client's enemies really have it coming.

Someone tried to hire me once because a guy come in front of him in line at a

grocery store.

Okay, look.

First of all, the old man whips out a bunch of expired coupons, okay? Then he

drops his cane and spends ten minutes picking that up.

I have no regret.

taking advantage of my sister -in -law, Mimi, one of the sweetest women in the

whole wide world. Excuse me.

An angel.

From heaven.

He's stealing from this poor single mother and teaching her five -year -old

to make martinis.

So, how long have you and Lois worked together?

Not now.

That's awesome.

I know from experience it's hard not being a single parent without the love

life.

Exposing your child to bad influence.

So you'll do it, then?

Sure.

I'm snack -dadding Indian guys tomorrow.

But the day after that, I can bash his face in with a pipe.

No, no, no.

No violence. I just want to scare him. You don't think that would scare him?

No, I don't want any violence. I just want him to move on, okay?

You got it.

So, here's the money and a...

Picture of him and directions of where he goes and stuff.

I mean, do you want me to just hand it to you?

As opposed to what?

I don't know. I thought I'd leave it in a locker at the airport or in a hollow

tree or something.

Just give it to me.

So, Lois, how you been?

We should grab dinner sometime, maybe catch a movie.

Sounds good.

Wow, like I'm not even here.

Hey, did you hear from Nick?

Oh, yeah.

It's all taken care of. He really put a good scare into Tyler. I'll find out

more about it when I go out to dinner with him tomorrow night.

Or if Oswald asked, we went roller skating.

Roller skating? He closed that place down five years ago.

Ice skating?

That place is a mall now.

Horseback riding.

I didn't know you were here.

God, what happened to you?

I got your message.

I'm out of here.

I thought you said he was just going to put a scare into him.

Well, Nick's pretty emotional right now. He's actually getting remarried. He's

not even dating anyone.

Yeah, it seemed like something was bothering him.

Look, I don't want any more trouble. I will be out of here before Mimi gets

back. Look, I'm really sorry about what happened to your face. He was just

supposed to scare you, that's all. Could you do me a favor and just break up

with Mimi face to face, let her down easy?

Yeah, we'll cut off both your arms and make you feed him through a wood

How am I supposed to do that with no arms? That's your problem, punk.

Hey, Tyler, Gus is at a play date. You know what that means.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

Uh, my gambling debt's finally caught up with me.

I got to move on. I don't want to drag you into this.

How much do you owe?

Enough to make them want to cut off my arms and force me to feed them through a

wood chipper.

How can you do that without arms?

Exactly. These people are crazy.

I don't know what to say. I can't let Gus be mixed up in any of this.

I'm really going to miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

And that's why the French don't wash.

Nice try.

I know you were listening.

This must make you really happy.

Look, I'm not happy about all this, but I think you deserve better than what you

got.

Hey, you know what?

I may have a guy for you.

Nick,

what are you doing here?

I was going to brush my teeth, but... I could wait.

Otherwise, it would have been more clear. I mean, what are you doing in my

bathroom at 7 .30 in the morning?

Lewis introduced me to Mimi.

She's a hell of a woman.

Hell of a woman.

You spent the night with Mimi?

The first of many, I hope.

She's one special lady.

And if anybody makes her sad, I'll do to them what I did to that artist.

I love her.

Yeah, it was my idea for her to live here after her house burned down.

I love her.

and throw it in after me, please?

Drew hosts a full hour of Whose Lines tomorrow on ABC.

Hey, Kelly.

Wait a minute. What are you doing here?

Lewis told me you were going shopping together for hand towels.

Um, yeah.

Yeah, we were.

They just didn't have the ones that he wanted, so he just ordered it online.

I'm sorry.

He's naked.

You know, I am going to get you a free beer.

I'm in so much pain, I don't think one is going to cut it.

You hang in there, okay?